Chapter Text
DECEMBER 24TH
Eddy idled outside Kevin's door, arms wrapped tightly around himself in a piss poor attempt to battle the chill. The blanket of snow covering the cul-de-sac was thick, only growing worse by the minute as more rained down from the dark sky above. The street lamps had turned on by now, the night surrounding him making the bitter cold nipping at his nose sting like the open wound his pride currently was.
He wanted to hit himself for having shown weakness around him. Travis exploited every attempt he could to try and get Eddy alone. The single second he thought he was safe, the asshole cornered him in the basement and let him have it.
Why couldn’t he just stay gone and abandon his little brother like he always had? Why couldn’t he just make it easy for him and fuck right off? Why was he such a major piece of shit that he had a grudge over a bunch of children absolutely rocking his shit? Was he that pathetic?
He deserved it. Though Eddy wondered if the soreness of his ribs and aching of his legs made it worth it.
He honestly didn't know why he had come here. Out of anywhere else he could have gone, his mind in the fit of crisis gravitated towards Kevin. Not his two oldest best friends, not the pretty girl he knew would definitely take him in just the same. Kevin, more than anyone else, was who he was subconsciously drawn to at the thought of safety.
Maybe it was because he only lived next door. Maybe it was because he still looked at Kevin as a beacon of strength and power. Or maybe it was something deeper than that, that made him sweaty and anxious and feel like his tongue weighed a thousand pounds. But here he was, waiting with bated breath on Kevin’s doorstep on Christmas Eve.
Eddy had gone to people for sanctuary before. Just about every other kid by this point had housed Eddy for his numerous scams and mundane illegal activities any wayward juvenile his age could get into. Double D, for one of those people, was always very delicate with him despite how rough Eddy had been with him in the past. But something like that from Kevin was something he never thought he’d get to experience. When Kevin’s paranoia towards the Eds disappeared after their first meeting with his brother, Eddy got to experience what Kevin was really like.
He'd only gotten to see glimpses of it prior to that point, either by pretending to be other people or as an outsider looking in. But having his kindness directed at him, the real him and not a fake identity, was something totally different.
He was much softer than he liked to pretend he was, Kevin acting as the overseer and protector of the gang. He had a mean streak as a kid, that was true, but his quipping and sometimes callous play was next to nothing to how he was the rest of the time. Like a big brother, a good one anyway , he went out of his way to step it up for everyone and anyone when the time called for it. With age, his inclination to provoke and taunt had become nearly nonexistent save for some much gentler teasing. Sarah had gone so far as to jokingly call him the group’s ‘dad friend’ at one point, everyone’s unanimous agreement flustering the adrenaline junkie into sheepish mumbling.
But Kevin treated him differently, Eddy noticed that and paid very close attention to it.
Kevin was nurturing towards everyone, but his and Eddy’s bond had formed into something else. There were subtle changes at first, somewhere around a year into their friendship. They just clicked, like they were mirroring each other in the most mundane of ways that just kept bringing them closer. The same type of humor, overlapping interests and philosophies. They even found things they hadn’t had in common to be interesting to one another, Kevin taking up Eddy’s rapturous love of disco and Eddy taking the passenger seat to Kevin’s thrill seeking endeavors if not encouraging them.
They kept finding themselves alone, totally content in breaking off from the rest of their mutual friends to go do their own thing together. He noticed how Kevin pulled him into his side, liked to stay close to him and gained comfort from his touch. How specifically unique his laughter sounded when he and Eddy were messing around. The way he looked at him, something so captivating about his gaze when they stared at each other.
Unlike Kevin, the lovably dense motherfucker he was, Eddy wasn’t oblivious. There was something between them, something that had been building for a long time and hung over Eddy like a curse.
His obsession with the guy would be funny if it didn’t make him so, so sad.
Eddy hardly felt like he was good enough to be anyone’s friend half the time, let alone think he was good enough to be someone’s lover. His self depreciation was something sour on the delight being around Kevin was, like a moldy cherry on an ice cream sundae. He hung on to his every word of praise like gospel, no matter how pathetic that was, and Kevin wasn’t shy to stroke his ego at the best of times. They fed off of each other’s pride, the peanut gallery telling them to get a room over their ever faithful bromance more times than he could count.
But Eddy was desperate for it. He needed it, he needed him in a way he hadn’t needed anyone else before, and it terrified him. To depend on somebody other than himself was horrifying, something he’d struggled with over the years even for all his friends. But the way he wanted Kevin was consuming him every waking moment he dwelled on it too long. Always right by his side but somehow out of reach, like he just couldn’t find a way to squirm into his head the way Kevin was in his.
Daydreams upon fantasies of yearning, hyperfocusing on the way it felt when he touched him to store the sensation away forever. To want him so wholly, keep him close to his heart where no one else could have him the way he did. He had tried to deny his feelings for so long, but at this point it was useless trying to ignore that he had a crush the size of the sun.
Eddy had a lot of issues with perceiving the world as out to get him, or skewing the things he heard or saw to protect himself. The way Kevin was with him was special, the way he looked at him just for him and only him. He made Eddy feel special to him, whether he intended to or not.
The sound of the door unlocking was enough to capture his drifting mind, the redhead on the other side opening it just a crack to peer out. The moment he locked eyes with Eddy he swung it open wide, a look of shock on his face. "Holy shit, dude," Kevin choked out, his concern making Eddy feel more vulnerable, and in turn twice as aggressive. "What happened to you?"
Eddy must’ve looked taken aback by the question, his realization that other people could see he got his ass beat a slowly dawning one. He grunted in response, reaching up to put his hand over his bruised eye.
"What's it look like?" The shorter snapped, his anger made less threatening by the chattering of his teeth. "My stupid brother socked me. What else is new?"
Their entire friend group had been made aware of the arrival of Eddy's older brother for Christmas that year. The man hardly showed up for any major or minor occasion at all. So the fact that he had shown up without any prior notice to spend the holidays had left Eddy skittish and uncharacteristically reserved.
Kevin didn't seem to mind the snark Eddy was giving him, holding the door open as wide as it could go and stepping to the side. "Come in, man." He offered, nodding his head towards the inside of the entryway. "You're soaked and it's subzero out there."
