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Cold. She was so cold. She was noticing it now. She hadn’t before. Her body had started to tremble, everything below her hips numb. But she didn’t care. She knew she probably should. If she stayed much longer she would probably get hypothermia. She would fall asleep and drown in the water she stood in. Her friends would find her floating, lifeless in the lake they came to get water from.
She should care but she didn’t. Not anymore.
Her mind reeled. Nothing was making sense to her anymore. She needed rules, she needed structure. She needed to know how things were supposed to be. It was the only way she functioned. She was going to Rutgers, her room was going to be pink and green, Shauna was going to be her roommate. She had to have everything planned out, from when she lost her virginity to what she was eating tomorrow. Structure kept her sane.
But structure and rules weren’t getting her anywhere now. Everything was falling apart around her and she felt like she was suffocating in it all.
Now, fuck, now, they didn’t know what was going to happen to them in the next ten minutes let alone the next few days and it was driving her crazy. Nothing made sense, it didn’t make sense. She shouldn’t be here. She should be partying right now or fucking around with her dad’s car or literally anything other than this.
It didn’t make sense.
Shauna wasn’t even going to Rutgers, she had gotten into Brown instead. She hadn’t even wanted to apply with Jackie at all. She couldn’t understand it. It was a rule, it was set, they agreed. That’s what they were going to do. They were best friends, they were supposed to do this together. But maybe they weren’t best friends at all, because, fuck, Shauna, her Shauna, was sleeping with Jeff. Her best friend was sleeping with her boyfriend and they were doing it right under her nose.
She shouldn’t have read the journal, but she knew something was wrong. She knew Shauna was lying about Randy. She wouldn’t have kept it from her if it was just him, she would have told her how it was, if she liked it, if she liked him. But she didn’t.
And then she caught her in a lie. She said it had happened after Mari’s birthday party, but Jackie remembered picking him up. Randy didn’t have his license and even if he did he was too wasted to even stand. Everyone said he’d been outside the whole time guzzling drink after drink; he hadn’t left.
So when Shauna said it was then, she knew she was lying. Jackie just didn’t know why. And she couldn’t not know. So she found her journal tucked away on a beam in the attic and slipped away that night and read it. Word after word. Page after page. And she did it every night for a week.
She wasn’t sure why she kept reading it, flipping over each page carefully, slowly reading each word illuminated by the lantern’s light. Maybe to try and find something, anything, she could have missed to just help her understand why. Why Shauna would do this to her, betray her trust and her friendship. She couldn’t understand what she had done to deserve this.
Jackie let her fingers drift over the top of the water, feeling the cold rush up her arm. Her eyes, red and puffy, were scanning around her, though she barely registered anything. She knew she was looking beyond the lake and into the wooded area on the other side because she had seen it before, she had looked there before. But right now she didn’t even see it.
She wasn’t sure why she had come out here. She couldn’t be around Shauna right now but there were plenty of places to go to be away from her without it being here. She hadn’t realized just how long she had been out there standing in water until a voice shouted her name, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“Jackie!”
She closed her eyes, not moving, trying to will the person away. Leave me. She wanted to stay, whether or not to die of the cold or just to be left alone she wasn’t sure. She heard water splash beside her, little droplets falling onto the back of her neck and shoulders. The gentle hand of Laura Lew found its way onto her arm, gripping her tightly.
“Jeez, Jackie!” Laura Lee said, her eyebrows furrowing as she looked her up and down. “God, you’re freezing.” Jackie let herself be dragged out of the water and onto the sandy beach and now she was suddenly even colder than before. Laura Lee pushed back a few strands of her hair out of her eyes and smiled faintly at her.
Jackie looked around quickly. “Where’s the water bucket?” she asked through chattering teeth.
Laura Lee blinked. “Oh! I didn’t come for water I came looking for you,” she answered, grabbing a handful of Jackie’s shirt and twisting it, letting water pour onto the ground. “Shauna was starting to worry. She said she hadn’t seen you all day. Travis just shot a deer and she had to start preparing it, so she asked if someone could come find you.”
Can’t even come herself.
Jackie swallowed, her throat suddenly feeling heavy. She watched as Laura Lee tried her best to get the water out of her clothes. “Let’s go back to the cabin. I can get you more dry there.”
She held out her hand to Jackie who stared at it in bewilderment for a moment. She finally reached out gingerly and took Laura Lee’s hand and she smiled at her again. They walked into the woods and back up the trail to the cabin.
“Let’s get you into some dry clothes.”
