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i. 第一印象
Minaguchi Kaho’s first impression of Amaori Renako is a weird girl. Amaori-san is a weird girl who sat in front of her in 5 grade in cram school.
Amaori-san was weird. She was way too expressive—from sadness, anticipation, happiness—even though she was merely reading comic books.
Amaori-san was weird. She was too immersed in her little world, ignoring other girls’ stares because she read thick boy comics in cram school.
Amaori-san was weird.
Her eyelashes were so long. It curved nicely and beautifully. Her lilac eyes shone once in a while as she scanned the picture and conversation balon in there. Her pink hair looked like soft and sweet cotton candy. Just a little bit, it made Kaho want to touch them. Sometimes, her cheeks are dyed in the same color, because she was too excited or ashamed to certain pages.
Amaori-san is weird.
Even though Kaho can only view her from one side, she knows Amaori-san was a truly passionate person. Even though Kaho can only peek at her, she has memorized the sound of soft yet firm papers when Amaori-san turns them or fold them when she was in vigor.
“Hey, want to read?”, her innocent purple eyes actually are bigger than what Kaho spied from time to time. Her eyes have a lighter color. Amaori-san is much cuter than what Kaho imagined. Amaori-san’s reflection from Kaho’s glasses was very adorable.
“Um, t-that...”, Kaho stuttered, her brain didn’t function at the moment because overheat due to overloading information.
Amaori-san is before her.
Amaori-san sees her.
Amaori-san is seeing her now.
Heat comes to her cheeks. The subject she observed secretly for days, now is focusing on her. Those lilac eyes reflected Kaho’s face, Minaguchi Kaho has a red face, she was anxious, she was panicking, she wants to hide after has discovered she peeks at Amaori-san secretly.
Then Amaori-san simply grinned while showing her full teeth, “Want to read together?”, she offered.
Minaguchi Kaho is weird.
Her heart was beating so fast. It feels like someone grabs and grips it tightly. It was painful, but, Kaho can’t stop it. Since that day, the days cram school she attended lazily, became the days she waited for the most.
ii. 春
Time flies so fast. She no longer waiting for the cotton candy that smiled at her and invited her to read comics in the evening. Her first love story is ended already.
Amaori Renako disappeared. It felt so suffocating, back then. Kaho remembers she was waiting for Amaori-san for years, yearned for their encounter as fate beckoned. Perhaps, due to the influence of TV drama, anime, or manga—she dreamt about their reconciliation encounter, fated encounter. Amaori-san middle school version, high school version, and worker version. They would have a fated encounter in the end. A heartwarming one, maybe with sakura petals dancing around them.
However, the reality is not as fleeting as a dream. Farewell can’t be avoided in human relationships. Kaho is no longer an air-headed kid who actively imagines things. She is a high schooler already. Kaho slaps her cheeks while standing in front of the mirror, yep, the normie cosplay is perfectly applied.
Kaho bid a good night to Amaori-san who buried in her elementary days’ memories. Kaho is an adult already, 5 years is enough for her to move on. Kaho also bid good night to the Minaguchi Kaho and changed into Koyanagi.
Amaori Renako is someone she won’t meet again in near future, but Amaori Renako will always exist to cheer Kaho. Amaori-san exists within her imagination, reminding her goal about how to live. Amaori-san even though simply is a fairy tale now, her existence still important and won’t be forgotten for Kaho’s whole life.
Well, farewell first love. Goodbye to you too, Minaguchi Kaho-san. Spring greet warmly. Her new name maybe also means a new version of herself. Forget about the gloomy and weak Minaguchi! Now, the cheerful Koyanagi Kaho is coming!
“I fell in love with you at first sight!
There is no longer soft pink cotton candy in her vision. The pink cotton candy she loved as a child is replaced by yellow as bright as the sun. The round lilac eyes brimmed with light are replaced by pair of calm and elegant blue eyes.
Adios, first love. Kaho repeated. Her heart now beating fast seeing the glamorous figure in front of her. Maybe, this is her new love story.
Kaho locked Amaori-san in her memories. She buried the adorable yet easily excitable girl she met in 5 grade deeply. Amaori-san won’t be back. It won’t be a love story like in the manga she read—about first love in childhood time having a fateful encounter in high school. Amaori-san still exists, however, Kaho locked her in memories. As if a mirage when she feels depressed—yeah, simply that.
Kaho knew she would be rejected by the Oodzuka Mai. It feels like floating and a bit painful. However, her sense and her brain are still working rather well, unlike the time when she no longer saw Amaori-san in the cram school and felt pain for a long time.
