Archive of Our Own ^beta

Changbin isn’t doing too good. He feels everything too much. The depression, the anxiety and the paranoia, everything is so much. And yet his life seems so dull. Everything is so much, but not enough.

He wonders if it will ever be enough. If he will ever be enough.

He wonders if the depression will always be this much or the anxiety or the paranoia, or maybe he is just too much.

His mind is a mess, kinda like his life he guesses.

He wonders if he’s alone, if he’s the only one who feels this way.

If he was thinking rationally he’d know that’s not the case. But all rational thoughts flew out of the window when the panic settled in, the heavy weight in his chest settled in and the intrusive thoughts started haunting him. When he fell to the floor and all energy left his body.

He wonders if someday maybe he’ll feel just a little more and just a little less all at once. God, he’s not even making sense now, is he?

No need to make sense though, he’s just getting caught up in his own mind again. It’s been happening so much lately.

He wonders if his friends still like him. And if they do, how long that will last.

He wonders if they’d think differently of him if he told them about the things he’s been feeling.

He wonders if anyone is gonna stay forever. It seems almost impossible.

He wonders when everyone will eventually leave.

He wonders why he feels like this and why now? Just why really?

Why why why?

The word rings in his head, why?

Why are you so sad?

Why are you so nervous?

Why can’t you just get over it?

Why is everything so contradicting?

Why can’t you make sense of everything?

WHY WHY WHY?

He wonders why it’s so loud all of a sudden.

He wonders why the word sticks out so much in his brain.

He wonders why he can’t stop it.

He wonders why he doesn’t even try.

He wonders if he’d even feel motivated to put in the effort.

He doesn’t think so, he lacks motivation in pretty much every aspect of his life.

Why would this be any different?

Wanna get out of bed? No.

Wanna shower? No.

Wanna eat? No.

Wanna sleep? No.

Wanna go out? No.

Wanna do anything? No.

He wonders if the answer will ever be yes.

He wonders if someday he’ll do these things automatically. Without thinking. Without wondering.

He wonders why he thinks so much, he wonders so much.

Too much maybe, it’s all too much again.

*

Changbin gets in his head like this, it’s a cycle that doesn’t stop. He shuts down completely and his mind takes over, digging himself deeper into a hole it seems he’ll never get out of.

It tires him out, makes it difficult to do anything. To talk to anyone.

He misses his friends. He’s shut them out and has isolated himself completely.

He misses hanging out and doing things and being excited about it.

He can’t remember when he last felt excited. When he could leave his bed and not feel like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders.

When he wasn’t scared to love and be loved. When he still felt loved.

When he trusted and was trusted.

When he still cared.

When he didn’t wanna curl up in a ball and hide from the world forever.

He can’t, the world just keeps going, with or without him and if he keeps doing what he is right now, he won’t be able to keep up. Maybe he doesn’t want to keep up. Maybe he wants life to keep going without him. What that means exactly, he isn’t sure.

He’s spiraling again. He needs someone, but who’d even help him? He’s shut everyone out, no way anyone is up for dealing with him.

There are so many intrusive thoughts again. He could hurt himself again, he could relapse. He craves it, but he can’t.

He promised, he promised he’d text them if or when he got the urge and so he does, here goes nothing.

| hey guys, it’s bad again

He knows they’ll know what he means.

|js: omw

|mh: be right there

He feels like his heart might burst. These two people, the two people he cares about most, the ones he’s pushed away most, hasn’t talked to in weeks are just always there. Maybe he’s not so alone.

He’s not alone, mere minutes later, the bell rings. He gets up from his spot on the floor to go open his door and there, outside, are his two most precious friends. Jisung and Minho are always right there for him.

They’ll always catch him when he falls, they’ll be there to steady him when he stumbles.

They rush in to hug him, neither saying a word. They always know what he needs, right now it’s just their company, their presence. Knowing they’re there, with him and they’re not leaving his side. Because even if he doesn’t talk to them for weeks, months, or even years, when he needs them, they’ll be there.

They lead him to the couch, gently lay him down, and lie down with him. Half on top of each other but without a care in the world.

The panic isn’t as present anymore and the itch under his skin is slowly going away too.

He still feels too many things all at once, but for now, he’ll be okay. For now, he won’t collapse. For now, he’ll just lay here, with Jisung and Minho.

He sobs and lets his tears flow, burying his face in someone’s neck, he’s not entirely sure whose, but he thinks it’s Minho’s.

“Hey, our pretty baby, it’s okay, let it out, we’ve got you” Jisung’s voice sounds distant. Like he’s not really there, but he is. Slowly but surely Jisung’s voice becomes clearer, so does Minho’s. They’re there, with him, for him. It’s all he needs, all he will ever need is them.

“Thank you” he whispers when his sobs have turned into quiet sniffles.

“Always angel, you know that,” Min says softly, pecking his forehead. It makes Changbin blush a little. Minho is usually teasing, but when it’s just the three of them, he can be so soft and sweet, it never fails to make Changbin or Jisung blush. Like this part of him is only reserved for them.

“You’re cute, prince” Jisung coos, and Changbin turns even darker, he loves being called prince, something Jisung and Minho have picked up on. It started as a joke, but now the pet names are just a common thing between them.

Changbin likes being called prince, Jisung prefers princess and Minho likes angel most. They confessed their preferences during one of their midnight video calls, all of them blushing and hiding. It’s one of Changbin’s favorite memories with them.

It was a very fun night, they’d all been sleepy, but none of them wanted to miss out on their planned video call so the whole time they were just spilling whatever came to mind, which resulted in Jisung blurting it out he likes being called princess and continuing to ask them what they liked (when he was done hiding at the realization of what he’d just said of course).

“Can we go to bed and cuddle, please?” Changbin timidly asks.

“Of course, prince,” Jisung says and actually picks him up, making him squeak.

Minho follows them to the bedroom and moves aside the sheets so they can lay down. Jisung puts Changbin down and gets in the bed to the right of him, Minho on the left. The both of them, cuddling up to him.

“Love you,” Changbin says to both of them when they’re all comfortable.

