Chapter Text
Rin knew perfectly well that he was dreaming, but he was so caught up in it that he didn’t want to wake up. Half awake and barely conscious, he buried his face deeper into the pillow as he tried to hold onto it for as long as possible.
He was dreaming of the time when he and Haru had shared a bed in Australia. Rin had been so nervous, so naturally he’d overreacted. He tended to do that when he got nervous, after all, especially if it was a situation involving Haru. At first he couldn’t understand why Haru had been so calm about the whole thing, but soon the two of them had laid down on the mattress, back-to-back, lights off, and the only source of sound was the fan spinning slowly over their heads and their anxious breathing. That’s when Rin had realized that Haru was uncomfortable, too. He could feel it in the tense space between them, the way their bodies were intentionally not touching.
The two of them had eventually relaxed, thankfully, when they talked about the past, as well as a possibility of the future. At dawn, Rin woke up lying on his back, and when he looked to his left, he saw that Haru had rolled over to face him. He was still huddled under the covers, but his sleeping face was relaxed and peaceful. Rin couldn’t help but smile a little, then closed his eyes and fell back asleep.
That warm, pleasant memory was etched into Rin’s dream. He wanted to replay that moment over and over, but he had to wake up eventually. Like that morning in Australia, Rin’s current bed was warm and the pillow was soft. Was he back in his bedroom in his family’s house? Or was he in his apartment in Sydney? He couldn’t remember.
He slowly opened his eyes, blinking tiredly up at the ceiling, then realized his left arm was trapped under something. He turned his head to see ―
― and nearly jumped out of the bed.
The universe seemed to be torturing him, taunting him with a dream of Australia, and then making it a reality once more. To his left was Haru, fast asleep with the blankets pulled up to his chin, and Rin’s arm was pinned underneath his shoulders. And not only were they lying in bed together, but Rin was also half-naked, stripped down to his boxers. He would have gasped out loud if he hadn’t wanted to risk waking up Haru.
What… the hell had happened last night?!
Utterly shocked in realizing his situation, Rin tried to quickly and quietly get up, sliding his arm out from underneath Haru, but he overestimated the size of the mattress and ended up landing on the floor with a loud thud.
“Shit!” he hissed despite himself.
To his horror, he heard the blankets rustle, and the dread began to build in his stomach and pile up in his chest, knowing that Haru was now awake because of him.
Rin couldn’t face Haru now, not when the two of them hadn’t seen each other in three months because of that fight, and certainly not when he’d just landed on his butt on the floor in what he instantly recognized to be Haru’s bedroom, wearing nothing but his underwear.
But the universe, as mentioned before, was torturing him, therefore Rin could only wait in fearful silence as Haru sat up and peered over the side of the bed, blinking down at him sleepily.
“Why are you on the floor?” Haru asked, his voice low and hoarse from just having woken up.
Rin at first struggled to find his voice. Haru, who was wearing his usual T-shirt and shorts, always looked so different when he woke up. His black hair was messy, his blue eyes were half-lidded, and he tended to take a while to fully wake up in the mornings, that Rin knew, but Haru still looked so pleasantly calm and tranquil.
That calm and tranquility soon faded, however, when Rin did not answer his question, and the two of them simply stared at each other. As Rin continued to sit on the floor, leaning back on his hands, Haru looked to the side and avoided eye contact, as if suddenly remembering that the two of them were not on good terms anymore, all because of what had happened that night three months ago. Rin watched in dismay as the soft, blue eyes turned hard and cold again.
But despite everything that had happened between them, and the long days that had passed without seeing each other, Rin knew the silence couldn’t drag on like this. After all, he needed his clothes. Yes, that was the only reason he was able to open his mouth and ask, “What happened last night?”
Haru sat up, running his fingers through the front locks of his hair, still not looking at Rin. “You don’t remember?” he asked, his voice quiet.
Was Rin hallucinating, or was that a look of disappointment on Haru’s face? Or perhaps it was all part of the mask which he’d started to wear? Rin shook himself mentally, forcing himself to remember the events of the previous day. He’d returned to Japan for the holiday, but being back in his hometown, knowing that Haru was so close by, brought his spirits down to a low point, so he left the house after dinner and wandered to a local pub.
