Chapter Text
"I cried today", he started after a long moment of sitting in silence. He felt weak and useless for feeling so vulnerable in front of the older. He looked up for a bit and immediately he regretted it. He could feel the tears return, he didn't want that, to cry again especially when the older was looking at him like that, like he was something broken.
He hated it because it was true.
"I..", he brought his hand up to wipe on his cheek. He could feel it, warm and wet, "I don't really cry anymore, i-i kinda learnt how to hold it in ever since I j-joined the group"
The older didn't say anything, he didn't reply, he simply waited because he knew there was more.
"I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I'm never enough for them. I don't blame anyone, trust me I love them, they're my family but when stuff like this happens, I can't help but wonder what my purpose is in all of this. I'm supposed to be the strongest, I'm not supposed to fight and I'm supposed to present myself in a certain way but why am I like this?"
Jungwon struggled a lot when he was younger. He was an emotional kid, he'd cry about everything. It was quite annoying for most people around him so he tried to fix that by working hard to be a different person.
He did so much to toughen himself up, that's one of the reasons why he started taekwondo. It wasn't just about gaining physical strength, it was about being mentally prepared and emotionally strong.
He wanted to be like the other boys who'd shake things off and stand up like nothing was wrong. He wanted to be like the other boys who'd laugh off every single insult or word against them as if it were a joke. He wanted to be like the other boys who didn't care about what others said because that's how the world worked. Harsh.
He put up a strong front, only showed care to the ones he was close to and showed the rest of the world that he didn't care about their opinions.
That was why a number of people had labeled him as unapproachable and ever angry. It surprised many how soft and kind he was once they got to know him. He explained that to the older.
"What made you upset Jungwon-ah?"
"It's Heeseung-hyung, n-no! I'm not b-blaming him I swear", he was quick to say once the older furrowed his eyebrows in thoughtful silence,"It's just he hurt my f-feelings and then the o-others started taking sides"
The other leader patiently waited for him to elaborate so he sighed out in surrender.
"W-we had an argument about my competence as a leader. He was tired, I know he didn't mean to say I didn't deserve i-it. It was my f-fault for saying that h-he didn't contribute t-to anything and I know J-jake-hyung didn't mean it either, h-he just loves hyung, their the r-ramyeonz, it's not a question on which side he was taking. S-Sunghoon-hyung was just mad because we always get into fights a-and Ni-ki will follow Jake-hyung and Heeseung-hyung everywhere. Jay-hyung and Sunoo-hyung only defended me because they felt s-sorry for me"
Jungwon tried so hard to explain but his words all spilled out a flurry of sadness and anger at himself.
The group had come back from a long day of packed schedules. Everyone was exhausted and a little cranky especially after their choreographer had looked disappointed. They weren't the only ones who were tired and she clearly wasn't in the right state of mind. Jungwon figured this out when she accidentally snapped at him for being out of sync. She was usually patient with them and when she left them to practice on their own, Riki being in charge, while she collected herself, he knew something bad was going to happen.
It all started with the annoyed expressions his members shot him once she left. They didn't have to say anything for him to know he was holding them back so he pushed through his tired body and tried to keep up. Could you blame him though, before practice he had to go through a few scores for the instrumentals of their upcoming album before sending them off for evaluation. That was all after he had song writing classes with Sunoo, a draining meeting with the managers on his own where he had to be lectured about the groups behavior in their recent vlive and before that he was at school.
It was all too much for a seventeen year old boy.
Jungwon explain that he felt bad for pushing his members too hard, especially after they had worked hard in the practice room but they couldn't leave the dorm looking like a barn as day longer after they were scolded for it when the camera crew stopped by.
He knew Heeseung-hyung wouldn't want to do much after the long day and he knew he'd crossed the line when he told him he was being lazy like he always was.
He knew Heeseung didn't mean to tell him that the dorms would have looked better if he did his job properly as their leader.
He knew he shouldn't have asked him why he wasn't leader instead. He remembered how he stared at him in disbelief. That was always a touchy subject for the older.
He knew Heeseung didn't mean to call him all those things he didn't want to remember. It hurt more than he thought it would. He didn't want to be told all those things the anti-fans called him, especially since Heeseung knew he was sensitive about that. He didnt want to be reminded of what he thought of himself as well.
Maybe it didn't start in the practice room, maybe it started that day he took the members' words to heart about him crying too much about useless things because he was a man and men don't cry.
Maybe it started that day his mother slapped him for crying so loud when she had a headache.
Maybe it started that day he fell and he was laughed at for shedding tears.
Maybe it was all those times.
