Chapter Text
Five
"Mu Qing?"
A small hand shyly rose among the rows of children chattering excitedly about the first day of school. The teacher spotted him, she smiled kindly but it did nothing to ease five year old Mu Qing's anxiety. "Make sure you say present, A-Qing." Mu Qing felt his face heat up in embarrassment when several heads turned in his direction. He quickly lowered his hand and crossed his arms on his desk, ducking his head down to hide his expression. The teacher said nothing else, turning her attention back to her list in order to finish the roll call.
It wasn't that Mu Qing was scared...he was excited to finally be in school, he'd been talking about it nonstop since his mother first took him shopping for school supplies. So no, Mu Qing wasn't scared , but he was reserved for a child his age, and this was only exacerbated in unknown environments. If his mom were here she'd be encouraging Mu Qing to make friends with a sweet smile and an offer of buying him an ice cream cone on the way back home. As it was, the only reason he had let go of his mom's hand calmly that morning when she'd walked him to the classroom, was because she promised to buy him his favorite food for dinner tonight if he was a good boy and did well in school. Good boys did not throw tantrums, no matter how nervous they felt to be in a new place, good boys stayed quiet and didn't run around. Mu Qing was a good boy-- the best boy.
" Sniffle. "
Mu Qing peeked over the edge of his arms when he heard the sad little sniffle. Two seats ahead of him on the row to his right there was a boy with dark silky hair rubbing at his face roughly. Mu Qing couldn't see his face but going by the way his shoulders were shaking and the little breathless noises he was making, Mu Qing could guess that he was crying. Mu Qing frowned, his head lifting a little as he realized that nobody was checking up on the obviously distressed boy.
"Alright kids!" The teacher said with a sudden clap, just barely managing to win back Mu Qing's attention. "We are going to play a game. I hid some snacks around the classroom, but there's only enough snacks for pairs of two to share. Understand?" Little heads nodded in understanding. Mu Qing's eyes traveled back to the crying boy, seeing that he wasn't paying attention to the woman at the front of the classroom. "Find the snacks and then pick a friend to share it with. You have to share, okay? One snack per person and you can only share with someone who doesn't have a snack. Any questions?" There was a loud chorus of no's and the teacher grinned widely. "Good! At the count of three…"
Mu Qing pursed his lips, he would find a snack, and he would give it to the crying boy. Mu Qing's mom always said that it was impossible to feel sad on a full stomach. His mind made up, Mu Qing sat straight, listening as his teacher counted down from three and launching himself from his seat with single minded determination once she reached the count of one. It was a mad scramble, tiny hands stretching for things far out of reach, little feet tripping over themselves as they tried to rush towards places that could be good hiding spots for snacks. Mu Qing was reserved, trying to stay far from the large crowds but once he spotted something orange peeking from behind a box of crayons he grinned victoriously. He rose on his tiptoes, his fingers just barely grazing the skin of the fruit. He did a little hop, and huffed in frustration when it made the clementine roll farther from him.
"Do you need help A-Qing?" A sweet voice said from behind him. Mu Qing turned to stare at the warm eyes of his teacher, immediately he stood straight crossing his arms behind his back. He nodded shyly and his teacher's smile widended. "What do you need?" Mu Qing pursed his lips and raised his arm, pointing with his finger sheepishly at the clementine. "Ah! This?" His teacher plucked the clementine from the shelf, easily offering it to Mu Qing. Gingerly Mu Qing grabbed the fruit from his teacher's outstretched hand, offering a wobbly little bow in thanks before turning towards the crying boy without a word.
He shuffled behind the boy unsure, he hadn't stood from his seat, and now that Mu Qing was close enough to see the curve of his plump pink cheeks he could see dried tear tracks. Mu Qing swallowed back his nerves and with a deep breath he placed the clementine on the boy's desk. Wide dark eyes hidden behind comically oversized glasses locked with Mu Qing's own and Mu Qing could see his own awkward reflection on the curve of the lens.
"Huh-" the boy's lips which had previously been in a quivering pout as if he was holding back more tears slackened, an expression of confusion taking over his face. Mu Qing bobbed his head at him awkwardly, glad that the kid didn't look like he was going to resume crying at any moment, before turning around and walking as fast as his little legs could carry him back to his seat. Mu Qing sat down quickly, hiding his face on his crossed arms. For a while there was nothing but the sound of the other kids looking around the classroom but then it was interrupted by a gentle poke to his shoulder- Mu Qing flinched in surprise.