“Love you both” Jisung says.

“I love you too, my pretty prince and princess” Changbin and Jisung both blush at this, they’re his pretty royals. “Let’s get to sleep now, hm?”

Changbin hums in affirmation and it’s not long before they’re all sleeping.

The next morning, it’s Jisung who wakes up first, he just looks at the two boys and admires them, they’re both so strong, having gone through the things they have.

They’re all tangled together, it feels safe, secure. They fit so well.

Physically and emotionally.

Emotionally, they’ve all had to deal with difficult things, they understand each other, support each other and love each other through tough times.

Jisung and Minho have definitely noticed how Changbin has been going through a rough patch lately. Unfortunately, life hasn’t been the nicest to any of them and they’ve all got their own stuff to work through, which sometimes doesn’t allow them to check in with each other as often as they’d want to. Though, whenever one of the three reaches out, the other two will drop everything to be there.

When Changbin wakes up, he feels better, though not much. But at least his head feels clearer.

He opens his eyes to find Jisung already awake and smiling at him, Minho still asleep and muttering quietly, it’s adorable.

“Good morning, prince” Jisung smiles at him. Changbin almost melts at how cute he looks.

“Mhm, good morning” the two just cuddle for a while longer, waiting for Minho to wake up before getting out of bed.

About half an hour later, the eldest starts to wake up too. Changbin and Jisung chuckle at the groans he lets out when stretching.

“What are you two laughing at?” He tackles Changbin and starts tickling him.

“N-nothing, please, mercy. Aaah J-jisungie help” Changbin pleads and Minho eventually stops. “Mean, why did you only tickle me?”

“You’re right, Binnie, I should get Sungie too, hm?” He turns to Jisung now, but he is up and running in seconds.

“Nope! You’re not getting me” the other two laugh at him. Min makes no move to get up, not having enough energy to run after him right now.

Instead, he just cuddles up to Binnie again. Jisung stands at the edge of the bed, pouting now.

“Hey! Don’t cuddle without me” he whines.

“Come here then, you whiny baby” Minho opens his arms, and Jisung worms his way in between them. Always so eager for their attention.

“How are you feeling, Binnie?” Jisung turns to Changbin.

“Still not amazing, but you guys make me feel better”

“We’ll always be here to make it better for you, prince. Never forget that” Minho says and grabs his hand to hold.

“Thank you”

“Of course”

Their day is spent lounging around, only really leaving the bed to eat, drink and use the bathroom. They stay holed up in the bedroom, watching their favorite movies and cuddling.

Honestly, they all needed this, a cute, domestic day spent with their favorite people.

They’ve missed this, just the three of them hanging out. Lately, they’ve all been so caught up in their own lives, they didn’t even realize they missed this so much, but they all feel better by the evening, especially Changbin. He doesn’t get all in his head when he has the people he loves around him.

Even if he sometimes forgets that he is loved and cared about, Minho and Jisung will always remind him.

They decide to have a sleepover again, just happy to spend more time together. Having nothing to do for a few days.

They always used to do this, when they had free time, they’d spend days on end with each other. Just enjoying the company, the silent comfort.

They should do that again, they all benefit from it. They all need that care, the love.

Now the three of them are laying in bed again. Jisung is staring at Minho’s side profile, Minho in the middle now.

“You’re beautiful,” Jisung whispers.

Minho looks stunned for a second, not expecting it. Changbin looks at Minho and giggles.

“Sungie is right, you are,” Changbin continues.

“Wait stop, you can’t do that, you’ll make me cry”

“Oh, angel, don’t cry. You are and you deserve to hear it” Minho hides in Jisung’s chest, hearing his words. Though Minho usually acts confident, he’s really insecure. It’s why he started dancing, wanting an outlet, a way to use his body that would make him love it. Jisung and Changbin help too. They’re always there to support him.

They reassure him that he’s beautiful, inside and out. He appreciates it endlessly.

Changbin and Jisung both cuddle a little closer, holding him as he sniffles quietly, he’s lucky to have them.

They’re lucky to have each other.

“Thank you” he whispers.

“No need to thank us, pretty angel, just telling the truth” Changbin plays with his hair.

They all talk quietly until Jisung falls asleep, the other two coo at him.

“We should probably sleep too,” Changbin whispers and Minho agrees.

“You’re the big spoon,” Minho says and cuddles up to Jisung, having Changbin hug him from the back. Changbin smiles and holds him close.

“Goodnight, angel”

“Goodnight, prince”

They’ll be fine, they have each other to rely on when things get bad.

*

The next day it’s Minho who wakes up first, but he’s not about to leave from this cuddle pile and risk waking them both up so instead, he traces patterns on Jisung’s chest and listens to their soft breaths. He feels content right now, squished between his favorite people.

It’s Jisung who wakes up next, he pretends to be asleep for a while longer just to feel Minho’s fingers trace random shapes on his chest.

“Good morning” he eventually says. Minho almost melts into a puddle at his morning voice and messy bed hair when he looks to see Jisung smiling at him. Minho smiles back.

“Morning, hey wanna wake Binnie and go out for breakfast together?” Minho suggests and Jisung nods enthusiastically, he likes that idea.

Minho rolls over so he's facing Binnie instead. Jisung crawls over them both so he's on the other side of Changbin. Then they both start gently waking him up, shaking him a little, and talking in his ears, it's not too long before he blinks his eyes open, a confused frown on his face at first until he starts giggling at Minho's finger poking his side.

"Stooop" he whines, Jisung giggling at him and Minho with a big smile on his face. They're disgustingly domestic.

They tell Changbin about the plan and an hour later, they're all ready to go.

They leave the comfort of Changbin's apartment. Changbin seeing sunlight for the first time in weeks, he needed this, needed them to guide him through it.

They get breakfast at a little place just at the edge of town. It's small and they don't have much but the service is great and their muffins are to die for.

Jisung and Changbin go for pancakes and share a muffin, Minho gets eggs and bacon and a muffin for himself.

They chat and laugh as they eat, enjoying their time together, not having to worry about anything.

