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Thomas had thought his life was done throwing curveballs at him. He thought he was done learning new things about himself after figuring out he was trans.
He should have thought again.
He and the rest of the band were rehearsing “Chosen” for their X-Factor audition when it happened. It was nothing new. Ethan tipped his head back and laughed. But the way his face lit up, his smile was so beautiful. His gorgeous brown eyes sparkled. Ethan came alive and a warm, gooey want bloomed in Thomas’s chest.
He froze. What the hell?
That feeling had no business being associated with Ethan. Those were feelings that went with attraction, with a crush and besides that, Thomas liked girls . He’d known he liked girls since before he knew he was a boy. But he definitely felt it.
“Thomas, are you ok?” Victoria asked, and that’s when he realized he’d stopped paying attention to what was going on around him.
Shit . “Yeah, sorry. I just spaced out for a second,” Thomas lied easily.
He didn’t know how he did it, but he got through the rehearsal without drawing any more attention to himself and was quick to leave.
---
Before figuring out he was a man, Thomas had thought he was a lesbian. He hadn’t told anyone, not even Victoria. He wasn’t ready then, and now he’d just thought he’d just been a straight man all along.
Then today, and that feeling.
About Ethan.
Ethan.
He had only just locked himself into his room when it fully hit him. Thomas wasn’t straight. He was into boys too.
The gooey warmth and fluttering of butterflies he was used to feeling around Ethan when the drummer would smile just for him, the way Thomas never wanted to pull away when Ethan hugged him… God, even the amount of times Thomas found himself looking at Ethan’s lips and thinking about how soft they looked…
How did it slip his notice? He had a crush on Ethan! One of his best friends in the whole world!
Panic the size of the world itself threatened to crush him. He was bisexual, and his first crush on a boy was on his straight friend. Oh fuck, Ethan was going to think Thomas was one of those guys who can’t take a hint, who preys on straight guys! Thomas’s blunt nails dug into his forearms as he hugged himself.
He didn’t want to be that guy. He didn’t want to mess up his friendship with Ethan. Not over some stupid crush. He rode the tornado of panic and decided then and there he wasn’t going to let being bisexual or his stupid crush mess with his life.
---
He made it a week before that plan fell apart.
Victoria was trying to get him to join a local queer support group with her. She had been for about a week. She wanted to go, make new friends, have a safe space to talk about queer issues. Thomas, however, didn’t feel ready.
“Please, Thomas,” Victoria begged. “Maybe there will be someone else trans there! Wouldn’t you wanna talk to a trans person about what you’re going through? God knows I wanna talk to other bisexual people about the things I feel.”
Thomas felt the tug in his gut and he knew he wouldn’t be keeping this secret. “But you can.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t know any other bisexual people.” Victoria said with a frown.
“Oh, so I’m nobody now?” Thomas joked.
Victoria stilled and then her face slowly lit up, her smile threatening to take over her whole face. Her eyes were sparkling as she grabbed Thomas’ arm and breathed out, “Really?”
“Yeah, really,” Thomas said softly.
He wasn’t prepared for her to launch herself at him with a hug. To say Victoria was excited was an understatement. She squeezed him tight and babbled cheerfully about how thrilled she was to have a bisexual friend now.
“We’ll have to talk about boys together,” she teased after she calmed. Thomas’ stomach clenched as Ethan automatically popped into his mind.
“Sure,” he said dryly, sending his best friend into a laughing fit.
---
Victoria encouraged him to come out to the rest of the band, and while the fear of Ethan figuring him out clung to Thomas like a bad smell, he did it. Damiano grinned and cracked a joke, but Ethan had simply smiled and said, “thank you for telling me”.
Only a few weeks later, they auditioned for X-Factor. Thomas had been nervous for more than one reason. Thomas had to tell the producers he was trans, but had made it very clear he didn’t want that broadcasted on television if they were selected. Since coming out, Thomas had gone through another growth spurt, had been practicing speaking in a lower register, and had gotten his hair cut by a professional. For the most part, he passed, but if they made it to the house, he couldn’t stay in his binder forever.
It wasn’t that he was ashamed of who he was. Well, scratch that; he was working on not being ashamed of who he was. Therapy was helping. But announcing he was trans on national television would send all the bigots his way, and Thomas just couldn’t do it.
Luckily, the producers were understanding and agreed to keep it under wraps. After that, all Thomas thought about was the music.
