Work Text:
It's a quiet day on the Albatross. Too quiet, in fact. And Chip is bored out of his mind.
This is never a good thing.
Chip is nearly impossible to keep occupied on a regular basis, but today is especially bad. They've been out on the sea for quite a while now on their way to their next destination. Drey is guiding them to the island he washed up on after the storm that took out the Midnight Rose, and it's been quite the trip. Jay is clearly fed up with him— she's found refuge in the crow's nest and snaps at anyone who gets too close during the day, so he's made the wise choise to keep his distance. Gillion has been spending lots of time either in the captain's quarters or in the kitchen, so Chip hasn't seen much of him, either. They've yet to reconnect with the Crescent Moon after their wreck, either, so he's been left to twiddle his thumbs when he's got nothing useful to do, which he rarely does.
Today, he decides to do some snooping around the kitchen. Gillion is in the study today, and Earl has ventured belowdeck to take a mid-day nap, so the area is clear. He's been through here probably a million times, but each time it's in a different stage of chaos. Today, it's actually pretty clean. The buckets Earl uses to mash up his fruits are empty, and it looks like someone has actually scrubbed the walls and the floor for once. He roots through the cabinets to find them organized and dusted. He raises an eyebrow, impressed. Maybe that's what Gillion has been spending his time doing in here.
He reaches into a cabinet to grab a bottle of beer and freezes when he sees the curl of a page behind the bottles, barely hidden in the back of the cabinet. He tilts his head and reaches back to grab it, only to find a handful of the pages. He scoops them all out and grabs his bottle of beer. He's never seen these pages before. They must be trash or something, because Earl keeps his inventory notepad under his pillow for some fucking reason, and why else would there be paper in the kitchen cabinets?
He slouches into one of the bar stools and shuffles through them to take a look. There's writing on them, so he wants to read them to make sure they're actually junk before he throws them away. He pops open his beer bottle and takes a sip as he takes a look at the top page.
Upon close enough inspection, he sees that the handwriting is none other than Gillion's. He recognizes that loopy, almost unintelligible script immediately. He's always struggled to read Gillion's handwriting— reading in general has never been his strong suit, but Gillion writes like he's in a rush, and his words have a tendency to blend together. Chip really wants to read the pages, though, and he'd rather be caught dead than ask Jay to read them for him, so he settles into his stool and starts to read.
Dear Eden,
I pray that this letter finds you in good health. I pray that it even finds you. I'm not sure that you're still in the palace. I couldn't name a reason as to why you'd have left, but
The letter itself ends there. The words lend themselves into what appears to be nothing more than frustrated scribbles. Chip furrows his eyebrows and reads the letter again. He wonders who Eden is. A sibling? An old friend? A lover?
His stomach twists with guilt as he shuffles through the pages. He probably shouldn't be reading these, but his curiosity has always gotten the best of him, and this time is no different.
Most of the other letters start and end the same way. A lot aren't any longer than three sentences, and one simply says "Dear Eden," and nothing else. Some of them have the similar scribbles at the end, like he just got so irritated that he couldn't help but ruin the page. Others end mid-sentence, or tie off neatly with a period, but all of them seem to be unfinished.
He finds one at the bottom of the pile that's longer than the rest.
Dear Eden,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I miss you so much. I think about you every day. I wonder if you know where I went. Did they tell you? If they did, was it the truth? I'm so afraid of what either option would entail. I still feel shame for what I did, but what I feel about the situation could never amount to the grief that I feel for you, Eden. I'm terribly worried that I have disappointed you both for what I did and for not being able to say goodbye. I don't doubt that you have continued to grow into a strong young woman since I've left.
I wanted to apologize to you for what happened. Again, I don't know what our fathers have chosen to tell you, but here is the truth: I assaulted a Navy admiral because I felt threatened by him, and that was the last straw. I was exiled immediately. Father and Baba didn't even let me say goodbye to you. Baba actually escorted me to the gates, told me to never return under any circumstance. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He wouldn't let me say goodbye to you, wouldn't take a message, nothing. It pained me deeply. I'm sorry, always, for the way that things ended. I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you.
I've found a new purpose. I think you would be proud of me. You always said for me to take the pressure off of myself, to do what I could and not feel bad for my shortcomings. It's been a hard adjustment, but I suppose my exile was what it took for me to finally listen. I've found a ship with a new crew. Chip and Jay are
The letter ends there. No scribbles, nothing. It just ends. Chip feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. Exiled?
"Earl told me those would be safe in here."
