Work Text:
Ash never knew love. Those three words — “I love you” — had been spoken to him a few times throughout his life, but they were lies. Words of filth. Words spoken through the lips of the men forcing him to his knees, laughing, holding him down by the shoulders and getting off as he shut down. They were words spoken by Dino himself, and any words spoken to Ash by Dino made Ash want to curl up into a ball and die.
The first one to say “I love you,” and maybe, actually, mean it, had been Shorter. It had been spoken casually, but Shorter’s tone had been… tender. Ash remembered that night well. It was another night that Shorter and his sister offered him a place of refuge… and neither of them mocked him when he cried.
Ash hadn’t said anything back, but that was all right — Shorter didn’t need him to. He hadn’t said anything back, but he hadn’t run, either, and that was the only acceptance Shorter needed. Ash still remembered the warmth of Shorter’s hand on his back, and he hadn’t flinched away.
But, he never expected to be really, truly, romantically loved. He was unworthy and incapable. He was so fucked up that nobody could ever, ever fall in love with him. And, he accepted that.
Ash never knew love. He didn’t deserve it.
Until Eiji.
Eiji, the photographer’s assistant with a heart of gold and a mouth that soothed as much as it could sass. Who never deserved to be tangled up in Ash’s hell… but stayed despite it all, despite the fact that Ash was… soiled. Damaged goods.
Who takes Ash’s face in his hands as they lie next to each other in bed and kisses him, long and slow and loving, before also kissing his cheeks, his chin, his nose, his forehead, his eyelids. Who sprinkles soft, sweet kisses over Ash’s face like rain.
He presses another long kiss to Ash’s lips before pulling apart, soft and the gentlest touch Ash has ever known, and whispers, “You make it so easy to love you.”
This is not the first time that Eiji has whispered him love, but, still, Ash’s breath hitches in his throat.
“How?” he gasps.
The first time Eiji confessed him love, Ash had tried to run. So, they were making progress. Baby steps.
Eiji smiles, and he quotes some Shakespearian poem Ash had shown him. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”
Ash blushes red to the roots of his hair. “No, wait. Stop.”
Eiji chuckles. “That is one of the poems your brother loved.”
“I can’t believe you’re using Griff’s corny poetry against me.”
“Technically, it is Shakespeare.”
Ash scowls. “You know what I mean.”
Eiji laughs, and his laughter is light and airy, like wind chimes. Ash’s heart swells in his chest. He reaches out, caresses his hand lightly against Eiji’s cheek. Eiji leans into his touch.
“I love you,” Eiji whispers again, just as vehement as before. “Nothing will ever change that.”
Ash chuckles, cupping Eiji’s cheek in his hand. “You’re a fool.”
Eiji’s brow furrows and the corners of his lips turn down. “Not nice.”
“How much?” Ash whispers.
“How much, what?”
“How much do you love me?”
The corners of his lips turn up again and Eiji smiles. “I thought you did not want me to say?”
“I don’t… want you recite corny love poems at me. But, I’d… I’d like to know,” Ash has never been so soft-spoken. His face is tinged pink and his heart thunders in his chest, scared enough that he might throw up if he were standing. “In your own words. Please. If… if you don’t mind.”
Eiji takes his hand, which rests on the pillow between them, and interlaces their fingers. “Are you frightened?”
“A little,” Ash mumbles.
Eiji squeezes his hand. “Then I will put this in words that you understand. I hope they will not scare you.”
Ash waits, holding his breath.
Reaching up, Eiji’s touch is feather-light as he brushes Ash’s blond bangs from his face. “I love you even more than you love your Nirvana band.”
Both their gazes drop down to the black Nirvana t-shirt Ash is wearing. His eyes widen and he looks back up at Eiji.
“That’s a lot,” he whispers.
“I know,” Eiji whispers back.
“Kurt Cobain’s a fucking legend,” Ash mutters.
Chuckling, Eiji says, “I think you are pretty legendary, too, Ash-u.”
A beat of silence.
Then, Ash groans. Loudly.
“Oh, come on!” he whines, sitting up. His blond hair is wild and sticks out all over the place.
“What?!” Eiji demands. He, too, sits up.
“That was bad, Eiji. Worse than that corny poem.”
“You have called poetry corny three times,” Eiji laughs.
“Because it is!”
“Shakespeare was one of greatest writers in the world.”
“Overrated,” Ash deadpans. Eiji laughs harder.
“I love you,” he breathes out in between peals of laughter.
Suddenly, Ash quiets. Eiji quiets, too, and he smiles sadly.
“Someday it will not hurt so bad,” Eiji says, “Hearing that I love you.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I know you, Ash-u. You have survived so much… being told you are worthy of love will not kill you, either. I promise.”
“I’m sorry,” Ash mumbles.
“Sorry for what?”
“That I haven’t… that I can’t say it back, yet. You deserve love, Eiji. I’m sorry. You’re so much more worthy of love than… than I am. Than I’ll ever be.”
Eiji smiles. He reaches out and gently pulls Ash closer, all but pulling him into his lap, and they sit face-to-face. Combing his fingers through Ash’s hair, he peers into wide green eyes, and gently presses his lips to Ash’s forehead.
“Ash-u,” he mumbles against Ash’s skin, “You are worthy, too.”