Chapter Text
07:00
06:59
06:58
06:57
06:56
Kimi takes a deep breath, filling her lungs with air, as her eyes glues themselves to the timer. Counting down, one second at the time. 06:25, 06:24, 06:23. Her hands feel shaky, as she uses her strength to hold herself up, against the sink. Begging for the dizziness to subside, before she moves again. Begging, for this to not be real. “It can’t be real”.
The apartment feels weirdly full, with Nishiki by her side at night. Kimi isn’t a Ghoul, but she’s learnt to recognize the faint sent of blood, and metal, that seems to indicate Nishiki presence. She recognizes his voice when he talks on the phone at the night. Knows every inch of skin, that covers his body. Every scar, and injury, that never healed right. How his breath, always stinks like coffee. Black, bitter coffee, that Kimi has never liked, but always kept around hoping for Nishiki to return.
She’s dreamt about the moment, many, many times. How one day, he’d show up in the door, his eyes glowing red in the darkness. She’d lean against her elbows, smiles at him softly, and wave him closer. Pull the covers over both of them. Share their heat.
Of course, that isn’t how things actually go. 04:47, 04:46, 04:45, 04:44.
Instead, he shows up at Kamii. A cake under the arm, from Kimi’s favorite bakery, a thermo of the good Coffee from Re, and a mission for her.
How the cake eating, and mission… ends up with Nishiki moving back in, Kimi hasn’t figured out. In all reality, she tries not to think about it. Because she’s working with the CCG now, and thinking about the mission, and the Ghoul part of her boyfriend (even if Dr. Shiba knows about that), makes her fear they’ll take him away. Or worse, kill him. And kill her. Kill :Re.
Kimi swallows a stone in her throat, hard. Closes her eyes. Forcing herself, not to count the seconds. Forgets about the timer, that might ruin her life.
“It’s just stress” she whispers under her breath, trying to reassure herself. “I’ve been stressed lately, that why it’s late. This isn’t real”. But the fatigue showing under her eyes, in large, black bags, and the worried glances that Nishiki sends her, and the nausea in the morning that hits when the smell of Nishiki’s - surprisingly good - cooking hits her nose, says more than her words. The test is just there to confirm, what Kimi already knows. There, because Nishiki is a Ghoul, and Kimi is a human, and if… if this is real… then she needs Dr. Shiba, and the CCG’s help.
Human’s and Ghoul’s are more alike, than most people know. Kimi has studied them long enough, to know, that anything is possible. Ken Kaneki is living proof, of just how similar the two are. That, does not mean, having a kid is an option.
Kimi would be lying if she said, the thought hadn’t ever crossed her mind. As a kid, dreams of getting child, and a family. Of living together in a small house, with a garden, and a play set. Close to the perfect school, and close to other people with kids around the same age. Kimi remembers picking out names, back when her family has still been alive. Back, with her old boyfriend.
The thought hasn’t crossed her mind since she meet Nishiki.
Humans and Ghoul’s don’t mix. That’s a rule of thumb, that Kimi knows, and that Nishiki isn’t scared to remind her off. They’ve tried and failed. Tried and failed, until now, apparently.
It’s a stark reminder of how ill the Ghoul’s at Re had been, and how First Class Haise Sasaki had been affected by the strange illness. Nishiki’s RC cell levels are still low, barely rising at all. It’s a suspected side effect of the illness, that Kimi has named ‘Calamity’. Definition: An event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster. Though ‘Tragedy’ after Kaneki had been a decent name idea too.
“Kimi?” Nishiki’s voice makes it through the door, as he knocks carefully, “Are you okay in there?”.
Kimi takes a deep breath, steadying herself at the sink once more, keeps her voice as steady as she can. “I’m fine” she replies. Her voice low. Calamity doesn’t take Ghoul abilities away. Looking at Nishiki’s blood, he’s still a Ghoul. Or… half human?
“Are you sure?” she can picture Nishiki rubbing the back of his neck, covered in flower as he stands in the hallway. Waiting in front of the bathroom door. “You’ve been in there for quiet a while now… I-“.
“I’m fine” Kimi says. This time more power seeps into her voice, and her eyes snaps open.
00:04, 00:03, 00:02, 00:01, 00:00. The alarm blares into her ears, and she tumbles for her phone. Swiping her fingers over her screen, making the speaker shut up. Nishiki’s leaves, doesn’t push on the issue, his feet padding against the wooden floorboards of the apartment.
