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It wasn’t all a horrible nightmare. They didn’t hate each other all of the time. There were moments, mere minutes every once in a while where the loneliness got too much, the pain consuming them, forcing them into each other's arms. It didn’t matter how much worse it would hurt afterwards, but in those moments, both men were happy.
Usually the scene would play out on a rooftop, it was the same every time. Hizashi would already be sitting there, staring at the rising moon, a soft smile on his face while Shouta still contemplated if it was actually the right decision or if he should leave again. He never turned back, always walking up behind Hizashi, tightly hugging his ex husband, hiding his face in Hizashis hair. Hizashi would laugh, pat Shoutas arms wrapped around him and carefully turn around, planting a soft kiss to Shoutas forehead. Shouta would sneak a small kiss to the lips before both men nestled against each other and began to talk.
They talked about various things yet nothing about their personal lives or shared history. They never dared to speak about their past, it didn’t have a place in this calm, peaceful moment the two men shared. Pain, suffering and hatred hung heavy in the air, ready to be picked back up when the moment was over, so they did their best to enjoy the moment.
They rarely laughed, a soft smile being the most Hizashi could get out of Shouta. It wasn’t anything new though, since their divorce Hizashi hadn’t seen Shouta smile again. Hizashi always tried his best to keep the mood bright, always tried telling funny stories off the top of his mind, trying to touch Shouta in the correct places, trying to keep his love with him just a tiny moment longer.
Hizashi knew this wouldn’t last much longer. He knew Shouta wouldn’t last much longer. It was exactly why he cherished every single second of their moments. Sure, on the battlefield Hizashi acted as if he hated Shouta and all the other heroes and perhaps he did, but that didn’t take away from the fact that the man in front of him still made his heart skip a beat like a highschool boy's first crush. It didn’t take away from the fact that Shouta was Hizashis first crush, his first love who he had wanted to spend eternity with.
Shouta was his man and Hizashi loved him. It was simply something that would never change.
Their moment would end when Shouta wanted it to. Hizashi was never the first to leave, he knew better than let that man slip through his fingers.
Shouta would get up, tell Hizashi to have a good night and walk a few steps, before quietly exclaiming “I love you”. Hizashi would always answer with “I love you too Sho” before Shouta would run off, only for Hizashi to stay a bit longer before making his way home as well.
It was their routine, their nights together, their dirty little secret, their moment.
Yet tonight, something was off.
As Shouta was hugging Hizashi from behind, burying his face in Hizashis hair just like every time, Hizashi could feel his hair starting to wet, as well as slight bumping against his back and Shoutas breathing turning frantic.
His love was crying.
It put a sour taste on Hizashis tongue, yet he kept conform to their routine, stayed true to the way things were supposed to play out. He huffed out a small chuckled, patting Shoutas arm just a tiny bit longer than normally. One side of him told him it was because he knew his love needed it, needed everything tonight to go a bit slower, keep the moment going a bit longer, while the other half of him suggested perhaps Hizashi simply wasn’t ready to look at his love crying again and so stalled it out.
He knew both halves were right.
Damn it.
Yet, he still did what he was supposed to, turning around carefully, never fully leaving contact with Shouta, planting a soft kiss to Shoutas forehead. Only this time the kiss lasted a tiny bit longer than normally. Hizashi thought perhaps he should hug Shouta, not let him go again until the other stopped crying, but he ultimately decided to stick to the routine. He knew how much Shouta cherished routine.
The small kiss to the lips followed, both men swiftly finding a good position.
It consisted of Hizashis head in Shouta’s lap, Shouta’s hand softly laying on Hizashis hair as the blonde almost purred at the touch.
Hizashi was talking about some arbitrary thing, something neither of them really cared about, yet he poured his whole heart into it, spinning a narrative just like in the old days.
When they were younger, freshly married if Hizashi remembered correctly, Shouta was having immense trouble sleeping on certain nights. Whenever Hizashi realized it was one of those nights, a night where Shoutas head didn’t seem to stop screaming at him, showing him those terrifying pictures of the things they had seen, the people they had killed, the friends they had lost, Hizashi would get up, make tea for both of them and start telling Shouta a story. It wasn’t a premade one like a fairy tale or a fable he had memorized, it was his own, unique story and it was a different one each time. Every time Hizashi started talking, started kidnapping Shouta into these fantastical worlds living in Hizashis head, Shouta couldn’t help but fall in love with Hizashi all over again. Hizashi would talk and talk, keeping on expanding on the story until Shouta had fallen asleep, at what point Hizashi would pat himself on the back for being such a great husband, before quickly falling asleep as well, knowing full well he’d have to repeat that exact process quite a few times more, but he was fully fine with it, no matter what happened.