"Jungwon", the older started, "I don't think it's about you getting your feelings hurt today"
Jungwon remembered having to carry on with the day after the argument. He remembered quickly rubbing his eyes to stop the tears. He remembered telling Sunoo that he didn't care and that he was fine. He remembered slipping out of the dorms once he decided to try clean the house quietly by himself once he told the members that he didn't need them and that they should all do what they want.
He remembered flinching when he heard a door open and he remembered hearing his name come out of their mouths.
They were talking about him. Discussing about him as if he couldn't just walk in. It was okay because he deserved it.
He remembered quickly walking through the halls of the building, desperate to find a quiet place and he remembered suddenly stopping because it was all too much for him.
His knees gave out and his body felt cold and he dropped to the floor and sobbed.
That's where his sunbae found him, clutching onto himself, searching for a warmth that he knew he wouldn't find.
"I think your feelings are always hurt and I think you cover it up. I get that you were frustrated and being a leader is not easy, trust me but it's unhealthy, especially for someone so young, for you to keep those frustrations in. You need to find an outlet or you'll never find peace"
"I-i know but I'm not really, I don't know how"
"Maybe you should start by talking to the members whenever they make you upset because it not right for you to feel that way. They probably think you're okay because you won't show them thag you're not okay"
"Buti have to be okay or else I'm weak"
"No, who told you that. There is strength in vulnerability"
"But I'm scared"
"About what?"
"I'm scared that they'll make fun of me for crying or for not being okay"
"Oh"
"It's hard hyung. I remember when I had a fight with Sunghoonie-hyung. I cried and some of the members told me that I was being petty because it 'was not that deep' but for me it was and-"
"Jungwon-ah", he older said as he placed a hand on his back, "breathe"
Jungwon did as he was told. He was crying again and he hated to admit that it made him feel a lot lighter. The older male let him fall into his arms which only led him to cry even more.
Jungwon felt better every passing moment and so he let himself finally relax.
That didn't last for a while when they heard a knock on the door. There wasn't much time to tell the person to leave once they opened the door.
"Soobin hyung!", It was a familiar yet desperate voice. It was Jake.
"I need your help", Jake in his state of distress hadn't even looked at the older. Instead he paced around the office, running his hands through his hair, a habit of his that only intensified when he experienced such strong emotions, "Jungwonnie left the dorm, he was upset, we all were but I think he was extra upset and we kind of made it worse by being so cold. I didn't mean to seem like I didn't care. I didn't think he'd leave, especially without telling anyone. It's late and homes by himself, I need to find him. The others are already looking but when I saw your light on I had to ask for your help-"
Jake stopped once he realised that Soobin wasn't facing him. At first glance you wouldn't notice but once you looked again you could see the hair peeking out from in front of the older.
Jake would've thought it was someone from TXT but he thought hard and he knew none of them had dark blue hair that turned slightly purple under the light.
He gasped as he moved closer.
Soobin turned to him which only made the youngest of the three try to hide. He didnt want his Jake hyung to see him like that. He had already been seen by his sunbae and he felt quite embarrassed.
"Is that Jungwon?", he asked Soobin. The older gave him a sad nod.
"You should take him", Soobin said. Jungwon didn't agree with that so he clutched onto the fabric of his jacket.
"Wait outside", Soobin asked and hesitantly, Jake walked out and waited
"Jungwon-ah", his voice was soft. This oddly reminded Soobin of whenever Beomgyu was upset. They were both so adorable and clingy like that, "The best thing you can do for yourself is to go with Jake. He's worried about you"
"I don't wanna go", Jungwon sobbed, "They're angry with me"
"Do you think they'd a get out of the dorms at one in the morning to look for you if they were really angry", Jungwon shook his head.
"Then what's stopping you"
"I'm just scared because they expect me to be this person but I'm not. I wanna cry without them teasing me. I wanna be angry without them questioning it and telling me that it's teenage hormones. I wanna tell them that they made me sad so I'll be okay and I won't feel as useless as they tell me I am"
"Then tell them", Soobin said. He smiled when Jungwon stared at him in realisation.
"Tell them", Jungwon whispered to himself. He looked up at Soobin and gave him a tight hug.
"Thank you hyung"
"No problem Jungwon-ah. I know how it feels to feel useless when you know you're trying your best. I know how it's hard because the members expect you to lead them all the time but you all forget that you're just as sad, tired angry and exhausted as they are and that you're just as old as they are but I need you to remember two things for me", Jungwon nodded and waited for him to continue.
"1. Don't ever think it's okay to bottle up your feelings for the sake of your members. You're only hurting them and yourself in the process. Confide in them and they'll understand. I know they will. 2", he stopped for a moment and made sure Jungwon was at full attention to listen.
"It's okay to cry"