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“Hey, kid. Wake up.”
Tweek slowly came to and took a look at his surroundings. Wherever he was, it wasn’t familiar to him. Last he remembered, he was walking home from work on a rainy evening. The next thing he knew, he saw a light flash and heard the sounds of horns honking and sirens wailing.
“Where… am I?” asked Tweek weakly.
A dark haired figure in a black suit approached him. “Well, uh, there’s no easy way for me to break this news to you. Welcome to the gates of Hell.”
Tweek looked around. This was Hell? He was expecting something a lot more fiery and painful. Surely this guy was just being hyperbolic.
“Uhh, are you sure this isn’t just an office building? Where’s all the hellfire and brimstone? It smells more like coffee and floor wax here than it does sulfur.”
“What, this old place? I’m still having everything renovated. Pardon the mess.” The figure laughed. “Oh, if only Father were here to see what I’ve done with the place.”
“Father? Does that mean you’re…”
“Damien, son of Satan and current Executive of Hellish Affairs.” He handed Tweek a business card. It bursted into flames upon leaving his hand. “I suppose you’re wondering how you died and ended up here?”
Tweek was starting to get anxious. Was he really dead? There was no way. He felt perfectly fine, no illness or injuries that he could recall. However, he was starting to sense a bit of pain sweeping over his body.
“Ugh, fine. Just tell me so I can get to the part where I suffer eternally.”
“Whoa there, let’s not get hasty,” said Damien. “I run things a lot differently than my father used to. But let’s not stray from the matter at hand here. You were sent here before your time was supposed to come. Do you know how much paperwork I’m going to have to file because of this?” He slammed his fist on the desk, scattering papers about.
Oh god, thought Tweek. This guy is going to kill me… again!
Damien took a deep breath. “Sorry, I was a bit rash there. As I was saying, you were hit by a car on your way home from your job. Surprisingly it wasn't a very messy death, but you did die on impact. What a shame, you're still so young."
Tweek shrugged. "Honestly, I'm surprised I even made it to 20, let alone 24."
"In either case, since you suffered such a premature death that wasn't at all scheduled, we’re offering you an alternative to the typical eternal suffering.”
“You mean I can just wander about as a ghost?”
Damien laughed again. “Don’t be stupid. This is Hell, not Purgatory. We’re looking for more demons to wreak havoc on earth, and I’d like to invite you to offer you a position as an imp. From there, you can climb the ranks and eventually become a full-fledged demon.”
“I don’t suppose I have much of a choice, do I?” Tweek swallowed. He wasn’t all too keen on the concept of being a force of evil or causing harm to others.
“It’s either that or toiling endlessly in the magma pits. Trust me, I’m doing you a favor here.” Damien crossed his arms. He was starting to look a bit impatient.
The prospect of being an imp wasn’t ideal, but it was definitely better than the alternative. Tweek spent enough of his time alive handling hot liquids in an unbearable environment in his reckoning. And besides, maybe Hellish Affairs actually provided benefits unlike his parents.
“You’ve got a deal,” said Tweek, a note of hesitation in his voice.
Damien grabbed a clipboard and pen from his desk. “Down here, everything runs on contracts. Sign here, and everything will be legally bound.”
“What, no blood pact?” asked Tweek, somewhat surprised.
“Blood pacts are archaic and frankly a bit too messy for internal affairs. I like to keep all bloodshed away from my office when possible. Now out in the field is another story altogether.” Damien chuckled menacingly.
Tweek nodded in agreement so as not to potentially anger Damien. He grabbed the pen and scrawled his signature on the line next to the big red X. As he lifted the pen from the paper, both the pen and the clipboard vanished into thin air with a poof of black smoke.
“Congratulations, kid. You’ve just made your first deal with the devil, as they say.” Damien wrapped his arm around Tweek’s shoulder. “We’re going to get you started right away. Follow me.”
Tweek watched as Damien pressed a button and an elevator door opened. “So what exactly does this job entail again?”
“Oh, you know. Striking terror into the lives of others and bringing about suffering and despair. Fun stuff. Now I ask that you reserve all further questions until we reach our destination.”