Goodbye, first lo—
“Hello, my name is Amaori Renako”
There are not many people who have pink hair. Pink should have vanished from her life 5 years ago. But, the pink color intrudes on her vision. The pink color that Kaho thought that will no longer be in her canvas. Appeared once again. As if like an ocean wave, making herself shaking albeit just a little bit. Kaho feels something crumbled—Kaho hated that.
With a familiar voice,
Amaori-san is here.
The painful feelings because of Mai’s rejection are quickly forgotten in seconds.
Amaori-san.
Her pink mane now is only down to her shoulder. But, it looks cuter and softer than before. Amaori-san looks neat now. She combs her hair and even perms them. But, her tip is still a tad bit curly.
Did Amaori-san get a broken heart too?
Her purple eyes are still the same as ever. Mesmerizing. Even though, it no longer shinning—maybe because she is not reading manga or something she loved. Amaori looks nervous.
Amaori-san has grown. Her height is as tall as the average female teen around them, unlike Kaho. Now, Kaho must be the one who lookup. Amaori-san has grown. She is no longer skinny as before. Her womanly part has grown significantly. Unlike Kaho.
Amaori-san, do you remember me?
Kaho long to run to her, closing their distance in instant. Then, blabbering everything to her this second. Yet, Kaho decided to stop.
Amaori-san won’t remember her. The gloomy, ugly, geek, and thick glasses wearer Minaguchi. Someone as bright as Amaori-san won’t remember. Surely, Amaori-san has so many friends. Kaho sure, someone who barely spends 6 hours per week won’t last in her brain. Moreover, they were only talking about otaku stuff.
No.
There is a chance Amaori-san might be remembered. Because otaku stuff is embarrassing, right? So it would be easier to remember. Kaho clenched her fists, trying to calm her breath and her mind. She chooses to stand and walk towards her, giving a quasi introduction—where she can back off and keep pursuing her easily.
“Heyaa, Rena-chin!”
“He-Hello. Koyanagi-san... right?”
See? Amaori-san doesn’t remember. Kaho gulped. This is not a love confession rejection. But, why does it feel more painful than Oodzuka Mai’s rejection before? Kaho feels floating. Suffocating and floating at the same time.
Amaori-san looks beautiful. She wears the same Asahinagaya uniform but looks different. Her smile is not as wide as before. But, still looks friendly. She is wearing hairpins on her bangs. Kaho can see the same purple eyes more clearly now. Her eyelash is long and curved beautifully. Amaori-san is truly beautiful.
“Nice to meet ya! Let’s drop all the formalities, alright, Rena-chin!”
Don’t be sad.
Kaho cheers herself up. She ignores the embarrassment due to calling Amaori-san’s given name. Still, she can’t call her without suffix, but well, this is an improvement. Kaho is brimming widely, Amao—no, Rena-chin looks astonished for a moment.
“A-Alright, Kaho-san”
“Don’t be too stiff with me, ya hear?”
“Al-Alright, Ka... Kaho...-chan”, she repeated, stuttering along with her reddened face.
Cute. Adorable. Charming. Kaho’s given name is used by the girl she admired for a long time. Moreover, when Rena-chin has the same but darker color as her hair on her face, makes her cuter.
Even though her first love story is ended, Kaho smiled. Amaori-san called her by her given name. This is an improvement. Well, even though in the end they won’t end up together, but well, whatever. Farewell. Hopefully, this spring means Koyanagi Kaho’s love story.
iii. 変 わる
Amaori-san, no, Rena-chin is no longer grinning as wide as she did in the past. She is no longer brought shounen magazine every month. Rena-chin is no longer joining with other people who discussed manga. Ah, Rena-chin truly has become a normie. Rena-chin is a bit quiet, but still comfortable to be around.
“Hum...”
Lately, Rena-chin has changed along with Oozuka Mai. Kaho noted mentally. A feeling she can’t describe well. Just like when Mai focuses on her phone then goes somewhere, a few minutes later, Rena-chin will do the same. Also, the spark between those two shares from time to time. Just like Mai-Mai can be more possessive and attentive towards Rena-chin. Like when Rena-chin looks a little bit uncomfortable, then Mai will pass the verdict, and Rena-chin’s posture looks more relaxed later. Mai-Mai even takes a glance and photo of Rena-chin stealthy but not go under Kaho’s radar. It reminds her of something familiar, however, Kaho chooses not to say anything. But, something just break that day. An uncomfortable feeling ticked her greatly.
