Work Text:
It had been a long, long night for Akutagawa Ryunnosuke, who tragedy and misfortune seem to follow him whenever he went.
Akutagawa was exhausted, after all, he was left to deal with the papers of a particular long mission, which had caused the death of many of the subordinates under his direct command, which only left him to more paperwork issues, and an overall headache. If only Akutagawa had foresee the betrayal of the ones that caused this, or if he had gone alone, then none of this would happen. Once again, Akutagawa had proven himself to no one.
(" It's not your fault, Senpai! Not even our intelligence officers could see coming this result, so please, do not—" " Shut up, Higuchi." "Y-Yes, sorry senpai!")
Akutagawa was laying in bed in his work attire, he had just return home after finishing the mountains and mountains of paperwork, and he was tired, it was way past midnight, probably around 3 in the morning. "Dying would be easy..." Akutagawa muttered, turning in bed and staring at the white ceiling.
Akutagawa never really thought about dead. After all, death never really seemed so scary for him, after all, he's seen it many times. With his family, with his friends in the slums, with his subordinates...
Death simply seemed natural, and it was, at least in his environment of living. People who died were weak, and were killed by someone stronger than them, and there's that, right?
Akutagawa looked at his head, and slowly placed it on top of his eyes, and covering both of them quickly, he bit his lip, quietly. "I can't keep using that excuse longer, can I...?" He said quietly to himself, and laughed bitterly.
'People are killed by those stronger than them'
That was Akutagawa's absolute rule, his ideology, and his absolute and unchangeable way of living, he would tell that to himself when he had to dispose of enemies of the Mafia, or when his opponents cried when at the verge of death.
It was comforting knowing that no matter what he did, or who suffered because of it, his actions weren't really his fault, but his enemies fault for being so weak. It allowed him to stop him feeling guilty, and even become prideful and selfish, but Akutagawa only realizes that now.
He sighed, and turned again in bed.
Atsushi Nakajima was an existence that made Akutagawa sick, and at the same time, made him realize how much he was missing to be... complete, to be perfect.
Yet, even if Akutagawa thought like that, he also realized how far he was from being perfect. He was shallow, an idiot, and stupidly simple-minded. He wasn't anything like Akutagawa desired to be, but at the same time, he demonstrated in so many ways how he was better than himself.
Akutagawa turned in bed again, this time, curling up and holding his legs closer to himself. The smell of dried blood from the subordinate that had died in his arms still tickled within his coat. He paid no mind to it.
Life... Life used to be so simple for him back then, before he met Atsushi.
But now, not only he had to worry about not killing anyone, but he had to... think, and now realize what he had done.
Akutagawa turned once again in bed, and decided that he wouldn't be having any sleep that night, so he stood up.
The nights in Yokohama were starting to get cooler, with winter reaching its peak, it would be no surprise if it snowed soon. Not that Akutagawa cared much about the weather, anyway. Nobody would take a second glance at Akutagawa, his black clothes hid the blood from view, and even if they were to take one, his own expression would cause them to look away.
Akutagawa walked for a long time without even realizing, every turn would be made almost automatically, without seconds thoughts or even an intention behind his actions, other than distracting himself. He reached a certain common area, with a lot of shops, and even more restaurants around, most of which were completely closed, and only a few people around, most of them either leaving or passed out drunk on the sidewalk; Akutagawa ignored them all.
Akutagawa coughed into his hand, and sat down in a bench next to a closed café. He threw his head back, and sighed loudly, the sheer thought of having to work tomorrow made him growl, exhausted. Suddenly, Akutagawa heard hurried footsteps, and he raised his eyebrows. Someone so desperate to leave this calm place at midnight? He raised his head, and he froze in place.
Akutagawa's eyes connected with sunset. Shades of purple, orange and even yellow, but he knew already that it wasn't the actual sunset, but of course, his partner in missions, the weretiger, Atsushi Nakajima. Atsushi stared back at him, and swallowed saliva. He looked surprised, and as unusual as it may sound, Akutagawa would've said he looked somewhat nervous, even fidgety, if the way he played with his fingers was so kind of indicator.
