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Barty Crouch Jr. was a relatively simple person. At least, he liked to think so. Bar his childhood trauma and the fact that his father was rarely there for him and the fact that his mother wasn’t able to do anything that his father didn’t approve of and the fact that he was practically raised by a house elf, he was a normal kid. Wizard. Same thing. Or at least, he’d like to think that he was normal. He grew up proper and dignified, he learned how to sit through dinners and stay quiet and attentive, he did relatively well in his classes, he had good, proper Slytherin friends, and he brought no unnecessary attention to himself. Completely normal.
But then he saw fucking Regulus Black, and nope, everything turned upside down. He didn’t like him at first; Regulus was too stuck up for his liking. All about blood purity and cold stares and even colder words and following the Dark Lord when he’s old enough. Barty dismissed him as one of many other Slytherins who thought practically the same. But then, he realized something. He did the same thing, after all.
What he realized was that a lot of pure-blood students, especially in the house of Slytherin, were incredibly good at facades. He only saw through Regulus when they became proper friends in third year. It was an accident, but Barty wouldn’t have it any other way. They ended up talking during Transfiguration and that led to a tentative friendship, which led to real friendship. And Regulus was a decent guy beneath all those carefully constructed layers of pure-blood angst. He was snarky as hell, a good listener, used a lot of dry humor, and loved literature, both muggle and wizarding. Overall, a solid friend.
He heard somewhere that you’re not supposed to fall for your friends, though. That kind of fucks up the friendship part of it. It becomes less platonic, more like “please notice me I really like you and want to date you” on his side of things. Definitely something he would not recommend. But it happened, and Barty realized how Regulus’s eyes were so fucking grey , or how he smirked more than he smiled, or how he always made sure his quills were properly aligned on his desk before an assessment, or—or—
Because of Regulus, Barty spent so many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, hoping for his goddamn crush to fade. It already wasn’t natural to like guys (his father would flip and Barty shuddered, even just thinking about it). Why couldn’t he focus on a pretty girl like—like Christine, a fellow Slytherin who was also very pretty and nice to talk to? Every time he tried to think of her, the thoughts slipped through his fingers; he was never able to form them. It was like chasing thin air. Instead, inky dark hair and a deadpan, asshole voice appeared in his mind. Barty just tried to suffocate himself with his pillow at that point. Honestly, at that moment, it seemed the better option anyway.
All of a sudden, though, Regulus ended up hanging out with the Gryffindors more. It wasn’t obvious, really. Regulus was really, really good at covering up his tracks. Both he and Barty knew that if he was caught, it would be all over for him. Barty only knew because Regulus needed someone to cover for him. And being a good friend (ugh), Barty did. He could have easily told, a voice at the back of his mind whispered, because he didn’t owe Regulus anything. In fact, Regulus owed him for the stupid crush Barty had. Barty shut down that voice real fast.
But he couldn’t help but like Regulus so much. God, what did he ever do to deserve this fate? Regulus was so nice , so normal to talk to, compared with the other assholes in their year, and sometimes, they would just hang out near the lake, chatting about some class or another test and Regulus would hand him a book, telling him to read it because Evans told me it’s pretty good and it is, I think you should read it . Barty had stared at the book, nodding wordlessly. Another time, he watched Regulus play seeker at the Quidditch matches and wow, he looked so good and that made him feel butterflies in his stomach that only grew just staring longer and—he tore his eyes away, focusing on the other team instead. That night, in his dreams, that’s all he could see and just Regulus grinning roguishly after catching the snitch and—he woke up with a groan, tossing aside his covers and making up his mind to drown himself in the shower.
And then Regulus started dating both James Potter and Lily Evans. Barty had seen Regulus with Potter at Hogsmeade, and he looked so happy , more happier than Barty had ever seen him. It hurt. It really did, and it was like he was sucker punched in the fucking stomach when Regulus also mentioned that he was dating Evans too. It was confusing too—how could someone date two people at once? But then if he could like the same sex, then anything was possible, really. And they all looked so happy together, too. It made Barty angry and miserable .
Which is how he’s finding himself getting steadily drunk at a party that really should not have been happening on a Friday night. It was a party hosted by a group of popular Gryffindors, and somehow, Barty had gotten roped into it (it definitely wasn’t Regulus mentioning that he should go and that it would be fun). No, he was an independent, young wizard who didn’t need no Regulus Black.
Nope.
