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Sapnap held the door open, allowing Karl to enter his own house, Sanap set his luggage inside the door before he entered, making sure the door was shut tight while Karl shrugged his jacket off, offering to take Sapnap’s.
Sapnap smiled and handed his jacket to Karl before looking around the house, breathing in the smell of baked cookies and fall.
I walked through the door with you, the air was cold
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow
Sapnap took his scarf off and put it around Karl’s neck as a joke, but Karl only smiled and allowed the scarf to stay on, eventually tossing it on his bed to let it stay there for a while.
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you've still got it in your drawer, even now
“George said he would be willing to stream with us soon, but we can eat first. Him and Dream are talking about his trip over to your place so he’s in no hurry.” Karl said and Sapnap nodded.
“I’ll drop my shit off in my room and we can go out? My treat.”
Karl giggled, “you don’t have to pay, Nick, I’ve got it.”
Sapnap made a show of making sure he had his card before bringing his suitcase to the guest room while Karl laughed in disbelief.
Sapnap was too good for him.
Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
Karl didn’t let the soft gazes from Sapnap go unnoticed, he only chose to not mention them and let the ravenette drive.
“Oh! They opened a new restaurant from the last time you were here!” Karl brushed his hair from his face and gave Sapnap an excited look, and if Sapnap gave him one of the most fond looks he’s ever seen, well he didn’t say anything about it.
The song changed and Sapnap started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, “just tell me when to turn?”
“Wait, you wanna go!?”
Sapnap chuckled, “of course I wanna go, Karl, you clearly like the place and if you like it then I will. And if all else fails, there’s always chicken tenders.”
Karl snorted as Sapnap started humming to the upbeat song, Karl even recognized it and started singing alone with Sapnap.
“I’d unfuck you if I could!” They both shouted before giggling and resuming, “it’s turbulent! It’s turbulent!”
Karl pressed his forehead to Sapnap’s arm as he laughed, almost forgetting to instruct the man to turn.
The fallen leaves were almost as pretty as Sapnap, Karl determined as they turned down a street with more trees than houses.
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
Sapnap heard a knock on his door but he only groaned and pulled his blanket over his head, “go away.”
“Sap, we have to go to Karl’s stream.” Dream’s voice called from outside the door before it opened. George pattered in, letting Dream stay in the doorway.
“You can’t avoid Karl forever. Besides, it's a Christmas stream, so we have to attend.” George spoke softly, rubbing Sapnap’s back through the blankets. Dream was happy they could get along.
And I know it's long gone and
That magic's not here no more
“I’ll be there in a minute..” Sapnap’s voice was hoarse and George frowned.
“You’ll be okay?” George asked and Sapnap nodded.
And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all
Karl could feel Sapnap watching him as the sun started to set around them. Karl had his hand out of the open window just feeling the air hit his fingers with a smile. They were getting closer to town, and Sapnap nearly didn’t stop at the red light.
'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
Karl had laughed at him for 5 minutes
I remember it all too well
“I used to do theater there!” Karl said, pointing to a building.
“And I bet you were the best one on stage.” Sapnap said with a slick smile and Karl’s cheeks dusted pink.
“I wouldn’t go that far, but I appreciate the confidence in me.”
“Anything for you, Jacobs.”
You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me
Sure things went great in the restaurant.. till someone asked for Karl’s number.
Karl declined the woman, politely but she didn’t seem to like that, and Sapnap didn’t appreciate her trying to pressure Karl.
“Get away from him, lady. He was nice when he said no.”
“What, are you his boyfriend?” She asked and Sapnap chuckled, “what if I was?”
Karl’s cheeks dusted pink, Sapnap had that effect on him.
“Then I would tell you how disgusting it is that someone like him would settle for someone as disgusting as you.” The woman cocked her eyebrow when Karl grabbed Sapnap’s hand.
“Baby, let’s just go.” Karl whispered and Sapnap nodded, leading Karl to the car.
The car ride back was silent. Sapnap had his hands tight enough on the wheel to the point he was white knuckling, while Karl was holding his arm with both his and leaning his head on the arm that was in his hold.
Once back at Karl's, Sapnap wiggled away from the sleeping brunette to go around the car and carry him inside.
Despite his height he was light enough to carry.
