Chapter Text
His heart pounded as he walked through the hospital. He barely remembered to stop at the welcome desk. The words ICU came out shaky, feeling like ash in his mouth. They shouldn’t. He didn’t have a right. No, didn’t deserve this? He didn’t even know at this point.
He sighed as he moved towards the elevators. His hands shook. He hit the button harder than he meant once inside. Pain shot through his hand. It was a welcome reprieve from the anxiety thrumming under his skin.
He hated this.
He shifted as the elevator ascended. He was alone. With his thoughts. His worries. His….
He didn’t even know if he was angry. He didn’t know. It just was.
God he wanted to hate TK for this.
But that was the problem. For all his words and appearances, he couldn’t hate TK. He just…. He couldn’t.
The ding of the elevator startled him, pulling him from his thoughts. He exhaled sharply and stepped out into the cold environment of the wing. The ICU. He reminded himself. He tried to focus on Nancy’s words. TK wants you. It couldn’t be that bad. If TK had asked for him. He couldn’t be that bad off. Not if he was up and making demands.
Right?
He had to be right. He wasn’t sure what else to believe. What else could he deal with.
Everything had been too much.
His boots echoed through the quiet of the wing. A few nurses looked up, taken aback by his uniform. He forced a smile at them, trying to appear fine.
He wasn’t. No matter how much he wanted to be. Tried to be. He just…
“Hey bud!”
He turned and found himself with an armful of Nancy. She hugged him fiercely, her arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders. She held him close, almost reluctant to let go.
“I appreciate you coming by, especially while you’re still on shift.”
He patted her back, biting his tongue for a moment. At least til she pulled away. She did. Eventually. Reluctantly almost. He cleared his throat. “Mmm hmmm…”
Nancy started walking through the ICU. “I know he will too.”
“Yeah?” He scoffed, following along beside her, barely taking in the surroundings. He couldn’t. Not yet. It would make whatever this was real. “Typical TK,” he said instead. “First time he wants to talk to me in months, and of course, it’s because he’s in the ICU.”
Nancy’s face fell. He almost felt bad for what he said.
Of course he felt bad. The bravado was there, but not really.
He looked away, leaning down to sign it at the desk and get his visitor badge. He’d done this before. More times than he ever wanted or hoped to.
“About that…” She shifted anxiously on her feet.
“What?” Carlos soon found himself following her. Shifting nervously. Confused.
She let out a breath. “TK didn’t ask me to radio you today.”
“What? You said he wanted me here?” His heart sank. Of course. God…why had he thought TK wanted to talk now?
“ I did kinda say that, didn’t I?”
“Yeah,” he practically snapped.
“Yeah, well, that was a lie.”
“A lie? Why…Why would you lie about—”
“Excuse me?”
Carlos turned away from Nancy, focusing on the new person. The woman that had approached them. His heart dropped as she spoke. The words hit him like punches.
In the ice…
The hero is my friend TK…
Went in the drink…
All praying for your friend…
The woman left as Nancy’s voice cracked. And Carlos struggled to find his own. He gave her a look, his jaw practically clenching as he tried to speak.
“How serious is it, Nancy?” He took a step toward her, hoping she’d tell him this was all some cruel joke. That TK was fine. That he was fine. That he was…
“Honestly, it’s not good.” She swallowed thickly. “Cap’s finding out the latest now.”
Carlos opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead, he turned to Tommy. Barely hearing her say they needed to find TK’s father. Barely registering the gravity of that. Barely breathing as he saw his person.
In the bed. Hooked up to every machine possible. Not breathing on his own.
God…
Tommy squeezed his arm. “Babe? You with us?”
He started at the phrase. Babe. One word that meant too much from one person.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah.”
“It’s okay, bud,” Nancy walked around to his other side and took his hand. “It’s a lot.”
Carlos swallowed thickly, mimicking Nancy from moments before. “What happened?” His eyes never left TK, taking in his prone body on the bed.
“A couple found a boy under an icy lake,” Tommy explained, her voice strained. “We got called. Not long after we left the furniture store with you.”