“Recently, did something happen between Mai and Rena-chan? You guys are kinda getting along?”
“Eh!?”
Rena-chin who is already adorable become more adorable. As if she doing something immoral. Even the Oozuka Mai looks more prideful than she usually is.
“A—!”Rena-chin squealed. It has been a long time since Kaho hear such a high-pitched voice from her mouth. The last time is when Rena-chin was so surprised because of a certain scene in the manga.
Mai-Mai then proceeded to put her arms around Rena-chin’s waist. A perfectly normal gesture to skinship between girls. But, Mai-Mai has never done that with someone else.
Kaho feels there is something inside her cracked. But, she is feeling numb at the same time. Even so, Kaho can’t stop smiling.
Just like when Rena-chin chased after Mai. It has been a long time since Rena-chin become the pushy Amaori-san who held Kaho’s hand. Rena-chin grabbed her shoulder and stare at Kaho straightly.
Kaho merely let out a grin.
Ah.
“I see! So, Rena-chin is my rival!”
There is something cracked. But, empty at the same time. Even Kaho doesn't want to cry and she won’t. Is she sad? She doesn’t know. Just like when she knew she can’t cosplay ikemen characters from anime series. But, well, whatever.
It is like when Rena-chin introduced herself at the beginning of school. Okay, understood, Kaho will back off.
Kaho could not say anything and merely grinned mischievously. Kaho could not do anything besides hiding everything in humor and jokes.
Again, the time flew. This time is a cold war between Saachan and Mai-Mai. The atmosphere between the five of them changed significantly. To be honest, Kaho didn’t want to lose this group.
Occasionally, there are people outside their group who will ask about them. They drag Aachan and herself. Mai-Mai and Saachan were never questioned because they were too much coward to ask them.
The same thing can be applied to Rena-chin. Perhaps because Mai always gives off an intimidating aura with her celebrities smile. The aura won’t be given to anyone in the group. But, if you watched it from far away Mai’s consciousness of you, you can feel it. Mai-Mai is very protective regarding Rena-chin.
Kaho decided to not say anything about this.
Kaho didn’t know. Even though Rena-chin is not Amaori-san who likes to grin widely, Rena-chin always managed to move in the blind spot. She still can’t be predicted as ever. When Rena-chin told Kaho she will try to end this war by supporting them mentally. Kaho simply replied with ‘okay’.
When Kaho witnessed Saachan hug Rena-chin’s arm she could not react. Surprised, yes. It feels like the time frozen for a few seconds. Kaho grinned, it seems so fun and ignored other feelings in her stomach.
“Amaori already has plan with me, right Amaori?”
The cold-hearted Sacchan who likes to smack her head with her chop or with a book. The ice queen who never does skinship. The evil being who will—ok, it is too much. But Koto Satsuki initiated a skinship, eh?
Amaori Renako always managed to act outside of the box. Kaho gave a thumb up and winked.
Cool. The heroine she met still exists. She still exists even though she has changed so much.
iv. 幸 せ
When she read the LINE message from Renachin a few days ago, she could not believe her. When she sees five of them sitting in the cafè, she still can’t believe it. However, deep down, she knew Rena-chin will manage. She is strong. She is cool. Even though, Rena-chin sitting rather nervously and quietly, she managed to save the group from falling apart.
Amaori Renako is truly a heroine.
How amazing.
“Th-that’s right. Satsuki-san’s bathroom is quite amazing, you know”
Oh my God.
Honestly, Kaho can’t understand what’s wrong with Rena-chin’s answer. However, Super Darling’s aura transformed into an intimidating one, Kaho peeked, Mai-Mai is still smiling like a model.
“Certainly, the Koto household has a great taste in arranging their bathroom thanks to Satsuki’s meticulousness. Which reminds me, why would you know about that, Renako?”
The happy atmosphere quickly turns tense.
Rena-chin quickly turned pale as if she seeing a ghost or something. Even Saa-chan’s stoic face now is a bit panicked and upset. Meanwhile, Aa-chan looked so surprised, shocked even.
Hehe, it smelled like a TV soap drama. Where a person caught two-timing. But, actually, Kaho also didn’t understand why the atmosphere changed to a sour and tense one. But, it seems fun. Their group never had this atmosphere before.
“Eh, what does it mean, what does it mean?! Explain yourself, Saa-chan!”
