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I let you see the parts of me that weren’t all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them
“Yu gonplei ste odon.”
Lexa watched as the battered boy in front of her took his last breath. She nodded to her men and quickly found herself back in her tent. Sifting through war tactics and maps of Mount Weather, Lexa pretended to not notice Clarke as the blonde entered the dimly lit space. Clarke stood near the entrance for a while and eyed the Commander as she busied herself with papers and such.
“You don’t have to kill them you know.”
Lexa paused for a moment. She knew Clarke had been watching. The sky girl never understood why it had to be done, always leaving with a look of disapproval strewn across her face whenever an execution was performed. Every time it was questioned Lexa avoided the conversation. This time was no different.
“I do not know what you speak of.” Lexa couldn’t read the emotions running across Clarke’s face. She looked disappointed and pitiful altogether. Both looks Lexa was not fond of. Lexa was the first to break the eye contact and quickly spun back around, staring half heartedly at the same war tactics she had been eyeing for the past five minutes. She jumped when she felt Clarke’s hand land on her shoulder. The body armour was long gone. She threw it off as soon as she was out of view.
“Lexa.” Letting out a shaky breath, she turned around and her grey eyes met blue. Clarke continued. “He was just a kid.”
“Fifteen,” Lexa avoided Clarke’s focused stare, “to be exact.” Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. She just didn’t get it. The boy wasn’t even trying to get to the Commander. He simply attacked the guard. Was dared to. All Clarke heard was another boy sitting beside him mumble the word kwelen before he got up and charged at the group of guards. He didn’t even get one good hit in before he was knocked unconscious and bound to the wooden pole to be dealt with come morning. Clarke sat there all night watching him as she wondered how they could off him – a young boy – so easily. Lexa sighed.
“Age is not of importance here, Clarke. He went for one of my men. A crime that is punishable by death. Certainly the Sky People would not allow this act to go unresolved.” Clarke knew Lexa was beating around the bush.
“You call that resolving something?” Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Killing a fifteen year old boy because he wanted to prove something to his friends doesn’t sound like resolving anything to me.”
“Those other boys will not step out of line again will they?” Clarke eyes went wide. She nodded her head in disapproval and headed out of the tent, away from there. She was almost out the passageway when Lexa called her name.
“Clarke.”
The blonde turned around, expectantly.
“I do not like performing these rituals. You understand that, no?” Clarke slowly inched her way back toward the suddenly sullen Commander. “It is something that has always been done. It is expected Clarke. People will start to question my authority if action is not taken.”
“It’s just not right.” Lexa saw the hurt flash through Clarke’s eyes.
Lexa’s whole demeanor softened and she thought of the people she’s had to put on that pole. Most recently Finn, and Gustus.
It’s not right, she thought.
“But it has to be done, Clarke.”
Now you’ve been talking in your sleep Things you never say to me
Lexa’s eyes shot open when she heard Clarke mumble in her sleep. Trained to wake at the slightest noise, she was relieved to find out it was just the blonde girl next to her speaking in her slumber. She was not, however, pleased to hear what exactly Clarke was saying. While most of it sounded like randoms nothings, two things stood out to Lexa most.
Finn and I love you.
Lexa’s face fell. Suddenly, sleeping next to Clarke, her Clarke, the blue-eyed beauty didn’t feel like hers at all. She wondered if Finn had never died, if Clarke would even be here right now. She thought about her relationship with Clarke. They spent time together, they hugged, they kissed, they whispered into each others ears as they lay beside one another. Many people questioned their romance from the start. Many were skeptical (though one death glare from Lexa and they were all aboard), and many thought it was just a war tactic, to keep the alliance strong. But Lexa was sure about it. Lexa was positive. There was no doubt in her mind.
She loved Clarke.
She just wasn’t sure if Clarke had any room left in her heart to love her back.
The dark haired girl knew there was a place for her somewhere, but there would always be the question of where.
That we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
“Lexa?”
“Yes, Clarke?”
“Can you tell me about Costia?” Clarke looked into Lexa’s grey eyes and watched her face falter for a moment, before she settled on a soft look, saved for Clarke and only Clarke, and Costia at one point too, the blonde assumed.
Lexa hesitated for a moment before finding the right words.
“We met while preparing for battle. It was a wonder that I never noticed her before then, Clarke. The war ahead of us would be both our first time following as seconds.” Lexa paused, and then gave Clarke a sly smile.
“What is the term the Sky People use when they have not, ‘made love,’ as you like to call it?” Clarke let out a laugh.
“Virgin?” Clarke stated with a wide smile. She loved when Lexa tried to use her people’s slang.
“Yes. Costia and I were virgins to war, very young, and as I would not like to admit, very scared.” Clarke’s booming laugh echoed throughout the room. She was about to tease the poor Commander when the girl lying next to her gave her the death glare of the century.
Lexa rolled her eyes playfully and continued, “We stuck together the whole trip, separating only when duty called. Even then we tried to keep close.”
“Was she a good fighter?” Clarke asked, interested in the girl who had been able to capture Lexa’s heart; the whole entirety of it. Clarke saw Lexa’s face light up when she told her a tale of Costia fighting off some wild mutation in the forest. She wondered if Lexa looked like that when she talked about her. Or if she even talked about her at all.
“She was the best warrior out there Clarke. She could handle anything thrown at her.”
“So what happened?” As soon as she asked the question Lexa’s face fell from a look of adoration to a look of pain and anger.
“Some of our people had come down with an illness. The healer was not able to decipher exactly what the sickness was but he knew of an antidote that would suppress the virus long enough for him to find a solution. Costia and I offered to go find it. The trip would have taken two nightfalls at most. We had two of my men accompany us and we were all settling down to rest when we were attacked. It happened so fast Clarke. All we heard were the chants of the Ice Nation before Costia was taken and my men were forcing me away.”
Lexa had tears in her eyes. Clarke seldom saw her like this. The times she did, however, Clarke would just hold her. The young Commander held her thoughts in for far too long at times and when she let her walls down, even if for a couple of minutes, Clarke wanted to be there for her. But tonight was different. She had more questions and far too many open wounds that needed care as well.
“How did you get past it? Move on, live your life?” Lexa then realized what Clarke’s inquiries were about.
“The moment Costia was taken from me was the moment I learned that my people come before me, Clarke. I did not want anyone else from my tribe to suffer at my hands. I formed an alliance with the Ice Nation, and I lead my people.”
“But you loved her didn’t you? How did you get over that?”
“I never stopped loving her Clarke. I’m just not in love with her anymore, do you understand?” Lexa searched Clarke’s face, looking for any sign of understanding.
“What changed?”
“A girl I’ve grown to like very much fell from the sky.”
Clarke’s lips quirked up into a small smile, but slowly turned into a slight frown as she whispered,
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, Lexa.”
“That’s okay, Clarke.”
“But that won’t stop me from falling in love with you.”
Lexa smiled and pulled the blonde girl closer. I’ve already fallen, she thought.