“Well, where you were,” Nancy clarified. “Before you ran away.”
Carlos shook his head, not commenting on his own day. It wasn’t the time. “Why was TK on the ice with the boy? What—“
“Dispatch only sent us. There were no available fire units.,” Nancy added.
“TK wanted to go out. To do the rescue,” Tommy said.
Nancy smiled sadly. “Bragged about how he’d done all these ice rescues in New York.”
Tommy’s grip on Carlos’s shoulder tightened. “He knew what he was doing. But, we didn’t have the right equipment. I sent him out anyway.”
“There wasn’t much choice,” Nancy sighed, her gaze landing on TK in the bed. “He wanted to do it. To help the kid. He was so focused on the kid. Even when…” Her voice cracked.
“When what?” Carlos couldn’t look away from TK either.
“He got to the boy,” Tommy clarified. “He had to go under a bit. His head, at first, at least. He reached into the water and got to the boy. But, the ice cracked under him. Just couldn’t support his weight with the movements he needed to do. To save the kid.”
“He went under,” Nancy continued, when Tommy trailed off, taking a minute to breathe. “The ice gave out and he fell into the drink with Abe. The boy. He saved him anyway. But was under for longer than he needed to be. Than he should have been….”
“We got them out,” Tommy picked up. The women were supporting each other, even now, picking up and finishing the story when the other got too emotional. “Had to use a bedsheet as a damn life ring.”
“TK still managed to tell us what to do. Wouldn’t let us get on the ice with them. He rocked it.” Nancy’s hand shook in his.
“We were so focused on the boy,” Tommy’s voice was sad and distant. “TK was so focused. So ready to take care of him.”
“Typical TK,” Carlos said again, the words all but haunting him. He looked back at TK as Tommy and Nancy finished explaining how the rig had slid down the hill and all the things they’d had to do to save the boy.
“He was fine,” Nancy said, tears welling in her eyes as she spoke of TK, “until he wasn’t.”
“He was hypothermic. We missed it,” Tommy’s voice was thick. “I should have known. He was shaking so bad. So wet. And—“
“He wanted to save the boy,” Carlos interjected, knowing how much that would have meant to TK. How much his patients always meant. “Jesus…” His legs felt shaky as he stepped into the room.
Nancy tightened her grip on him. “When we were transferring the kid, he ran off. He was so hot by then. He couldn’t…” She stopped talking, her voice too clogged with emotions.
“He was experiencing the stages of hypothermia where all his blood was going towards his core. It helps keep the vital organs going and protected. But, it makes the person feel like they are burning up. We found him half frozen in the snow.” Her voice cracked. She cleared it and took a step towards his room. “Severe hypothermia.”
“God,” Carlos gasped.
“His heart stopped,” Nancy went on.
“Revived him in the field. Again in the rig,” Tommy added.
It felt like he’d been punched with her words. “What… What’s the effects of that? What does that mean? What…”
“Take a breath, Carlos,” Tommy kept her voice gentle, mothering. “Let’s get you to a seat.”
He hadn’t realized how much he was shaking til she moved him towards the chair. The one right next to TK. His eyes focused on the tubes. The wires. Machines.
“It means his heart stopped twice, which isn’t ideal. It’s pumping and working, but not like it should right now. HIs heart rate is lower than it should be and there’s a slight arrhythmia right now.” She rubbed Carlos’s shoulder. “Some of his other organs started to shut down. Between the cold and the blood flow…”
“He couldn’t breathe on his own. We had to do CPR.” Nancy sat down next to him on the arm of the chair. Her hip grazed against his shoulders, almost like she needed to be close to him. To someone. A friend. “I broke one of his ribs. I didn’t mean to. I just had to–”
“He won’t be mad,” Carlos tried to comfort. “He’ll understand. He knows how that goes. He’ll…” He trailed off. He knew he was speaking like TK would be awake and comforting Nancy any moment now. He didn’t know that would happen. He didn’t know anything yet. He…god…
“He has the damage to his ribs, but that’s minimal, and water on his lungs,” Tommy picked up, her eyes focusing on TK as well. “His heart and brain are what we need to worry about right now. They won’t know how much damage was done to the brain til…if…he wakes up.”
