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The first time Sam Fraser heard the words “I love you” whispered to her was when none other than Peter Brody uttered them past his painfully chapped lips and prickly stubble on his chin. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple, and since they were in the middle of the football field, she had to play up the moment and smile disingenuously merely to please him. But she wanted to gag at the strong smell of overly masculine cologne that was filling her nostrils; she couldn’t do a thing about it, and so she leaned into him with a hesitant arm wrapped around his waist. She pictured him as someone else, as someone she loved and lost and never got to speak her truth of loving her, nor did Deena ever find the chance to say those words to her because the last time they saw each other was before the blonde moved to Sunnyvale. And now we’re here in this moment where Sam has heard them from the last person she ever wanted to hear them from, her only response being a quiet, “Me too.”
But now she’s here, standing in the crowd with the rest of the Shadysider’s. Their eyes lock for a moment and Sam bites her lip nervously, knowing Deena has definitely seen the display of affection. Hell, it wasn’t even a display of affection; for her, it was grotesque and wrong and weird. The guilt only welled up in her chest as Deena scoffed in disbelief and walked off of the field, nearing the bleachers where she and Sam often snuck out to during games to make out.
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Sam muttered so quietly that she wasn’t even sure Peter heard her, but he was far too distracted when some of his buddies approached to banter before the game started. Good, at least she could get away from him and he wouldn’t give a damn about it. As she approached Deena, she dusted off her cheerleading uniform as if it would rid her of the grasp she felt stuck in moments before.
“Sam,” Deena piped up, quickly standing up from her spot on the ground and wiping her eyes to rid herself of the tears that were on the brink of falling.
“I didn’t think you were coming. I thought you quit band,” Sam said as she played with the hem of her skirt, far too scared to make direct eye contact with the girl.
Especially as Deena’s cold demeanor came forward as she built her walls up. She always dreamt of the moment she would see Sam again, and it always ended with them getting back together. But she knew that wasn’t good for her one bit, not after how Sam hurt her. It was wishful thinking, really.
“Yeah, I did. Here,” Deena said with a tone that was sharper than a knife, kicking a shoebox over into her direction. The shoebox in all of its glory, crowded with an assortment of stickers and random writings. It contained every physical souvenir of their relationship, ranging from a strip of pictures they took in the photo booth on their first date, to the cheesy handmade card Sam gifted Deena on Valentine’s Day.
Sam stopped in her tracks as she recognized the shoebox, and suddenly every single memory from the first time they met all the way to now flooded through her brain, the bittersweet memories crashing like waves onto the shore and nearly knocking her down with it. She bent down to open the lid, shaky hands grazing the first object she saw - the Valentine’s Day card. She felt like such a fool for thinking Deena would keep any last memory of her. “Is this my stuff?”
“Ding, ding, ding,” Deena responded simply, watching as Sam stood up. She hoped that maybe, just maybe she would walk away with the shoebox and they would never have to see each other again other than in passing.
“I miss you, Deena,” Sam said slowly and carefully, unable to control the fact that her feet were moving her closer and closer towards her.
Deena shook her head, taking a few steps backwards. “Did you miss me when you moved to Sunnyvale?”
“Of course I did, is that even a question?” The blonde frowned, her eyebrows creasing. “Please stop being cold with me, Deena. All I want is to fix things, okay?”
Deena shut her eyes with annoyance, her fists clenching as she took a deep breath in to avoid losing her cool. “You want to fix things, really? How am I meant to believe a word you say when you’re cuddling up to Sunnyvale’s biggest homophobic prick?”
“I…” Sam's words caught in her throat and everything burned. Her throat, her chest, her eyes. She swallowed hard to rid herself of the sensation, shaking her head. "I don't like him, if that's what you're wondering."
"I'm not fucking jealous, Sam, if that's what you're assuming," Deena snapped almost immediately as Sam had finished speaking. And she too felt that ache in her chest, at the fact that she was so conflicted by the situation. She didn't know whether she wanted to scream at her or kiss her, but she decided neither option would suffice for now.
"I didn't assume anything, you're jumping to conclusions," Sam huffed, crossing her arms. Rain began to fall from the sky and it felt almost sudden, it felt like it was perfect for the moment. She rubbed her arms up and down from the cold, a pout resting upon her lips.
Deena just about broke down. Here Sam Fraser was, standing in front of her, clad in a Sunnyvale cheerleader uniform, borderline shivering from the cold, trying to keep herself warm as the rain picked up and dampened her hair, ruining the perfect half-up half-down hairstyle she did earlier in the night. The "old" Deena would have given Sam her hoodie, taking her into her arms to keep her warm.
But what the hell would "new" Deena do?
As it turns out, she's not much different than she used to be, sighing as she pulled the black hoodie over her head and handed it to Sam. "Take it."
Sam stood there for a moment as she gazed at the hoodie that was reached out towards her. It was one of the hoodies she returned to Deena before she moved, and she's been wishing she could have kept it. But now, this honor is being bestowed on her once more.
