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Sitting alone in the away ship made her antsy. Given her trion levels, it had been decided she would stay behind. Out of any combat. Unable to support her team.
Chika hated it. Hated the worry it left her with. The guilt. They were only here because of her, and now they were alone because of her. Her stomach twisted with regret, her heart sank with fear. What if something happened? What if something went wrong? What if--
The ship lurched suddenly, metal groaning as something collided with the side. It was jarring--enough to pull her out of her head. Around her, sirens wailed. People moved.
They were under attack.
She leapt to her feet, looking for somewhere to hide. A more strategic location. Where would Osamu tell her to go? Think. Think. Calm down.
Why hadn't she felt it coming? Why hadn't her side effect alerted her?
Another blast rocked the away ship and Chika stumbled, bracing herself against the wall. Smoke started to fill the room, fill her lungs. Why did this hurt so much? Her trion body--
" You. "
She spun wildly, turning towards the sound of the voice. Thick, laced with venom.
Familiar.
It was hard to see through the haze. It was too thick, too choking. But whoever it was, they could clearly see her.
Should she say anything? Run? Which direction were they coming from? How many?
Calm down. Think. Think. Think .
"What are you doing here?" the voice asked again. Chika felt something clawing at the back of her brain. A memory? A thought. A realization .
The figure stepped through the fog, just barely visible through the cover of smoke and red lights.
Wild brown hair. Flashing teal eyes. Black horns. A Neighbor .
Except, that was wrong. She couldn't be a Neighbor--she hadn't felt anything . A Neighbor would have alerted her. She would have known.
"Answer me."
Chika's mouth opened, but no words came out. Suddenly, she couldn't move. She didn't know what to do.
"Chika, what are you doing here!?"
Oh. Oh .
She finally found her voice. It trembled violently, shaking like her knees. "I--I came to save my friend."
"You won't save anyone."
She moved before Chika could react. She could feel the trion blade twist in her stomach. Why did it hurt? Why wasn't her trigger activated?
Why?
Why?
"It's all your fault, anyway."
She gasped awake, clutching her gut. Drenched in a cold sweat. Breathless.
Alive.
It was hard to feel okay. To calm her breathing and to feel present. Back in her bed, in her home, on Earth.
Not Aftokrator.
Not an away ship.
Not in a heap on the floor.
Safe .
Shakily, she reached for her phone with one hand. With the other, she hurriedly wiped the tears from her eyes. She was safe. Safe. It was okay, she was safe.
Were they?
Chika had only written the first few words of the message when she changed her mind. ' Please let me know you're okay ' turned into ' Good morning!! '. The empty space of an answer she desperately needed but was afraid to ask for was filled by a happy sticker.
It was just a nightmare. Of course they were safe.
It was silly to think otherwise.
But, she couldn't help the way her eyes slid over to the pictures on her shelf. Carefully studying the faces she already knew so well, that she saw almost every time she closed her eyes.
Were they safe?
Could they wait any longer?
She hoped so. She had to hold onto that hope.
□
“Are you feeling okay?”
Osamu had the back of his hand pressed to her forehead, face twisted in concern. She couldn’t quite remember the conversation that brought them here. Maybe that’s how it had happened. She’d been so checked out of what was happening that they caught on to her.
Yuma was leaning close as well, arms folding across his chest. “You haven’t been feeling sick or anything, right?”
“No,” she finally offered. A crumb to calm them. She didn’t need them to worry about her, couldn’t handle them worrying about her. They had enough on their plates already. They were already working so hard, and all for her. For her selfish wishes, to fix her mistakes, because she couldn’t do it alone. “No, I’m okay.”
Yuma’s lip twitched, curling downwards.
“I just haven’t been sleeping well,” she hurried out, before he could expose her. “Sorry…”
Osamu pulled his hand away, expression softening. The concern being shined on her made her stomach churn, made her feel sick with guilt. Another person she was hurting. Another person being affected just by her presence. This wasn’t fair to them. It was so unfair.
There was no way to burden them with her fears. She could handle this much alone, at least. She could do that for her friends.
Chika smiled, doing her best to make sure it met her eyes. “I’ll try to get some really good rest tonight.”
“Please do.”
Yuma glanced to Osamu, and then eased up as well. He leaned back, folding his arms behind his head. “Wanna have a sleepover, then? Sometimes it’s easier to fall asleep with friends.”
“No!” She hadn’t meant for it to come out so fast, so loud. But she couldn’t stop thinking of the way she woke up, and they were the last people she ever wanted to see her like that. She didn’t want to worry them more. “No, sorry. That’s very kind, Yuma, but–”
“You don’t have sleepovers with girls,” Osamu said instead.
“Why? We’re friends. I’ve slept over with plenty of girls back home.”
“It’s just–that’s not how it works here.”
Chika nodded, holding a hand to her chest and pleading with her heart to be still. “My parents would never say yes. They’re pretty old-fashioned.”
Yuma rocked back on his heels, looking up at the ceiling in thought. Chika caught herself holding her breath and let it go.
“Hmm. I guess that makes sense, then. Japan is different. I’ll remember that.”
□
When she opened her eyes again, she was under a foreign sky. She didn’t recognize any of her surroundings, but she knew where she was, anyway.
Aftokrator.
The weight of her Egret was comforting, made her feel safe even though she was alone. There weren’t people anywhere–Neighbors or otherwise. Turning to observe, she noticed she couldn’t see the ship anywhere, either. She must have been separated from everyone.
“Osamu?” she asked hesitantly into her comms. “Are you there?”
Not even a crackle of static broke the radio silence.
“Yuma? Hyuse?”
Maybe they were at Hyuse’s house. Maybe they were about to leave. Everything was okay. Everything was fine. Everyone would be waiting for her back on the ship. Everyone .
“Shiori?” she asked as she took another step. Maybe comms were just down. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. They’d been warned of it, even. But if she just kept walking, it’d be okay.
It’d be okay.
It’d be okay.
She heard a twig snap behind her and froze, afraid to look. But she knew she had to. Immediately she dismissed her rifle, throwing up a full shield in its place as she whipped around to face her observer.
Instead, she found nothing but empty space. The yawning sprawl of deserted land. Somehow, that was almost worse.