They're free with each other, a feeling all of them crave at times.

Especially Jisung, he feels trapped in his own mind, his life.

He feels like there's no way out of his very warped brain.

His brain tells him things, it makes him feel like no one will stay. That he'll be abandoned by everyone. That people only want him for his body, because that's how it's always been.

Changbin and Minho make him feel different, like his body isn't what he's good for. He, as a person, matters to them.

He has a personality, a brain, he's important. He's not just the weird kid with a good body.

He's the funny, kind and nice friend. Period.

When he's with Minho and Changbin, his addiction, his recovery, his problems, they don't matter. His substance abuse isn't the center of the conversation. He's not being judged.

His struggles, they're not an issue, it's like it was never really a thing, to begin with.

Jisung feels good, he feels safe and secure here.

They all do.

When they're done, they hug each other tightly. They're all going back to their own apartment.

They have responsibilities to tend to.

Changbin needs to get back to work tomorrow, which he needs to mentally prepare for, Minho has his choreo to complete and Jisung has his weekly rehab program he has to go to.

They promise to video call and hang out more often again like they used to and Jisung and Minho make Changbin promise he'll reach out to them when he needs them again. He makes sure to tell them to do the same and they all part to their own places.

*

Minho wonders too, sometimes.

He wonders if he's ever gonna be able to look in the mirror, just like he is now, and like what he sees. He doesn’t think he’s beautiful.

He wonders what people think when they look at him. 

He wonders if they also hate the sight of him or if they like how he looks like Binnie and Sungie do. Binnie and Sungie save him from the ugly voices.

He wonders if someday he'll be able to think back and the tears running down his face at the sight of himself will just be a distant memory.

He wonders if one day he'll love his personality.

He wonders why he's not as happy as others.

He wonders why he's so cold all the time.

He wonders why he doesn't get excited like his friends usually do.

He wonders why he's so quiet and timid around new people.

He wonders why he can't start a conversation without overthinking every word he says.

He wonders why he can’t be happy with himself.

He just wonders. A lot.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to eat food without thinking about how many calories he’s consuming. If it’ll not be a constant nagging in the back of his mind.

It’s a lot, too much maybe.

That’s it, too much.

He wonders if it’ll ever not be too much.

He wonders if it will ever be just enough, just right.

It probably will be but it’s hard to believe that when all he can think about is the way he hates his appearance. His body, his face, everything.

He wonders if other people look at him with as much disgust as he does himself.

He’s been reminded that they don’t, that he’s anything but ugly or disgusting but it’s so hard to believe when that’s all he’s ever thought about himself.

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

The word has been repeated in his mind so many times, it doesn’t even feel like a real word anymore.

He wonders if the word will ever stop playing in his mind like a mantra.

The word is like poison, infiltrating his every sense that there’s no way for him not to believe it.

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

He covers his ears in an attempt to stop it.

He wonders if one day, the words never even start.

He wonders why the word haunts him.

He wonders why he’s being made to believe that he’s not pretty when all Jisung and Changbin do is reassure him that he is. That he’s beautiful.

He wonders why the word beautiful can’t play in his mind like a mantra instead.

Minho just wants to feel beautiful, doesn’t he deserve that?

*

Minho can feel himself spiraling. The voices are too much again. Telling him he’s ugly, inside and out. They tell him he won’t ever feel better and Minho has tears running down his face, breath ragged, and hands shaking as he’s curled into a ball on the floor.

He blindly reaches for his phone, it’s somewhere around him. He had it when the voices started.

He tries to call Sungie and Binnie, it proves to be difficult with tears blurring your vision and hands that you can’t seem to control.

Eventually, though, he manages. Binnie joins the call first, Minho waits for a few seconds before Sungie joins too.

“Guys,” his voice cracks.

“Oh angel, stay here with us. We’ll be right there” Sungie tells him. They just know.

“We’ll make them stop, angel. You’re so beautiful” Changbin calms him down.

“Binnie, can you pick me up on the way? Don’t have my license back yet” Sungie got his license revoked last month when he was caught driving under the influence when he relapsed, badly. He wasn’t as intoxicated by the time he went out driving so he’ll get it back in a few months.

Jisung has been trying so hard to stay sober since then, calling his two best friends as a way to feel good instead of the alcohol he so badly craves. It’s been working so far and he’s not relapsed since.

Changbin and Minho are so proud of him.

While Minho waits for Sungie and Binnie to come over. He does his best to at least get up from the ground and sit on the couch instead, wrapping himself in a blanket, still on call with Sungie and Binnie who keep whispering sweet words to him. He doesn’t really process them but the sound of their voices is soothing nonetheless.

At one point, Changbin and Jisung call from just Jisung’s phone. Changbin disconnecting. That must mean they’ll be here soon; Jisung doesn’t live that far away from him.

He listens to Jisung tell them about some show he’s watching. Changbin has been pretty silent, probably focused on driving.

It’s fine, Jisung is always the more talkative one between them, not that the other two mind, Jisung is their baby. It’s quite endearing how energetic he can be.

Minho finds his tears stop, soft sniffles leaving him now and then, still shaking slightly.

A few minutes later, Changbin announces they’ve arrived.

Minho stands up, stumbling slightly, and goes to open the door. The moment the door opens, the two wrap him in a big hug and he leans into it. His eyes close and he relaxes.

“We’ve got you, angel,” Changbin speaks, and Minho whimpers. He’s a mess but they still care for him. They still love him. It’s all he’ll ever need. They’re all he’ll ever need.

They don’t fix him and he doesn’t fix them but they’re there and they support each other through their dark times.

Jisung and Changbin take off their shoes and coats and then move him to sit between them on his couch. He has his head on Changbin’s shoulder, Jisung practically in his lap and he’s holding both their hands.

His shaking has stopped now as they just hold him.

Jisung looks at him and cradles his cheek with his free hand.

“Look at you, our pretty angel. You’re so beautiful” Jisung whispers and it’s so genuine, Minho gets teary-eyed again but not in a bad way this time, he just loves these boys so much.