A short glance in the mirror, leaves Kimi tightening her messy morning hair into a bun. The hoodie - probably Nishiki’s - that’s discarded on the floor, she pulls over her shoulders. She plasters a soft smile across her lips, before she turns to the shelf, where she’s left the test, waiting. Hands halfway covered by the long sleeves, she reaches out for the pink plastic brick, and pulls it into her hands.
She places it against the count. “This isn’t real” she whispers, once more, aware, that she’s lying to herself. That she’s unwilling to accept the reality.
The test has to be negative. Logically, she knows, that answer won’t matter. She isn’t a Ghoul. She could never do something, as unthinkable, as eat human flesh. The only ankle bitter in her life, is, and will always be, Nishiki. And Nishiki is more than enough. And if, IF the test was positive… she’d give birth to a corps. To a small piece, that wouldn’t ever be life. To a small piece, that wouldn’t ever function. Because Human’s and Ghoul’s don’t mix, no matter how similar they are.
She looks at the test, all the same.
Her gut twists, as her eyes check the control. A bright, pink mark, under ‘C’. The test works. It’s not defective. It’s real. It’s true. With that, there’s no more pushing it. No more excuses, to keep her from the truth.
“Shit”. Her eyes lands on the second mark. Just as bright as the first one. Positive.
For a long, long moment, Kim stands there dumbfounded. Her mouth hangs open, catching flies - rich in protein, that this child would soon need - and… and… for maybe a minute, she’s just there. In the bathroom, staring out into the thin air. She has secured a job, at the CCG, she’s still studying part time at Kamii when she isn’t working with the medical side of the Quinx squad (helping Haise back onto his feet). Is she ready to have a kid? Is it even a possibility, with how her life seems to play itself? And… most important, what will she do if Nishiki disappeared again?
Calamity’s effects long term isn’t known. One day, he’ll wake up, unable to put milk and sugar in his coffee. And what then? Is that the end? Would her baby boy, or baby girl, have to grow up without a father?
Meeting her brown eyes in the mirror, she finds tears rolling down against her cheeks. But her eyes are also filled with braveness. Determination. This is the look; she gave herself before walking into the CCG for the first time. Well aware, that it could be the death of her. Now, the passion, and power, isn’t as scary. It’s a kid. Getting a kid, even at Kimi’s age, isn’t uncommon. She can do it.
She pushes the bathroom door open, and pads towards the kitchen. The sent of pancakes is filling her apartment. He smiles at Nishiki, as she makes her way into the kitchen.
His arms pull her close, and Kimi leans into his side. Soft kisses it places against her messy, morning hair. She needs to shower before she leaves for Kamii. Get the Greece out of her hair before she’s leaving the safety of her apartment. But she’d worked a late shift the night before, coming home in the late night.
“Nishiki?”.
He stiffens, hovers over her. “Kimi?”. His voice is filled with worry.
“Do you ever think about having kids?”, Kimi looks up. Their eyes meet, and Nishiki looks confused, so Kimi goes deeper. “If you could have a kid, despite everything, would you, do it?”.
“Kimi…” Nishiki starts slowly, clearly trying to let her down slowly. He loves her, and she loves him. She places a soft kiss against his collar bone, exposed at the edge of his shirt, that’s clearly too big. His hands tighten around her upper arm. “Ghoul’s and humans-“.
She drops the test on the kitchen counter. “I’ve only been with you” she states. No room for argument.
Nishiki mirrors Kimi’s face for a long moment. Mouth opening, and closing, like a guppy pulled out of the water. Gasping for air, that it can’t get. Kimi pulls out of his soft grasp, pours two cups of coffee, and slowly puts milk in both cups, and then sugar in Nishiki’s too.
One cup - a blue one, with clouds on the side - she pushes into her boyfriends’ hands. The other one, she slowly sips off herself, making a face in disgust at the taste. But she takes another sip all the same, because damn, if she needs the energy boost right now. The coffee in Nishiki’s cup almost pours over the sides, as he picks the test up.
“It’s-“.
“Impossible?” Kimi nods, “Calamity could have weird side effects like this. There’s no telling, if the kid would make it. If it’d be Ghoul, or human, or something in-between. But…” Kimi sighs, “Nishiki, I need to know, if you’re with me in this. Do we have a kid, or do I… do I throw you out, and get an abortion?”.
Nishiki looks shocked for a long moment, then nods, and places a kiss against her forehead. Then he takes a deep sip of the coffee, a smile flickering over his lips. “I love you”.
For now, that’s good enough for Kimi.
***
The scream escapes his lips, flowing through his vocal cords. Despite years, of never-ending nightmares, Haise - Kaneki? - has yet to learn the magical ability that all book characters seem to have, of holding the sound back. Instead, he startles himself awake. Darkness overflowing his senses. For a long moment, his heart races, his lungs grasp for air, and his brain tries to catch up. Where is he? Who is he? What is he?
