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It hurt. The way Yang had looked at her (or rather the way she had avoided looking at her) but Blake could not say she felt she deserved any different. She had brought this on herself. Her choices had led her here. Whether she had made the right or the wrong ones, she still could not be sure.
You ruin things, ruin people. It’s what you do, who you are. It’s why there’s no one left. He had always told her this. She had never wanted to believe him. Had believed him anyway. As she had believed so many things he had told her. Even now she was still struggling to disentangle the truth from the lies.
Judging from what she had done to Yang and Yang’s reaction to her now, this particular one seemed to be more truth than lie.
She never should have let Yang get close, not with her past still looming behind her, just waiting to strike. She never should have let herself get close. Never should have let her heart get involved.
But she had been selfish. Had wanted the warmth Yang carried in her bright smile, the joy that sparkled in her lilac eyes, the light she always shone with.
Now her smile was half-hearted, hiding her pain; her eyes lost their sparkle; her light had dimmed, nearly extinguished. And Blake was at fault – had cast her shadow and stolen away the warmth, the sparkle and the light.
And there was nothing she could do to reverse what she had done, to make it right. She would try, always try. She doubted it would be enough.
After all, all she did was ruin things. All she was, was a weapon.
“Are you all packed?”
Weiss’ voice from the door of the room at Haven Blake had stayed at these last few days startled her, broke her out of her thoughts.
It was probably for the best. Blake could get lost in her head for hours if no one got her out and there really was no use in dwelling on the past, on things she could not change. But she scolded herself for jumping at her friend’s voice, for being so on edge since she had faced Adam again.
Gathering herself slowly she turned to Weiss, who was watching her with an expression Blake could not quite place. She cleared her throat.
“I’m good to go. It’s not like I brought much anyway.”
Weiss nodded, but did not say anything, kept watching her with that peculiar look. Blake shifted on her feet.
“Ehm…” Blake began, not sure what to say, not sure if she should say anything at all, “Are we heading off soon then?”
She hated how stilted everything with her team felt now. They had been so in sync back at Beacon, before Blake had left, run, and their little family had scattered. Great, another thing she could add to the list of things she had ruined, another thing she had never deserved to have in the first place.
But then Weiss took a step towards her, her expression growing softer.
“We’re aiming to leave for the train station in twenty minutes.”, she paused, considered, “Are you doing okay?”
“I-“ Blake blinked at her, not having anticipated the sincere question. She wondered how much of herself she could bare, if she could bare anything. She had never been good at that. Her mind flitted back to a quiet night at Beacon, Yang’s lilac eyes open and kind as Blake had, for the first time in so many years, felt comfortable to open herself up, to show a piece of her jagged soul to someone.
She smiled at Weiss hesitantly, wanted to try, wanted to not shut her friends out again. “I’m… okay. I mean, I’m not great, but I think I’m going to be okay, we’re going to be okay. With some time. At least I hope so…” Weiss nodded, opened her mouth to say something. Blake panicked, backpedalled, “It’s just a lot to take in, you know. I mean Salem and Gods… it will take some time to wrap my head around that one.” She forced a laugh.
Weiss just looked at her for a moment, then took a step out of the room. “Right. That’s understandable. Well, meet us outside as soon as you’re ready.”
As Weiss turned to leave, Blake felt herself wince. She had been so close. Why could she still not do this. She really did ruin every relationship she could ever have.
But then Weiss turned back to her once more. “I think we’re going to be okay, too.” She hesitated for a moment before adding, “All of us.”
With that she headed down the corridor. Blake was glad for it. She could feel heat creeping up to her cheeks and she did not need for Weiss to see it. The world was ending and yet Blake’s mind seized every opportunity to focus on her partner.
Weiss probably had not even been talking about Yang specifically.
Or had she? Why would she have added that, and put such emphasis on it? All of us.
Blake shook the thought from her head before she got lost in it again and grabbed her bag to head downstairs to meet the others. She certainly should not make them wait for her, after all.
