Chapter Text
Sofia Raggi had never felt at home in her body. She could never quite find the words to explain, even to herself, but even from a young age, she felt uncomfortable in her skin. Her parents never saw it, especially her mother; they’d ruffle her blonde locks and tell her what a pretty little girl she was. Sofia never knew why that phrase bothered her so much, but it did a lot.
As she grew up, it became worse. She despised the large breasts that grew, the periods, the dresses and skirts her mom bought, all the expectations, the way people looked at her and talked about her.
“Oh mio, you better lock her down! With that chest, the boys will go crazy!”
“You’re not a little girl anymore, cara. You should put down that silly guitar and quit playing rockstar, it’s not becoming of a young lady.”
“Oh, don’t cut your hair! Only ugly girls have short hair.”
“You’ll understand when you’re a mother one day, Sofia.”
It all made her skin crawl. Why did her family, or anyone for that matter, feel so entitled to her body when she couldn’t even feel at home in it?
The only thing that brought her true joy was music. Sofia had been playing guitar since she was little. In middle school, she started a band with her best friend, Victoria De Angelis. She didn’t know when, but at some point, her parents went from thinking the band was cute to being mildly annoyed, wanting her to quit. Over and over again she would hear her parents say that it was time to get her head out of the clouds, learn a useful skill, respectable young ladies didn’t go around playing music on the streets, and how was she ever going to get a man if all she ever focused on was music? It was true that there was nothing she cared more about than music. Sofia would play guitar until her fingers bled if her friends wouldn’t stop her or her parents wouldn’t threaten to take her guitars away.
At fifteen, Sofia only had three people that she felt she could be herself around, her bandmates, Victoria, Damiano, and Ethan. They didn’t judge her like her family did, didn’t give a fuck if she dressed in clothes she’d stolen from her father’s closet, and were the only people who she really thought saw her for who she was. It wasn’t one-sided, though; they all got each other, and as a group, they got on like a house on fire. Their shared passion for music could light up all of Rome. They played on the streets, even if not everyone’s parents approved, practiced after school, wrote music, covered their favorite songs, and practically lived in each other’s pockets.
The moment things changed for Sofia, she was at band practice. It had been a pretty normal band practice, up until that moment. They were supposed to be putting the finishing touches on one of their original songs, Recovery, but Sofia found herself staring at Damiano and Ethan instead. At first, it was because Damiano was being his usual playful self, messing with their good-natured drummer. But then she couldn’t seem to stop looking at them. Sure, she’d admired her friends’ looks before but this was different. She felt a dark feeling grow in the pit of her stomach. Nasty, toxic feelings she couldn’t begin to describe boiled in her gut and she yearned . But what was she yearning for?
It wasn’t for them. Sofia knew this wasn’t attraction, which just made this all the more confusing.
Victoria seemed to sense her change in mood and called off practice early. The band slowly dispersed, going their separate ways until it was just the two girls left.
“What’s up, Tony?” Victoria asked. “Did Damià do something stupid to upset you?”
The usual warmth that filled Sofia’s chest at the nickname only confused her more. She didn’t understand! She’d always loved that nickname. Why was it just now confusing her? What was happening to her?
“I’m fine, Vincenzo,” Sofia shrugged off the concern.
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Vic huffed, pointing her finger at Sofia dramatically.
“It’s not,” she shouted back, making Victoria blink in shock. Sofia didn’t usually get riled up that easily or shout at her friends. Looking at Victoria’s expression of shock and a little bit of hurt, Sofia’s shoulders slumped in surrender. “I don’t know what the problem is, okay?” She sighed.
Victoria frowned, her brows furrowing. “What do you mean?”
Sofia threw her head back and sighed again. “It means I don’t know! I just… I got hit by this weird feeling. No one did anything and I don’t even know what the stupid feeling is. It’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb if it’s upsetting you,” Vic said softly.