And then, slowly his eyes adjust to the darkness, and his room becomes clear in front of his eyes. His room at the Chateau. His room, in the house, that he knew better than his own back pocket, because this had been his home for two years. Urie and Mutsuki sleeps downstairs, Shirazu’s room is right from his own, and Saiko’s to the left, on the first floor. The training area is here somewhere, and the kitchen and living room is downstairs, like they’ve always been. He knows this place. It’s scent, and it’s feeling. The texture of the wooden floors, under his feet. The smell of burned food, from Saiko’s failed experiments. Urie’s never ending sarcastic comments echoes from wall to wall and fills the house with whispers in the night.
He knows this place.
Every book that rests in his bookshelf, is books he’s chosen. His read them, and connected with these characters, and shared that passion with other investigations at the CCG. He’s spent hours working at this desk. In a draw his single white wing badge - his price for taking down an S rated Ghoul - is hidden away. And the mask, the mask from Uta, send to him with the book still rest against the dark wood. A reminder.
He knows this place.
Haise Sasaki, knows this place.
Truth be told, the name still feels strange as he thinks it to himself. Haise Sasaki, investigator for the CCG, mentor of the Quinx squad. The squad, that sleeps under the same roof as him. People, that he knows and understand, more than he understand Haise Sasaki, and more than he understands Ken Kaneki.
He’d thought… he’d… he’d thought, well he isn’t sure what he’d thought. That he’d, wake up from that dream, and what? Be Kaneki again? Become the Ghoul that he used to be, and give up what he’d once been? What he’d become? Leave Hide, and Akira, and Arima behind? Forget about everything they had done, bad, but also good? Given him a home, a place of safety, and comfort?
“We’ll do it right this time… We’ll wake up, cry and little. That’s it. Together, Haise”.
No.
He’d woken up, confused, and all over the place. Panicking inside. Two names, two lives, two people, bouncing around inside his mess of a brain. Unsure what to call himself, how to present himself, which life to go through with. To continue. Which story would get the perfect ending? And which story would be discarded, hidden away, forgotten?
“Welcome home, Kaneki Ken”.
For now, the choice is made for him. The mask of Haise Sasaki slips over his features, as he pulls in a deep, deep breath. The recovery from the illness, is a long, and hard road. It’s been six weeks since he woke up. It’s been a week since he returned home to the Chateau. His body is still weak, he’s healing. His RC cell levels are lower than ever before, more human than even the Quinx. His muscles are faded, and his bones are pocking out through his paper-thin skin, because his weight drops faster than he can gain is back. He’s still sick. Dizziness hits him when he gets up. Nausea still makes itself known, at the very thought of food (flesh). There’s an IV in the croak of his arm, and a gastric feeding tube comes out of the skin of his stomach, hidden under baggy t-shirts and loss jeans.
Arima and Akira takes shift, staying at the Chateau. The couch has been folded out, and stuffed with blankets and pillows, but they don’t sleep. They listen, and watch, waiting for their sign. Waiting for the next alarm to go off, that tells them something isn’t right. That tells them, Haise Sasaki needs their help.
Ken Kaneki remembers the pain of Arima’s Quinque as it priced through his skull. Haise Sasaki remembers the soft embrace from the very same man, the name he’d been given, and the books they’d share together.
Opposites.
Soft knocks echoes from the door.
He doesn’t bother keeping his voice steady as he speaks, (voice still weak, and small), “Come in”.
The door slides open, lights seeping in from the hallway. The silhouette is dark, fumbling for the contact near the door, drowning the room in blinding lights. Rays of warmth, coming from the ceiling. Arima’s eyes are filled with worry, as they search the room, before they settle on him.
He pulls into himself. Hunches over. His white and black hair must be standing out in every direction. Dark bags hanging under his eyes, tired and mattered… a glassy look across his face. Weak. He looks weak when he looks at himself in the mirror. He’s sure that’s what Arima sees too.
Haise plasters a wry smile onto his lips, his alarm clocks blinks at him with red numbers letting him know it’s already 06:23. Arima isn’t in his full gear yet, but his baggy pajamas have been replaced with a black t-shirt that contrast his white hair. His glasses hang on the edge of his nose, yet to be cleaned. “Is everything okay?”.
Right to the point.
It’s a statement to how bad Haise must be looking. Fragile.
