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The Family jokester. That's all I am to them.
I’m the one who is supposed to make people feel better on a bad day. I am the one no one has to worry about. My red eyes didn't seem to bother anyone. Or maybe they just didn't care. That seems about right.
No one cared. In this household it was all about helping others. Until it's about helping each other. Everyone seemed to have someone though. My parents, Mirabel and her sisters and their parents. And instead of Dolores having my back it was Antonio who got her support. I was left by myself. An outcast to my own emotions.
It was 5 in the afternoon. Warm breezes pass here and there. I don't know how but by the time i realized I was near the river with a blade in one hand, I went numb. There was a sudden emptiness in my heart. Like my heart had been ripped out off my chest cleanly. My knees dropped onto the soft green grass and stared.
Stared into the water until I could hear every trickle of the water, the wind brushing the trees, birds singing their songs, the steady inhale and exhale of my own breath, the soft beat of my own heart.
Slowly, my eyes drifted to the blade in my hand. It was a knife from the kitchen. The one Tia Julieta used to cook. It reflected the shine of the sun.
I took off my yellow ruana, folding it neatly and placing it on the grass. I stared at it for a few moments. I don't know when I had started wearing it but it was gifted to me from Mama. She handed it to me and called me her little chameleon…
I rolled up my sleeves as I kicked off my sandals. I took a step into the river, the coolness of it getting deep into my bones. I walked deeper into the water. My ankles, knees, hips until all that was left above water was my face. I slowly floated down the stream. It was late. At least 2 hours had passed. Everyone was probably setting up for dinner.
Would anyone even notice that I was gone? Would they care? Do I care? My mind was falling apart.
I gripped the blade in my hand tight. Everything is falling apart. This was me, this was all me. I deserve this, I deserve to hurt.
No one will know. No one will care. I should know better.
It hurts. I could feel my vision get blurry. It's way past my bedtime now.
But the stars look pretty tonight. Cloudless sky.
I can hear someone calling my name.
Muffled calling.
They’re calling me.
I manage a small laugh. My vision is fading.
They're calling me.
‘’Dios Mio, please, let this be a joke.’’
The family jokester. That's all I was to them.