Chapter Text
Hacking coughs echoed in the dim alleyway lit by yellow hue, as two figures were hunched over, trying to catch their breaths.
"I apologise for being a burden for you and your agency", Akutagawa gasped out in between coughs and wheezes. "You should leave me here and go."
Kunikida's eyes darkened. He vaguely wondered if it was something that Dazai had told him. The boy’s entire personality seemed to be shaped around Dazai’s past words, now that he had gotten to know the boy better.
"That's not how it works in the agency. You're a part of us now, and we help each other" Kunikida assured, placing a firm hand against the coarse fabric of Akutagawa's black coat. Akutagawa shivered slightly, but didn't try to escape the touch. White tips of black hair were swinging violently as Akutagawa's heaving and coughing rippled through his frail body. Luckily Yosano was almost there, as indicated by the hurried clicks of a pair of heels against the concrete. She threw her black bag to the ground and kneeled to one knee to take a proper look at the situation.
"What happened?" she asked as she pulled out a stethoscope and motioned Kunikida to take Akutagawa's coat off.
"A smoke bomb went off before he could react, and a kick in the chest certainly didn't help", Kunikida explained as he eased the coat off from younger man's shoulders.
Yosano frowned, placing the stethoscope on Akutagawa's back. This wasn’t good.
…
Kunikida’s and Dazai’s figures attracted Akutagawa’s attention, as they were in the hallway next to the open door.
They spoke quietly, so Akutagawa couldn’t hear what they said. Their body language didn’t promise anything good, though. They were tense like dogs ready to fight, much different from the relaxed posture Dazai usually sported, and the professionally lax one Kunikida always had. They seemed to be arguing, spitting harsh words towards each other.
Akutagawa could briefly see the venomous demon prodigy in Dazai’s posture and expression, ready to sink it’s fangs to the prey in front of it.
But then, Kunikida said something that made his position falter, and Dazai rushed out of the situation down the hallway. Kunikida stepped through the door to the infirmary and sat down in a chair that was placed to the bedside.
“Kunikida-san, what.. was that.. about?” Akutagawa coughed, as he hesitantly accepted the plastic cup of water Kunikida had poured from the nearest sink.
“Just a little argument, that’s all”, Kunikida reassured. It hadn’t been a little argument at all, if Dazai had been unsettled.
“What.. did you.. talk about?”
Kunikida seemed to hesitate for a moment, before pushing his glasses up a bit and taking a firm grip of the bedside railing.
"You know, it was easy to ignore that Dazai was in the mafia. It was easy to forget that he murdered people, a lot of them, to put it on the fact that he was very young when that happened. But after I got to know what he did to you, and now that you're here, I don't know if I can forgive him. We used to be best friends, but his actions deserve consequences. That was what we were talking about."
"Don't", Akutagawa interrupted, voice still slightly wheezing. "Don't waste your friendship with him because of me. I do not deserve that kind of consideration."
Akutagawa’s firm determination on how he didn’t deserve better was unsettling.
"But Akutagawa, that's what Dazai told you, wasn't it. It's not true."
Graphite grey, hard eyes of the twenty-year-old were firm as he spoke.
"No, you don't understand. What Dazai-san said was right. He tried to protect me, but I still can't manage to get his approval. That pain made me stronger. And he has not changed towards me, but he has changed in other ways. He has a friend now, you. He lost his friend and now he has another one. He left the mafia because of Oda-san. He left me and Nakahara-san behind without another thought. Friends are important to him, the few ones that he has had. What do you think he would do if he lost another one?"
It was true, Kunikida thought. He hadn't thought about how Dazai was feeling about this, since in his opinion Dazai didn't deserve that kind of consideration right now. Though he was a huge hypocrite in not reacting before now, their companionship held immense value to Kunikida. He deeply respected Dazai and his achievements in the agency. However, he couldn't bare the thought of Dazai abusing a child, regardless of whether they were only two years apart or not. It showed the utter cruelness Dazai had been desensitized to, and now he had a victim of his right in front of his eyes. The way Akutagawa spoke of himself left Kunikida deeply uneasy, a dire evidence of the emotional cruelty he had been subjected to.