“I’m fine” Haise nods, “Just a nightmare”. One of the nightmares, he’d thought was gone now. Haise and Kaneki, staring at each other. The ghoul’s white hair hangs over his eyes. The black hair of his past self-frames his gray eyes softly. His own, black- and white-haired combination almost glows, against the white and black floor, that seems to never end. The wooden chairs are uncomfortable and brings memories that Haise had once forgotten. Now the details, the pain, seems to be worse than ever before. Blood pools around them.
They never speak. They just watch. Studies him. If Haise moves his hand up, so does Kaneki. If Kaneki nods, so does Haise.
“Together, Haise”.
“Did you know… Rabbits dies of loneliness”.
“Turn around Haise. Look at me… Don’t turn your back on a friend. You know that you Need me. Do it… Accept me as a part of you”.
Arima nods, sighs. His shoulders slump, and he sits down slowly - giving Haise time to get away - at the edge of the bed. “Things has been hard, lately? Haven’t they?”.
He wants to snort. To laugh and gives Arima a stern look. Who are they trying to protect? He’ll slip up, sooner or later, and Arima will have to fulfill his purpose. Finish what he started. The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born, must first destroy a world. “Arima…” he lets Kaneki seep into his voice, his softspoken person, “You once said, I’m not a bad person. That bad things happened to me”.
“I remember” Arima says, eyes darting around the room slowly, before landing on him. A stray tear makes it down his cheek.
“Did you mean that?”.
For a long moment, his mentor - his father - looks taken aback by the question. Stiffens on the edge of the bed, then nods so softly. “I did. I still do. What happened to you, wasn’t your fault”.
If he’s talking to Haise, or to Kaneki, seems unclear. Maybe he’s talking to both, at the same time. Using the same words, for both of them. Maybe he knows that his brain feels muddy. Cloudy. Like it’s been crushed under a truck, broken apart, two different people fighting to find their way.
His fingers grasp around the blanket, tightens. His knuckles goes white, under the pressure. A pale, snowy, white.
“What…” he hesitates, “What would happen to me if I remembered?”.
“What if he remembers?”.
“We’ll deal with it if it happens”.
Arima shrugs, lets his lip’s part. His white teeth glitter. “We’ll deal with that when you’re ready. There are options. Paths for you to choose from. You’d… you would need to pick a name, of course. Haise… Kaneki… something different, maybe. It’s your choice”.
“Do you think, I could be both?” his voice feels shaky. The sounds make it past his lips, with a hollow feeling to them. Kaneki never had a family, or the safety that Haise got. But Haise… Haise is a hollow shell, of who Kaneki once where. Yet, a part of them, as the same. Not just in flesh, and blood, and bones - even if those are the same too - no… mentally, some part of them, as the same. Memoires of each other, even when they hadn’t remembered. Sadness, and happiness.
Arima bits his lip as he nods, hair falling over his glasses. Hides his eyes. “I’m sure you can, Haise”.
“You’ll need a name”.
“A name…?”.
“Being appointed as an investigator is a part of your rehabilitation. You can’t be prisoner 240 forever. What do you want to be?”.
“Aren’t name… suppose to be given to you?”.
“… I told the brass I’d let you decide”.
“But I… Just…”,
“… Choose two Kanji you like”.
“The character for coffee, and world”.
妃世
“How about Haise…?”.
“Haise… Yeah, I like that. I like It a lot. Thank you, investigator Arima”.
***
Dr. Shiba’s blue lattices covered hands, runs against Haise’s stomach. His fingers push around the port’s exist point, runs under the plastic, while they wait for the numbers to come in. “The tube still seems to be in decent condition” the doctor informs him, rolling backwards on his chair. His focus returning to the computer screen. “Though, I’ll recommend getting it removed, as soon as your back to eating solid food. Have you been trying, like we agreed last week?”.
“I’ve been trying” Haise confirms with a deep sigh, running his fingers through the front lucks of hairs that keeps falling into his eyes, “I just… I don’t really have an appetite”.
“Sasaki…” Dr. Shiba’s hands hovers over his thigh for a long moment before he gives a comforting pad. “Calamity is a very dangerous illness, lacking appetite after being ill, and for as long as you have. It’s not unexpected. But it’s dangerous. You’ve dropped 12 kilos, you’re underweight. And your RC cell levels… they aren’t going up”.
Haise’s head snaps up, meeting Shiba’s eyes over the edge of the doctors’ metallic glasses. “Not at all?”.
“At all. Dr. Nishino has a similar case with one of her test subjects. Though, his case has been… different than yours” the doctor informs him, looking over the numbers once more. “Tell me, Sasaki, anything specific that keeps you from eating?”.