Still, she dropped her shield and pressed on. She had to find her team. She had to find them. Had to help them. Protect them. Do something .
As she stepped forward again, her foot collided with something solid. Looking down, the ground below suddenly fell away to reveal dark red bricks that shot out around her until they swallowed her whole. Transporting her.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew this wasn’t natural. But for some reason, it made sense to travel like this.
Looking around at the new surroundings, she recognized it as a prison cell. Her trigger was gone, and she was standing alone in a dimly lit room. Except, she wasn’t the one in the cell. She was on the outside, a warden. Guarding.
In front of her, someone sobbed. A huddled mass in the corner, obscured by shadows and iron bars and the scarce furniture they folded themselves behind.
Her gut twisted with familiarity.
“Please,” they rasped. “Please…my sister…”
Chika stumbled forward, pressing herself to the bars, reaching through. “Rinji!? Rinji, I…I came to–it’s me, Rinji! Rinji, you’re safe! I’m here!”
She was crying now, too, willing herself to phase through the bars just to hold him. Her arms were too short. He was too far. She couldn’t reach him. She couldn’t save him. Not like this.
“Chi...ka?”
She nodded, blubbering. Her face was hot. It was hard to see.
“I’m here for you,” she sobbed. “To save you.”
“ Save me?” His voice was so loud now. Echoed in her ears. Pulsed behind her eyes. It was all she could feel as he stood, body tense. Faceless in the shadows. “ Save me!?”
"This is all because of you , how are you going to save me!? "
Waking was less jarring this time. She was still laying in bed when her eyes flew open, bringing her back. Her breath caught in her throat and her face was soaked with tears, but she was awake. No red brick anywhere.
No Rinji.
Chika wiped her face on her arms before sitting up slowly, groping around in the darkened room for her phone. Her fingers moved on autopilot once it was in her hands, having done this so many times that she didn’t even need to look.
For just a moment, just a moment, just–
“Oh, Chika?” The sound of her brother’s voice immediately flooded her with relief. It was calm, despite the movement around him. The station. No hint of the anger from the prison cell that was still filling her with guilt despite being so far away.
“Sorry I’m running late. I got caught up with some, ah, some friends. We were really digging into a tough problem we’ve been working on and (“ Shit, sorry ,” he said to someone off the phone as a muffled response came through as well) and anyway, I’m on my way now. The train’ll be here in about five minutes, so see you in fifteen? Sorry you have a shit big brother. I’ll buy you a treat when I get there to make up for it, but you have to promise you won’t tell mom that I fed you sweets before dinner. Hang tight, okay? Oh, and answer your phone next time! I hate leaving voicemails, they’re so tacky. But, uh, see you soon, kiddo.”
Her face was wetter than before when the voicemail options began to play, the automated voice nearly breaking the illusion.
She missed him. She missed him so much . If she had been different, if she had been stronger, if she had been anyone but her , then maybe Rinji would still be here. He wouldn’t have taken it upon himself to try to protect her.
He wouldn’t have left her.
“Oh, Chika? Sorry I’m running late.”
□
“Dang, Chikako. You look like crap .” Izuho furrowed her brow, giving Chika a once-over before nodding in agreement with herself. “Yup. Definitely look like crap.”
Yuzuru glowered at her from across the table, but Izuho only rolled her eyes under the steely glare.
“I’m sorry,” Chika offered for lack of anything else to really say.
“Don’t apologize,” Yuzuru said as he turned to face her again, face softening into a more neutral expression. Izuho nodded in agreement, leaning her weight on Chika’s shoulder beside her. “Is something bothering you, Amatori? Or someone?”
He leaned closer, voice lowering a bit so as not to be overheard. “Was it because of the last match? With Tsuji?”
She shook her head, and could see him visibly relax. “No, nothing like that! I just…I was up late working on some homework. I’m not very good at, um, at the grammar sentences we were assigned, so it took me a while. I’ll try harder to get better at it.”
“Oh? I…I’m kind of okay at grammar drills. I could tutor you if you’d like.”
Izuho laughed, pointing at him. “You? Your grades are worse than mine! Hikarin told me so. Chikako’s the smartest of us, so if anything, she should be tutoring you . Besides, we go to totally different schools, so I bet yours are way, way different and no good.”
Yuzuru’s face was bright red, and Chika immediately felt guilty for having caused him trouble. Even if Izuho’s ribbing was in good nature, she didn’t want to be the source of any discomfort for her friend or fuel any comments for Izuho to sling his way.
“I don’t mind studying together even if they are different. Sometimes the best way to learn is by teaching someone else, so let’s work hard together! It’ll be fun, right Yuzuru?”
He nodded, face still burning. Izuho leaned across the table and said something else, laughing at whatever it was while Yuzuru sniped back. It was hard for her to focus, to stay engaged, as the mall dropped away around them.
All Chika could see were flashing red lights and cold steel rushing back up to greet her.
□
“--tori? Can you hear me? Amatori!”
Yuzuru’s face was inches from hers when her eyes finally fluttered open. His long hair was brushing against her skin in the lightest touches and it was making her nose itch and her skin tickle. Distantly, she registered the strong grip of his hands cupped under the back of her head.
“Yu…Yuzuru?”
The sigh of relief that came from him was hot against her face. She tried to decide what it smelled like, but smelled nothing. He pulled her into a hug, burying her face into his neck, and she couldn’t smell anything there, either. This must be a trion body.
“You scared us. I’m so glad you’re safe.”
Her stomach hurt.
Slowly, Chika let her eyes move about what she could see of the room through the dirty blond curtain in her way.
All sharp lines and metal. Red lights flashing in slow strobes. A warning siren came into focus, a steady sound under Yuzuru’s panicked speech. She hadn’t meant to stop listening. It was hard to concentrate. Her body felt heavy, but it was nice in his arms.
“--okay? Hey, are you okay?”
He held her at length now, so that he could look into her eyes again. She gave a slow nod.
He didn’t buy it.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to protect you, Amatori. I know there’s not much I can do up close, but–but I wanted to be here for you.”
She opened her mouth to console him, to say any words that would ease the hurt in his voice. But nothing came out. Her throat felt like sandpaper and all she could croak out was a crackling gurgle. Her mouth tasted like iron.
“It’s okay. I–you don’t have to say anything.”