Sapnap dropped him off on his bed, taking his shoes off and tucking him in, leaving him with the ghost of a forehead kiss.
Sapnap went downstairs and back out to the car to grab their left overs and his phone, slamming the keys into the bowl by the door.
That woman had no right to act like that.
And you were tossing me the car keys, "fuck everybody "
Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town
Sapnap walked into Dream’s office, seeing George already sitting next to the masked blonde. He was only wearing a green mask on the lower half of his face.
“So now that Sap is here, let’s have serious talk.” Dream said, while Sapnap sat down, seeing the call wasn't as full as it would be. But Karl was there.
“About what?” Karl asked and Quackity went silent.
“What you guys were a few weeks ago,” Dream started and Sapnap whipped his head to look at the blonde, “or whatever the hell happened to you guys.”
And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now
He's gonna say it's love,
“It was just a friendship, Dream.” Karl said and Sapnap’s heart fell, causing him instant nausea. “It’s just sad leaving your friends when we don’t get to see each other often.”
Sapnap stood up and looked at Karl’s face in the camera, seeing his eyes fixed on Sapnap. “I need a drink before we start.” Then he left the room, feeling Karl’s eyes track him out.
you never called it what it was
“I’m sorry for that..” Karl whispered, “This is all my fault so please don’t blame him.”
“Karl,” Dream started, “We don’t know what happened 2 weeks ago..”
“A piece of our friendship died between whispered confessions and an acidic pining. We weren’t meant to last, he will tell you himself.”
'Til we were dead and gone and buried
“Why?” Quackity asked, softly, not wanting to break the tense air.
Check the pulse and come back swearing it's the same
“Because I made him feel that way.” Karl admitted.
After three months in the grave
Sapnap took a sip of his water, hearing Karl’s confession in his earbuds. He was on the call and no one noticed. They were too focused on figuring Sapnap out, trying to get into his head to help the drowning boy without him pulling them with him.
“I miss him.” Karl then admitted and Sapnap hummed, he was muted (obviously) but he still hummed. It was expressionless, emotionless and he could care less for the words.
Till Sapnap’s breath hitched at the sound of Karl crying. Oh. Sapnap bit his lip at the irony. He had texted Karl the same dirty confession days ago, and Karl didn’t care.
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
“He reached for me,” Karl mumbled, “He reached, and I pulled away. And now he’s not reaching anymore.. And I want him back-
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame
-But he’s gone.” Karl chuckled a pained, broken chuckle. A chuckle that did not deserve to leave his mouth.
There was no more Sapnap and Karl - Karl and Sapnap - no more ‘KarlNap’, no more ANYTHING. Karl made that pretty damn clear so what right did he have to sit in this call and cry over something he caused! Something he did!
He pushed Sapnap away! He didn’t want to leave! He didn’t want to abandon the idea of loving Karl!
Sapnap tried.
Yet Karl cried.
And I know it's long gone and
There was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
Sapnap felt the pang in his heart, using the counter to support him as the weight of a broken heart fell back onto him.
He had pushed away that hurt, but it was back in it’s bittersweet sting.
Sapnap puked in the bathroom on his way back to the streaming room.
To forget why I needed to
“I loved Dream before I loved myself.. and I loved myself before I loved you..” Sapnap admitted a few nights into his stay. They were baking brownies at 3am, while listening to music.
Karl allowed Sapnap to spin him and Karl wanted to kiss the smile on his face to watch it grow. He could do it if he wanted to.
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well
But people would know, they would both be guilty of whispering the details into old headphone microphones while smiling to themselves in dark rooms, next to each other, wishing to be together.
It would be their mistake.
And there we are again when nobody had to know
“I simply couldn’t love anyone the way I love him. And I love you, but it’s not the same. It never was. It never would be. We have a different love than him and I do- shit -did. There was love…” Was. . Sapnap was laying his head on Dream’s lap, letting the blonde play within his hair. George had gone to get them all ice cream for a movie night.
“George said Karl never talked about you in the way he admits to seeing you.” Dream said, “It seems like he loved you too.”
“If only that were true.” Sapnap said, kissing Dream’s knuckles. “Gogy is home.” Was what Sapnap decided to leave it at, leaving the couch to greet George at the door.