The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds, and Akutagawa simply threw his head back again. He would not call for him, he wasn't in the mood to deal with his idiotic partner. However, it seemed like Atsushi took Akutagawa's actions like an invitation, because after considering it for only a few moments, Atsushi walked quietly towards him and sat down next to him. Akutagawa rolled his eyes, but he was too exhausted to say anything else.
"U-Uh, didn't expect to see you here..." Atsushi muttered quietly, staring down at his fingers, Akutagawa shrugged his shoulders, but didn't reply. "You look... tired... and you smell like blood." Atsushi said, turning his head to face him.
Akutagawa opened his eyes for a few seconds, and then laughed bitterly. Right, the tiger's senses... "I suppose you are assuming I murdered a ton of people during my last mission, then?" Akutagawa asked, not bothering on changing his tone to feel offended in the slightest, Atsushi shook his head almost immediately.
"No, no, that's not what I thought at all," Atsushi was quick to say. "I simply assumed you had a tough day, that's all. S-Sorry if I'm wrong, I didn't mean to assume anything just—"
"No, no, you're actually right." Akutagawa surprised himself saying with honesty, he wasn't in any mood for lying, or even denying his exhaustion. Atsushi interrupted himself immediately, staring at him with his eyes wide open.
"You... You want to talk about it...?" He asked, Akutagawa didn't answer anything, and for a few minutes, Atsushi thought he wouldn't say anything, but then he started in a low, quiet and almost inaudible voice:
"We had a deal, it was supposed to go smoothly," Akutagawa explained, he stopped himself for a brief second to exhale loudly. He placed a hand on top of his face, and continued: "I should've seen the betrayal coming, and I shouldn't have brought so many of my people with me..." he sighed loudly. "The enemy perished under the Black Lizard... But many of my subordinates were killed."
Akutagawa finished in a low voice, and he turned his head, avoiding Atsushi's gaze. "Are you okay?" Atsushi asked in a quiet voice while slowly touching his shoulder, Akutagawa was surprised to not found himself cutting his hand off.
"That's not the first thing someone would've asked." Akutagawa said, not bothering on removing his hand, keeping his eyes covered. "Why would I not be perfectly fine? I survived, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but—" Atsushi interrupted himself, and sighed. "Are you fine, thought?"
Akutagawa didn't answer, and Atsushi moved a little closer. Atsushi's shoulder was against Akutagawa's back, who didn't bother to turn around. He tensed lightly when Atsushi rested his head on his shoulder, but didn't say anything. "What are you thinking right now...?" Atsushi asked, quietly. Akutagawa opened his mouth and closed his mouth a couple of times, not knowing what to say. "Akutagawa...?"
Akutagawa bit his lip lightly, and rested his head on his own hands, sighing. "It would easy to die, wouldn't it?" He ended up saying, Atsushi's eyes widened.
"Excuse me?" He asked.
"Dying It's easy, is it not?" Akutagawa explained, as if obvious. "Our bodies are weak enough to be killed with only a swift movement of a weapon, or a hole of a gun, it's easy to kill someone, it's easy to kill."
Atsushi didn't answer, simply listening quietly, and Akutagawa continued:
"Death it's quite insignificant, it wouldn't matter if I died or not, life would go on, wouldn't it?" Akutagawa said, gripping his arms tightly. "The universe would not care if I were to die."
Atsushi shook his head. "No, you're wrong." He stated, Akutagawa raised an eyebrow.
"Am I?" Akutagawa repeated. "It doesn't seem like it. The world would keep working perfectly without me, wouldn't it? It would still be complete."
"No, no, it wouldn't," Atsushi insisted. "You're part of the world too. The world can't be complete when a piece is missing. Therefore it would be incomplete."
Akutagawa stopped himself from saying anything for a few seconds, and then chuckled softly. "Your idiotic way of thinking never fails to amaze me..." he muttered, Atsushi huffed.
