Chapter Text
Thomas woke up in a tangle of limbs. All four of them fell asleep half on top of each other and this meant Thomas woke to Victoria drooling on his shoulder and Ethan’s knee digging into his back while Damiano held and snuggled with his arm like it was a teddy bear.
Maybe at this age Thomas should be embarrassed to have his three friends all over him, but instead, warmth bubbled in his chest and a thrill shot down his spine. He felt… wanted, and he wanted to wrap himself in the feeling and never leave. But then Ethan woke up.
Slowly the group began to wake and detangle themselves from each other. Thomas closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep as Ethan and then Damiano woke and pulled themselves from the pile of bodies. Thomas felt his heart drop without them, like he’d swallowed whole ice cubes. The single pair of arms around his middle kept him from freezing internally but he felt as if he wouldn’t be warm again until he had all three of them again.
When Vic began to rouse, he abandoned the charade. Ethan smiled at him. “Morning, Thomas.”
“Morning,” Thomas said back.
Damiano grunted in greeting and Thomas snickered. Yeah, that was enough for him too.
Victoria and Thomas got dressed while Ethan and Damiano went to freshen up, having not brought an extra pair of clothes with them. They were mostly quiet during breakfast, discussing what they wanted to do today. Damiano was insistent they hit his house so he could get some clean clothes, Ethan agreeing he’d also like to grab some fresh clothes, but other than that they weren’t sure what they wanted to do other than be together.
The reality of last night was starting to hit Thomas, making his stomach twist, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He was done crying, he refused to waste any more time crying, so he shoved his feelings into a ball and pushed it all down.
“We should go shopping,” Victoria said.
“Again?” Thomas groaned.
“You need clothes that fit you. It’s time to stop wearing your dad’s clothes.”
Thomas guessed if they hit thrift stores he might have enough money for a few outfits. Damiano’s eyes lit up at the prospect of shopping; he was as bad as Victoria.
“Oh, all right,” Thomas conceded.
They left Victoria’s and stopped at Ethan’s first. He was quick to change, and then they hit Damiano’s. They lounged around on his couch as they waited for their diva of a friend to come out. When he finally came out, twenty minutes later, he still wasn’t fully dressed. He didn’t have a shirt on.
“Damiano, what the hell?!” Victoria exclaimed.
“Oh calm down, I’m almost done!” Damiano defended himself. “Thomas, come here, I have an idea!”
Thomas shared a look with Victoria, who had a large frown on her face, but Thomas shrugged carelessly and got up. He followed Damiano back into his room and saw an array of shirts spread out on Damiano’s bed.
“Dam, did you pull me in to pick out your shirt?” Thomas asked with a groan.
“What? No!” Damiano waved away the idea. “I wanted to see what my shirts would look like on you.”
Well, he hadn’t expected that.
“What?”
“You heard me! Here, try on this one!” A button-down was thrown at Thomas’ head.
Thomas had put his binder back on this morning, so he didn’t bother looking for somewhere else to change. His chest would be covered, and Damiano looked away anyway, shrugging on a shirt as Thomas started to undress. Thomas put on Damiano’s shirt and nearly laughed.
He was drowning in it.
But when Damiano turned around and saw him in the shirt, he grinned and strutted over and fixed the collar. Thomas felt his cheeks heat up as Damiano stood back, taking him in. “There we go, now we’ve got a real lady killer on our hands.”
Thomas? A lady killer?
In what world?
“C’mon, we have to show Victoria and Ethan!” Damiano chirped, grabbing Thomas’ hand and dragging him out.
“Guys, look at how handsome Thomas looks in my shirt!” Dam presented Thomas like he was awe-worthy.
Victoria smiled and Ethan nodded thoughtfully as he took Thomas in.
“Damiano, you did a good job, he does look handsome!” Victoria said, Ethan nodded in agreement.
Thomas felt so happy and warm like the sun had risen in his belly. But why? Why was he feeling so happy, like he could live in this moment forever? Damiano smoothed down Thomas’ hair with some comments Thomas couldn’t hear because of the blood pounding in his ears, but he heard the important part. Damiano called him handsome. Why was his body being so weird lately?
Thomas shook off the thoughts.
“Ok, so I’ll go out like this.” It came out more like a question and Victoria and Damiano called out, “yes”. Thomas laughed and followed his friends out.
Going out today was more fun than it was yesterday. There was none of the anxiety around where they could be going, and the jokes, no matter how bad, were constantly flowing. Thomas was smiling and laughing so much it made his cheeks hurt. He wasn’t even thinking about shopping when they reached the thrift store.
If Victoria and Damiano had forgotten about it too, they quickly became excited again and threw themselves into their self-imposed mission of helping Thomas find clothes, leaving Ethan and Thomas together laughing at them.
“They’re so dramatic,” Thomas said, shaking his head.
“They are,” Ethan agreed, but then said, “They care, though, and they want to show it in every way they can.”
Thomas smiled. “Yeah, I know. They don’t need to try so hard though, I know they care.”
“At least it means we get you out of your dad’s ugly clothes,” Ethan teased.
“Hey!” Thomas cried out defensively, “They aren’t that bad!”
Ethan wrinkled his nose in disagreement, and Thomas couldn’t help but laugh. It was always funny when Ethan, who was so stone-faced, made faces like that. Ethan smiled at his laughter and the two of them returned to browsing.
Thomas found a shirt or two, but when they were reunited with Victoria and Damiano, Thomas’ eyes widened at the pile of clothes the duo had managed to collect.
“Holy shit!”
“What?” Vic asked innocently.
“Victoria, that’s a lot of clothes,” Ethan chimed in.