―
Yang was already there, when she made it to the front door and Blake’s eyes immediately zeroed in on her partner as she stopped at the bottom of the staircase.
Yang was leaning casually against the wall by the door, her eyes on her scroll, her bag next to her on the floor.
Blake stood, watching her. Wanting to go to her side, talk to her, laugh with her. Once upon a time it had been so easy – the most natural thing in the world. Now she did not even know how to start a conversation, afraid of Yang turning away from her at a single wrong word.
She felt her heart do a little flip, as Yang brushed a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. It was ridiculous how her feelings for her seemed to be even stronger after their separation. How Yang seemed to become more beautiful every day.
Yang looked up, directly at her, most likely having sensed Blake’s gaze on her.
Their eyes locked for a moment and Blake was lost, her head blissfully empty except for Yang.
But then Yang cleared her throat and averted her eyes, breaking the moment.
“You ready to go? We’re just waiting for Nora now, whatever she’s still up to.” Yang knelt to put her scroll away into her bag.
Blake startled at a loud sigh coming from her right and turned to see Ren standing up from a chair, “I’ll go see what she’s doing and drag her here if necessary.”
Looking around Blake realized that the room was, in fact, full of people – everyone who would be travelling with her today except for Nora – not just her and Yang. Her brain really did not seem to be able to focus on anything else these days and it was not helping. She could already feel heat creep onto her cheeks again. There was no way the others had not noticed her fixation on Yang just then.
Of course, despite her best efforts, her eyes were unwittingly drawn to Yang once again, like her magnetic field was simply too strong for Blake to resist for longer than a few seconds. And Yang…
Was looking at her. Expectantly.
There had been a question.
“Um. I- yeah“, Blake got out, still struggling to regain her grip on reality, returning to the room full of people from a world where only she and Yang existed. Her face was burning. She took a breath. “Yes, I’m ready to go. Sorry. For keeping you all waiting.”
Yang frowned slightly, but was still looking at her and Blake could not look away.
But then Yang shook her head, turned away and knelt down again to rummage through her bag.
“No worries. Like I said, we’re still waiting for Nora anyway.”, she mumbled with her back to Blake.
“Right. You said that.”
It took all of her willpower not to turn and flee the room. She could feel everybody’s eyes on her, flitting between her and Yang. They had all definitely noticed.
But did Yang? She had not exactly been paying attention to Blake these last few days. But Blake had also not exactly been able to compose herself, which was not like her at all.
Blake knew she had to do better, had to bury those thoughts and feelings deep, deep down and act normal, if she wanted to have any chance of saving her friendship with Yang.
And she wanted that chance. Badly. She would do anything to have her partner back in her life.
So she took a deep breath, pushed her feelings down, schooled her features and –
Realized she was still just standing at the bottom of the stairs.
She should definitely move.
She let her gaze drift over the room and it landed on Weiss, who was giving her a soft, sympathetic look – not helping. She moved on to Qrow, who was giving her a smirk and a raised eyebrow – also not helping.
She finally landed on Ruby, the only one seemingly oblivious to the thick awkwardness that had filled the room. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, tinkering with Crescent Rose in her lap, her tongue sticking out.
So Blake moved to stand next to her team leader and let her bag drop to the floor.
The sound drew Ruby’s attention and she looked up at Blake and smiled.
“At last, Team RWBY is complete.”, she said, her smile growing into a wide grin. “Did you say goodbye to your parents already?”
At the mention of her parents a smile crept onto Blake’s face despite her inner turmoil. “Yeah, they already left for Menagerie last night, actually.”
Ruby nodded. “That makes sense. They probably have a bunch of important stuff to take care of back there. They did seem like very important people. But I’m glad we got to meet them.”
“Me too.”
“Soo, are you excited about travelling to Atlas? I mean, sure, it’s gonna be super serious business and everything, but we can probably still do some sightseeing. At some point. You know, once we’ve made sure the lamp is safe and figured out our next move. I’m really looking forward to seeing Atlas Academy as well…”
As Ruby went on about places she wanted to visit and things she wanted to do in Atlas, Blake finally started to relax. Although she was definitely not looking forward to Atlas, listening to Ruby ramble was probably the most normal she had felt in a long time. Maybe she could do this. Maybe acting normal was not that hard, after all.
