Chapter Text
When Chuuya saw him for the first time, he noticed absolutely nothing special about the boy. He was about his height, had brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin - he didn’t appear to be anything special. Chuuya almost overlooked him.
This wasn't because Chuuya was inattentive - at least he wouldn't describe himself as such - rather, the boy was so inconspicuous that it was hard not to overlook him. He wasn't even sure the boy wanted to be seen at all. It didn't seem that way, at least - as he sat on the sidelines, not moving at all, or moving with such small movements that it wasn’t possible for Chuuya’s eyes to recognize or detect it. All the boy did was observe. Everything that was happening around him - the other children frolicking across the playground, the birds picking up breadcrumbs and dancing around benches, the parents sitting at a table talking. All of this he seemed to be observing, and yet Chuuya wasn't sure he was aware of anything around him at all. It was far too confusing and, actually, he didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about this strange child sitting there all alone.
And his eyes - Chuuya had rarely seen eyes so empty, so lackluster. Thinking about it for a bit longer, it occurred to him that he had probably never seen eyes like that before.
Because now that Chuuya had noticed him - he couldn't take his eyes off the other. Not even when one of his friends hit him in the head with a ball because Chuuya hadn't been paying attention; all he could do was shake his head and apologize for his inattention, only to find himself being distracted by that boy again not five minutes later.
He looked lonely, Chuuya thought. And if even he, as a seven-year-old, noticed something like that, then it must be very bad indeed.
Chuuya had a problem. He wanted to ignore the boy, really wanted to, but - he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, it was impossible for him to avert his gaze, at least not for an extended period of time. He knew how it was when one was lonely. When nobody wanted to play with you.
The first time he saw him, he tried to ignore him. When he saw him for the second time, a few days later, sitting on the same bench at the same playground as before, he couldn't help but watch him. And when he saw him for the third time, he couldn't stand it anymore - determined, he trudged straight towards him.
But even when he finally came to a stop right in front of him, the boy just stared at him. He didn't say anything, his expression didn't change a bit - he just stared, lifeless like one of these creepy dolls his grandmother collected.
Chuuya now had second-thoughts. Maybe the boy wanted to be left alone, and maybe he would get mad at him for invading his personal space like that. Then, though, he decided that he didn’t care.
“Hey, you. What’s up with you?”
When the boy didn’t answer, Chuuya crossed his arms and glared at him.
“You’re always just sitting on this stupid bench, watching us play. You do realize that you can just ask if you wanna play with us, right?”
Though Chuuya was pretty sure the other boy did not want to play with them, he still wasn’t quite sure what else to say. And confronting others was always easier than asking them what was wrong. Besides, they were boys and boys didn’t just go around and sweetly ask if one was feeling alright.
But the boy with those empty eyes remained silent, he just kept looking, if not staring, at him. It irritated him.
“Hey, are you deaf or mute or something?”
As the boy didn't answer, Chuuya suddenly felt stupid - maybe he actually was mute. Or deaf. His stomach twitched and he couldn’t help it- Now he felt bad, almost guilty - he hadn't wanted to antagonise him like that. Besides, it didn't help anyone. He didn't want to seem ableist either. Oh man, he really was a huge idiot.
“Oh, are you actually, like, deaf or mute or something? I'm- I didn't mean to offend you.”
The word "sorry" didn't come easily to his lips. It wasn't because he wasn't sorry - it was just… he never really apologized, even if he was. His mother usually said he was just too proud for it, a false, out of place sort of pride. Chuuya always disagreed, argued with her - but in the end, he couldn’t truly deny it. That didn’t stop him from trying, though.
The boy just kept staring at him and gradually Chuuya started to cross his arms, growing annoyed.
So he began to gesticulate and speak as clearly as possible, in the naïve, childish hope that this would make the other person magically understand him.
“My name is Chuuya. Nakahara Chuuya. And yours?”
The boy, however, only blinked and Chuuya started to feel irritated. This was pointless, wasn't it? Why was he trying so hard?
But he couldn't just give up, now, either. So he decided to simply sit down next to the boy, even though he heard his friends calling for him, saw them waving their hands. They could wait for a bit longer or start without him.
“Well, whatever.”
And in silence they sat there together on the bench for what felt like an eternity. Chuuya started to grow bored but he was too stubborn to give up now. He wasn’t even sure why he cared so much. He could’ve just called it a day by now, couldn’t he?
But Chuuya was a determined kid. So he continued sitting there in silence, arms crossed in front of his chest and his legs swinging.
Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he was a bit too proud sometimes, a bit too stubborn. But oh, the sweet denial was something he most definitely prefered over admitting to his faults and flaws. Not like he had that many.
But after what felt like hours he was about to give up when, suddenly, a quiet voice rang out right next to him. He almost overheard it.
