Work Text:
11:37 pm
It was late, but not too late for Chiaki Kawai to start drinking, evident by the sound of a shattered beer bottle and a few slurred profanities.
This wasn’t new at all to Rika, she grew quite used to such instances. She’d usually get sad, angry, disgusted, and want to tear the bottle away from her mothers insistent hands.
But she never did.
Not because she couldn’t, but because she didn’t want to. Rika was tired. Tired of everything her mother put her through. She was just a manipulative liar who used Rika’s experiences to victimise herself and wallow in self pity.
How pathetic.
She looked outside her window. It was dark. She wondered what her friends were doing now.
Probably talking to each other without me.
But don’t they like you?
No. I’m pathetic.
Why?
I just am.
Rika had always thought that once she got a group of friends, she’d be happy. Especially ones who sympathise with her experiences.
Somewhat.
They only somewhat understood. Of course, they all share common experiences- ones they’d rather not talk about, but nevertheless they understood. They understood the pain of losing someone. They understood the guilt that came with it.
They understood, and they supported each other.
So why did she feel so alone?
Was it because Chiemi wasn’t close to her? The others were fighting to save their loved ones, whether it be family or close friends, while she was fighting to save some random overweight fangirl who had overly sweaty hands.
Was it because you were the one who caused her death?
No, it’s her fault for taking my words so personally. Sensitive bitch.
Your words were harsh though, perhaps too much.
It’s the truth. She should deal with it.
If there was one thing Rika couldn’t explain, it was this. She never liked Chiemi and almost only used her as a personal wallet, accepting and encouraging her to hand over fat wads of money whenever she could. Even after hearing of her death and attending her funeral, she never felt any compassion towards her.
Right?
Right.
So why are you fighting?
…
for myself.
Liar.
Rika pondered around some more, curious as to what her friends were doing.
She sent a quick message on their group chat, asking if anyone was awake.
rika.kawai: is anyone up?
ai.ohto: i am
momoe.sawaki: Me too, Neiru’s probably asleep :P
ai.ohto: she probably sleeps at 8pm, but hey she has a company to run
rika.kawai: better than us at least
momoe.sawaki : Ahaha yeah
ai.ohto: mhm.
Rika paused. Why were they slightly off? Did she say something wrong?
They just think I’m pathetic.
But they agreed with you?
They pity me. I hate that.
How do you know that?
I just do.
Rika pondered on some more. They liked her.
Right?
They cared about her
… right?
Would they care if she died?
…
Would they have saved her if she died?
…
Would they?
No yes.
12:04 am
I’m tired.
I’m so so tired.
Rika was head first into her pillow, biting onto her tongue to stop herself from crying. She didn’t want her mom to know that she was just as pathetic as she was.
She’d rather die than that.
But then why was she so desperate for a hug?
For someone to hold her?
For someone to tell her ‘ it’ll be okay ’ ?
Her mother would never do that. In fact, Rika wouldn’t even let her touch her. She didn’t want a hug from her useless mother.
She wanted one from her dad.
The only thing keeping her going was the small hope that one day she’ll find him.
Then she’d be happy, right?
Of course. The only reason I’m not is ‘cause my worthless mom is keeping him away from me.
Is that the truth?
Obviously. She can’t stand to see me happy.
What will you do if it’s not?
It is.
What will you do if it's not?
It is.
What will you do if-
It is.
What will you do if he’s not who you think he is?
He will be.
How do you know?
I just do.
Rika turned around and faced the ceiling.
Does anyone actually care about her?
A sad smile formed on her face as she wrapped herself with her blanket, trying her best to replicate the feeling of a hug she’ll never get.
It’ll be okay.
… It’ll be okay.