Eddy opened his mouth, for what reason, he wasn't sure. Perhaps to protest, or perhaps to complain about why Kevin hadn't offered the second he saw him. But the boy just stayed silent, waddling in like a kicked puppy to the inviting glow of Kevin's house.
The boy closed the door, warmth engulfing the smaller despite the cold that clung to his skin. Eddy didn't have many layers to remove, clad in only a jacket and Christmas themed pyjamas Eddy’s mother insisted he wear. The lack of clothing articles didn't stop Kevin from taking hold of Eddy’s zipper, much to the smaller's surprise. He was almost thankful for the winter, giving the boy an excuse for how shamelessly red his face was at the minimal act of kindness.
Eddy was quiet, letting the redhead help him out of his jacket and throw it over the duct by the door for the hot air to dry it through. It was akin to trained behavior, something so normal about how Kevin put a comforting hand between his shoulder blades and led him into the living room.
Everything was covered in the usual festive decor, the Christmas tree in the corner shining brightly in a rainbow of colour. A few presents were underneath it, synthetic pine needles strewn about on the floor yet to be cleaned. He was smacked instantly with the pungent aroma of sweets, freshly baked and waiting somewhere in the kitchen.
Alarm bells began to ring in Eddy’s ears, the scent a telltale sign something was wrong.
Kevin was a stress baker. Something he had taken great lengths to hide from everyone until he got outed by none other than the Eds themselves. Letting themselves into the house of their new friend when they were kids and seeing every surface covered with cookies and cakes, to brownies and pies. It was actually pretty concerning at first, though he admitted to just enjoying the practice along with it being a stress reliever.
Sure he just enjoyed doing it, but something about the smell was making Eddy worried. He couldn’t help the nagging in his gut immediately, a thousand thoughts spiraling from ‘he just wanted to bake some fucking gingerbread, idiot’ to the world was collapsing and cerebrospinal fluid sucking mutants would rise from the earth’s crust like in Ed’s comics.
“Bro, how did you even get wet like this?” Kevin asked, the boy sounding cautious. “Did you come straight from your house? Or-” He paused, speaking in a mumble. “Did you… Have to like, roundabout? Or….”
Eddy caught on to Kevin’s implication, stuffing his hands into his pockets out of habit and wincing at the squelch that awaited him. “Yeah, no,” he huffed, flicking some water off of his hand onto the carpet. “My bro wouldn’t be caught dead chasin’ my ass around here. I had to crawl outta the basement window.”
Kevin’s troubled gaze was making Eddy even more nervous, avoiding looking up into his eyes to save face. “Just- Forget it, alright? I’m wet now, not gonna cry about it.”
The redhead seemed to understand Eddy’s discomfort, looking around the living room for a minute before continuing to speak. "Here, y’know what? I'll close the curtain," He said, "Take your clothes off and I'll throw ‘em in the dryer for ya."
Eddy’s brows raised high. " Here? " The other asked, staring at him in confusion.
"My folks aren't here." Kevin explained, making his way over to the window and pulling the drapes shut one side at a time. "Dad had a marketing thing for Christmas outta town. Mom went with ‘im since we'd all just be spending Christmas together after they got back anyway, so I've got the place to myself. No one's gonna see you, so don't sweat it."
Eddy caught a glimpse of how Kevin’s face fell right at the last second he turned his head away from his view, proving his earlier speculation correct. That irked Eddy in a way he couldn’t put into words, hating how quick Kevin was to hide. Eddy had put so much effort into showing the more delicate parts of himself to others, especially Kevin, but the big drip continued to refuse to give Eddy the full story.
Eddy was stubborn, but somehow Kevin was worse. The lughead sure as hell didn’t practice what he preached about needing to communicate his feelings better or they’d eat him up inside.
Eddy wanted to argue, make some kind of loud excuse and bitch about not getting out of his clothes. Like a fight would help him feel normal, feel less like a stray animal being babied and coddled. Feel less like Kevin was trying to keep Eddy out of his heart and his head, and like that didn’t sting deeper than his body covered in sores. But he didn't have it in him, barely had enough energy to get his shirt over his head as his skin ached and screamed in protest.
Eddy was thankful the snow hadn’t seeped all the way into his underwear, granting the poor boy at least a semblance of his modesty. He could feel Kevin's burning gaze on him, the smaller boy feeling his cheeks flush with shame at the purple and blue state his body was in. Perfectly matching his blackeye, just much more carefully hidden from the prying eyes of the world.
Kevin stayed silent as he walked out of the room rather quickly, and Eddy wasn't sure if his lack of commentary was appreciated or making him feel even more disgusted with himself.
Decorated with cool tones of various kinds, polka dots across his form from the blows he’d sustained making him look like wrapping paper on a present. ‘ Yeah. Some fucking gift. ’ Eddy thought bitterly, scratching at his stomach. He wanted to peel his skin off the same way he wrecked his own presents every year, shed it completely and throw himself in the bin. This humiliation, this show of his weakness for Kevin to see and judge.
Kevin, who didn’t trust Eddy enough to show his own weakness.
A towel was quickly thrown over his head to interrupt his thoughts, soft and toasty as if it had just come out of the dryer. Small yet strong hands worked it over his head, Eddy grunting and groaning despite allowing it entirely. He peered out from underneath as the towel was pulled back enough to see, Kevin meeting his gaze with the offering of a soft smile.
The shifting colours of light from the tree in the corner danced off his eyes, Eddy's face feeling uncomfortably warm without the cold to blame. Copper toned hair, fluffed and hooding just slightly so over his eyebrows. Curling around his face like a frame, freckles speckled over his skin like fairydust. He looked beautiful, every negative thought Eddy had seeming to fade away in an instant from just looking at him.
Kevin rubbed the towel against Eddy's cheeks softly, the pressure of his thumbs soothingly gentle against his temples. He let the other tilt his face upwards, enjoying the way his touch settled over his nerves. He got lost in it, somewhere along the pampering taking in Kevin's scent intermingled with cinnamon and nutmeg.
Kevin’s hands were magic, like he was falling under a spell over and over again just by breathing the same air as him. Eddy's mind swooned with thoughts of this, this intimacy that he yearned for more than anything. To be adored by him, to feel worthy and respected. To have all of his attention for just one moment, just one measly moment to be all Kevin thought about. To consume his mind the way Kevin did his since they were 10.