As normal as possible anyway.
Again and again Blake’s gaze wandered to Yang, but she never looked up, never took her eyes off of her bag. Whatever she was looking for in there, must have been really hard to find.
―
I am glad we’re all together.
There she had stood and eased the tension and the awkwardness Blake had caused with the sincerity in her smile and the kindness in her eyes.
Blake had known the moment she took Yang’s bag from her that it had been the wrong move, the wrong words, the wrong moment. But she simply did not know the right move, could not figure out the right words, find the right moment.
How could she show Yang that she was here? And here to stay, to be by Yang’s side and stand by her team once again. For good this time.
How could she tell her that she was sorry? So very sorry. For everything Yang lost because of her, for putting her in danger. For not being able to stay by her side.
So she did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, again and again.
And then there was Yang. With her smile that said that there was hope, that they would be okay. With her shining eyes that looked at Blake, as though they could see right inside of her, see her soul.
There was that warmth, that light Blake had missed so dearly, even if it only lasted for a moment. Even if everything (of course) had to go wrong the moment Blake felt hope bubble up inside her.
But she had seen it, had felt it. It was not lost, not extinguished, not hopeless.
For the first time since seeing Yang again in the middle of the battle at Haven Blake believed that they might actually be okay. She had been hoping, of course, but not quite letting herself believe it could be.
And despite their plans falling apart only shortly after they started making their way to Argus, Blake could not help but be thrilled about their fight. She had relished the chance to fight with her team again, to fight side by side with Yang.
She had been worried they might not be able to fight together like they used to. That their time apart meant they were completely out of sync, had lost their rhythm. For a moment, when Blake threw Gambol Shroud to Yang, she felt an overwhelming fear claw up to her neck that had nothing to do with the giant Grimm in front of her. For just a moment she feared Yang was not going to catch it, that they had lost what made them partners, great partners.
But once again, Yang was there, did not miss, dispelled the tension Blake had created and replaced it with a profound sense of hope that Blake could not, would not stop from blossoming inside her chest.
If their fighting was still in sync, if they could fall right back into their old rhythm, maybe everything could fall back into sync as well.
That sense of hope stayed with her, even as the train crashed, even as they were stranded in the cold.
Even as she supressed the instinct to immediately run to Yang, to make sure she was okay. She was starting to figure out the wrong moves, when she would be pushing too far. So she settled for looking over at her, checking with her eyes, not saying the wrong thing.
Even after Jinn and her vision, Blake could still feel hope as glimmering embers as she trudged through the snow, her eyes studying Yang, walking only a few feet in front of her.
She was pushing Bumblebee and on it, the strange old lady that was now apparently travelling with them and giving Yang sass.
Blake’s eyes softened at Yang’s irritation, frustration that probably had more to do with Ozpin and all the things he had been hiding from them, than Maria’s backtalk.
Her fingers twitched to reach out, to hold her hand, touch her shoulder, her back, something to help ease her frustration. But that would be too far. Right? She did not know. Did not want to ruin the progress they had made, but also did not want to stop making progress.
So she took a few long steps to catch up with her partner, to walk beside her.
Sensing her presence, Yang looked over at her, a faint frown on her face that eased as she spotted Blake’s soft look.
Blake did not say anything, did not reach over to her, only moved slightly closer, their swinging arms nearly brushing but not quite, and smiled at her. Tried to put everything into that smile, all the ‘Sorry’s, all the ‘I’m here’s and ‘I’m staying’s, all that she could not find the words to say.
And Yang smiled back, like she heard, like she understood.
Maybe, with everything that was going, everything that happened and what they found out about Salem, about what they are up against, they did not have to be ruined.
Maybe hope was not lost if they could find their way back to each other in all this.
Maybe they could get through it together.
Maybe this time, Blake could be a fixer.
Maybe she was more than just a weapon.