Laura Lee pulled her into the far room of the cabin, closing the door behind them. She let go of her hand and Jackie watched her rummage through the one bag of clothes she had managed to find in the wreckage of the plane. Most everyone had at least found two of their pieces, whether clothes or toiletries or anything else, but Jackie had only been able to find one, leaving her with half the clothes she had come on the trip with.
Finally satisfied with the clothes she found, Laura Lee turned back to face her. When she saw Jackie had made no moves to take off her clothes, she looked like she almost would roll her eyes.
She grabbed the hem of her shirt and Jackie lifted her arms, letting Laura Lee pull off her shirt. She unbuckled her pants and pulled them down and Jackie suddenly felt shy. It wasn’t like Laura Lee hadn’t seen her naked before, they played soccer together, they changed in the same changing room nearly everyday. And this wasn’t sexual, it was just so intimate.
Laura Lee grabbed a towel from behind her and delicate hands rubbed the towel over Jackie’s hips, over her arms, over her legs. Jackie could feel the long hairs on her legs move with each stroke and it made her feel a little gross. A couple of people had brought razors for the trip, but neither of them could find them after the crash. Still, it didn’t actually matter. Shaving wasn’t a priority for anyone, even if it was uncomfortable not to.
Once she was dry, Laura Lee helped her into her clothes. She felt a little bit better, though she was still cold and trembling a little.
“Jackie.”
Jackie glanced over to her and hummed. “I’m going to ask you something and I need you to answer me honestly.” Her eyebrows furrowed. Where's this going? She tugged at the sleeves of her shirt as Laura Lee spoke.
“Do I…” She trailed off for a moment. Her fingers were fidgeting with the damp towel, like she was suddenly uncomfortable. “Do I have anything to worry about with you?” Jackie turned over the question in her mind, trying to understand what she meant.
Her confusion must have been written all over her face because Laura Lee started to talk again. “I just mean you haven’t been yourself the last few days. And it’s not like when we first crashed and you weren’t yourself. This is different. You just seem distant and vacant. It’s like you’re not really here. And then with the lake–”
Jackie was quiet. She wrapped her arms around her chest tightly, like somehow doing so could get her out of this.
“What’s going on with you and Shauna?”
She stepped back, her face turning a deep shade of red as anger roared up inside her. Did Laura Lee know? Did everyone know? Taissa knew and she was sure she would tell Van. They told each other everything and Jackie wasn’t so sure it would exclude something like this. Fuck , and if Van knew everyone else probably did too. Was she the only one who didn’t?
“Why would you say that?” Jackie seethed, nearly shaking with anger.
“You’re best friends,” she said simply, ignoring the venom in her voice. Laura Lee was good at that. Ignoring the inflection of someone’s voice, ignoring snide comments and sarcasm and pretending like everything was fine. Jackie wished she could do that as effortlessly, but as soon as someone sounded just a little bit mad, she was practically incapable of not saying anything about it.
“And you two haven’t acted normal since we got here,” she shrugged. “Everyone has noticed.”
“Everyone?” Jackie echoed in disbelief. She sat on the bed, suddenly feeling like she could pass out.
Laura Lee watched her carefully. “There’s just tension between you two, I don’t know. It’s not hard to miss.”
So they don’t know. She almost sighed in relief, though she still felt her stomach twist at the thought that everyone knew something was going on.
There was a few seconds of silence and Laura Lee picked up the wet clothes and slung them over her arm. “So do I have anything to worry about?” she repeated and Jackie looked up at her.
Yes.
“No.”
Laura Lee pressed her lips together, clearly not believing her.
“If there was, would that make me the ultimate sinner?” Jackie snickered, trying to lighten the mood.
Laura Lee looked personally offended at her words. “No, Jackie,” she said calmly, “it would make you someone who needs help.” Jackie’s smile dropped and she darted her eyes away. Tough crowd? Her mouth twisted in discomfort. In hindsight Laura Lee wasn’t the best person to make that kind of joke with.
Laura Lee pushed up on the front of her feet and pointed to a blanket on the bed. “There’s the blanket if you need it. I’ll leave you here to rest.” Jackie nodded as Laura Lee turned and left, leaving her sitting alone on the bed.
Jackie stared out the window, watching the tree branches sway in the wind. She pulled her legs up to her chest and buried her head in her knees. She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her heart that was thumping heavily in her chest. She couldn’t keep doing this. Not here, not now. It was all becoming just too much for her.
She had lost her best friend so long ago, but she was just now realizing it. How was she supposed to deal with that? Jackie was sure she could find a friend to replace her. Everyone liked her, Van, Lottie, Laura Lee, even Tai who was a bitch to her sometimes. But that wasn’t the point. She wanted Shauna. She only wanted Shauna.