"Sit down," Kevin said, voice slurred into a hush as he cupped the other's cheek. "I've got a blanket for ya."
Eddy did as he was told, feeling as though he'd been pacified. Kevin threw a fluffy blanket over him, killing any of the lasting chill and replacing it with heat. He watched Kevin pick up his clothes, wrapping them up in the now slightly damp towel as he stood back up. "You hungry?" He asked, seemingly pleased when he received a nod. "Dinner won't be too long. My mom prepped some stuff for me so I've got a lotta food going."
Kevin made his way over to the TV, picking up the remote and chucking it towards where Eddy sat on the sofa. The boy managed to catch it despite being under his blanket rather snugly, struggling holding it through the fabric long enough to get his hands free before he could drop it.
Kevin giggled at him, the fondness in his tone almost palpable. "Make yourself at home." He said, his voice making Eddy puddle onto the sofa as though his words were melted butter.
Eddy considered turning on the television once Kevin left the room, though couldn't bring himself to bother. The idea of watching any of what would inevitably only be cheesy Hallmark movies wasn't appealing, finding himself focusing on the sounds of Kevin moving around the house over the humming of the kitchen oven. He could hear the jingle of Kevin’s mother’s fancy new dryer starting up, a digital voice repeating back how he’d selected the quick dry setting before the rumbling of the actual machine started.
Eddy sank deeper into his cocoon, bringing the blanket up over his nose as he stared out at nothing. He could hear Kevin humming, some sort of crude amalgamation of ‘Jingle Bells’ that lost its tempo when he ran out of breath and faded into a closed mouth sigh. He opened the oven and put a tray on the counter, muttering out a “Choice” at his work. Fresh cookies, making Eddy feel queasy from worry over what must’ve been eating at Kevin’s mind. He could hear him go into the hall and thud upstairs, probably going up two steps at a time, knowing him.
Something about just listening to Kevin go about his business was so comforting, it was making him sleepy. His gaze going hazy, wanting to drift off to a dream where he’d get to stay there in the moment forever, listening to Kevin breathe and exist.
Kevin shut his bedroom door, heart racing in his chest and leaving him breathless. He thought coming up here for a second would help him recuperate, but all he could do was think about Eddy battered to high hell lounging on his three-seater downstairs.
He took off his hat to run his hands through his hair, his bangs spilling between his fingers. “Keep it cool, dude,” he muttered to himself, anxious about his volume least Eddy hear him talking to himself through the floor. “Just keep it together. This isn’t about you right now, this is about him. Not you. Don’t let him know.”
The boy’s brain was going rotten with cascades of thought, ranging from anxiety to downright murder. How dare that sleazy fuck hit him? How dare he think he had the right? Kevin had half a mind to sneak out his window and go thump the fucker down into the snow on his front lawn. Kevin was pacing, gripping fistfulls of his hair so tight his scalp stung.
He was trying miserably to will down his temper, the thought of socking Travis in the jaw the only thing making him feel sane and keeping him from spiraling.
Those bruises, peppering Eddy’s skin like a pincushion. So clearly deliberate, Kevin could see his brother was aiming for his ribs. That wasn’t even acknowledging the shiner he had, his eye looking so swollen it was comparable to a grape. He could only imagine the damage, worriedly covering his mouth as he walked circles.
Kevin couldn’t show frailty here. Not when Eddy needed him. Not when he relied on him to shelter him from whatever his sorry excuse of a sibling intended to try next.
Kevin let out a heave of a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. His gaze caught sight of himself in the long mirror hanging on the door of his closet, recoiling in surprise. “Aw, man, ” He tsked, approaching closer to get a good look at himself. “Fuck, I look like shit.”
He wondered if Eddy had noticed the dark circles around his eyes or if that was just him. His lack of sleep was entirely to blame on his parents. He had deliberately kept his explanation for their absence to Eddy vague, given they both decided to fuck off for the entire month of December and only let him know the day prior.
Like, jesus christ? What kind of parent abandons their damn kid for an entire month to go on a cruise? ‘Marketing tour’ his fucking asscheek, it was just a thinly veiled excuse to spend the winter in a tropical climate and away from their problematic son and his temper they insisted hadn’t been curved for years because he so much as raised his voice a little.
It was bad enough when he was a kid and they were busy every single day of the week. It was bad enough he hardly got to see them and they didn’t seem to find a damn thing wrong with themselves. It was bad enough they made him feel bad for talking to the school counselor in junior high about how he felt and telling him they need to work to keep a roof over his head and they give him so much freedom so he should be thankful because they weren’t as strict as other parents and what reason did he have to be sad-
Kevin stopped himself, restraining from having yet another breakdown at the fault of his chainlink thoughts. He would not let himself ruin the faith Eddy was putting in him to protect him. People expected him to be strong and level headed for a reason, because he was Kevin, and Kevin got shit done.
The month had been hell, and he was the opposite of excited to see his parents after New Years had come to pass. But for now, he still had time to pick himself back up and make himself okay again. He needed to at the very least make up for his stupid wallowing somehow, and if that meant giving Eddy his 110 percent, he was all for it.
Something occurred to Kevin as he stared at his reflection, pulling the closet door open and rummaging through his amassment of clothing.
There had to be something…
Kevin came back into the living room, Eddy opening his eyes to find his crush right by his side. The smile on Kevin’s lips was small, shy in nature. The sight of him caused a swarm of butterflies to flock in Eddy's stomach, thinking to himself how easy he had become addicted to Kevin’s smile.
"Hey," Kevin said, voice gentle as he offered some clothing to the other boy. "Found something that should fit you in my closet, if you want."
The fluster that came with wearing something of Kevin's wasn't lost on Eddy, though he took it without showing it. He dragged a pair of sweatpants under the blanket, too lazy to bother getting up as he stubbornly struggled them on underneath the covers. He put on the hoodie he’d been given after, having a much easier time getting it over his head as Kevin sat on the other end of the couch.
Eddy looked down at the lime green sweater now covering him, the hood puffy against his cheeks. Not too loose, not too tight, the differences in their weight distribution hitting the sweet spot in size. It felt like he was wearing a hug, as fucking annoyingly cheesy as that was to say, the fabric alone making him feel exceedingly comfortable as he settled back against the arm of the sofa.
