Chapter Text
They were all so perfect. Each and every one of them. His friends; gorgeous, talented. They could do anything, and barely had to work for it. They were all so naturally inclined at the things they loved that none of them had to dedicate their lives to their craft. They simply had to wake up each morning, greet the day, and submerge their minds, bodies, spirits into their passions.
...
…He was overthinking again, wasn’t he?
Chongyun had a bad habit of that. Xiangling, Tao, Xingqiu: they weren’t doing anything wrong.
Xiangling had always been good at cooking. With generations of experience and recipes at her fingertips, as well as a knack for experimentation, it’s no wonder she became a famed chef in the Harbor.
And despite her… strange methods, Hu Tao was brilliant at being the Director. No fear of death or decay, a prodigy with the spear, a good head for business. Her only shortcoming was that she was rather... creepy, for lack of a better term. Xingqiu once described it as "her people skills need work. Severely."
And oh, Xingqiu. Perfect, attractive, mythically talented Xingqiu. “Perfect” was the perfect descriptor for him. His slender, toned body; expensive, finely pressed silk wardrobe; a quirky hairstyle that framed his flawless face oh-so wonderfully. A voice that rang out with each verse, like the last breeze of a storm against an ancient windchime. The way his form would twist, leap, dance whenever he demonstrated his skill with the sword… Chongyun could never tear his eyes away.
He couldn’t tear his thoughts away, either.
Damn.
Mornings were like this. He’d wake up without the energy to get out of bed. Scold himself for being so useless, so lazy. Compare himself to his friends, his boyfriend, how inferior he was, how useless he was. And every time, his thoughts would drift to Xingqiu. Beautiful, perfect Xingqiu.
The universe had a strange way of blotting out his much-needed self-criticisms, that’s for certain.
Alas, as much as he would’ve preferred to remain under the covers, locked away in a dark room where no one had to witness his hideousness, his failures, his stupidity- Xingqiu promised to come by very soon. Something about a lead on an evil spirit near the Stone Gate.
Hiding from the world sounded appealing, but Xingqiu more so, and all it took to convince him to finally sit upright, yawn, stretch until his spine cracked once, twice, thrice, was the idea that he would hold Chongyun’s hand. Press a chaste kiss to his cheek. Help him forget that he was fat, ugly, untalented. A failure.
The sun was already high in the sky. He’d slept in.
Too lazy to get up on time.
Xingqiu would be arriving any time. Chongyun would have to scramble to get things done if he didn’t want to scare the poor boy away with messy hair or bad breath. The less Xingqiu knew him to be ugly, the better things would go, right?
…What precisely were these things? Chongyun wondered, washing his face for the second time. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Less oil, less dirt means perfect. Soft skin means perfect. Perfect for him.
But it wasn’t perfect, he would never be perfect, only better. And Chongyun supposed as long as he looked and acted better for Xingqiu, then his reputation as the second son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild wouldn’t be tarnished.
Pah. Seen in the company of failure of an exorcist. How could Xingqiu stoop so low? They already pointed out in years past how shameful it was to walk alongside a piglet like him, how he only tricked Xingqiu into keeping him around because he was nothing but a clever gold digger pretending to be stupid. All those hushed comments, the goodness, he's quite round about the middle, isn't he?, or the dear Archons! He's twice the Young Master's size. Quite a clever move! The Young Master likely uses him as a shield when adventuring, hiding wholly behind him!
It's like everyone saw him, but they never saw him. Only the stupid, shunned child of an exorcist clan who wouldn't ever grow out of his baby fat.
…Enough. Chongyun took a long breath, buried his face in a towel. A bad attitude makes me ugly. I can’t be ugly.
Back in his room, he dug through several draws. Nothing he owned was quite as stunning as Xingqiu’s cheapest clothing, but what if he dressed up a little? Maybe then… Maybe then he might even get a compliment or two.
Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Holding several articles against his form, Chongyun gazed at his reflection in the mirror. Red was much too brilliant and outspoken. He dreaded nothing more than drawing undue attention. He normally dressed in whites and blues, black if he felt bold but…
Perhaps he shouldn’t. Dressing up might get him a compliment, but it would also bring negative attention. Passing comments about how he shouldn’t wear things that show off his stomach fat or stupidly pale skin. A-and none of the clothing shops in the Harbor made clothes that both fit him and were within his budget, so he was often stuck with things that were too tight. They would pinch his waist when he bent down, and he lived in constant fear of moving just wrong enough that he would rip something.