Yuzuru pulled her back into that strong embrace, and Chika allowed herself to relax. It was okay. He was safe. At least one of her friends was safe.
“ Yuck . That’s so gross ,” another voice said suddenly. As if coming out of nowhere but from everywhere all at once. Behind them, she could see the black-horned neighbor from before stalking towards them.
“And soooo unfair. I get stuck here and you get to have a cute little boyfriend? I hate that. I hate that. Let’s fix it.”
No. No no no. Not now. Not here. No .
“I’ll protect you, Chika,” Yuzuru whispered in her ear.
“Dis gusting ,” the Neighbor laughed.
And then a piercing pain ripped through her gut, wrenching a stuttered gasp from both of them. Wetness on her back and on her front. The tight grip relaxed. She felt herself pinned under an unmoving weight.
There was no bailout.
When she woke up, Chika realized she’d been slumped onto Izuho’s shoulder, still at the table where they had lunch in the mall. She blinked away tears and curled further into the other girl’s arm, rubbing at her face so that she didn’t have to look him in the eyes.
“Chikako?” Izuho’s voice was soft, like the hand she put on Chika’s shoulder and moved in soothing circles. “Everything okay?”
“I’m so sorry I fell asleep,” she choked out instead of answering the actual question. “I think I’m more tired than I thought.”
“It’s okay,” her friend said through quiet shushes. “It’s okay, don’t apologize.”
Yuzuru was silent. The sudden fear that something had happened made Chika sit bolt upright, twisting to face him. It was useless–Yuzuru was gone. There was only empty space where he’d been before.
“Izuho, where–”
“Getting you water.” She hugged her closer when she felt Chika relax at that. “He’ll be right back, don’t worry.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I’m so sorry.”
Izuho just squeezed her.
When Yuzuru returned and silently offered her a cup, Chika was calm again. Eyes red, but dry. She accepted the drink with a soft ‘thank you’ and Yuzuru nodded back.
None of them talked about what happened.
□
It was uncomfortable when she found herself alone at the base with Hyuse. Not that he made her uncomfortable. In fact, she usually enjoyed his company for what it was. But right now, he was just sitting on the couch and staring at her.
Chika shuffled under the intense gaze, wringing her hands together and looking down at her lap. Waiting for him to say something. Anything . Break the silence.
“Um…so, do you know when everyone else will be back?”
No answer. She was afraid to look up because she could still feel his eyes on her.
“Do…are you having fun here?”
Hyuse still didn’t say anything.
“I think I heard Osamu say they’re making stir-fry tonight. Have you had his cooking before? Do you like it?”
Finally, finally, she dared to try to meet his gaze. She thought maybe he’d look angry, or upset, or somehow different. But, staring back was the usual Hyuse. Unreadable. She didn’t understand him.
“Hyuse…I don’t like that you’re just staring at me,” she whispered.
“I wasn’t trying to be rude.” He looked away, just for a second, to break the hold. But he still looked back just as quickly. “I was waiting for you to tell me what’s wrong. I assumed you could tell by my face.”
“What?”
“I’m not going to push you the way everyone else does. Say it or don’t. I was just waiting to give you the chance.”
She thought on this for a moment, chewing on the words before scooting a little bit closer. Hyuse didn’t move–probably because he was still in a separate seat. They weren’t that close, after all.
“I…I think I’m just worried. About the away mission.”
“Makes sense. You’re going regardless.”
She nodded. “What if it goes poorly? What if someone gets hurt?”
“A necessary risk.”
She shifted, wringing her hands more. They were starting to hurt from the friction. “What if…what if we…I mean, um, what if we don’t all make it back?”
Hyuse shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t need to say what he was thinking. The weight of it was enough for them to both know without words.
“I’m not coming back,” he said when she still hadn’t responded.
“I know… We’re taking you home. That’s different.”
“It’s not different. No matter what, you’ll return to Meeden without me. Not everyone will come back. That’s just how these things work. I didn’t make it back home with everyone else when I came here, nor did Enedora.”
“That’s still different, though. You–the others–”
He held up a hand to stop her sentence there. “I’m telling you that it’s not different at all. Hyrein’s team went home missing two people, whether they had planned to or not. A teammate being left behind or otherwise not making it home. You or somebody else dying on this mission. Those are all things you need to accept now , while they’re still just a possibility and not a reality.”
Chika shifted uncomfortably. She knew he was right. But she still didn’t like it. And–maybe what she was more worried about wasn’t not bringing everyone back. Maybe it was the people they’d find. If they’d find them…the condition they’d find them in…
If her dreams…
“You can be strong, Chika.”
She squeaked, looking up at Hyuse and searching his face for more of an explanation. Maybe a joke, even though he wasn’t the joking type. He was staring back just as coolly as before. Expressionless. Serious.
“You’ll act when you need to. To protect people. You saved Osamu in that final match, didn’t you? You’ll do that again. That’s who you are.”
“I did that because you–”
“No you didn’t. You pulled the trigger before I said anything. You’d already made up your mind. Don’t accept such obvious lies from yourself or you’ll make them come true.”
She bit her lip, nodding her head and staring back down at her hands. She had done that. It was–not quite instinctual, but more like muscle memory. She had known what needed to be done and she did it. To save her friend. For her friend.
“You’ll make the right choice,” Hyuse said in a softer voice than she’d heard him use before. “Even if you lose people. It won’t be because you didn’t try.”
She wanted to thank him. To say something, anything that could properly convey the depth of gratitude she was feeling in this moment.
"Don't expect me to say those things again. I'm not in the habit of repeating myself, so do your best to remember it yourself."
He stood and left before she could find her voice.
□
It was the sound of morning birds chirping outside of her window that woke her up. Not a nightmare or an alarm. Soft rays of sunlight filtered in, bathing her in their glow and their warmth. For a moment, Chika thought of going back to sleep. It was comfortable here.
But it was the feeling of something being slightly off that made her actually get up. Her room felt different somehow, though she couldn’t quite place a finger on it. Everything was in its usual place, her belongings tucked away neatly. Her photos were on the bookshelf where they belonged, the smiling faces of her family and friends greeting her fondly.
Her and Rinji, at his graduation. His diploma in one hand and her in the other.
Aoba’s gap-toothed grin, a frog cradled in her hands. Chika crouched next to her, net clutched tightly and little face scrunched curiously.