"Sorry," a little voice said. Mu Qing raised his head halfway, blinking at the (no longer crying) boy. "I'm Xie- I mean...this- we're supposed to share, right?"
Mu Qing blinked owlishly, he hadn't expected the boy to search him out, he'd thought the boy would stop crying long enough to eat his snack and that would be it.
"Want some?" Xiesomething said, already peeling the skin off the clementine. Mu Qing didn't react even as the boy held out a slice of the fruit, juice staining his chubby fingers. The boy tilted his head at Mu Qing's lack of reaction, and then to Mu Qing's surprise he used his sticky hand to unfurl Mu Qing's fist and drop the fruit in his slack hand. The boy watched Mu Qing with big brown eyes as he shoved a bit of fruit in his own mouth. Mu Qing thought the boy looked expectant so he did the only thing he could think of- he quietly took a bite of his slice. The boy grinned brightly, and Mu Qing felt something warm settle in his chest: like when his mom clapped at him when he managed to ride his bike without training wheels, or when his dad ruffled his hair when Mu Qing dribbled his basketball more than three times in a row. Mu Qing didn't even realize his lips were curling into a shy smile in response until the kid smiled even wider, his eyes slitting into crescents.
"I'm Xie Lian! What's your name?"
Twelve
"Mu Qing!"
"No."
"Oh come on A-Qing, please?" Xie Lian pouted, Mu Qing thought he looked ridiculous.
"No," Mu Qing said resolutely. It had been a week since Xie Lian's parents had gifted him with a skateboard, and the entire time Xie Lian had been trying (and failing) to get Mu Qing to go to a skatepark with him. Mu Qing liked his head on his shoulders where it belonged, not banging against the pavement on a skatepark.
"Don't be boring! Please? It's my birthday." Xie Lian did that thing where he lowered his chin so that his eyes could be seen over the rim of his (still too large for his face) glasses. It normally didn't work but it especially didn't work now that he was sporting an impressive pimple right in the middle of his forehead like a unicorn horn. Mu Qing was more inclined to stare at the white head than Xie Lian's begging eyes.
"Your birthday was last week." Mu Qing was not easily swayed. He tried to reach around Xie Lian to unpause the game Xie Lian had so rudely interrupted by barging into his bedroom unannounced. Perhaps the fact that Xie Lian lived a ten minute bike ride (or well skateboard ride now) away from his house was less of a blessing and more of a curse in disguise at this rate. At first, it had made breaks from school less lonely to have his best friend live a bike ride away, now it was just plain annoying. Especially since Mu Qing's mom had the brilliant idea to give Xie Lian a copy of the key to the house 'for emergencies or in case Mu Qingie loses his own.'Now Xie Lian burst into Mu Qing's room with little care of what Mu Qing was doing, way too confident in his knowledge that he was Mu Qing's best (and frankly only) friend.
"But you didn't get to celebrate my birthday with me!" Xie Lian climbed on Mu Qing's lap like an oversized dog, managing to both block the tv and make Mu Qing accidentally drop the remote all at once.
"Xie Li-" Mu Qing's voice was muffled when Xie Lian threw all his weight on top of him, making him fall back on his bed, his cheek squished between his pillow and what he assumed was Xie Lian's elbow.
"Please, please, please?" Xie Lian punctuated every please by hopping on the bed, knocking the wind out of Mu Qing.
"Xie Lia-" Mu Qing shoved at Xie Lian, spluttering when he got a mouthful of greasy hair. "Xie Lian, yes I did! I gave you that birthday muffin."
"That was your muffin from the cafeteria and you only gave it to me because you don't like raisins!" Mu Qing couldn't deny that.
"Get off of me." Mu Qing groaned, bucking his hips to unseat his best friend. Xie Lian cackled, managing to get Mu Qing into a weird sideways chokehold.
"No," Xie Lian said, Mu Qing could hear the mischievous grin in his voice. "Not until you agree to come skating with me."
"I'll shatter your kneecaps."
