Chapter Text
The warm summer breeze blew over the large meadow, which had not been maintained for years, and a quiet whistle hissed between the two boys sitting calmly side by side watching the sun getting engulfed by the horizon. The blue sky slowly turned orange, spreading across the celestial sphere, the sunset the genesis of this spectaculous luminosity.
As always Kai had an astonished look on his face watching the sunset with his best friend Beomgyu, who also admired this breathtaking view.
Since they moved to an apartment building far outside the city, they sat themselves down on the large meadow, right in front of the residential area, almost every day to talk about all kinds of things while watching the sun going down. Today was just like the other days they had spent since moving here four years ago.
"Beomgyu?" The taller one broke the silence.
"Hm?"
"Don't walk on the carpet with your shoes on when we get home." Kai asked calmly without looking at the boy who was seemingly getting upset by his sudden command.
"But you always walk over the carpet when you have your shoes on!"
"Yes, but mine aren't that dirty than yours."
"Wha- That's not true!" Beomgyu exclaimed.
"It is though." Kai just replied and leaned forward to Beomgyu's feet to take off one of his shoes.
"Stop it. What are you doing?" Beomgyu pulled his legs closer to his body to make it difficult for Kai to properly grip his shoe but he didn't give in and gripped his shoe even stronger and pulled it from his foot with all his force. His strained face changed into a laughing one and he held the shoe with both of his hands successfully in the air.
"Give me my shoe back!" Beomgyu shouted annoyedly but Kai did not once think about doing what the older one demanded. Kai only had to laugh at the sight of Beomgyu left with only one shoe.
"Be quiet Ben and look at your crusty shoes. Where the hell are you going with those?" Kai said and shoved Beomgyu his dirty shoes in his face.
"Stop calling me Ben! And that's none of your business where I am going with MY shoes!"
"Not if you dirty my carpet in the process."
"Then put your stupid carpet elsewhere!" Beomgyu exclaimed and reached for his shoe that he successfully took from his friend.
Whilst Beomgyu was putting his shoe on again, still with an annoyed gaze on his face, Kai looked over to the apartment buildings behind them and watched the newly moved neighbor walking down the gravel path. He looked quite busy and didn't notice the two boys at first but when he walked further to the intersection of the gravel path, he caught a brief glimpse of them and immediately looked away right after. Kai watched the neighbor rubbing his cheeks in embarrassment thinking about how he was probably just shy to talk to them or even look them in the eyes.
"Do you think we should talk to him? He looks quite lonely." He suggested and watched the neighbor walking away from them to the destination he was heading for. Now Beomgyu followed Kai's gaze and recognized the man at his back.
"Oh I already talked to him."
"You did?" Kai asked confused and Beomgyu just hummed at that.
"Yeah, he is nice. His name is Soobin."
Kai felt a small sting going through his chest as he listened to Beomgyu talking about the new neighbor. Normally Beomgyu would tell him everything about his day and what he did but Kai didn't know about the meeting of Beomgyu and him only after he mentioned the neighbor. Beomgyu kept nothing from him because there was no reason to and Kai felt quite unwell about this sudden information.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. It wasn't really relevant." He just said and turned his head forward again.
It was relevant, relevant for Kai. His feelings for him couldn't prevent that someday Beomgyu will find someone he will love more than his best friend and then Kai needed to get over him. He couldn't imagine being without him, not living with him together or watching the sunset with him every day. He didn't want to lose him, to let him go. He got quite sensitive with this topic about losing his loved ones and since his other best friend died six years ago, he couldn't handle losing two even if it's just for another person.
Without him noticing, Kai put his fingers on the palm of Beomgyu's right hand and gently traced the striking scar on it that was left behind after the incident years ago. Kai always touched his scar when he was worried about something and needed something to assure him that he still had Beomgyu by his side and that he was still alive. He was always reminded that he could have lost both of his friends that day and it was relieving to know that he wasn't all alone now.
"You don't have to worry, Hueningie." Beomgyu assured him, knowing how Kai felt when he held his right hand.
"How can I not worry when I know that my carpet's gonna get ruined by you."
"Ya! Don't use my hand for something stupid like that!" Beomgyu exclaimed and freed his hand from Kai's. Kai had to let out a small chuckle at that, the anxious feeling slowly going away at Beomgyu's funny exclamation.
Though he shouldn't be scared about Beomgyu leaving him one day, he was still distraught by the knowledge that he will never love him the way Kai does for him. Even when he wasn't going to leave him, a small sting in his chest reminded him of the kind of love that he will never receive from him and he didn't know if that will ever be enough.