But the liquor found its way into his hand and soon he was drinking cup after cup, enjoying the rush of the alcohol, and he could also feel the rising anger with each cup of firewhiskey he consumed. He could see Regulus, James, and Lily at the other side of the room, and it made him even more angry, and his brain was all fogged up and he was feeling vaguely like he was going to throw up any minute. A (thankfully) rational part of his brain told him that that wasn’t good for his reputation. Barty agreed. So, forcing himself to put down the cup of fire whiskey in his hand, he turned around and stumbled to the door, slipping out and finding himself faced with a stairway.
“Well,” he announced drunkenly to no one in particular, grinning widely. “This is fine.”
A portrait near him glanced at him with distaste. “You could say that again, darling.”
Marlene hadn’t intended to run into her stupid, fucking ex at the party but shit happens, and it happened. Max had wanted to rekindle their old flame, and unfortunately, he wasn’t very smart for a Ravenclaw. Otherwise, he would have known what “no” meant. So, one very heated argument later, she was storming back towards the party, hoping to get absolutely shit-faced tonight. She didn’t want to remember anything . However, as she neared the staircase, she saw one very drunk student, swaying at the top of it.
“Oh fuck, that’s not good,” she muttered, eyes on him, and coming to a stop. “Um, are you okay up there?”
The student just let out a louder than necessary laugh, eyes crossed as he stared at the step in front of him. Marlene’s eyes widened a bit as she realized what was basically going to happen.
“Um, wait right there and I’ll—“
And honestly, did she expect him to listen? Sure enough, he attempted to take a step down the stairs and ended up tripping over his feet, and Marlene sprang into motion, catching him in her arms just in time. Otherwise , she noted with a shudder as the staircase rumbled into motion, shifting away, he would have fallen way far down.
The student in question was now in her arms and safe, so she supposed that was a bonus. Only problem was that he was a bit heavy, but hey, impromptu weight lifting, right?
Wonderful.
The guy stirred slightly in her arms, blinking at her cross-eyed. “Did I die?”
“Huh?” She spluttered, backing away from the moving staircase and towards the hallway that was very much stable.
“Is this…are you an angel?” He slurred. “Are you…ahh, I forgot the line.” He snorted a laugh after that, cheeks flushing a bright pink, and he went limp in her arms. Marlene grumbled, shifting his weight before setting him down gently on the floor.
“Are you serious?” She snapped. “That shit wasn’t funny, you know! You could’ve died!”
“But then I wouldn’t have met you, the angel!”
“You’re not dead,” she said shortly. “News flash, you’re still alive and kicking. Who even are you?”
He focused on her, squinting. “I know you. Marlene…McSomething.” He sighed a bit at that. “Y’know, my dad would always show me the muggle place McDonalds near our home, and point out that they weren’t worth it. I wanted the toy those stupid kids always had after eating those…whatchamacallit—happy meals?”
Marlene blinked, sitting down next to him. He sighed again.
“I wanted a happy meal. Instead I got sad, pathetic meals.” He laughed at that.
“That’s a lot of depression in just one statement,” Marlene noted. “My last name is McKinnon, though. No McDonalds here.”
“Darn. But you’re wayyyy prettier than a McDonalds,” he said with an over exaggerated wink. Marlene scoffed at that.
“You’re stupid when you’re drunk. Don’t get drunk in public, bud.”
“I’m Barty Crouch Jr., by the way,” he added, and Marlene snorted.
“What kind of asshole slaps on the Jr title when introducing himself?”
“This asshole!” Barty cheered. “I’m an asshole!”
“Wow, okay, you okay?”
“Do you like assholes?” Barty asked her in all seriousness.
“What? Ew —”
“Oh, no , that’s disgusting now you say it like that . Wait, I got a better one. Are you mental stability? Because I really want you right now!”
Barty laughed hysterically at that one, while Marlene grew more and more concerned.
“Okay, not okay then,” she said aloud. “Alright. Alright, that’s enough flirting. What’s going on?”
Barty paused, staring at her. “You’re pretty.”
“So I’ve heard,” Marlene deadpanned. “Spill.”
Barty pouted at that. “You’re mean.”
“I’ve also heard that.”
“You’re a bully.”
“That one’s new.”
“A butt.”
“Okay, now you’re being immature,” Marlene huffed. “I think you need some water too.”
Barty shook his head. “Later.”
“Alright. Now tell me what’s going on because clearly you’re not like this usually. You’re one of those Slytherins, aren’t you? I think I recognize you now.”
Barty grumbled at that. “I hate them.”
“What?”
“They’re assholes. Like me. Except more asshole-ish than me.”
“Okay, I don’t think that’s a word, but continue.”