"Come on, bestie, best friend, bff, bff4l," Xie Lian did not seem the least bit put off by Mu Qing's deadpan threat. Seven or so years of dealing with Mu Qing's increasingly disturbing threats dulled him to their power. "It's my new favorite pastime and I wanna share it with my all time favorite person!"
Mu Qing stopped struggling at that and Xie Lian switched from a side chokehold to a side hug. "Come on please, I'm literally begging here, come with me once, if you don't like it I'll never ask you to come with me to the skatepark ever again."
Mu Qing sighed, "you promise?"
"Pinky promise," Xie Lian said, smiling brightly and scooting far enough away from Mu Qing to offer his pinky. Mu Qing looked between the pinky and Xie Lian's smile dubiously, but in the end he was still soft for his best friend's wide crescent eyed smile. Nearly a decade of friendship and Mu Qing was still putty in Xie Lian's hands when he smiled like that.
"Fine."
Xie Lian whooped victoriously right in Mu Qing's ear.
Fourteen
The skatepark was crowded.
Mu Qing blew a bubble from his now tasteless chewing gum as his eyes tried to find his best friend. Xie Lian was easy to spot, a head of long brown hair in a sea of black cropped hair. His best friend had surprised him by showing up unannounced (as was his habit) with a bottle of 10 volume developer and a bag of powdered bleach. He'd asked, or more accurately, demanded that Mu Qing help him dye the back of his head because; "I can't see it and I don't want it to be blotchy. Come on, please Mu Qingie!" Obviously Mu Qing had given in, and right now on a hot summer day with half the teenage population of their shitty town in their skatepark Mu Qing was grateful-- Xie Lian stood out like a sore thumb. Or maybe it was just Mu Qing´s uncanny ability to spot his best friend no matter how crowded the room.
Mu Qing made his way over to Xie Lian calmly, his skateboard (which had once been Xie Lian's twelfth birthday present) tucked securely under his arm. "Xie Lian," Mu Qing said once he was standing behind his friend. Xie Lian turned around with a smile that was all teeth and a scrunched up nose. Mu Qing thought, not for the first time, that Xie Lian could rival the sun with how bright he shone.
"Hey! You made it!" Xie Lian nudged his shoulder lightly, swinging an arm over his shoulder. It brought Mu Qing's face level with Xie Lian and Xie Lian laughed when he saw Mu Qing's mildly offended face letting him go with a light shove.
"Everyone's here already," Xie Lian said. Everyone. By that Mu Qing knew he was referring to his friends. Unlike Mu Qing, Xie Lian was a social butterfly, considering everyone- even people he only said hi to in passing, a friend. Mu Qing was a bit more selective, but he liked this group of people just fine. If only through sheer exposure. Xie Lian was constantly pulling him over to join his little gang of misfits: Pei Ming the marching band percussionist with a penchant for falling asleep in class, He Xuan the volleyball team libero who spent more time on the bench flirting with the cheerleaders than on the actual court and Shi Qingxuan said cheerleader that never seemed to catch on to the fact that they were being flirted with. Mu Qing liked them all just fine but he didn't fool himself into thinking they were his friends, they were Xie Lian's friends first and his by association.
"Sorry I'm late," Mu Qing apologized once he was pulled over to the group. Pei Ming was lying on the grass with his head on a backpack, eyes focused on his nintendo switch which he turned off as soon as he saw Mu Qing had joined them. That probably meant he'd brought his skates and had been waiting for Mu Qing to arrive so he could suggest they do something ridiculous -- like compete in a (one sided) race. Mu Qing's assumption was proven correct when Pei Ming sat up, pulling his backpack onto his lap to pull out his inline skates.
"Hey man," He Xuan said, giving him a head nod in greeting from where he sat cross legged on the grass with Shi Qingxuan's head in his lap. Shi Qingxuan smiled lazily in lieu of a verbal greeting, half asleep from the rhythmic stroking of He Xuan's fingers through their hair.
Xie Lian sat down, pulling Mu Qing down with him while they waited for Pei Ming to sort out the shoelace situation with his inline skates.
"I brought snacks," Xie Lian said. Pulling his own backpack onto his lap, he undid the zipper revealing bags of chips and cans of redbull, as well as a peek of something bright and orange that peeked from in between two aluminum covered squares that could only be sandwiches. "I figured you didn't have breakfast so I brought you a ham and cheese sandwich."