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Kai rummaged around in the mailbox annoyedly and tried to get out the tons of mail that had piled up far in the back. It was always a battle between him and the letters that are stuck in this tiny compartment and Kai wasn't happy that he was the one to always get the mail. If it wasn't for Kai's niceness, he would leave this task to Beomgyu who always begs him to do it because he doesn't want to go down the many stairs to the mailbox, outside the apartment.
Kai thought about throwing all the mail at Beomgyu when he gets back because in no way does he get so much post.
The sound of the entrance door opening made Kai look up from his business and he was greeted with a tall man standing right in front of him. He recognized Soobin quite immediately and put on a small, greeting smile which looked more forced than it should have been. The neighbor smiled back shyly and wasn't at all confused about the smaller one's arm being stuck all the way in his mailbox.
"I think we didn't get to talk yet. I'm Soobin, I moved into the apartment below you." Soobin introduced himself and held out his left hand for Kai to shake.
"I've already heard about you. Beomgyu had told me that you two already met. I'm Kai by the way." Kai said and tried to noticeably tell Soobin with his eyes that his left arm was obviously not available for shaking his hand right now.
"Oh, right." Soobin remarked and put his hand down again.
"Yes, we already met outside the other day. He was very polite and offered to show me the area." He was polite? Was he sure that he meant Beomgyu and not some other neighbor that he already talked to?
"I've declined for now because I'm a little busy at the moment but you can tell him again my thanks!" Soobin scratched the back of his neck and seemed a little sorry for declining the offer.
"Yeah I can do that." Kai replied, wondering if he should really tell Beomgyu or keep it to himself.
"Great, thanks! I mean he told me that you live together so I wouldn't burden you with that if you wouldn't see him that often." Soobin chuckled in delight.
"Yeah I get that." Kai didn't try to sound uninterested in any way but it was difficult for him to talk to a person that he didn't trust. He needed to be careful with his words so that he doesn't make any mistakes in causing a problem for himself.
Soobin's face softened after chuckling every second he talked to Kai and now gave all his attention to his arm being stuck all the way in the mailbox.
"Do you need any help?" He asked politely.
"No, it's just the mail that's always stuck at the back. You don't need to help me." Kai answered and returned to where he left off, trying to get out all this mail. It was clear that he still had difficulties with that and strained his face tensely. Soobin just watched him failing miserably.
"Are you sure you don't need any help? I have long arms, maybe I can try to help you with that." Soobin insisted and Kai agreed but just because he was fed up with Beomgyu's mail.
He pulled his arm out the mailbox and stepped aside so Soobin could try to accomplish this impossible task. He kneeled in front of Kai's and Beomgyu's mailbox and put his arm in it, trying to get a grip of the mail. He had a strained gaze on his face and pressed his whole head against the mailbox, his left hand supporting his posture.
After a while of gripping and pulling, Soobin freed his hand out the mailbox, successfully holding the pile of mail in his hand.
"Woah, that's a lot of magazines you got." Soobin was stunned and looked at the magazines in his hand before he returned it to Kai.
"That's all Beomgyu's stuff. He likes to look at those fashion outfits that are way too extravagant for my taste, so he subscribes to many fashion magazines."
"Oh, I do that too!" They have something in common.
"Oh, that's cool. Then you can talk with him about that stuff because I'm not that anticipated about clothes than Beomgyu is and he always calls me a fashion disaster." Why did you say that?
"That would be cool! I will make sure to reach out to him next time!" No!
"Yes, do that." Soobin just smiled at that and opened his own mailbox with his key. He easily pulled out his one letter he got and closed the mailbox again.
"Then see you next time you need help with your mail." He smiled and Kai only nodded as a goodbye.
He didn't like him.
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"Look! Soobin got me one of his magazines!" Beomgyu exclaimed excitedly.
"Don't you have enough of these?"
"No, it's from another brand."
Kai shouldn't have told Beomgyu about what Soobin said the other day in front of the mailboxes. Now they hang out way too often and Beomgyu always comes back home with the brightest smile Kai ever saw. It hurt him but acted like it was nothing.
Kai wanted to touch Beomgyu's right hand, trace his scar and feel his soft skin but that would only worry Beomgyu. He would ask him what was wrong with him and Kai couldn't say the truth. He couldn't speak his heart out. That he was worried about their friendship and jealous about the relationship he had with Soobin though Kai didn't know what kind of relationship there was between them. Maybe it was just casual friendship.
But Beomgyu doesn't smile so brightly that often when he is around Kai. It seemed like he smiled one more time with Soobin than with Kai and it was bugging him.