Here, in Liyue, where skinniness was sexiest, they didn't make clothes for fat bodies. It only served as a reminder of how wrong he was.
He settled for his usual black shirt, but pulled on a hoodie for good measure. It would be warm, but… as long as Chongyun went unnoticed, then he would put up with it.
But then his eyes drifted up to the face staring back at him. And Chongyun questioned what exactly about it Xingqiu loved. Glaring cat eyes, as unexpressive as his personality. Chubby cheeks like an infant, a double chin.
Ugly.
There was nothing to love. Nothing to give. Nothing Chongyun could do for Xingqiu, nothing he could be because Xingqiu had everything, everything.
Hands pressed to his face; he urged his cheeks backward. Skin taught, he gazed upon what should’ve been a thin, attractive young man. But it looked creepy.
A deep breath, and Chongyun shook away the icky thoughts. He was better than this. Such a thing hadn’t bothered him for years, so why should he let those memories of being bullied… infantilized… harassed bother him now?
Besides, it’s not like he could change those aspects of himself. Chongyun had always been a bit... bigger... than his friends, and he’d never been terribly good at exorcism or martial arts.
And of course, there was-
Nononono. Go away. Go away.
He wasn’t going to spend his day with Xingqiu in a sour mood. Just to be sure, though, he swapped out his hoodie for a slightly larger one. Midway through pulling it over his head, however, Chongyun heard an inelegant crash! Followed by an ah shit!
“Why’d you move your bed?!”
Chongyun hurriedly turned around to find Xingqiu laying in a heap below the window, painfully rubbing his chin.
“Dearest, when I crawl in through the window, I rather expect to find an elevated surface to prevent incidents like this.”
His spirit lurched, and a pang of red-hot guilt pooled in his cheeks. “A-ah, I’m so sorry, I-I, er- I moved it last night because I couldn’t sleep, a-and I didn’t want to just lay there, so I got up and moved my room around after… u-um…”
Xingqiu stood, dusted off his dress shirt, and approached. And he kept approaching. The flirt finally stopped when their toes touched, and Xingqiu was close enough to rest his bruised chin against Chongyun’s chest. Oh, how his heart pounded as he gazed into those eyes, akin to a sunburst trapped in amber.
The way his hands rested on Chongyun’s hips, draped against him, throat vibrating with each word he spoke. Xingqiu’s monologue barely registered. Chongyun was a little too busy imagining his boyfriend as a cat.
For one, he often laid his body atop his, never minding that Chongyun was often busy beforehand. His voice was smooth and rich, a bit like the frisky purr of a feline. And, of course, he was a troublesome attention whore that bothered Chongyun at the most inopportune of times.
Chongyun was dating a cat, more or less, and he still wasn’t sure how it had happened. They had been friends for as long as he could recall. Pent up inside the house as a child, hyperfocused on meditation and spirit taming, Xingqiu was the one who crawled up the walls, in through the window, and would be distracting him as soon as he could.
And, of course, he was obnoxious when he wasn’t getting enough attention.
“-isn’t that right, dearest?” Xingqiu’s eyes were half lidded, staring dreamily up at him. His heart stopped at the flutter of his eyelashes, and oh, how Chongyun loved the boy. Throat tight, chest tighter, he felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.
He had absolutely no clue what Xingqiu had been going on about, but Chongyun nodded wordlessly, feet on the ground while his mind drifted far above the clouds with images of him, mischievous Xingqiu.
…
It was all an act, wasn’t it?
Who on earth acts that in-love with someone?
Xingqiu was prone to dramatics, much in the same way Tao dramatized the most minute of things. This was nothing but a farce, pretending to love Chongyun for… What reason was there?
A light tap on his cheek drew Chongyun down from the stratosphere. “Yunyun? You heard me, right?”
He stuttered. “U-um, I… no?”
“I asked if there’s anything you want to do today. The lead I had turned out to be fake; A gang of idiot teenagers were playing pranks on tourists, it seems. “
With a shake of his head, Chongyun cleared those icky thoughts away. Icky icky icky. “But weren’t we idiot teengers?”
The offended gasp that escaped Xingqiu’s lips- (his perfect, soft lips, painted with a pale rose pink, and dusted with the faintest, faintest bit of glimmer)- was priceless. “No! Well… yes, but that was years ago, Yunyun. Years.”
“You were nineteen last Moonchase.”
“No, two Moonchases ago, and Moonchase is later this year, so that makes me nineteen two years ago.”
