Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You can stay in here for the time being. I'll get you some clothes in a bit. You can just rest for now I guess. Oh, and the bathroom is just next to this room," Jesse says, showing me around their place.

Oddly enough, their house is basically connected to the order hall, meaning they live less than a five-minute walk from all their work. I personally think it's weird that they do that to begin with, but adding me as an extra roommate, always so close to you and your job... A bit weird.

I won’t even be their only roommate! Radar has a room down this same hall because Jesse's nice enough to have a place for their intern I guess.

Why did they agree to let me stay here either way? Was it an impulse decision?

I remember saying just hours earlier that I needed to get back to the Underneath, to see Xara, but I'm just... Not going there.

There was a rushed thought that ran through my head immediately after saying that. I can't go back. I can barely tell why that went through my head, all I know is that the voice was right, I couldn't go back, at least not yet.

I still don't know why it was right though.

I stand still, staying just inside the doorway of the room I was shown. Taking a small glance behind me, I see that Jesse has left. Weren't they just here? Just a second ago, right?

A look of worry washed over my face at the realization that I was alone. Again.

I glance back forward, seeing where I'll be staying for a while. It's a simple room, small but functional with a large bed, small table, and closet on the left wall.

The room seems big with only a couple pieces of furniture inside. This room was probably meant to be filled with a person’s items, their storage and other decorations, but I don't have anything to fill it with. I'm so used to being able to summon objects whenever I want that I haven't really had at 'personal objects' since maybe even before getting my powers.

I walk into the room more and hesitantly sit down on the edge of the bed. How could Jesse be so nice as to do this for me? After all that I've done? After the destruction of their precious town and after hurting their citizens and friends?

I don't deserve even half of this.

How could I be trusted like this? Sure I'm 'harmless' as they put it, but isn't it obvious that most everyone hates me? It's evident in many of their close friends that I'm not liked or trusted by them. And I'm especially disliked within Beacontown.

With a sigh I lay on the bed, I may hate this idea of having a room to myself in someone else's house, but I need to get over it quickly...

Chapter Text

I believe that comfort is something everyone deserves, whether it comes from an object, a person, or something else entirely, it's necessary.

I can't remember the last time I was comforted...

So now, here I'm stood, haphazardly wrapping bandages around fresh cuts at such an ungodly hour that I can't believe I'm still awake. I don't even remember the last time I slept properly anyways.

I guess it's not like this is the first time I've been in this situation.

It's been just over a week now that I've been staying with Jesse and Radar. Just over a week that my pathetic self has been allowed to stay in Beacontown while I gain the courage to go back to the Underneath.

I don't want to go back.

There are too many memories, too much guilt. And the fact that I'll have to see Xara after so many years... I just don't think I could do it. I don't even know if she knows I'm still alive. Either way, she probably wants me dead, right? I've overheard her need for revenge over me, so I should just do it for her? If she nor Jesse has killed me yet, then why don't I?

... I don't know why I haven't tried yet.

I sigh, finishing wrapping the bandages and looking up into the mirror. I stare into my tired, grey eyes, trying my best to ignore the shadowed figures moving behind me. I see them most when I'm distressed like this.

I wipe at my eyes and run a hand through my hair. Its previous glowing red form has turned darker and the roots are just beginning to grow back, back to their natural black again.

I'll need some hair dye soon.

I frown, just deciding to leave the bathroom and try my hand at sleeping for a few hours before morning. Flipping off the lights, I turn the door handle and open the door as quietly as possible.

I shoot a glance down the hall towards Radar's room to make sure he won't hear anything before shuffling down to the door on my right. Slipping inside, I'm faced with the room I've come to know too well recently.

Even within a week, nothing has changed within the room. The only evidence that anyone was here at all is the bunched-up bed sheets and a few articles of clothing on the floor.

I rarely leave this room anymore.

I guess leave sometimes... I go to the bathroom, obviously, and I hang out in the kitchen most mornings, usually just to grab some water and occasionally food just to sneak away just before Jesse and Radar wake up for the day.

Even though I technically live with both of them, I rarely see them. I've actively avoided both of them, and they haven't seemed to notice. They even seemed surprised the other morning when they caught me at the kitchen table.

It's like they forgot I existed.