"It's not idiotic if I'm correct," he said, and yawned. "I'm tired..."
"What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Couldn't sleep." He replied honestly, Akutagawa hummed.
"Then it seems like we're not so different." He said, turning his head. Atsushi pulled back and stared at him for a few seconds, and nodded slowly.
"Yeah..." he said, smiling. Akutagawa stared at his smile for a few seconds, and closed his eyes.
"I should go. It's late."
"Me too..." Atsushi replied, but none of them moved for the next seconds, nor the next minutes. Atsushi stared at Akutagawa's side profile, and Akutagawa simply focused his hearing on Atsushi's breathing. It was calming, and somewhat refreshing. "Sometimes I forget that I used to hate you..." Atsushi muttered, Akutagawa's breath stopped for a second, and he opened his eyes, staring into Atsushi's eyes.
"You don't hate me anymore?" He asked, surprised. Atsushi raised an eyebrow and stared at Akutagawa as if he was going mad.
"No...?" He said. "Why would I?"
"Because I'm a Mafia member, and I've killed countless people." He said, Atsushi stared at him for a few seconds, and pursed his lips.
"But not anymore."
"So you're just disregarding all of my past actions?" Akutagawa asked with an eyebrow raised, Atsushi shook his head.
"I'm not, but I'm not looking at your past actions, I'm looking at you..." Atsushi muttered. Akutagawa opened his mouth wide, and stared at him, without knowing what to say.
Atsushi slowly raised his hand, and touched Akutagawa's cheek slowly, caressing it. "Your face is cold."
"Your fingers are too..." Akutagawa replied, and Atsushi chuckled.
"Yeah..." Atsushi murmured in a low voice, but he didn't seem to be paying much attention to his words, his eyes focused on Akutagawa's, who swallowed saliva.
He knew he wasn't in danger, and that he wouldn't be fighting tonight, but his heart sped up just like when he was attacking, and he felt a knot on his throat, preventing him from moving.
Still... it didn't feel bad, somehow.
Akutagawa didn't think he had ever been touched that way, so... carefully, like he was being treated as almost fragile, something with worth. He closed his eyes at the thought.
The mood between them had settled quietly. Instead of a harsh, and heavy tension between them, it felt surprisingly comfortable, and they soon forgot about being part of the ADA or the Port Mafia. At the time, they were only themselves, Akutagawa Ryunosuke and Atsushi Nakajima.
"Your eyelashes are long," Atsushi muttered, more to himself than to Akutagawa. "Your skin is also soft, do you anything special to take care of it?"
Akutagawa shook his head softly, and Atsushi hummed lightly.
"You're just naturally beautiful, then..." he murmured. Akutagawa couldn't help but to gasp softly.
He had never been described like that. He had been called evil, scary, and had even been accused of being a devil, but beautiful was not the kind of thing people would usually say to him.
His words were... surprisingly well received. Akutagawa, instead of feeling the unbearable burning desire to cut him into little pieces—like the desire he would have if it was anyone else calling him that, probably—felt warm, and for some reason, found comfort in the thought of being cherished.
It was stupid. He was trained to despise the feeling, to leave behind any sense of humanity to be able to do disgusting and violent acts without any regret. But he couldn't help but to be drawn towards the sensation of safety he felt right now, the sensation of peacefulness.
"You're so easy to read, like an open book..." Atsushi muttered. Akutagawa frowned lightly. What did he meant by that? Did he realize how easy it was to make him relax, and drop his guard? Was Atsushi waiting for the perfect chance to attack him and—? "Relax..." Atsushi muttered, softly caressing Akutagawa's cheekbones. "I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." He stated, and for some reason, Akutagawa decided to believe in him.
"I don't know how you do it..." Akutagawa muttered without bothering in opening his eyes. Atsushi raised an eyebrow.
"How do I do what?"