"No fair," He Xuan complained, fingers stilling on Shi Qingxuan's hair which made the other teen frown.
"You never skip breakfast!" Xie Lian said, as if that excused his blatant favoritism. "Plus, I saw you buy a hot dog from that food truck outside," That foot truck and its mystery meat hot dogs had given Mu Qing food poisoning last summer, and Mu Qing gave He Xuan a slightly worried once over.
He Xuan grumbled, and Shi Qingxuan- apparently done with waiting for head pats, sat up, hair sticking in odd directions.
"Thank you," Mu Qing said. He offered Xie Lian a small smile, love for his best friend and a warm palpable feeling blooming in his chest. Xie Lian handed him the He Xuandwich, pulling out his own to join his best friend eating. It could have almost felt like a private picnic if Pei Ming didn't choose that exact moment to humph triumphantly at finally getting his skates securely tied around his ankles. Reminded that others would be able to see the fondness written on his face as he stared at his best friend, Mu Qing rushed to finish his sandwich. It was one thing for Xie Lian to be blatant in his favoritism, but Mu Qing was as selective with his displays of affection as he was with his choice in friends. Smiling dumbly, no matter how small, at his best friend went against the image he was trying to project. He was fourteen, he would be starting high school in the fall, people could misunderstand his fondness for his best friend, see his love as something else-- something more, something he wasn't yet ready to think about.
Xie Lian wordlessly passed Mu Qing a can of redbull to wash the sandwich down and this time Mu Qing merely nodded his thanks.
"You ready?" Pei Ming asked, standing up awkwardly, his skates not made to stand on uneven grass and dirt.
"Yeah," Mu Qing said, he shoved the rest of his sandwich in his mouth, not unlike how he shoved all his warm gentle feelings for Xie Lian deep, deep in his chest and rolled the aluminum foil from Xie Lian's sandwich into a tight compact ball he swung in a graceful arc right into the closest recycling bin. He stood up, his (Xie Lian's) skateboard tucked close to his ribs. "Let's go."
Twelve
Children are mean.
This wasn't a surprise to Mu Qing. What was a surprise was seeing Ling Wen, an eighth grader (almost a high schooler!) cry.
"You like Shi Wudu?" A boy was saying. He said it like it was bad, dirty, and Mu Qing didn't get what was so bad about liking a boy. At twelve, he thought that all crushes were gross, whether the crush was on a girl or a boy. "What are you? Some queer?"
Mu Qing didn't know what the word meant, but he could tell from Ling Wen's reaction that it was a word intended to hurt. Mu Qing did the only thing he could, he stepped right into everyone's line of sight. "Ling Wen?" He interrupted, his voice didn't shake. "Mr. Jun asked you to come to his office."
Ling Wen's relieved teary eyes followed him all the way home.
Fifteen
Mu Qing's lip stung.
"Queer."
At fifteen he knew what the word meant. He'd cautiously asked his mother what it had meant that day he'd gotten home from seeing Ling Wen dry his tears discreetly with his navy blue cardigan. His mother had been aghast, demanding to know where he heard that word. She had been vibrating with anger that day, and he couldn't be sure but something told him she was the reason Ling Wen's bullies had been suspended for three days.
"You guys are gross."
Apparently it wasn't just children that were mean. Teenagers too.
Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan had been holding hands, an innocent interaction, when an upperclassman interrupted their moment. Mu Qing was third wheeling, waiting for Pei Ming and Xie Lian to join them once their last period let out.
He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan had been too shocked to say anything, Mu Qing had not.
"Fuck off dude," Mu Qing had said, no inflection. He'd been as calm and breezy as a summer day. The way Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan had turned to him with twin looks of shock almost made him crack a smile. Mu Qing was not an aggressive person, at least not exactly, but he was no pushover either. People often misunderstood Mu Qing, and interpreted his reserved and standoffish personality as him being uncaring or downright scornful. In reality, Mu Qing just knew how to pick his battles and this was definitely a battle he would win.
"What did you say?" The guy was walking towards Mu Qing, fists clenched. Before he'd spoken Mu Qing had been prepared for the situation to turn ugly, he just didn't think the guy wouldn't even give him the chance to tell him to fuck off a second time before he swung.
