Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jake N’ Bake has created a group chat!

The Pen Den

Busty Rusty: wtf is this 

Jake N’ Bake: U know exactly what this is 

Sumo Dumo: but why tho 

Jake N Bake: mostly because I wanted to see what ur guys usernames are 

Busty Rusty: well now u saw can we leave 

Jake N Bake: no

Sumo Dumo: why 

Jake N Bake: I wanna know who everyone is 

Pickle Jar: actually same 

Jake N Bake: who tf are you 

Pickle Jar: Tristan… 

Jake N Bake: Tristan? 

Jake N Bake: ohhhh jars 

Busty Rusty: Jake low key scares me sometimes 

The Zach Attack: felt 

Jake N Bake: shut up with your lame ass username 

The Zach Attack: well idk what else to make it 

Jake N Bake: gee I don’t know Zach 

Jake N Bake: maybe REESE’S PIECES

The Zach Attack: no those are gross 

Bluey: BITCH YOURE GROSS

The Zach Attack: talk to me when your username isn’t a kids show 

Simon Says: wait you don’t like reese’s??

The Zach Attack: not the pieces 

Busty Rusty: Wtf why not 

The Zach Attack: idk they’re like peanut butter skittles 

Sumo Dumo: bruh you just ruined reese’s pieces for me

The Zach Attack: plz never “bruh” me again 

Sumo Dumo: bruh 

Busty Rusty: bruh 

Jake N Bake: Bruh 

Simon Says: bruh 

Pickle Jar: bruh 

IAMSCORE: BRUH 

Sumo Dumo: lol even geno “bruh” ed you 

IAMSCORE: WHO IS ED

Jake N Bake: ...anyways 

Jake N Bake: how about we figure out who everyone else is?

Sumo Dumo: well I gotta assume that SC87 is Sid 

Jake N Bake: seriously SC87 

Jake N Bake: what? did you steal that from Cristiano ronaldo? 

SC87: Hey! Maybe he stole it from me

Jake N Bake: doubt it

Busty Rusty: you better watch how you talk to Sid or he might get you traded

Jake N Bake: nah I’m too important to the future of this franchise 

Busty Rusty: damn, cocky much 

Jake N Bake: ha you said cock 

Sumo Dumo: you are a literal child 

The Other Brian: jake..

Sumo Dumo: dang you have all the Brian’s coming after you 

Jake N Bake: wait! we have like 3 of them 

Busty Rusty: you just realized??

Jake N Bake: pshhh of course not 

Sumo Dumo: sure 

Jake N Bake: ANYWAYS back to figuring out who is who 

Jake N Bake: who the fuck is “dans not my dad”

Busty Rusty: who the hell is dan?

Sumo Dumo: Potash maybe? 

SC87: or Bylsma 

Jake N Bake: I literally have no clue who either of those people are 

Dan’s Not My Dad: DAN MARINO 

Dan’s Not My Dad: SO MANY PEOPLE ASK IF IM RELATED TO DAN MARINO

Jake N Bake: literally no one has ever asked you that 

Busty Rusty: one elderly lady on the street asked him about it and he’s held onto ever since 

Sumo Dumo: anyways before johnny throws a fit 

Zuck You: can we all appreciate my name? 

Sumo Dumo: it is pretty sweet ngl 

Busty Rusty: meh 

Busty Rusty: I’m kinda feeling dom’s tho 

Simon Says: thx bro 

Jake N Bake: but is it pronounced like the game or like your last name 

Busty Rusty: his last name you dumbass 

Jake N Bake: there is no need to call be names asshole 

Busty Rusty: you wanna fight?

Jake N Bake: you wanna have more points than me? 

Busty Rusty: I’m hurt you bozo 

Jake N Bake: excuses excuses 

Sumo Dumo: okay but who’s dach?

Dach: me 

Jake N Bake: DONT TELL ME I WANNA GUESS 

Dach: k 

Jake N Bake: bitch did you just k me 

Dach: yuh 

Jake N Bake: bitch ass 

Jake N Bake: is it petty?

Sumo Dumo: petty’s name is literally petty 

Jake N Bake: hmm is it my man E Rod?

Hot Rod: look at the last word you said and the last word of my name 

Jake N Bake: dang that’s tough 

Sumo Dumo: is it Casey?

Jake N Bake: NO SHUT UP IM GUESSING 

Sumo Dumo: dang kid chill out 

Busty Rusty: no it isn’t

Busty Rusty: Casey is ‘#1 on the ice, #1 in ur heart’

Jake N Bake: geez why is that so long 

 #1 on the ice #1 in ur heart: you know what else is long? 

Jake N Bake: … 

 #1 on the ice #1 on ur heart: my blockers you gutter minded fool 

Jake N Bake: good thing you didn’t say your dick 

Jake N Bake: cuz we all know that isn’t true 

 #1 on the ice #1 on ur heart: Jake why were you looking at my dick 

Jake N Bake: I wasn’t 

 #1 on the ice #1 on ur heart: then how do know

Jake N Bake: umm 

Jake N Bake has left the chat! 