Another sigh is let out as I head over to the small closet I was given. Only a dozen or so articles of clothing are stored in there since I've refused any request to go out and get more that are specific to my size. I couldn't go outside if I wanted to. They all hate me.

I pick out one of the few hoodies inside, pulling it out and tugging it over my head. Satisfied that I was able to cover the bandages, I head over to the bed, tuck myself under the covers, and close my eyes, hoping for at least a little bit of sleep before I get woken up by my own nightmares.

Chapter Text

Where am I

Oh god. Where am I?

I breathe heavily, wrapping my arms around my stomach to stop myself from throwing up.

Where am I?

"You're in you're room,"

I'm in my room?

Who was that?

I squint and look around the room, searching for who could have said that. It sounded like it was from someone in front of me, but I'm all alone in the room.

"You're stupid to be looking," a deeper voice says, causing me to now look to where that voice was heard.

There's no one there. 

Maybe I am stupid.

The sound of a door slamming followed by frantic voices is heard. I flinch and slam my hands over my ears at the sound.

Why. Why? What was that?

Looking over through now teary eyes, I don't see anything out of the ordinary near the door.

What was that?

"It was a door dumbass,"

"Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter,"

A whimper falls from my lips and my tears begin to fall.

"Pathetic,"

More voices whisper, coming from different directions now, making it harder to differentiate voices outside of the tone being used.

"Stop looking at that door," a deep voice says. I obey, looking ahead towards the closet instead.

"Open the window," an oddly familiar female voice says.

I stand up slowly, staggering over to pry open the window.

"Look outside, see if anyone's awake," I shake my head, internally refusing to look. I turn away, acknowledging the cool night air that's let in the room, blowing the curtains slightly.

Why am I feeling this way anyway?

"No one cares,"

"Someone's awake. They can hear you,"

I hold my breath for a second, trying to hear past the voices to if there was anyone out in the hall.

I don't hear anyone.

The voices continue, doing whatever they want to degrade me.

I feel like I've heard those voices before... They were less common, but they were heard occasionally. These past few days have been filled with people and voices that I thought I left behind when I was twenty-five.

It was happily quiet inside my head when I had my powers.

"Don't you wish you were like that again?"

What? Do I wish I could have my powers back?

... I don't know.

My quiet sobs continue, and I push myself against the headboard of the bed. I keep my eyes shut and ears covered to try and calm myself, at least a little bit.

"What are you even doing awake right now? It's so late,"

Where is everyone? Is there somebody who will help me?

I never had anyone to comfort me after hurting my friends the way that I did. I guess I never deserved it after...

"Yeah, you don't deserve help. Murderer,"

But what about Jesse? If they were nice enough to let me live with them, then surely they'd be at least a little bit ok with helping me, right?

"No they won't. They hate you,"

"Why did you think they'd care about you?"

Damn

Here I am, probably one of the oldest people still alive in this world, and I can't even take care of myself. I've lived for centuries, learning of ways to run the world I stand on however I want, and yet, now I can't even go a day without living out some trauma-influenced nightmare.

I know I never had a good home life, but knowing that some things that have happened stuck with me this long? God damnit...

"You're so pathetic,"

I know.

I run my fingers through my hair, tugging through knots of fried hair from all my time dyeing it all those years ago. I occasionally grab fistfuls of my hair pulling at it a bit. It's nothing serious, just a mild discomfort that's luckily managing to ground me.

I'm not doing too good.

I pull my hands away from my hair, now wiping at the tear streaks on my face, drying what was leftover. The voices have gotten quieter, quiet enough for me to caln down and try to rest again.

I slowly tuck myself under the blankets, covering myself up, curling into a comfy position, and shutting my eyes for another few hours of sleep until dawn.

Chapter Text

It's one of those mornings.

I've been getting those too often, those mornings where I wake up from a sleep that couldn't have lasted more than a couple of hours and just head out into the kitchen to see what I could start the morning with.

I fumble around, looking through the fridge and cabinets to see if I want anything for food today. My now constantly empty stomach begs for any food it can get, but I don't know if I want anything.

"It's poisoned," they've been saying. I try to ignore it.

I get myself a glass of water and some random ass bread roll I found and just decide to sit down and try to eat.