Playing for the judges was both easier and scarier than playing for the producers. Thomas had focused on the crowd; that had been the easy part. Playing with his best friends to a crowd of people was exhilarating, and everything Thomas loved about life. Being judged for it, though? Terrified him.
Manuel was the only one not sure about them. He questioned their maturity but still gave them their third yes, and Thomas felt like he was on cloud nine. They did it. They fucking did it!
---
It was hard work preparing for boot camp from then on out. Thomas dedicated every second he could to it, so much so he cut out other things in his life, but Victoria hadn’t given up on her idea of that support group.
“I just think it would be good for us,” she kept saying.
And then Thomas made the mistake of mentioning it around his dad.
His dad had been his rock since coming out. Papa was still learning, just like Thomas, but Papa took to everything like a fish to water. Mamma, on the other hand, was still having a harder time accepting that she didn’t have a daughter. It hurt him every time she slipped up on his pronouns and she slipped up a lot, but she really was working on calling Thomas by his new name and on using the right pronouns.
And Papa was always there to steady Thomas when his emotions got too overwhelming about it all. He was always there for Thomas; he saw the emotions and the ugliness Thomas hid from his friends. So Papa was in favor of the support group.
“Just go to one meeting,” Papa said, “and if you don’t like it, Victoria and I will drop it.”
So Thomas had gone, slumping along behind Victoria, who had practically bounced into the gay community center where the meeting was being held. There were about 18 other teenagers hanging around, shooting the shit while they waited for everyone to arrive.
Thomas felt as if invisible ants were crawling all over his skin. The longer the two of them were there, the more they were expected to open up. Instead, Thomas felt like his throat was going to close up and his chest cave in.
In the middle of it, he fled. Leaving Victoria to listen to another person talk about being accosted on the train by a transphobe.
Thomas sat outside the center, breathing heavily and shaking like a leaf. Why couldn’t he handle it? Why had he run?
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and Thomas jumped, yelping like a wounded animal. But it was only Victoria.
“Are you okay, Thomas?” she asked.
“I-” He started, prepared to lie, but what was the point? “No. I’m sorry Vic, I know you wanted me to do this with you but I just… I don’t know.”
“You’re not ready,” Vic said simply, sitting down next to him on the dirty ground. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry, Tony.”
“It’s okay, Vincenzo.”
They sat there in silence while Thomas collected himself and then walked home together.
---
They killed it at boot camp.
Going for a song in Italian seemed to have bettered their chances, and Thomas was feeling good about their chances at the judges’ house. He was feeling good about things in general.
It turned out he was right to feel good about the judge’s house, because they made it to the live shows.
The day before he moved into the X-Factor house, Thomas finished packing and spent the day with his parents. His mom had been trying her best, but with the sad glances she’d make at his hair, Thomas could tell that Mamma wasn’t done mourning Sofia yet.
The move wasn’t bad. He took the train with the rest of the band, bringing their suitcases. Thomas and Ethan roomed together to keep Thomas’ gender identity under wraps. Though if the producers had made any complaints about it, he knew Victoria would have roomed with him in a heartbeat.
Rooming with Ethan did nothing to help Thomas squash his crush. Ethan was the same kind, caring Ethan as ever, asking if Thomas was feeling okay after a long day of wearing his binder, or if someone said something that Ethan thought might trigger him or be insensitive. It was sweet. Especially because Thomas was pushing his body in all the wrong ways.
---
The week of the third live shows, during rehearsals, Thomas noticed Ethan staring at him with a frown and pursed lips.
“What?” Thomas asked.
“You’ve been wearing your binder for a long time,” Ethan said softly. “Too long.”
Suddenly Victoria and Damiano were looking at him too, and Thomas blushed. He hugged his guitar to his chest and looked down.
“Don’t worry about it,” he muttered.
“You’ve been doing that a lot lately,” Damiano cut in. “It’s not safe.”
“I’ll be fine.” Thomas found himself getting more defensive. Even as he did, he knew he was being stupid, but he just couldn’t help it.
“No one’s judging you,” Ethan said gently. “We care about you and we’re worried about your health.”
Thomas deflated. “It’s the cameras. I don’t want them to get a shot of my chest.”
Victoria frowned now. “But the producers said they’d help you hide from the audience.”
“I know. It’s not logical. It’s just…” Thomas trailed off.
“Paranoia?” Damiano offered and Thomas nodded.