"At least now you look tough," Xie Lian said with a wry smile on his face. He was tracing the bruise on Mu Qing's temple. It would turn purple soon but for now it was a striking red. Mu Qing snorted. He could still taste blood from when the other guy landed his second and final punch to his chin, causing him to bite on his lip and break skin. Shi Qingxuan had gotten over their surprise shockingly fast and had used their years of cheerleading and powerful high kicks to their advantage to stop the fight before it could properly start.
Mu Qing was at the school nurse's office, the nurse had already gone home but Xie Lian had forced him to sit down on the cot anyway while he rummaged through the first aid cabinet. "You know, you always surprise me," Xie Lian said conversationally. "Right when I think, ‘I've known him for as long as I can remember there is nothing he can do that will surprise me’, boom , you surprise me again."
"What, you didn't think I could win in a fight?" Mu Qing joked. He watched wearily as Xie Lian fiddled with a disinfectant wipe.
Xie Lian snorted. "Just because you started a fight doesn't mean you won it."
"He started it." Mu Qing was not being petulant. He was not. It was a simple statement of fact. “And I did win.” He didn’t add that he needed help to. His pride was already hurt enough because of that fact. Actually admitting it aloud would be too humiliating for him to bear.
"Mhm," Xie Lian agreed easily. He grasped Mu Qing's chin gently and pressed a disinfectant wipe to Mu Qing's lips. Mu Qing's breath stilled in his lungs. Xie Lian was not a natural brunette, of course he wasn't, but from this close up Mu Qing could see that the very tips of his lashes were sunbleached and nearly blonde. It was a nonsensical trait for Xie Lian to possess but it was even more nonsensical for Mu Qing to be so focused on it.
Xie Lian swiped the wipe on his lips until he was satisfied, and then he blew gentle breath on them to soothe the sting. Mu Qing parted his lips in a shaky exhale and Xie Lian inched forward before stilling. His eyes traced Mu Qing's features, chin still held gently between thumb and forefinger. "Thank you."
Mu Qing blinked, the silence might have been broken, but the air remained thick with something Mu Qing could not name. "For what?"
Xie Lian shrugged and let go of his chin, standing straight slowly- as if moving through molasses.
Mu Qing's lips stung right where Xie Lian had touched.
Sixteen
"I like someone," Xie Lian said. They were lying on the hood of Xie Lian's new old car. It was a hand me down from one of his cousins that had gone off to study abroad, if Mu Qing were being honest he'd say it was a shit car, but Xie Lian had been so excited when Qi Rong had handed him the keys, jumping right into his cousins arms and planting wet fat kisses on both of his cheeks, that Mu Qing acted like the car was a brand new Tesla.
It was cold out, late November, and they were nursing hot chocolate with marshmallow duckies on them because Xie Lian insisted they tasted better than regular marshmallows. Xie Lian had brought a blanket and it tugged on Mu Qing when Xie Lian turned around to study his expression after delivering the news.
"His name is San Lang," Xie Lian continued.
Mu Qing felt something slither from his chest to his throat, constricting around his trachea, and he blinked at the cloudy sky above them convincing himself it was just his throat reacting to the cold air he was inhaling. Mu Qing shifted and thought, embarrassingly, to himself that the sky was cloudy because all the stars were in Xie Lian's eyes.
He pushed his own complicated reaction deep, deep inside his chest. He was not ready to analyze that- not now, maybe not ever- and thought about what kind of reaction his best friend wanted, no, expected to see.
Xie Lian had never spoken about a crush before, he'd always been so open about his affections but he had never once outright spoken about harboring romantic interest for anybody. Mu Qing was not entirely shocked his crush was a boy, just because Xie Lian had never spoken out loud about his crushes didn't mean he was subtle about them, Mu Qing always suspected Xie Lian had befriended He Xuan because he'd had a crush on him. The thought of Xie Lian having a crush hadn't bothered him then. Therefore, the reality of Xie Lian having a crush would not bother him now. It would not.
"Is he nice?" Mu Qing finally asked. Xie Lian stared back at Mu Qing silently for several beats before he returned to his previous position. Shining eyes focused on a starless sky, it would probably snow soon.
"Yeah," Xie Lian replied and Mu Qing admired his profile, watching the cloud of mist that parted Xie Lian's lips when he spoke.
