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"We are closing. Please see yourself out now." Sleepily, Kaeya raised his head as he heard the familiar words. He hadn't even noticed how he had fallen asleep at the bar. He tried to remember how much he had drunk tonight, but just couldn't get his thoughts sorted enough. Too much, once again, that was for sure.
As always, it pained him to meet the cold gaze of the man he had once called his sworn brother. Even after all these years, not a bit of the warmth he used to find there had returned to those eyes. At least not when he looked at him. No surprise really, Kaeya thought to himself. He was a mess. Maybe even a danger. No one who knew where he came from like Diluc did would have been able to love him. He couldn't even do it himself.
Khaenri'ah, his so-called 'homeland', was a cursed land. Nothing remained of the high culture of bygone days after the events of five hundred years ago, and the few sinners who had survived carried the curse of this nation with them to this very day. When he thought of the land of his early childhood, only images of poverty, misery and wasteland came to his mind. It was already far too late for the last hope of such a place that his father had once seen in him. Could anyone truly expect him to betray Mondstadt for such a vain dream? Anyway, he had already made his decision years ago when he had joined the Knights Of Favonius together with Diluc and had taken the oath to defend the City of Freedom with his life.
Still, there were always days like this one when Kaeya just felt insecure and forlorn, not knowing who he wanted to be and what his place was. Mondstadt and its inhabitants had welcomed him more warmly than he had ever dared to dream. He had found a family here, later even his love. Still, in all the happy years of his youth, the doubts in the back of his mind had never quite disappeared: Did someone like him even deserve such happiness? While he had not been able to choose with what intentions he had been sent here, keeping the secret for so many years had been his decision alone. And since the day he had revealed himself to Diluc, everything had only gotten much worse. He was now sure that he could not be loved for what he really was - after all, who could have if not even the person who had once been closest to him was capable of doing so? The consequence he had drawn from what had happened was the only logical one in his eyes: He had simply created a new self out of the ruins of his life that had remained after that cursed day. And even several years later, he could still pride himself on the fact that this version of himself worked brilliantly - at least on the outside. Many didn't trust his fake charm, but in the end he usually got exactly what he wanted with it. There was only one problem: the building of lies that he had constructed around himself since then was slowly threatening to crush him. It was all well and good that no one could guess who or what he really was - it was just too bad that he himself was increasingly unsure of it, too. And it felt even sadder to him that the person whose attention he still desired the most knew better than to give such a messed-up creature another chance to become part of his life.
"Luc?" he murmured, his voice unsteady even in his own ears and sluggish from the alcohol. " May I ask you a question?" He made the request to the other against his better judgement, actually expecting an immediate rebuff. Something in his voice, however, seemed to have caught the red-haired man's attention, for although he crossed his arms with an impatient sigh, Diluc replied: "Just one. Then you leave."
Kaeya stared at him in surprise. A permission was not what he had expected. He almost forgot his question, but finally managed to get it out: "Do you think I'm a monster?" In retrospect, he himself did not know where the question had suddenly come from and how he could muster the courage to ask the other man such a thing. What followed was a long, uncomfortable silence. It felt like minutes passed before Kaeya dared to lift his gaze and look the other in the eyes. What he saw there puzzled him. He would have expected Diluc to get angry or to dismiss the question as drunken nonsense, but there was something in his expression that Kaeya had not seen there for a long time: concern, perhaps even dismay. Silently, he looked at his former friend and waited for his answer.
"Why are you asking me something like that?" Diluc finally replied, visibly irritated. It almost made Kaeya back down as usual, dismiss the whole thing as a joke, but his lies stuck in his throat for once. "Because this is how it feels." he answered instead, painfully honest. Diluc remained silent, and Kaeya took it as encouragement to keep talking: "When I told you who I was back then, I did it because I thought you would understand. I had a silly hope that there would be at least one person who would accept me for who I am. But I was proven wrong. And look at me now. Everyone loves me for something I am not, for fake charm and smooth talk. Only the only one whose affection ever meant anything to me has loathed me since he knows the real me."
Since Kaeya was staring intensely into his empty glass to avoid Diluc's gaze and anything he might find in it, he only heard the other man move around the bar counter and come towards him. He expected to be thrown out - it wouldn't have been the first time - but instead he heard the barstool next to him move as Diluc joined him. It took Kaeya quite a while to realise that the man next to him was silent because he was waiting for him to look up. Uncertainly, he raised his head and met the other's gaze. He thought he saw consternation in the ruby eyes when Diluc finally began to speak: "I'm sorry, Kaeya." he began, and his words sounded sincere and more gentle than anything he had heard from the other's mouth in a long time. Then he faltered a little before finally continuing: "I'm not good with words, you know that... I hope you still understand what I want to say. But first, let's get one thing straight: You may be many things, a notorious liar perhaps, certainly an idiot, but you are not a monster. And don't you ever dare to hint to me again that you think you are one!" Kaeya stared at him perplexed, but Diluc wasn't done yet: "I know it's complicated between us, and I can't promise you that's going to change anytime soon either. What happened between us that day cannot simply be undone. But you know what would make it easier for me to finally trust you again? Hearing such truths - or what you think are truths - from your mouth for once, when you're not already hanging half-conscious over this bar! Maybe I'm an idiot, too, but I no longer know whether what comes out of your mouth are truths or lies. And what I detest is not your so-called 'true self', but your constant attempts to hide yourself from everyone. How can you claim to have told me everything so that you don't have to lie any more, when you have since made lying your second nature? I hardly recognise you anymore!"
By now Diluc had clearly talked himself into a rage, but Kaeya also felt anger rising up inside him: "How should I know what you want to hear from me? The last time I was honest with you, we went at each other with our swords, and now we are already arguing again. That's not what I want. I...just want you back!" As quickly as Kaeya's fury had come over him, it had fizzled out with that last truth. "I miss you." he added, quietly and sadly. Silence fell between them again.
Diluc also sounded much calmer again when he answered almost as quietly after a while: "I miss you, too. And I wish that things will get better between us again one day. But let's be honest: it will take time. And it will never be the way it used to be." He smiled sadly. Despite everything, the words sounded comforting to Kaeya's ears. "So you think that perhaps not all hope is lost?" he asked timidly. "If it was, I don't think we would have had such a conversation." Diluc replied earnestly, only to gently brush a stray strand of hair from Kaeya's face in the next moment, much as he had done so often in the past. The touch felt comfortingly familiar and alien at the same time after so many years of not being so close, emotionally or physically. "But now I'm really sending you home, you belong in bed. And the next time I only want to have such a conversation with your sober self." Diluc said almost tenderly, and for once Kaeya did not contradict him.