Chapter Text
there are two cars speeding down the road. baal is driving one of them. zhongli is in the passenger seat talking about osmanthus wine. venti is screaming a sea shanty at the top of his lungs. ei is plotting a murder. yanfei is driving the other one. ganyu is asleep in the passenger seat. cloud retainer is screaming about how she came up with the basic principle for a car engine five thousand years ago and should therefore be driving the car. xiao is edgily but effortlessly annoyed.
they pull up to the mcdiluc’s. the cashier is diluc. what will you be having, he says. his voice is flat, like his facial expressions. venti vanishes into thin air. i will have order, says zhongli. slash threat, says xiao from the other car. he’ll have chicken nuggets and a medium fries, says baal, helpfully.
we don’t have chicken nuggets, says diluc. we only have rocks, says diluc, with his facial expressions like a rock.
they get out of the car. oh god not you guys again, says the traveler, who is eating a hamburger inside the mcdiluc’s. where did the tone deaf bard go, says paimon.
zhongli picks up a rock from the ground. ah yes a freshly unearthed rock, he says. fascinating.
it is a completely normal rock. he pockets it.
hold on that’s ours, says diluc. we’re selling it. if you want it you have to pay for it.
ah, says zhongli. of course. he takes out his wallet. he opens it. it is empty.
it appears i have forgotten to bring mora, says zhongli. do not worry. i have no need of it. though all mora is currency, not all currency is mora. i can pay you in other means. he hops over the counter and goes to the kitchen.
no you have to cook it like this, zhongli says, canonically. slash threat, says xiao, noncanonically. zhongli begins adding rocks to the french fries. they were already excellent french fries but somehow this makes them taste even better. it is alright. he has permission from the cook.
the cook is xiangling. xiangling looks out the door and sees cloud retainer.
holy shit, says xiangling.
suddenly there are chicken nuggets on the menu. before it was just rocks. like diluc’s facial expressions.
cloud retainer is gone.
kaeya walks in. i am not fucking dealing with this shit today, says diluc, taking off his mcdiluc’s hat and shoving it onto zhongli’s head. he dives underneath the counter. his facial expression never changes.
i will have your order, says zhongli to the customers. slash threat, says xiao, appearing from inside the cash register. you will suffer the wrath of the rock, says zhongli, adjusting his hat. slash threat, says xiao, into the drive through microphone.
there is no drive through. the cars are gone. cloud retainer tried to drive again and she crashed them.
can i get some alcohol, says kaeya. this is a fucking mcdiluc’s, says zhongli. second shelf from the right, says diluc from underneath the counter, quietly so kaeya doesn’t hear. he is not very quiet because his voice is exactly the same as it always is, but kaeya is flipping his coin that is not the one he is going to pay with, he has a special coin for this, and he does not hear.
why the fuck do you have alcohol, says zhongli. we don’t, says diluc. zhongli finds the bottle. it is poison. i hate alcohol, says diluc.
i can make it worse, says zhongli, adding rocks to the poison. i once learned of an incredibly potent poison that can be made by adding these rocks to the poison you have. slash threat, says xiao.
where is my alcohol, says kaeya.
inazuma shines eternal, says ei, helpfully.
i made a fish burger, says xiangling. zhongli screams. it has slime in it, says xiangling. oh, says zhongli. he eats it. i would add more slime, says zhongli, to further accentuate the taste of the fish. there is a ruin not far from here where hydro slimes spawn; hydro-infused slime concentrate is especially effective at bringing out the texture of seafood. noted, says xiangling. she disappears back into the kitchen.
are you the reason why everything she makes has fucking slime concentrate in it, says diluc. do not denigrate the imagination and creativity of the greatest chef in liyue harbor, says zhongli. i merely offer guidance.
i have been here for twenty minutes, says kaeya.
here’s your alcohol, says zhongli, giving kaeya the paper cup full of rocks. why are there rocks, says kaeya. it’s rock salt, says zhongli, unconvincingly. alcohol on the rocks, says baal, helpfully. okay, says kaeya. he drinks the poison. he gets drunk. it is actually alcohol.
where did you get the poison, says zhongli. from diona, says diluc.
omg alcohol, says venti, appearing at the door. i see you have alcohol, says beidou, appearing behind him.
diona’s poison brings all the alcoholics to the yard, says zhongli, except he says it with some obscure four character chenyu with some story behind it that you need to know before you can understand it.
think you can get away? says venti. he is drunk already. he takes out his bow and points the arrow at zhongli. why, says zhongli. make more, says venti.
all i have is osmanthus wine, zhongli says. he stares right through the crowd of drunkards. his expression is distant. it tastes the same as i remember, but where are those that share the memory?
has one been purged from your memory already, say the chicken nuggets. one is quite displeased by this travesty.