“What do you want?”
Chuuya quickly turned to face him and was surprised to see that the boy had turned his head towards him in order to penetrate him with his gaze. He should’ve felt uncomfortable but the feeling of victory was too overwhelming.
He smiled.
“Hey, so you can talk!”
“Of course I can. I never said I couldn’t.”
“Well, yeah, you could’ve said something sooner!”
The boy remained silent and instead seemed to search for something in his face, practically scanning it. It was weird and Chuuya couldn’t help but to raise an eyebrow.
“What do you want?” The boy repeated and Chuuya drew his eyebrows together as he stared at him. The boy was strange after all.
“What's your name?” He asked instead and the boy finally showed some emotion, or something that was close enough, he raised an eyebrow himself.
“Dazai Osamu,” he then said, softly. Chuuya could not deny that he was surprised. He hadn't really expected an answer. But still, his chest filled with pride and euphorically he nodded, before trying not to look like a small, hyper child. Because he wasn't. He was only seven, but that also meant he was practically an adult. And that in turn meant he couldn't act like a little kid.
That was why he suppressed swinging his legs euphorically and instead sat up a little bit straighter.
“See? Answering a question isn’t that hard, now, is it? It's nice to meet you, Osamu,” Chuuya said instead, copying the way the grown-ups he knew introduced themselves, and offered Osamu a hand. The boy only looked at it, though, and as he started to grow impatient, he simply grabbed the other's hand in order to shake it quickly. The boy seemed surprised, if not startled, by that, something Chuuya deliberately ignored.
“So, you come here often?” Chuuya tilted his head a bit, Osamu now turning his way completely. The boy seemed to think about his question so Chuuya tried to remain patient and not push him for an answer. “Sometimes,” Osamu finally said, “when my nannies aren’t paying attention to me.”
Chuuya cackled.
“Nannies? What are you, five? My parents leave me unsupervised for several hours in a row!”
“I’m seven, actually.”
“And yet you still need a nanny. What a child!”
Osamu looked at him before turning away again, obviously deciding to remain silent now. Chuuya, not wanting to scare the other boy off again, instead decided to change the topic. But not before trying to undo the damage he might have caused.
“I mean, to be fair, some parents are a bit strict. It’s not your fault that yours treat you like a baby. I’m also seven, by the way! When’s your birthday?”
Osamu blinked again.
“19th of June,” the boy slowly said. Chuuya grinned.
“Oh, really? That means I’m older! I was born on the 29th of April.”
Osamu said nothing in reply and Chuuya decided to leave the subject alone for the time being.
“Where is your nanny?” he asked instead and began to look around. Every time he saw this boy at this place, the boy was alone. Usually he left before he saw Osamu leave, and if he came to the playground, he was already there. And he had never seen an adult around him. “I ran away,” the boy finally replied in a low voice and Chuuya leaned towards him a little, hoping he would understand him better. Why did he have to speak so softly too? Chuuya couldn’t stand quiet kids. Well, no, that wasn’t true. It wasn’t like he minded it, he could talk a lot so being around someone that just decided to listen instead of trying to talk over him was pretty nice sometimes. Still, it got boring quickly. If Chuuya wanted to have a conversation with himself, he’d do so. And if someone was as quiet as this kid seemed to be, Chuuya always had to pay special attention to them to make sure he wasn’t being too much again, which was also quite exhausting. Chuuya almost sighed. What was he getting himself into again? It was true that he was more of a troublemaker - but it wasn’t like he was deliberately trying to get himself into such situations. He magically attracted the problems, he was virtually a problem magnet.
One second, ran away?
“Oh, really?”
“Yes.”
“Isn't your nanny worried?”
“I don't care.”
“Hm. You shouldn’t scare adults like that, what are you, a child?” Chuuya shook his head, disapprovingly, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that, in the end, that was pretty cool. Running away and stuff. He was almost jealous, though he was too responsible to pull off a stunt like that. He hated worrying his parents. “Well, whatever. Let's play something while you're here!”
The boy was silent again and Chuuya sighed before crossing his arms in front of his chest. The boy was just as stubborn it seemed, but Chuuya was more stubborn. Accordingly, he stood up.
“Come on, now. If you're going to run away, it should be worth it, shouldn't it?”
There was silence, so Chuuya decided to grab the boy by the sleeve and pull him to his feet.
“Come on, up you go, don’t be lazy!”
The boy's vacant eyes suddenly didn't seem so empty, so cold - no, instead they widened and he looked almost confused, surprised even, something Chuuya stamped as a victory.
“Do you like sliding?”
