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The first time I saw Neil after weeks of not knowing anything about him was at the New Year’s Party, which Knox had enthusiastically helped to plan alongside dear Chris Noel. It was at the Danburry’s house, which was a complete surprise, considering the incident that occured on that certain party. Anyways, I guess Chris found a way somehow, and there we were, planning where to put these decorations, and where we were gonna place those drinks for the guests, acting as if we didn’t notice Neil’s absence at all.
It was too obvious how everyone was trying to avoid talking about it, especially Charlie, who I found catching his breath inside the bathroom once. He turned around, and even though there weren’t any tears in his eyes, I could still tell he was just recovering from a crying session. We didn’t say anything, we just looked at each other and hugged, for what seemed to be an eternity. Because I think the both of us knew how affected the other one was.
The rumors flew quicker than anything: Neil had escaped to become an actor in secret, Neil was kidnapped by poor Mr. Keating, as if he wasn’t the reason Neil smiled on stage. Neil this, Neil that. But the one that hurt me to most to hear being whispered in the hallways was the one were Neil commited suicide. Everytime I overheard someone saying that, I wanted to punch a hole in the closest wall. I wanted to bury my head in my pillow until I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to scream as loud as I could. But I’m good at acting, and even though the Poets knew, by the way I sat at lunch and stared at my food as if it was going to escape, by the way I stopped coming out of my room - our room- altogether, by the I just wasn’t smiling like the way I used to do, no one else bothered to see if something was wrong with me. Which made me feel better and worse at the same time.
I wasn’t even sure if avoiding the subject was doing us any good. I mean, I was going insane that none of us, his goddamned friends, were mentioning him. And still, the thought of talking about him made me feel like vomiting the food that I already wasn’t even eating. His face, his smile, his hair… All of him tormented me more than anyone else would imagine. He filled all of my brain, it was barely impossible to study when his bed was right there and just… Fucking lifeless. So so fucking empty, god. My sheets were always so wet from my tears, and my hands looked as if I had Parkinsons. I wanted to know where he was, if he was safe, if his father hadn’t fucking murdered him… But the answer was the thing that I dreaded the most. It became my number one fear, and avoiding it was all I could do.
Until I saw him under the Danburry’s roof, covered in snow and with a red nose. Breathing, and healthy, and safe. It took all of my self control to not just fucking sprint across the stairs and hug him, just to make sure that he was actually there, to make sure his pulse was actually there. Charlie didn’t have it in him to actually stop himself, since he was the one to open the door, and he started balling his eyes out almost in command. He hid his face in Neil’s neck, as they hugged, and as Neil was whispering something in Charlie’s ear. What I couldn’t stop myself from doing was for my silent sobs to start coming out; I noticed once my vision became blurry. And after Charlie calmed himself down, those words I thought I would never hear again came out of his mouth.
-Neil’s here!
Almost immediately, I felt Knox and Meeks pass me by, running downstairs from just finishing dressing up. Pitts and Cameron came out from the kitchen, where they were finishing up getting the drinks done. Soon enough, every Poet had gathered in the entrance. Except, of course…
I stood there, frozen at the top of the stairs. Then he looked up, searching for me. When we locked eyes, I felt the most alive I had felt in a very long while. His hair looked as soft as ever. His eyes were still so dark, with a beauty I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully explain. His lips, his freckles. And as if it wasn’t enough, his voice.
-Hi Todd-, he said, as if to finally confirm he wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, because everyone else turned around to look at me. He tried to smile, but it disappeared as fast as it came.
-Hey, long time no see, right?-, I said in the stupidest sing-songy voice, as if I wasn’t crying seconds ago, as I started to walk downstairs, and then I felt as if my feet had gained their own conscience. Yeah, I couldn’t stop walking now.
-I’m kinda busy right now, I’ll catch you later, ‘kay?-, I don’t let Neil say anything else before I’m already past the entrance and walking through the house corridors. God, I’m so stupid. I don’t even have the courage to look at any of their faces, they must think I’m going insane. Not blaming them though, because I am.