Nancy let out a stilted breath at her words. She started talking again too. Adding on information, trying to explain cardiac arrests and severe hypothermia to Carlos. He heard every other word, at best. He tried to follow, but he couldn’t. Not when he was watching TK like this. Barely alive. Barely there.
“Carlos?” Tommy shook him slightly.
“Huh? Oh. Um, sorry. What?” He scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to focus on her this time. “Yeah?”
She gave him a sad smile. “Your phone’s ringing, babe.”
“Oh.” He startled as he finally felt the phone vibrating in his pocket. He fumbled with it, finding it and pulling it out. “Shit, it’s my dad.” He made a face at that and glanced at TK, so reluctant to leave him.
“Stay,” Nancy said, reading his mind somehow. “I need to go track down the rest of the crew.”
“And I should figure out how to find Owen,” Tommy added. “We’ll give you some time.”
The women left him alone. He took a deep breath and answered his phone. “Hey, dad.”
“Carlitos! Thank god! I wanted to make sure you were okay! I heard about that shelter…the cave in. God…”
“I’m fine. I, um, got out okay. Everyone did. Sorta.” He cleared his throat. The beeping of TK’s heart monitor echoed in the background. “Friend got trapped with a girl. But, got out. After awhile”
“I heard you pulled a miracle. Got most out on your own. Alone. Mijo, I’m proud of you. Everyone’s been coming up and telling me about it today.”
Carlos half zoned out as Gabriel started talking about the accolades other officers and even some rangers had given him throughout the day. Instead, he turned his attention to a nurse who had come into the room to check TK. He put his hand over the mic, hoping his dad wouldn’t hear him. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just giving him a new saline bag. Trying to warm him up some.” She gave him a smile and continued working. “I’ll check his lungs in a minute too. Make sure they don’t sound too waterlogged.”
“Carlos? Mijo? Is everything okay? Who was that? Did I just hear someone say saline bag? What’s going on?”
Carlos let out a shaky breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Um, I’m at the hospital right now.”
“What? What happened? Are you there with your friend? Are you hurt?”
Carlos heard his dad’s chair scrape against the floor and clattering noises. “I’m okay!” It was a lie but he said it anyway. “I’m not here for me. Um, TK’s in the ICU.” His voice cracked as he spoke, no doubt giving away his emotions to his father. “He pulled off an ice rescue on his own, but went under the water.” He swallowed thickly. “Has severe hypothermia and went into cardiac arrest and isn’t breathing on his own and–”
“Shhh, breathe, mijo. Breathe Carlos. It’s okay. Which hospital?”
Carlos exhaled. “Memorial.”
“I’ll contact your sergeant. And bring you a change of clothes.”
“Dad–”
“What? You’re still on active duty. Right?”
“Shit, yeah. I forgot. I–”
“Let me do this. I’ll be there soon. Okay?”
Carlos gave in. “Thank you.”
The call disconnected, leaving Carlos alone with TK. He pocketed his phone with trembling hands. He didn’t know what to do with them. He fiddled with his coat, finally taking it off and letting his hand rest on the bed, close to TK’s. His fingers itched to touch TK, whether he should or not. He tapped out a nervous rhythm on the blankets. They were thick under his fingers. Much thicker than the other times he’d found himself in this position. When he’d done a bedside vigil.
He didn’t think he’d ever have one like this though…
Nancy approached him again, practically sneaking up on him with how in his head he was. He hadn’t even realized his hand was clutching TK’s. He thought about letting go, but then he felt the coldness. Really took it in. He couldn’t let go. Instead, he wrapped his other hand around TK’s, trying to warm it in his own.
“His temperature’s coming up,” Nancy said, her own hands coming around TK's other and trying to warm it as well. “He’s still so cold though.”