Osamu merely shrugged, not sure what to say back, that much was obvious and Chuuya was about to massage his temples in annoyance. This boy really was very quiet. But whatever, Chuuya had a mission now - even if he wasn't sure why he cared so much. Actually, he couldn't care less about this boy, at least that’s what he should’ve been thinking.
But now Chuuya was already engaging with him which meant he was going to see it through, come what may.
“No.”
Chuuya stopped - he had already been about to drag him to the slide, but if he didn't like sliding, then it was probably a waste of time. Inwardly, he was amazed that the boy hadn't broken free yet. Chuuya didn't like being dragged around, but the boy didn't really seem to have a problem with it.
“What, alright. What about swinging?”
“I don't like it either.”
“What, why not? I like to swing.”
He cleared his throat briefly.
"I know it's really a kid's activity, but it's still a lot of fun. The higher you get, the more exciting it is. For a moment I always feel like I'm flying."
Actually, he hadn't told anyone that before - he didn't want to seem like a little kid - or even worse, cheesy - when he said something like that.
He didn’t want to seem like an idiot, like a dreamer, like someone who was immature. He didn’t want others to make fun of him, or to appear as an optimistic, childish idiot. He never had told anyone how he felt about the swings, never told anyone how he felt like he was flying, sliding through the air and for a blink of an eye, the brick of a moment, he was free, he was defying gravity.
And Chuuya very much appreciated and needed his freedom, needed to be able to do whatever he wanted. He couldn’t stand it when people told him what to do - neither his parents nor anyone else.
Chuuya wouldn't describe himself as a kid who pretended to be someone he wasn’t, or who lied about what he liked and disliked, someone who wasn’t honest and upfront - but, probably, in the end, he couldn't deny that he did just that. Something that was quite important to him was to belong. He wanted to have a place, wanted to be a part of something. This desire was not unusual for a child, or for a person per se, or so he thought. Everyone wanted to belong. And sometimes that meant presenting oneself in a certain way.
And that's what he did. He was the mature one, the strong one, the born leader. He was the one who got rid of the spiders, who climbed the highest climbing frames, who went first in the dark.
That he himself was scared sometimes, he could not show that under any circumstances. That he was also afraid of spiders or that even he sometimes felt uncomfortable at certain heights, no one could know. No one could know that he was also not comfortable walking through the dark. But someone had to do it.
And that someone was him.
Because of that - just because of that - Chuuya was now even more confused, irritated by himself, that he had admitted that without any problems. Maybe his openness was due to the fact that the other boy, that Osamu seemed to be so quiet. He didn't talk much, and somehow he radiated an almost eerie calm.
Chuuya was sure that he was thinking much more than he was talking, believed that there was a lot going on in his head that he was unwilling - or maybe even unable - to share.
But Chuuya was a petulant child now, so he didn't particularly care what the other wanted or didn't want.
“And you really don't like the swings?” he finally asked, when even after several moments of silence no answer came from the younger one - not that Chuuya was really surprised, but he was a bit offended.
Hadn't his parents taught him any manners? You didn't just ignore someone, especially if that person was nice enough to deign to spend time with you. Inwardly, Chuuya could only shake his head - well, not only inwardly.
“No,” Osamu repeated, “I don't like it.”
“Can you swing at all?”
Silence.
Now Chuuya turned to the boy, who didn't seem to be looking at him. He was eyeing something at his feet, perhaps the ground, and Chuuya raised an eyebrow before he began to grin.
“What, you can't swing? What are you, a kid?”
The fact that they were both children, he ignored quite studiously at this point.
And thus, he made a decision. Chuuya didn't even think much about it anymore as he pulled Osamu - under constant observation of his friends, something he deliberately ignored - to the swings, still holding the other's sleeve tightly.
Osamu didn't resist which probably meant that, after all, he couldn't find it all that bad. Chuuya was sure that the younger one actually wanted to play, but didn't dare to. He couldn't blame him. Chuuya could be quite intimidating.
They finally came to a stop in front of the swings. It was a plain model, not particularly beautiful, but it did the job. Chuuya liked this swing very much. One swing was a little higher than the other, probably so that older children could still swing on it. Chuuya liked to hop up on those.
“Now. Sit down,” he instructed the younger boy, who stood rooted to the spot beside him, letting go of his sleeve. “Come on, Osamu. Come on, get up there.”
The boy looked at him, only for a brief moment without moving, before lowering his gaze again. Chuuya sighed.
“Come on. I won't laugh at you, I promise. We all had to learn it at some point.”
Hesitantly, the boy sat down on the swing and Chuuya nodded, glad that he finally seemed to be cooperating.
“There you go. So.”
He hopped onto the swing next to Osamu, imagining that he looked very cool and relaxed, if not at ease. Osamu watched him.