Sofia shook her head. “Just drop it. Please.” Reluctantly, Victoria did, and the two girls sat in comfortable silence for a while before parting.
Sofia’s walk home was full of thoughts of Damiano, Ethan, and Victoria. Victoria was beautiful: she should be jealous, right? She should look at Victoria and wish she had Victoria’s bone structure, figure, or lips, but she didn’t. But when she looked at Ethan and his broad build, large, strong hands, and strong jawline or Damiano and his bulging adam’s apple, his elegant bone structure, and the confident way he carried himself, she… She wanted that.
Fuck.
That’s what the feeling was. Jealousy. She was fucking jealous of Ethan and Damiano.
But she wasn’t supposed to be, right? Girls aren’t supposed to be jealous of boys for their looks.
So what did that say about her? What did it mean?
The rest of her day had been lost to thought. She truly couldn’t tell you what happened the rest of the day or what led to her standing in her bathroom at midnight, staring at her mirror. The girl staring back at her made something ugly and rotten twist up in Sofia’s gut.
She was so soft, so gentle looking. Her long blonde hair made her look like a barbie doll. There were no angles to her face, nothing strong or sharp about her appearance.
Sofia couldn’t stand it.
She didn’t even remember grabbing the scissors, but she’d never forget grabbing handfuls of her hair and hacking it off. The blonde locks that once went to the middle of her back fell to the ground, and now her hair just barely brushed the tops of her ears.
Her hair was uneven, a mop, a complete mess. Sofia was covered in hair, face red and sticky from tears and sniffling loudly whenever she breathed through her nose, but the person looking back at her in the mirror had never looked better. Never felt more like… more like her . She smiled at the person in the mirror and got to cleaning up.
She went to bed that night feeling emotions so big she didn’t have the words for them.
In the morning she put on her baggiest shirt, hiding her busty chest, and when she looked in the mirror, she didn’t want to look away.
She didn’t want to leave her room that morning at all. It was a Saturday and she had planned to spend the day hanging around with Victoria, but the thought of leaving her room to get to the front door made her stomach roll. Her parents were going to freak out when they saw her hair. They never wanted her to have short hair, they never liked her cutting it, and now it was shorter than it had ever been. Logically, she knew it didn’t matter what they wanted or what they thought. What was done was done: she couldn’t go back and uncut her hair even if she wanted, and she certainly didn’t want to.
Creeping out of her bedroom, Sofia headed straight for the front door. Maybe she’d get lucky and leave before her parents could get a good look at her.
She didn’t get lucky.
“Sofia?” She heard her mother call from behind her. Sofia froze, unsure of what to do now that she’d been caught. “Mio Dio! Che cosa hai fatto ai tuoi capelli?” My God! What have you done to your hair?
Sofia reached up to touch her hair self-consciously. She had no idea how to explain what happened and doubted any explanation she could come up with would placate her mother. Slowly, she turned around to face her mother’s horrified expression. “I cut it. It was time for a change.”
“Sofia, if you wanted a haircut you should have told me and I would have done it! You’d still have your beautiful locks and not this mess,” her mother bemoaned. “My pretty girl, my poor girl, you look like a boy!” A spark lit up in Sofia’s chest, and warmth bloomed, even as her mom’s theatrics went on.
You look like a boy!
Huh. She’d never thought much about people mistaking her for another gender before. Sofia had a large bust and, up until last night, long hair, but now, in the baggy shirt and cropped hair maybe they would. To her surprise, Sofia didn’t mind that at all. In fact, she thought she rather liked it.
“Calm down, Mama,” Sofia tried to placate her. “It’s ok! I like it, yeah I need to clean it up but it looks good.”
Her mother huffed and shook her head. “You have such crazy ideas, Sofia.”
The noise must have been too much because her father emerged from her parents’ room, his hair tousled from sleep and eyes blurry. “Aò! What the hell is going on in here?” He demanded.
“Look,” her mother shrieked, pointing at her. “Look at what your daughter did to her hair!” Sofia stiffened at the disgusted and accusing tone.