How was Soobin different from Kai? What made him so special that Beomgyu always looks so happy?
"Oh! I almost forgot that!" Beomgyu blurted out and put the magazines on the table and went to the fridge. He opened the refrigerator door and rummaged around, Kai only seeing the back of him while sitting on the small couch in the living room.
Seconds later Beomgyu turned around with a cake in his hands and a big smile on his face.
"Where did that come from now?" Kai asked confusedly and wondered why he didn't see that cake in the fridge before.
"I just took it out the fridge, are you blind?" Beomgyu asked ironically. Kai ignored his question and stood up from the couch and walked over to him. Beomgyu placed the white cake on the table, his big smile not reducing itself one bit.
"It's for you."
"For me?" Kai asked dumbfounded.
"Why did you bake me a cake? Did you do something again that I should know of?"
"No! You seemed down the last few days and I knew you wouldn't tell me what's wrong so I just baked you a cake." Beomgyu smiled fondly but didn't look Kai in the eyes but rather focused on fixing the decoration that was laid out on the cake.
So he knew that something was bothering Kai. He should have known, Beomgyu was very attentive when it came to Kai's well-being. He would notice even the smallest things that would keep him sleepless at night and he would either ask what was wrong or would do silly things such as baking a cake for him.
And yet he still didn't seem to notice the biggest issue that was haunting Kai even in his dreams, waking him up late at night.
"No worries, you don't have to tell me but just know that I'm here if you need me." And what if you aren't?
"I know." Kai just replied and stared at Beomgyu who was still focused on the cake.
"Okay! I'll give you a slice and then we watch a movie!" Beomgyu exclaimed excitedly and turned around to grab a knife from the knife holder that was placed on the kitchen counter. Kai knew that Beomgyu was worried but still tried to push it off because he didn't know what was actually wrong.
Beomgyu turned around again and put the sharp end of the knife on the cake, ready to cut off a slice.
"What do you want to watch?" He asked Kai, all busy with cutting the cake.
"Let's watch Alice in Wonderland."
"No, we always watch that movie!" Beomgyu whined, seemingly not satisfied with his best friend's answer.
"Because you always ask me what I want to watch."
"In no way you want to watch the same movie every single time!"
Kai just laughed at Beomgyus nagging, his body filling up with warmth and comfort. He thinks it's cute when Beomgyu gets upset about something in a puerile way. It makes this lonely place they are living in less lonely.
As Beomgyu finished cutting a small piece of cake for Kai and placed it on a plate, he started cutting a slice for himself. Kai noticed that it was way bigger than the piece Beomgyu gave him and that it was way bigger than any normal person would eat a cake. He needed to chuckle at that.
"Admit it, you just wanted a cake for yourself."
"You are right." Beomgyu replied bluntly and Kai caught a small grin forming on his lips, hiding behind his bangs that were dangling down his face.
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After finishing their cake, Kai and Beomgyu sat on the couch in the living room, Kai's back turned to Beomgyu, and watched the movie more or less attentively. Both their feet rested on the couch, Kai had his legs pulled to his body and embraced them with both his arms, giving him sufficient stability.
He enjoyed Beomgyu's hand movements as he softly played with Kai's hair and tied a little braid on top of his head. Beomgyu gently tied a hair tie around Kai's hair and looked fully concentrated on his work, his lips forming to a small pout without him realizing it.
A proud smile formed on his lips after Beomgyu finished tying Kai's hair and looked at his work in satisfaction. Meanwhile Kai felt the last remaining comforting chill that reached from his head down to his chest as Beomgyu touched his hair delicately. He liked that feeling.
But Kai could not fully enjoy the shivering sensation that made its way down his spine, as Beomgyu poked him on the waist with a grin on his face.
"Ah, stop it!" Kai exclaimed annoyedly and shrugged back but Beomgyu didn't listen to him at all and tickled him again now with both hands.
"Beomgyu!" Kai yelled and tried to push him off with his elbows, forcefully blowing him. Kai couldn't resist but laugh at Beomgyu tickling him, making it harder for him to push Beomgyu's hands off his body. Beomgyu's grin turned into a wide smile and his laugh was like a warm embrace that Kai felt around him, making him only laugh louder.
"Beomgyu please! Please-" Kai could feel his tummy painfully cramping up at his strong laugh but he could not stop and was trapped in this ticklish cycle that didn't seem to end. Beomgyu only laughed louder and enjoyed his best friends suffering to the fullest, tickling him left and right, his hands making their way to Kai's tummy, embracing him tightly and tickling him there even more.
Kai knew that Beomgyu wouldn't stop any time soon and that he needed another way for him to quit tickling him. Beomgyu wouldn't listen to his words.