Kevin slouched forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked toward the television. “Not interested?” He asked, lamely looking to start a conversation.
Eddy sat back and shook his head, feeling frustrated that the other made a move to take the forgotten remote from him. In an impulsive decision, Eddy snatched it first, holding it back out of his reach with a look that implied he was just as surprised as Kevin at his actions.
“Dude… What-”
“I thought we could talk,” Eddy spoke over him, his voice coming out shaky and fast. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing, his cheeks threatening to turn colour from his agitation. “I mean, I’m here and all. Why not shoot the shit, right, brother?”
Kevin quirked his brow at him, totally perplexed at why Eddy looked so uneasy. “Uuuh,” He said, tilting his head to the side like a dog listening for something in the distance, as though it would help him understand Eddy’s weird behavior. “Okay- Yeah. Sure, bro.” He went on. “What did you wanna talk about?”
In his random act of lunacy, Eddy realized even his subconscious thought process was goddamn genius. He’d set himself up for the perfect opening to prod at what was up with Kevin without even thinking about it. Even when he was tripping over his own feet he was a damn mastermind.
The boy relaxed with the favor of things shifting to his side of the court. He slyly put the remote onto the floor to slide it across the carpet, rocketing it away where Kevin couldn’t reach it. "So," Eddy went on, spreading himself out across the couch. He nudged at Kevin's thigh with his foot under the blanket despite already having his full attention. "Your folks, huh? What's the deal? You don't even seem bothered by the fact that they ditched you."
The suggestion was so shameless he swore he saw Kevin’s pours screech with the need to sweat. Eddy couldn’t sit right, as blissful as it was to be in Kevin’s company. He felt nothing but discomfort knowing Kevin was pretending he was okay just so he could take care of him, and he would make him talk if it killed him.
Or killed Kevin. Whichever came first.
Kevin’s mind was reeling, trying to think back on anything he could have done to give himself away. He looked like shit, but he could have easily blamed that on getting to stay up late playing video games or something, right? It wasn’t as though it was a lie.
Even if the reason for why was because he needed something to numb his brain after sobbing alone in his bedroom.
Fuck, he was getting scared over stupid shit again. He fiddled with his fingers, gnawing at his lip as he cracked his digits to quiet his racetrack of a mindscape. It wasn’t enough, his neck feeling way too stiff all of a sudden as he twisted his head this way and that only to be unsatisfied when it didn’t crack.
He needed to, he needed to pop something, he needed to-
Kevin threw his arms over the backrest of the sofa, arching his back as he did to force it to pop. The sound was deafeningly loud, Eddy making a mental note to tell Nazz he was still obsessively crunching his joints after she told him to stop. "Yeah," The redhead said on an exhale, relaxing against the couch. Kevin’s knee bounced subtly, a blaring signal he was barely managing to fake it. "Nah, man, it's pretty normal. It's not like we open gifts anymore or believe in Santa or whatever, so..." He shrugged flippantly. "I'd rather just have the place to myself."
That sounded like bullshit if Eddy had ever heard it, though that was pretty standard when it came to Kevin dodging questions about his mental state. Eddy showed as such with a scrunch of his face, kicking Kevin’s leg a bit firmer this time.
"Wuh?" Kevin blubbered out, looking at him with a bewildered expression.
What had he done wrong? He’d answered his question right. He’d acted totally cool about it. He’d done everything correctly and somehow Eddy was still reading him so thoroughly Kevin swore he must have been transparent and not realized.
"Cut it with the shit, Kev," Eddy said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You treat talkin' about your feelings like it's going outta style. Don’t even try n’ act like you’re not upset. "
Kevin realized he should have seen this coming from a mile away. Eddy was a master at this. Even when they were kids the guy made him extra paranoid because he just had a way of getting into his head past the usual cons and bullshit the Eds would get up to.
The blue haired boy knew how to fleece so good the sheep might as well have been pure cotton. He sweet talked and coerced in a manner Kevin hated to admit was suave as hell. It only got worse once Eddy got his hands on Double D’s psychology book. He studied that thing like he was deciphering ancient runes, invested in it to the point he’d been taking courses on it when they entered high school and it became an available extracurricular.
Eddy was using it against him now, and Kevin hated it so goddamn much.
Kevin let out a guffaw, a smile of disbelief coming to his face. "Okay?" He said, incredulous to Eddy's words. He felt cornered, a wild animal caged with a poacher waiting to net him. He was getting defensive, the baby hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. "Big talk comin' from you , pal-"
"Kev." Eddy insisted, cutting him off and speaking with something softer to his voice. "You've gotten me to go off about my bro all week to let off steam. Please just talk to me and make it easier on both of us."
His candid approach did the trick, the shift in Kevin's demeanor instantaneous. His brows pinched upwards, lips forming a pout as a stress filled sound forced out of his throat. He slumped further onto the sofa, back resting on the seat cushions and bending his neck at an uncomfortable angle. He looked like a repugnant child throwing a fit over having to apologize.
Oh Kevin hated it when he talked to him like that. His voice rough and gritty and pitchy but somehow feeling like silk on his frayed nerves. Working him open and trying to see inside the depths of his darkness Kevin wanted no one to ever tread.
He felt way too exposed.
"You aren’t cool with it, are ya?” Eddy stated, rather than asked, already knowing the answer. Kevin simply shook his head no.
Eddy grunted as he shimmied back up to a sit, crossing his legs and slouching forward to close more of the distance between them. He put his hand gently on Kevin's knee, making him involuntarily jolt from the chill still clinging to his palms. Kevin's skin felt blisteringly hot, something that gave Eddy a rush of embarrassment. At times like this, Eddy hated how unabashedly touchy he was.
Kevin was freaking out, swearing he would blush if he wasn’t going into turmoil. The freeze of Eddy’s palm on his knee was making it hard to breathe, avoiding eye contact and shivering when his hand smoothed up to rest on his thigh. Just barely peeking under the hem of his baggy basketball shorts, like the freckles on his legs were molten coals to Eddy’s arctic prodding. It was an innocent touch, but it sent shocks up his back and had him shift his leg away from his hand, thighs pressed together tight to keep him out.