Carlos chewed his lip. “How bad is this? “What…. What do I need to prepare for here?”
Nancy shook her head. “I don’t know yet. But, it’s not good. He’s, he’s is bad shape, Carlos.” She cleared her throat. “But it’s TK. Right?”
Carlos met her watery gaze. “I hope.”
“You still love him.”
Carlos sighed, “Nancy–”
“I’ve been watching you both. For months.”
“It's complicated. I–”
“Came today. Even when you thought TK was fine. You came because I said TK was asking for you and hurt. You still came. Why would you do that if you didn’t still care? If you didn’t–”
“God, of course I care. But–”
“You love him, dude. And he loves you. I know it.”
Carlos felt his throat clog at that. He glanced at TK’s face. He was so pale. So cold. So…somehow still TK. “He’s not wanted to talk to me in months.”
“I don’t know what happened, but I do know he’s missed you. We’ve all seen it.”
Carlos squeezed TK’s hand, hoping he’d feel something in return. “I’ve missed him. A lot.” He closed his eyes, trying to will away tears that threatened to come. “But…what if that doesn’t matter now? What if–”
“Can we not do what ifs right now?” Nancy started crying at that. “I can’t. I can’t do what ifs around losing another partner. Not now. Not when I missed it. When I could have done more. I just can’t.”
“Nancy–”
“Cap’s going up the mountains to find his dad,” she deferred, clearing her throat again. “He needs to be here.” She glanced down at TK’s hand. “Paul and Mateo are here. Sorta. They’re downstairs. Somewhere.”
Carlos nodded. “Paul was a little hypothermic. Was when I left the scene. I was working that call. I was back with the victim’s parents. Was a kid. He saved a kid.”
“Seems to be going around today,” Nancy sighed. “Judd’s doubling back. He’s getting his truck from his station. Can’t get ahold of Marjan. Not sure what’s up there.”
“I arrested her this morning,” he mumbled.
Nancy scoffed before the silence soon took over. The vent and heart monitor were the only real noise around them. He shifted anxiously in his seat. TK never moved. Hell, his chest looked like it was barely rising and falling with the vent. It made Carlos’s breath stutter in his own chest as he watched. TK shuddered after awhile, the cold finally catching up to him. Carlos squeezed his hand, but nothing came in return.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there with him, how long Nancy and him sat in the silence. He didn’t take his eyes off TK, not until he heard a knock behind him.
“Carlitos?”
He glanced up to see his dad. “Hey.”
“Dios mio.” Gabriel ran a hand across his chin. “TK…”
“Dad?” Carlos couldn’t take Gabriel’s shock. He cleared his throat, trying to get the man’s attention. “Um, thanks for coming.” He coughed, still trying to distract from the emotions welling up. “Is that, um, my duffle bag from work?”
“Oh, of course. Yeah.” He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. “Your sergeant took you off. Said to take as long as you need. Very willing to after all you did today.”
“Oh, that’s, wow. Okay. Thanks.” Carlos ran a hand through his hair. “I guess, I, uh, should change.”
“Would be more comfortable, son.” Gabriel gave him a sad smile. “Come on. Why don’t we take a break.” He stepped closer and squeezed Carlos’s shoulder. “Follow me.”
He felt tears fill in his eyes at the thought of leaving, of having to get out of the room.
“I’ll stay,” Nancy said. “Keep an eye on him while you change. Sure he’d want you to be comfortable. Not in that cold uniform all night.”
Carlos swallowed thickly, nodded jerkily. He stood, nearly falling as his legs shook under him. His dad grabbed him and helped him up. “Sorry. Sat too long.” The lie felt ashen in his mouth, and didn’t seem to convince anyone.
“Come on, mijo. Let’s go.” He tugged his arm and pulled him out of the room. To the hall. “Son. This–”
“Thanks for bringing my clothes.” He rubbed his eyes.