When he timed the right moment, Kai pushed Beomgyu away from him with all the strength he got, then quickly turned around to face him and pushed him down on the couch.
Kai didn't really think about what he was doing but as he laid right on top of Beomgyu, both breathing heavily from the attack, he knew that it was a bad idea. Beomgyu was surprised by the sudden change of action and looked at Kai with wide open eyes, his hands in front of his chest, seeming as small as possible. Beomgyu tried to hide his heavy breathing and pressed his hands further to his chest.
Kai couldn't think of anything else but how near Beomgyu's face was to his. He couldn't stop but admire his round, soft eyes with their long and wispy eyelashes that were staring at him with an intense and shocked glare.
Why was he staring like that? Was he surprised because Kai knocked him down so quickly? Or was he also shocked because of the minimal distance between both their faces? Did he think about touching Kai's hair as much as Kai wanted to touch his soft and fluffy hair too? Did he also contemplate kissing him right then and there too, because the pressure of not doing it every day was getting bigger and bigger every time he saw him?
How longer can Kai wait? Just say it. Just do it.
"How long do you want to hover over me?"
"As long as I can. I have strong arms." Just say it.
"Yeah I felt that." Beomgyu replied with a small pain contorted face. Kai chuckled quietly and still looked at Beomgyu's face and examined it carefully.
He is so pretty. He is always so pretty.
"I have to tell you something." Beomgyu now said, his breathing back to normal.
"What is it?" Kai's chest tickled all of a sudden. Maybe Beomgyu wanted to say it first. Maybe he felt the same way. Kai didn't have to do it first when Beomgyu was on the verge of saying what Kai always wanted to hear from him. Just say it already.
"Sooo..." Beomgyu started and shyly looked away while fidgeting with his hands nervously.
"Soobin asked if I wouldn't mind doing a sleepover with him." Beomgyu said slowly and carefully looked at Kai again only to see his face frozen in a mildly smile that he always put on when he listened to Beomgyu talk. Beomgyu couldn't make out any emotion that Kai felt right now so he continued talking.
"And I suggested that I could come over today evening." Kai still didn't move a single muscle and Beomgyu thought he broke him by accident.
"But you don't have to worry! You can always come downstairs when something's wrong or when you have one of these nightmares again!" Beomgyu assured him quickly, thinking Kai would be scared to be alone for the night. After Kai still hasn't processed any word that has been said, Beomgyu furrowed his brows worriedly.
"So...you are going to be alone for tonight." Beomgyu whispered slowly. Then something clicked inside Kai's head and he freed himself from his frozen expression.
"Ok! Yeah that's cool. Have fun you two!" He blurted out overly cheerful, making Beomgyu flinch at the sudden reaction. Kai then proceeded to stand up from the couch, leaving Beomgyu still lying there, the coldness overcoming him now after Kai's warm body hovered over him.
"You can have the rest of the cake." Kai exclaimed before walking out the living room and into his room. Beomgyu, who was still lying on the couch all overwhelmed with Kai's sudden mood change, turned his head back forward and sighed loudly, overthinking what had just happened.
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It always felt the same way. The sharp pain ran through his body, cutting up his throat as he couldn't breathe from the sight he was seeing. The cold brushed against his skin, though it was in the middle of summer when it happened, giving him goosebumps all over his arms. He couldn't actually feel the cold but only sensed the goosebumps making its way up his chest that cramped up painfully.
It was a memory that he couldn't forget and even if he wanted to, his dreams always reminded him of the death of his best friend. Even after six years he couldn't stop forgetting every little detail of that day. The chiming of the carousel that glowed way too much that day, the laughs of both of his friends as they went up to the plastic horses to sit on them and the sight of Yeonjun looking confused as Beomgyu held out his right hand to grab him but failed miserably.
It all went too fast, Kai didn't realize what had happened even after Beomgyu sat next to him in the back of the ambulance and cried his eyes out, his bloody hand in his lap. He didn't know what had happened but still cried too. He sobbed loudly in the distance and tried not to look at the carousel.
There were a bunch of people standing there all nervous and shocked. There was already a blanket over his head and when Kai took a quick glance, he could see an arm peeking out of it covered in blood, his pink sleeve stained red. He couldn't stop staring.
This sight of Yeonjun burned into his head and every night he went to sleep, he would see this every time he blinked. It was disturbing, to see him alive in his dreams but always be reminded that he wasn't alive at all. It was painful to see this every night, this moment happening over and over again no matter how much he tried to change it.