Marlene hadn’t expected to be an impromptu therapist on the floor of the castle for a drunk, sad Slytherin, but sometimes life throws this kind of shit at you and you just gotta roll with it. At least, her mama told her that. Besides, Barty looked like he needed to talk. She supposed that the tears filling his eyes gave it away.
“I’m a stupid idiot, you know that?” Barty rambled, and Marlene blinked. Since when did they go from the other Slytherins to self-deprecating talk? Okay, focus, Marlene , she told herself fiercely.
“Why do you say that?” She offered. Barty sniffled, scrubbing at his face.
“I—“ he hiccuped a bit, the effects of the alcohol already starting to wear off a bit, clearly. “I like someone.”
“And?”
“I shouldn’t,” he practically wailed . “It’s wrong, you know that? If my father knew, he’d probably kill me.”
Marlene’s brows knitted together in confusion. “Why would he?”
“Because—“ Barty paused, lips wobbling in drunken despair. “He wouldn’t approve of him to begin with.”
Him . Ah, that explained a lot already. Marlene smoothed out her dress, leaning on the stone wall behind her.
“Continue. I’m listening wholeheartedly,” she told him, and he nodded, swiping at his eyes.
“And—and he’s already in a relationship—and—I’m just sad!”
Marlene nodded sympathetically. “That’s rough.”
“It is,” he said mournfully. “It sucks being in love with your best friend. You know that they’ll never return the same feelings.”
She sighed, nodding in agreement. “Yeah. I get you.”
“How do you do it?” He asked, sniffling.
“Do what?” She inclined her head.
“Y’know,” he said, waving his hands around.
“Oh. Be bisexual?”
He paused at that. “Oh. I thought you were gay. Lesbian?”
Marlene giggled at that. “No, I’m bi. Girls are super hot, but some guys are as well.”
“Yeah,” Barty sighed.
“But yeah. I guess it’s just the people I’m around?” Marlene said, shrugging. “I don’t need to really hide who I am because I know I got a group of kickass people who will defend me should anyone even say anything to me.”
“But your parents—“
“They don’t know,” she sighed. “I plan to keep it that way. It’s dangerous too, being anything that isn’t straight or cisgender, for that matter, with the impending war.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe I’ll tell them, though,” she mused. “After the war, though. I want to do it right.”
Barty nodded. “That’s a good idea. Hopefully soon.”
Marlene smiled slightly. “Yeah. But hey, let’s talk about this boy.”
“Hrgh,” Barty groaned, head falling back on the stone wall. “Pain.”
“I get that,” she snickered. “But who is he?”
“The biggest dickhead you’ve ever seen.”
“…Really?”
“…No. He’s really sweet. I just think he’s a dickhead because he does this to me.”
Marlene nodded sagely. “Yes, of course. Carry on.”
“I hate his stupid guts and his stupid grey eyes and his stupid laugh and—“ Marlene could already see tears pooling in his eyes again. Wow, this guy was really gone for this boy. It was almost depressing to watch. Scratch that, it was depressing.
Barty swiped at his tears again angrily. “I hate that he’s so friendly even though I told him and got rejected because he’s not just dating one person, but two people .”
Marlene blinked. “O-okay. Correct me if I’m wrong, but are we talking about Regulus Black?”
Barty’s eyes squeezed shut, and he scrubbed at his face aggressively.
“That’s a yes,” she decided. “Also, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” he sighed. “Boys…they’re not worth it, are they?”
Marlene laughed ruefully at that. “No, they aren’t.”
“You have trouble with them too?”
“Oh, yeah ,” Marlene nodded. “I just got out of a fight with one of my exes just half an hour ago, you know?”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she said. “In your words, he’s a fucking dickhead asshole.”
Barty snorted at that, smiling a bit. “You added embellishments, those aren’t my words.”
“Okay, yes, I took artistic license,” she huffed, and he grinned. “But he deserves it. He’s so dumb , I’m just not interested.”
“Yeah?”
Marlene sighed, frowning. “Yeah. I mean, we just slept together once after a party because we were drunk and you make bad sexual decisions when you’re also stressed as fuck, and he decided that he wanted a relationship after that. But I didn’t , but I guess I thought it would work out. You know?”
“…No.”
“Fair enough,” she conceded. “But I just keep having to tell him no, and I just yelled at him to leave me alone because I don’t want to put up with his shit, and I just…”
She pursed her lips, glaring at the floor. “Not to mention my other ex, Noah.”
“Noah?” Barty said thoughtfully. “Like, the Hufflepuff Noah?”