Chongyun’s brow furrowed as he tried to run the numbers in his head. He was never great with mental math. Figuring it out on paper was simple enough, but visualizing numbers and values was far beyond his expertise.
Stupid. Can’t even do simple addition.
He supposed that’s what Xingqiu was for, being adept at trade deals and all.
That’s why. He sticks around me because I’m stupid and it probably makes him feel smarter.
…No, Xingqiu isn’t that selfish, h-he… He’s…
“Yunyun?” The boy called for the nth time. “Goodness, you’re so spacey today. Something bothering you?”
Xingqiu was still draped across Chongyun, leaning his weight against him. It wasn’t a problem until Chongyun tuned in once again, realizing just a moment too late that he’d begun to roll back on his heels.
Gravity was such a bothersome thing, wasn’t it?
Chongyun blinked. And he blinked again. Saw a look of surprise plastered across his boyfriend’s face, a cry of panic that fell upon deaf ears. And suddenly Xingqiu’s leg jutted out between his own, and the arms resting on his hips reached around to grasp his waist.
Alas, it wasn’t enough. Suspended in air for however brief a time, Chongyun eventually slipped from Xingqiu’s hold and hit the ground with audible thud. Flat on his back, all of his dignity flew out the open window, and not a word left his mouth as he stared blankly up at Xingqiu.
“I-I meant to catch you, I swear, but you slipped from my-”
“It’s fine.”
He knelt and urged Chongyun to sit upright. “No, it’s not, my liege. A man of chivalry doesn’t let anyone down ever, whether that be metaphorical, or in this case, literal. You’re not hurt, are you?”
Icky thoughts were a bit like pumice. No matter how hard Chongyun tried to sink them into the depths of his mind, they always found a way to rush back to the surface. Floating, bobbing. Sometimes blotting out everything except how useless he was. Stupid. Fat. Useless. Ugly. A failure.
“No.”
Xingqiu brushed his bangs aside, tilted his head left, right. Examined his neck, shoulders, arms. Grabbed Chongyun’s face and squished his cheeks, staring him dead in the eye. “You’re not lying to me, are you?”
Chongyun broke away from his hold and stood. “No. I only fell because I’m too heavy for you to hold. It’s fine, just-”
“Nonsense!” Xingqiu bolted upright, nearly scaring him half to death when his vision was unexpectedly filled with blue, amber, and blinding determination. “There’s no such thing as too heavy, dearest. Now put your arms out, would you?”
He swallowed hard, knowing full well how this would end. This was just Xingqiu trying to make him feel better.
Yet, Chongyun obliged, holding his arms out as told, and praying, praying he wouldn’t crush Xingqiu. The guilt of breaking his ribs, bruising his perfect body… Chongyun would never recover. He would simply hide away in the darkest, most wretched of places until the end of time.
A fair punishment for an ugly mistake like him, tarnishing one of this world’s beautiful beings.
…When had his icky thoughts become so poetic?
As much as he absolutely did not want this, there would be no talking his boyfriend out of it. Xingqiu snaked one arm under his, while he crouched and hooked the other one under Chongyun’s knees. The classic bridal style, it would seem, and Xingqiu moved to sweep him off his feet. (How horrid he felt when Xingqiu's arms sunk into his body, like squeezing a water balloon.)
With a shaky breath and a determined grunt, Xingqiu lifted him an inch, two, and released. Chongyun felt his skin begin to blister with heat, and stumbled through a response of it’s fine, you don’t have to- But he was cut off.
Xingqiu tried again, this time wrapping his arms tight around Chongyun’s waist.
…His hands didn’t even touch.
With another determined grunt, Xingqiu tried, tried to lift him but… Didn’t make it half as far. The boy spent far too long digging his arms into Chongyun’s hips, lifting with all his strength, and yet.
“Please stop.” Chongyun uttered in an unnaturally high voice. One riddled with shame, with guilt. With a sudden, stark awareness of his own body.
“Hm?” Xingqiu tilted his head. “O-oh! Am I hurting you? I’m so sorry,” A look of concern, and Xingqiu immediately let go. “-I hardly realized that such a thing might leave a bruise! I should have-”
“No, let’s just… Let’s just leave, ‘kay?”
Chongyun didn’t have the energy to argue or explain himself. His thoughts were a mess, full of contradictions and arguments that made no sense. Xingqiu hates you. He’s just using you. He’s just trying to make you feel better. He’s toying with you. He’s-
But that wasn’t true, was it? Xingqiu was a self-described ‘Man of Chivalry,’ and proved that title true every single day. He was brave, genuine, and cunning. All these lame, half assed excuses were just Chongyun’s way of avoiding the truth.