His dreams wouldn't show exactly what had happened in reality. When Kai saw that Beomgyu wanted to take a glance at the carousel too, he quickly held a hand over his eyes and pulled Beomgyu closer to his chest, not wanting him to see his best friend like that.
But in Kai's dreams Beomgyu would look over to the carousel and stare at the scene for what felt like eternity. His sobs would get louder and louder, piercing through Kai's ears like shrill screams. Kai couldn't move or do anything but listen to Beomgyu crying his heart out at the sight of his best friend lying dead a few meters away from him. It shattered his heart and broke him into a million pieces.
It was rather one of the less painful dreams Kai usually had. Tonight he had the worst one out of all. Instead of Beomgyu reaching out his right hand, he went up to Yeonjun as if he wanted to hug him. Kai knew that Beomgyu only wanted to save Yeonjun from the carousel collapsing right above him but it always seemed as if Beomgyu wanted to be with Yeonjun one last time, knowing that both of them would die at that moment.
Kai saw the satisfied smile on Beomgyu's face and felt the loneliness building up inside his chest. It made him question if Beomgyu only waited for this moment to come.
Finally, he could be with his best friend forever, not thinking about Kai and what he would do now without his only two friends. He felt as if everything they went through wasn't important because he wasn't important enough. He was just there, and happened to be their friend.
Seeing two lifeless bodies under the crashed carousel was pure torture for him. He was left alone at this park, he felt forgotten, abandoned. What was Beomgyu's last thought? Did he think about what he was doing or was it just pure instinct to reach out to his best friend to save him? Did he think about Kai? Did he realize that he was standing there, watching all of that happen, and was sad to leave him like that? Did he even think about him in the first place or did he just forget him?
Kai felt miserable seeing his only best friend die in his dreams over and over again. It was his biggest fear, Beomgyu leaving him and being left alone with nothing but pain and suffering. The first time Kai lost his best friend it felt like a piece of his heart got ripped out and the fear of losing his other half was terrifying to even think about.
Covered in sweat, Kai woke up from his dream and only now realized how wet his pillow was. He had cried the entire time while experiencing this horrible nightmare, reminiscing every little detail that occured in his dream after he woke up. His heart was beating fast and Kai felt like he was going to die.
It was past midnight and he was surrounded by darkness, only with a long stare into nothingness Kai slowly seemed to recognize where he actually was. His room always seemed so bright and delightful seeing the plenty of plushies on his bed and the white furniture filling the rather small room.
But now, after waking up from a horrifying nightmare in the middle of the night, his room seemed lonely and empty. The surroundings he was laying in had a quite uncomfortable feeling on him and the full moon that shined through the window gave this atmosphere a sick impression to it.
His throat was hurting from the constant holding back of his sobs and Kai turned on his back, seeing the ceiling illuminating in the moonlight, trying to calm his breathing while hugging his pink bunny plushie tight in his left hand.
Whimpering at the ceiling made Kai realize what a bad idea it was to just let Beomgyu have a sleepover with their neighbor. He wanted nothing more than to touch Beomgyu's right hand and make sure that he was fine, that he was alive.
Beomgyu suggested that Kai can come over if there is something wrong or if he had these nightmares again, which he did, but standing right before the door of their young neighbor, Kai would just seem like a little kid running to their parents. Kai told himself that he didn't need Beomgyu with him to know that he was safe, he didn't need him to calm down from his nightmare.
And obviously it was a lie that Kai repeated in his head over and over again but thinking about Beomgyu having fun with Soobin downstairs made him forget about this horrifying thought of him not existing at all. Yet he still couldn't quite fall asleep again, as he was now fully awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Beomgyu's lips which he had seen up close today. They were rosy red and so plump and full. Kai was sure that they felt soft.
Staring at the ceiling for about fifteen minutes calmed Kai down a bit but he still got that anxious feeling crumbling up inside his chest as he thought about being alone in their apartment. Maybe he could just call Beomgyu real quick to hear his voice?
He quickly decided against that idea and stood up from his uncomfortable bed instead. Huening Kai gently placed his pink bunny plushie on his bed, tucking it under the blanket that felt uncomfortably hot, and made his way through his room door.
The hallway was way colder than Kai's room was and he deliberated if he should just go back under his warm blanket, but the idea of doing so made him feel every uncomfortable feeling there was. Instead, he made his way further to Beomgyu's room where he slipped through the already open door, closing it behind his back as he strained to see anything in the dark.
Beomgyu's room was the complete opposite of Kai's. It wasn't tidy, there were all kinds of things laying all over the floor such as clothes, CD's or various toys that he bought. His furniture was either dark brown or black, not as bright and cheerful as Kai's interior. Both their rooms seemed like polar opposites to one another just like Beomgyu and Kai were to another.