The two of them on their first day of middle school, matching uniforms and stiff poses. Her mother having told them to be serious, as the first few had been too blurry, too goofy, too fun.
Photobooth photos throughout the years, a steady documentation of their growth and changing tastes.
She felt like there might have been other photos missing, ones she couldn’t quite place with people she didn’t quite remember. Gaps in her memory and on her dresser that felt like TV static.
But, there would be time to think of that later.
It was soothing, seeing everything else where it should be. Most of the unease dissipated. Maybe it had just been a bad dream? Something in the back of her mind left over from when she was asleep?
A sudden rapping on her door startled her. She jumped with a squeak, clapping her hands over her mouth.
“Hey, Chika! Are you really going to sleep all day?”
Rinji?
The sound of her brother’s voice made her heart hammer in her chest, for a reason she couldn't quite place. She missed him? He hadn’t been gone. Had he? She felt distinctly like he shouldn’t be here. That she’d open the door and find a ghost, or worse.
That she’d open the door and there’d be no one there at all.
“S-Sorry,” Chika called out instead, stumbling to the door and throwing it wide to see her brother right where he should be. Leaning against the wall beside her room, staring idly at his phone until he lifted his eyes to meet hers. He quirked an eyebrow.
“ Cripes . What’s with the face?”
She shook her head, throwing her arms around her brother in the tightest hug she could manage. It took him by surprise, almost as much as it did her, but he returned it without hesitation.
“Hey. Did you miss me that much?”
Chika nodded, burrowing further into the warmth of his hug. Committing it to memory. She didn’t want to forget. In case he left again.
“It was just a weekend trip,” Rinji teased as he ruffled her hair. “You can’t handle two days without me? What are you going to do when I move out for real?”
Two days? Oh, right. That’s where he’d been. That’s why she missed him. Only two days. Only .
“I had a bad dream, I think,” she mumbled into his shirt. “So I’m just really happy you’re here.”
Her older brother clicked his tongue, pulling her closer and running his hand gently through her hair. “It’s okay, kiddo. I’ve got you. You don’t have to worry, okay?”
Fat tears continued to roll down her cheeks despite his reassurances. Chika did her best to nod, to burrow further into her brother in an attempt to latch on and make sure he could never leave her behind again. Even for two days, which had felt more like months if she was being honest.
“I’ll always be right here.”
It was the sound of morning birds chirping outside of her window that woke her up. Shrill and loud, singing songs that were hard to enjoy this early. The sun had barely come up, her room still dark and cool. Still, it was as she remembered. How it should be. The same faces of her friends and family, staring at her from atop her bookshelf, clouded in the dim light of dawn.
The photo of her and Rinji at his graduation.
The photo her mother had taken of her next her father, nervously holding up her official enlistment letter for Border.
A single strip of photos that she and Izuho had taken on one of the few times she had been dragged from Osamu’s hospital room. A small moment of respite from the constant anxiety of him maybe never waking up again because of her .
The photo of her and Osamu and Yuma in their squad uniforms, which Shiori had insisted on taking as soon as they were ready. The similar photo beside it, Hyuse having joined them reluctantly–also at Shiori’s insistence.
Her face was wet with tears, but she felt warm. Like being held in a tight embrace, of someone never letting go.
Despite that and all the memories, the room still felt emptier than usual.
□
“Did you sleep any better last night?”
Yuma was leaning down over her, one arm against the roof fencing to keep himself balanced, the other dancing against his hip. Sometimes it was hard to keep him still if he finished eating before them.
“I did, thanks.” She smiled back pleasantly. It wasn’t technically a lie.
“Good, good. You look better.” Yuma nodded his approval, straightening up to instead pace around Osamu.
“Thank you, Yuma.” She smiled harder, determined to make it real, and then turned back to the rice she was picking at.
Their lunch was quieter than usual. Izuho was sitting beside her with her knees to her chest (and Osamu’s blazer over her legs after she had loudly declared she didn’t care how she sat in a skirt), tapping idly on her phone. Osamu himself was pushing the remnants of a croquette around his lunch box, deep in thought.
Yuma, having satisfied his questions, had taken to now leaning over Osamu’s shoulder and poking at his food, as well.
No one was really saying anything. Not to her, at least. She could hear the faintest whisper of the boys’ voices, see their lips moving when they thought she wasn’t looking. She could hear the convenient buzz of Osamu’s phone every time Izuho stopped tapping, and see the look on his face when he checked the contents.
Chika’s stomach twisted. This was the opposite of what she wanted. She didn’t want them to be worried about her. She wanted to worry about them . She wanted to be the one protecting them . If she pretended this all wasn’t happening, she could pretend that maybe she still was.
“Hey, Chika,” Osamu said at last. When she looked up, she could see that both he and Yuma were staring at her now. She was sure that Izuho was too, from the way the hair on the back of her neck was starting to stand up.
“Let’s have a sleepover. The five of us. I think your parents will be okay with it if Natsume comes too, and if it’s at my home with my mom there. They all know each other, and your parents know me.”
She gasped, fumbling her chopsticks in shock. If Osamu was the one asking this time, she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to weasel out of it as easily as she had before.
“I…I don’t know. I think that maybe my parents would still–”
Izuho put her hand on her shoulder, making Chika look at her now, instead.
“It’s totally cool, Chikako. Four-eyes already asked both of your guys’s parents. So did I, by the way. My mom’s super okay with it. She said it’ll be lots of fun. Like a school trip, or something.”
“O-Oh. I see.”
“Is that a yes?”
Chika bit her lip. “Um…five?”
Yuma nodded, throwing his thumb over his shoulder in the general direction of their office. “Hyuse.”
“Oh, well–I don’t–wouldn’t Hyuse–”
“He said yes already.” Yuma smiled easily, straightening up and folding his arms behind his head. “He’s worried about you, too. You know. In his own special Hyuse way.”
“I see.”
“And he probably wants to get away from the branch office, too. He’s never slept anywhere else since coming here.”
She shifted, uncomfortable with all of the attention. With all of the trouble she was causing. It was her job, her responsibility, to make herself as useful as possible. To protect her friends. To not have to make anyone worry for her or protect her again. To not lose anyone else.