“Yunyun, I know something’s bothering you.” Xingqiu moved as if to take hold of his hands but stopped. “You get all pouty and quiet when you’re upset.”
A blush, and he immediately replied. “N-no I don't! I-”
“Lies. All lies. My dearest, most wonderful Yunyun is nought but a liar!”
…He’s right. I’m nothing.
With a giggle, Xingqiu moved to his bed and took a seat on the edge. A pat on the spot next to him, and Chongyun followed. He forgot to sit at least a few feet away, though. Plopped down right next to Xingqiu so that their hips touched, and as the mattress dipped under his weight, Xingqiu tumbled toward him.
The smallest ooh! Escaped his lips, and Chongyun shot up. Covered for his own stupidity by pretending to pace about the room.
Silence.
“Could you tell me what’s wrong?”
His skin burned hotter, and the fire of his spirit sank deep within his tissue. Shame, shame, shame shameshameshame-
From his periphery, he saw Xingqiu half stand, reach and pull him by the wrist back to the bed. He was forced to take a seat, forced to relax his shoulders. Forced to close his eyes and take a long breath.
A cool hand caressed his cheek, and Xingqiu’s melodious voice drowned out the icky thoughts. “It’s okay to feel bad, Chongyun. Is there a way I can help?”
…
A second hand touched his other cheek, and suddenly his face was locked into a loving squish again. His eyes being closed and all, he never anticipated Xingqiu to suddenly bombard him in kisses, each of them featherlight and dabbled across his lips, nose, cheeks- even one or two on his eyelids.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Kiss. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Kiss. “Tell. Me. What’s. Wrong.” Kisskisskiss-
Chongyun jolted back with a slight grin, choking back a laugh. “Okay, okay! I-...” How should he explain something so stupid? After all, it was a simple case of my boyfriend is so much better than me and I don’t know why he puts up with me. “-um… I just…”
His expression was soft and caring. He said nothing as Chongyun tried desperately to organize his thoughts.
“Like I said, I just- I didn’t sleep well last night. Don’t worry about it.”
Xingqiu cracked the smallest smile and nuzzled right up next to him. “If you want, I can sneak out and sleep over tonight. Father is having a business dinner, and they always end up shitfaced by eight. He’ll never notice I’m gone.”
Chongyun bit his lip and fiddled with his hands. A pause, and “...That would be nice.”
—
The two decided a trip to Wangshu Inn was in order. It had been some time since either had left the Harbor, and Xingqiu declared (yes, declared,) they were due for a change of scenery.
The bulletin board and the constant influx of comings and goings were an excellent place to find some leads, and Xingqiu figured a ghost hunting thrill would help draw Chongyun out of his slump.
Despite the sweltering heat of early Summer, he still pulled on a second long sleeve before leaving. And, despite Xingqiu’s protests, Chongyun insisted it was to help keep the sun off him.
Too much sun a-and my spirit will make me do something reckless. I-I don’t want you to have to pay for any damages again, o-or-
It’s alright, dearest. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re swimming in your own sweat. Silly goose.
Xingqiu was right. In the afternoon sun, he found himself tugging at his collar, hiding so far beneath his parasol that Chongyun may as well have been underground. All Xingqiu did was giggle and offer him one of the popsicles he kept stashed in his satchel.
Except he didn’t keep the usual popsicles- these were sweet, perhaps a bit tart, and Chongyun found that he’d devoured it before it even had a chance to melt. It did nothing to quell his antsy spirit. In fact, it only made him crave more.
He couldn’t tear his thoughts away from the delightful taste of sunsettias and citrus, the cooling sensation upon his tongue and throat.
…
Just as Chongyun hid beneath a parasol, he was sure to hide his body from everyone. Layers upon layers of clothes, pretending the bulkiness was fabric and not fat. His eyes remain cast toward the ground, so no one had to bear witness to his stupidly round face.
Draw no attention.
Draw no attention, and he wouldn’t have to bear the shame that came with his whole existence.
But his yang energy sometimes acted otherwise.
The walk was peaceful, the monsters kept to themselves. The only disturbance was a hilichurl rampantly chasing a butterfly a way away from the Inn, ignoring the two boys entirely.