The moonlight that was coming through the window was very much useless and didn't really give much light in the room so Kai slowly groped over to Beomgyu's bed which he thankfully knew where it was.
It would have been a miracle if Kai didn't trip over the various things laying on the floor. Just as he was about to take another step closer to Beomgu's bed, Kai hit something with his foot, which felt like a pile of CD's, and tripped over them, making him fall hard on the ground. He let out a small groan and more or less screamed in a high pitched tone when his face met the ground, which was thankfully covered in Beomgyu's clothes so his impact wasn't that hurtful.
"I'm gonna murder you, Beomgyu." He grunted as he dragged himself up again, really fed up with this whole night and just wanting to lay down and fall asleep again.
As Kai finally got to Beomgyu's bed and literally fell on it like a defeated soldier, he could hardly wait falling asleep again, now in Beomgyu's warm and cozy bed instead of his hot and uncomfortable one.
Still staring at the ceiling without any feeling of falling back asleep, he turned to his side and snuggled his face deeper into Beomgyu's soft pillow. It smelled a kind of floral fruity, maybe like cherry blossom or peach.
Kai felt more at ease now that he laid in Beomgyu's bed but he still had to think about his nightmare that is creeping inside his mind and won't go away. Kai feared that if he closed his eyes he would see Beomgyu standing on the carousel again, reaching his hand out to Yeonjun and getting buried under the carousel just like his best friend did. His blood dripping down the stairs of the carousel, his whole body covered red, his eyes looking at him lifeless as he laid on the ground.
Kai couldn't forget it even when he forcefully thought about Beomgyu having the most fun with Soobin probably right now. He wouldn't mind it if it meant that he was still alive and just staying one floor below.
And still he was scared. He was scared of being alone, not just for this night but forever. Back then they didn't know they could lose their loved ones so quickly and now Kai feared that Beomgyu wouldn't stay with him long either.
The pillow he laid on got wet again and the tears tickled his right cheek, wiping them away slowly as another tear rolled down his face. He tried to take deep breaths but it only made his crying worse. He didn't want to admit it, because he convinced himself that he got along well on his own, but Kai missed Beomgyu.
His whole room smelled exactly like him and it didn't make it any better laying in his bed without Beomgyu being anywhere near to him. He was embarrassed of himself for not even getting through a night without Beomgyu and Kai knew that he wouldn't fall asleep again anytime soon.
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"Hueningie, I'm back!" Beomgyu shouted through the hallway as he closed the door behind him, confused as he didn't hear a reply on his return.
He noticed Kai sitting at the kitchen table as Beomgyu further walked to the end of the hallway, still asking himself why he didn't greet him back as he usually does.
"Kai I'm back." He said again and propped his hands on the table as he tried to look him in the face. Kai only hummed quietly in response and tilted his head a bit to face Beomgyu.
"You look tired. Is everything okay? Didn't you sleep well last night?" Beomgyu asked him worriedly. Beomgyu could only get a glimpse of how pale Kai looked because he covered half his face with his hand on which he rested his chin on.
"Did you have one of your nightmares again? I told you that you should come downstairs if there is something wrong."
"I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me, Hueningie. I know when something's wrong with you." Beomgyu reached out to Kai's hand that covered his face and pulled it aside so he could get a better look at him. Kai turned his face away from him at that but Beomgyu was quick to notice his puffy eyes.
"Was it one of the bad ones again? You cried, I can tell." Beomgyu's worry grew bigger and bigger at Kai's strange behavior towards him. He reached his other hand out to Kai's right cheek and caressed it softly, getting a better look at his eyes that were swollen.
"Hueningie, you don't usually act like this. Why are you embarrassed about it all of a sudden?"
"It's not a big deal, Beomgyu. I'm just tired, don't worry." Kai tried to convince Beomgyu as he avoided his gaze.
"It is a big deal, Kai. You know you have to tell your therapist when the nightmares get worse again."
"I know."
"And you can always come to me when you feel bad, yeah? Even if I'm with Soobin, it's okay."
"I didn't want to interrupt you two." Kai said truthfully, for the first time today. Beomgyu sighed loudly at that comment.
"You are stupid." Yes, maybe but at least I didn't make a fool out of myself last night.
Beomgyu stared at him for a while, still holding Kai's left hand in his own right hand, and missed his smile. He hated seeing his best friend like that.
"What happened in your dream?" Beomgyu asked him now, curious what Kai had seen last night that he acted so reserved today.