“I remember going to a bar…” Rin began, trailing off. He’d drunk all by himself, ordering pint after pint of beer. After that, however, everything was a blank spot in his memory. He had no idea how he’d ended up at Haru’s house. He let out a tsk and resisted the urge to cover his face with his hands. This was so embarrassing! Haru must have seen him when he was intoxicated! What had Rin done? What had he said?!
“You called me,” Haru said, interrupting Rin’s thoughts. “I picked you up, brought you home, and we went to sleep.”
Rin wanted to scream from the humiliation. “What else?” he choked out instead.
“What do you mean, ‘what else’?”
“How did I ―?” Rin was about to snap, but he took a deep breath. “How did I end up like this? ” he tried to ask calmly, referring to his near-nakedness. Rin didn’t normally care about showing his body to other people. He was a swimmer, for crying out loud. But somehow, in a situation where he’d woken up in Haru’s bed and couldn’t remember what had happened to lead up to it, it felt dangerously intimate ― an intimacy Rin wasn’t ready for, nor was he sure he would ever be ready for.
He thought he saw a ghost of a smile on Haru’s face, though whether it was sarcastic, mocking, or something else, Rin wasn’t sure.
“You wanted to brush your teeth,” Haru went on. “You wouldn’t stop complaining about it, even though I told you I didn’t have an extra toothbrush. Nearly ruined mine…”
“And?”
“And then ―” Haru stopped, a strange expression flickered across his features, and he cleared his throat. “Then you took off your clothes and went to sleep. That’s all.”
Rin narrowed his eyes. He had the feeling that Haru was leaving something out, but his desire to get his things and flee greatly outweighed the necessity to interrogate his once-friend.
“How can you say all of that so calmly,” he muttered instead, running a hand through his hair. He wasn’t in the habit of taking his clothes off so casually in front of others ― that was Haru’s specialty. Rin definitely wasn’t in the right state of mind last night because of the alcohol. His heart jumped and he scooted backwards when Haru suddenly got out of bed and walked past him. “Wh-where are you going?!”
“Bathroom,” Haru said, as if that was obvious. “Your clothes are on my desk.”
Rin watched Haru warily as he left the bedroom. When he heard his footsteps down the hallway, he quickly got to his feet, then instantly regretted it as a wave of pain and nausea nearly sent him to the floor again. Damn it, he was hungover. With a hand on his forehead, Rin stumbled over to Haru’s desk, seeing his clothes, which were neatly folded in a pile. He also checked his phone, which was on silent mode, and saw that his mother and sister had been texting and calling him since last night when he hadn’t returned home. He hadn’t told them he was going out drinking alone to drown his sorrows, because he didn’t want them to worry, but because of his foolishness he made them worry anyway. Guilt settled in his chest like a heavy weight. As soon as he stepped out of Haru’s house he’d give them a call and head home.
He tried to get dressed as swiftly as he could before Haru returned from the bathroom so he could leave in peace, but it was not meant to be. As soon as Rin pulled on his windbreaker, Haru walked in and their eyes met. Rin looked away uncomfortably, running his hand through his hair again.
“I’m going now,” he said awkwardly. “See ―” He stopped himself.
“See you later,” he was going to say. There was no point anymore, given the current status of their relationship, which was nonexistent. He wished he was wearing his cap so he could tug the brim down over his eyes and create a shield between him and Haru. He brushed past him, made his way down the stairs and headed for the front door when he heard Haru’s voice, quiet yet clear.
“Running away again, huh?”
Rin stopped in his tracks. He looked over at Haru, who stood at the top of the staircase. Rin clenched his hands into fists. Humiliation, regret, sorrow, and most of all ― anger ― were beginning to boil in his stomach, a poisonous concoction of pent up emotions that he still kept deep inside.
“Are you picking a fight with me right now?” he asked with silent fury, trying to contain himself. It was nearly ten o’ clock in the morning, much later than Rin would ever sleep, but still too early in the day for an argument. The painful words that Haru had said to him that night still stung, and it seemed that Haru wanted to rub salt into his wounds.
Haru made his descent down the stairs, then stopped a few feet away from him, staring at him and providing no answer to his question. There was a look in his eyes ― frustration. It wasn’t something that Rin saw often from Haru, so it surprised him.
“Why were you out drinking, anyway?”
