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[Some time during their later travels in the undercity. Idk, fit it in with your brain somehow.]
“Fuck.”
Vi cursed quietly under her breath, hitting the back of the estrogen vial with her fist. She slammed it to the shitty bathroom counter and drew back the syringe, but nothing except a few bubbles came up.
“Fuck!”
Finding estrogen here in the city, from people who knew her- or even might know her, even just recognize her faintly- made her insides turn with shame. She felt raw, exposed. It was too much of her to give to anyone.
“Vi,” Caitlyn knocked above the rumble of the bar outside, “Hurry up.”
“Coming!” Vi snapped, throwing the syringe in the trash and the vial in her bag. She burst out the door and led the way out of the bright lights and movement of the bar, Caitlyn following quickly after.
Vi swung onto a roof and she scrambled after as she leapt across the city towards a nestle of abandoned buildings, towering and half open to the night. Vi pulled herself up with further familiarity, looking around the dusty, wrecked space fondly. A mouse shrieked and skittered past Caitlyn and down the wall, and she drew her bag closer to herself as if the little creature might steal it, stepping into the space.
“What is this place?”
Vi shrugged.
“I don’t know, it’s been abandoned for years,” she rested her fingers on faded, colorful drawings on the wall, wincing as though it stung her, “...my sister and I used to come here all the time.”
She swung her bag to the ground and didn’t notice it tip open, following the little drawings out to the edge of the room where it opened jaggedly to the cityscape. Her vial rolled across the dusty ground, glinting in the light, and Caitlyn crouched down and picked it up. She examined it suspiciously between her fingers, but it was unmarked and empty.
Vi glanced at Caitlyn, then again and took quick steps towards her, snatching the vial.
“Vi-”
“Don’t touch my shit,” she snapped with sudden sharpness, shoving the empty bottle back into her bag and slinging it around herself guardedly. Caitlyn flinched back, hurt. She liked Caitlyn; she didn't want to ruin things. Panic stirred rapidly in her gut. She couldn’t tell her, not yet. Maybe not ever. The less who knew the better. Caitlyn’s gaze narrowed, stepping towards her.
“What was that?”
“Nothing!” Vi flung her hands up, moving back to the jagged window of a wall and staring aimlessly down at the city. She couldn’t take it. She couldn’t have someone leave her for it again, look at her differently.
“Well you aren’t acting like it’s nothing,” Caitlyn said, “People don’t just carry vials around. It doesn’t look like shimmer-”
“It’s not shimmer! I don’t do anything like that shit! And it’s empty anyway.”
“It didn’t look very official: it’s not from a doctor.” Caitlyn took a step towards her and Vi tensed, anxious and insulted, “Are you shooting up some kind of drug-?”
“Well it’s hard to get an official prescription for HRT in prison,” Vi spat, reeling to her, voice breaking to something exasperated and scared, “I’m trans!” She let her arms fall to her sides and turned back to the city, sitting down and drawing her knees to her chest crossly.
Caitlyn unfroze, stepping gently towards her. Vi didn’t look up, and when she glanced meekly towards Caitlyn she found her eyes were teary. She looked away quickly, hiding behind her hair. Caitlyn sat down beside her, softly.
“Where did you get the needles?"
Vi didn't meet her gaze, voice still taut.
"Those were easier to get. I'd just reuse them as long as I could."
“That’s horribly unsafe-!”
“I know!” Vi snapped, still not looking at her, voice more scared than angry. She braced herself as if for a fight. “Just… If you’re gonna leave or say some crap just do it now.”
Caitlyn said nothing for a moment, fiddling with her bag. Vi gave a lifeless laugh in the quiet before Caitlyn broke it.
“What dose were you on?”
“What?” Vi disinterestedly processed the question before Caitlyn could ask it again, “I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” Caitlyn pulled a bottle from her bag, “Can’t be too much off of mine.”
Vi froze, than sat up, turning to her. The woman held out the bottle and she took it, reading it’s label although she wouldn’t have been able to tell what most of the medical words and information meant. Estradiol.