Chapter Text

The Coat Rack 

Boondocks: so we’re really doing this 

Ski Lift: I don’t even know what this is 

JoBro 4 Life: uh I think coach wants us to bond 

Boondocks: well this is not the way 

Ski Lift: Torts wouldn’t make us do this 

The Dean Machine: yeah well torts left us 

Blue Suede Shoes: it sounds like someone is what Americans would say “salty”

Ski Lift: low key proud of you for making your username an Elvis Presley reference 

Blue Suede Shoes: I was raised in Latvia not under a rock 

Ski Lift: last time I ever compliment you smh 

Trik Shot: okay I have a confession that I think you guys should know 

Blue Suede Shoes: you’re getting traded? 

The Dean Machine: you have erectile dysfunction?

Ski Lift: your gay? 

Trik Shot: no no and I don’t think so 

Ski Lift: you don’t think so? 

Ski Lift: please do elaborate 

Trik Shot: I mean I haven’t had any you know gay desires and I have a girlfriend, but who knows it could change 

Boondocks: anygay 

Boondocks: I SWEAR I MEANT ANYWAY 

Ski Lift: sure...

JoBro 4 Life: back to what patrik was saying 

The Dean Machine: wait Trik Shot is Patrik 

JoBro 4 Life: yes you big idiot 

The Dean Machine: okay no need for name calling 

Trik Shot: AS I WAS SAYING 

Trik Shot: back when I was a jet I always that that tort’s name was tortellini 

Boondocks: TORTELLINI?????????

Trik Shot: DONT JUDGE ME BOONE

Boondocks: TOO LATE 

Max the Snack: ngl I used to call him tortilla in my head 

Ski Lift: WHY ARE YOU CALLING HIM FOODS

NyQuil: speaking of foods, I have a serious question 

The Dean Machine: go on 

NyQuil: is cereal a soup?

Ski Lift: please never speak to me again 

NyQuil: what?? It’s a valid question 

Ski Lift: definitely isn’t 

NyQuil: is so 

Ski Lift: is not

NyQuil: is so 

Boondocks: CHILDREN ENOUGH 

Ski Lift: is not 

Boondocks: listen here you little shit 

Ski Lift: I’m pretty sure you can’t call me a little shit 

Boondocks: and why not 

Ski Lift: cuz we’re literally the same size 

Boondocks: yeah but I’m like 4 years older than you 

Ski Lift: that literally isn’t a lot 

Boondocks: I’m the captain therefore making me superior 

Ski Lift: you are so egotistical 

Trik Shot: more like ego-testical amiright? 

Ski Lift: didn’t you just deny being gay 

Trik Shot: yeah and 

Ski Lift: maybe don’t say ego testical ever again 

Trik Shot: fair point 

Chapter Text

Pancake Toppers has been created! 

Here’s Johnny: this has gone on long enough 

Here’s Johnny: this chat has been made for over an hour and no one is even acknowledging it

Door Matt: maybe we would if it it wasn’t called PANCAKE TOPPERS 

Mitchin’: I like it 

Door Matt: well you're an 8 year old in a 24 year old body 

Door Matt: you don’t count 

Mitchin’: if that weren’t so accurate I would be offended 

Wayne’s World: I was wondering who door Matt is but now it’s pretty obvious 

Door Matt: you didn’t get it sooner? 

Wayne’s World: literally slob on my knob 

Mitchin’: pickle Rick on my dick 

Wayne’s World: Charlie Sheen on my peen 

Mitchin’: dobby’s sock on my cock 

Door Matt: LEAVE DOBBY OUT OF THIS 

Wayne’s World: YEAH AND GET HIS SOCK OFF UR COCK 

Spez Dispenser: I’m not sure if you guys know this or not, but it’s currently 2 hours before puck drop 

Spez Dispenser: I’d rather not be thinking about anything to do with a house elf and Mitch’s genitals 

Mitchin’: ew plz never use the word genitals around me ever again 

Spez Dispenser: g-g-g

Spez Dispenser: GENITALS 

Mitchin’: bro you’re username is literally after a nasty ass candy 

Door Matt: POP MY PILLS FROM A PEZ DISPENSER 

Mitchin’: GET WASHED UP SINGERS WRITING ALL MY SONGS 

Door Matt: LIP SYNC EM EVERY NIGHT SO I DONT GET EM WRONG 

Mitchin’: forget Bieber being the best musician from Canada

Mitchin’: nickleback runs circles around him 

Will.i.am: I can feel matts getting ready to type out a huge paragraph 

Gettin’ Rich: plz don’t 

Door Matt has been removed from Pancake Toppers 

Mitchin’: bahahaha who did that???

Here’s Johnny: me 

Here’s Johnny: I’m not in the mood to hear him rant about Justin Bieber and then see Mitch’s sad little face because matts spoke fondly of someone who isn’t him 

Mitchin’: you make me sound like I’m his insecure girlfriend 

Here’s Johnny: aren’t you? 