The door to the room opened and she jumped. She turned her head to see Shauna speaking her head inside. Speak of the fucking devil. “Sorry.” She slipped into the room, closing the door behind her and Jackie turned away. She didn’t want to look at her. “Laura Lee said she found you in the lake, just standing there. She’s worried about you.”
Jackie didn’t answer. She felt the bed dip with Shauna’s weight as she sat next to her. “What’s going on with you? It’s too cold for you to be out there like that. Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
A beat. “Would you care if I was?”
Shauna’s mouth fell open. “What the fuck? Why would you say that?” She almost looked hurt and it made more anger roar in Jackie. You don’t care anymore. You don’t care and I want you to. I need you to.
Jackie stood off the bed, ignoring the protests from Shauna. She swung open the door and stomped into the living area of the cabin, past everyone who was getting ready for bed, past Coach Scott who was sitting wide awake eating a handful of meat, past Laura Lee and Lottie who were sitting and praying together. Any other time and Jackie would have laughed at the sight of Lottie on her knees with her hands clasped and mumbling a prayer to God.
But now she barely even noticed them as she stormed out of the cabin. She could hear the frantic footsteps of Shauna behind her and she sped up. “Jackie!” She gritted her teeth, trying to ignore her. “Jackie, stop!”
“Go away, Shauna.”
She tripped on something–a log, a rock, she really wasn’t sure–and fell to the ground and into a pile of leaves. She swore, the palms of her hands stinging. “Shit, hey.” Jackie felt a hand on her shoulder and she hit it away. “Jesus, what’s going on?”
“What’s going on?” Jackie yelled, standing up and whirling around to face Shauna who stumbled back a little. “What’s going on!” She laughed. She didn’t mean to, but she couldn’t even help it. The ridiculousness of it all boiling over. “I read your fucking journal, that’s what’s going on.”
Every bit of color drained from Shauna’s face. Her eyes fluttered and her mouth opened slowly, like she wanted to say something, but just couldn’t figure out how. She looked so stupid like that.
“You’re a pretty shit liar.”
Jackie rubbed her hands on her pants, blood smearing on the blue fabric. Her vision was starting to blur with the tears that had pooled in her eyes and she was shaking again. This time not from the cold, but from hurt and fury.
“It’s not–Jackie, it’s not–” She stumbled over her words, her eyes darting around like she was looking for someone to save her. “I didn’t mean…”
Jackie scoffed, nodding her head almost mockingly. “You didn’t mean it? You didn’t mean to have sex with my boyfriend three times?”
Shauna shut her eyes, ducking her head. “No,” she said. “No, I didn’t–I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You’re so full of shit, Shauna.”
“Jackie, please,” she whispered, reaching out her hand weakly. “I didn’t. I don’t love Jeff, I don’t. I-I know he loves you–”
“I don’t fucking care about him!” Jackie screamed, a tear falling down her cheek. She wiped it quickly with the back of her trembling hand. God, why didn’t she get it? Why couldn’t she just understand? “I care because it was you!”
Shauna stepped back, something unreadable flickering across her face. “What did I do?” Jackie whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Your journal didn’t get into that part. So what I do to make you hate me.”
Shauna flinched, her nose scrunching a little as she tried not to cry. “Jackie, I don’t–I don’t hate you.”
“The fuck you don’t.” Jackie stifled a sob. How could this be happening. It's not supposed to be like this. “Someone who didn’t hate me wouldn’t fuck my boyfriend. My best friend wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Jackie.” Shauna reached out towards her but she snatched her arm away. Jackie stepped closer. Their faces were only inches apart now and Shauna looked terrified. “Don’t fucking touch me,” Jackie hissed. “Don’t look at me, don’t talk to me. I can’t–I can’t do this with you.”
Shauna looked as if she’d been slapped across the face. Tear stains ran down her cheeks and her eye’s looked wild and scared and hurt. Jackie clenched her jaw, turning away. She couldn’t look at her anymore. She started to walk off, though she wasn’t sure where to. Maybe the plane, maybe the middle of the woods, maybe back to the lake. She just knew she couldn’t be here, she had to leave.
She had only made it a few feet into the woodline when she heard Shauna yell behind her, stopping her in her tracks.
“I thought he would make me feel better!”
Her skin prickled. What the fuck? Jackie turned to see Shauna had fallen to her knees. Her chest was heaving and her body nearly convulsing as she cried. “I felt… I felt you pulling away from me. You were spending so much time with him a-and I couldn’t… He was the closest thing to you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jackie. He wasn’t you, but he was all I could have.”