There was something poetic to be said about such a thing. Chongyun wasn’t nearly creative enough to weave a verse then and there, but he heard Xingqiu voice his muse for a moment.
“Ever the mindless creatures we think them to be. Primitive, feral, beast-like. And yet they have their own language, sing one another to sleep, even care for their injured or elderly. This one even chose to follow something that piqued it’s interest.” A small grin, and Xingqiu folded his hands behind his back. “How delightful.”
Chongyun had nothing to add.
The Inn was, as usual, bustling. Travelers coming and going, Verr Goldet rubbing her temples and mumbling about too much paperwork. A certain blonde Traveler ducked into the kitchen, while their floating companion hollered about finding something tasty to eat.
Xingqiu dashed ahead, hoping to borrow a second of their time, but… They were gone before he even reached the stairs.
They both wondered how on earth those two got around so quickly. And how they never seemed to tire of it.
At last, his boyfriend suggested they rest for a while before pursuing anything supernatural. Who was he to argue? Chongyun first sat down at a table near the stairway, but somehow, he felt… watched. As if every pair of eyes in a mile radius were fixed on him, picking apart his ever mistake, scoffing at his pale skin, his-
He moved to a corner table, slumping over and hiding his face in his arms. A lump formed in his throat; his chest grew tight once more. Tears stung his eyes as Chongyun felt wrong, wrong in his own skin, as if all the mistakes the universe had ever made were crammed into one fleshy vessel, trying so desperately to escape and screw the world up further.
It made no sense.
Chongyun made no sense.
He was too stupid to ever make any sense. His very existence was unexpected, unwanted, and all his did was take and take, while-
“Hey-”
The boy shot upright, quickly wiping the tears from his cheeks.
“-I got you a snacky snack~” Xingqiu set a plate before him before taking the spot across. When had he started singsonging things?
(Was this some silly attempt at cheering him up?)
Xingqiu tucked his hair behind his ears and spared a moment to explain the unfamiliar dishes he’d acquired. “It would seem Xiangling’s been here recently. She’s put a few strange ideas into Yanxiao’s head, and he’s started mixing fruit into various recipes. As such, he’s been asking his patrons to come up with names for these dishes, should they enjoy them.”
Chongyun weakly grinned, but felt his… numbness? Shame? He wasn’t even sure what he’d been feeling that day- return. The dish would have to cool before he could even sample it. Yanxiao would have to wait on a name.
And- and even if Chongyun were hungry right then, his throat still burned from the incoming cry he’d been fighting all day. Any attempt to swallow would result in choking, and that would draw attention, and then everyone would have to witness how stupid and useless and wrong Chongyun was, and then all he would do is bring more shame to his family name and-
“Yunyun.”
…Xingqiu had said his name this time. No soft call. No patience.
“Yunyun, please tell me what’s wrong.”
Damn him and his powers of observation. “I-I told you, I’m just tired, a-and I… I don’t know, Qiuqiu. I think I just… Want to go home.”
Setting down his chopsticks, Xingqiu’s expression softened. “Are you certain?”
Lower lip trembling, tears blurring his vision again, Chongyun attempted a yes, but found his voice had already locked up. Instead, he nodded, and felt his chest rattled with an oncoming sob. God, he was so pathetic. Why did Xingqiu love such a waste of space?
The sun beat down on the Inn and its patrons, blistering, baking each and every one. Even before crying like a whiny toddler, Chongyun had had the sense to sit in the shade. And yet the unfortunate combination of high-strung emotions, three layers of clothing, and the drifting rays of sun that had settled on his shoulders; it made for the poor result of-
“X-xingqiu, I-...” he gagged, feeling his breath quicken. “I-I want to leave.”
The boy said nothing, simply nodded and tried to gather Chongyun from his place. His body had grown stiff, waves of heat rolling off him as his spirit surged, writhed within him. Too much, it was too much- the noise, the crowd, the heat, everything was too much.
Ooh, this would be bad. He could feel, feel his spirit wriggling around inside of him, trying to weasel its way out so Chongyun would make a fool of himself. It felt as if hundreds of matches were being struck ablaze just beneath his skin. Each tiny movement of his fingers and hands burned, and though he’d grown familiar with these sensations, it was too much akin to being thrown into a raging funeral pyre.
Except he hadn’t yet died.
Burned alive. What a way to go.
He’d yet to move. Xingqiu had tugged on his wrist one, twice, but found he’d grown stiff as ice.
Please move, please let me move, I have to leave or everyone will see me, PLEASE LET ME MOVE.
