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Chip wakes up gasping, wide eyes frantically searching for a crew long gone. The nightmares, or are they more like twisted memories?, always get worse when colder weather draws in. And as those winter months fast approach the grief in his chest digs its claws in just that slight amount too much.
He flops backwards, panic fast overcome by deep set loss and self loathing. A soft whoomph sound fills his ears for a second as he ragdolls, and a sigh digs itself out from his mouth as tears build up in his eyes, Chip quickly blinks them away. Much preferring to just stare at the ceiling from his cot and feel how the ship softly sways on the open sea. Both hoping for and dreading the idea of slipping off into his dreams again
He lays for a while, could be 10 minutes, could be an hour, but tiredness sits in the back of his conscious like an old friend, so he knows that sleep will just have to wait for another time. Instead he opts to do what he normally would on nights like these, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and forcing his slow, tired, body to get up. Grabbing a shirt the throw over himself, already wearing shorts he steps out of his room. The moon is low in the sky, verging between the early hours of the morning but the sun won't rise for a while yet. The soft pad of his feet and the countless times he's walked this ship leading him where he wants to be.
Opening the door to Gillions room Chips steps become much more careful, precise and slow as to not wake up the Triton he gently makes his way over to the bed and sits on the floor. Resting his head sideways on his arm. Shuffling around a little until he's comfortable, facing him, and he knows Gills asleep, deep breaths in a silent room as he reaches between them and softly intertwines their hands. Gentle fingers on a colder, vaguely wet, palm. He knows that he shouldn't be there, a small part of his subconscious screaming at him to leave and stop pining. But the moment in that room sticks with him. The kiss they shared so gentle yet passionate, and it frightened him that it was the best kiss he had ever experienced.
He doesn't know what Gill thinks of him, but he knows that the smaller smiles he gets when Gill thinks he isn't looking, or that damn kiss, even if only to move through a room, it felt so much more than just a kiss of practicality. It means something, maybe his feelings are conflicting with common sense, perhaps it meant nothing but platonic kindness you'd show to a crewmember. Or perhaps it was simply desperation and a last ditch effort. Chip tries to send the thoughts away, his head reeling as he considers every possibility. He clenches his eyes shut and focuses on the feeling of Gills hand in his, a soft grasp now mirrored by gentle fingers wrapped around his own. He snaps his eyes open to be met with stunning blue ones, confusion and surprise on Gills face.
"Hello Chip. " Gillions usual bravado is missing, in its place a much more drowsy greeting which held barely half of the volume or energy of his usual words.
Chip jerked away violently anyway, surprised and embarrassed to be caught doing what he was. A flash of something unrecognisable passes over gillions face so quickly it could be mistaken for lighting. Chip would think about that later.
"Oh, uh hey Gill, I'm not sure how I even got in here, must have been sleepwalking you know? So weird, sorry about that my bad, Hahaha yeah I'm gonna go." Chip scrambles for words as he turns for the door. But a body much faster than his stops him, with surprising agility for someone who just woke up, Gill jumps from his bed and grabs Chips arm, holding him back slightly while making his way to block Chips pathway.
"Gill what the hell, I said I was sorry, I won't come in again I swear" he pulls his arm from Gill, ignoring the gentle tingling just under the surface. Embarrassment flares in Chip like kindling, red hot and fast to burn.
Gill is tense, frowning, unreadable.
"Stop running Chip, start explaining. Is this another one of your pranks?" His tone is strained, unwavering as he meets Chips eyes. Chip meets him head on, gaze steely as he stomps down the parts of himself that beg to escape
"Gill I promise its nothing please just forget about it."
"Tell me the truth. Even after our fight you've not stopped lying to me. You've been in here before as I rest and I want you to explain why. You seem to actively avoid me at any other time, scampering off with some haphazard excuse. This time I want you to explain because I dont understand you. What is it you want from me?" His response is snappy, irritation sharpening his words. Moments if silence pass, Chip wracking his brain for anything to say but coming out with hands full of dust and cobwebs. Because he wants, wants so much it frightens him.
"Is this funny to you is that it? Do you find it amusing to torture me like this?"
Chips mouth opens and closes.
Gill sighs and steps aside,
"just go."
Chip loiters, he knows he should go, knows he should stamp down his feelings and deny them. But he's so sick of questions, and he just wants to get away.
"no." shaky and far quieter than he'd meant to say it he speaks up again "No Gill, let's talk. You want the truth? I'll give you it. I avoid you to avoid remembering the best kiss I've ever had, even though I can never stop thinking about it, but it springs around my head on repeat whenever I even so much as look at you. Why was it so good, is it wrong that I enjoyed it as much as I did? Why did you make it so passionate for a goddamn door? Was it purposeful to make me go and say I fucking like you or was there no other motive. If you wnat me to continue apologising for coming in unannounced then I will but I'll be damned if I mean it. I just want to spend more time around you because you're so comforting to me, and things get so much sometimes but you're constant." and as their eyes meet Chip takes a breath, Gill standing in front of him, shocked but unreadable. "well, Gillion, there's your truth, now let me go and we don't have to talk about this and I promise I'll leave you alone." he brushes past a limp unresponsive Gill and takes hasty steps to the confines of his cot. Praying tomorrow will never come as his eyes drift close.
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Its tomorrow.
Jay is bashing on his door.
" Chip get the fuck up you can't sleep all day!!" her voice travels through the ship like its made of paper and he grumbles a half formed reply as he pulls too heavy limbs from the warm embrace of sleep. Stumbling from his room as he trips over nothing and catches himself on the doorway. Today would be difficult, cold biting his cheeks as he pulls himself onto deck. Looking around he calls a greeting to Earl and Gill.