“Your sergeant already knew. About TK. Said to do whatever you needed for your boyfriend.” Carlos blushed. He’d not really told many people about it all. Just Mitchell. His parents. No one else. “I didn’t correct him. Didn’t think it mattered.” He handed Carlos the duffle. “Judging by that look on your face, I think I made the right call.”
Carlos let out another shaky breath. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it together. Tears threatened to spill at any moment. He was already feeling raw. And this conversation wasn’t helping. He reached down suddenly, practically pulling the bag from his dad’s hands. “Thanks. Um, going to go change. I’ll be back.” He didn’t give his dad a chance to respond. He just took the bag and walked away, half stumbling to the bathroom.
He barely made it before the tears finally came. And god did they come. They hit hard . Leaving him gasping, barely getting the door shut behind him. He could barely see as they blurred his vision. He could barely move, his legs giving out and forcing him to the ground. He could barely breathe from the force of the sobs.
He didn’t know where it all came from.
Another lie.
God, he’d been telling himself so many lies these past months.
He missed TK.
He loved TK.
He needed TK to not die…
“Shhhh, easy mijo.”
He didn’t hear the bathroom door open. He didn’t see his dad come into the room. He didn’t notice anything until the other man was on the ground wrapping an arm around his back and pulling him in for a hug.
“It’s okay, son. It’s okay.”
Carlos never cried in front of his dad. Not like this. Could count on one hand the number of times he’d done so outside of childhood.
“Let it out. It’s okay.” Gabriel held him close, his hand coming up and running through Carlos’s hair. “I know. This is a lot. TK’s… I know, Carlitos.” His voice even hitched as he spoke, tears filling his eyes as well. “You still love him.”
Carlos tried to take a breath. It caught in his throat and made his voice come out shakier than he hoped. “Y-yes. I-I do.”
Gabriel tightened his arm around his shoulders. “I’m so sorry, mijo. I’m so so sorry.” He let Carlos cry, something Carlos wanted to be shocked by, but he could barely spare it a second thought. He could barely get it together. “I can’t imagine how this is. I can’t… If this was your mom…”
Carlos took in a shaky breath and finally found his voice. “We’re not together.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter, now, does it?”
Carlos sighed and felt more tears come. “No. I guess not.” He pulled away and scrubbed his face. “I don’t,” his breath caught in his throat, “I don’t know what to do. What if he…”
“Shh. You can’t think that. Not right now.”
“But he’s–”
“I know, mijo. I know.” He hugged Carlos tight again. “He’s in rough shape. But, he’s a fighter, right? I know he held his own against the robbers last year. He is strong. He can do this.”
“Can I?” Carlos’s voice was barely above a whisper. He didn’t mean to say that, hadn’t wanted to admit it.
“You can. You are the strongest person I know, son. You’ve been through more than I can imagine. You can do this. You can be there for him.”
“What if he doesn’t want me here? We broke up. We….”
“Do you want to be here?”
“God, yes.”
“Then, be here. And go from there. If he doesn’t want you here when he wakes up, then you deal. But, for now you’re here.”
“Nancy called me.”
“Then, she must think he would want you to be here, kid.”
Carlos let out another shaky breath. “I can’t lose him.”
“Then, let’s get you changed and back at his side.” Gabriel squeezed his arm and helped him to stand. “Come on. Let me help you, Carlitos. I want to. I…” His voice cracked and a few tears came to his eyes. “I don’t want to lose him either. I love that boy. I don’t…”
Carlos nodded. “He has that effect.”
Gabriel laughed sadly. “Apparently.” He clapped Carlos on the shoulder. “Come on. Let’s get cleaned up and back to him.” Gabriel stood first, still supporting Carlos in the process. “I’ve got you. Easy does it.” He pulled him off the floor and steadied him. “Wash your face son. I’ll grab your clothes.” He pushed Carlos towards the sink and grabbed the duffle.
Carlos sighed, trying to collect himself. He ran warm water and splashed it over his face. It didn’t help much, but cleared the tear tracks from his face at least. His dad handed him clothes and helped out of his uniform when his hands kept shaking.
“There we are,” Gabriel said once Carlos was changed. “Ready to go back?”