His body wouldn’t listen. It never listens.
Xingqiu fussed with him- or so he thought. Everything was fuzzy, dulled at the edges, and he could only faintly make out what was happening as his consciousness slipped away. Something was pulling on his body.
…No, something was pulled off his body. It happened again, Chongyun thought, and suddenly it felt a touch cooler. Cool became cold as a cold something was shoved in his mouth, and he felt his vision slowly clear up.
Xingqiu was crouched at his side, both of his extra shirts tucked around his arms. “Better?”
A nod, and his hand settled around the stick of the popsicle. This one was the right kind, mostly tasteless and sending a familiar chill through his mouth and throat. Gods, he was such a burden.
The perfect son, second born of the Feiyun family, had to lower himself to the pitiful needs of a pathetic boy who couldn’t solve his own problems. Each day, Chongyun wondered why, why did Xingqiu bother?! WHY!?
His hands, cool to the touch, graced across his shoulders, and down his arms. “It’s alright, Yunyun. I should’ve taken better care to prevent this from happening.”
…Chongyun really was a burden, wasn’t he?
Shrugging away from his touch, Chongyun said nothing, but continued chewing on his popsicle, anxious that another episode might follow up the previous one. He focused on breathing, on calmness.
That’s right; calm. He was an exorcist, trained in the arts of combat and thaumaturgy. Calmness was the first thing he’d been taught. Okay. It’s okay.
His thoughts grew dark. Not grim, nor horrible. No, this darkness was akin to that of the night sky. Quiet, uninterrupted. Difficult to navigate, but this task grew easier with practice. Calm. Calm. I feel calm. I… I should feel calm.
And yet he couldn’t shake the feeling of being… watched. If his mind was the night sky, then each and every star overhead opened its eyes and stared him down. Bored into his soul, pried apart his body and dissected the wrongness, pulled it from him and put every ounce of it on display for the entire world to know just how wrong he was.
His eyes shot open. Chongyun frantically looked around, scared that someone, everyone was staring at him. Scared that they knew just how gods awful he was.
Someone… someone was staring. They leaned toward the person beside them, whispered. Both snickered, and the second person replied something equally snicker-worthy. Chongyun curled into himself. Where had Xingqiu gone? Why had he come out today? Why was everyone going wrong? Why-
He didn’t hear what they said. But the words fat and ugly blared like sirens. Echoed all around, drilled into his head.
The young master could do so much better.
Isn’t that the one con artist posing as an exorcist?
Says he’s here to purge evil spirits, but all he’s doing is stuffing his face. Archons, how pathetic.
They could see him; everyone could see him. No parasol, no hoodie; his useless spirit drew everyone’s attention- Chongyun, he- he-
“I have to leave.” Without warning, the boy stood and made for the path back to the Harbor.
Xingqiu gave chase, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. “Wait, don’t you want me to come with?”
Chongyun shook his head and took another step, but Xingqiu snuck around front and stopped him.
“Yunyun? I…”
…Perhaps Xingqiu was finally realizing how futile it was trying to maintain a relationship with him. Perhaps he was finally smart enough to leave Chongyun behind, leave this giant, dead weight behind.
“I’ll… I’ll see you later.” Chongyun pushed past and hurried home. Today was a mistake. He should’ve just stayed in bed.
Xingqiu shouted for him, but didn’t follow. Heh, finally smart enough to stop chasing the fantasy that he was worth something.
But he’s so… wonderful. The boy mused, still feeling the sun burning his exposed skin. Xingqiu is kind, and he treats me so nicely, a-and… we’ve been friends for so long. I don’t want to lose him, I-
Xingqiu was the perfect son, talented at everything he did. The universe had set a high standard, and he far exceeded it. A-and all Chongyun did was fall short of each expectation that had ever been set for him.
It was then that his stubbornness set in. Inexplicably tied into determination, Chongyun pondered a dangerous thought. Dangerous and ingenious, and very very doable. He could do it. He could change. For Xingqiu, Chongyun could change.
He could be the greatest exorcist ever. Tame his spirit, work his body until it was as slim and attractive as Xingqiu’s, and prove he wasn’t a fat, ugly, useless failure of an exorcist.
What was objectively his greatest strength, was his greatest flaw. Stubbornness goes hand in hand with determination. Rather, one bleeds into the other until the two are but one concept.
That didn’t matter.
Today was a mistake, utter humiliation. But it wouldn’t happen again. Chongyun would be sure of that.