"Well? Are you not going to take it?" Deena was growing impatient now, feeling like she's already overstayed her welcome. Honestly, after all this, she would rather head out to her car and shove the mixtape she made for Sam into the radio, allowing the tears to fall like the rain did.
"Yeah, sorry," Sam muttered. A hesitant hand came up to take the hoodie from Deena's own shaking ones before she slipped the article of clothing over her uniform. She bit her lip as the smell of Deena's cologne wafted around her. If anyone asked, Sam would just lie and say she grabbed her hoodie out of the car after going to the bathroom. The blonde was aware of all the little white lies she started telling the Sunnyvalers she was associated with, but she couldn't afford to speak even half-truths.
"Goodbye, Sam," Deena spoke up again as she shoved her hands in the pockets of her pants, planning on turning around and walking off.
"Wait!" Sam blurted out quickly, surprising even herself. She wasted no time in approaching her, taking her face in her hands and crashing their lips together - it felt as natural as ever, as if nothing had changed at all and no time had passed and Sam was still in Shadyside and Deena was still just a little too hopeful that things would finally go the way she envisioned them to.
This is yet another moment Deena dreamt of in her time apart from Sam, their lips moving in a rhythm that was all too familiar, a kiss filled with emotions of anger and jealousy and melancholy. Salty tears and fallen rain seemed to combine; uncertainty rose when knowing where the rain ended and the tears began.
Deena's hands drifted to Sam's waist and Sam's hands rested on Deena's chest just below her collarbones as they always did when they kissed, and it felt easy. Everything felt easy together, even when everything was complicated. But that's because they've always been so hopeful about sticking together through it all - graduating together, leaving Shadyside together, moving in together, going to college together, getting married to each other, and the list goes on and on forever, or at least as long as it can go on in their lives.
The second time Sam Fraser heard the words "I love you" whispered to her was when she was kissing none other than her ex-girlfriend and rival Shadysider band nerd Deena Johnson. The words uttered past her soft lips and freckled face, and Sam's nostrils filled with the ever so familiar cologne the brunette wore. As if she was learning Deena all over again, she realized just how much she positively contrasted from Peter.
When Peter touched her, Sam wanted to wash and scrub her body until her skin was raw and the disgusting feeling was gone.
When Deena touched her, Sam wanted to savor the contact for the rest of her days. There was nothing she loved more than being with Deena - even if they were broken up, even if they were in an argument moments ago, even if they were kissing in the rain right now.
Surely someone could spot them while looking for the pair that snuck off, but they didn't give a damn as they kissed and only broke away when they needed air.
Deena panted softly, her forehead rested against Sam's. This was wrong, but it felt so right. Maybe she would get hurt again, but she would let Sam and Sam only break her heart a million times over.
"Deena…" Sam whispered, absentmindedly playing with the collar of her shirt.
"This…" Deena swallowed, feeling like she could choke on her words at any moment. "I love you, but this is a one time thing, Sam."
Sam's heart shattered the same way Deena's did when they ended things, and little did Deena know that Sam's heart too was in pieces, seemingly irrevocable.
But for Sam, Deena would pick up every little piece of her heart that was merely shards similar to glass now, mending them together with the strength of her love for Sam.
"I love you," Sam whispered back. "And I miss you so, so much. Don't run away from me again."
Deena bit her lip, unsure if she could make such a promise. Her head was telling her no, but her heart was telling her yes. And the heart wants what it wants.
"I could be saying the same thing to you, Fraser," The brunette had a smirk that was ever growing, her usually playful demeanor coming out.
"You're insufferable," Sam huffed, shoving the other girl gently as she tried to deny the smile that was fixating itself upon her lips.
"You know you love me," Deena said proudly as her hands found Sam's hips, pulling her close again.
The blonde nodded happily, finding herself absentmindedly playing with the curls of her ex-girlfriend's hair. Or maybe now girlfriend again? She wasn't sure, but she wasn't going to let the distance - a very small distance of thirty minutes, might I add - or school rivalry come between them again. She knew it would be to her mother's dismay that even after she had her move to Sunnyvale, nothing about her love for Deena had changed nor would it ever.
"Can we just start over again?" Sam asked softly with a tilt of the head and a hopeful smile on her lips.
And as bright blue eyes gazed into usually bored but now just as bright brown eyes, Deena knew she would never be able to resist Sam Fraser.
"Alright stranger, I know we just met but I'd like to take you out on a date," Deena teased, earning her a small shove on the shoulder.
"I'd like that, stranger," Sam's smile only grew, it was always the most genuine of smiles when she was with Deena.
"I'll text you the details," Deena promised, beginning to break away from their warm embrace. "We should go back, pretend like we still hate each other's guts."
"Should we?" Sam asked, but it came out as more of a bold statement, knowing that neither one of them wanted to deal with the Sunnyvale and Shadyside rivalry in the form of a brutal football match. She tugged on Deena's shirt slightly to bring her back into her arms.
"Nah, you're right," Deena grinned, familiar hands resting on Sam's waist once more. "Let's go get cheeseburgers."
"Oh my god, you know just how to win my heart."