"How do you manage to be... relaxed. Specially when you're by my side..." Akutagawa spoke quietly, pursuing his lips. Atsushi stared at him for a few seconds, thinking carefully about his words before answering.
"I... I think I'm able to feel comfortable because you're by my side..." Atsushi responded, and slowly got closer, putting their foreheads together. "You're relaxed as well, aren't you?"
"I... maybe?"
"Are you still thinking about your mission?"
"A little..." Akutagawa replied honestly, opening his eyes slowly. He surprised himself with how close Atsushi was, but didn't pull back.
"It's not your fault," Atsushi spoke, his voice getting softer by the second. "Sometimes missions fail."
"It feels like it's my fault."
"It's not." Atsushi insisted. Akutagawa blinked slowly, and tried to focus on other things.
Like Atsushi's gorgeous eyes, which carried the prettiest sunset Akutagawa had ever seen, or in his slow breathing, who seemed to be getting more irregular, and seemingly self-aware. Or in his lips.
Akutagawa looked at Atsushi's lips and unconsciously licked his own. Atsushi didn't fail to notice this, and after debating with himself, he leaned into Akutagawa and gave him a fast, small kiss on the lips.
Atsushi pulled back almost immediately, and Akutagawa blinked a couple of times, surprised. Atsushi stared for a few seconds, trying to figure Akutagawa's response, and when the man didn't say anything, he opened his mouth, ready to apologize.
"I—" he was interrupted by Akutagawa, who pulled him by his shirt and crashed their lips together in a fast motion. Atsushi was taken back for a few second, but he was quick to return the motion, and placed both of his hands behind Akutagawa's neck.
Their lips seemed to be syncronized perfectly, and fit together in just the right way. Akutagawa didn't know what he was doing, he couldn't recall ever kissing someone, but for some reason, he didn't care.
It only took a few moments for their lips to part, but they didn't move away, nor did even seem like wanting to move. Atsushi swallowed saliva and laughed nervously. "I... I, uh, I've wanted to do that for a while..." he confessed looking down, Akutagawa couldn't help but to chuckle lightly.
"I can't say I haven't thought about it either..." Akutagawa muttered under his breath. Atsushi stared at him with eyes wide open, and laughed softly. It was a lovely sound.
(Akutagawa doesn't think he has ever described something as 'lovely', but for some reason, he doesn't really care. After all, lovely does seem like the perfect word to describe Atsushi himself.)
Akutagawa blinked a couple of times, and leaned forward, laying his head on Atsushi's shoulder. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Earlier," he started in a low voice. "You asked if I was alright."
"I did..."
"I'm not," Akutagawa replied honestly, inhaling loudly. "Many of my subordinates lives were unnecessary lost, and if I had simply taken necessary preventions then nothing would've happen." He spoke fast, while gripping Atsushi's shirt. Akutagawa took a deep breath, and slowly opened his eyes, staring at his hands. "Stupid, is it not?"
Atsushi shook his head, and slowly wrapped his hands around Akutagawa's head, hugging him closer. "It's not..." he said.
Akutagawa opened his eyes wide and tried to focus on the warmth that emanated from Atsushi's body. He didn't say anything else, and Atsushi didn't move. He wondered for how long did the two of them stay like that. Not moving, not saying anything, and the scene seemed to be frozen in time, almost like they weren't even breathing.
However, they were breathing, Akutagawa noticed. They were alive, and the thought of the two of them being alive, made him realize that maybe Atsushi's somewhat idiotic thoughts were correct. The world was complete with them, and because it was, without them it wouldn't. They were part of it, and an important part at one. Akutagawa closed his eyes at the thought, and leaned more against him, making Atsushi rest his back against the bench with Akutagawa almost entirely on top of him, his face hid in his chest.
"Are you still breathing?" Atsushi asked in a silent voice, Akutagawa nodded slowly. Atsushi caressed his hair slowly. "I'm happy you breath... I'm glad that you're alive, Akutagawa..."
Akutagawa closed his eyes, and relaxed his body. And focusing on his breathing one last time, he nodded slowly.