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Stephen doesn’t know what he’s doing. Not a damn clue.
He wasn’t that sibling who parented the others, didn’t go to his colleagues children’s birthday parties, definitely wasn’t the favourite uncle, except for the five minutes, he imagined, while his nieces and nephews opened their Christmas cards to find hundred dollar bills from their uncle they’ve never met.
So to say Stephen had no experience with kids was an understatement. To suddenly be raising a sixteen year old kid- a hazardous situation at best.
But he just couldn’t help himself.
Peter Parker should come with a warning. Not his ward my ass, Stephen found himself thinking constantly. It wasn’t possible to know Peter and not feel protective over the kid, to not be drawn in by the big, brown puppy eyes. He pulled at every one of the heart strings Strange swore he didn’t have.
It was one afternoon, just one call from Peter, ‘I didn’t know who else to call,’ and Stephen knew what that meant. The man Pete usually called for help was no longer here to pick up, and maybe it was the guilt Stephen felt over allowing the man to walk straight into death, maybe it was because he too was alone, but he answered, and he fought alongside the kid, he didn’t have it in his heart to leave the boy alone.
Stephen had invited him back to the Sanctum after the fight, ‘I’ll teach you how to properly clean your injuries. It’s important when you heal so fast that you don’t have bacteria stuck in the wounds.’ He didn’t know why he was clinging on to Peter, each time the boy went to go, Stephen had an excuse for him to stay.
After that, Peter had become a regular face around the Sanctum, and Stephen didn’t mind one bit- not that he’d say so out loud. Sometimes he’d watch Peter quickly do homework at the kitchen counter while he made a cup of tea. Other times, Stephen would be meditating when Peter came round, and the boy would crash on the couch and read until Stephen’s astral form returned to his body.
Peter was curious, he talked a lot, but he didn’t touch, and Stephen could live with that. It was actually quite nice to talk to someone else as amazed by the Sanctum artefacts as he was- not that he’d ever admit it out loud. Stephen wouldn’t let it show when he answered all the kids questions.
A number of months in, Stephen found himself quietly very fond of the boy in the spider suit, and maybe that was why he let the kid talk him into letting Peter invite his friends over for a tour of the Sanctum one Tuesday afternoon.
“I think that’s your Spiderling,” Wong looked up from a book as the energy in the Sanctum shifted.
Stephen would admit to no one, not even Wong, that he could tell when Peter was around- he felt it, had familiarised himself with it. He knew for sure Peter was upstairs, because he knew Peter’s energy inside and out.
“He’s not mine,” Stephen grumbled, saving face,
“Sure,” Wong nodded.
Stephen chose not to bite at the bait, and instead called for the cloak. With it sat firmly on his shoulders, Stephen made his way up and out towards the foyer, not waiting for Wong to follow, trying to ignore the new fondness he felt when he knew Peter was close, the want to see the kid smile at the end of a hard or bad day.
He could hear Peter’s excited rambling the moment he broke out into the hall, conversing with another overexcitable voice. Stephen rolled his eyes, he should’ve known Peter’s friends would be just as energetic, if not more wound up than the Spider-Man himself. Stephen suddenly remembered he didn’t actually like kids, Peter was just an exception, and this was going to be a very long afternoon if Peter’s friends wanted to talk.
Peter was already immersed in his job as tour guide, and Stephen’s cold, dead heart almost awakened as he listened to Pete give the tour almost word for word the way Stephen would. At lease someone around here actually listened to him. Stephen turned to give Wong a smug look as he caught up.
Stephen then gained the attention of the three students as he stepped into the room, Peter faltering in his teachings. Stephen noticed his cheeks tint a little pink, and less enthusiastic than he had been when Strange could hear him from the hall, he mumbled an introduction.
“Oh, that’s just Stephen.”
And his heart sank.
It read clear on his face, and Stephen scrambled for his composure, for those walls that did so well to protect him. He knew Wong had seen it, but Stephen wasn’t supposed to feel anything, so he did his best to keep his face straight, nodding to the two teenagers.
“Hello,”
“Hey, Doctor Strange!” The boy grinned wide at him, accompanied by a wild wave,
The girl, less enthusiastic, also gave him a few more seconds of her attention, “hey.”
Peter had dragged them off down another hall just a moment later, and Stephen was glad he’d been given a quick escape. He knew Wong had something to say, the man had even reached out towards him, but Stephen was half way back down the hallway he’d come from.
He wasn’t thinking clearly as he opened a portal, and it wasn’t until he was all alone, on his knees in a field of grass, Stephen recognised the lake by the Stark’s cottage. The lake they’d said goodbye to Tony in.