Her dad turned to look at her and took her in. A slow smile spread across his face.
“Damn, Sof, you couldn’t have been neater?” He teased, dimples flashing and the most charming smile she’d ever seen was directed at her.
She reached up and ruffled her messy hair. “You know me, Papa, always a mess,” she joked back.
“Do you think this is a joke?” Her mother demanded, giving her father a look that could melt the strongest metals. “Not everything is a joke! Can’t you take anything seriously? Look at what Sofia did!” Sofia sank further into herself, shrinking as much as she could.
Her father rolled his eyes. “I am looking at what Sofia did. You’re making a big deal out of nothing! Non è più una bambina! Può fare le sue scelte.” She is no longer a little girl! She can make her own choices.
They wasted no time turning whatever that “talk” was into a fight, and Sofia took the opportunity to make a dash for the door. She had to put on her shoes outside to avoid getting dragged back into the mess inside. With her mother’s words still ringing in her ears, she began the walk to Victoria’s house
You look like a boy.
Did she? Did she really? Why did it fill her with so much warmth, and why was her throat tight? What did any of this mean? Fuck if she knew, but it would haunt her thoughts until she figured it out, she was sure of that.
“Holy shit, your hair!” Vic exclaimed the second she saw Sofia. “Why didn’t you warn me? It’s so different!”
“Yeah, I wanted a change,” Sofia said with a shrug.
Victoria stared at Sofia for a minute, making Sofia feel exposed and vulnerable. “I like it, but you need some cleanup. It's messy. Want me to fix it up for you?” Sofia’s heart skipped a beat. That was it? Victoria liked it? No negative comments? No bullshit about how ugly she looked now? Just an offer to fix it? Sofia smiled.
“Please.”
Sitting in Victoria’s bathroom as Vic quietly cut Sofia’s hair was different than the emotional chaos that was chopping off her hair last night. This was calm, peaceful. The silence wasn’t awkward, it was nice. Comfortable. The feeling of Victoria’s fingers in her hair and the soft, constant sound of the scissors slowed Sofia’s thoughts and her mind could drift.
“There, it’s finished,” Victoria said, breaking the silence. Sofia blinked and looked at her friend’s grinning face. She stood up and looked in the mirror.
Her hair was a bit shorter now, and much neater. It was perfect.
“Thank you Victoria, it’s perfect,” Sofia whispered. She wasn’t sure why but she was becoming overwhelmed with emotions again. She wanted to reach into the mirror and touch the person staring back at her. Her mom was right, they did look a bit like a boy.
“Come on, smile for me!” Victoria pulled out her phone and pointed it at Sofia. “We need a picture to send the boys! They have to see your new haircut too!” Sofia chuckled. Of course, the guys. They’d wanna see this too. She turned to face Vic and gave a small smile. She heard the click and Victoria typing, but then the phone was put away. The boys were quick to respond and again Sofia’s breath caught in her throat as she read over Victoria’s shoulder, seeing the positive things her friends had to say.
“Ethan’s right, it does suit you,” Vic said, looking up from her phone with a smile. Victoria reached up and ruffled Sofia’s hair, completely unaware of the whirlwind going on in Sofia’s head. Her heart was pounding, blood rushing so loudly it was all she could hear. Her thoughts raced, trying to match the insane pace of her heart.
“Come on, I got a new video game,” Vic said, snapping Sofia back to reality as Vic put her phone away. The other girl was completely oblivious to Sofia’s world being flipped upside down. “Let’s go play.”
Sofia’s mind was still reeling. Damiano thought she looked good, Ethan and Victoria thought it suited her. Unlike at home, her friends didn’t blink. They just accepted her. That could happen? She could just be accepted? She could just be? These people had always understood her better than anyone else in the world. She’d been nervous to share this new scary part of herself with them, but they showed her that she could just be herself in front of them. She was never more glad to be wrong.
“Yeah, okay.”