“No, the Gryffindor one.”
“Huh. There are two?”
“Yeah. Unfortunately.”
“Understandable, continue.”
“And he was actually nice,” Marlene said, slowly devolving into a rant. “He was actually a nice fucking guy, but turns out he was such a fucking player that he was seeing three other girls the same time he was dating me!”
“Woah,” Barty said, blinking. “No shit?”
“I wish I could tell you it’s all bullshit, but deadass this motherfucker did that,” Marlene snapped, her filter slowly disappearing in her anger and disappointment . Just even thinking about her exes made her upset. “I feel that the hexes we all did on him didn’t even cover it.”
“You only hexed him?” Barty said, eyes narrowing at her. “He kind of deserves more.”
“Yeah, well,” she sighed. “Legally you’re not allowed to murder someone. That might get me expelled or get me in Azkaban.”
“Not if you have someone to hide the body really well,” he said wisely, and she snorted.
“Yeah, true. Get rid of all evidence, including the wand.”
“Who said anything about using your wand?”
Marlene blinked. “Well—yeah—but it would be a bit more messier then—“
“Well,” Barty dragged out. “Only if you use knives or something. There’s nothing a bit of poison can’t do.”
She stared. “Remind me to never get on your bad side.”
He smiled at that. “Boys really aren’t all that though, I guess.”
“Yeah,” she exhaled. “They’re dumbasses.”
“Thanks,” he deadpanned and she grinned.
“Present company not excluded.”
“Okay, wow. Hurtful,” he pouted. “Are you always this mean to everyone?”
“No, just to the people I like,” she said, and he grinned.
“Yeah, so did my lines work on you?” He winked at her, and she mimed gagging.
“No. Just—no. Friendship over, have a nice life.”
“Aw, don’t be like that!”
She laughed, getting up and brushing off her dress. “We should get moving before a teacher or Peeves finds us, though. That would kind of give away the party.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, also getting up (a little more unsteady than Marlene, but a solid E for effort, really).
“Wanna go back?” Marlene asked, and at his dubious expression, grinned. “I bet you’ll pass out before me if we had a firewhiskey drinking competition.”
“Hey, I’m already half drunk!”
“What, too chicken?”
“You’re on, McKinnon!”
“Get—UP—Marlene!”
Marlene groaned, lost in the haze of sleep, and cracked open her eyes, squinting against the bright light. She could feel the throbbing pain of a hangover and groaned again, eyes fluttering shut again.
“Marlene—get the fuck up!”
“Shush—I’m sleepin’,” she mumbled, waving a hand at the voice pathetically. Now that she thought about it, though, the place where she was sleeping was quite uncomfortable and didn’t feel like her bed at all. She sighed deeply, opening her eyes again painfully and squinting at the concerned faces of Lily and Mary.
“Wha—where am I?” She slurred, struggling to sit up.
“You’re in the Gryffindor common room?” Mary said, hands on her hips. “And you have a guest here too.”
“Who?” She asked sleepily, and Lily tutted.
“That Slytherin—what was his name again?”
“Oh, Barty?” Marlene said, rubbing at her eyes and then smoothing out her wrinkled dress. “Yeah, he’s my new bestie.”
“I am?” A sleepy voice came from somewhere next to her, and she nodded, blindly reaching out a hand to pat him on the head.
“Yeah!”
“Oh, good, that’s—ow, stop hitting my back!”
“Sorry!”
Mary pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation.
“Youuuuuuu,” she groaned. “Get up. He has to go back.”
“ Whyyyyyy .”
“He’s going to get into trouble,” Lily said, glancing at an irritated Mary in concern. “At least, that’s what Regulus said when he saw him here.”
“Why was Regulus here, Lily?” Marlene said, half asleep, with a leering grin, and Lily flushed.
“That’s none of your business, but I was just loaning him a new book!” She exclaimed, flustered. “I—just, let’s go, Marlene!”
It took another fifteen minutes to get everyone up and moving, and before Barty left the common room, Marlene stopped him.
“Why don’t you hang out with me and Mary sometime?”
“What?” He said warily.
“You mentioned not having the greatest people around you,” she said carefully. “Maybe you could hang out with us. We’re not perfect , but we’re here to listen and just have fun.”
He was silent for a moment before nodding slowly. “Alright,” he said. “Alright. I’ll think about it.”
She smiled brightly. “Perfect. Now get out of here before I make fun of your hair.”
He flushed a dull pink before mumbling something and practically sprinting out of the common room.