He was terrified of his chest being seen by the viewers. The other contestants had already seen him without his binder and that was hard enough. No one had said anything, at least not to him, but that didn’t stop his discomfort at being vulnerable with them like that.
“Take it off,” Victoria blurted out, making Thomas stiffen.
“Vic—”
“We won’t let the cameras film you,” she said, cutting him off. “Please, don’t fuck up your body.”
With a sigh, Thomas went to the bathroom and took off his shirt. He couldn’t deny that his ribs ached, maybe even more as he started to peel the binder off his chest. Angry red lines marked his milky white skin, evidence of Thomas’ misuse.
Thomas sighed and folded up the binder until it was small enough to fit into pocket. He put his shirt back on and walked back out to where his friends were waiting patiently for him. He blushed, feeling three sets of eyes on him, and grabbed his guitar.
“Let’s play.”
---
Victoria seemed to stick closer to him after that. He was annoyed by it on some level. He didn’t need someone checking on him all the time; he wasn’t a child. But it also felt good to have her attention, to have her care so much. He assumed it was just because they were best friends and he wanted his best friend to himself, but two weeks later he found himself doubting that.
It was the fifth live show, they were playing their second song of the night, and Vic and Thomas were right in each other's faces as they played. She looked so good, so beautiful, and he found his eyes darting to her eyes, thinking how he could get lost in them forever. He thought he never wanted to take her eyes off her. That’s when he knew.
His stomach sank. The fuck was wrong with him? Victoria was his best friend .
He couldn’t get a crush on her.
He couldn’t!
He had a crush on her.
In the days following that performance, he kept noticing how she gave him butterflies. How her hugs made his heart flutter, how her smile made him feel warm and fuzzy. He wanted to cry.
His stupid feelings were going to ruin everything. He didn’t want years of friendship to be ruined by a teenage crush where he’ll be stupid and probably get jealous over something dumb. He didn’t want to ruin it all! He didn’t want to be that guy .
But Thomas had never had a guy friend who didn’t become that guy when this happened. When he was the girl. Now that he was the guy, what was stopping Thomas from doing the same?
---
He couldn’t keep his eyes off Ethan and Victoria for the rest of their time at the X-Factor house, no matter how hard he tried. He would tell himself that was it, that he was done liking them—and then find immediately himself staring at Ethan’s large hands or Victoria’s plump lips a moment later.
---
They didn’t win.
It stung. A lot. But he felt honored to have come as far as they did, for the audience to have liked them so much. They had gained so many fans. People cared about their music now.
But a part of him was terrified, because now there were even more people to hide from. How could he ever let these people know he wasn’t born “Thomas”?
---
“I want to go on testosterone,” Thomas told his therapist one sunny afternoon, right before the band was about to go on tour.
She looked up. He’d been seeing her for seven months and wasn’t the first time they had talked about testosterone, not by a long shot. But now he was sixteen, and if his therapist gave her okay, and his parents consented, he was old enough to start HRT. And after the constant, paranoid anxiety that was X Factor, Thomas was ready for a change.
“Are you sure about that, Thomas?” she asked.
“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything in my life.”
They talked at length about the changes he could expect to his body, making sure that he wanted it, the process, the emotional toll—all of it. Thomas was nearly pleading with her. He knew normally you needed to see someone for a year before they would give you the green light, but he couldn’t wait. He couldn’t stay with his body like this.
Maybe it was the urgency in his voice, the desperation in his pleas that made her say yes. Either way, it was the tears in his eyes that had his father consenting too after an hour-long talk.
But that wasn’t all he wanted.
---
“A tattoo?” his mother repeated slowly.
“Yeah,” Thomas said awkwardly. “I want a cobra on my arm.”
Mamma pursed her lips, and Thomas thought she was going to say no for sure. But then she surprised him.
“Your father told me you don’t feel comfortable in your body. Would getting a tattoo make you feel more comfortable?” The words were stiff and awkward on her tongue, but Thomas’ heart gave a leap.
She’d never asked about that kind of stuff before. About what would make him feel more comfortable in his skin. She was trying. In her own uncomfortable way, she was trying.
“Yeah, Mamma, it would.”
“Then yes, you can get a tattoo,” she said.
He went with his parents, holding his mother’s hand the whole time. The cobra turned out exactly how he wanted it. He thought it couldn’t have been any cooler, but on the way home he noticed his mom seemed even more in her head than usual.
“Mamma, what’s wrong?”