The taller crossed his arms over his chest. " 's whatever." Kevin grumbled, though it was obvious he was slowly becoming more and more upset. Eddy could see his lips pressing into a fine line, see the faint white lines of Kevin’s fingernails now scratching at his bare arms. "I don't need to talk about it, for real."
Eddy felt a ball of frustration building in his stomach. Was Kevin really that repulsed by him that so much as touching him made him want to run away? Eddy couldn’t take it, clutching at the blanket to get some sort of perch. "God damn it, Kevin, you get on my ass about opening up but I sure don't see you puttin' in the effort yourself!"
The other’s pupils shrunk, sitting up straight with the realization there was no way out of this. He bared his teeth to blast his excuse, the disgusting stew of negativity bubbling inside of him spilling out to float between them. "Because this isn't about me right now, man!" Kevin shot back, his voice cracking somewhere along the line and making both of them pause. The distress was written on his face in plain view, like Eddy had cracked open a book to Kevin's emotions. “Eddy, he fucking hit you for gods sake! AGAIN! "
Eddy felt nauseous. Fucking Travis, ruining his life again, making him feel worthless without even being near him. Making him someone the world perceived as two-faced and someone to be hated the way Eddy hated himself.
He couldn’t control himself, his voice raising to his usual shouting as if it would help him feel any more in control. "So what?! Lots of people hit me!" Eddy argued, as if it would make his side of things sound any better. " 'Specially him! You'd think the guy was tryin’ for a world record with how he uses my mug as his personal punching bag! But just because I'm-”
“Why do you always do this?!” Kevin cut him off, having no qualms speaking over him. He was totally exasperated, and Eddy could see the gloss coming to his brown eyes. Eddy’s stomach was twisting into knots, wanting to punch himself in the head for making him cry.
It wasn’t fair. Kevin pushed down his problems like clockwork for everyone, and here he was somehow messing up again. By being dependable, making people care about him, daring to show how truly pathetic he was when they looked to him to lead. How was he such a fuckup? “Why?! Why can’t you just let me take care of you?!”
Eddy grit his teeth, venom seeping out of his heart. “If you let me FINISH, I was gonna say just because ANYONE is upset doesn’t mean you need to turn your fucking feelings off! You- y-you don't need to baby me, goddamn it! I’M NOT A FUCKING BABY! ”
Kevin recoiled for only a moment, clutching his fists. "I am NOT babying you!"
"WELL IT SURE AS HELL FEELS LIKE YOU ARE!" Eddy bellowed, voice morphing into a full blown screech. “IS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU? AN EMOTIONAL LITTLE FREAK WHO CAN’T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF?! WHO NEEDS SOME KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR TO PROTECT HIM BECAUSE HE CAN’T DO FUCK ALL TO HELP HIMSELF?!”
“NO!” Kevin was screaming now, both boys getting into eachothers face.
Kevin hated this. He hated this so fucking much but he couldn’t stop it, both boys unable to do anything but mix their poisons.
“NOBODY FUCKING LISTENS TO YOU! WHY WOULD I EVER EXPECT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN YOU’RE DEALING WITH SO MUCH?! HOW IS THAT FUCKING FAIR, EDDY?! TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!”
“BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER! WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE YOU FUCKING WORRY ABOUT THEM!”
"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU COME HERE KNOWING I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU ?!"
"BECAUSE WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS I WANNA BE WITH YOU! "
It took a lot of fumbling to get there, but he said it. He could admit it to himself if he could admit it out loud. There were so many people he could go to, but existing in Kevin's bubble was all the comfort he needed. The weight of it seemed to settle them both down, Kevin wrapping his arms around himself tightly in a show of guilt.
Both boys were breathing hard, mutually repulsed by their own pathetic display. They had grown past this by now, resorting to screaming as a way to deal with how they felt inside.
But both boys were weak. They were both being crushed under the weight of time, the planet in rotation like their minds devolving into mush. Like they were unable to get a grip, falling into one another for recourse time and time again but being so pig headed to just say that was what they needed.
Eddy wanted that to stop. He couldn’t keep letting this go on. Taking a deep breath, he pushed his insecurity to the farback of his mind, letting his words flow freely.
Eddy groaned, rubbing hard at his temple with his palm. "I just.." He mumbled, voice much quieter. "You aren't doing anything wrong. I’m- I’m sorry. I like this. I- fuck, Kev, I came here because I needed this right now. I needed you and I knew exactly what you'd do if I came here and how bad I needed it but you pretending you're okay to do that just makes me feel like-... Like shit! Do you know how much I care about you? Do you get that?? Do you know what I would do for you? I-"
His mouth was running, his voice taking on the corners of desperation as he tugged fistfuls of his hair. "I wanna make you feel like you need me like that too. I-I wanna make you feel as safe as you make me feel because I've never felt like this before. This-.. This Naked. "
Kevin watched him for a minute, waiting patiently to see if Eddy had more to say. The blue haired boy wracked his brain, his eyes stinging with the need to cry. It just wasn't coming, and he was unsure if he was glad or craved the release of tears.
“I..” he finally found the words. “I’m a fucking mess, Kevin. But so are you. Why can’t we just be messy together? Why do you always gotta keep everyone at a distance like that? I’ve told you why I have a million times. But what about you? ”
The taller sighed, reaching over with a tentative flow of motion. He took Eddy's hand in his, his other palm resting on top and encapsulating it in warmth. Hot, firey emotion, like he could feel Kevin's veins pump blood and oxygen through his touch alone. Like this little touch was enough to combine them into a single being, like they were meant to exist connected.
"I do feel like that… As in- Like, you making me feel safe, I mean.." Kevin finally said, rubbing the back of Eddy's hand with purpose. "Eddy, dude, you have no idea how much I do... I'm just so used to takin' care of everybody and havin' t' be quiet about it so nobody has to worry. The second I freak everybody else thinks it's doomsday and like- I just- It's so hard to just stop doing that, man.. But at the same time, I don't wanna dump my feelings on you when you're already-"
"I want you to!" Eddy huffed, clutching Kevin's hand from the cage it was in. Nestled inside like a baby bird, tender and sheltered. "Kev, I've told you shit I haven't even been able to tell Double D yet. I've told you so fucking much and yeah I've managed to claw some stuff outta you but it's like I'm holdin' a gun to your head to get you to tell me what you're going through. I-"
Eddy hesitated.