"Just the usual. Yeonjun and the carousel." Kai always only told Beomgyu about seeing Yeonjun dying in his dreams but never Beomgyu dying in them too. Beomgyu was fully convinced that all his tears were because of Yeonjun and though it was partially true, most of his nightmares consisted of Beomgyu dying or getting hurt.
"Is that all?" Beomgyu asked him, not fully convinced of Kai's answers as he knew how easily he would lie when something was bothering him. Kai only slightly turned Beomgyu's right hand so he could comfortably caress his scar that he wanted to feel so badly the whole night long. The anxious feeling that was still crawling inside his body, like multiple insects, was fading away very quickly and he could only let out a relieved sigh at that.
"Are you feeling better now?" Beomgyu asked and Kai nodded a little without looking away from their hands.
"How was your sleep over with Soobin?" Kai asked all of a sudden, trying to think of something else than his nightmare. Beomgyu smiled a little at his question, squeezing Kai's hand slightly in excitement.
"It was fun! We watched a few movies and looked through magazines. Soobin has quite a good fashion sense I must say."
"That's cool."
"Yeah and we thought about doing it again next weekend." Kai could hear his heart break. Not again. He didn't mind if Beomgyu was hanging out with Soobin but not within such a short time span. The stinging in his chest grew larger and sharper.
"Do that. It will probably be fun." Kai responded briefly and stood up from his seat. Beomgyu looked at him confused as Kai let go of his hand and went in the direction of his room again.
"Where are you going? I thought we could play some cards or eat the leftovers of the cake or something."
"I'm tired, I will go and try to sleep a little." He replied and went further to his room.
"Kai." Beomgyu called after him which made Kai stop in his tracks and turn around to him. Beomgyu walked over to him with a big smile on his face and intertwined his arm with Kai's as he reached him.
"Let's sleep together then!" He exclaimed excitedly, leaving Kai with a shocked gaze on his face.
"You don't need to-"
"But I want to, so stop complaining." Kai tried to push Beomgyu off of him but he clung on him with all his force, not giving in any bit.
"Let go of me."
"No."
"Let go of me, Beomgyu." Kai grunted strained.
"Nope." Beomgyu pressed himself tighter at him.
"Let go of me or I will tickle you to death." Kai exclaimed and Beomgyu let go of him in a blink of an eye. He had to chuckle at that and a big smile formed on his lips. Beomgyu cleared his throat perplexed and made his way to Kai's room on his own.
"Come on Hueningie, I'm tired too."
...............................................................
Both of them laid on the small bed, which suited perfectly to the other furniture in Kai's room, and looked at the ceiling in silence. It was quite awkward although Beomgyu often sleeps in Kai's room with him, snuggled in his plushies. Maybe it was the miscommunication between them that's been bugging them since Soobin moved here.
Beomgyu moved impatiently on his side of the bed and didn't seem to be able to fall asleep as well as Kai.
"Try closing your eyes maybe." Kai suggested ironically and grinned in his direction.
"That's not the problem, idiot. Your plushies are in the way, I feel squeezed." Beomgyu grunted and tried to push the plushies away from him but he only ended up getting buried in them. Kai had to laugh at this sight.
"Hueningie, help me."
"Why, you obviously have everything under control." He chuckled and still didn't help that poor boy from getting defeated by small little plushies.
"Can we move them on the ground?"
"Of course not." Kai replied and started moving the plushies back to where they belonged, picking up every plushie from Beomgyu's body and placing them back right next to him.
"You would rather have your plushies on your bed than me!" Beomgyu whined and complained.
"Yes, you are taking up too much space." Kai replied briefly, still busy with moving his plushies back to their place.
"As if your plushies wouldn't." Beomgyu murmured quietly and had an offended gaze on his face.
Kai didn't respond to his comment and just fell back to his side of the bed while still hugging one of the plushies that he didn't place back to the other ones. Beomgyu noticed the stuffed spider that Kai was holding gently in his embrace and started playing with the wiggly legs of it which were falling on his arm. Just as he wanted to start speaking, the plushies on his right fell on his body again as Beomgyu tried to make more space for himself again.
"Ok that's enough. Let's swap places or I will fist fight your plushies to death." Beomgyu exclaimed annoyedly and Kai let out a loud laugh, not standing with Beomgyu's silliness.
"You let little plushies defeat you so easily." Kai chuckled delightedly.
"Shut up and move."
Beomgyu pushed Kai further to the edge of the bed, trying to get away from these evil Monsters that attacked him non stop. However, Kai didn't get up but rather hovered over Beomgyu to climb over him to the other side of the bed. This wasn't the very best way to swap places as Kai accidentally squeezed Beomgyu with his hand while leaning on his body for support, making him groan in pain and punching Kai further to his plushies.