Osamu noticed, and placed a hand on her other shoulder. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
Izuho wrapped her arms around her, placing her chin on Chika’s shoulder and giving a little wiggle that shook them both. “No way! He does not speak for me, Chikako. I’m getting a sleepover either way, so it can be just us at your place or all of us at Four-Eyes’s.”
“If, um, if you’ve all already gone through the trouble, then I guess it’ll be okay.”
Chika smiled again, desperate to make it meet her eyes. If she said yes, if she went along, then they’d be happy. They wouldn’t worry.
She could do that much for her friends, at least.
□
Chika briefly considered using an excuse to cancel, to avoid having to deal with a full night of constant attention and concern.
But she knew the way her friends were, and that if she didn't get this over with now that it would just come up again later.
"Thank you for having us," she said to Osamu's mother when she had let both her and Izuho in.
"Oh dang. You're pretty ." Izuho had said instead.
"What a charming young lady you are. Thank you both for coming," was all Mrs. Mikumo had to offer in reply.
The other two were already here, settled around a small table when the girls entered Osamu's room. Hyuse regarded her coolly, Yuma throwing his hand up in a wave.
"Yo, you made it. Osamu is getting us snacks."
Izuho was looking around incredulously, lifting the corners of his blanket and peeking under the bed and opening drawers and closets.
"Huh. Four-eyes's room is way neater than I thought it'd be. I was hoping he was like, secretly messy or something. Or would have super embarrassing secrets somewhere , you know?"
Yuma laughed, waving away Izuho's comment. "No, no. He just stays up late and reads too much."
The door opened, and the white-haired neighbor flashed a grin at the Osamu behind it. "Other than that, Osamu is a good boy."
Chika nodded in agreement, setting her bag down in the corner and out of the way. Izuho followed her example, making a sound somewhere between disbelief and reluctant acceptance as she tossed her things aside too.
"Kuga, please don't tell them anything weird," Osamu said as he joined them at the table, a tray of waters and chips balanced in his hands.
"You got it, captain."
"We already knew that, anyway. Osamu is bad at getting sleep when he gets his brain stuck on something." Chika smiled at him pleasantly, delighting in the small smile she got back as she joined the boys at the table, as well.
That wasn't a worried look. Everything would be fine. Things were okay.
She wasn't causing anyone else problems.
Izuho squeezed next to her, wiggling into place until she was practically sitting in her lap. The closeness was nice. Comforting.
"So, Chika--"
She grabbed a glass, if only to have something in her hands and blocking her mouth. To give her time to think over an answer for whatever Osamu was about to say.
"This is an intervention," Izuho said before he could finish his sentence. She leaned hard against Chika as she spoke, bumping her with her shoulders and making her drink spill over the lip of her cup and down the wrong pipe of her throat.
Chika coughed. Izuho panicked.
"Aw, shoot! Sorry, sorry."
Chika gulped down air when she could, burning under the worried stares of the other three and the effort to just breathe .
"It's okay," she finally said once she could breathe again. "I should have been more careful, sorry."
Hyuse scoffed. "That was clearly Izuho's fault. Why should you be sorry?"
"Oh, well--"
"No, no. He's right. My bad, Chikako." Izuho wrapped her arms around her in a loose hug, ignoring the wet stains on her sweater or the small puddle on the table.
It was Osamu who leaned over and wiped it up when it was clear Izuho wasn't making any moves to do so herself, or to release Chika who was staring at it and squirming with the desire to fix it for her.
"Natsume told us about what happened the other day. We're worried about you," he said as he cleaned. As if that wasn't a sudden twist of the knife. "We just want to make sure you're okay."
She wrung her hands in her lap, shifting anxiously under the weight of all eight eyes focused on her.
"I'm okay," she tried hesitantly. Afraid to meet Yuuma's stare. Knowing he'd call her out, because he was a kind friend and he was merciless.
On cue, she could hear the disappointed "Chika" from across the table where he was seated.
Rather than look to him or Osamu, she cast her gaze to Hyuse, as if he might throw her a lifeline from their earlier conversations.
Blank blue eyes were all she found. He had already told her then that he wouldn't push. Clearly he wasn't going to help, either.
"It's just, um...I've been having bad dreams."
Hyuse gave a small nod, and Chika could feel her whole body shake. She wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry. They were already worried enough.
"The closer we get to the away mission, I think the more worried I am about...about what might happen. Or what we'll find." What they might not find.
"Oh, is that it?"
Her attention snapped to Yuma and his blasé response so quickly she thought she might get whiplash. Honestly, of all the reactions she had expected, immediate dismissal wasn't one of them.
"You don't have anything to worry about, Chika. We'll definitely protect you. And everyone else, too. It may be difficult and there may be some unpleasant things, but we'll protect you. We're your friends."
'But who will protect you!?' she wanted to scream. She wanted to shake him, all of them, and tell them that's exactly what she was worried about. If they were protecting her, if she was stuck in the ship, who was going to keep them safe? Who was going to help them if anything went wrong?
Chika squeezed her eyes shut, clenching her hands together so tightly that she could feel the skin turn white.
'Don't protect me. Don't get hurt. Please be safe.'
She let out a slow breath. She opened her eyes and smiled. Her hands shook.
"Thank you, Yuma. I feel a little better now."
'Please don't die.'
□
"I guess this is it, huh?"
She blinked slowly, turning to stare at Yuma. He was staring out into the distance, expression soft. With the way the setting sun cast red shadows across his fine white hair and pale skin, it was almost hard to notice the hairline fractures blooming across his face and hands.
"It can't be," she said back with great effort. Her tongue felt heavy. Everything felt like she was swimming in syrup.
Yuma smiled, but didn't turn to face her. He just kept staring, eyes unfocused yet fixed on the horizon.
"Please don't leave."
"It's not goodbye, Chika. Just a see you later. We'll all be waiting, right? See?"
He raised a hand, pointing down the hill they were seated on. Silky yellow grass gave way to a rocky beach, little pebbles that faded into waves that crashed lazily to shore. The rest of her friends were standing in the surf, water lapping at their heels.
She could see Osamu's hand lift in a wave. A small smile pull at the corners of Hyuse's lips. She could see Shiori cup her hands around her mouth and call out, but her voice was lost on the wind that kicked up and died down just as quickly. Her brother. Aoba. Yuzuru.