"I wanna show you I can take care of you, too."
Something about that seemed to break something in Kevin within a fraction of a second. His eyes spilled over, burning tears streaming down his cheeks as he hurriedly tried to rub them into silence. Like he was trying to erase another side of himself before Eddy could see it and realize he was a failure who didn’t deserve his kindness.
"I feel so fucking alone sometimes, man..." Kevin whimpered. "I put so much effort into taking care of everybody, I push down so much shit, and it isn't like I-I regret it.. I love all of them. I love you-" Eddy ignored the way his throat tightened. "But I've got no energy left to try and sort through the garbage in my head. I feel so much all the fucking time and it just rattles around and it builds and it builds and it builds until I feel like I'm gonna scream and rip my eyes out!"
Kevin was crying harder, his voice cracking and heightening in pitch as he spoke. A sob broke free, despite how much he tried to suppress it. He held his hand over his mouth, pressing his fingertips harshly into the meat of his cheeks so hard it looked like it would bruise. Eddy reached for him, taking his wrists in his hands with care. It was a strange feeling, one he still was unfamiliar with, making the moves to comfort someone so gently.
But he couldn't do anything else if he wanted to. His body was on autopilot, wiping Kevin's tears with his thumb and guiding the redhead into resting his face on his chest. He leaned back, bringing Kevin's shaking body with him as he carefully situated himself against the backrest. He couldn’t even feel any of his injuries anymore, all sensation in his nerves cut off as he focused solely on holding the other. The blanket Eddy had covering him was the only thing dividing them from being fully intertwined, the smaller resting his head on top of Kevin's as he sniffled.
"I gotcha," He shushed, Kevin letting out a shaky wheeze in response as he tried to control his breathing. "I want this. I wanna do this for you... You've done this for me so many times... I-I wanna do this for you, now, okay?" He asked, unsure if the other nodded into his chest or was simply wiping his tears on the fabric. “Please, Kev.. Just let me do this for you.”
Kevin relaxed against him, his body turning to jello despite how he was shaking like a leaf.
All at once, the dam broke, and Eddy felt like he was drowning.
Kevin let out the most guttural, anguished sound Eddy had ever heard come out of his mouth, and somehow it just kept getting worse. He bawled into Eddy's chest, his tears wetting the front of his borrowed sweater through in a way so unlike the freezing weather outside.
Whereas he'd been chilled to the bone from the snow, Kevin's tears were an inferno. White hot emotion, crude and untapped as he released a thousand things left unsaid. Like he was screaming into his heart, like Eddy could feel every ounce of sorrow he kept hidden for years under metal and spray paint. " I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I FUCKING hate them-!! " Kevin kept repeating, making it a desolate mantra that Eddy was internalizing.
Eddy was shivering, overwhelmed by having Kevin breakdown so openly to him. He had never once in his life seen him this distraught, so completely consumed by his agony that he could hardly speak. He cradled him, squeezing his body so tight he hoped they'd fuse together.
Eddy ran his fingers through Kevin's hair like he was picking up the pieces of his soul, red locks flowing through his digits with every inch of adoration the boy had to his name. Trying to show him his compassion through action, show him he would be loyal. That he could depend on him like no other and they could both cry together until they made a new ocean from all the pain they felt forced to hide. "I'm here.." He whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his head without thinking, too caught up in the tidal wave to dwell on the action or what it meant.
“Why??” Kevin asked no one, his voice muffled and shrill. “Why is it never enough? Why?! I- hah-! Don’t fff- fffucking get it!”
The boy was grabbing fistfulls of his sweater, Eddy rubbing a soothing hand up and down Kevin’s side. Kevin kept going, “I-” He hiccuped. “I’m so-.. So tired…All the time… I just want everything to stop…I just want them to look at me… What did I do? What did I do that made me not good enough for them!?”
Eddy made the educated guess he was talking about his parents, talking sweetly into Kevin’s scalp. “You are good enough. You didn’t do anything wrong…” He mumbled, Kevin feeling his words vibrate through his skull in an oddly soothing sensation. Eddy felt a deep rage blooming inside him, fueled by every cry coming from the boy on top of him. He wanted to destroy what was hurting him, take away his pain from existing even though he knew he never could.
“You’re so perfect. Kev, you’re so perfect.”
Kevin’s grip on his sweater tightened, pulling his face up to look at him. He was a mess, his hair sticking to his face from sweat as drool dribbled down the corner of his mouth. His eyes bloodshot and cheeks totally flushed, tears still free falling on his damp, rosy cheeks. “ Please don’t leave me..” He whispered, sounding so utterly broken Eddy found himself shedding a tear. “I-I don’t wanna be alone.. Please, don’t-”
Eddy pulled him in by the back of his head, their foreheads clunking together with a lack of grace. But it was raw, and it was genuine and exactly what Kevin needed. He wanted this so fucking bad for weeks it felt like his lungs were being ripped out. He wanted to smell cigarettes and candy and Eddy’s obnoxiously expensive cologne and be utterly consumed by his presence until he could think of nothing but him. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears, blurring the lines of their positions as Eddy wiped his tears with the sleeve of his sweater.
“Look at me, Kev.” Eddy spoke low, taking authority in an attempt to calm him. Kevin did as the other said, staring him in the eyes with so much pure need it absolutely killed him. “I’m not goin’ nowhere… Not now, not ever. I’ve wanted to be close to you for so, so long, I’d seriously kick my own ass halfway across the globe if I ever even thought about being somewhere other than right here. Anywhere you go, I’m followin’ you.”
Kevin’s breathing was substantially evening itself out, a dazed look on his face as Eddy cupped his cheeks. Eddy simply stared into his eyes, watching them dilate and retract with his progressing calm. His gaze drifted over Kevin’s face, finding himself staring at his mouth despite his better judgment. His wandering thumb brushed over his dampened lips, wiping saliva off with his finger.
He felt a disgraceful warmth spread out over his body from his tummy at how goddamn soft they felt, wanting nothing more than to seal his cries up with his mouth. To cork the bottle of his despair and guzzle it down his throat like a fine wine until he was empty of it all.