"I’m glad," Mu Qing said. Xie Lian's lips shifted, but from this angle Mu Qing could only guess that it was a smile.
"Yeah."
Ten
"Promise me that when we go to middle school you will still be my friend," Xie Lian demanded, holding out his pinky like an adult might hold out a promise ring.
Mu Qing's hands were firm when he engulfed Xie Lian's- their friendship was stronger than a pinky promise. "I will always be your friend, Xie Lian."
Sixteen
Mu Qing made a new friend. Sorta. Friend was a broad term. Friend who you habitually wiped the floor with at the skatepark was still a friend right?
"Feng Xin." He introduced himself.
Feng Xin transferred right after winter break, and he sat next to Mu Qing in their shared elective language class. Feng Xin was an okay desk partner, he (mostly) kept to his side, took illegible notes and always grabbed whatever Mu Qing managed to drop. However, they started talking not because they shared a desk but because they shared a hobby.
Xie Lian confessed to San Lang the first week back using Valentine's Day as an excuse to do it as soon as possible. According to Xie Lian, San Lang would get countless confessions on that day (and leading up to it) if he waited so it was better to just do it quick- like ripping off a bandaid. Mu Qing had only nodded, not knowing what he could say that would sound genuine and encouraging.
The day Xie Lian had texted him "its official" with a picture of his and San Lang's clasped hands and a cute emoji, Mu Qing had grabbed his (Xie Lian's) skateboard and gone to the park. It had been closed, but the fence had been easy to scale.
Apparently it had been easy to scale for Feng Xin too.
"You good man?" Feng Xin asked, he placed his lunch tray across from him sitting next to He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan who were trading items in their lunch trays in a weird domestic bartering system that only they understood.
"Huh?" Mu Qing blinked. Across the cafeteria Xie Lian was sitting on San Lang's lap, happily munching on a mozzarella stick. Xie Lian and San Lang would always evenly split their time between their two friend groups, one day they would sit with San Lang's friends, the next they would sit with Xie Lian's. They worked well together like that.
"I asked if you were good?" Feng Xin raised an eyebrow, digging into his applesauce before touching his actual lunch. He looked at Mu Qing with a mixture of expectancy and like he was wondering if Mu Qing had hit his head on the pavement one too many times.
"Yeah," Mu Qing glared. "Of course. Mind your business."
Feng Xin stared at him, unimpressed. "Right. Anyway." Next to Mu Qing, Pei Ming snorted, and Mu Qing was not blind to the look him and Feng Xin exchanged. He graciously chose to ignore them.
"Prom is coming up," Feng Xin said significantly. Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan suddenly became interested in the conversation.
"It's for upperclassmen only," He Xuan said. Their school only allowed Seniors and Juniors to prom, unless they were a plus one. As a sophomore, Feng Xin had another year before he could go to his own prom, unless one of them invited him as their date.
"I know," Feng Xin said simply. He took a sip from his milk carton.
"Pei Ming or Mu Qing could take him!" Shi Qingxuan said brightly. Mu Qing could already see where this was going. In all truth he hadn't planned to go to prom, he knew his friends would be there, but he had planned to spend it kicking Feng Xin’s ass at the skatepark. He hadn't thought Feng Xin would be interested in going.
"Pei Ming is going to prom with that senior- what's her name?" Feng Xin asked.
"None of your business," Pei Ming answered without missing a beat. He smiled, all fake smarmy charm.
"Do you want to go to prom, Feng Xin?" Mu Qing asked, his tone was mocking, but his hands clammy. He wiped them on his jeans, wondering why he actually cared about the answer. Feng Xin wouldn’t want to go to prom with him, not really, and even if he did it wouldn’t mean anything- not between them. Feng Xin glared at him, an eyebrow twitching. Mu Qing smirked. "Want to go together?"
Feng Xin opened his mouth to answer, but just as he did Xie Lian stood up from his boyfriend's lap, basically bouncing over to their table.
"What are we talking about? A-Qing, ready to go?" He asked all in one breath. Mu Qing smiled at his best friend, happy that even though Xie Lian had San Lang he always made sure to walk to all their shared classes together.
"Mu Qing is taking Feng Xin to prom," He Xuan said through a mouthful of food.