“I don’t need them right now,” she continued, rolling up her sleeve to reveal a patch on her arm, “I brought them in case it got damaged or removed.”
Vi glanced from her patch to her face.
“Are-?”
“I’m trans too!” She said, smiling, with her arms out as Vi had done.
“Oh,” Vi visibly relaxed, leaning back on her arms with her head back, cursing something under her breath. Embarrassedly she turned away to wipe at her eyes, gathering herself.
“They’re yours,” Caitlyn motioned to the bottle, “I mean it.” Then, “They’re daily.”
“Thank you.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, staring down at the city. “When did you... know?” She asked quietly. Didn’t need to elaborate.
“Since I was a child, since I could talk. I guess I was lucky with that. My parents did not appreciate my knowing who I was, but quickly they found I wasn’t changing and let me transition before I became too known as a boy. Still, I’m a counselor's daughter. News spread fast. Many people know, and those who don’t hear it through gossip I’m sure.”
“It’s not any better topside? I mean, I’m not surprised,” Caitlyn rolled her eyes, Vi continued, “But, ‘city of progress’,” she gave a dry ha.
“No, I don’t think by much. It’s advancement within constraints. Moving beyond tradition is unacceptable,” she played with a piece of debri from the ground between her fingers, looking up to Vi, “And I suppose in the undercity you’re already at each others throats?” Vi smirked humorlessly.
“Not much time for progress,” she glanced at the drawings across the wall. She could still recognize which were Powder’s and which were Claggor’s and Milo’s, from when they’d bring them there sparingly. It was her and Powder’s little hideout. Or Jinx’s. Her heart twisted, it hurt to look at the drawings that way. To look at Powder that way.
“What about you. When did you know?”
“I was older than you. Maybe twelve, thirteen. Things were starting and I hated it,” she didn’t look away from the drawings on the wall, “Luckily Van-… my dad, and my siblings, were supportive. Other people were not.”
“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn put a hand on her shoulder, and Vi finally turned back to the city, turned the bottle in her hands before opening it and swallowing one of the capsules.
“First was a friend, from when I was little,” Vi said. Some logical part of her tore her back, told her to keep her mouth shut, but she’d been cracked open and all that she’d kept for years came spilling. For an only person who could understand. Caitlyn watched her with gentle eyes; Vi watched the city like she was watching it unfold there. “It wasn’t even her who was against me, it was her father. Forced her to stop seeing me. Said I would turn her… like us.”
“I know what that’s like. I was too little to understand at the time, for me people just disappeared from my life, only now do I understand what truly happened.”
“There were lots of other kids or their parents or patrons. It doesn't help being butch,” Vi continued, not in her mind to realize Caitlyn had no idea who Vander was or that he owned a bar, “Vander tried to hide why they left or looked at me weird but I’m not stupid and I heard them talk.” Her voice was tight; nose wrinkled. “Needless to say prison was not any better. Guards were worse than the other inmates.” Her mouth shut after a moment and her eyes stung with more she wouldn’t share. “I guess I deserve it though.” She spat another dry laugh. “Since they couldn’t force it out of me.” Caitlyn rubbed her shoulder and she half-heartedly tried to shrug it off. “Don’t tell me you don’t think it too.”
“I don’t think you deserved any of it!” She said firmly, leaning forward though Vi still refused to meet her eyes.
“I mean about yourself.”
The enforcer froze, falling silent. Another dull chuckle. Caitlyn finally spoke:
“We didn’t deserve any of it!”
“You really believe that?” Vi sighed quietly, numbly.
“No,” Caitlyn said softly, almost defeated, but she rose back with sharp determination, “But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. There is no reason for us to hate ourselves even if some others do. And if they say things about us that aren’t true.” She gently pulled for Vi to turn to her, “Vi”, and she finally did, tears eyes looking away and brows furrowed.
Caitlyn’s arms wrapped around her suddenly. Vi blinked, a hot tear streaking down her cheek and onto the other woman's shoulder. Tentatively, she brought her own arms around her, eyes screwing shut as she let herself melt into the warmth, let herself feel safe in the midst of everything, for the first time in…