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There were two rules in his life that he'd never stray from, one he was a reader and should live a reader's life and two, never get married. Maybe that phrase coming from someone way past their prime made him sound like some sort of bitter old man but he's lived with this ideology since childhood. There was also the fact that other people didn't really interest him in a way others spoke of.
He's never felt his heart thump out of control, he's never gotten lost in someone's eyes or wished to spend his entire lifetime with someone. He's never felt the need to be closer to his peers or yearned for someone to fill the void in his heart. He just summed it up as the mass media trying to make a profit on the word love and moved on with his life.
The other reason why he would never get married was because he's seen what marriage does to a person. He's seen how the ugliest parts of someone will come out because of a pair of golden bands. Before it all went wrong, when he was smaller then he could even imagine, his mom would cradle him close and tell him stories about his dad.
About how they were so in love that every morning they'd share a kiss and Kim Dokja would gag at the kissy faces she made as she smooched his cheeks as an example. He would giggle as she attacked his cheeks with soft little kisses that felt like the sucker of the octopus he got to hold when they went to the petting zoo. He wanted to get married too.
Those were just stories. Stories with morals he needed to read, decipher, and annotate with his mind. Kim Dokja did not want to get married anymore.
If they had progressed like a normal family he supposed his parents probably would've gotten a divorce. Or maybe his mom would've stayed with him and suffered under angry words and shattered bottles. Obviously things did not progress like a normal family.
When he wasn't getting beaten black and blue by Song Minwoo and his friends, he would remember listening in on conversations. Not because he was nosey but because his eyes were too swollen to even read the text on his phone. He remembers one of his classmates sobbing in class stating that their parents just got a divorce.
He wonders why they were so sad. This just strengthened his resolve to never get married, when you got married your happiness eventually got sucked away. That golden band would be the shackles to your partner even when the love ran dry because of the two stupid words you said at the altar.
Anyone who said they were still in love was lying. It was normal for marriages to fall out, he's seen it so many times. Whether it was because of money, a lack of love, infidelity, adultery, family etc. etc. Everyone eventually fell out of love and that terrified him.
Because he met Yoo Joonghyuk. Yoo Joonghyuk was perfect, he could cook, he was handsome, he knew how to deal with his emotions and the best part was he was interested in Kim Dokja. He made Kim Dokja feel those emotions that he didn't feel in his childhood and he finally knew what it meant to be in love.
His heart would thump wildly around Yoo Joonghyuk, he'd get lost in the others eyes, he wanted to get closer to him, wanted Yoo Joonghyuk to fill that void in his heart.
He wished he wasn't in love.
If Yoo Joonghyuk ended up as another passing pretty boy then maybe Kim Dokja would've been able to cope with the missed opportunity. But he wasn't. The first thing Yoo Joonghyuk did was choke him. A horrible first impression but he sheepishly invited Kim Dokja over for dinner to make up for that mistake. He'd never say no to a free dinner.
After that Yoo Joonghyuk found more excuses to keep him coming back, he left his scarf at his house, he had an extra movie ticket, he had a new recipe. Kim Dokja fell for each plot until he was completely enamored with him. Their relationship would have a falling out soon after that.
Yoo Joonghyuk was a great boyfriend, he took care of Kim Dokja and Kim Dokja made sure to do the same. That is until Yoo Joonghyuk got down on one knee.
It was horribly romantic, he tangled their hands together and sat him down on the couch as he sank to his knees. Kim Dokja could feel his throat constrict with panic, he didn't think it would come so soon. He wanted to be happier for just a little bit longer.
Before Yoo Joonghyuk could pull the ring out he unclasped their hands and shook his head softly.
"We can't" he whispered, and when Yoo Joonghyuk asked him why they couldn't get married he couldn't give a proper answer.
How did he explain that he was terrified of getting married, that he didn't want to see their love fall apart before his very eyes. That he didn't want a shackle in the form of a gold band, that he didn't want to be one of those fools who said those two stupid words at the altar.
How did he explain that he never wanted to be the idiot who shed tears when they eventually got a divorce. How did he explain the past thirty years of his life in a way that he would understand? He couldn't, so he didn't.
Yoo Joonghyuk was not very understanding about this, "why can't we get married?"
His angry tone made his skin crawl, he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole because he could never give Yoo Joonghyuk an answer. Not one that would satisfy the man at least.
"Kim Dokja give me one good reason why."
He worried his lips between his teeth, shaking his head softly, biting down a sob when Yoo Joonghyuk dropped his fingers along with his smile. Kim Dokja hated marriage, but he thinks he hated saying no more.
After that their relationship took a turn for the worst, Yoo Joonghyuk felt more distant even if they were sitting side by side. He would forget their morning kisses, their hugs were short lasting and he avoided eye contact on a good day.