He shivers at the thought of why Dr. Shiba asks. Back when he was prisoner 240, back before his memories returned, before Arima came with the books, before he became Haise Sasaki… he’d refused to eat.
Stuck in the small prison cell, unable to see anything, but feel and hear everything, he’d been caught up in his own mind. Never ending nightmares, and pictures, flashing before his none seeing eyes. Never healing. Never recovering. He’d scratched his eyes till they bleed. He’s screamed and cried and begged to be let out. He’d fought against everyone, and everything. It hadn’t been until Arima’s first visit in the cell, all that had changed.
Then the book had thudded against the metal floor, by Arima’s feet. Footsteps had echoed, as the white reaper left.
Haise remember almost nothing, from the first weeks in the cell. Kaneki remembers even less. Even now, he’s unsure why he’d refused to eat. Unable to understand, what might have gone through his mind back then. Only the nightmares stand out in clear detail.
“Nothing in particular… I mean…” he hesitates, afraid of how Shiba might look at him. “It’s not like it taste bad. But every time I eat, I get nausea and vomits. It’s just, bland against my tough, leaving a salt taste in the back of my mouth… yet I feel so hungry. My stomach growls, and cramps”.
Shiba’s finger types quickly across the keyboard. Black letter appears on the screen. “And coffee?”.
“I haven’t had any. Kimi, uh, Dr. Nishino said it can cause lack of appetite. Which… is the opposite of what we want” Haise state truthfully. It feels weird having Kimi AND Hide back in his life. It’s still hard for him, to rap his head around it. Hide had been hiding right there, in plain sight, working for division II. He’d known that Kaneki was right there in the building, even if it had been under the name Haise. And Kimi… Kimi who last he heard, had finally found her way back to Nishiki. Or maybe Nishiki had found his way back to her.
Could he be the special cause Dr. Shiba was talking about? Had Hinami, Yomo, and Touka been sick too? Infected with the fatal illness?
“Have you been able to activate your kakugan and kagune?” The doctor goes on, messy writing taking note across the paper as he gives each answer. Switching between the paper, and the computer faster than humanly possible.
Haise rubs the back of his neck. “I haven’t tried”, he hasn’t even thought about trying. He feels weak, sure. But he also feels… disconnected from his body at moments. Disconnected from his ghoul abilities, and organs. He hasn’t felt human since everything that happened with Rize. Being a monster, a nightmare to people, had become a standard. Now… now… now he doesn’t feel Ghoulish, or human. He’s not Haise, and not Kaneki. He’s not a peacekeeper, hiding in the shadows, and he’s not an investigator running around the city killing his own species.
With that, Dr. Shiba discarded his papers and twist around in his chair. His eyes are stern as they meet Haise’s grey, discolored iris. His whole posture is serious, like… like… Haise bits his lip hard, feeling a few drops of liquid entering his mouth, leaving behind a metallic taste on his tough.
“Before you got sick, your RC cells levels where above 2700” Shiba states, “Now, they’re barely 350. A ghoul is above 1000, a Quinx is above 500. You, Haise, doesn’t match either of those categories anymore”.
His heart skips a beat, he holds his breath. Is… does that mean? “Are… does that mean I’m human?”.
“We don’t know a lot about the illness” Shiba reminds with a light shrug. A soft smile falls across his lips. “I’ve always wondered how it must have been for you, unable to eat human food. But it’s all you’ve ever known, so maybe, it hasn’t been so bad”. If only he knew. If only he knew what Kaneki had been through, in the apartment desperate to find something, anything that didn’t make his stomach twist uncomfortably. Not even his favorite hamburger, that Hide bought just for him, had been able to stay down. Tasting salty, as tears had flowed down his cheeks.
Haise doesn’t know the taste of human food, but Haise isn’t alone anymore. They’re one. “So…?”.
“I think, thanks to your original human biology, that you might once more be human” Shiba says, “Of course, it’s gonna depend on your kagune usage, and choice in food. But theoretically, you could stay like this. Try to eat with the Quinx. Put milk in your coffee. Give your body a chance to adjust, then return here next week. I’m curious in the result”.
For a long moment he’s sure his ears are deceiving him. It can’t be true. That isn’t possible.
Even Quinx’s like Mutsuki that barely uses their abilities, has RC cell levels over 500. Kaneki is a Ghoul, his RC cell levels hard risen so quickly after his body has been implanted with Rize’s organs. Yet, here he is. Doing the impossible.
“You’re saying…” Haise sucks in a deep breath, excitement filling his body. Pumping through his veins. “I’ll be able to eat human food?”.
Shiba shrugs. “Try. The sciences say yes”.