“You can let go, angel. You know we won’t judge. We’re right here with you” Changbin says softly, noticing how his lower lip is trembling slightly and he’s blinking away his tears.

“No, I know I can let go but I don’t want to cry. I just want you both here with me” he says. It’s true, it’s all he wants. He doesn’t need to let go but knowing that he can, calms him. Lets him know that he’ll never be judged by these people.

He just tugs them both a little tighter. Jisung is fully in his lap and hugging him while Changbin is cuddled up to the side of them.

He’s safe here, he’s okay.

He doesn’t need to be insecure, he doesn’t need to be enthusiastic or loud or outgoing. He can just be him right now and that’s all that he wants.

He wants to be loved for who he is, which he always deems impossible until Binnie and Sungie come and show that he’s worthy of love in every way.

He believes it when he’s with them, they make him believe it with their constant sweet words and their natural affection.

“Okay, angel. We’re here with you” Changbin whispers, kissing the top of his head where it’s still laying on his shoulder. Jisung also lifts his head from where it was buried in Minho’s shoulder to give him a kiss on the cheek and Minho blushes a little. He loves them so much.

“Minnie, can we move to the bedroom? I’d love to stay on your lap some longer but I’m sleepy” Jisung whines and Changbin rolls his eyes fondly.

“Of course, princess. Come on” Minho tugs him to his feet and Changbin stands up with them. They walk to the bedroom hand in hand. Minho’s bedroom is a little messy but not too bad, nowhere near the mess that is Jisung’s room. Minho usually keeps his place very tidy.

Jisung jumps on the bed and immediately makes himself comfortable under the covers, Minho and Changbin following him with little giggles.

Minho gets to be in the middle right now. He wraps around Changbin, needing his strong arms around him and Jisung happily hugs him from the back, kissing the back of his neck a few times.

“Love you” the youngest murmurs sleepily.

“Love you too,” Minho replies.

“I love you both too. Let’s try and catch some sleep” Changbin says at last and the only reply is a grunt from Jisung and a hum from Minho, signaling that they agree. It doesn’t take long at all for them to fall asleep.

They all wake up late seeing as it was almost 1 in the morning when they went to bed. Jisung can’t stay for lunch because he has a therapist appointment. Changbin called out of work so he’s able to spend the day with Minho and Jisung told them he’d come over after his appointment too.

Changbin and Minho both have their jobs. Jisung is currently unemployed. He was forced to quit his studies because of his substance abuse issues so he is planning to sign back up for his classes when the semester starts. He had several part-time jobs so he could at least make a living and save to get the money he needed for college.

He’s 25 right now which is not too old but he’s a little insecure about only doing his studies now. Changbin and Minho reassure him that it’s fine and that he still has time. He’s beyond grateful for them always staying by his side.

“Do you wanna go out for lunch or order in?” Changbin asks Minho when they’ve walked Sungie to the bus stop and they’re back in Min’s apartment.

“Order in. That walk to the bus stop already was a little much for today. I just feel like not being perceived today” Minho says. Changbin nods, he understands, of course, he always does.

“Alright. Are you craving anything?” Changbin asks, opening Uber Eats on his phone.

“Sushi maybe. It’s been a while since I’ve had sushi” Minho suggests. Changbin likes that idea. In the back of Minho’s mind, a voice is telling him not to eat but he’s able to ignore it, Changbin’s voice loud and clear and there to help.

They pick their food and intentionally order a little too much so Jisung can have some when he comes back. He probably will have eaten but they both know how much the younger loves sushi and they’d never live it down if he found out they had sushi without him and didn’t save him any.

They wouldn’t do that. Honestly, Changbin and Minho have a chill lunch and spend their time just cuddling and talking about how they’ve been.

Despite them calling each other more often now, it’s still been a while since they’ve actually met up.

The last time was right after Jisung’s relapse, he needed the two of them to stay with him so they could help him when he freaked out over failing. He kept calling it that. How he messed up, how he kept ruining things, it was a dark time for him and there had to be someone around him at all times.

Sometimes Changbin and Minho and sometimes his brother, sometimes Chan or Felix. Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin went to visit too but it was hard to ensure someone was always with him since they all have their own lives to tend to.

Jisung just made more appointments with his therapist and attended more rehab programs so he wouldn’t have to be alone with his thoughts. It helped him a lot.

Minho and Changbin are so proud of him for taking that step, getting help for himself, and recognizing that he needed it. He’s been doing so well too. He experiences so many withdrawal symptoms and still, he pulls through.

They catch his hands shaking or him trembling all over. In the beginning, he got sick often too and he feels nauseous often. He deals with insomnia too.

The day he first got sober again, Minho and Changbin were with him, he kept freaking out over noises that weren’t there and shadows he thought he saw, hallucinations haunting him. It freaked the two of them out to see Jisung go through that. He looked so scared and vulnerable.

The worst of the symptoms are over but he still has some. The effects that are still there are mostly manageable and therapy helps.

Jisung texts them when he’s on the bus and they decide to go wait for him there even when he insists he’s fine walking to Minho’s apartment by himself. They want to walk with him.

They don’t tell him they’re gonna be there so he’s surprised when he sees them when he gets off the bus. He rolls his eyes but he’s smiling so big, he’s clearly happy that they’re here anyway.

“You fools, you didn’t have to come here,” he says, but they don’t pay attention to his words and instead pull him closer to walk between them and hold their hands. His grin stays on his face, he loves them. Minho and Changbin love him a lot too.

“We wanted to, besides you always love it when we walk with you,” Changbin says fondly.

“I mean… yeah but that doesn’t mean that you have to, you were probably comfortable and then got up just to get me” Jisung argues just for the sake of it.

“Shut up and be grateful, brat” Minho rolls his eyes. Changbin chuckles while Jisung acts offended, they all know he isn’t.

He’s happy they’re there with him, he always feels safer and more comfortable when they’re with him. He hopes the other two feel the same when they’re with him.

They spend the rest of the day lazing around, cuddling, napping, and talking.

It’s clear that Jisung is pretty out of it, it’s to be expected; he’s always mentally exhausted after his appointments and programs. He doesn’t like to talk too long about what he’s been through, he always feels like he’s putting his problems on other people.