I do my best to avoid any of my friends while more guests keep arriving. Thankfully, no wild shenanigans happen in that amount of time. Chris keeps receiving them, and Pitts comes with a board with a bunch of cups each time. Charlie and Neil haven’t stopped talking since the arrival; everytime I go to get more soda I see them from the corner of my eye, sitting on the wooden floor of the living room. I keep this cycle, until Cameron catches me eyeing them.
-It’s creepy that you keep doing that, y’know?-, he calls from the inside of the kitchen, and I almost have a heart attack. I fully entered the room before speaking to him.
-How long have you been watching me?
-Since the first time you went to refill your cup, you dumbass. It’s on you that you didn’t notice me from the start-, he says as he keeps serving soda into new cups. -Why haven’t you talked to him anyways?
-Because I’m terrified, Cameron. Very, very terrified. I’m afraid I’ll touch Neil and he’ll disappear into thin air-, I grab the kitchen door handle as if it were my lifeline.
Cameron lets out a chuckle and puts the soda bottle aside.
-I already said hi to him and I can assure you, he’s very real.
I must look like a madman for Cameron to be so comforting to me. What has gotten to me, really?
-Look, we both know how much you have been anxious to know what happened to Neil for him to disappear just like that after probably the best night of his life. I mean, I have been as well. But I feel that it has been much more different to you.
I have to blink a couple of times after he ends his speech. Before I can say anything, he puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me a knowing look.
-We know, Todd. And I think he should know too.
I stay there, once again unable to move. We know, Todd. Well, I guess it was just a matter of time then. I look at Cameron’s eyes once again, and I take the deepest breath I have ever taken.
-Yeah, he probably should.
He smiles the tiniest bit, gives me one last pat and leads me outside the kitchen.
Once we’re out, I see Neil now standing up, looking for someone else, as Charlie seems to have already left.
-Atta boy-, Cameron says from behind me, and then he walks away with yet another board full of cups.
I nod, while adjusting my coat and thinking of a plan of action. If we’re going to talk, I want us to be alone.
Finally I get an idea. I watch Neil until he finally looks where I am, and just then I act as if I didn't see him at all. I start walking away from the kitchen, not looking back to see if he's actually following me. I'm 80% sure he'll do it. I find that balcony I found while putting decorations up, and proceed to sit on the ground. I remember it stood out to me a lot because of how lonely it looked. Apparently the Danburry's don't use that often, which beats me why.
My hypothesis is proven rather quickly; mere seconds pass before he's also there with me.
-Hey-, he knocks on the entrance’s frame. -Can I join you?
I turn around to look at him, and by God, I have to remind myself that he's not a painting for me to look at for hours on end. I don't know if I'll ever say it at loud, but he's the prettiest person I've ever laid my eyes on. All of him, his face, his eyes, his body. So delicate and yet, so masculine, all at the same time.
-Yeah, sure-, I tell him, as I gesture for him to sit down in front of me. We stay in silence for a moment when he does.
It looks like his gears are moving in his brain, probably to figure out how to continue the conversation.
-And... What was that all about?-, he says, breaking the silence, gesturing to the house's entrance.
-The what?
-C’mon Anderson, don’t play dumb with me-, he hit on the head with a glove he had taken out of his hand, smiling. I also smiled at the sight. -It almost looked as if you were running away from me, just then when I came in.
-No! That... I just needed to go to the bathroom real bad, that’s all.
He stopped smiling at me for a second. We both knew I was lying, and I was aware of it.
-Are you not gonna ask me?
I could've said "Ask you what?", but that would've just made me look like an idiot. We were supposedly talking to communicate, but the truth is we already knew what the other one was thinking.
-Okay Neil, why did you disappear? Were you abducted by aliens? Are the rumors true?-, I tried to sound as if I was joking. As if I wasn’t getting no sleep from thinking the worst; from thinking I might just never see Neil alive again. So warm, so bright.