I don't eat it.

I just stare.

"Why aren't you eating?"

"Don't eat it. Poison,"

Will it be like this forever?

The half-empty glass of water sits in one hand and the uneaten roll of bread is in the other

I barely remember even grabbing these things anymore.

Why don't I remember?

Am I really here?

"Someone's here!"

"Oh, Romeo, fancy seeing you here," my head shoots up at the sound of Jesse's voice. They're walking out from the connected hallway with Radar not too far behind.

I hadn't even realized it was their time to wake up, I could have sworn I had more time before they'd be awake.

"How are you doing? It's been a bit since I've seen you out of your room," they said, looking over towards me while grabbing something from inside the fridge.

"I'm fine," I grumble, poking at the bread a bit, finally ripping off a small piece and putting it in my mouth. It's the first thing I've eaten in two days. Wow.

"Well then, what do you think about going out some time? The three of us could go out, get you some stuff and let you get some fresh air. You're looking a little pale," they say, pointing it out how I haven't left the house within the few weeks I've been here.

"They're going to hurt you,"

"Why do you care all of a sudden?" I say, immediately going on the defensive, "It's been almost a month, Jesse. If you really cared you would have said something earlier,"

They're silent for a moment. "I'm sorry," they mumble, "I should go now," I frown and look down, only looking back up when I heard the front door being closed. With Jesse and Radar out for today's work, I'll be alone for a while.

----

A knock on the door of the room pulls me out of my thoughts and I glance over to the door.

"Hey, Romeo? You in there? I got you some stuff and I was just wondering if I could come in real quick,"

What the hell could they have gotten me?

"Um- Yeah you can,"

They slowly open the door and come into the room with a large plastic bag in their other hand. I turn slightly from where I'm sitting on the bed to look back at them.

"Can I turn on the light?" They ask, hand hovering over the switch. I suddenly realize just how dark I've been keeping this room. The light has only actually been switched on a few times within my time here, and I've kept the window curtains only open enough to let in minimal light.

"I don't want it on,"

"Too bright,"

I nod anyway, squinting my eyes at the sudden light. It's expected, but not too pleasant.

Jesse comes inside the room fully, walking up to the bed and placing the plastic bag in front of me.

"I won't bother you too much, I just wanted to get you some stuff after our conversation this morning," I didn't think our conversation this morning was all that impactful but ok I guess.

"All of that is yours," they nod and turn to leave, before stopping just before the door.

"I-I noticed the bandages on your wrists earlier," I tense up.

"They know! They know too much,"

"Just... Let me know if you need anything. I'm sorry for not paying attention, Radar's sorry too" they sigh, looking back at me before turning the knob and leaving me alone in this room to unpack the bag.

What the fuck.

I hesitate before looking into the bag, pulling out the first item which was a large-sized first-aid kit. I guess they don't want me to die. Whatever.

The next thing I pulled out was a package of red hair dye. How convenient. Must have read my damn mind.

The last thing that got pulled out was something of a big surprise to me, a blanket. Sure I have a blanket on the bed already, but this seems different. It's a gift. It's pretty large and is a black and red plaid pattern. The blanket's more like the kind you'd keep by a couch for if you get cold while watching tv, rather than a blanket you'd find on most beds, but it's nice.

I even crack a small smile.

This small gift of a blanket, hair dye, and first aid kit has been the first genuine act of care I've been given in over a century. I haven't felt this amount of care since before.. before Fred...

I still miss him.

"Murderer,"

The happiness I felt was shot down almost immediately with the thought of Fred. I regret killing him, I really do.

"Sure you do. Idiot,"

As much as I used to wish I could go back, I always stopped myself. I had all the time in the world, literally, and I still never went back to change my actions.

"Worthless murderer. Should've been locked up,"

"Kill yourself,"

I sigh, trying to move my thoughts away from Fred. It's already getting too much, especially with those damn voices.

I take the blanket from in my hands and carefully wrap it around my shoulders, tightening it around my body.

It's comforting, more than I expected it to be.

With an almost sad smile, I take the other items and the now empty bag and put it on the floor at the edge of the bed. Hugging the blanket tighter, I allow myself to lay down, entering a long, calm sleep for the first time in centuries.