Minho and Changbin reassure him that he isn’t but also don’t push him to talk.

They understand. They always do.

“Sungie, you keep shivering, do you need a hoodie?” Minho asks when they’re all lying down.

They’re all in boxers and either a tank top or a t-shirt but Jisung is trembling in his t-shirt.

“No, not cold, just… itches” it’s his way of saying his body is telling him to drink, to relapse. He doesn’t like to outright say it.

“I know, princess. Come here” Minho pulls him closer, Changbin scoots closer too, caging Jisung in between them.

He shakes and twitches, fidgeting and squeezing his eyes shut. He clings to Minho, clutching his shirt in his hands.

“Hey, doll, look at me” Minho tilts his chin up. “You’re okay, love. I am here, Changbin is here. You are enough. You’re more than your body, you’re more than your addiction. You’re you and you’re perfect. I know it itches and I know your body and mind are screaming at you but we’re here to try and be louder than them, okay?”

Jisung nods, too overwhelmed to speak.

“Our beautiful princess, you’re amazing, Sungie. We love you a whole lot, never forget that” Changbin continues.

“L-love you too” Jisung manages to get out.

They soothe him more, patting his head, rubbing his stomach and back, putting their hands on his skin to ground him, to remind him that they’re there.

He falls asleep early, barely at 9 PM, but Changbin and Minho let him. They talk quietly, still hugging Jisung between them.

“He’s so strong, I don’t think he realizes how far he’s come” Changbin whispers sadly and he means it. Jisung has come so far from the boy he used to be. While intoxicated, he’d fuck around with every guy he saw, would get used and discarded for someone else to find and he’d let it all happen, forgetting about it the next day. He’d lash out and get angry when people told him to stop drinking. He’d pass out somewhere on the floor of a club or in someone else’s bedroom, sometimes he’d end up on the street somewhere, he was never really safe.

Minho and Changbin tried to be there, to protect him as much as they could but it was too much even for them. He wouldn’t tell them where he was going, didn’t want them to stop him, he wanted to feel good, and believed only the alcohol in his system could do that for him.

“He’s been through a lot, it’s amazing how he holds on. The way he reaches out and gets help, that takes courage. He sees his therapist, goes to all these programs, he opens up to people, I couldn’t imagine trying that hard to get better but he does and does it all so fearlessly. He says he’s scared, says he’s weak but he’s the bravest and strongest person I’ve ever met” Changbin continues, tears in his eyes. He’s always worried about Jisung, about his happiness and his health and he wants nothing more than to see Jisung achieve his goals and dreams.

“I agree,” Minho says, reaching for Changbin’s hand, “we’ll be here when he needs us, that’s all we can do for him. I wanna do more and I know you do too but that’s all we can do. Just like he’s here for us, we’re there for him. You’re here for me, I’m there for you. We care for each other, that’s all we’ll ever need”

Changbin nods, a tear finally spilling over his lash, and he sniffles.

“I love you, angel,” he whispers.

“I love you too, prince. Go to sleep, I think we both need it” Minho smiles even though Changbin can’t see. Changbin hums and squeezes his hand, shuffling a bit until he’s comfortable. Minho does too and then they fall asleep, all tangled up as per usual.

*

Jisung, of course, wakes up first, having slept so early. He makes no effort to move, happily trapped between his two favorite people.

He feels Changbin’s warm breath against his neck and his hands on his stomach, He feels Minho’s chin resting on top of his head as he’s nuzzled in his chest, one of Minho’s arms is laying over him and Changbin, his other under Jisung, holding him, it feels so secure, he wishes he never had to leave.

He’s beyond grateful for them, they make him feel like himself, like a person, in turn, he tries to support them when he can.

He tries to turn over so he can cuddle into Changbin and have Minho hug him from behind. Jisung loves hiding from the world while the two of them hold him.

When he finally manages to turn over, he makes no move to get up and just listens to Changbin’s heartbeat and their steady breathing.

He smiles and just lies there waiting for them to wake up, he hopes it’s soon, he wants to spend as much time with them as he can before they all have responsibilities to tend to again.

It’s Changbin who wakes up not much later and he smiles when he realizes Jisung is cuddled up to him, tracing shapes on his chest. He hasn’t realized Changbin is awake yet so Changbin pretends to be asleep for just a little longer to bask in the feeling.

“Morning, princess” he eventually whispers.

“Oh morning, prince. Did you sleep well?”

“Always when I’m with you” he replies cheesily, Jisung giggles. “How about you?”

“Same, I love when I can cuddle with you guys”

“Me too, Sungie” Changbin smiles, tugging him closer and squeezing him tight until Jisung is squirming to get out.

He lets go and they spend a few seconds just staring at each other.

“I hope Lino feels better” Jisung whispers.

“Me too, princess. I wish he could see how beautiful he is. I wish there was something we could do to stop those voices telling him these nasty things” Changbin whispers back.

“Mhm. He’s so stupidly gorgeous, he deserves to see it himself”

“He does, I think all we can do is be there for him and assure him that what those damn voices are telling him, isn’t true”

“You’re right, now cuddle me more” Jisung scoots closer again. Changbin smiles and gives him a kiss on his forehead. He uses one hand to play with Jisung’s hair because he knows the younger likes it, he nearly purrs like a kitten whenever Minho and Changbin do it.

He’s fucking adorable.

Minho wakes up about half an hour later, cutely yawning and blinking his eyes open, startling when he sees that Changbin and Jisung are both already looking at him.

“Oh, good morning” he smiles then.

“Morning, angel” Jisung turns around again to hug Minho.

“Goodmorning” Changbin also greets, smiling over Jisung’s shoulder.

“Jisungie, can I be in the middle now?” He pouts and how could Jisung ever say no to that so he nods and climbs over Minho with way more difficulty than necessary just to be annoying.

When they’ve finally succeeded, Changbin wraps Minho up in his embrace, giving him a forehead kiss too. Jisung drapes himself across his back.