"It's all in the past, anyways. There's nothing that can be done to undo it. But I don't want Dazai-san to suffer because of me", Akutagawa choked out the last words, exhausted from his lengthy monologue. He coughed a few times, before clenching his fist.
Kunikida nodded, pushing his glasses slightly back after the sudden motion.
"I will consider what you said, but that doesn't mean I've forgiven or forgotten."
It escaped Akutagawa how the blonde man could be angry about something that had happened years and years ago. They had been in rivaling organisations back then, Kunikida had probably vaguely knew of his existence but nothing else. And now the man was angry for him, in his behalf, even though he was with no doubt aware of what the raven-haired man had done to Kyouka. It was something he simply couldn't understand. Yet there Kunikida was, eyes not faltering, as firm and quiet anger twisted his expression, intertwining with always present worry.
"Kunikida-san, you remember that I was Kyouka-chan's mentor, too?"
Right, it was true that Akutagawa had been unnecessarily (understatement, really) abusive towards Kyouka. After all, Kunikida was the one to soothe sniffling and hysterical Kyouka after a meeting with Port Mafia. And regardless of it, Kyouka welcomed Akutagawa to Armed Detective Agency with open arms and a lollipop she had snatched from Ranpo, former assassin as she was. She was really courageous for her age, and the forgiveness she presented Akutagawa with was outstanding. And Kunikida understood. He would've probably forgiven too, but when it came to other people getting hurt from their decisions or dismissing their feelings, he felt uneasy.
"But she got away from the mafia at a young age and found a family here. It's not the same."
"Well, is it anyone's fault, really, that no-one saved me until now?" Akutagawa questioned, gripping the blue-tinted sheets with pale knuckles.
No, it wasn't. And with how Akutagawa had been before Atsushi's death, it would've probably been impossible to get him out of the mafia.
"Kunikida-san, please check on Dazai-san. I want to know if he's okay" Akutagawa asked weakly, turning his gaze down.
……
Kunikida knocked Dazai's door. There was no answer, and he pulled the spare keys from his pocket, opening the door without hesitation. He had no time for childish plays. This whole situation was getting on his nerves, both in the sense of making him annoyed and anxious. He flicked the lights on with a carefree hand movement, as if he hadn't just infiltrated someone's apartment and broken at least two different laws. At this point, he didn't care.
"Dazai, you procrastinating bandage roll, I know you're here."
He rummaged through the apartment, only to find nothing but a neatly folded note on the round living room table. It wasn’t carelessly tossed there, but instead it seemed like it was thoughtfully placed in the middle of the surface. Kunikida folded it open, dread seeping through his veins. Carefully placing pieces of paper wasn't like Dazai, he had always been rather a disorganised person when it came to his surroundings.
Kunikida wished it would say "Haha, I just went to run errands and I wanted you to get worried for me because I'm an asshole."
Or he wanted it to be a forgotten shopping list. That's what it could've been.
But it wasn't.
Instead it read,
"I'm tired of losing friends, really. My past has come to haunt me in the worst ways, and I don't think it can ever be recovered from.
I don't even know who I am writing this to, but if anyone in the Armed Detective Agency happens to read this, take care of Akutagawa and save what I shattered.
Don't show this to him. Please, don't.
Kunikida, I'm really sorry I couldn't be the partner you needed me to be. You were right. I am irredeemable, and this is how I'm taking responsibility.
Sincerely,
Dazai Osamu"
“I am irredeemable” echoed through Kunikida’s mind.
This was not how he had meant this to go. He hadn't meant to make Dazai feel like he had to throw his life away. He had gotten angry and frustrated, and he had needed to take a step back to examine their relationship and how this new situation affected them. But it had never even occured to him that Dazai thought that the only way he could redeem himself was to die.
He phoned Fukuzawa, listened to the stoic voice of his superior falter almost imperceptibly as he gave instructions.
Fukuzawa always knew what to do, even when Kunikida's own ideals and thoughts were shaken apart.