Damiano shrugged. “We didn’t know what Thomas’ new style would be. We wanted to give him a little bit of everything to try.”
Oh.
The warm feeling was back.
Thomas dropped his eyes to the floor. That was so kind. “Thanks guys.”
Victoria waved it off and handed a pile of clothes over to him. “It’s nothing, tesoro. Go try these on!”
Thomas spent what must have been an hour trying on clothes, showing his friends everything that fit, to their insistence. He mock-modeled for them, and Damiano and Victoria hooted and hollered while Ethan just chuckled at their antics.
Eventually, he found five shirts, three pairs of pants, and a pair of shoes. He only had the money for half of it, but before he could put the rest back, Damiano pulled out his wallet and paid the rest.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Thomas said.
“I know, you can just pay me back later,” Damiano said, but Thomas remembered that last time this happened, Damiano wouldn’t take his money.
After shopping, the group went back to Victoria’s and watched bad American movies for the rest of the day. Thomas was having such a good time, he completely forgot about going home, until nightfall came and he got a text from his mom telling him to come home tonight.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” Victoria demanded as Thomas looked down at his phone.
“Nothing,” Thomas said with a shrug, pocketing his phone.
“Bullshit,” she said with a frown.
“Really, it’s nothing. My mom just wants me home tonight.” Thomas explained, wishing he didn’t have to.
Victoria’s frown deepened. “You don’t have to, you know. If you don’t feel safe or think it’s going to go badly. And if you do go, you can come back if anything goes wrong! You’re always welcome here!”
Thomas smiled dopily at his best friend. Victoria’s worry for him was sweet, but he had to face his parents sooner or later.
“Grazie, Vic.”
He stayed at the De Angelises’ for dinner before walking home, clutching his bag as he steeled his nerves. When Thomas opened his front door he expected to be bombarded by his parents’ screaming and maybe some crying, but there was none of that. The entrance hall was empty.
Thomas was quiet as he made his way further into the house, spotting his dad first.
He sat at the kitchen table on his laptop, his back to Thomas. The screen read “How To Be A Good Parent To Your Transgender Child”.
Tears stung Thomas’ eyes, but he shut his eyes tight and willed them away. He was done crying; he wouldn’t do it now. Once he was confident he wouldn’t cry, Thomas cleared his throat.
His dad whipped around and a smile lit up his face when he saw Thomas. The thing about his dad was when he smiled—a real genuine smile—he looked younger, handsomer. As a kid, Thomas used to love nothing more than his dad’s smile. Then he found music.
His dad got to his feet and walked over to Thomas, wrapping him up in a bone-crushing hug. “Welcome home, bambino,” he whispered in Thomas’ hair and Thomas had to force back traitorous tears again.
“Grazie, Papà,” Thomas whispered back, hugging his father with all his strength.
For a long while, the two men stood there holding each other, holding back tears and feeling the love one can only get from family. They slowly pulled apart and Thomas had to look away from his father’s face to avoid crying, the love in his eyes was so strong.
“The articles I read said I shouldn’t call you Sofia anymore,” his dad said awkwardly. “What should I call you?”
Thomas blinked. He’d expected to have to bring that up himself, but it was nice that his dad thought ahead.
“Thomas. My name is Thomas now.”
A soft smile grew on his father’s face and he laughed fondly. “Thomas,” he said as if testing the name out on his tongue. “Did I ever tell you we were going to name you that if you’d been born a boy?”
Thomas stiffened. “No. No one ever told me that.”
“I guess Thomas Raggi was just meant to be.” Papà said fondly.
Thomas swallowed thickly, violently pushing away thoughts of a life where he’d been lucky enough to be born in the right body. “I guess so.”
“I’m going to be honest. I don’t understand this,” Papà began. “It confuses me, and I don’t know much about transgender people and what it all means. But what I do know is you’re my child, and I love you more than anything in this world. I won’t let anything get in the way of that. Whatever you need from me, I’ll support you, Sof-Thomas.”
Thomas smiles softly. His dad had always been a loving man. He showed it with music, teaching it to Thomas young and being the most encouraging in the family of his passion for it. The two had always been thick as thieves. Thomas had been afraid he’d lose this, and the relief that he wouldn’t have to was enormous.
“It means that I’m not a girl,” Thomas found himself explaining. “I’ve never felt at home in my body. It’s always felt off. Wrong. I never felt connected to femininity or being a girl. I felt connected to being a boy. I didn’t have the words growing up to express it, but I do now. Mamma and my aunts always wanted me to be someone I’m not and it was so hard! But I tried. I tried to be Sofia for you all, but I just couldn’t.”
“And doing this makes you feel at home in your body?” His dad asked, gesturing awkwardly to Thomas’ bound chest.
Thomas flushed at realizing his dad had noticed and crossed his arms to cover his chest, but he did nod.
“I’m going to support you doing whatever you need to do to feel at home in your body as long as it’s safe .”
He couldn’t help it, he blurted out “is Mamma?”
Papà sighed. “She’s having a harder time with it, but she no longer thinks you’re lying.”
Thomas thought this would make him feel better, but he wouldn’t know until he talked to her. He eyed his parents' bedroom door, but it showed no signs of opening anytime soon.
“So what now?” Thomas asked.
“I get you into therapy. The articles say I should, especially if you want HRT in the future, but even if you don’t it’ll help you.” His dad said.
Thomas thinks a few months ago he would have rioted at being told he was being put in therapy, but now? Now it made him relax.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Thomas said.
His dad smiled and they just kind of stared at each other for a moment.
“I love you, Papá.” He said.
“I love you too, son.”