She wanted to be on that beach with them. She wanted to go so badly, to be close. Chika made a move to stand up, so that she could run down and join them.
"Don't," Yuma said softly beside her, making her freeze in place. "You can't come."
"Why… why? I want to go with everyone. I want--I want to--"
He didn't give an answer. He just looked at her-- finally looked at her--and smiled. The look alone was enough to make her heart break, to leave her feeling empty. To give her an answer she didn't want to acknowledge.
"It was lots of fun, right? We'll have fun again, soon."
Chika nodded, blinking away tears as Yuma reached to take her hand in his.
She closed her eyes and waited. Waited to feel the touch, skin on skin, the weight of being and existing and living .
Waited even after the wind howled again and she opened her eyes just in time to watch as he disappeared in the breeze.
Waited as the grassy hill and placid beach and fading sunset fell away around her, giving way to a battered metal ship and piled debris and the broken bodies of her friends.
Waited even though she was alone.
Chika didn't jump when she woke up this time. Instead, she just stared at the ceiling and let the tears flow freely.
Izuho was snoring beside her, pressed as close as possible while still being in her own futon.
Osamu shifted in his bed, turning under the covers and rustling the blanket with the fitful movement. Yuma sighed in response, lost somewhere between the other teen and the wall, the comforter piled fully on top of him.
She could see Hyuse to her other side, catching the faintest glint of light off his horns out of the corner of her eyes. His chest rose and fell slowly, face hidden away in his arms.
She waited for the tears to end, trying to find comfort in knowing that everyone around her was safe.
Alive.
Everything was okay. The tears will stop, any moment.
Then again, maybe they never would.
□
Sometimes, it felt like she could only be sad when she was alone. With everyone else, there was too much pressure. Too much expectation to be okay, to be happy, to be present, to be good .
In the back of her mind, she knew the only one putting those expectations on her was herself. But, even if it felt like it could crush her sometimes, the thought of disappointing her friends and making them worry felt worse.
But, whether through running herself ragged with stress or just pure bad luck, Chika was more opposed to passing along the cold she'd come down with to her friends.
So, on days like this, it was easier to allow herself the space to stay in bed and wallow.
'So sorry,' she sent along to their group chat as the clock ticked ever closer to their agreed upon meeting time. ‘I’m feeling a little under the weather. I don’t think I can make it today.’
Immediately, she turned her phone off and placed it face down on the nightstand before crawling back under the covers. She didn’t want to see any responses, she didn’t want to feel guilty. She just wanted to sleep and to not dream and to feel better and to stop causing so many problems for the people around her.
Chika burrowed under the heavy weight of her blankets, making a nest for herself where she could feel as safe as possible and allow herself to feel sad. She wasn’t sure how long she stayed like that, lost somewhere between awake and dreaming. Floating, almost as if in a haze.
She almost didn’t hear the crack of the door. The soft thumping of heavy feet on the floor.
It was impossible to miss the feeling of a solid weight throwing itself onto her, someone’s arms wrapping loosely around her and her cocoon before rolling off to the side.
“Hey, I didn’t hear from you for like, 3 hours. Are you really sick?”
She poked her head out, coming almost nose to nose with the bright-eyed face of her best friend.
She blinked owlishly, and then burrowed back into the blankets.
Aoba laughed, pulling them off of her head. “Chika! You really are, huh? Poor thing.” Aoba’s hand brushed against her forehead, cool and a little damp. “Oh no, you're burning up! But, you know, I can’t tell if that’s a fever or if it’s because you’re basically just a giant pile of blankets.”
“I think I’m sick,” she finally replied. “I feel all fuzzy.”
It was hard to stop staring. Aoba was propped up on her elbows beside her, blue eyes dancing with concern and curiosity. She wore her hair differently now. Her face wasn’t as round. She looked more grown, where Chika suddenly felt very much like a child.
“Fuzzy fuzzy?” Aoba hummed, dropping onto the pillows and rolling onto her back. “Like, lovesick fuzzy or sick fuzzy?”
“Sick fuzzy. Like, confused, I guess.” Chika sat up a bit higher, and Aoba mirrored her movements. “When did you get back?”
“Get back from where?”
“From–from wherever it was you went. When…you know. Back then. When you went missing.”
“What kind of dreams are you having? ” Aoba snickered, flicking Chika in the forehead. Chika whimpered in response. “I didn’t go anywhere, dork. I never went 'missing', either. I’ve been here for like, ever. We were just hanging out after school yesterday .”
“Oh, right.”
Aoba rolled over her before hitting the ground with a light thump. “It’s probably the fever making you so weird. I’ll go get you some medicine, okay? Your mom keeps it in the bathroom, right?”
Chika gave a small nod, but rolled out of bed behind her. “I’ll go, too.”
“No way, you’re sick. Stay in bed and rest.”
She wrung her hands for a moment, trying to work up the courage to admit the fact that she was afraid to be alone. Afraid of losing Aoba again. Before she could speak, Aoba sighed in mock irritation and took one of Chika’s hands in her own.
“Alright, alright. Stop with the big eyes, Chika. Let’s go together.”
They tamped through her quiet house towards the bathroom, hand in hand, without much conversation. Aoba moved confidently, clearly familiar with the layout. Naturally, considering how much time they spent together.
“It’s under the sink, right?” Aoba asked, moving immediately after flipping on the light. She didn’t need Chika to answer, having found it on her own before her mouth could finish moving. “Got it! Here,” and she tossed it over her shoulder for Chika to catch.
Chika fumbled it, dropping it to the floor.
Aoba laughed as Chika crouched down to pick the box up, disappearing from view as her hair fell in a waterfall around her face. It was so quick, only a minute. Less than a minute. A fraction of a second, maybe.
But, when she looked back up, Aoba was gone.
It was just her alone, staring back at herself from the mirror.
Chika screwed her eyes shut, praying as hard as she could that when she opened them again, everything would go back to how it had just been.
It was the darkened ceiling of her bedroom that greeted her when she finally did dare to take a peek.
She couldn’t face the disappointment that washed over her.
She closed her eyes.
□
"Chika?"
She felt like her legs would give out. The only reason she could still stand was the hand on her shoulder, the arm around her waist, the solid weight of her friends leaning against her to keep her upright.