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath
“Karl, I just pulled in.” George announced and Karl sighed into the phone, “Alright, George.. Just-.. Thank you for listening.”
“It sounds like you loved him.” Love..
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
“Maybe.” And Karl left it at that, hanging up so George could go into his house.
Karl’s answer was as honest as he would allow it to be.
To remember it all too well, yeah
“Was it too much for me to want him to love me?” Sapnap asked a half an hour into the movie, Dream was playing with his hair again.
Well, maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
“Love takes many forms, Sap, and whatever you and Karl had was real, it was beautiful, it was something that was supposed to grow into something much better.” Dream said, while George curled into Sapnap more. A silent I’m here .
“So what happened?” Sapnap asked in a soft - lost - voice.
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
“You know what did.” Dream said, kissing the crown of Sapnap’s head. I’m here.
Sapnap curled into himself more, he knows what happened. He knows what happened.
'Til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
Sapnap heard the call, he knew the ringtone, it was Karl. And he answered it, despite the pain in his heart.
Sapnap knew he was breaking..
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
Karl knew it was terrible of him to call, he knew it was wrong. He knew it hurt.
But he finally realized the love he had and wanted to express his hurt for what he had done.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
He remembers his ghost confessions and is ready to voice them.
'Cause I remember it all, all, all
“You’re everything to me.” Karl whispered and kissed Sapnap on the cheek, keeping their hands together. When did they even start holding hands? Perhaps Sapnap wouldn’t know.
“And you’re everything to me.” Sapnap smiled and stared at the smile lines on Karl’s face, smiling wider. His heart belonged to the boy holding his hand, even if the boy didn’t know it.
You said if we had been closer in location maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was he ?
“My Brain wasn’t made to fathom the sweet words of your love, but my heart - oh that damn organ - could take the words and return them as just a deep of love as it’s taken in.”
”Nick just let me-“
”Don't you get it, Karl? You hurt me!”
“Stop..” Karl mumbled, eyes pricking with tears.
“You fucking hurt me!”
”Stop.” Karl said in a harsher tone while he wiped the tears from his face.
”And I fucking let you!” Sapnap yelled, shame laced in his vocal cords. “Why did I let you hurt me when I knew you would stop loving me?”
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
“I still love you.” Karl whispered and Sapnap ended the call, turning his phone off, and fixed his eyes on his lap, where his hands now rested.
What the fu-
Some creator asking me what happened,
You,
“I actually believed you loved me!” Sapnap yelled, feeling himself sinking into the rapids of the flooding emotions, it couldn’t have been a lie.
What shall a drowning man do but grab the hand of the nearest savior and pull ? What else could he do when they vowed to fall and rise together as if the stars were handcrafted by them and placed into the sky awaiting their time of explosion.
What else should a drowning man do but hurt the savior of whom he loves - fuck - loved the most.
That's what happened, you
“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been such a fool!”
The venomous words escaped his tongue as if they weren’t what they were, but as if they were candy apples - dipped in sweet sugar - handcrafted with the love those with full hearts could feel.
The words dripped like fresh squeezed juice masking the bitter citrus in the air.
The fumes of all were the most toxic - the leftover air after the words were spewed - breathing in such fumes could corrode an artery and stop the beating heart of a shallow, drowning in the deep end, man.
“Then I might as well go the fuck home.” Sapnap said, tone harsh to match the glare in his eyes, “I might as well get the fuck away from you so you don’t have to worry about me making any sort of move on you. And if I still even have my best friends like I had when I fucking got here then I hope not to lose that man. Me and that man vowed to experience emotions together, we vowed to fucking rise and fall together. But that man just pushed me off a fucking cliff not caring if I land safely at the bottom in some whimsicle pool of fucking water!”
“Nick I-”
Sapnap shook his head and answered the phone call he was getting from his dad, “Hey- oh uhm Karl actually just went to pick us food, but I’ll tell him you said hi.” Sapnap gave a final glare to Karl, then went to his own room.
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you're on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come
And he said, "It's supposed to be fun turning twenty-one"
Sapnap huffed and stood up, disregarding his cake, “I’m just ready to go home.” Dream and George stood up walking over to him, allowing him to bid his parents a goodbye before each taking an arm to lead him out of the house and to the car.