Eddy had impulses to be selfish, but he knew better than to dare try something like that. Kevin was breaking apart at the seams in his arms, and the thought of trying to push something like that on him made Eddy feel ill. No matter how badly he desired it, even if Kevin was okay with it or wanted it too, it just wasn’t right.
He settled for kissing his forehead to satiate himself, the action innocently affectionate enough to write off. It made Kevin’s belly do flip flops, closing his eyes and revering everything Eddy had to give him.
Kevin weaseled his head underneath Eddy’s chin, the two slotting together like puzzle pieces. They just laid there for a moment of silence, Eddy scratching the back of Kevin’s head. It was nice, his blunt nails rolling over his scalp to finish calming him. “Where’d my hat go..?” Kevin mumbled quietly, not pulling back from him as Eddy joyfully lazed in their closeness.
“On the floor, champ.” Eddy hummed, obsessed with how soft Kevin’s hair felt in his hand. The boy in his arms smelt like candy sticks and love in human form, letting himself delight in the satisfaction of being Kevin’s rock.
Kevin had let him in. He let Eddy see him at his absolute lowest, barely hanging on as he finally released everything built up inside. It made Eddy feel needed, like a better person who Kevin needed.
“Oh.” Kevin huffed, nuzzling into his neck. He sighed, the heat of his breath on Eddy’s skin making him a bit too warm. The redhead pulled back, sniffling as he readjusted. They were so close, Eddy could smell peppermint on Kevin’s breath.
He loved peppermint. Eddy loved him.
“Your face feels like sandpaper.” Kevin teased, voice rumbling from the stress he’d put his throat under.
Eddy snorted. “Than don’t rub up on it, dipwad.” He joked, his hand feeling perfect where it was placed to rest on Kevin’s mid back.
Kevin’s eyes looked different, like something in his intent shifted. His guard was down, but Eddy couldn’t piece together what he was thinking now. His eyes glazed over, wanting something, and it made Eddy’s throat dry.
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it….” Kevin muttered, his voice only audible from the lack of space between them. He touched Eddy’s chin, his palm soft as he slid his hand flat to cup his cheek. His fingers opened and closed, feeling Eddy’s sideburns on the tips of his fingers.
The weight of the position they were in was hitting Eddy like a freight train, feeling himself perspire at a comedically fast rate. Kevin smiled at him, Eddy swallowing so hard it was audible. “You, uh-” He said, voice coming out shaky. “We should- probably- uh-” Kevin’s touch was distracting, now having his face cupped with both of the redhead’s hands. “Get up, or somethin’.. Maybe… If you want.. I dunno?”
Oh fuck, was he losing it?
Kevin giggled a little at him, and it was fucking cute and Eddy felt like he was going to die. His eyes were gorgeous, deep chocolate, velvety and sweet like he was in a trance. His brain was overloaded with sensations, his breathing heavy as Kevin shifted on top of him with no intention of getting up. He cocked his head to the side coyly, touching Eddy’s lower lip much in the same way Eddy had done to Kevin’s earlier.
Oh fuck he was so losing it.
“Don’t you- uh-” Eddy said, Kevin’s weight nearly trapping him underneath him. But he was nimble, managing to squirm back slightly and put more distance between their faces. “Don’t you- you have stuff in-in-in the oven, or- or something?”
Kevin pouted at him, opening his mouth to say something, though his expression immediately changed. “Oh- Oh fuck! ” He shot up, rolling off the other completely in a clumsy manner. He slammed onto the floor, Eddy sitting up in surprise as he watched the other scamper off into the kitchen yammering something or other about something burning.
Eddy felt an immediate rush of disappointment mixed with relief, as odd as that was of a combination. One side of him desperately wanted whatever the hell was going on there, but the other side was happy it hadn’t happened with emotions so high. Kevin might’ve been trying to kiss him, the thought making Eddy’s heart beat fast, slapping his palm into his forehead with a groan.
“Eddy!” Kevin called in to him. “You wanna eat?!”
Eddy mulled it over, his desire to pick apart his conflicting emotions dying immediately at the thought of a warm meal.
“Yeah!” He said back, rolling off the couch to join Kevin in the kitchen. “I can eat!”
Eddy had to admit, he was impressed. It was no ‘the family flew in from out of state so we have three versions of the same thing to accommodate the kids’ type of spread, but it looked goddamn delicious and tasted just as such. Mash potatoes, a couple of vegetables, cranberry sauce, stuffing and gravy. The turkey he had was somewhat small, but given that Kevin was originally going to be eating alone, Eddy wasn’t going to judge. The thing tasted damn good too, so he definitely wasn’t in the mindset to complain.
“You’re pretty good at this,” Eddy commented, shoveling another mound of mashed potato into his maw. “I know your ma left ya a lot of this prepped n’ whatever, but this is damn good.”
Kevin looked away, giving a sheepish grin. “Well…” He shrugged, humbly avoiding eye contact. “I kinda… Sorta lied about that, too.”
Eddy paused on another stacked spoonful, pinching his brows together. “Whaddya mean?”
Kevin deflated, his smile fading. “I did all a’ this myself. My mom’s been sendin’ money for food so I went out n’ bought this stuff.” He slumped, resting his elbow on the table and his cheek in his palm. “I thought I’d just make a bunch of food and then not have to make all this tomorrow… Just have it all be left overs, y’know? Think my mom expected me to buy a pizza with the money or somethin’, but, I ‘unno. Didn’t feel right…” He paused. “Even if I’d be eating all a’ this alone.”
Eddy watched him, the melancholy dancing with the golden flecks in his eyes. Mesmerizingly beautiful, even when so full of sadness. The smaller looked down at his plate, tucking his other arm under himself as he leaned forward onto the table. “Anythin’ else you lied about?” He asked quietly, gaze flickering up at the same time as the other boys.
Their eyes met, and Eddy could see the shame in Kevin’s stare.
The redhead looked down. “...Yeah.” He admitted, Eddy feeling thankful he was willing to stop hiding. “A couple a’ things.”
Eddy waited patiently, watching the other adjust in his seat. He put an arm over the back of his chair, slouching as he always did. “They didn’t just… Leave. I mean- They did. But not recently. Well, kind of recently? Shit..” He huffed, reaching up to take off his hat and loll his head back. He took a deep breath, Eddy focusing on the steady rise and fall of Kevin’s broad chest.