i am literally right here, says venti. he is one millimeter away from shooting the arrow through the lawful neutral fucker’s head. lawful neutral and nonbinary is better than chaotic neutral and cisgender, says baal, helpfully. my gender is rocks, says zhongli.
what, beidou slurs. she reaches for the bottle of osmanthus wine. ningguang shows up at the door.
you are drunk, says ningguang. you have a nice ass, says beidou. before beidou can attempt to make out with her, ningguang shoves her out the door.
where is my order, someone says. no one pays any heed to them.
well bye, says kaeya, walking out the door with the alcohol. venti runs after him. beidou tries to run after them but she is kabedoned behind ningguang’s jade screen. omg u love me you wanna kiss me so bad, she says. ningguang does not kiss her.
i need a new poison supplier, says diluc. oh well, that’s my shift over.
zhongli frowns. according to the schedule you still have anoth
no, says diluc, any appearance from kaeya means i get to go home.
yeah i have that on his contract, says xiangling, who is the real owner of the mcdiluc’s. mcxiangling’s is hard for the white people to say.
well if it’s a contract, says zhongli.
cover my shift, says diluc. you can keep the mora you earn.
mora? says zhongli, but i have no need of
the traveler appears behind the counter. thanks diluc he’ll take the mora, they say. slash threat, says xiao. the traveler disappears.
there is silence.
what would you like to eat, says xiao. slash threat, says zhongli.
no one answers. the mcdiluc’s is empty. there are only yanfei, ganyu, and the two electro archons, who are sitting foodless in the corner.
then chongyun, xingqiu, and keqing walk in. yanfei called them.
ganyu glances at keqing. there is a long silence. her face turns red and she gets up to walk out the door.
omg double date, says xingqiu, oblivious. chongyun’s face turns red as well. xingqiu does not notice.
zhongli, for once, notices what is going on in front of him. he creates a large rock in front of the door and stops ganyu from leaving.
why, says ganyu. double date, says xingqiu. at a mcdiluc’s? asks keqing. why not, says yanfei.
i will have your order, says zhongli, wearing the mcdiluc’s hat. a contract is created. none of the four can leave until zhongli has their order.
chongyun tries to leave, not knowing.
you have broken the contract, says zhongli. slash srs, says xiao. you will suffer the wrath of the rock, says zhongli, raising a hand. slash threat, says xiao.
wait, no, says xingqiu, he’ll have a. a twenty piece spicy chicken nuggets.
what, says chongyun. i can’t eat that.
the first term of your contract has been fulfilled, says zhongli, nodding solemnly. slash pos, says xiao.
no, says chongyun. i literally can’t eat that, i’ll overheat.
the first term of your contract has been fulfilled, says zhongli again. slash threat, says xiao.
i, says chongyun.
i’ll have chicken nuggets and a small fries, says xingqiu. we’ll have two burgers and milkshakes, says baal, helpfully. could i get a burger with fries, says yanfei. same here, says keqing.
just salad for me is fine, says ganyu.
she’ll also have a fruit and maple oatmeal and fries, says keqing. slash threat, says xiao.
why, says ganyu. don’t you literally work through your lunch breaks, says keqing.
i can’t eat spicy food, says chongyun. yanfei pats him on the back.
then suffer, exorcist, says xiao. slash threat, says zhongli.
what, says xingqiu. afraid you’re going to get high and accidentally kiss me again?
there is silence.
wait. he says. i was not supposed to reveal that.
chongyun begins to overheat before the food is even delivered.
holy shit, says beidou, sticking her head through the door. is there a second set of lovebirds in liyue harbor?
who’s the first set, asks zhongli, as beidou tries to grab ningguang’s hand and misses. he does not know anything. his head is full of rocks and he has no thoughts.
third set, actually, says yanfei. ganyu and keqing stop where they are about to sit down and very pointedly sit as far away from each other as possible. they still cast each other longing glances. no one is fooled. except probably zhongli, who is now giving the list of orders to xiangling.
homosexuality is a sin, says ei, helpfully.
the next time i visit yae i’m going to tell her you said that, says baal, helpfully. ei gives her a prolonged stare.
the food arrives with surprising speed.
sorry but i’m not eating this, says chongyun.
“You must fulfill the contract,” says Zhongli.
what, says chongyun.