Tonight was one of those nights and Shouta was once again plagued by one of Hizashi’s improvised stories.
Hizashi quickly came to realize that Shouta was indeed not listening to his tale about princes and sexy knights, but instead staring off into the distance.
This was the first time Hizashi broke their routine.
“That bad, hm? Not even a story can cheer you up” Hizashi chuckled slightly, the sound quickly getting caught in his throat when tears started streaming down his love’s face again.
“I don’t think anything can anymore.” Shoutas voice was quiet, broken and shaking, clearly holding back more tears and possibly a sob.
“So you’re leaving soon?” Hizashi sat up, now staring into the distance as well, knowing this meant the end.
“Yes.” Neither looked at the other, both staying quiet for a moment before Hizashi found the bravery to open his mouth again with some outlandish idea of his.
“I want to take you out for lunch for your last day.” He turned towards Shouta, a big smile on his face, a smile which for the first time in a while felt at least somewhat real. “You and me, lunch, tomorrow?” Shouta didn’t dare look at Hizashi, yet Hizashi could clearly see the tears streaming down Shouta’s beautiful cheeks becoming more and more.
“Okay.”
This was it.
This was the moment Hizashi knew would inevitably come, yet he still feared it oh so greatly.
This was the moment he wouldn’t be able to make his husband turn around anymore.
Shouta had always struggled in his life, he had tried to end it a few times and yet every time, somehow, by the love of everything that was holy, Hizashi could convince him otherwise. Hizashi had always somehow possessed the power of making his love turn around and choose life, choosing Hizashi and the people who valued him, who believed in him, who needed him.
Not tonight.
Hizashi no longer possessed those powers.
“You’re not leaving soon. You’re leaving today, aren’t you?” Hizashi stood his ground, still smiling softly, holding back his own tears forming in his eyes, burning his mind every second he dared to look at his love.
“Yes.” It was everything Hizashi had feared for so long, his worst nightmare coming true and yet, he tried his best to stay strong, if not for him then for Shouta. The last thing his husband needed now was someone breaking down, making him feel bad for a decision he couldn’t change anymore.
“Wow, so that’s it. Just a moment more and you’re gone for good.” Shouta was the first to break, starting to sob uncontrollably before hiding his face in his hands, trying his best to take deep enough breaths to get coherent words out.
“Why am I so sad?! Am I doing the wrong thing?!” Hizashi grabbed his husbands shoulders, turning the crying man towards him, smiling as he let his own tears fall freely, his sight enough to shock Shouta into a form of stiffness.
“Absolutely not. It’s just, sometimes, goodbyes are a bitch” A small chuckle escaped Hizashi before pulling Shouta into a tight hug, a hug into which he cried and cried, seconds passing until Shouta seemed to move again, grabbing Hizashi’s leather jacket and screaming, a sound which not only send chills down Hizashis spine, but also tore at his heart in a way that forced sobs to escape the blondes mouth.
They stayed like that for a bit, Hizashi trying his best to stay strong for both of them as Shouta let the pain out, violently sobbing and pulling on Hizashi’s jacket, almost seeming to have a mental breakdown right there in Hizashis arms as Hizashi is unable to do anything but watch.
He felt so powerless in that situation, a form of desperation creeping in, of dread which he hasn’t felt in a long time.
The minutes turned to what felt like hours and without them realizing how long it had been, Hizashi could see the sun coming up, marking the end of a moment and a life for both of them.
Everything was silent between them as they let go of each other, both men getting up, Shouta staring at his husband for a moment before walking across the rooftop they had been meeting on ever since their divorce, stopping right at the edge. He turned around, pulling out a simple handgun from his pocket, signaling to Hizashi that it was over, once and for all.
Hizashi couldn’t move, his lungs not working as well as his airways closing up, his brain lacking any form of oxygen for him to rationally think.
Looking back on it he should have done something, should have slapped the gun out of Shoutas hand, taken him to the hospital, gotten him help.
He knew it would have been for nothing and Shouta would have simply tried again and again until it would succeed, so why put them both through even more pain.
They kept staring for a few seconds longer before Shouta smiled, delivering the final dagger to Hizashis heart.
“I love you.” This was it, the end of their routine. The end of their moment.
“I love you too Sho”
Hizashi turned around, slowly walking off, trying his best to just ignore the sounds. The gunshot, the body hitting the ground, the screams of the people on their morning walk. He simply tried to ignore it all.
It was the first time where he was the one to walk off.