The elevator seemed to plummet as Tweek and Damien went further and further down. Tweek wasn’t sure just how far up or down they actually were, but as the door opened, they were greeted with a bellowing of hot, damp air.
“This is where we get you set up to begin your impish training. Before we begin, can I interest you in a cup of tea?”
Tweek shook his head. “I’m more of a coffee person, if I’m honest here.”
“Don’t let the Director of Infernal Development hear that.”
“Hear what , my love?” A voice echoed from a place Tweek couldn’t pinpoint.
“Please don’t call me that when I’m taking somebody through orientation, Pip.” Damien shook his head. “Sorry.
A puff of white fog appeared, revealing a lanky blond-haired individual adorned in outdated English fashion. “Oh dear, you’ll simply have to ignore my manners. My name’s Philip, Director of Infernal Development and right hand man to the ruler of Hell himself.”
Damien groaned. “Call him Pip. Can’t have him getting chummy with every last imp, demon, and hellspawn that wanders their way in here.”
“Oh don’t be silly! Damien here’s just a bit of a jealous lover.”
“Am not!”
Tweek could feel the room getting hotter. The tension in the air was palpable. “I uhhhh, look forward to training under your wing, Pip.”
Pip flashed his teeth in a devilish grin. “Right-o! Now before we get you set, may I interest you in some tea?”
Tweek suddenly understood why it might be a bad idea to refuse. “Yes, please.”
Over the course of a few weeks, Tweek had learned a lot about the impish arts. He became versed in the art of illusion magic and prestidigitation. Once he had grasped the basics, he was taught how to alter his shape and turn invisible. Since he was learning so quickly, Pip figured now was the time to take the next step in the process.
“You’ve done a bang-up job learning how to be a proper imp. I’d say you’ve quite earned your impish features.” Pip snapped his fingers, and Tweek suddenly grew a pair of curved horns, a pair of bat-like wings, and a long, pointy tail.
“Oh god, you didn’t tell me it was going to hurt so much!” Tweek felt a sharp pain pretty much everywhere. He felt like he could pass out.
“Of course it hurts. This is Hell, after all.” This was fair enough.
“So now what do I do?”
Pip grinned. “I like your eagerness! I’d say it's the proper time to take you out into the field and on your first mission. Since it’s your first foray out into the mortal world as an imp, I’ll accompany you in case things go pear shaped.”
“Wait, this could go wrong?”
“There are plenty of ways to incapacitate or even kill a demon. But I have the utmost faith that you’ll be absolutely cracker-jack at this! Just keep close to me and you’ll be fine.”
Pip pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a magic circle on the ground. When he and Tweek were standing in the circle, he chanted a few words in a long-dead language, causing a portal to open beneath them.
“Where are we heading?” asked Tweek. For somebody who had only just grown wings, he was doing a decent job keeping up with Pip as they flew across the veil between Hell and Earth.
“As we discussed during your training, your job as an imp is to essentially wreak mischief upon people who mess around with the supernatural and the occult. Things like séances and ouija boards have a distinct energy signature that demons can pick up on. You just find one of these signatures, pop into the mortal plane, and scare the ever-living dickens out of them!”
Tweek understood what he had to do, but he was still curious about something. “To what end does this serve? I mean, why do we entertain this kind of thing?”
“It’s really quite simple,” explained Pip. “Humans are curious beings, always getting involved with things they shouldn’t. The idea is to stop them with a lesser imp in hopes of scaring them off before they try something like summoning a greater demonic entity or even Lord Damien himself.”
“But isn’t the whole point of us being demons to unleash Hell on Earth?”
Pip shook his head firmly. “That might have been how Satan ran things, but Damien isn’t like his father at all. He might not look like it at first glance, but he’s actually quite kind. He’d rather have as little involvement on Earth as possible.”
“Okay, so we’re not trying to kill them or anything. Good to know. I don’t think I have it in me to actually kill somebody.”
It wasn’t long before Tweek started getting a headache out of nowhere. He groaned a bit as the sensation he was feeling grew stronger.