-Not all of them are true, but…-, he stopped midway through his sentence. He then made a gun out of his hand, closed one eye and pointed in front of him. -One of them is true.
I tried for my face to not look as horrified as I was feeling. I understood, I understood way too easily. This moment in time right here, right now, was a miracle. If I wasn’t already sitting, understanding that would’ve probably made me fall to my knees.
I could feel the sadness in his eyes when he turned to look at me again. No, not sadness…
-I almost did it, Todd. I almost… If it wasn’t for my father, I…
He couldn’t finish, and I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t need to hear anything else. I instead put myself closer to him and wrapped my arm around his neck, while he was catching his breath.
Guilt. Not sadness, guilt. Guilt was the thing I saw in his eyes.
I tried to take this moment in as much as I could. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling Neil’s body under my touch, feeling the cold weather. Listening to the talking people inside the house that just seemed like gibberish from here, listening to the fireworks that were starting even before the actual New Year.
-My dad…-, Neil began. -My dad is making me move schools. I don’t know when I’ll see you guys again. You have no idea how lucky I was that he even let me come here today, heh.
He laughed bitterly at the end, and I tried not to get mad right then and there. Fucking hell, Neil almost committed suicide, and the decision his father makes is to take him away from the most supporting people he’s ever had? Bullshit.
We stay together on the balcony for God knows how long, in the same position. And before we know it, we start hearing the guests running around, calling names, and announcing the New Year is just minutes away.
-You wanna go inside?-, I ask.
-No, I think I'd rather stay here, yeah.
As more time keeps passing by, more couples keep passing by the balcony’s entrance, holding hands. That’s when I remember the main reason I wanted to come here. And now that it looks like it may take a while for us to see each other again, I realize the courage I have to gain, and how little time I have to gain it.
-Neil, I… I need to tell you something.
I take my arm away from him, just now realizing for how long it was in that position once I feel the cramps.
He looks at me, and I almost tell him to forget it, but I don’t let myself do it, not now. I decide to not look at him when I start talking to try and keep the nerves down.
-Look, I’ve been meaning… I’ve been meaning to tell you this for… A while now, I guess, but I just haven’t gotten the balls to say it.
I feel his gaze on me, and I know if I look at him now I’ll run away, so I refrain myself.
-I…-, the words almost choke me, I feel like I could drown in them. -I like you Neil, a lot. And not just… Not just in a friendly manner.
Even though I’m done, I still can’t make myself look at him. Because I feel that once I do, all of the other things will also get out. I’ll tell him how I love the way he smells, how his smile might just have curative powers, how his dimples are the cutest thing I’ve seen in my life. How he fuels me with energy each passing moment we’re together, how much life his hugs give me, how I could watch him perform every day, all day.
I’m lost in thought when I feel his hand on my chin. He forces me to look him in the eyes.
-For how long have you been feeling like this?-, is what he says, and it feels like his voice comes out in a whisper.
-I… I’m not sure really, but… Yeah, it’s been a while now.
We stare at each other, and it feels like time stops. That’s until I hear people counting down inside, in the main room.
-Well thank god you learned how to use your words, Anderson.
A million thoughts cross my mind when our lips touch, but the stronger thing that comes is how soft Neil’s are. He tastes like something sweet, but I’m too lost in the kiss to think of what it actually is. And when we separate to catch our breaths, I feel the need to pinch myself. He didn’t die, but not only that: Neil Perry kissed me on New Year. Never in a million years would I have thought that was remotely possible.
Now, as we stay silent touching foreheads, while listening to the cheers and to the hundreds of fireworks being thrown into the sky, I feel safe. We’ll find a way to figure things out, I know it. We’ll write letters, we’ll meet at night in secret. Once we leave college, we’ll run away together. We’ll grow old in a cottage, in the middle of a forest, where no one will find us.
I’m sure we’ll find a way. With him by my side, I’m invincible.
Yeah, thank god I learned how to use my words.