Kaho was not that mean to torture Rena-chin by cornering her. So, she decided to corner the ice queen. Well, she is also interested in Saa-chan’s reaction regarding this.
There was not something cracked or painful. Kaho didn’t feel anything. Empty. But, she concentrates on the positive thing, their group is back again.
This is enough.
v. 出会
Their encounter was unexpected. Kaho didn’t understand. She wanted to lower her expectations when Renako called her this morning. Kaho simply teased her while smiling.
Mix lies and truth, warp it in a joking and casual manner. If you do it well, you can sprinkle it with wishes and hope. Easy, right?
A simple and easy-to-make recipe.
Amaori-san remembers her. Kaho holds herself to not grinning too wide and squeal in delight. Conduct her brain to make everything make sense when Kaho vocalizes them.
Rena-chin is still cute as ever. The purple eyes she missed so much, look at her straightly. Mirrored by those mesmerizing eyes, Kaho is smiling moderately albeit with mischievousness. Happy enough, and not too much to make Rena-chin freaked out.
Then, Rena told Kaho about she was confessed by Asahigaya Super Darling and Asahigaya Angel.
Kaho held herself well. She didn’t want to cry. But, she did scream because she was too shocked. In frustration and anger, she did.
If this will happen, Rena-chin should have never remembered Kaho in the first place.
vi. 恋
Love.
That word is absurd. The concept is bizarre but most people understand it. Love is rather ambiguous since Kaho likes to spout them carelessly in a joking manner. Kaho likes to do that because she, herself, is not experienced in that field.
Love in a romantic sense.
Kaho decided to love Oozuka Mai when they first met. Her face is small, her blonde hair is glint under the sun, it is long and looks silky. Her sapphire eyes also look noble.
To put it simply, Kaho fell for her.
Oozuka Mai looks like a goddess descended to earth. Then she was painted gorgeously in the most possible way on the canvas on the first day of school. A bit unsuited with Japan’s sakura with her a bit western face. However, she is still lovely.
Knowing Mai closer, Kaho can confidently say, she truly falls for her. Mai has everything. Looks, kindness, wealthiness, and power—a complete package that may only be obtained in the dream. That’s why Kaho fall for her. Simple, right? A really obvious one.
At least, it should be. Koyanagi Kaho falls for the perfect Oozuka Mai just the majority of human beings on earth.
“Mai and Ajisai-san confessed to me”
Renako’s rant or rather bragging, made Kaho stop breathing. There is something that shatters. But, more than anything, Kaho felt so mad. Renako blatantly showed off by ranting about this! She was confessed by top-tier girls in their school! Kaho feels an urge to punch her confused and distressed face at the moment.
Then, it ends. To put it simply, Kaho’s love toward Mai is just like when her favorite ice cream is stocked out in summer. Was she sad? She was. However, there is another her favorite ice cream which is not less delicious than the former, another option.
Koyanagi Kaho thus chooses Koto Satsuki. Koto Satsuki the Ice Queen of Asahigaya. Her face is also small. Her sharp red eyes are so beautiful. She also has long eyelashes. Her nose is also well pointed. Her face is simply divine and framed with silky black hair like a nadeshiko. However, she has sharp tongue. But still attractive nonetheless. To put it simply, Kaho has fallen for her.
In fact, This love is deeper. Kaho does like Satsuki’s indifferent attitude but is still kind enough. A perfect distance. Even when Kaho begged her to cosplay, Satsuki was simply upset but did not hate her. Kaho loves her.
“I don’t really care either way”, Satsuki told her. She is cold. But, calming in another way. Unlike Mai, Kaho known Satsuki deeper and closer. At least, close enough for Satsuki to show her a bit vulnerable and mother complex side.
Loving Koto Satsuki, Kaho pondered while seeing Koto Satsuki who is cosplaying right now. Ah, not bad. The rival of Super Darling.
Kaho doesn’t mind that idea
vii. 愛
“It is okay, Kaho-chan!”
Kaho feeling so weak right now. The old and weak Minaguchi Kaho is back. How pitiful. How disgraceful. Even though the problem is merely a lost contact lens.
“Aah”, her hands are trembling. But, the cotton candy girl before her grasping Kaho’s hand so firmly. Even though, she is also so scared right now. Even though, Renako barely has warmth now—it means her hands are also cold.
“Even so, I will be with you”
Kaho’s vision is blurred. But, she can still see the violet eyes that look at her straightly.