Mitchin’: fuck off I don’t act like his girlfriend 

Here’s Johnny: whatever helps you sleep at night kid 

Gettin’ Rich: can someone add him back in? 

Gettin’ Rich: he keeps blowing up my phone 

Door Matt has been added to Pancake Toppers 

Door Matt: okay first of all: fuck whoever kicked me out 

Door Matt: and second: Justin is 10 times the artist nickleback could ever dream of being 

Mitchin’: smh 

Will.i.am: you’re both wrong 

Will.i.am: Celine dion is the best musician to come from Canada 

Wayne’s World: you guys are forgetting that Drake is Canadian 

Spez Dispenser: who’s drake? 

Wayne’s World: the lack of culture on this team is disheartening 

Mitchin’: I know who drake is 

Door Matt: same 

Gettin’ Rich: I think spez is the only one that doesn’t 

Wayne’s World: spez don’t talk to me unless you’ve listen to at least on drake song 

Spez Dispenser: how am I supposed to communicate to you on the ice? We’re literally on the same line 

Wayne’s World: I suggest you listen to God’s Plan before pick drop 

Mitchin’: SHE SAY DO YOU LOVE ME? I TOLD HER I ONLY LOVE MY BED AND MY MAMA IM SORRY 

Spez Dispenser: is that drake? 

Wayne’s World: yep 

Spez Dispenser: oh joy 

Chapter Text

Flower Power has created a chat!

GATEKEEPERS

Flower Power: My fellow defenders of the crease, welcome 

Discount: Uh hey? 

Pickle Jar: hey flower long time no see 

Soup Dude: technically you still aren’t seeing him 

Flower Power: is that a challenge?

Soup Dude: I dunno is it?

Flower Power: challenge accepted 

Pickle Jar: NO flower it’s all good 

Flower Power: what? Don’t you want to see this beautiful face?

Pickle Jar: not really 

Flower Power: admit it, you miss me 

Pickle Jar: I mean it was nice having you as a mentor 

Flower Power: are you calling me old? 

Highway to Helle: ooo tea 

Greased Lightning: I think we all might be too old to say “tea” 

Hart Breaker: speak for yourself bitch, I’m only 23 

Greased Lightning: no I don’t like that, don’t call me a bitch 

The Big Bob: ooo fight? 

Highway to Helle: we’re goalies we don’t fight 

Mike Wizowski: uh yeah we do 

Mike Wizowski: I fucking steamrolled cam talbot 

Ready Freddie: Dude I saw that recap and it was epic 

Mike Wizowski: FEAR ME PEASANTS 

Hart Breaker: pass 

Pickle Jar: if there is anyone you should be afraid of, it me 

Mike Wazowski: you? With your baby face? I don’t think so 

Pickle Jar: I’m serious

Pickle Jar: dont you guys know who my gm is 

Flower Power: Rutherford?

Pickle Jar: no he’s gone 

Flower Power: WHAT? WHY

Pickle Jar: idk some drama with Mario 

Flower Power: Lemieux? 

Pickle Jar: no the owner of the pizza shop in downtown 

Pickle Jar: yes, Lemieux smh 

Flower Power: win three Stanley cups and then you can give me attitude 

Hart Breaker: didn’t Matt Murray technically win 2 of those 

Flower Power: shut up filthdelphia 

Pickle Jar: ooo burn 

Highway to Helle: speaking of Murray, is he in this? 

Murr-der: I’m here 

Soup Dude: -awkward 

Murr-der: and technically I’d say that me and flower shared those two cups 

Flower Power: yeah stupid!

Murr-der: flower got us to the playoffs in 2016 and hit us through the playoffs in 2017 

Flower Power: and murrs got us through the playoffs in 2016 and to the playoffs in 2017

Hart Breaker: this seems like some weird intervention from dr Phil 

Murr-der: I did kinda hate you flower 

Flower Power: what why? 

Hart Breaker: cuz all of Pittsburgh hated Murray after you were traded 

Flower Power: nuhuh 

Pickle Jar: yeah I mean not all of Pittsburgh 

Murr-der: but most of it 

Flower Power: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding 

Pickle Jar: doubtful 

Murr-der: One time a kid asked for my autograph 

Murr-der: after I have it to him, he proceeded to rip it up and say I’ll never be as good as Fleury and then he ran away 

Flower Power: seriously? Wtf 

Murr-der: it’s okay I’m over it now 

Flower Power: well you're in Ottawa now right? How’s that going? 

Murr-der: it’s alright 

Mike Wizowski: LIAR 

Mike Wizowski: those assholes sent a two time Stanley cup champion back to the minors 

Mike Wizowski: and then we proceeded to whoop up on you guys you’re first game back 

Flower Power: I’m sure you didn’t get whooped up on 

Murr-der: we lost 6-0

Mike Wizowski: in all fairness, your defense left you high and dry a lot 

Pickle Jar: if it’s any consolation, I always thought you were cool Matt 

Murr-der: don’t lie 

Pickle Jar: I’m not! 