Chip whips around, his face burning with embarrassment. Gillion is standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. "Did Earl show you where those were?"
"No, I—" Chip clears his throat. "Found 'em. Wanted to make sure it wasn't trash before I threw 'em away."
"Hm." Gillion's eyes bore into him. "Did you read them?"
"I did." Chip glances away. "Sorry."
"It's fine." Gillion comes over and grabs the letters from where Chip set them down on the counter. He shuffles through the pages thoughtfully, heaving out a sigh. "Someone probably needed to see these anyway."
Chip studies him for a moment. He looks exhausted all of a sudden. His brow is furrowed, and there's a deep fatigue in his eyes that Chip has never seen before. Even his shoulders are slumped. He looks... sad. Chip's stomach twists, and he feels worse than ever for reading the letters.
"That doesn't mean I should've read them," Chip mumbles. "So. Sorry. I mean it."
Gillion shrugs. It's quiet for a long moment. Chip takes a swig of his beer and asks, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Gillion shrugs again. "Not much to talk about."
"I beg to differ. Totally up to you whether you wanna talk about it, though."
The triton is quiet for a long moment. He turns the pages over in his hands, contemplating. Chip can see the wheels turning in his head.
"Who's Eden?" Chip asks gently, hoping that the question will give him a place to start.
"My sister," Gillion answers immediately, and there's a softness in his voice that Chip has never heard before. Chip raises his eyebrows.
"I didn't know you had a sister," he muses.
Gillion smiles weakly. "I don't talk about her a lot. I miss her too much." Gillion meets his eyes, and his gaze is so fragile and caring that Chip's heart lurches in his chest. He's never looked so vulnerable before. Really, he’s never been so vulnerable before. Chip feels it, too. It makes him feel exposed. “She was a few years younger than me.” Chip realizes that makes a lot of sense. Gillion is very protective and definitely very independent. “She was the light of my life, Chip. No one else supported me the way she did.” Gillion drops his head, curling his hands into fists at his sides. “All my parents wanted was for me to be the best. To act like the Chosen One that I was deemed to be. Any minor slip-up was a major embarrassment to them, a detriment to the family name.” His posture softens a little. “Eden didn’t care about any of that. She just wanted her older brother. And she wanted what was truly best for me. She saw me as nothing more than Gillion. Not a champion, not a hero— at least, not in any context outside of her personal champion, her heroic older sibling.”
Gillion looks up again, and his eyes are filled to the brim with tears. Chip reaches out and sets a hand on his shoulder without really thinking about it. Gillion closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “What I said is true. I was exiled. And I feel so much shame for what I did. I lost my temper. But I’m angry at my fathers for using it as an excuse to get rid of me. I’m absolutely outraged that they wouldn’t let me see Eden one last time. They were so worried that I’d already influenced her and tainted her mind beyond repair.”
“Neither of you deserved that,” Chip says softly. He squeezes Gillion’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be done now.” Gillion squeezes his eyes shut. “I don’t know what to do. I keep writing these letters to her and then I can’t send them because I’m so worried that she hates me for what I did. I have no idea what she even— what they told her I did— but she’s always had my back, and I don’t know if I can face the idea of her being disappointed in me after all these years.”
“And that’s why you haven’t sent the letters,” Chip says thoughtfully. “Because you’re afraid of how she’ll react?”
Gillion nods miserably. “And what if it doesn’t even get to her? What if my parents withhold it from her? What if it gets to her and she doesn’t even read it? I don’t know if I could bear it. I just want things to be normal again.” Gillion looks back up at Chip, and there’s a deep sadness in his eyes. “I wouldn’t trade this crew and our adventures for the world, but I miss my sister, Chip. And I am tired of pretending I don’t.”
“You should’ve told Jay and I,” Chip murmurs. “We would’ve understood. Hell, Jay is in almost the exact same situation as you.”
“But it’s not the same. And I can’t—“ Gillion shakes his head. “It hurts to relive those memories. And I have been taught for years to hide away my true feelings. Even now, I feel sick to my stomach, telling you this. I trust you, but I am not used to being… vulnerable.”