His heart trembled. He didn't get it. He didn't get it at all. They weren't married. There was no golden band to shackle them together, he didn't say those foolish words at the altar. And yet their relationship was falling through the cracks of his fingers the way he's seen time and time again.
Kim Dokja didn't want to touch their relationship, he refused to rekindle the flames of their relationship for fear of getting burned. Things only got worse from there on out. Yoo Joonghyuk would hardly come home, and when he did, he would grunt out an answer here or there when he felt like replying. Kim Dokja would only silently bite down on his lip until he could taste the coppery tang of blood on his tongue.
He bitterly watched his worst fear play out before his eyes, they became strangers living in the same house. Kim Dokja was a coward.
Why couldn't he just tell his lover? Why was he so afraid of rejection? He's been rejected by his peers, his own family but he supposes rejection from someone he trusted so dearly would hurt that much more.
As time passed Kim Dokja's depression grew until he could no longer sleep in the same bed as Yoo Joonghyuk. Instead he would wake up at odd hours of the night and wander the house aimlessly lost in thought. What if he had just said yes?
Would he be in less pain then? Would he have been happier? There was no point in wondering about something that had already happened, instead he slipped on his shoes and walked away from their shared house. Being there made him feel suffocated.
Winter was cold that night. Frosty air hitting his cheeks but he couldn't feel it through the numbness of his brain. He lost track of time as he shuffled through the snow, consciousness drifting in and out. He reached into his coat to check the time only to realize that he left his phone at the house. He lifted his head to see where he was but he found no familiar land markers. (Well it didn't really matter if there was a land marker, he had a horrible sense of direction.)
His footprints were already being buried in the snow as he stood, and he couldn't find the energy to panic as he fell backwards into a pile of snow. He was so tired. His legs ached and his eyelids felt so heavy.
A small part of his brain screamed at him to not fall asleep, he'd never wake up if he did. The other part of his brain already had his eyelids slipping shut. This would be for the better anyways. If he wasn't in the way then Yoo Joonghyuk could get married to someone he loved. He wouldn't need to stay with Kim Dokja out of obligation the way some married couples did.
If he had any feeling left in his body he'd feel someone frantically shaking him, but he does hear muffled shouting and cold drops of liquid on his cheeks. He thinks he can feel the liquid sliding down his cheek. He loses consciousness.
When he wakes up his first thought was "oh I survived"
He goes to rub at his crusted eyes but finds his hands are trapped in a warm embrace. His eyes slowly trail up muscled arms to see Yoo Joonghyuk with a killer grip on his hands, frantically rubbing them and blowing hot air onto his fingers.
He blinks in surprise. Yoo Joonghyuk still hadn't noticed he was awake, too busy warming him up to notice. Then his fingers twitch in the man's grip and carbon colored eyes snap to his face. His brows scrunch up in a weird way and his lips part and Kim Dokja readies himself for what he has to say. .
"I'm sorry," Yoo Joonghyuk's voice cracks. Kim Dokja's mind reels as Yoo Joonghyuk bows his head, hands tightly clasped around the appendage like a prayer.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I got so mad, I'm sorry that I didn't notice sooner, I was a bad lover wasn't I? If you don't want to get married we don't have to just please. Don't ever do that again, Dokja, my Dokja"
Kim Dokja didn't know what to say, he wasn't expecting Yoo Joonghyuk to apologize. Everyone wanted to get married, it was a natural part of life just as it was natural to fall out of love. He didn't blame Yoo Joonghyuk for wanting a life like that, it was just he wasn't the one who could give him that life.
"If you had just told me you were scared of marriage I would've respected your decision and we could've lived as we always did."
"How did you-"
"It doesn't matter how, I should've just respected your decision without question."
"But you-"
"Kim Dokja" his lips snapped shut, "I was a fool, I promise to not be one anymore. Will you promise to stay with me?"
Kim Dokja's face contorted in confusion. Was Yoo Joonghyuk really happy with not getting married? Didn't he want a family? Didn't he want to spend the rest of his life with the person he loved? What was he going to do if Yoo Joonghyuk felt like he no longer loved him?
"Kim Dokja, stop over thinking things. We cannot guarantee the future so there's no point in worrying about it"
Ah, that's right. He was doubting Yoo Joonghyuk too much. This was the man who jumped into a lake to save his phone because all of their first memories were on there. He was also the man who always made him breakfast dinner and lunch without fail, making sure he always ate before he left for work even if it made him late. Kim Dokja was also a fool.
"For as long as you'll have me" he replied.
One of these day's Yoo Joonghyuk would teach his lover what a healthy marriage looked like but for now he was content with what he had