Pickle Jar: we’re the same age and you won those cups and started over flower 

Murr-der: it’s probably because Sullivan liked me more

Flower Power: probably 

Pickle Jar: Dude!

Flower Power: I mean pshh no you were just that good 

Pickle Jar: god you suck at this

Flower Power: hey there’s a reason I’ve never been captain 

Pickle Jar: because you’re a goalie? 

Discount: I’m pretty sure roberto luongo was a captain 

Soup Dude: weren’t you supposed to be a captain at one point 

Discount: they wanted me to be but it was against the rules 

Soup Dude: so sad 

Soup Dude: but on a high note: congrats to vasilevskiy on being a two time Stanley cup champion 

Murr-der: savor it before they trade you 

Andrei the Giant: uh okay

Chapter Text

The Star Spangled Banner 

Seguin > The Penguins: as a son of Canada I don’t approve of this name 

Seguin > The Penguins has changed the chat name to O Canada 

Saved by Kero: as an American I don’t like the new name either 

Seguin > The Penguins has changed the chat name to North America is the Best Continent 

FASFA: as a European I feel targeted 

Seguin > The Penguins: who even are you 

Joe Mama: it’s Radek 

Seguin > The Penguins: wtf is fasfa supposed to mean 

Joe Mama: oh dang I forgot FASFA is for America only 

Seguin > The Penguins: if FASFA is for the us, then now does he know what it is 

Joe Mama: I told him to make it that 

Seguin > The Penguins: why tho 

Joe Mama: don’t worry about it

FASFA has changed the chat name to EUROPE IS BETTER 

Seguin > The Penguins: agree to disagree? 

FASFA: no 

Big Benn: ha get wrecked nerd 

Seguin > The Penguins: shut up before I wreck you 

Otter: that kinda sounds fruity 

Seguin > The Penguins: what does that mean 

Otter: ya know 

Otter: limp wrist 

Otter: 💅

Seguin > The Penguins: I am so lost rn 

Big Benn: Dude he means we’re acting gay 

Seguin > The Penguins: oh 

Seguin > The Penguins: hey! no we aren’t 

Otter: sounds very believable 

Big Benn: we aren’t tho 

Where My Hoes At: whatever you say big guy 

Big Benn: does anyone else think that me and Tyler are gay? 

High Holtage: I mean I figured it was just one of those things that no one takes about even though they know about it 

Saved by Kero: ^

Big Benn: seriously? 

Seguin > The Penguins: lol

Seguin > The Penguins: Jamie would bottom tho 

Big Benn: don’t encourage them 

Big Benn: plus you would bottom 

Seguin > The Penguins: nuhuh my dick is bigger than yours 

Otter: wtf how do you know that? 

Big Benn: but your ass is more topable 

Saved by Kero: WTF WTF WTF WHO SAYS THAT 

Otter: sounds like someone has been thinking about Tyler’s ass 

J Bae: this is really making me question our entire team 

Otter: that would be pretty cool to have a gay captain and alternate 

Saved by Kero: I agree

Otter: like we could have pride nights 

Saved by Kero: WE COULD GET DRAG QUEENS AS OUR ICE CREW 

Otter: please we need that 

Big Benn: what is wrong with you two?

Otter: question is: what is wrong with you? 

Saved by Kero: what are you saying Jake? That there’s something wrong with him for loving who he loves? 

Saved by Kero: tsk tsk shame 

Big Benn: IM NOT GAY 

Otter: (in kronk’s voice) riiiiiight 

Chapter Text

Sorry to make this a whole ass chapter but I feel like if I don’t my request won’t be met.

I would like to know if you all are interested in the following:

Player slash ( I’m comfortable writing just about any slash except maybe one or two)

A 2022 AllStar Chat 

A Draft Class Chat

A “character” ask (ask a player a question and they “answer”) 

If you have any requests please let me know! I am very thankful for the team suggestions and I am trying my best to do all of them but it may take some time for some of them since I’m not very familiar with some teams. 

Other than that, I am currently writing the next chapter so it should be up by the end of today :) 

Chapter Text

The Pen Den

Dan’s Not My Dad: do you guys think that we should add Guentzy back? 

The Zach Attack: do we have to? 

Busty Rusty: definitely telling him you said that 

The Zach Attack: yo don’t he’ll be mad at me 

Busty Rusty: cry about it 

The Zach Attack: I am actually 

Busty Rusty: well cry quietly 

Dan’s Not My Dad: I feel bad. I’m adding him back

The Zach Attack: HE LEFT ON HIS OWN

Dan’s Not My Dad has added Jake N’ Bake to the chat! 

Jake N Bake: IM BACK BITCHESSSS

Lebang: no I don’t like that 

Lebang: never call me a bitch again 

Jake N Bake: damn who shoved your stick up your ass smh 

Busty Rusty: don’t be rude 

Busty Rusty: maybe tanger is into that stuff 

Jake N Bake: well if you are, then keep it to yourself 

Sumo Dumo: you guys ever miss Phil 

Jake N Bake: literally he’s my dad 

Busty Rusty: ngl the HBK line was pretty flame 

Dan’s Not My Dad: what’s the HBK line? 