“Right, I forgot to mention,” said Pip, “that you might experience a bit of sensitivity your first few times you enter an area with spiritual energy. It’ll pass before you know it.”
Tweek nodded his head as the two pressed on toward the source of the energy. It was weird seeing Earth from this point of view. He had flown in an airplane a handful of times, but somehow this felt different from that. Maybe it was the sensation of being in the ethereal plane making him feel out of sorts.
When they flew down closer to the phenomenon, Tweek started to notice familiar sights. They had returned to South Park of all places. Somehow it didn’t surprise him that weird shit was going on in his hometown.
“Oh dear,” said Pip. “I never thought I’d be back in this town. I haven’t returned ever since… well, since I died.”
“Well, that makes two of us,” replied Tweek, looking around to figure out where the supernatural feeling was strongest. He flew down familiar streets, seeing plenty of people he recognized. It was weird seeing all the people he once knew, but knowing they couldn’t see him back from his position in the rift between worlds.
“I say, did this town ever get any better in the time I was absent?”
“If anything, I’d say the opposite really.” Tweek stopped flying in front of a house he was more than familiar with. It was the house of Craig, his former boyfriend. He wondered how Craig was handling his death. Was he coping well? Had he already moved on to somebody else?
Moreover, why was there such an abundance of supernatural energy radiating from his house?
“Pip, I think this might be the place.” Tweek bit his lip. Craig had never taken an interest in the occult. Why now?
“Good show, old sport! Now for the fun part. Time to start a ruckus!” Pip flew up and through an upstairs window, Tweek following close behind.
Of all the things Tweek could have anticipated, seeing his former boyfriend in a black robe attempting to use a ouija board, tears streaming down his face. The lights were turned off, but the flickering of black candles dimly illuminated the room. The scent of incense burning was an interesting touch. Had he maybe picked up something he thought would attract spirits?
“Please, I’m begging you.” Craig called out. “Tweek, you have to be there somewhere. I have something I need to tell you.”
Tweek froze in place. “He’s calling for me. I wish I could just talk to him and let him know I’m alright. Can I show myself to him?”
“Absolutely not!” huffed Pip. “What if he gets any bright ideas and tries to summon another demon or something he’ll hurt himself with? You’re here to deter him from doing this kind of thing again.”
“But surely if I can talk to him, I can give him some closure and he won’t feel the need to contact me again?”
Pip took a deep breath. “Fine, but this is highly unorthodox, especially for a rookie like yourself. But you must talk to him via the ouija board without showing yourself.”
“I understand.” Tweek placed his hand on the planchette, ready to communicate with Craig. He moved it around to spell out “I AM HERE.”
“Tweek, is that you?” asked Craig, suddenly shaken by the movement of the focal piece.
Tweek moved the planchette to “Yes.”
A look of relief washed over Craig’s face. “Wait, you could be lying. Prove that it’s actually you.”
Pip crossed his arm. “What a silly mortal. The rules of divination forbid the dead from lying. Everybody knows that.”
“Excuse me, I’m trying to have a moment here!” Tweek glared over with a look of contempt.
“Right-o, carry on.” Pip conjured a cup and teapot and poured himself a cup of tea.
“OUR FIRST KISS WAS ON THE FERRIS WHEEL THE DAY YOU GOT YOUR BRACES REMOVED.” Tweek found this whole communicating one letter at a time thing very tedious, but rules were rules.
“Alright, so maybe it is you. I just wanted to let you know that I really miss you, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” Tears pooled in Craig’s eyes. He looked so sad, maybe even a bit scared.
Tweek teared up upon hearing this. He wished he could be there for him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and let him know that everything’s okay.
“Pip, are you sure there’s nothing I can do to be with him? I can tell he’s really hurting. I can’t stand seeing him like this.”
Pip sighed. “Usually I don’t grant clearance for this kind of thing for imps, especially newly recruited ones, but I’ll make an exception this one time since I admire your moxie.” He conjured a piece of parchment. “If you can get him to sign this contract, you’ll gain posession of his soul upon his death. There is a caveat, however.”