Her forehead still aches up until this moment because Renako crashed their foreheads. But, strangely, Kaho can ignore it. Renako is so close. Renako is so soft. Renako is so warm. She is so—
“It is okay, Kaho-chan!”
“I am with you! We are in this together!”
Renako’s determined gaze. Renako’s shaky breath. Renako’s warmth. Renako's everything—
Aah, this is love, is not it?
Kaho is crying. Once again, Kaho becomes weak. The lame cry baby Minaguchi Kaho is back. Every single of her fear and things she despised so much gather in one place at the same time. She cries so much. Too much.
viii. 惚れてしまったんだ
Who is Kaho fooling?
That question popped out. It infiltrates Kaho’s mind when Kaho closes her eyes. Even, when she sees the sorry-looking Renako now.
Maybe, that’s why she put her phone down calmly when saw the result of this contest. Amaori-san is not as cheerful as she was, she is no longer bringing shounen manga every beginning of the month, she is no longer skinny and short, she is no longer a fussy girl she was, she is no longer the star of the stage. There are people who are much better than her in every aspect.
Even so, truthfully, Koyanagi Kaho still loves her.
Even though, five years already passed by, Koyanagi Kaho still loves her.
Even though Kaho has already met with people who are more suited as heroine, Koyanagi Kaho still loves Amaori Renako.
ix. 惚れていい ?
Amaori-san, can I fall for you?
Kaho swallows her words. Rena-chin's rant one month ago is still fresh in Kaho’s memories. Amaori Renako is loved by two people—amazing ones, she is loved by the Oozuka Mai and an angel.
What Kaho has?
She laments.
Even so, can I still fall in love with you, Rena-chin?
Kaho was gripping her skirt strongly when Saa-chan dragged Rena-chin to the stage. On the stage, two people are standing who loves Rena-chin so much. Kaho doesn’t know how deep their love for Rena-chin is. But, at least they are more courageous to hold Rena-chin’s hand.
Ah, Kaho wants to cry.
Why she is too late?
Why does she deny everything?
x. 恋をする
I like you.
I love you.
I do love you.
From the beginning, even before you offered me to read manga together. When we read manga together. When we laughed in cram school. When we were being scolded because too noisy. When you invited me to take a photo together.
When I thought I won’t have anything. When Father and Mother like to argued back then. When I thought it better to study in cram school rather than in the home. When I thought you are a weird person and won’t be my friend.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Even though you have changed so much. Even though Amaori-san’s dazzling figure might be an illusion you created and I adored.
Even so, I love you.
Even though you are closer with Aa-chan. Even though Mai-Mai loves you. Even though Aa-chan loves you.
Even though it is too late.
I love you.
xi. あなたに惚れた
Her forehead still hurts. It still twitches painfully. Because she crashed her forehead with a certain pink-haired idiot. Even though, Kaho already decided to give up. Even though, Kaho already prepared her widest and most cheerful smile regardless of the result, which one Renako choose. Even though, Kaho already restains herself to not cry.
Even though, she already prepared for the answer. If Renako chooses Ajisai, Kaho will be smirking teasingly, “So, I will mend Mai-Mai’s broken heart and she will be mine!”. If Renako chooses Mai, Kaho will try to fall for the ice queen who stood beside her.
Even though—
Kaho already decided to give up.
To end this foolish first love. To end this stupid story. While saying, “Well, the first love is cheery rarely blossomed!” and laughing cheering in the future.
Kaho is running.
She doesn’t care how people see her bawling ugly with tears now. She doesn’t care how Renako’s reaction regarding Kaho smacking their forehead again. She doesn’t care if Renako fell to the floor. She doesn’t care how Mai, Ajisai, and Satsuki see her.
Hey, it is okay to fall for you, right?
Renako always managed albeit barely, to bend down reality and norms. Kaho’s chest feels so hot. Her vision blurred. Even though, she can’t stop smiling. No, not the smile she wore because of a certain occasion.
It is painful. It is suffocating. It frustrated her to every her beings. But, happiness also spread in her chest. It is painful, Kaho cries, but there is a smile on her face.
“Rena-chin, I will make you fall for me”, she whispered. Renako always acts outside of reason and norms, bending everything carelessly but managing to do it nonetheless. So, it means Kaho can do the same. Just this once—I will be like Rena-chin. There is a chance. Renako can bending everything, so Kaho can do the same.
Just this once, Kaho wishes.
Even though this is only foolish first love, please make it happen.
Even though this wish will hurt her all the same as 5 years ago, please make it happen.
Kaho wishes.
After all, I really fell for her.