She could hear her heartbeat in her head. She almost felt lightheaded. “He was the closest thing to you,” she repeated, and Jackie thought her voice didn’t even sound like her own. “Somehow it was worse to tell you I wanted you. I wanted you and couldn’t have you, so I settled for him. Because I couldn’t… I couldn’t fucking understand.”
She looked up at Jackie, her eyes bloodshot and face blotched with red. Jackie just stared. She looked so small, so scared. So vulnerable. Jackie hadn’t ever seen her this way before and it caused her stomach to churn. Shauna wasn’t a vulnerable person, she wasn’t open, she didn’t talk about her feelings. She was the opposite of Jackie in that way. Jackie loved to talk about herself and her feelings, but that just wasn’t who Shauna was.
So now, with her down on her knees in front of her, sobbing and spilling her darkest secret to her, confessing that she loves her, made Jackie feel sick. But it also made her ache with want and need.
“Why him? Why him and not me. Why couldn’t you want me too.”
Jackie let out a breath. Her mind was reeling again as she tried to make sense of it all. Shauna was still crying and Jackie couldn’t take it anymore.
“Get up.”
Her voice sounded hollow, hoarse, like she’d been screaming for hours. Shauna let out a small noise, almost like a whimper. She slowly pushed herself off the ground and stood in front of her. “Jackie,” she started. Her lips were quivering and she sniffled, wiping under her nose with her sleeve. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t fix it. I can’t take it back.”
Shut up.
“I fucked up. I’m fucked up. I slept with–I slept with Jeff and now I’m fucking pregnant.”
Just shut up.
“Out here of all places.”
God, she wanted to scream. Shut up. Fuck you. But she stayed silent, watching Shauna choke on her words, feeling something rise from the pit of her stomach. She wanted to take her and hit her and kiss her and touch her and curse her.
Fuck, I hate you. I love you.
“And I’m…” She was looking down at the ground, her mouth twisting in her discomfort. “I-I love you and I know that changes everything about how you see me but please. I can’t lose you. Jackie, I can’t. I need you.”
Jackie’s chest tightened. I need you. I need you. It rang over and over in her head, the desperation in Shauna’s voice so clear it made her ears hurt. She could see the expectancy of a reaction in Shauna’s misty eyes. But she wasn’t sure how to react. She didn’t know what to do or what to say, her mind barely able to understand what was happening.
Shauna slept with Jeff. Shauna’s pregnant. But she doesn’t love him, she loves me. She loves me.
She stepped forward and Shauna tensed. Her shoulders pulled up and her hands curled into a tight ball, like she was expecting Jackie to strike her or yell or scream or even throw the lantern at her.
But she didn’t do any of that. Instead, she just studied her. The way her nose arched just a little in the middle and the way her lips seemed to always be a little bit puckered, the deep brown void of her eyes that she could stare into for hours and the way her eyebrows moved with her expression.
Jackie already knew all of this; she had seen it day after day since second grade. She practically knew every inch of Shauna by now, not just her face. But now it was different. Now it was almost like she was seeing her for the first time.
And she couldn’t take just looking at her anymore.
Jackie brought up her hands, grabbing Shauna’s face between them. She hesitated for just a moment, looking for any indication that she should stop. When she found none she leaned in to kiss her.
It was soft at first, gentle, with only Jackie doing any work and that was already enough to make every emotion she had buried deep about this, about them, come to the surface. All of the things she had pushed down and pretended weren’t there and barely even known were they until she had read that fucking journal, came rushing up. The fear, the lust, the longing–it was all there now.
It didn’t take long for Shauna to deepen it, finally kissing back. Jackie felt a hand on her shoulder blade steading her as she swayed and she dug her heels into the dry ground beneath her.
Someone pulled away, though Jackie really wasn’t sure who. They were both breathing heavily and Shauna was looking at her like a wild animal. Hungry and full of a primal need. Jackie licked her lips, tasting the salt of their mixed tears on her tongue. She smiled, almost laughed. “You never asked if I wanted you.”
Shauna’s eyes fluttered at the words, her face turning crimson, a stark difference from when she was so pale she looked sick only moments ago. Shauna kissed her again, this time pushing her back until she hit a tree. Jackie felt her smile against her lips.
In the back of her mind, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about what was to come. No rescue team in sight, no medicine, no doctors, and a pregnant teenager. It scared her to think about what could happen to Shauna or to the baby, but that wasn’t the priority right then. Right then, the priority was Shauna kissing her neck and dragging her hand up her shirt.
This is all so fucked.