Pepper and Morgan had moved back to the city, just in time for Morgan to prepare to start school, so Stephen was all alone, in the middle of nowhere with nothing but his thoughts. He couldn’t make sense of any of it, couldn’t understand why he’d brought himself here of all places.
Maybe it was because he knew Tony understood. He didn’t mean to let Peter in either, wasn’t good with relationships- romantic or platonic- just like Stephen evidently. It figures, the one time Stephen actually feels himself gaining compassion and affection for another person, it isn’t returned.
“I wish you’d warned me about him,” Stephen found himself saying out loud, “you know I never wanted to be a Dad…”
It was true. The whole idea of it never appealed to Stephen. He still hadn’t figured out, if he didn’t want children of his own, why he felt so drawn to and responsible for this one, who he’d known mere months. That was just the Peter Parker effect, he supposed. Tony knew all about that, the kids Aunt May, too.
“I’m not good at it,” Strange said with a bit of bite, “the kid doesn’t even like me.”
It was relieving, in an odd way. Talking to Tony felt better than he thought it would. The only ears that wouldn’t judge him, that wouldn’t contradict him. My how things had changed… Stephen closed his eyes and felt the sun on his face for the first time in forever. Birds chirped in the distance, the gentle breeze over the lake lapped at the slow tide. It was peaceful, beautiful- he hoped Tony was happy here.
Stephen laid down in the grass, and entertained a butterfly for a few moments. It was striking, a bright red like he’d never seen before. It was comfortable with him, as though it greeted an old friend, settled on the tip of his fingers as it’s wings fluttered to a lazy rhythm. Stephen just stared at his companion, for a brief moment, content, he found himself with more to say.
“I guess this is what I get for pushing everyone away. Karma’s a bitch and all that… you don’t even know what I’m saying, do you?” Stephen watched the butterfly, “lucky you… this is why I don’t get attached.”
The creature turned, as though to look at him and Stephen questioned his sanity when he considered actually conversing with the creature. The butterfly flew then, and Stephen thought ‘yeah, you would leave.’ He hadn’t expected at all that the butterfly would land on his nose, wings lazy as ever as they flit back and forth slowly.
“Don’t you have friends to go back to?” Stephen asked.
Stephen watched a moment more, then closed his eyes, and let the creature be. It was harmless after all, and who knew, maybe it would share some life-changing wisdom with him. Weirder things have spoken to him these past few years.
“I just…” Stephen found himself sulking once more, seriously questioning his sanity, “it was nice to mean something again, you know… outside of sorcery. Arguing over sandwiches and talking about textbooks and college… I guess I liked Peter’s company… the sanctum can get lonely day in, day out.”
Stephen shifted uncomfortably admitting that out loud. Even though he knew he had no audience, they were far more vulnerable words than he had ever spoken into existence. He flicked the hem of the Cloak as it tried to cuddle him.
He felt the butterfly walk over his cheek, and when it started to tickle a little too much, he picked it up on the tip of his finger again.
“…Maybe we’re not so different, you and me…” he looked at the butterfly.
He knew the longer he stayed away, the longer his lecture from Wong. While the man had proven himself more than capable of filling the role of sorcerer supreme during the blip, Wong still didn’t like Stephen to abandon his duties.
Stephen figured it was the fear of loneliness, that Wong too wouldn’t own up to. Five years was a long time to be the only living person in the Sanctum night in, night out. Stephen wouldn’t quite diagnose him on the separation anxiety spectrum, but Wong definitely carried a trauma from the snap.
Stephen also didn’t want this to get blown out of proportion, he had no intention of explaining his feelings to Wong. He didn’t need a scene made. A misunderstanding had occurred is all, Stephen’s heart attaching where it shouldn’t, and they need not point it out. It was best he got back before Wong came looking, that way he could hide in his room under the guise of meditation, or a nap, or study.
“I hope for your sake you’re smarter than me, butterfly.”
He ushered it away gently, though the creature refused to leave for a few moments more. Stephen was sure he was insane when he put on his best glare and stared at the butterfly until it gave up and flew away. Then, he got up, and watched it move over the water.
In the future, he might return. He could see why the Stark’s had moved by the lake in the first place- it was quiet, peaceful, and it just felt good. Stephen felt comfortable there, protected, hidden away from the carnage of the rest of the world.
It was exactly where Tony deserved to rest.
“Goodbye, Tony,” Stephen looked over the lake, “tell Steve he’s an idiot for screwing up his timeline.”
Stephen turned, opened a portal, and returned to the sanctum, straight to the comfort of his bed, allowing Cloak to find Wong and let the man know they’d arrived home.
