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The thing Egon couldn’t stand the most about being alone was just how boring it was. Most days he tried to work on a solution but nothing would come to him so he’d just sit. Back at the firehouse or their apartment he always had someone mostly Ray to bounce ideas off of. Out here he was on his own.
On his own with his own thoughts to keep him company. They grew darker as the days went on. His hand still hurt after last months issue. His hand would scare that was for sure but other than that he felt fine. Well not fine, he felt numb. Numb to the feelings of the world and not in his usual way. He’s not the first to notice he doesn’t feel emotions like others but this was different.
The emotions he did feel, felt either too overpowering on the rare occasion or barely there. Today was one of the latter. He didn’t mind the numb feeling. To be honest it was much better than the other one. The other one is the one that led to his hand. The other one led to the scar on his head. The other one made him want to reopen that wound and drill deeper. Maybe it would get rid of the numb feeling he felt now. Maybe it would get rid of the memories. The memories of when he didn’t feel the numb feeling.
He sat in his chair the one he brought from their well now Ray’s apartment. It was a struggle to get in but it was worth it. The lingering smell of Ray was still on it. The last scent of him and it was fading. Soon it will be gone, but he would still be here.
He didn’t want to think about not smelling Ray anymore. He didn’t want to think about never seeing him again. He left messages and Rays called back. He could never let himself pick up the phone. It was like a weight held him in place. It hurt more than he could bear that weight. He never got used to the feeling but he lived with it.
He slowly got up to his radio. He rarely touched it. But in a moment like this, he needed something to distract his mind. Ray wasn’t there to do that for him. Ray wasn’t there to cuddle him. Ray wasn’t there. He wasn’t so he had to fill that void with something.
“ I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel / I focus on the pain/The only thing that's real / The needle tears a hole .” He rarely listens to the lyrics of a song. He knew the voice to be Johnny Cash, it was played at the firehouse. He had forgotten who had played him. It made him upset to forget a detail like that. The first verse of the song hit him. It made him make sure to listen.
“What have I become/My sweetest friend?/Everyone I know/Goes away in the end/And you could have it all/My empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt”
The words stung deep. The felt like the drill to his skull. Pushing their way through. The lyrics surrounded him. He had turned the radio to forget but it reminded him of himself. The monster who left them for what “an empire of DIRT”. He didn’t have to make his friends hurt or let them down he already had. He let them down the moment he walked out of the doors. The moment he took everything and left. He still listened to the voicemails Ray leaves him on repeat. They stab him in his gut. He hadn’t realised it but tears were streaming down his face. He knew he was an asshole, but he never wanted to become this much of one. He ended up being a part of his father that he promised he’d never be.
“ If I could start again/A million miles away/I would keep myself/I would find a way ” By the last verse he was sobbing. He had put the music to leave his thoughts behind but instead, it showed him who he truly was.
He hated himself. He hated who he become. He hated that he no longer cared about saving the world. He hated that it was the only thing he could do because he burnt all his support systems. He hated that he didn’t have the gut anymore to bring that drill down and just end it. He hated that a small part of him still cared. He hated that the small part that did sound exactly like Ray.
The numb feeling consumed him once more as he sat in his chair in silence. This cycle he was in would repeat itself.