Busty Rusty: you shouldn’t have asked that 

Dan’s Not My Dad: why 

Busty Rusty: just wait you’ll see

Jake N Bake: JIM RUTHERFORD THE PENGUINS GM NEEDED TO MAKE SOME TRADES AND GET SOME NEW MEN 

Jake N Bake: HE GOT BONINO FROM VANCOUVER HAGELIN FROM ANAHEIM KESSEL FROM TORONTO AND THEY FORM THE HBK LINE 

Sumo Dumo: ITS PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, THE HBK LINE PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, THE HBK LINE PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, THE HBK LINE 

Sumo Dumo: HAGELIN’S GOT THAT SPEED THAT OTHER TEAMS FEER KESSEL GOT THAT ROCKET 

Sumo Dumo: NICK BONINO’s BEARD

Jake N Bake: NICK BONINO’S BEARD

Jake N Bake: ITS PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, THE HBK LINE PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, THE HBK LINE PHIL HAGGIE AND BONES, SO PUT YOUR HANDS UP NOW 

Dan’s Not My Dad: Umm okay then 

J Money: did you two write that? 

Sumo Dumo: I wish 

Jake N Bake: yes yes we did 

Sumo Dumo: stop lying 

Sumo Dumo: the dudes from that one radio station did it 

Jake N Bake: whatever loser 

Busty Rusty: lol imagine not knowing what the HBK line is 

Dan’s Not My Dad: shut up 

Sumo Dumo: lol imagine not having any cups 

Jake N Bake: ooo burn bitch 

SC87: be nice 

Jake N Bake: imagine have a phat ass 

SC87: umm anyways 

Sumo Dumo: Jake are you sure you aren’t gay? 

SC87: it’s okay if you are

SC87: we still love and accept you 

Kasperi the Friendly Ghost: HA GAY 

Busty Rusty: Dude you have no room to talk 

Busty Rusty: I heard a rumor that you have a foursome in Toronto and no woman was involved 

Jake N Bake: SAY WHAT 

Busty Rusty: WITH WHO

SC87: no gossiping guys 

Kasperi the Friendly Ghost: yeah guys no gossiping 

I AM SCORE: LAME 

I AM SCORE:I WANT TO KNOW NOTSTRAIGHT DRAMA

Jake N Bake: purr 

Busty Rusty: you didn’t 

Sumo Dumo: plz tell me you didn’t just say that 

Jake N Bake: I did and I’m not taking it back 

Pickle Jar: JUST SPILL THE TEA 

Jake N Bake: bro even jars wants the tea

SC87: WHAT DID I JUST SAY 

Jake N Bake: damn no need to shout 

Hot Rod: maybe if you listened then he wouldn’t have to yell

Jake N Bake: no one likes an ass kisser 

Hot Rod: you do tho 

Jake N Bake: huh?

Jake N Bake: oh 

Jake N Bake: I AM NOT GAY 

Chapter Text

Mitchin’ has created a new chat!

Best Draft Class

Dave-O: no 

Mitchin’: don’t no me 

Bar Stool: no 

Mitchin’: shut up Barry

Dave-O: ?

The Eichel Tower: Barry Trotz????

Mitchin’: *barzy

Dyl Pickle: for sure calling you Barry B Benson from now on

Dave-O: who’s Barry B Benson 

Mitchin’: oh my god 

Mitchin’: how are we even friends 

Dave-O: we aren’t 

Mitchin’: Well we sure as shit ain’t now

Mitchin’: no friend of mine doesn’t know who Barry B Benson is 

Bar Stool: do you guys think that Barry could play hockey 

Dyl Pickle: oh for sure 

TKO: his celly would be so sweet 

Dave-O: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME WHO BARRY B BENSON IS

Mitchin’: do you guys hear that? 

Mitchin’: sounds like the cries of a non believer 

The Eichel Tower: he’s a bee 

Dave-O: huh 

Mitchin’: oh my god just google it you senile old man 

Dave-O: ohhhhh I remember this 

Mitchin:: stupid ass

Dave-O: shut up 

Dyl Pickle: you guys ever wonder which guys have hooked up 

Dave-O: well that took a drastic 180

The Eichel Tower: like in the league? 

Dyl Pickle: no on RuPaul’s Drag Race 

Dyl Pickle: yes in the league you stupid fucking idiot

The Eichel Tower: I just wanted to clarify before spewing off my ships 

Mitchin’: YOUR SHIPS??? BAHAHAHAHHA

The Eichel Tower: fuck you marns 

Mitchin’: awww jacky are me and you one of your ships??

The Eichel Tower: fuck no 

Mitchin’: rude 

Dyl Pickle: let’s hear some then 

The Eichel Tower: bet 

The Eichel Tower: okay so for sure patty kane and johnny toews 

Dave-O: for sure?? 