~~~
Peter couldn’t believe his luck when Stephen had agreed to let Ned and MJ come and tour the Sanctum. He thought it’d be a long shot asking, that it would take months of begging. A graduation present, perhaps? However, the man had given in without a fight, and though suspicious until they stepped foot in the front door, Peter was more than excited to show his friends around the magical palace.
He’d come to spend a lot of time at the sanctum. He enjoyed the mystery of it all, the truth in the fairytales. It was also nice to see Stephen, the man who reminded him so much of Tony, who was yet still so different.
He wasn’t as close to Stephen as he’d been with Tony, not for lack of wanting to be. Stephen had a very protective feeling to him, Peter felt safe the moment he walked into the sanctum and had been cleaned up by the Doc, and he wanted more of it.
He could sense the man’s loneliness, and truth be told, Peter didn’t expect it to be so hard to get close to the man. Every time Peter tried to squeeze in the cracks between those walls he put up, they sealed up tight. After a few weeks, Peter had eased up on the trying, getting the hint that Stephen didn’t want to be unraveled. He wasn’t as easy to crack as Tony had been.
Peter hoped time would fix that. He’d be patient, but he hoped Stephen felt safe with him too. They spent a lot of time together. Stephen might not be opening up to him, but he wasn’t leaving either. He always asked when Pete would visit next, and that reassured Peter most days, that he wasn’t the annoying kid who hung around where he wasn’t welcome.
Other days, the bad days, Peter found it hard to navigate Stephen’s behaviour. It was hard not to just push him away. He hated that a lot of the times Peter pulled back, was when Stephen started letting him in. They couldn’t seem to ever be on the same page the two of them, one always not ready when the other was trying.
He hoped one day it’d all line up, but he’d stopped pushing for it. If it was meant to happen, it would in its own time. Peter couldn’t expect anything grand from the sorcerer when he was probably only sticking around because he felt responsible for Peter now that Tony was gone. Some days, Peter wanted to scream at him that he wasn’t a child that needs to be babysat, but he also appreciated the sorcerer looking out for him regardless of the why.
Knowing Stephen didn’t particularly like company in the sanctum, even less children, Peter chose not to make a big deal with Ned and MJ there. A quick introduction would do just fine- no area’s left open for questioning or harassing the sorcerer. Peter didn’t want to get them kicked out and start from the beginning with Stephen all over again.
The lack of words in greeting from the sorcerer had Peter thinking he’d done the right thing. Stephen was happy to watch them walk by, he didn’t follow or usher them another way. Peter kept moving because he thought it was what Stephen wanted- Pete had found himself rather fiercely protective of what Stephen wanted.
He was usually misunderstood by other people, but not by Peter, or so Pete thought.
After Ned and MJ had left, Peter made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies before he went in search of Stephen. He hoped he was still welcome at the later hour, he wanted to spend some time with Stephen before he went home to Happy and May. He always felt better, lighter after spending time with Stephen.
He hadn’t expected Wong to corner him in the kitchen, an almost pained look on his face, which Peter chose to ignore- he was probably just stressed with a Karma-Jaj issue.
“Hey, Kid,” the sorcerer started,
“Hey, Wong!”
“Think we can talk a minute?”
“Yeah, of course, what’s up?”
Wong looked a little torn, and it took him some time to choose his words. Peter was happy to wait patiently, but the more seconds that passed, the more nervous he got.
His mind whirled over the tour he’d taken Ned and MJ on, he’d told them not to touch anything, he didn’t think they’d disturbed anything Strange always warned him about. He made sure they weren’t too loud, or interrupted any classes.
“You upset Strange,”
“What?”
That wasn’t what Peter had prepared himself to hear, and he was a little speechless as he and Wong stared at each other. He didn’t understand what had gone wrong, he’d asked Stephen for permission before he brought Ned and MJ, he’d made sure they followed all the rules while they were there. He thought he’d done everything right.
“I don’t understand-“
“That thing you said to your friends- ‘that’s just Stephen’.”
It didn’t dawn on Peter until it hit him like a tonne of bricks. He’d brought his friends into Stephen’s home, and that was all the sorcerer got. At the time, Peter thought it was what Stephen wanted, quick introductions and to leave him alone, but he could see now his mistake. Stephen deserved a little more that that- an introduction by his correct title for starters!
“I should’ve said Doctor Strange- I should’ve asked him if he wanted to join-“
“No, Peter-“ Wong cut him off, taking a breath before explaining, “you pushed him away… okay, Strange checks the clock every ten minutes on days he knows you’re coming over, he only buys those stupid cookies in the cupboard for you… all he ever talks about outside of sorcery anymore is you… you mean a lot to him, and he thought he was more than just Sorcerer Supreme to you.”