“You must fulfill the contract.”
you have to eat it, exorcist, says xiao. slash gen, says zhongli.
why, says chongyun.
you entered into a contract with me, says zhongli. you must order a dish from this mcdiluc’s and eat it, or you will suffer the wrath of the rock.
what, says chongyun.
there is a door opening sound effect. albedo stands at the doorway of the mcdiluc’s. klee is hanging off of his arm. sucrose is hovering behind them. albedo is wearing an elsa costume. klee is wearing an anna costume. sucrose is wearing normal clothes.
hello, says albedo. he looks around and notices the crowd of people. what is going on, he says. he looks down. he is still wearing the elsa costume.
huh, he says, glancing at the osmanthus wine on the counter and venti, who is slouched on a nearby table. let’s go somewhere else, klee.
okay! says klee. i don’t like this place anyway. it’s named after that weird guy who never smiles.
should we just go to good hunter’s, says sucrose.
yes, says albedo.
they leave.
i literally physically cannot eat this, says chongyun, looking at his spicy chicken. too bad, says xiao.
you have broken the contract, says zhongli.
geo traveler appears at the door.
you will suffer the wrath of the rock, says zhongli.
what the fuck, says chongyun.
just eat it, says xingqiu. you don’t want to know what the wrath of the rock is.
no, says chongyun. his face is turning red again.
a spike of rock appears under his chair.
yes, says xingqiu.
no. what are you going to do, says chongyun, force feed me?
yes, says xingqiu.
chongyun gets up to leave. he is stopped by a rock.
you will now face the wrath of the rock, says zhongli. his eyes glow. his hair glows. he moves his arms to cross them over his chest. i will have orde
wait no, says xingqiu. he’ll eat it.
no, says chongyun, i never said-
xingqiu stuffs a nugget into his mouth. chongyun turns a brilliant shade of vermillion. it is unclear why.
now kiss, says beidou. shut up, says ningguang. why, do you want us to kiss instead? says beidou. she is promptly put into a headlock.
is that enough, says chongyun. he is struggling to breathe normally. he summons a popsicle from his pocket somehow.
the terms of the contract have not yet been fulfilled, says zhongli. you must eat all the chicken nuggets.
slash threat, says xiao.
one shall not be defiled in such a manner, say the chicken mcnuggets.
xingqiu shoves another nugget in chongyun’s mouth.
kaeya returns while chongyun is busy suffering. he is looking for diluc. he thinks diluc lives at mcdiluc’s because his name is on the top of the building.
i will have your order, says zhongli.
nah its fine i dont need any food, says kaeya. where’s diluc.
i will have your order, says zhongli. slash threat, says xiao.
damn bro i don’t know why you’re so obsessed with getting my order, says kaeya, but i don’t want food. i just need to find diluc. i have some poison for him
a contract has been created, says zhongli. i will have your order and you will eat the food. otherwise you will suffer the wrath of the rock.
what the fuck even is the wrath of the rock, says beidou, who is still drunk. the punishment rex lapis gives to those who break a contract, says ningguang. thanks dear you’re the best, says beidou. i think we should kiss.
a silence.
oh wait, says beidou. does that mean he’s
i already told you i don’t want food, says kaeya.
i will have your order, says zhongli.
uh oh, says yanfei. one is concerned for the young mortal’s health, say the chicken nuggets.
ok well if diluc isn’t here, i can just leave, says kaeya. he walks towards the door, but his path is blocked by a large rock. what the fuck, he says.
no, says zhongli, you may not leave this place. you must fulfill the contract. i will have your order.
you didn’t make albedo and klee order anything, says xingqiu.
they did not enter this domain, says zhongli. the contract i am under states that anyone who enters is bound by contract to buy and consume; it says nothing on those who tarry at the door then depart. the alchemist and the child are unconstrained by its bounds. the knight, on the other hand, must order his food or face the wrath of the rock.
i, says kaeya. alright, i’ll bite. what’s on the menu?
rocks, says zhongli.
um, says kaeya.
oh you should try our new frosted slime, says xiangling, emerging from the kitchen. featuring only slime and not octopi. she high fives zhongli.
what the fuck even is this place, says kaeya. you know what, i’ll just go.
he tries to walk around the rock blocking the doorway, but he is pushed back by a sudden gust of wind.
you cannot depart, adventurer, says xiao, until you have given him your order. slash srs, says zhongli.
oh come on, says kaeya. he runs up the stairs. xiao and zhongli jump over the counter and follow him.
geo traveler appears.
this is the wrath of the rock, says zhongli. he and geo traveler make a circle of stone around kaeya, cornering him.
kaeya jumps out the window. he plummets to the ground, preparing to spread his artificial wings,
then stops midflight on a cushion of air.
must we bother with the trivial affairs of mortals, says xiao, leaning against the wall in boredom. this is a cause unworthy of the use of my powers
and the things you usually get up to are? says the traveler.
fuck off, says xiao.
what is going on, asks diluc, emerging from the stairwell with diona. he looks out the window and sees kaeya. oh. it’s you. diona why did you make me come here. i’ve had to deal with this guy enough for a lifetime.
i bid her call you here to reveal to you the truth of this world, says zhongli.
fade to black.