Xie Lian's face did something strange, and Mu Qing was suddenly reminded that Xie Lian hadn’t really met Feng Xin yet, not really. Feng Xin had joined the friend group when Xie Lian started dividing his time between his friends and San Lang's. He probably didn't realize that Feng Xin and Mu Qing were ‘close’ enough that Mu Qing would take him as his plus one to prom. It made Mu Qing frown to himself that despite both of their efforts to the contrary his best friend could still be getting out of touch with his life.
"Oh," Xie Lian spoke at the same time as Feng Xin.
"I haven't said yes yet."
Mu Qing rolled his eyes, grabbing his things but not before placing his dessert, an already peeled clementine, on Feng Xin's plate. "Text me, let me know."
Feng Xin glared at the fruit on his plate, "Yeah, whatever. Don’t be late tonight, otherwise you forfeit." Feng Xin’s lips curled in a cocky smile. “You don’t wanna lose before you even get a chance to compete, do you?”
“Shut up.” Mu Qing said in place of a proper goodbye.
Xie Lian waited until they were out of the cafeteria to bombard him with questions.
"Tonight? What are you doing tonight?" Xie Lian asked, he sounded confused and when Mu Qing turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow he saw that Xie Lian was frowning.
"We skate together?" Mu Qing said, but he was so confused as to why Xie Lian was staring at him like that that it came out sounding more like a question.
"At night?" Xie Lian questioned, his lips were pursed dubiously.
"Yes."
"When the park is closed? That's dangeorus." Xie Lian grabbed onto Mu Qing's wrist pulling him to a stop right in the middle of the hallway.
"We've done it hundreds of times, I promise it's fine." Mu Qing said defensively. His words only seemed to perturb Xie Lian even more.
"You promise." Xie Lian frowned deeper, he sounded skeptical. Mu Qing leaned back, pulling his wrist free.
"What?" Mu Qing questioned. He didn't know why Xie Lian was looking at him like a disappointed parent but something about it made him feel judged, he didn't like it.
"It’s nothing, don’t worry about it." Xie Lian shook his head. Mu Qing narrowed his eyes, a feeling kind of like frustration tickling the back of his throat, he tried to swallow it back.
"What are you talking about Xie Lian?" Mu Qing, pushed, stubborn and confused. He didn’t like the way that Xie Lian was staring at him: at once worried and dismissive, as if he didn’t quite believe Mu Qing but didn’t care enough to continue questioning him. It bothered him, made him feel like Xie Lian was disapproving of him. Like Mu Qing fell short to some expectation of Xie Lian’s that Mu Qing had never been made aware of.
"It’s just- I'm supposed to be your best friend." Xie Lian said, making air quotes around the words 'best friends'. Oh and how Mu Qing hated those air quotes.
"You are." Mu Qing confirmed with an eye roll, it was the only thing about this conversation that he wasn't unsure of.
"How come I didn't know about the late night dates-"
"Dates?"
"Or that you were taking him to prom?" Xie Lian spoke over him, becoming more visibly upset the more he talked.
"He hasn't said yes yet-" Mu Qing said dumbly.
"I feel like you don't talk to me anymore." Xie Lian said, hurt. His frown gave way to an expression that could almost be read as heartbroken, normally this is where Mu Qing would fold and rush to assuage his best friend. Mu Qing did not fold.
"You have San Lang now," Mu Qing accused. Xie Lian blinked, confusion clear in his face.
Hurt and confusion.
Confusion and hurt.
Expressions bouncing back and forth as if stuck on a loop, Mu Qing wondered how they had managed to make such a mess of this short conversation. "What does he have to do with this?" Xie Lian asked.
"Well you are always with him," Mu Qing said helplessly.
"He's my boyfriend!" Xie Lian said he was looking at Mu Qing like a kicked puppy. Mu Qing scoffed, as if he needed the reminder.
"Yeah, well I'm your 'best friend.'" Now Mu Qing is the one putting air quotes around their title.
"It's not the same." Xie Lian said sounding hurt that Mu Qing would even draw a comparison. Mu Qing felt the fight leave him like a balloon that was popped.
"I know," he said and something about his tone caused Xie Lian to pale.
"Mu Qing-"
"I didn't mean that you weren't as important I-"
"Let's just drop it," Mu Qing interrupts.