Peter had to pause on that a moment. Of course Stephen was more than just his powers to Peter, he was more than a battle ally, he thought he’d made that quite clear by still hanging around, even when Stephen gave him almost nothing in return. It was Stephen that Peter struggled to be more than Spider-Man with… he was pretty sure…
“But… I thought he… I thought he didn’t like me hanging around all the time,”
“Why would he let you bring your friends here if he didn’t like you?”
“To save the argument… I thought…”
Oh god, how could Peter fuck up so badly?
“He cares about you a lot, Pete, he just doesn’t know how to show it. No one taught him to, so you’ve gotta show him how it’s done…”
The words swam around in Peter’s head, giving him a new perspective to every encounter they’d ever had. Perhaps it wasn’t Stephen was pushing him away, rather his unfamiliarity with drawing in closer. Maybe all this time, it was Peter who had the walls in the way.
“Where is he?”
“He went out for a bit, but he’s in bed now,”
“Can I go see him?”
“I think he’d really like it if you did.”
Wong lead him to a room Peter had never seen before. He didn’t get close, pointing Peter to the doorway from the edge of the hall, letting the kid to go himself. Peter’s palms had gone sweaty with nerves, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to fix this, but he definitely didn’t want to lose it.
There was guilt, but bigger than that, there was excitement. Peter always worried he was a burden on the sorcerer, that he took up space he wasn’t welcome to. To hear Wong say that Stephen wanted him there settled a number of Peter’s anxieties, even if it was just a sense of responsibility that Stephen felt now that Tony was gone.
Peter walked up to Stephen’s bedroom alone, knocking gently on the door before he let himself in.
At first, Peter thought the man was asleep, but then he tensed, as though he could feel the teen there, and he knew he’d been caught out when the Cloak raced over. Peter spared it a gentle caress to the collar, and seemingly satisfied, and happy to let him enter, the Cloak flew back to its spot at the other side of the room.
Peter took a shaky breath before he stepped forward, calling out to the man as he walked around to the end of the bed.
“Stephen?”
The man startled, “hmm?”
“I think I said something really stupid, and I wanna fix it,”
“You need the time stone?”
“No, I mean with you.”
Peter hesitated, then crawled up the end of the bed. He was careful, and kept a couple feet distance between himself and Stephen when he collapsed beside the man. He didn’t want to invade his space, Peter knew Stephen didn’t get close with anyone, but Pete’s strength was affection, everyone knew it, and he wanted to show Stephen that he too, considered the man important in his life.
“When I said earlier you were just Stephen… I didn’t mean the ‘just’ like that- I mean, I did, but only because I thought you thought of me as ‘just Peter.’ And I didn’t want you to feel like I thought of you as someone who had to take care of me. I didn’t want to trap you in that burden just because Mr. Stark-“
“Tony has nothing to do with how I feel about you,” Stephen cut him off, “you’re far from a burden, Peter,”
“He doesn’t?”
“No,”
“Then why do you stick around?”
Stephen seemed to consider his answer, and Peter knew, because it was like looking in a mirror sometimes, that Stephen was likely picking very carefully how truthful he was willing to be. Peter waited patiently with the silent hope.
“Because I like teaching you,” Stephen answered some time later, “you remind me that there is a world outside these four walls, and I was once a doctor, and I don’t want Sorcerer Supreme to be the last thing I am either- if I’m lucky-“
“What do you want to be?” Peter wondered,
“…I don’t know…”
“We’ll figure it out,” Peter shrugged,
“You’re pulling away from me… every time I’m sure you want to be here, you push me away, and I don’t know how to tell if you’re coming or going,” Stephen suddenly admitted, “and I don’t know if I’m supposed to reach out to you or not.”
Peter felt the weight in it. This was a level of vulnerable Stephen had probably never been in front of someone else before, that’s why it came out so rushed. Peter had finally broken that wall down, and suddenly, he realised that he’d done half the work building that wall in the first place. It upset him to know, but he could see what Stephen saw now.
He didn’t want to go pointing fingers or shifting the blame, but he needed Stephen to know what he saw too, otherwise they’d never get past this.
“I guess I always push you away because I thought you didn’t want me,” Peter felt a tear slip over the bridge of his nose,
“God, Peter, no,” Stephen stressed, wiping the tear with his thumb, “No, that’s not it at all,”
“I just get really attached to people. And it’s not your job to take care of me-“
“Yes, it is,” Stephen argued, “that’s exactly my job, Peter. Keeping you safe is the number one priority,”
“Why?”
