Archive of Our Own ^beta

Nick wasn’t raised particularly religious. He never believed in God and he had always been aware that praying was not some solution to all his problems. That’s just how he’d been raised.

He was raised with different beliefs.

His mother always used to tell him about soulmates when Nick was younger. Explaining him all about the ways of the world; how at birth two people become connected somehow. Throughout they would share each other’s pain. They understood each other and were destined to fall in love.

At first he didn’t really believe in it. Sure, it sounded logical that everyone had someone to love, either romantically or platonically, in this universe, but for them to share the same pain? That didn’t make any sense to him. Or at least, it didn’t at first.

For the first years of his live, he complete ignored the idea of having some soulmate. He wasn’t connected to someone special; he’d just run into someone some day and know that girl would be the one. That wasn’t because he didn’t like the fairy tales his mother shared with him before bed time; it was because her beliefs would imply that he didn’t have anyone, any soulmate.

See, Nick never felt any unexplained pain. Sure, from time to time a bruise appeared out of nowhere and he couldn’t quite remember how he got it, but that happened to everyone. Right?

He didn’t feel intense pain that connected to someone else.

Did that mean he wouldn’t find a soulmate, ever, because he didn’t have one? That’s not what Nick wanted to believe in, so instead he completely abandoned the idea of soulmates that his mom planted in his brain so long ago. He went on with his life , trying to connect to people even if he didn’t feel the pain they were hiding from the rest of the world.

There were no soulmates.

That’s what Nick believed in-

***

“What the-“ the words left Nick’s mouth, hissed through clenched teeth.

His hand wrapped around his upper leg when a slash of pain shoots through it. It was unlike any muscle ache he’d felt before; even after playing actual rugby matches the pain has never been so intense. He told himself he must’ve pulled a muscle or something when he slipped on the damp grass during yesterday’s practice.

Right. He told himself. That must be it.

Yet, the way he had to keep his teeth grinding down on each other in an attempt not to scream out in pain made it almost unbelievable. He knew he would’ve felt a tear or break right way. And it would’ve given him a completely different type of ache; sort of dull and stingy, nothing compared to these slices of pain tore through his flesh over and over. The short pauses in between the paralysing pain were kept to a minimum, but they gave him time to inhale before being struck by it again.

Is it over? Nick wondered when he felt no new strings to make him suffer for multiple seconds.

He got out from underneath the blanket, careful not to set off the torture once again. It felt like a stupid idea, moving so much right after feeling such torment, but he needed to know where this pain was coming from; was it a muscle strain or a bug bite or-

His heart stopped. Eyes growing bigger when they noticed the small streaks that stretched over the surface of his leg. They weren’t hiding themselves at all, with their bright red, fleshy colour, but Nick still felt like he shouldn’t be seeing this. Not on his skin, at least.

What is this? He thought to himself as he stroked with his fingers over the wounds. They were shallow and barely left any blood on his fingers as he touched them with utter care. Yet, the stings that shot through his entire leg when his skin stroke past them were near to unbearable.

Just the thought of what they sent cold shivers down his spine. Freezing cold shivers that made his entire body tense up. Frozen into place. Not a clue what to do about this.

His heart throbbed in this throat as a stared down at his tearing flesh. It felt like magic, the dark kind, the way those cuts appeared on his skin while he wasn’t even wielding a weapon.

A second wave kicked in not much later.

He wasn’t prepared for the pain to hit him ever deeper this time. Caught completely off guard, a scream managed to escape from his mouth as tears streamed over his cheeks. It’s not over.

He clenched his hands around his tearing skin, trying to reduce the amount blood that seeped from the narrow cut. This one wasn’t shallow like the others. It was filled with deep-rooted hatred. Or so it felt, causing tears to pour out of Nick’s eyes as the pain dragged mercilessly for what felt like ages.

“Nicky!” So faint. “Nicky!” So far away. The voice barely even reached his ears. Not until a strong pressure on his shoulders, caused him to snap out of the daze he’d fallen into. “Nicky!”

The world around him, slowly but surely, came flooding back. It took him a while to recognize the fearful eyes that stared right into his.

“Mom,” his voice sounded just as far away as hers. The pain made his ears rustle, or maybe it was the echo of his own screaming that still remained present. Just as the ghost of the pain caused by the cut that stretched over his skin. Who- no, what was doing this to him?