The Eichel Tower: oh yeah definitely 

Dyl Pickle: was it like a one time thing or an ongoing affair?

The Eichel Tower: they probably got blackout drunk after their cup runs and had victory sex 

Ski Lift: agreed ^

Kirill The Thrill: this might be my hero worship but Ovi and Nicke Backstrome

The Eichel Tower: now that you say that, I totally could see that

Mitchin’: dudes what about Sid and Geno 

Dave-O: I dunno 

Mitchin’: WHAT 

Dave-O: I mean… 

Dave-O: Sid seems like a lot to handle 

Mitchin’: and you don’t think Geno can handle him? 

Dave-O: I think Sid needs someone with a little more patience 

Dyl Pickle: true facts 

TKO: what about Benn and Seggs 

Mitchin’: low key think that seggs is homophobic 

Dyl Pickle: probs 

Dyl Pickle: ✨internalized homophobia✨

Bar Stool: OnLy StEeRs AnD qUeErS iN tExAs

Mitchin’: AND HE SAID IS ISNT A COW SO THAT MEANS HES A QUEER

TKO: facts 

Mitchin’: okay okay I got one that might make some of you mad

TKO: go on 

Mitchin’: Connor and Draisaitl 😳

Dyl Pickle: OMG I THOUGHT THE SAME THING BUT I DIDNT WANT DAVO TO HURT ME

Bar Stool: 100% 

The Eichel Tower: no doubt in my mind 

Dave-O: WHAT 

Dave-O: ME AND LEON? LIKE THE DUDE THAT PLAYS ON MY TEAM? LIKE THE GERMAN ONE??????

Mitchin’: yup

Dave-O: DEFINITELY NOT

Dave-O: Leon’s straight 

The Eichel Tower: sTrAiGhT 

Dave-O: shut up

Mitchin’: I love how he says that drai is straight but never ever bothered to call himself straight 

Dave-O: SHUT UP MR IM IN LOVE WITH AN AMERICAN 

Dave-O: tell me mitchy

Dave-O: does Matthews get all hot and bothered when you call him papi 

Mitchin’: I WILL COME ALL THE WAY ACROSS CANADA AND KILL YOU 

Dave-O: GOOD

Chapter Text

XO Tour Life: GUYS 

Frosty: what 

XO TOUR LIFE : TREVOR JUST SENT ME A PIC OF HIS DICK

Too Cole For You: HAHAH WAS IT SMALL??

Zebra: IT WASNT MEANT FOR YOU

XO TOUR LIFE: then who was it meant for?

Zebra: some super hot babe from socal

Frosty: sureeee

Frosty: and let me guess

Frosty: her name is Jamie 

Zebra: SHUT UP JACK

Kirb- Stomp: wait how do you know?

Ritz Crackers: cuz it’s not actually a girl 

Zebra: YEAH HUH 

Kirb-Stomp: I’m so lost 

Too Cole For You: Kirby buddy… Z was sexting Jamie Drysdale 

Kirb-Stomp: TREVOR YOU WHORE 

Kirb-Stomp: NOT MY JUNIORS BESTIE 

XO TOUR LIFE: haha Trevwhore

Zebra: I AM NOT A WHORE 

Frosty: your a whore for number 34 

Zebra: Jamie is a good little Catholic boy I would never send him a dick pic 

Frosty: liar liar pants on fire 

Zebra: shut up you sound like your 5 

Frosty: yeah 5 inches deep in your boyfriend ha!

Frosty: I really didn’t think that one through, did I?

Zebra: nope 

Kirb-Stomp: okay so I just texted JD and Z has in fact sent him dick pics

Zebra: LIES BLASPHEMY DECEIT 

Kirb-Stomp: Jamie said that you told him it was an accident and that you meant to send them to a girl name Jamie 

Zebra: see!

Zebra: an honest mistake 

Kirb-Stomp: BUT he also said he still can’t figure out why he could see his #34 ducks sweatshirt in said dick pics

Zebra: OBJECTION YOUR HONOR

Kirb-Stomp: I can call Jamie to the stand as a witness if you’d like

Zebra: NO

Kirb-Stomp: because you sent it to Jamie DRYSDALE on purpose 

Zebra: of course not, don’t be silly 

Zebra: Again another fluke. Mine and Jamie’s laundry must’ve gotten mixed up and I had on his sweatshirt by mistake 

XO TOUR LIFE: bullshit bullshit and more bullshit 

Frosty: admit it Z 

Frosty: you’ve been sexting a Canadian 

Zebra: I would NEVER 

Zebra: I am far too patriotic for that sort of thing 

Zebra: plus Jamie refuses to send any back so it’s not actually sexting 

Chapter Text

Mitchin’: sheesh this deadline hurted 

Dave-O: did you just say hurted? 