Wait
Fuck
Gill, last night. Today just became much more difficult.
Earl hollers a greeting and something about juice, Gill raises a hand and starts talking about his titles,but chip can't hear anything over the crashing waves of his own panic driven self loathing. He knows Gill will want to talk, he doesn't think he wants to though. For fucks sake, curse too tired half delerious him and his honesty.
He turns into the kitchen to grab something to eat, sitting at the table with some bread and juice. Mind empty, head heavy he considers what to do, eventually deciding on getting it over with as he stands, his chair falls behind him and he walks back to where Earl and pretzel are playing chess, ignoring it and grabbing Gill by the arm to drag him to the captains room he doesn't answer Gills question of what he was doing, just pulling him in and closing the door.
"alright Gill" Chip sighs, "let's get this over with, I said my truth yesterday. So break me down and do what you need to and we can just let this go."
Gill blinked at him. "Chip? What do you mean?"
He scoffed, "come on Gill, champion of the undersea, truth lover™, just get it over with."
Gills tone was concerned, confused, "Chip are you alright? I'm afraid I don't recall anything of great significance happening last night."
Chips head snapped up and his eyes met Gills. He tries to push away the wonderful flutter in the pit of his stomach at how close they were, much closer than he'd though
" what? " the question was barely asked above a whisper." what do you mean? Surely you remember, you were angry because I was in your room and you wanted me to be honest. I was." everything is crashing in his mind, worthless panic bubbling over at a situation he could have avoided.
Gills hand finds his, he pulls away. "I don't understand what you're saying but maybe it was just a dream" Chip shakes his head
"surely not," it couldn't have been a dream. It felt so real.
"how about you tell me about it? Would that help?"
Chips hands find themselves in his hair, eyes glued to the floor now, "no, no, no, no, things don't get better from admitting your weaknesses. People take advantage of you and shit gets worse."
Silence
And then a soft voice fills a room, much closer than nececary, though Chip doesn't want it to move away " I won't. "
And gently fingers are teasing his hands away from the sides of his head. The far too comforting voice and feeling of Gill around him. Chip aches. Yearning for so much more than he should be allowed to ask for as he leans closer, feels his shoulder bump into someone.
"is this some human thing I don't understand?" Gill is genuine, shifting slightly to stand, when did they get the the ground? "I'll get Jay, stay here."
Hands leave his, his shoulder gets colder and his breath hitches. "Don't leave." he mutters, "please stay."
And the hands are back, he's leaning into someone so familiar. "did the kiss back in that room mean more than just escaping to you?" the whispered conversation starts up again. "why make something feel so much more than necessary? Do you know what you're doing to me?"
"it was necessary." a whisper returns "for our safety and to complete our mission." he hesitates, Chip can feel the unspoken words in the air. "I didn't know it had such an impact on you, I am sorry for that." Chip focused on the softness of the slightly moist hand on his.
"I'm not complaining, Gill, I'm just, scared" that I enjoyed it, that it felt so real. That I can't escape liking you. So many things to be afraid of.
"I am also afraid" a half silent admittance wearily thrown into the air. "I'm afraid quite often."
The silence drags on between them, so many things to say, stifled by lack of confidence or words. But Chips gaze drifts to Gill and stays there, seeing how his hair frames his face so well, and the smaller details of Triton descent on his skin, delicate swirls beneath his eyes. Eyes which Chips finds are glued to his lips, wonderful royal blue and half lidded.
Chip flicks his tongue out. Gill swallows.
"what are you afraid of, Gill?" The speed that their eyes meet is incredible, as if he had forgotten he was in the room at all.
"this and that, letting down the crew." his words devolve into mutters too quiet to hear. "why are you afraid? By that kiss I mean"
Chips eyes shift, away and then back again. "it was nice." his words stumble from him before he can properly think, and before he knows it he can't stop. "it was more than nice. I feel wrong for thinking this way, wanting it again, wanting more. Its not just the kiss, it's that since then I've not managed to stop thinking." through this Gills face had darkened, a deeper blue adorning his cheeks, lips cracked to form a barely hopeful smile.
" Truly? " And something in Chip just gave out, surging forwards and slamming their lips together, half expecting to be pushed away but Gill gave back just as much. Chips hands found his waist and chest and shoulders, curling around them, pulling them closer. Gill had an arm around Chips back, the other propping them up. His mind short circuiting as entire ecosystems curled in his stomach. A colder hand at the back of his neck, gently running nimble fingers through his hair.
Gill pulled away first. Soft breaths between them, vague shock lining both of their features. They untangle their limbs, shuffling to sitting next to one another, though chip still feels a gentle hand reach for his and takes it, looking over to Gill who is determinedly staring at the wall. His tongue darted out, perhaps to remove the idea of Chips touch. Perhaps to taste it. The thoughts form something pitifully needy in Chip.
"Do friends do that up here?"
"kissing?" Chip wants to tear his lungs out, why would he ask that, obviously it's kissing. He doesn't wait for a response. "some of them, most keep that to themselves though, private matters kept in private areas."
"ah," Gill sheepishly looks over to Chip, "could it be something we do?"
If Chip wasn't red before he certainly is now, and all of a sudden he finds he can't talk. Giving a weary nod and gently squeezing Gills hand instead of saying just how much he'd love that. How he's wanted for so long.
Gentle lips are on his cheek for a spilt second and he feels so content, he wants to get used to this. The usual longing for comfort and warmth in his chest is a shadow of the monster it once was. Gill smiles and butterflies fill his stomach, he finds himself smiling back, flowers blooming where desire had let him rot.
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