“I… I don’t know,” Rin said casually, shrugging a shoulder. Except he did know. Even though it wasn’t something he was used to doing, he knew the exact reason for drinking all alone late at night, and that reason was standing right in front of him. He cleared his throat nervously, hoping Haru would buy his lie. “Well, then…” Rin muttered, then put on his shoes and went to open the door.
“Rin.”
“What?” Rin answered exasperatedly. He just wanted to get out as quickly as possible, but this guy was making it really difficult. Couldn’t he just let it go? Waking up next to him in the way that he did was already too demeaning for Rin to handle. He needed to leave.
That frustrated look remained in Haru’s eyes, and he clenched his fists. “Are you sure you don’t remember anything from last night?” he asked, a slight edge to his voice.
For an instant, Rin thought he might have seen the facade of cold stoicism melt away and those blue eyes return to normal, but the moment quickly passed. Rin shook his head, wondering if he was hallucinating because of his hangover or something. He needed to pull himself together and get out of here. He grit his teeth.
“I told you, I don’t remember,” Rin insisted, glaring at Haru. “Look, sorry for inconveniencing you like this, alright? It won’t happen again, you can be sure of that.” He furrowed his brow at Haru’s reaction, which looked annoyed for some reason.
“Whatever,” Haru mumbled, turning his head to the side. “You can go if you want.”
A part of Rin also started to get annoyed and agitated, though he couldn’t understand why. First he was anxious to leave, but now that Haru was kicking him out, Rin suddenly wanted to stay, to demand why Haru wanted him gone. Why was everything so confusing?
It’s because I’m hungover that I’m not thinking straight, he thought. Yeah, that’s why I feel this way.
And so he left without another word.
Understandably, Rin’s mother sounded very worried over their phone call, and Rin apologized profusely as he heard Gou’s comments of concern in the background. He assured them he’d be home soon and that he would have lunch with them. Arriving home about half an hour later by train, he quietly announced his return and retreated into the shower, praying that his mother didn’t notice the smell of alcohol on him.
After washing up, he felt a little better, though what happened with Haru still lingered on his mind, and he still had a headache, but he kept that to himself. In order to make up for worrying his family, he took charge of preparing lunch and made Gou and his mother stay out of the kitchen, insisting that he’d take care of it.
“Is everything alright, Rin?” his mother asked as they ate katsu don together. “I appreciate your help with lunch but…”
“You seem a little frazzled, big brother,” Gou finished.
“N-no, everything is fine,” Rin replied with some difficulty. He avoided eye contact with his mother, who continued to watch him carefully.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her give him a comforting, knowing smile, and the guilt intensified. Ever since he was a child, he had sworn to himself to never make her worry, to take care of the family just like he promised, both to himself and to his father. His mother never failed to show her appreciation for him, whether it was by preparing his favorite meal or telling him she was proud of his accomplishments as a swimmer. Right now, however, he knew he was making her worry, her and Gou, yet she was as understanding and patient as ever. She didn’t even ask where he’d been last night.
Wanting to keep his hands busy, Rin grasped his mug of tea and nervously took a drink, setting it back on the table, probably with more force than was necessary.
Another round over here!
Rin’s eyes widened as he stared at the mug, and an image flashed through his mind: the slamming down of an empty pint on a counter, then signaling to a bartender to bring him some more beer.
Was he beginning to remember now? Rin rested his elbows on the table and ran a hand through his hair, trying to concentrate.
There was something about… making a phone call… He was trying to call someone. Who was it? Haru? Why would he call Haru, especially after not speaking to him for three months? But then again, perhaps he could have done just about anything while he was drunk. After all, according to Haru, he’d uncharacteristically started taking off his clothes in front of him.
I missed you, too… Rin.
The sound of Haru’s soft voice, the scent of saltwater and him , the sight of concerned eyes and a deep frown, the feel of Haru’s hands supporting his back, holding him tight, the bitter taste of alcohol on his tongue… and also toothpaste?
Rin slammed his hands on the dining table and stood up, pushing back his chair. It was too overwhelming. His mother and sister looked up at him with surprise and concern.
“Big brother,” Gou said. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
“O-of course!” Rin answered a little too cheerfully. “I’m… I’m going out for a walk!”
He excused himself, leaving his food untouched as he practically ran out the door. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he marched through the streets of his neighborhood. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he was panting as if he’d been running.
Slowly, the events of last night started to come back to him…