Kai let himself fall on the bed again and held his right arm in pain as Beomgyu's punch was harder than expected. Both were now a bit out of breath and yet again they were silently staring at the ceiling without saying anything.
Maybe it was just Kai's feeling but the silence got more awkward the more time passed by and he asked himself if Beomgyu felt the same thing.
He wanted to turn his head to Beomgyu so that he could see his face, admire it in secret, although Beomgyu would know that Kai was staring at him at that moment. Perhaps he already had his eyes shut and tried to sleep, making it easier for Kai to look at all his facial features that he admired so much.
"Hueningie, I'm worried." Beomgyu spoke up and Kai still stared at the ceiling in silence.
"You are acting weird lately and I thought about what could be wrong." Kai listened attentively and waited to see what Beomgyu could have come up with.
"Since we saw Soobin outside when we watched the sunset, you acted weird all of a sudden." He knows it.
Kai could feel his body tense up as he waited for Beomgyu to finally say it.
"And I thought maybe it's because you miss Yeonjun." Beomgyu turned his head to Kai and looked at him carefully. Silence.
"You know, I miss him too." He turned his head back to the ceiling.
"It's already been six years but that doesn't mean that it hurts less. I just accepted that he is gone and I'm trying to live with that knowledge." Beomgyu paused for a little and felt Kai's hand brushing against his right hand, just a small little touch.
"I only had you after that day and now with Soobin feeling like a close friend already, I think I'm starting to recover from this." Kai tried to be quiet as he cried in silence, the tears blurring his vision as he barely couldn't see the ceiling anymore. Beomgyu wasn't wrong. He missed him. He missed him so much and thinking about Yeonjun again made this already upsetting day worse. He just wanted to breathe again.
"I want you to be happy, Hueningie. I want you to get over it as much as I want you to find friends and have fun."
"But I only want you." Kai whimpered. He tightly held Beomgyu's right hand and didn't want to let go of it, ever.
"I don't want to be with anyone else but you."
"I'm not going anywhere, Hueningie. But it would be fun if you had friends that shared the same interests as you. Things that you can't talk about with me." Beomgyu reassured him and gently squeezed his hand a little while looking at his perfectly sculptured side profile.
Kai inhaled loudly and tried to calm himself down a little. Beomgyu was right, maybe he just needed a few more friends he could hang out with. It was just a small thing that was causing him disturbance but perhaps it could solve a lot of distress that was bugging his mind day and night.
"I'm not trying to force you or anything, Hueningie. You know that, right?" Kai nodded while still having his eyes locked at the ceiling. Beomgyu smiled a little at that and reached his free hand to Kai's cheek, wiping away his tears that were starting to dry on his face.
Kai liked it when he did that. He always wiped his tears away when he cried and always offered his right hand to him when Kai felt sad or anxious. Beomgyu knew the best ways to calm him down and to let him feel better after a nightmare or anything else. That is something that he always loved about Beomgyu. How he cared about him and comforted him when he needed him most.
"Can you stop crying now? I don't want to sleep on a wet pillow." Beomgyu's voice switched back to his teasing tone and Kai couldn't prevent himself from smiling weakly at his comment.
"I would rather see you laughing at me than crying that ugly." Beomgyu continued, knowing that it would make Kai smile even more.
"Stop it or you are going to sleep on the floor."
"No!" Beomgyu exclaimed quickly and pushed himself further to Kai, letting his head rest on his shoulder while holding Kai's left arm that was laying between them. Kai only chuckled more loudly at that and placed his right hand on Beomgyu's arm, where he let it rest there comfortably.
"Kai?" Beomgyu then asked seriously.
"Hm?"
"Let's go there next week. To the park." The park where he died.
"Let's do that, Beomgyu." Beomgyu smiled as a response even though Kai couldn't see it.
"Ok, now let's sleep." Beomgyu exclaimed, moved around a little to make himself comfortable and shut his eyes. But Kai didn't close his eyes yet but rather continued looking at the ceiling and enjoying Beomgyu's presence now that he was there right beside him.
Beomgyu suddenly moved his head up to look straight into Kai's face just to see him still not sleeping and his eyes being wide open.
"I said you should sleep!" He said and tried to close Kai's eyes with his hand, him only laughing at Beomgyus actions in amusement.
"Ok, ok, I'm gonna sleep, jerk!" Kai laughed at him and Beomgyu fell back into his sleeping position with an annoyed pout on his face.
"You better."