Her stomach lurched violently, her thoughts getting the better of her.
"Are you okay?" Osamu squeezed her shoulder as he spoke.
Yuuma tightened his grip as well, soft hair brushing against her face as he dipped his head closer. "Can you keep going?"
"She can keep going," Hyuse answered for her. He brushed past them, advancing just barely further ahead before turning to stare at them all over his shoulder. "Hurry up. We're almost there."
Chika nodded firmly, gently shaking herself from the boys' hold to follow behind.
"Hyuse is right. I'm okay, so let's keep going. They're waiting on us, right?"
She tried to smile, tried to look as calm as possible despite the way her heart was battering her ribs, threatening to break free if she'd let it.
Osamu and Yuma shared a look over her head, but nodded in agreement.
"Let us know if you need to stop," Osamu said in a tone that let her know he'd make that decision for her if needed. A tone that made her feel weak, like despite it all she still couldn't handle this. And even though she knew in her heart that Osamu didn't think of her that way, and even though she knew he would be too kind to ever say that, she couldn't help but feel like maybe that thought was right.
Even though she was here, even though everything they'd been working for was right in front of her , she still wasn't strong enough to get there on her own.
She wasn't enough.
Had never been enough.
She was just going to let everyone down, fail them.
Hurt them.
Lose them.
"There'll be a right turn coming up. Don't take it," Hyuse instructed from in front of their group. The sound of his voice was enough to pull her back, reorient her in the moment.
If she lost sight of it now, she really would get someone hurt.
"Hyuse sure knows a lot about this place," Yuma hummed. His voice was light, out of place in the dreary hallway.
"Of course I am. I've studied here."
"So this was where you went to school?" The question hung heavy in the air, and Chika realized she was the only one not on the same page.
"It's not a school," Yuma explained gently.
"Turn here," Hyuse interrupted as he hung a sharp right. Chika looked over her shoulder warily. Hadn't he said not to turn right?
"Hyuse," she started slowly. But, he knew best right? He'd studied here. "No, I'm sorry...nevermind."
All three of them stopped before her, and Chika stumbled as she stopped just as suddenly, desperate to not crash into any of them.
"If we're wrong, say we're wrong," they said. She couldn't tell who was speaking. Her heart hammered in her ears.
"What?"
"You don't want to make a mistake and get us killed, right?"
"No, I--"
"You don't want to lose us, right?"
"I don't…! I don't want that!"
"Not good enough." Her teammates flickered in front of her, shimmering like oil on water. Warping and twisting and then fading away. "Be better," they still whispered.
"Be better."
Chika woke at 6 AM that day. She promptly got dressed and brushed her teeth, and then went straight to HQ.
She spent all day in the training room.
She would practice more. Train harder.
She would be better.
□
The day was long. The sun was hot. She was tired.
But, so far, the mission had been an overall success. About 2/3rds of the missing C-Rank agents had been recovered, and a few people who had been missing since the first invasion. She didn't have many details but Shiori kept them updated over their comms, a subdued response every time another team reported in.
As it was, the four of them were headed now towards the last holdout, the last of those yet to be rescued.
Chika could feel the hope bubble up inside of her, light like it would carry her away on the wind.
She tried to keep it in check. It was too soon to be hopeful. Or, too hopeful. It had been a while. More than a while.
"Chika? Are you okay?"
Osamu reached for her shoulder and she flinched. A weird feeling of deja vu.
"Yes! I'm okay." She smiled, holding her arms up as if to flex her practically non-existent muscles to prove it.
Her friend smiled at her, the expression flickering subtly. She worried, and her own face fell.
"Osamu?"
"...I hope he's there," he replied softly.
She nodded adamantly, grabbing his arm in her hands.
"He will be. I know it." She squeezed, and he smiled. Stronger this time. She hoped it was real, that he wasn't trying to be brave for her the sake the way she was doing for him. She also knew him well enough to know that hope was misplaced.
"It's--it's um, a sister's intuition."
Yuma grinned easily, casting his attention to the two of them. "Not your side effect?"
"Mine isn't as helpful as Jin's that way."
"It's helpful in a different way. You'll be a power elite one day, too."
Hyuse paused, hand on his trigger. Chika placed her hand on his back, to brace herself as she almost stepped directly into him.
"Hyuse." Osamu's voice was soft, a question despite the intonation.
"This is as far as I'll take you. The rest is up to you."
The air was heavy, confusion settling over them and stealing the air from in-between them even though they were outdoors.
"It means I'm not going with you, in case that wasn't clear."
"No, it was." Osamu looked to Yuma, the two of them coming to the same conclusion. Chika hadn't made it that far yet. She could only think about how sudden this was.
That she didn't want to lose any of her friends, no matter the reason.
"I won't stop you," he added in a softer voice. "I know that wasn't discussed in our original agreement, but. It feels like a necessary addendum."
"Thanks, Hyuse." Yuma turned to look at the building before them, a nondescript home that sprawled across neatly manicured grounds. Clothes swung in the breeze, hanging from line upon line that dotted the back of the house like a strange sort of spider web.
"This is it, then?"
"Yes."
Chika furrowed her brow, begging the tears not to come. "This is it?" she repeated.
"I told you before. I'd only accompany you to get back home." Hyuse glanced towards the house before them, and then dismissed his trigger. Without turning to face them, he held it out behind his back for someone to take.
It was Osamu who stepped forward. As their captain. And because her legs felt welded to the ground.
"What if…what if you change your mind?"
"Then I trust you'll keep that safe for me. We worked hard on it, so it'd be stupid to let it go to waste."
"Naturally. Our number two ace'll need a trigger when he comes home" Yuma said, as if Hyuse was only leaving for a weekend.
"Don't be stupid," Hyuse huffed back. "I'm only number two because I joined for the last few matches. Don't be cocky."
"You, too. I'm only going to get better the longer you wait to come play with us again."
The silence hit again, but was much shorter. It was Hyuse again who broke it.
"You should hurry and go. We're wasting time."
Osamu nodded in agreement, pocketing the trigger and placing his hand on Hyuse's shoulder. A silent goodbye.
That's not how it's supposed to be.
Chika tightened her grip, digging her fingers into the fabric of his jersey and burying her face against him. "I'll miss you," she warbled.