“Because you’re good. Better than me, or Stark, or any other one of the Avengers,”
“So we agree we’re friends and it has nothing to do with Tony or occupational favours?”
“Yes,” Stephen nodded,
“Why couldn’t we just say that months ago before we hurt each other this much?”
“Because we’re still human.”
Strange said it like it explained everything, and maybe it did. They fought far more dire battles, yet this one had seemed to hurt the most. It was crazy that the most easily solved problems in life seemed to end up most complicated.
“Cuddle?”
Peter reached out only a little, and Stephen rearranged them so their arms were comfortable, pulling Peter in close to his chest. The teenager willingly went where he was moved, sinking into the offered affection and burying his nose in Stephen’s neck, relaxing in the strong arms around him.
“I’m not good at this…” Stephen said, “I know I’m not… so if you want something, you have to ask for it…”
“This is good,” Peter nodded against his shoulder, “you’re good… do you want this?”
“It’s nice,” Stephen nodded a moment later,
“First time?” Peter concluded,
“I never really got close to anyone before…”
“But you’re close to people now? Wong and-“
“Sure,” Stephen said, seemingly to only ease Peter’s concerns, but the teen let it slide.
Instead, he squeezed Stephen tighter, and nuzzled into the fabric of his shirt. Stephen had an odd smell to him- not a bad one, but it was different from a person’s usual washing powder or soaps and colognes. Stephen smelt like old, earthy smoke, and book pages, how Peter would imagine an old grand library in an abandoned castle. If the smell had a feel, it would be comfort and home. It wasn’t all that different to how Mr. Stark smelt.
“You knew, didn’t you,” Peter said out of the blue, “that it would be Tony.”
For the briefest of seconds, Stephen tightened his grip with an almost suffocating strength, then relaxed, as though he expected Peter would flee with his next words, and this would be the last moment he’d ever have the boy’s companionship.
“Yes,”
“Did it hurt?”
“You mean the radiation-“
“No. I mean did it hurt to know. To let him do it,”
“Every day…” Stephen’s voice was quiet, “if I had more time, if I knew- if I could read, talk to Dr. Banner and Dr. Cho. To the elders- maybe we could’ve found a way. But I didn’t have time…”
“You still think about how you could’ve saved him?” Peter was a little surprised.
He’d never doubted that the sorcerer wouldn’t have made the decision lightly, knew he’d have felt something along the lines of grief or guilt at some point, but Peter hadn’t expected to hear that the man still thought about it. Peter understood, no mater how gruesome, Stephen’s duty was to the universe, and if they only had one way, it was his job to direct them to it. Ultimately, it was Tony’s decision, and Peter knew why he made it, it wasn’t his place to judge that.
“It drives me insane sometimes,”
“Did you do that with patients you lost while a surgeon,” Peter wondered,
“More with colleagues patients, how I would’ve done better, but yes… when I lost a patient, I couldn’t stop reliving it until I perfected it. It’d haunt me for a while, but never like this,”
“You spent thousands of years with Tony though, right? Fourteen million life times. You’d have known him better than any of us. I think it’s fair to grieve… sorry I never checked in on you.”
Stephen’s hold tightened on him again, though this time he didn’t let go. One of the sorcerers hands moved to the back of Peter’s head, holding him close and steady- as if the teenager wanted to move now that he finally got Stephen where he wanted. Pete wouldn’t do anything to discourage or prematurely end this vulnerability the Doctor had awarded him.
“You’re supposed to be the kid- I’m supposed to take care of you-“
“Don’t do that with me,” Peter ordered, looking at the sorcerer, “we fought the end of the world together, you don’t get to reduce me to just a kid- you and I both know I don’t have the luxury of feeling like a normal seventeen year old…”
“I’m sorry… but I am supposed to take care of you,” Stephen argued,
“Why don’t we agree to take care of each other and call it a day… I’m tired,”
Stephen put on a pout, “aw, was it hard work being a tour guide?”
“Don’t make fun of me,” Peter hit him gently in the shoulder, “and yes. And school was shit,”
“Tell me about it,” Stephen accepted Peter back when he snuggled up close again.
The rest of the afternoon wasted away as Peter complained to the sorcerer, who listened intently and stroked his hair. Stephen’s shaking hands were a great comfort to Peter, and he was so glad that wasn’t the last time he’d get to be so close to the sorcerer, their cuddle sessions growing more and more frequent the more they opened up to one another.
They filled the space when neither of them could put words together to tell the other how they felt, and after a while, Peter thought Tony would approve of Stephen taking care of him, even if it was with magic.