Mitchin’: yuh 

TKO: he has a point tho 

Mitchin’: oof I forgot that you lost your captain 

Dyl Pickle: I guess tk is in Spain 

Dyl Pickle: but the s is silent 

TKO: pretty much 

TKO: like that bitch was pretty much my hockey dad 

Mitchin’: I’m just glad we didn’t trade anybody that I care about 

Dave-O: uh didn’t they get rid of Dermott? 

Mitchin’: no? 

Brock the Rock: they definitely did 

Brock the Rock: he’s literally a Canuck 

Mitchin’: F in the chat 

Mitchin’: but we got Giodarno from the krakheads tho 

Dyl Pickle: ha the Krakheads 

Mitchin’: am kinda bummed that we didn’t pick up flower 

Kirill the Thrill: WE GOT HIM

Kirill the Thrill: SUCK ON IT MARNS 

Mitchin’: chilè bro 

Dyl Pickle: take good care of that goat 

Mitchin’: for real 

Bar Stool: since we’re here I just have to say 

Bar Stool: THE LEAFS ALTERNATE JERSEYS ARE UGLY 

Mitchin’: they aren’t

Mitchin’: well one is cool

TKO: yeah that other one looks like ass cheeks 

Dyl Pickle: weren’t they designed by Justin Bieber?

Mitchin’: unfortunately 

Kirill the Thrill: I sense you don’t like biebs? 

Mitchin’: you sense correctly 

Eichel Tower: why not 

Dyl Pickle: I think I can guess 

Mitchin’: don’t 

Kirill the Thrill: SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT

Mitchin’: I’m warning you stromer

Dyl Pickle: AUSTON IS BESTIES WITH BEIBS AND MITCH IS SALTY 

Mitchin’: why are you the way that you are??

Dave-O: ha mitchy is jealous 

Mitchin’: hey fuck you 

Dave-O: pass 

Kirill the Thrill: wait, Mitch isn’t dating Auston Matthews?

Dyl Pickle: he wishes 

Mitchin’: I’m running away 

Dave-O: bye bitch 

Chapter Text

Quack Quack Bitches 

Zebra: EMERGENCY 

Zebra: oh shit, wrong chat 

Gutzy: you good kid? 

Zebra: oh yeah uh totally 

Zebra: nothing you don’t already know about 

Gutzy: I think I know the root of this “emergency”

Canada Supremacy: Z? Are you okay??? 

Canada Supremacy: Where are you? Do you need me to come get you? 

Gutzy: yeah I definitely know your issue 

Canada Supremacy: what’s the issue???? Is he okay???

Gutzy: chill out JD, he’s fine 

Canada Supremacy: Well then why did he just text “EMERGENCY” ???

Gutzy: I’m too old for this 

Sonny Side Up: ooo ooo I know I know pick me I know 

Zebra: Shut up Sonny

Canada Supremacy: what does he know? What are you guys not telling me?

Zebra: No need to worry your pretty little head Jimbo. Everything is perfectly fine 

Canada Supremacy: are you sure? Can you just tell me what’s wrong?? 

Canada Supremacy: You can be super vague and leave out all the personal parts. But please just let me know you’re okay 

Sonny Side Up: this is gross 

Zebra: ugh jimmy 

Zebra: how’s this for vague

Zebra: the person that I like  just did something super sweet like 2 minutes ago and now I’m definitely in love 

Canada Supremacy: oh 

Canada Supremacy: well that’s great! Im so happy for you Trevor

Trojan Horse: oh shit he called him by his first name 

Trojan Horse: fix it! You made him sad!

Canada Supremacy: sad? Who’s sad? Im not sad, I’m super happy for him and this mystery person he’s in love with 

Canada Supremacy: am I a little betrayed that all of you seemed to know about this crush except me? Sure. But I always forget that Z is a busy guy and doesn’t always have time to tell me everything 

GIBBAE: shit Z you fucked up bad 

Zebra: I DIDNT MEAN TO 

Chapter Text

The Greasers

Dave-O: how mean would it be if I texted Mitch to brag about moving on and then choking again?

Dave-O: whoops that was only meant for Leo

Le-off: ha now they can see that their captain is an asshole 

Hyway: if it were any other team, I would encourage it

Hyway: but coming from that shit show, I think I’d  advise against it 

Dave-O: meanie 

Chicken Strips: on a scale of 1 to 10 how likely do you think it is that the leafs got cursed by some salty witch back in 2004?

WebMD: 0 they just suck 

Chicken Strips: shut up or I’m gonna call Sarah to beat you up again

WebMD: Dude that was confidential 

Dave-O: wait wait wait 

Dave-O: how recent did this happen 

WebMD: when we were little 

Chicken Strips: LIAR

WebMD: if you want to play second round i suggest you shut up 

Dave-O: if you want to play 2nd round I suggest you continue 

Le-off: ^

Chicken Strips : so basically Sarah beat him up like last year for trying to steal her wine during a family function 

WebMD: you know barrie I’ve never wanted to commit murder so strongly until you joined the team 

Chicken Strips: aww nursey you flatter me 

Hopper: you guys think that Calgary is gonna move on? 