She felt his back tense, and then relax. As much of a response as she'd get.
Yuma joined them, pulling all four into a tight embrace.
And then it was over.
They were done.
"It'll be okay," Hyuse said evenly as they peeled away. As Chika finally untangled herself from him, as Osamu and Yuma led her even a step away.
"This one will be easy. I'll wait until you all leave to make sure no one gives you trouble."
"Right. Thank you, Hyuse."
Osamu stepped forward again, and Chika felt herself pulled along with him.
"Don't take too long," Yuma called over their shoulders.
Another step. Two steps.
In the time it took her to fully turn, to really face him and say her goodbye, they were outside the house's door. Hyuse was gone, faded with the distance.
The door opened easily, standing unlocked and providing no resistance as they let themselves in.
The house itself was quiet, though sounds of life could still be heard. The shuffle of feet in the distance, the creak of floorboards overhead.
Muffled voices.
It felt so different from everything they heard Aftokrator would be like. From the world she imagined. The house smelt like warm bread and olive oil. It felt homey. A real home.
If this is what Hyuse had to come back to, if this was the family he'd left behind, then maybe she could understand his decision just a little bit more.
"Let's stick together," Osamu half-whispered. Voice low as they planned. "If we find one person, we should find everyone."
"Gotcha."
Chika nodded. She was worried if she opened her mouth she might cry. She hadn't quite finished swallowing her feelings.
Yuma went first, Chika taking the rear with a hand clasped firmly in Osamu's. Yuma would be ready to attack, just in case, while she and Osamu would focus on defense.
They would go room to room and question anyone they found who wasn't hostile.
Everyone would leave together.
Despite the smell, the kitchen was empty. There was nothing but the warmth of an abandoned oven.
Searching further rooms yielded similar results. Empty room after empty room after empty room. It felt almost as if the rooms stretched on forever, that they just followed endlessly one after the other.
Their guard was admittedly down when they opened the next door. Which was why they all jumped in surprise when they caught sight of a young brunette sitting on a narrow bed with a handful of similarly aged kids gathered around her and baskets of unfolded laundry at their sides.
It was one of the others who spoke, leaning to their feet and pointing.
"Border!"
They swarmed them, blubbering and hugging and pulling at their clothes. A handful of the C-Ranks, voices overlapping as they tried to explain what was happening and where everyone else was.
The girl on the bed didn't join them. She just sat and stared and stared and when Chika finally met her eyes she saw something click.
And it clicked for her too.
They didn't need any words, pulled into each other's arms before the thought could even finish forming.
Aoba. Aoba.
"You're safe," she sighed after a small eternity.
"You're here," Aoba replied. "I have something to show you."
The house seemed much smaller with their growing group. She still held Osamu's hand as they walked.
Now she held Aoba's, too. She didn't want to let go again.
"Through here," Aoba said as she gestured to a door.
Yuma and Osamu exchanged a look, but opened the door anyway.
On the other side sat what looked to be a makeshift classroom, the rest of the missing agents in a cluster around handwritten pages, a young woman mid-sentence as she explained whatever it was on the page they were reading.
"Oh!" She gasped, startled, and then squinted at their uniforms. Chika felt she looked familiar, but couldn't place the face.
"They're sending B-Ranks on away missions…?" She murmured absently. Whatever else she said was lost in the commotion as the remaining agents mobbed them as well. A growing gaggle of chatter and tears.
Even amongst the increasing din, it would have been impossible for her to miss the other voice in the room.
The nostalgic way it cracked with emotion.
The way it curled around her name.
"Chika…?"
Her brother rose from where he'd been hidden before, tucked away in a corner of the room with a pile of loose papers and half-filled books.
" Chika!"
She felt as if everything beyond that was a blur. She remembered seeing her brother, really seeing him, and dropping the hands she held. She remembered his arms around her, tight and familiar and everything she missed.
She remembered feeling a flood of relief and the weight of so much being lifted.
Chika remembered feeling like, for now, and maybe beyond, it would be okay.
Things would be okay.
And that suited her just fine.
The away ship was crowded, much more so than when they'd arrived, though she didn't remember leaving the house or walking the distance they'd crossed before. They were just here, as if they'd snapped their fingers or cast a spell. Everyone safe, accounted for.
Rather ...almost everyone .
The hole in her heart temporarily stoppered by the tight grip of Aoba's hand in hers, of Rinji's head on her and her arm wrapped around her shoulder. All three afraid to let go.
Yuzuru was across from her, positioned defensively in front of the infamous Hatohara was curled behind him with her head in her hands and a young boy--her brother, she assumed--at her side, protecting them even from the tearful ex-squadmates attempting to broach his lone wall.
"Chika," Yuma murmured, leaning so that his shoulder brushed hers. She turned slightly to follow his stare, Rinji lifting his head to allow the movement. She hadn't seen Osamu stand and leave them, but she also hadn't seen the latest arrival who boarded. Hood over his horns.
She felt the tears come for real this time, the dam bursting. She cried. Hard .
She cried for all of the lost time and all of the time yet to come. For the loss and the worry and the reunion and the relief. The feeling of being whole and good and that everything was exactly as it should be.
"I couldn't trust that my trigger was in safe hands after all," Hyuse said plainly as he joined their small group. "I've seen the way Tamakoma guards things."
She held her arm out, smiling wide. Hyuse fit himself into the too small space, the other two slotting themselves around him.
All of them. Safe. Together .
"Welcome home."
When she opened her eyes this time, they were dry. She didn’t feel as heavy, or as listless. The worry was there, yes, but it didn’t feel the same.
This was what she wanted, right? This is what she was hoping for? Despite everything that could go wrong, everything they could lose or could find, wasn’t this what she was working hard to make come true?
She missed her brother. She missed her friend. She’d do anything to get them back, no matter what.
She loved Osamu, she loved Yuma. She loved Hyuse, and Shiori, and Yuzuru, and everyone else who had met and helped her along the way. She would give anything to protect them--and anything to come back with them.
Chika patted her face gently, swinging her legs out of bed and glancing at her clock. She was going to have to leave soon if she wanted to make it on time. The test would be starting soon, and she wasn’t about to be late–for this or anything else.
She didn’t intend on letting anything else hold her back.