Minho looks at Changbin from where he’s buried in his chest and Changbin feels a pang in his heart, Minho’s eyes are practically sparkling and it’s directed at him.

“God, angel, you’re gorgeous” Changbin whispers and he sounds so sincere it has Minho’s eyes shining with tears. He doesn’t say anything but his eyes convey everything he wants to.

Changbin understands and just pulls him impossibly closer.

When they eventually decide to get up, Jisung insists on making them breakfast even though they’ve laid in bed for so long it’s already near lunchtime, Minho and Changbin are skeptical because they can count on one hand the times they’ve seen Jisung cook anything other than instant ramen so they stay with him in the kitchen, just to make sure he doesn’t set Minho’s kitchen on fire.

He only cooks them eggs so not much can go wrong but you never know.

He manages to make them without any accidents and added some veggies and spices and it actually tastes better than they thought it would and Jisung is very proud of his little achievement and he’s constantly looking at the other two while eating, enjoying their compliments and hums of approval.

“When do you need to leave?” He asks Changbin, if Changbin is leaving soon, he might opt for a bus instead so he can spend a little more time with Minho before he goes.

He’s free for the day but he doesn’t know if Minho has to teach today, most of his classes are in the late afternoon and evening though so he’s pretty certain, there’s a good few hours left until then.

“I start work at 3 so probably around 2, are you coming with me?”

“Maybe? Minnie, do you have classes today?” he directs his attention to Minho now.

“Yes, only one at 6 today, the earlier one got canceled because 4 of the kids couldn’t make it” usually he has a class at 4 with 10 kids, they’re making a choreography for an upcoming showcase and they’re so far along, it’s kind of not worth it to teach a choreo meant for 10 to only 6 of them. The parents all agreed and so they canceled the class, which Minho is very glad about, he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle a bunch of 8 and 9-year-olds today.

“Can I stay until then or would you prefer I leave early with Binnie?”

“You can stay if you want, you always can. I could probably drop you off at home too so you don’t have to take a bus”

“Oh! I mean you don’t have to but I would like that” Jisung smiles sheepishly.

“I’ll drive you, no worries” Minho assures him and Changbin just smiles at them fondly, they’re so cute together (and separately too of course).

“Thank you, Minnie” Jisung grins.

They do the dishes together and then get dressed, they honestly just change sweatpants and put on a different hoodie, they still wanna be comfortable.

They each have their own set of clothes at the other’s apartments because of how often they have sleepovers when they hang out.

They spend the remaining time they have running and joking around, talking and giggling and cuddling.

Changbin has to leave way too soon but with a hug and a cheek kiss from both of them, he leaves with a flushed face.

Jisung plants himself in Minho’s lap when Changbin has left, he wants attention and Minho is all too happy to give him what he wants.

“What class do you teach later?”

“It’s a hip-hop class, teenagers between 16 and 18 so not too bad, most of them are pretty nice”

“Oh wait, you’ve told me about this, you’re doing the choreo to that one Chris Brown song, right?”

“That’s the one, it’s one of my favorites but it’s also a tiring one so I’m glad it’s only one class”

“Yeah, I understand that. Once I’m in a little bit of a better condition, I might join one of your classes in my age range. I wanna learn a bit more and I love seeing you dance and teach and just doing what you love” Jisung says and Minho is always so surprised when they say stuff like this so casually like he actually means this much to them and like that concept isn’t completely foreign.

“Actually?”

“Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone be so passionate about something like you are, it’s inspiring really and you just capture everyone’s attention so easily and you don’t even seem to realize just how fucking unreal you are” Jisung gushes and Minho doesn’t know how to react to words like that. They’re spoken so sincerely and he knows Jisung isn’t lying to him.

“Oh my god, shut up, I’ll cry”

“Nooo, don’t cry, angel. You deserve to hear how amazing you are every day so that you believe it without question”

Minho holds back his tears and just tackles Jisung into a hug.

“Thank you. I love you” he whispers. Jisung rubs his back soothingly.

“I love you too,” he says, just as softly.

The rest of the afternoon, they cuddle and talk among them. With how often they talk, it’s weird they still have stuff left to talk about.

A big part is also just spent in silence, the tv is on as background noise but they’re not paying attention, just cuddling. Jisung is playing a game on his phone and Minho is watching over his shoulder.

It all feels very domestic. A lot of the days Changbin, Jisung, and Minho spend together feel domestic.

The time to leave comes too soon, they wish they could stay in each other’s arms for the rest of eternity.

Minho drops Jisung off at home and Jisung gives him a kiss on the cheek before leaving the car and Minho’s pretty sure his blush stays the whole drive to the dance studio.

*

Jisung wonders.

He wonders if he’s ever going to get rid of his addiction.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to be him without a drink.

He wonders if anyone will ever see past his body.

He wonders if maybe what they told him was true. That no one would ever love him for anything other than his slim waist and petite physique.

He wonders if he’ll ever stop trembling.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to stand next to a man in public and not cower in fear when they look at him.

He wonders if someday he’ll be able to spend a day without thinking of his past, of his addiction, of his trauma.

Will the past ever not catch up to him and ruin his future.

He wonders if he’ll even have a future.

He wonders if he deserves that, a good future for himself after all he’s ruined.

He wonders if his parents will ever forgive him for the mistakes he’s made drunk out of his mind.

He wonders if he’ll ever be allowed near the boy his brother’s wife is pregnant with and not be seen as a threat.

He wonders if he can ever just be normal again.

He wonders why he isn’t seen as normal now, he’s clean and he’s trying so why?

Doesn’t he deserve happiness?

He wonders why he rarely ever feels happy anymore. He thought he’d feel better by now. He just wants to feel better.

He wonders if he’ll ever feel wanted, loved by someone like he so desperately craves.

He wonders if he’ll ever be okay while sober. He doesn’t feel okay now.

He wonders if his sobriety is worth the pain he’s in.

He wants a drink.

Stay sober.

Drink.

Stay sober.

Drink.

St-

No! Stop.

He wonders if it will ever not be a dilemma in his head.

He wonders if he’ll be able to stay sober without the itch under his skin begging him to get drunk.