“Oh nothing cucciola, don’t worry about me,” she said, and then winced. “I meant cucciolo. I’m sorry, Thomas, I’m trying.”
Thomas reached for her hand. “I know you are.”
His mother met his eyes, and he could see pain there as she hesitantly asked, “Was I wrong to have wanted you to be a girl?”
Eating cement would have been easier.
Thomas didn’t blame Mamma for wanting him to be cis, but she had always pushed Thomas to be a specific kind of girl, the kind Thomas wouldn’t be because he was a boy. Now she was mourning a daughter who had always been a son.
“No, Mamma, I don’t think so. But wanting me to still do that for you? It would be.”
“I don’t,” she said quickly. “I don’t want you to pretend to be someone else. I want you to proudly be yourself, and I want you to be happy, Thomas. You’re my baby, my son, and I only want you to be happy. It’s just… it’s hard losing the daughter I thought I had.”
“But you get a son instead. The one who’s always been here.”
Mamma pushed Thomas’s bangs out of the way and kissed his forehead. “And I love him very much.”
---
He had his very first HRT appointment the day after the tattoo and to his surprise, both of his parents came with him. Thomas thought it would be too much for his mom, but he had been wrong. Both Mamma and Papa held his hands during the shot, wanting to comfort him through the pain. Even though Mamma was still struggling with accepting it all, she paid rapt attention to everything the doctor said and perked up when Papa asked how they could best help Thomas during the transition.
It was nice to see just how much she was trying. He always knew, but to see it so plainly like that? He’d turn away all the money in the world for it.
As the tattoo healed, Thomas couldn’t take his eyes off his cobra tattoo. He loved how manly it made him look, and couldn’t wait to show it off to his friends, especially Damiano.
“Nice, Thomas! It looks badass!” Damiano proclaimed, clapping him on the back when Thomas went over to show Damiano the tattoo.
Thomas beamed proudly, glad someone agreed with him.
“Here, let me show you mine!” Damiano said and took off his shirt.
Thomas had seen the tattoos before, but as Damiano pointed them out and then pulled down his pants enough to show the cheeky “kiss this” tattooed on his ass, Thomas felt his heart begin to beat faster, his palms sweat and… oh no.
Butterflies.
No, no, no! Not again! he thought to himself, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away as Damiano proudly showed off his body.
Three crushes on his three best friends. And two of them were straight guys! What was wrong with him?
Thomas felt sick with himself. His crushes would ruin the band. He’d act stupid and ruin everything if he couldn’t make himself stop.
So again, he told himself he’d squash the crush. But just like with Victoria and Ethan, he couldn’t stop, especially as he continued his testosterone. He was going through puberty again, after all, and he couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous people he spent his days with. He worked hard to be discreet, though. To make sure they didn’t notice when he stared at Damiano’s arms, Ethan’s lips, Victoria’s figure. He was sure he was getting away with it.
He wasn’t.
---
It was a quiet night when he was confronted. Ethan was over and they were playing video games, just the two of them. Thomas lost yet another round of FIFA and as Ethan was celebrating, Thomas’ eyes fell to Ethan’s lips.
“You know, it’s impolite to stare.”
Thomas froze. He felt as if ice had been injected into his veins.
“What?” Thomas whispered.
“I see you,” Ethan said simply. “When you stare at me. At the others. You like us.”
It wasn't a question. This was it. He’d finally done it. He’d ruined everything. Thomas was shaking.
“I’m sorry! I know you’re straight, I—“
Ethan started laughing. “You think I’m straight?”
Thomas blinked. “Well, yeah…”
Ethan smiled softly. “I think I did this wrong. Let me try again.”
Try again?
Then Ethan’s hands were cradling his cheeks and he was slowly pulling Thomas forward while leaning in.
Holy shit.
Ethan’s pulling me in for a kiss , Thomas thought.
His hold was light, so Thomas could pull away. Thomas didn’t. He leaned in, closing his eyes. The kiss was gentle. Sweet. It didn’t last nearly long enough for Thomas’ liking, but it still left his head spinning.
Ethan kissed him.
Ethan liked him back.
Wait—
“About the others—“ Thomas began, but Ethan cut him off with a shake of his head.
“You aren’t the only one who likes them too. We’ll figure that out later. Right now I just want to kiss you.”
“Then do it.”
Ethan leaned in again and kissed Thomas’s smiling lips.
Thomas was still confused about his feelings but Ethan was right, they’d figure it all out later. For now, he just wanted this.