“And that would be?” Tweek raised an eyebrow.
“A contract goes two ways. For the remainder of his life, you are bound to his servitude. But on the bright side, this makes for a splendid return on investment!”
Tweek looked at the contract, carefully inspecting all the legal jargon and searching for fine print. “You mean as soon as Craig dies, I have to spend the rest of eternity as your lackey?”
“I’ll have you know that Manager of Infernal Resources is a prestigious title that one should be honored to be offered. And besides, your little boy toy there can be your secretary. Don’t you think that’s a little better than him spending eternity in the ash pits?”
Tweek sighed. “I suppose you have a point. Now step back and watch as I make a dramatic entrance.”
If there was one thing that helped Tweek with his impish abilities, it was his flair for the dramatic. In a way, prestidigitation was a lot like the magical equivalent of theater tech. He started by using a hand gesture to snuff out all the candles in the room in one fell swoop.
“CRAIG TUCKER,” he said in a booming voice. “YOU HAVE OPENED YOUR HEART TO DARKNESS. NOW YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.” Tweek re-lit the candles with a fierce intensity as he manifested himself into the physical plane with a cloud of black smoke. “Ta-da!” he announced in his regular voice.
“What the fuck?! Tweek, is that you!” Craig shakily rose to his feet and staggered back. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be dead!”
“You really shouldn’t fuck with ouija boards, man. You never know what you’re gonna summon. You’re lucky it was me and not some hellspawn with a lust for blood.”
“Are you here to drag me to Hell?”
“Geez Craig, I’m not the fucking grim reaper. I’m just here to make you an offer. Remember how you said you wished we could be together forever? Well now we can be!” Tweek presented the contract to Craig.
Craig grabbed the parchment and gave it a once-over. “So if I give you my soul, you have to do whatever I want until I die?”
“Within my abilities,” added Tweek, pointing to a clause clarifying the limits of the servitude.
“Well I know you’re capable of everything I need you to be. You have yourself a deal.” Craig grabbed a pin from his pocket and pricked his finger, signing the document with his blood.
Tweek laughed. “Dude, you could have just used a pen. Let me hand this off to my supervisor, and I’m as good as yours.” He blinked back into the ethereal plane.
“Bravo, Tweek! You’ve got quite the knack for this business. You didn’t even have to entice him with money or power or anything.”
Tweek blushed. “What can I say? Love is a hell of a thing. No pun intended.”
Pip rolled his eyes. “Just hand me the contract so I can piss off and pretend I didn’t hear that. I have dinner arrangements with the Executive of Hellish Affairs, and he gets very cross when I’m late.”
“Thanks for everything, Pip. I’m forever in your debt.”
“Indeed you are,” said Pip as he flashed a particularly demonic grin. “Well then, off I go. Cheers!”
Tweek reappeared at Craig’s side. “I’m back. What can I do for you, Master ?” He said the last word with an especially servile tone.
“First off, drop the formalities. I don’t care that you’re some kind of fiendish hell companion. You’re still my boyfriend.”
“You know people are gonna look at you weird when they see you talking to somebody they can’t see.”
Craig looked puzzled. “What do you mean? You’re standing right here.”
“Yeah, that’s the thing. I’m actually floating around in the ethereal plane. The only reason you can see me is because of the contract you signed. I mean, I can technically enter your world, but people are going to have a lot of questions if they see me alive, especially if I look like an imp.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”
“If you want me to, I can shapeshift when we’re in public so that people don’t give you strange looks.”
“Okay, but don’t change yourself too much. I like you just the way you are. Or maybe the way you were before you died. Oh, who am I kidding? The horns and stuff are kinda hot, too.”
Tweek’s face was almost as red as his horns. “You’re too kind. Mind if I kiss you?”
“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”
Craig and Tweek locked lips and kissed with the utmost passion. The sensation of their touch felt all the more powerful now that they were reunited, as if a void had been filled in their hearts.
Craig was dumbstruck. “Wow. I- uh.. Wow. Can we do that again?”
Tweek grinned. “As much as you like. I’m at your service, and I’m one hell of a kisser.”