Will he ever be able to live without even having to think about his sobriety?

He wonders if it will ever become automatic to turn down drinks at parties or to walk past the alcohol section in the grocery store without struggling.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to think of himself as strong. People at rehab tell him he is, he doesn’t think he believes them.

He feels weak because why can’t he just resist?

He wonders why it’s so hard to resist.

He’s been clean for so long before and he’s good on his way now, why doesn’t it get easier?

He just wants to be happy without being intoxicated.

*

Jisung is shaking, his body screaming at him to go get himself a drink. At a bar, or the local convenience store.

He knows he shouldn’t. It’s bad. He can’t.

|itchng

He doesn’t bother correcting his little typo. They’ll know.

|cb: i’m out of work soon

|mh: i’ll be right there, princess

Jisung breathes, they’ll be here. They’ll make him forget.

They help make the itch disappear without even having to try. He loves it when they hug him or cuddle him or hold his hands, it feels comforting.

He feels a little happier. A little less clouded.

Minho arrives soon enough, it seems like he came from the dance studio, judging from the way some of his hair clings to his forehead from sweat and he has a bag of clothes with him.

When he comes in, Jisung hugs him tightly even when Minho tries to push him off.

“I’m all sweaty, Sung,” he says but Jisung doesn’t care and clings to him, Minho gives up and hugs him back just as tightly. He can feel Jisung shake, full body shudders going through him and his body twitching a lot.

“I’m here, princess,” he whispers. Jisung just clings tighter. Tears are forming, tears he hadn’t even noticed he was holding back.

Minho pulls back and takes his face in his hands, looking at Jisung.

His hair looks greasy and messy, a sign of how long it’s been since Jisung felt good enough to shower.

He looks pale and he has bags under his eyes. His eyes twitch and blink rapidly and Minho can see the tears shining in them, threatening to fall and he can tell Jisung is holding it all in. He always does this, holding back from pouring it all out on Minho or Changbin or both.

Even his therapist tells him he needs to let go more, she’s there to help.

He always feels like a burden.

“Pretty princess. You can let them fall, I can see how hard you’re trying to hold everything in. Don’t, please. I’m here to care for you, let me” Minho says and that’s all that’s needed for Jisung to let out a weak sob. He falls forward into Minho, nearly collapsing onto the floor but Minho catches him, both physically and mentally.

Minho carries him to his bed, lying him down under the covers.

Jisung’s bedroom is a fucking mess and Minho can see a few bottles next to his bed. Jisung relapsed. The bottles look like they’ve been there for a while so it was probably a few days ago and Minho’s heart breaks a little when he thinks about Jisung alone, drinking because he doesn’t know what else to do.

He gets in bed with Jisung, only after changing into a new hoodie. He ignores the mess that’s Jisung’s room right now. They’ll clean it up later.

Jisung clings to him, sobbing and whimpering and thrashing around because his body has a mind of its own and he doesn’t have the power to control it. Minho holds him through all of it.

“There we go, princess. I’ve got you, it’s okay” he says softly. It’s good that Jisung has the opportunity to fully let go without the fear of relapsing or doing something stupid because Minho is there with him. He’s fine.

When the worst of Jisung’s breakdown has passed, Changbin arrives and Minho gets up to go open the door for him quickly.

They come back to the bedroom and Jisung is still crying and whimpering and they both feel their hearts break into a million pieces seeing him like that, all vulnerable and scared, he looks so small, almost like a kid.

They both get in the bed on either side of him and Jisung clings to Changbin’s shirt when he finds him. He recognizes the material under his hands to be Changbin’s work shirt.

His eyes are closed, he doesn’t open them to confirm.

Changbin lets him fumble with his shirt while he strokes his hair, scratching a little behind his ears, the way he knows Jisung likes.

Minho draws random shapes on his back under the hoodie Jisung is wearing and it tickles a little but it feels good too and he calms down until he’s stopped crying.

Even then they don’t stop and Jisung enjoys it. Basking in their affection.

He doesn’t wanna speak, just wants them to be here, to keep him company in whatever way.

He doesn’t care.

He opens his eyes to finally look at Changbin.

He looks good, although a little tired from work. Jisung understands. Changbin works in a restaurant, a high-end one with a lot of people who feel entitled to a lot of things because of their money. It’s not always pleasant.

The hospitality industry is not always an easy field to work in, especially when most of the customers are middle-aged rich people who feel better than everyone they come across.

Jisung reaches up to tame Changbin’s hair from where it sticks up a little. It doesn’t work.

Changbin smiles, looking at Jisung with undeniable heart eyes, Jisung has yet to notice but when his eyes trail down from his hair to his eyes and finds Changbin already looking into his, he startles just a little, and then he smiles, just a little as a late greeting.

“Hey, princess” Jisung thinks his heart skips a beat at Changbin’s gentle smile and the soft tone he uses while speaking.

Jisung doesn’t answer, he doesn’t think he can. Just lets out a little hum in acknowledgment. He closes his eyes again, letting them take care of him without protest, trying to not feel like a burden for it.

He needs to repeat it to himself, that he deserves them.

It’s a constant battle to believe it, his mind makes it difficult to believe it.

His mind just repeats the word burden. That’s what he is.

Except he isn’t with Minho and Changbin. They tell him that and they’re louder than his mind is so it’s easier to believe when he’s with them.

They just make it all a little easier.

They’re not the solution to his addiction or the mental illness that comes with that but they do make it easier to find the solution, to be motivated enough to get better.

He wants to get better, if not for himself, for them.

They all want to get better, it helps that they’re not alone.

“Thank you, for being here and helping. I’m sorry I relapsed”

“It’s okay, princess. It happens, this doesn’t erase all the progress you’ve made” Changbin tells him with a forehead kiss.

Jisung will his mind to agree, he still made progress and is making progress, he was sober for 8 months before, he can do that again.

“Hey, Jisungie, is it okay if I go shower? I feel gross” Minho asks.

“Yeah, of course, towels are in the basket by the door”

Minho grabs clean and comfy clothes and a towel and goes shower.