"Mu Qing-"
Mu Qing began walking to the classroom, Xie Lian rushing behind him, voice apologetic.
"Please, Mu Qing-"
Despite his increasingly heavy steps, Mu Qing did not stop.
Seventeen
"Happy birthday!"
It was the summer before senior year and prom had come and gone. After Mu Qing had retold the story of ‘the fight’ to Feng Xin, the latter had told him 'fuck prom' and they'd gone skating until midnight the way Mu Qing originally planned.
Now, surrounded by his friends (plus San Lang) Mu Qing blew his birthday candles with a smile. Xie Lian smeared frosting on his cheek, and Mu Qing ignored the fondness in his chest and proceeded to roll his eyes.
His friendship with Xie Lian was…awkward. Xie Lian had apologized over and over for weeks until Mu Qing, exhausted but still burdened with the knowledge that Xie Lian didn’t place his relationship with Mu Qing in as high a regard as his relationship with San Lang, relented. Mu Qing was hurt so deeply that it prompted some much needed introspection.
Mu Qing loved Xie Lian.
He always had. It was the sort of love that could change and grow all on its own. Mu Qing didn’t have to think about loving Xie Lian- he just did. He loved him platonically, as the dearest friend he’s ever had and ever will have. With time and without Mu Qing’s knowledge that love had changed, becoming romantic, softer around the edges and tinted pink. He didn’t notice the shift because nothing had changed, not really, he’s loved Xie Lian for most of his life and he continues to do so. The fact that he sometimes has to swallow thickly when he catches Xie Lian peck San Lang is the only marked difference and maybe, that too, would change with time.
Sometimes it was awkward, painful, to look at Xie Lian and know that while he occupied the first place in Mu Qing’s heart— Mu Qing did not occupy the first in his.
“I got something for you,” Feng Xin said awkwardly, pulling Mu Qing out of his thoughts. Mu Qing raised an eyebrow, his relationship with Feng Xin had grown over the months. They skated together, often arguing about proper technique and laughing mockingly at each other when they inevitably ate dirt in front of one another. The awkwardness of a new friendship had settled into something that resembled a friendly rivalry. They were always trying to one up each other, snarky and mocking each other ruthlessly. Still whenever Mu Qing fell, Feng Xin was always there to throw disinfectant wipes and bandaids at his face, making sure to hit him right between the eyes. Feng Xin was a welcome distraction.
Mu Qing would never admit it, but he enjoyed their banter and the clumsy, awkward way that Feng Xin showed he cared.
“I thought I said no gifts!” Mu Qing glared. Feng Xin shrugged.
“Close your eyes,” Feng Xin said, Mu Qing rolled his eyes looking curiously at the others who seemed just as lost as he was. At Feng Xin’s impatient sound Mu Qing closed his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows when he heard a door open and close.
“I asked your mom to hide it for me,” Feng Xin explained. “You can open your eyes now.”
Mu Qing did, and right in front of him was a brand new skateboard, clean and unscuffed, smooth to the touch. “Oh my god, Feng Xin. This is too much.”
“I noticed yours was getting ready to be retired, so…” Feng Xin trailed off with a shrug. “Plus it wasn’t a fair win if I was racing someone with a shitty old board.”
Mu Qing scoffed, raising his fist as if he were going to punch Feng Xin, he didn’t notice the way Xie Lian’s smile turned sad, almost nostalgic. “I still beat you, even with an old skateboard.” Mu Qing mocked. His eyes passed over to Xie Lian. “And don’t call her shitty.” Mu Qing wanted to elaborate by saying that the board was special, that she was a gift from Xie Lian; but she hadn’t exactly been a gift either, had she? Still, hand me down or not, she used to be Xie Lian’s and she was his first board. Mu Qing had a soft spot for her, wonky old wheels, peeled paint and all.
“As if,” Feng Xin said. His dark eyes were sparkling with a mixture of mischief and something else. A sparkle that usually followed the words: “Let’s race.”
“Now?” Mu Qing asked, looking at the cake in front of him pointedly.
“What? Too scared I’ll beat you and you won’t be able to use your ‘old skateboard’ excuse anymore?” Feng Xin mocked. Mu Qing narrowed his eyes.
“As if I would ever be scared of you.”
“Let’s go then.” And so they did.