“You’re bleeding!” His mother shrieked. Her hands tore away Nick’s, that were trying so desperately to hide the cut marks that now covered his leg. Such immense pain could be clearly read from her face when she laid eyes upon the marks; some of which had since long past turned into scars without Nick ever noticing something to be off. He’d never felt this pain before, yet, some cuts seemed older than the red streaks that woke him up this night.

“Mom, it’s not what it seems,” he whispered, keeping his voice low so no one beside the two of them could hear; there was no one here, listening to his words, but he still felt a present. Something like a ghost, the evil kind, that did this to him. But then, exactly what had he done to piss off this ghost.

With hands folded in front of her mouth and tears like a shiny film over her eyes, she shook her head. “Nicky, why would you-“

“It’s not what it seems!” he repeated, much louder this time. He didn’t mean to scream at her; it wasn’t her fault. If he hadn’t known any better he would think this’d been his doing too. But he didn’t do these kinds of things; he’s never even given thought to it. He loved his life way too much.

He glanced away, redirecting his focus to his bedding, counting the bits of dog hair that covered it. Distracting himself seemed to work just a little; the pain in his leg slowly but surely started to pull away and before he knew it his racing heart rate started to drop too. Slowly, the fog pulled away from his thoughts, which helped him read the situation more realistically. Now that he wasn’t entirely on edge anymore, he could see that he didn’t have to scream at his mother. If someone would believe him when he said this wasn’t his doing, it’d be her. She knew he was truly happy. Right?

“I didn’t do this.” He remained calm while he explained it to her; how the pain suddenly rushed into his leg, how he couldn’t stop it from happening, because he wasn’t the one holding the blade. “There was no blade,” he clarified. “I don’t quite know how but-“

“Have you been feeling any other strange pains or aches?” Her question came out of the blue. It was something that would’ve made sense if Nick had been feeling heartburns or short of breath, because it meant they should go to a doctor sooner than later. But why when this was a completely unexplainable phenomenon? If she’d take him to a doctor with this, they’d send him to a mental hospital for sure. That was not what he needed right now.

“No-“ He gave it some more thought, because maybe he had. He’d been discovering bruises, some worse than others, over the past months. He’d always thought of them as a consequence for playing rugby with the other lads; they never went easy on him, since he had such strong build. And, when he thought back to a little while ago, he remembered the stomach ache that bugged him all day; like a severe sense of hunger that stuck with him no matter how much he ate. He stayed home all day and officially decided that he had the flu, even though he never puked up any of the many things he ate that day. But that was normal right? To have a sick day in between all the healthy ones. “Okay, maybe I have been feeling a little strange,” he eventually does decide to admit, because it doesn’t seem completely normal to him that he’s never really felt pain as often as the past months.

His mom’s eyes went a little bigger. “Nicky?”

“Yeah?” He looked up, into her eyes. They were filled with worry, one that seemed so deep that it send shiver down Nick’s spine. Not because she was worried, because she sure as Hell had a right to; no, it was the fact that the fearful expression on her face seemed off somehow, when Nick compared it to the times that she’d been worried about him. This seemed worse.

“I think your soulmate needs your help.”

For a second, his heart stopped; he never expected that to be what she’d be worried about. It seemed foolish to have her remind him of the fairy tales she told him when he was younger. It was absurd; this pain couldn’t be caused by some girl he didn’t even know. That’s dumb.

“Mom,” he whined, telling her to stop spouting such nonsense.

“I know what you’re thinking, Nicholas.” Her expression became for fierce, so serious that he could barely hold on to the idea that she was trying to blame this on something made up. “But it’s no joke.”

“What?” He frowned. “How could this person need me? I don’t even know her.” He only asked it because he was curious, not because he thought that might be a slight chance that his mother was actually speaking the truth. That’s what he told himself as he listened to her answer in disbelief.

“I don’t know why she needs you and where she even is,” she admitted, even though she normally always acted like she knew everything to calm Nick’s nerves down. “but I do know that these are signs that she needs you, soon.” She gestures at the cuts and scars that line my skin. “Or-“

“Or what?” They came out as easy as a breath; he had no control. He had to know more.