Jisung and Changbin cuddle up but stay silent, only the sound of their breathing and the running water can be heard.

“Binnie?” Jisung speaks up after a few minutes.

“Yes, princess?”

“I love you. I know I’ve been ignoring your calls and texts and I’m sorry” Jisung says and he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears again. He just feels so bad for ignoring them even if it was his mental health that held him back.

“It’s fine, princess. We know it’s not always easy to reply. Minho and I, sometimes we don’t reply either and that’s okay. If you don’t feel like replying, you don’t have to” Changbin reassures him that he’s fine like he has countless times before.

Jisung doesn’t reply, he doesn’t have to.

Minho is back from his shower soon.

“You’re so pretty” Jisung blurts out, Minho is so so pretty with his wet hair and his shirt clinging to his stomach from where he wasn’t fully dry when he put it on.

“Shut up, no I’m not” Minho turns red completely.

“Yes, you are, the prettiest and cutest angel,” Changbin says now, as much adoration in his eyes as in Sungie’s.

Minho gets in bed with them and hides his face in Jisung’s shoulder, whining at them for making him blush, it makes the other two giggle.

Changbin goes to shower next so Jisung turns around in Minho’s hold, wrapping around him.

“Are you okay now, princess?”

“Yes, it’s better with you and Binnie here. The itch is still there but I’m able to ignore it now, I can focus on you now” he explains.

“That’s good. I’m glad we can help”

“You always do”

The three of them together are perfect.

It’s not only Jisung who is helped, Changbin and Minho are too.

They all struggle.

Jisung struggles with substance abuse and depression, Minho struggles with a past eating disorder and body dysmorphia, Changbin struggles with depression, anxiety, and paranoia.

They struggle but they also have a great support system.

A messy little trio. It’s not perfect but it’s enough. They’re enough.

Changbin comes back into the room and he’s just as pretty as Minho in this state. He also gets back into bed with them.

It’s then that it hits Jisung. He doesn’t only love them, he’s in love with them.

And it’s not at all surprising because they’re so loveable.

He thinks about it and realizes that he might have been in love with them for longer than he can even remember. Really, how could he not have been when they were always right there?

They’ve been there since high school. They knew him before the addiction, loved him before, and never stopped like so many other people did.

They didn’t leave when it became hard to stay by his side when he was unstable and unsafe.

Changbin and Minho have held him safe in their strong arms whenever they could and he’s beyond grateful.

He’s in love and instead of getting scared, he just thinks the words over. He wants to tell them.

He needs to, even if they don’t return his feelings. He’s confident that they’ll stay. They’ve stayed with him through everything and he sees no possibility that this would be the thing that does it.

“Angel, prince” his voice is weak, he is telling them now, he might never otherwise.

“Yes?” They both reply.

“I’m… in love with you, both of you,” he says, closing his eyes, waiting for rejection.

“Princess, look at me” it’s Minho. Jisung timidly opens his eyes to look at him. Minho takes his face in his hands.

“I’m in love with you too, both of you” he smiles and they both look at Changbin now, who has tears in his eyes.

“Me too. I have been since high school” Changbin says, a tear slipping. Jisung’s eyes get wide, since high school and he’s never stopped. He waited so long for them.

“I realized about 2 minutes ago but I think I have been for much longer” Jisung chuckles at his own stupidity, his heart feels full.

“I think I knew when you two sent me that picture at that lake. Sungie smiling super wide with his arm around Changbin, completely soaked and obviously annoyed but a timid smile on his face either way. You don’t know this but I was feeling the worst and that picture just made it so much better” Minho tells them and they both smile at the memory.

Jisung and Changbin had been on a trip and went to that lake. Changbin had poked Jisung’s stomach and Jisung had pushed him not with the intention of pushing him in the water but it happened anyway. Jisung had apologized but still laughed when Changbin crawled out, running after him.

They’d asked someone else there to take a picture of them just so they could send it to Minho. Minho hadn’t been able to join because of work.

He replied instantly to their picture with a selfie of his own.

“I’m happy we could do that. So… will you guys be my boyfriends now?” Jisung asks, impatiently, he doesn’t wanna waste another second.

“Yes, of course,” Changbin replies first.

“Yes, princess. Can I kiss you?” Minho asks and Jisung nods.

Minho kisses him softly and Jisung needs a few seconds to process before he’s kissing back.

Minho’s lips are soft and Jisung brings his hands up to tangle in his wet hair, Minho holds Jisung’s face. Jisung’s lips taste a bit salty from the tears that were all over his face earlier but it’s perfect.

They pull away smiling. Hearts beating rapidly.

“My turn now,” Changbin says and Jisung turns around. Changbin immediately crashes their lips together, it’s a little more eager but not any less good.

Jisung leans into it, one of his hands on Changbin’s neck and the other on his bicep. Changbin has one of his hands on the back of his neck and the other cupping his chin.

When they pull apart, Changbin leans over Jisung to kiss Minho and Jisung stares at them. He has two boyfriends now! Who would’ve thought?

This is not what he expected to happen when he reached out earlier but he feels very happy that it did.

Minho and Changbin pull away from each other too.

“Wow” Minho whispers.

“Wow” Jisung agrees and Changbin giggles.

They wrap around each other in a mess of limbs and kiss some more before putting on a movie.

Minho and Changbin are too busy staring at Jisung to pay attention and Jisung is thinking about his two boyfriends and how happy they make him and all their memories together so he doesn’t know what the movie is about either but it doesn’t matter.

He looks at Changbin to find him staring back already and pecks him on the lips before doing the same to Minho.

“You make me feel so safe;” he says and directs it to the both of them.

“Good, we’ll keep you safe. Can we go to sleep now? I’m tired” Changbin says. He's tired from work and it’s getting pretty late.

The other two nod.

They all exchange kisses and cuddle up.

“I love you,” Minho says.

“I love you” Changbin and Jisung both follow.

Life is hard and they all struggle but having the other two makes things just a little bit easier.

They do a lot of wondering but they never have to wonder if they’re alone. They always have each other.