Karl’s filming ran overtime.
Of course it would.
It was their one shot at giving it another try.. And Karl was filming with Mr. Beast
Sapnap would assume Karl wasn’t there on purpose, and Karl was trying. He didn’t want to lose this chance. It was his only chance.
“Jimmy, I was already tagged and I really have to-”
“Karl, we have to keep recording, it’s not too serious of a reason to leave, I’m sorry.” Was all Jimmy said, before walking away and Karl looked at the handful of other creators in the giant cell.
Karl felt his blood turn cold, he was stuck here. No Phone. No key. No nothing.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
Karl needed to go see Sapnap, he needed to get in his car and drive himself to the boy he loved - loves - and kiss the hell out of him. Karl was going to find his way out so he could prove that he was himself again.
He just needed to get out of the damn cell.
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Karl tugged the strings of the hoodie he had on, it smelt strongly of Sapnap, seeing as the boy had mailed it back, having accidentally brought it to Florida.
Karl bit his lip as he looked around, before he saw Chris and smirked, the boy was looking for a hiding spot. “Chris.” Karl whispered and Chris jumped a bit before giving Karl a wide-eyed stare, knowing Karl could rat him out at any time.
“I’ll keep my mouth shut if you open the cell door and let me out. And bring me my phone.” Karl said and Chris looked around before running over to the cell.
It was too easy.
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
“Hey, It’s actually snowing for once, have you guys seen my scarf?” Sapnap asked the cuddling boys on the couch.
“No, and I did laundry this morning.” Dream said, “Sorry.”
“You left it at Karl’s.” George whispered the name like it was a sin. Perhaps it deserved to be.
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah
“Oh, right. Well bye.” Sapnap had said he didn’t want to further celebrate his birthday. It was March 1st, snow was falling for some god awful reason despite them living in goddamn Florida. Karl couldn’t even bother to answer his fucking phone.
Sapnap just said he wanted to go for a walk to celebrate his day. His great ol 21st birthday. He could be kicking back shots with his friends, pretending this shit never happened. Pretending Karl never happened.
He really needs to stop thinking about Karl. (The man he loved.)
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
They could have had a real love, with real feelings.
But Karl didn’t let that happen.
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
Not fast enough.
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
Sapnap brushed his hair back, off his forehead and sighed. He was a fool for assuming Karl would show. Karl didn’t care. He never did. He was reckless with Sapnap’s heart, but Sapnap let him.
He was breaking again, constantly on the verge of breaking.
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
" I’ll get more views staying idle but your content always has mr beast in the title ”
Karl should have given Sapnap more reasons to stay..
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I'm a soldier who's returning half his weight
Karl drove as fast as he could, afraid of getting pulled over, taking away the time he had left. The video was shot not too far from Sapnap. Only a 2 hour drive.
He wouldn’t let himself break Sapnap again.
One of them should feel guilty, and it wasn’t Sapnap.
But it’s inevitable that they will both hurt.
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
Karl started seeing specks of snow and saw an orange scarf on his passenger seat, knowing he would need it since he didn’t have a jacket.
Why the honk was it snowing?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
The irony felt as cold as the snow. They were together during the first specks of snow, and would now be together for the last specks.
Karl wonders if Sapnap noticed that.
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
The snow would always bring Sapnap back to Karl..
Just between us, did the love affair maim you all
too well?
Just between us, do you remember it all too well?
“I love you.” “I love you.”
Both boys froze, looking at each other with saddened expressions.
“Goodbye, Karl.” Sapnap said with a sour facial expression, his plane number being called. Karl felt his heart sink into his stomach, creating a nauseous effect, the paleness of Sapnap showed he was also nauseous.
It’s over.
Karl let a tear fall, “Goodbye, Nick.” And another tear. Sapnap’s tears echoed his, neither able to move till the last warning.
Sapnap hesitated, Karl had hope.
“We were meant to be, Nick.” Karl started and dropped Sapnap’s hand - he didn’t realize he had grabbed it - Sapnap took it upon himself to do the hard thing and finish, “But we weren’t meant to last.”
Then Sapnap turned away and walked off to the gate, the sound of his damn suitcase being the silence breaker of their last conversation for a while.
And damn how it hurt.