“I know how that feels,” Chip mumbles under his breath. “But don’t you feel a little better now, talking about it?” Gillion hesitates, then nods a little. “Exactly.” Chip is slowly learning that talking your problems out is normally actually better than suffering in isolation. Wild. “And I wouldn’t be too worried about what Eden thinks of you, honestly. I mean, I don’t know her, obviously, but it seems like she really looked up to you. And, I mean, if you two had a close relationship— which you seem to have had— then I’m sure she doesn’t think you’d just up and leave without reason. Sure, she probably wishes you’d reached out, but I’m sure she’ll understand if you tell her you literally couldn’t. And I don’t see how she couldn’t still be so proud of you.” Gillion’s eyes shift, gaining an odd intensity that makes the words die in Chip’s throat, just for a moment. “Um. You know. You’ve just. You’ve accomplished a lot. You’re finding who you are and what you were made for, and you’re a super big help around the ship, and you’re such a good person. I mean, wholeheartedly, you are one of the most honest, bravest people I’ve ever met. There’s no way she wouldn’t be proud of you for that. I mean, c’mon. You’re Gillion.” Chip moves his hand from Gillion’s shoulder to the center of his chest. “You’ve got nerves of steel and a heart of gold. What’s not to love?”
Gillion is quiet for a long moment, still staring at Chip with that same intensity. Chip can’t decipher the emotion behind it, and after a while of that same stare, he starts to worry that maybe he said the wrong thing. Fuck. Maybe being open about your feelings really isn’t the way to go!
And then Gillion is slamming the letters down on the counter behind Chip and kissing him, and okay, Chip takes it back.
Gillion wraps his arms around Chip’s waist to keep him from losing balance and toppling off of the stool he’s sitting on. Chip’s hands come to rest on his broad shoulders— gods, he’s built like a tank— and his brain is absolutely scrambled, trying to process what is happening and dear lord Gillion Tidestrider is kissing him and he’s kissing back? And he’s enjoying himself? What fucking timeline is he in?
Gillion pulls back after a moment, leaving Chip to stare at him in stunned silence.
“Was that too forward?” Gillion asks, face pale.
“I don’t think so,” Chip replies breathlessly, tugging him in to kiss him again.
They stay like that for a long while, tangled up in each other against the counter. Gillion holds him steady, a firm foundation, and Chip takes the time to let his hands wander, to memorize the feeling of his muscular arms and the cut of his jaw and the softness of his hair. He’s realizing now how many times he’s imagined this exact scenario, kissing Gillion to his heart’s content until the breath is gone from between them.
Finally, after a long while, Chip brings himself to pull away. “I think you should try to write something to her,” he whispers, playing with the ends of the triton’s hair. “She would love to hear from you.”
“Maybe.” Gillion nudges his nose into the crook of Chip’s neck and plants a chaste kiss there. Chip laughs nervously.
“I mean, I think you’ve got a pretty good start here.” Chip reaches behind him and sorts through the pages until he gets to the longer one, holding it out. “Never hurts to come back to an old idea.”
“I’ll think about it,” Gillion promises, and when he leans back in to kiss him again, Chip has no complaints.
•••
Dear Eden,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I miss you so much. I think about you every day. I wonder if you know where I went. Did they tell you? If they did, was it the truth? I'm so afraid of what either option would entail. I still feel shame for what I did, but what I feel about the situation could never amount to the grief that I feel for you, Eden. I'm terribly worried that I have disappointed you both for what I did and for not being able to say goodbye. I don't doubt that you have continued to grow into a strong young woman since I've left.
I wanted to apologize to you for what happened. Again, I don't know what our fathers have chosen to tell you, but here is the truth: I assaulted a Navy admiral because I felt threatened by him, and that was the last straw. I was exiled immediately. Father and Baba didn't even let me say goodbye to you. Baba actually escorted me to the gates, told me to never return under any circumstance. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He wouldn't let me say goodbye to you, wouldn't take a message, nothing. It pained me deeply. I'm sorry, always, for the way that things ended. I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you.
I've found a new purpose. I think you would be proud of me. You always said for me to take the pressure off of myself, to do what I could and not feel bad for my shortcomings. It's been a hard adjustment, but I suppose my exile was what it took for me to finally listen. I've found a ship with a new crew. Chip and Jay are my best friends now. Truly wonderful people. I think you would love them. They are just as supportive of me as you have always been. Maybe some day I will be able to bring you to meet them. I’ve told Chip about you. He seems to like what he’s heard about you.
I hope you know that my love for you has never faltered or faded over the months I’ve been away. I have no doubt that you’ve been fine off without me, and I have been too in all technicalities, but it would be nice to see your face again. Maybe we can make arrangements one day. Until then, again, I am sorry for the way things ended, but I hope you’re proud of me for this new chapter that I have begun, and I hope one day I will see you in it once again.
Sending all of my love,
Gillion Tidestrider