“Jus’ spit it out, Kevin.” Eddy said, though more to console him into just saying it rather than dancing around the subject.
Kevin rolled his head back around to look at him, resting his cheek on his shoulder. He hesitated for a moment, Eddy opening his eyes wide and nodding to signal for him to speak. Kevin sighed. “They left at the beginning of the month.” He finally said, “The part about them going on a business thing was true. But my mom was always gonna go with him. It was like a cruise or somethin’… Not a drive out to the city.”
Eddy’s eyes flared open, though this time, for a different reason. “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.” He asked, the look Kevin gave him all the answers he needed.
Eddy had shit to deal with at home. He always had. His brother fucked him up and his parents noticed way too late to help him, and were overwhelming in their attempts to compensate. Somehow too lax and too strict all at once, spoiling their son while keeping the watchful eye of hawks on his every move. It made Eddy unsure of how to properly act, like his parents were trying to solve the problem they’d created without ever addressing it.
Trying to erase Travis’ existence like it would erase their failure, but all it did was give Eddy an obsession with a guy who never even existed. He felt like he deserved it. He deserved a big brother who was cool and nice and who people loved or feared given the situation. Who wanted to protect him, a hero who he could look up to and aspire to be when all he kept doing was finding new and creative ways to be the family’s most recent fuckup.
Eddy was their ‘2nd chance’, even though they’d never say that out loud. Eddy knew it. He could see it. He knew when they looked at him, they saw a replacement for what Travis had become. Yet somehow, his needs continued to be neglected, favored by their idea of their son, and not their son himself.
Eddy was still bitter about it, in some ways. But they’d gone to family therapy together, and he knew his mother and father were trying. They did love him, and they despised his brother for what he had done to him. So Eddy felt only betrayal at how they’d let him back into their home despite vowing to protect him.
Part of him understood. Travis was their first born. They hated what he was, but he was their son, and he knew they wanted him to get better. Somewhere deep inside, Eddy desperately wanted that too. He wanted him to change, he wanted him to turn around and feel any semblance of guilt for how he had fucked with his mind and body. For Travis to feel remorse for the blows Eddy had endured at his hand and the lies he’d been fed, taking sadistic pleasure in watching his baby brother squirm for solace.
He had to admit. Travis put on a class act when he had shown up at their door asking to stay for the holidays. Really made them believe he wanted to try and make amends. Had Eddy not known any better, hell, he would’ve eaten it up too.
But he was a liar, like always. Travis would never change. He was a piece of shit to the core.
Always had been, always would be.
But then, there was Kevin.
Kevin’s parents didn’t even want to try. They didn’t even show they loved him, doing the absolute bare minimum. They kept him alive and paraded around like they deserved a gold star for it. Eddy had always noticed something weird about Kevin’s parents even when they were young. Kevin hardly was grounded, and when he was, every single thing was off limits. But otherwise, he was doing whatever he wanted. He’d catch moments of his conversations with Nazz or Rolf about making his own dinner or forgetting to do laundry.
It never sounded like a kid who was in trouble for skipping his chores. It just sounded off in a way Eddy could never place, though at the time he and Kevin were sworn mortal enemies or some stupid shit kid’s would think, so he didn’t really care to dwell on it.
Eddy’s parents weren’t amazing, but at least they were present in his life and said they loved him. Kevin was taking care of himself most of the time, while they left him alone on purpose.
Eddy viciously stabbed his fork down into a chunk of turkey, something antsy about his movements as he shoved it into his mouth. “What kinda person does that?” He asked, not expecting Kevin to answer him. “Bullshit… Your parents make me so… ”
Eddy didn’t know how to conclude that thought, grasping at thin air, opening and closing his fingers like he would make the words tangible. “Fuck! What even in the hell is their deal?” He griped, slamming his fists on the table and jostling silverware. “Great job on keepin’ your kid breathin’, dipshits! Somebody forget to remind you that your kid ain’t a fuckin’ fish?! Seriously! They’re sick in the damn head pullin’ that shit and acting like they’re the best damn parents on the street. Fuckin’ hell!” He was shoveling mixes of food off his plate into his mouth, not thinking as he ate and spoke at the same time. “You’d be better off callin’ a pair a’ tin cans your folks! What a joke! ”
Eddy felt burned, taking this as a personal slight. Maybe he was just overprotective-
Scratch that. He was absolutely overprotective, but he could give less of a shit. He had half a mind to wait until Kevin’s parents got home and asked them what the fuck they were on to think it was marginally acceptable to treat their son like that.
Eddy’s cheek was still full of a combination of whatever had been churned together on his plate, looking up at the other across the table to find him staring. “What?” He asked, squinting at him. “I got somethin’ on my face, or what? What’re you lookin’ at me like that for?”
Kevin found his bewilderment melting into a smile, staring at Eddy in a way that had the smaller boy almost choke.
Eddy’s ranting was so endearing, Kevin happily listening to him prattle on for hours, which Eddy was happy to do being such a chatterbox. But it was different, all stemming from his frustration over Kevin’s mistreatment. His hyperawareness to Kevin’s feelings made him feel seen in a way no one else had ever made him feel before. Dragging him out of his comfort zone with his brash nature and his emotions into the spotlight.
Also, he was pretty cute when he was complaining. Which was often.
“Thanks, Eddy.” Kevin spoke, sounding mellow. “You really are the best, y’know that?”
Kevin looked completely content, the depth of his admiration growing more clear with each passing second of their unyielding study of one another. Devotion in its purest form, wanting to take away their pain and feel nothing but each other.
Eddy cleared his throat, his tone becoming subdued as his cheeks flushed. “Yeah, don’t mention it.” He waved him off, looking away bashfully. It was almost too much, how Kevin occupying the space was enough to make his brain soften into a wad of chewed gum.
Eddy would do absolutely anything for him, and Kevin would do much the same.
Kevin stood up from his seat, the chair squeaking against the tiles and recapturing the other boy's attention. “Dessert?” He asked simply, Eddy finding himself grinning a little.
“With how many sweets you’ve got crammed on your countertop? Always.”
Kevin snorted, his own face turning colour. “Killer.”
Eddy never wanted this to end.