“Or you’ll be too late.” His mother shook her head, her lips pressed into a firm line. “You need to find her before it’s too late. With soulmates you don’t get a second chance.”

What? Nick’s eyes filled up with tears. Does that mean that-

“How do I find her?” he blurted. “I need to find her. Safe her before- before-“ The words got stuck in his throat, forced to stay behind the lump that chocked him up. “I just- how do I find her?”

“I don’t know, Nicky-“ She didn’t look hopeful at all when she reached out to stroke his head.

His heart seemed to stop completely. He felt numb inside, just at the thought of losing the one and only person that was meant for him. That couldn’t happen, but how could he find her. Help her.

Her fingers combed through his hair, trying to calm him down. It didn’t really work, as his heart ached a little more each time she repeated herself. “I really don’t know.”

***

With soulmates, you don’t get a second chance. His mother’s words stuck with him throughout the next eight months. Along with the new scars that covered his legs by the end of his last semester.

By the time summer started, it only happened from time to time by now and most times he gained just one or two new cuts that faded away without any scars at all. There weren’t any new ones over summer. A fortunate sign, because it meant his soulmate was doing better. Or so he hoped, at least.

It could mean the opposite, really. Nick had been worried about that, since he’d never found a girl that looked like she could be his true soulmate. No one seemed to be suffering enough for that role; not that Nick knew what suffering would look like, if he could even see that.

He played with his pencil as he waited for his class to start. The new school year had only just started, but he was already exhausted. Both physically and emotionally, and it wasn’t just because of the many times he’d been out playing rugby with his friends or being stuck in one hotel room with his annoying brother. It was, mostly, because he’d woken up extra early that morning.

His stomach growled so badly and it felt like he was being eaten from the inside. He was hungry, even though he had eaten just as much of his dinner as he usually would. The hunger overwhelmed, even after he’d gotten up for a midnight snack. He blamed it on the nerves about starting a new school year, even though he’d never been truly haunted by the thought. It resulted in him not sleeping anymore ever since that moment, which caused him to feel like death now.

He looked up from his notebook when the door opened with a careful click. A younger guy stood in the doorway. He almost disappeared in the shadows of the room with his scrawny figure and all black clothes. But as soon as he stepped into the room, Nick could make out that his hair had remained uncombed that morning and he didn’t use anything to cover up the dark circles that rimmed his eyes.

His icy blue eyes. So cold when they met Nick’s. They sent shivers all throughout Nick’s body, freezing him so badly that he couldn’t even move. A deep-rooted fear spread through him, like this ghostly figure could disappear if he just did as much as look away. He couldn’t breathe and even his heart wasn’t allowed to beat; he couldn’t have this guy disappear.

Apparently, Nick’s new classmate didn’t feel the same way, because he did move. He dared to do so much, while Nick sat in his seat, frozen. In silence, the black haired guy averted his gaze to the floor and crossed the room. He was approaching Nick; why was he approaching Nick? Was the empty seat him actually destined for this guy? Why?

“Hi,” the guy’s voice was squeakier than his rough appearance had prepared Nick for. He seemed nervous. Not a little, but a lot, as his eyes glanced in Nick’s direction once again.

Nick tried to be careful not to meet them; he didn’t want to feel that feeling again; not the feeling of hunger, but the overwhelming dread that fell over him each time his eyes met the guy’s blue ones. A feeling of finding someone precious all of a sudden, yet the fear of losing him just as fast.

Yet, it rushed through his entire body at just the thought of those icy blue eyes.

What’s this feeling supposed to mean?

He had no answer to that question. All he knew in that moment, was that he didn’t want to lose him.

Not now.

Not ever.

***

“Can my soulmate be another boy when I like girls?” Never in his life has Nick expected this to become part of his Search history. Sure, there were things in there about how to find someone you’ve never met but you know you have a connection to, and he’d done enough research about his mom’s believes to find out that she wasn’t alone when it came to believing in soulmates. People had found theirs, shared stories about how they’d been connected through various factors for their entire life. But none of the stories mentioned intended scars appearing on one of the soulmates’ skin. And he’d, sure as Hell, never come across one that mentioned two people of the same sex; not when at least one of them had been straight his entire life.