“No,” he answered, trying to be more honest. “But yes. I just…”
“I can’t imagine how hard all of this is,” Gabriel placed his hands on Carlos’s shoulders. “Did you know, your mother and I separated once?”
“What?” Carlos gasped. “When? I don’t ever remember that.”
“You wouldn’t.” Gabriel moved a curl out of Carlos’s face. “It was when we were engaged. We were stressed and weren’t communicating. We split up for a few months. Called off the wedding. Everything.”
Carlos swallowed thickly. “What brought you back together?”
“We loved each other. Even when we weren’t at our best. So, we started talking. Working on it. Trying.” He squeezed the back of Carlos’s neck. “Something I think you may have to do yourself.”
“But,” he cleared his throat as the emotions returned. “What if we don’t get to? What if he…” He closed his eyes, not able to finish the sentence.
“Have faith in him.” Gabriel pulled into another hug. “Come on. Let’s go back and see how he’s doing.”
Carlos took a deep breath, stealing himself for what would come next. For how bad TK was. For what would happen. In the end, it was a good thing he did. Not long after he returned to the room and his father left him, TK’s heart rate dropped too low, bringing in doctors, nurses, and somehow even more worries for Carlos.
“You’ve gotta stop being so dramatic,” his voice cracked, despite what could have been the harsh words he spoke. Everyone had finally cleared out. It was just the two of them, for the first time in months. Only, TK wasn’t awake. He was still hooked up to more machines that Carlos had ever seen in a hospital room. “I wish you could fight back right now.” His hands shook as he took TK’s in his. “I know I said I was tired of fighting, but this is worse, babe.” The name slipped out, a habit. One he hadn’t realized he missed so much.
TK remained mostly still. His hand twitched in his every now and then. It gave Carlos a false hope each time it happened. He even yelled for nurses the first time, only to be told it was just a reaction to the medication and hypothermia. Nothing to give anyone real hope.
The nurses seemed to always remind him of that. That there wasn’t much hope right now.
Especially when TK’s heart rate kept dropping. Words like arrhythmia and blood flow kept getting tossed at him. Tommy had left to go find Owen and Nancy had left to talk to the others. He was on his own for the day, trying to sort through the information. It was overwhelming. It was all he could do though. He didn’t dare move, not when the nurses came with new medication to help with the water that had settled in TK’s lungs. When they changed out the saline for warmer bags every few hours. When more blankets were brought in.
He barely moved when the others eventually showed up. His father came again, bringing food and clean clothes, not even batting an eye when it had become obvious Carlos hadn’t left the room in awhile. Had it been a day? Two? More? He didn’t know. But accepted the food and clothes. He barely ate. Barely drank. Didn’t sleep much.
Paul and Mateo eventually found their way to the ICU, Paul dragging an IV and bundled in a robe himself. Mateo looked anxious, bouncing around and asking a million questions. Carlos didn’t answer. He let Paul and Nancy handle him. Judd came at some point, pacing and fluttering around. Grace wasn’t with him. Carlos didn’t think to ask how she was doing. He cared, but he wasn’t thinking of much else.
He eventually was forced to move, to speak to someone when Tommy brought Owen back down from the mountains. He gave Carlos the same gratitude and kindness he had every other time they had met in this situation. He pulled him into a hug, told him to stay, and took over what he needed to. He filled the room with more chatter and conversations. Talking about Marjan and the craziness from the mountains.
Carlos still barely could focus on anything other than TK.
He spent the following days watching and waiting. Even when the others eventually left. Even when Owen eventually got pulled away with hurried explanations of Grace missing and being in labor somewhere in the cold. Carlos couldn’t leave. He knew he could have helped more out there, but, he couldn’t bring himself to. Not when TK was shaking and trembling under his hands. Not when the nurses were slowly but surely weaning him off the vent, seeing if he could survive without it. Not when they still weren’t even sure if he’d survive any of this.
Carlos stayed waiting. And hoping.
It couldn’t be the end, right?