Yams: I hope not 

Le-off: if I have to play an entire series against tkachuk I might vomit 

Hyway: leo and chuky sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G 

WebMD: I think you meant H-O-O-K-I-N-G 

Hyway: trueeeee

Dave-O: he’s so annoying tho 

Hyway: but he’s kinda hot tho 

WebMD: hold up wait a minute 

Hyway: ?

WebMD: YOU ARE MARRIED WITH A CHILD 

Hyway: yea and 

WebMD: to a WOMAN

Hyway: I’m aware 

Hyway: and we agreed that if we were ever to have a threesome that he’d be our first option 

WebMD: well okay then 

Hyway: you got a problem with that nurse?

WebMD: me? 

Hyway: don’t be biphobic 

WebMD: I’m not?

Hyway: think of all the children who look up to you only for you to be prejudice 

WebMD: bro I’m not 

Dave-O: I don’t think that nursey is biphobic 

Dave-O: probably just matthew tkachuk phobic 

Le-off: most people probably are 

Hyway: shut up drai 

Hyway: you and chuky are probably gonna be the leagues enemies to lovers trope 

Le-off: definitely not

Hopper: but I think Leo and Davo would be good candidates for friends to lovers 

Dave-O: Uh

Hopper: I could definitely text marner or strome and they’d for sure spill some secrets

Dave-O: nope 

Dave-O: not needed 

Hopper: that’s what I thought 

Chapter Text

Quack Quack Bitches

Trojan Horse: is it too soon 

Sonny Side Up: something you say a lot amiright?

GIBBAE: too soon for what??

Trojan Horse: the fact that we need to change Z’s name to L

Zebra: fuck off at least I was NOMINATED for the Calder 

GIBBAE: yeah I’d say it’s too soon 

Canada Supremacy: sorry you didn’t win Z

Canada Supremacy: I was really rooting for you

Zebra: oh? Were you really?

Gutzy: here we go smh 

Zebra: even over bunting, your fellow gta native???

Zebra: or Moritz our little Swedish fika  

Oh My Josh: pretty sure Seider is German 

Gutzy: low key kind of impressed that Z knows what Swedish Fika is though 

Zebra: you give me too much credit

Zebra: I just heard it in a song before 

GIBBAE: what was the song?

Zebra: Swedish Fika 

GIBBAE: fitting 

Canada Supremacy: yes Trevor I was rooting for you over everyone else 

Canada Supremacy: even if I were a nominee I would still be behind you 100%

Oh My Josh: oh my god just kiss already 

Gutzy: plz don’t 

Sonny Side Up: we don’t tolerate homophobic in this household 

Gutzy: it’s not homophobia 

Trojan Horse: why is this old bat in the gc anyways?? You’re retired, go make a chat with people your own age

Gutzy: fuck off

Zebra: so do we keep Getz in this one or?

Oh My Josh: so we keep him in this one and promise to stay in touch through it, but instead we abandon it as we start a nearly identical chat just without him it

Gutzy: you guys are asshoes

Gutzy: * assholes

Zebra: hahaha ass hoes

Oh My Josh: is that the same as a butt slut?

Zebra: I think it is 

Oh My Josh: Z is an ass hoe Z is an ass hoe!!!

Zebra: maybe maybe not ;)

Canada Supremacy: ANYWAYS I’m still proud even if you didn’t get it Z

Zebra: thx Jamie baby 

Zebra: on a higher note, Kennan Thomas is a fucking legend

Oh My Josh: is he as awesome as he seems?

Zebra: he’s even better 

Oh My Josh: no way 

Zebra: yes way

Gutzy: who’s Keenan Thompson?? Like I saw that he hosted and he talked about being in a mighty duck movie or whatever

Gutzy: I just don’t know why people are making such a big deal

Zebra: ur done 

Gutzy: done with what

Zebra: existing hopefully

Sonny Side Up: harsh bro

Zebra: valid tho

Canada Supremacy: not to talk back or anything but how could you? Keenan thompson is legendary

Canada Supremacy : just go watch Good Burger

Gutzy: if it anyone else told me that , I’d tell them to fuck off

Gutzy: but I’ll listen only because it’s JD 

Sonny Side Up: aww jd is getzy’s favorite 

Zebra: my favorite too ;)

Oh My Josh: I thought I was your favorite :(

Canada Supremacy: apparently not

GIBBAE: Jimmy is losing his gentlemanly attitude 

GIBBAE: I LOVE IT 

Zebra: I love it too if you know what I mean 

Gutzy: I think I’m actually excited to be left out of the chats now

Gutzy: no more watching Z trying to get into Jamie’s pants 

Sonny Side Up: NO HOMOPHOBIA BRO

Gutzy: it’s not HOMOPHOBIA BRO

Sonny Side Up: then what is it????

Gutzy: it’s like watching your two children flirt, it’s gross

Trojan Horse: okay valid

Zebra: aww you see me and JimJam as your kids that’s so sweet 

Gutzy: I wish I didn’t