This Search didn’t give him much knowledge either. He stared at the Search results with a blank expression on his face. He probably seemed calm on the outside, that’s how he always tried to look; the feeling of someone watching his each and every move hadn’t stopped since the day that he experienced the pain of those cuts appearing on his body. He had to look calm, otherwise people would know what was going on in his mind; a fight.

A fight between two very different things, caused by one thing. Or rather, one person; Charlie Spring.

They’d been hanging out for a while now and things seemed normal-ish. Just normal friends. That’s what Nick kept telling himself, despite the way his heart seemed to skip a beat when he was around Charlie. The way his guts felt freezing cold each time he thought about maybe losing Charlie one day, it made it hard to belief that they were just friends. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as the overwhelming sickness he felt when he thought about what his worries meant; he felt like he knew Charlie’s pain, the one that caused him to be online on Instagram all night and made him show up with uncombed hair and bags under his eyes each morning they had classes together. He knew the tormenting hunger that returned to him each time he saw how Charlie’s rips were poking out when they changed for rugby practice. Charlie never actually showed that pain, though, so there was no way Nick could be certain it was there. Unless-

Sure, Nick had always been an empath, but never had he felt this connected to someone. He knew Charlie’s pain without Charlie having to tell him about it; not because of the personality trait that his mother passed down to him, but because he knew Charlie’s pain. He felt it.

This could only mean one thing. One very, very, crazy thing that Nick wasn’t quite sure how to accept. If he actually knew what Charlie was feeling, because those scars were caused by Charlie’s own hands, that would make Charlie the soulmate Nick had been searching for all this time.

The mouse of his laptop made clicking sound as he closed the Search page. He watched it disappear into the corner of his screen, and he tried to make his strange thoughts disappear along with it.

Sure, Charlie appeared to be suffering, a lot, but he wasn’t his soulmate.

Nick rubbed in his eyes and sighed. There’s just no way.

***

Nick wasn’t raised religious.

That’s why he didn’t think of it as a sin when he actually enjoyed kissing Charlie Spring. There was no God to judge his decisions, and there was no way that someone could pray the gay away.

He couldn’t care less about the lips that touched his, because he was raised to trust in one idea; a natural phenomenon that links two people together at birth. A phenomenon that wasn’t racist, it didn’t exclude people due to their sexuality and it didn’t match people going from their gender.

He was raised to belief that this was what he was destined to do from the moment he was born into this world. So, instead of trusting the logic sense that told him to leave before he was outed to the entire party that was going on downstairs, he trusted his gut feeling. He trusted his beliefs to be right when deciding to match him with his soulmate. He trusted the pain he had felt over the course of the past month and accepted what he’d been pushing away since the first time he saw Charlie.

He turned back, a blank stare in Charlie’s direction.

Tears poured down Charlie’s cheeks, like a waterfall of pain that he’d been hiding away all this time.

Nick sat back down, even though he heard the people searching for him outside. In that moment he couldn’t care less about the people finding out about him and the thoughts that had been bugging him for quite a while. All he cared about is stopping this from hurting Charlie.

He shouldn’t have to go through any more pain than he already had.

Nick knew that this wouldn’t end Charlie’s pain, because he was well aware of everything Charlie had been feeling all this time. The endless torture that’s been tormenting both of their bodies for way too long. It’s been going on for too long; It’s time to at least allow it to simmer down, even just a little.

“I’ll stay with you,” Nick whispered, cradling Charlie’s collapsing body in his tight embrace.

“I never thought-“ Charlie lifted his head a tiny bit. Just enough so he could look at Nick with those blue eyes of his. They were badly bloodshot from sleeping too little and crying too much. “I didn’t think I had one- you know.”

Nick closed his eyes and nodded. “I’m here.”

“Took you long enough.” Charlie smiled weakly before sobs escaped from his mouth. It’s a lot; Nick might not have been able to feel the emotional pain Charlie was going through for a long time, or might’ve still been going through in that very moment, but he still knew how painful it must be.

Thinking your soulmate won’t ever be there.

That’s exactly why, even when the same pain was overwhelming Nick in a thousand different ways, Nick held Charlie close, like he would lose him if he even loosened his embrace a little. He just couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Charlie leave. Not now. Not ever.

Fore, Nick was Charlie’s soulmate, and Charlie was his.

The End