“Alright, just look at me and I'll show you how to do it. So, first you have to lean forward like this with your upper body,” and Chuuya leaned forward with his upper body, “and your legs have to go backwards while you do it,” he demonstrated, “and then when you swing forward, you have to go backwards with your upper body,” and he leaned backwards, “and your legs have to stretch out,” Chuuya stretched out his legs, “see? And you repeat that until you're rocking fast enough that you have a real tempo in it. And that tempo is good because-”
Chuuya looked at Osamu and just barely stifled a laugh.
“What are you doing?”
The younger boy slid back and forth on the swing as he awkwardly swung his legs. Chuuya turned away so the boy wouldn't see him chuckle, after all he had promised not to laugh and he was keen on keeping his promises. In one fluid motion, he hopped off the swing and landed safely on his two short legs.
“Wait, wait, stop. You're doing this all wrong.”
Osamu had his eyebrows drawn together, whether in concentration or frustration, Chuuya didn't know, but he liked the expression. It made him seem a little more alive. Chuuya thought he should do that more often. Looking alive.
“You have to, well,” he stood behind the boy, “I'll give you momentum, you practice the moves, okay?”
The boy didn't reply, but Chuuya was sure he understood. All he had to do was move his legs and his upper body.
Chuuya gave his back a gentle push and Osamu flinched.
“What?”
No answer.
He tried again, this time there was no response.
And so they practiced - awkwardly Osamu trying to match his movements, to copy what he had seen Chuuya do before, and Chuuya correcting him as nicely as he could.
Chuuya didn't even notice how much time passed, as if in a flash.
But then Chuuya stopped giving him prodding, because gradually Osamu had it figured out. Chuuya began grinning triumphantly and bouncing around the swing.
“I'm telling you, it's not that hard! Look at you, you can do it!”
Osamu had his eyes wide as if he couldn't quite believe it himself. He was swinging. And then-
The corners of his mouth twisted into a smile before he started laughing. Bubbly and honest.
Chuuya couldn't help but stare.
He didn't know what it was- couldn't completely interpret it- maybe it was the way the corners of the boy's mouth pulled up, the way his entire face brightened, maybe it was the boy's laugh itself, so honest, so open, so unbehaved, so... unexpected. Suddenly he seemed much younger, seemed like a genuine child. The way he seemed to literally beam at Chuuya - Chuuya couldn't tear himself away from it even if he tried.
And it was contagious. He couldn't help it - the laughter literally stole from his lips and he bursted out laughing.
“I did it, look, I'm swinging!”
It was far from perfect - a little bumpy, a little awkward, but it was ... something.
“Look at you, you did it!”
Excited, Chuuya began to run around the swings, laughing as well.
The two boys spent quite a while on the swings, laughing and competing. A single problem arose later - when it was time to leave, Osamu didn't know how to make the swing stop. Chuuya, meanwhile, simply jumped down and encouraged Osamu to do the same. However, when he tried, he hesitated a second too much and fell down instead - he hit his knee, but laughed nonetheless. Chuuya was mesmerized.
When Chuuya saw him for the first time, he noticed absolutely nothing special about the boy. He was about his height, had brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin - he didn't appear to be anything special. Chuuya almost overlooked him.
But now - now Chuuya would always notice him first. Every time he went to the playground, he scanned the entire area for the boy. Most of the time he waited for Chuuya at the bench, but there were days when he wasn't there. Sometimes he didn't show up for several days and Chuuya almost thought he might have forgotten him, but just then he reappeared and grinned at him with a grin at which he couldn't be angry at all (not that he didn't try, but he had to learn quickly that Dazai Osamu was as unpredictable as a mystical force usually is). Soon they were inseparable; they were best friends, had sworn to each other that they would remain so forever. They weren’t just playground buddies anymore, even though in all these - four - weeks of being friends, they hadn’t ever left the playground before.
They kept to themselves, most of the time at least, playing on the swings (“Wow, I never thought it would be so much fun!”-“I told you- it’s like flying!”-“It really is.”) at first. Over time, though, they started to think of themselves as adventurers. The playground had lots of ground to discover, after all, and they were determined to find every single thing there is to discover. Through this, Chuuya found out that Osamu didn’t mind insects. He found them to be fascinating. Chuuya also found out that, when he was given time to open up, he was a very bubbly and funny, if not even sometimes a bit clumsy kid with poor social skills and the brightest eyes he’s ever seen. Chuuya found out that Osamu was a smart child as well, already capable of solving advanced mathematical problems Chuuya couldn’t even try to understand yet, reading faster than any other child he’s ever met before. Osamu could both write and read characters within seconds that Chuuya didn't know, and sometimes they would flip through a newspaper together that Chuuya had stolen from his father. Osamu would read it to him and Chuuya would pretend he already knew what was written there because he didn't want to admit that Osamu was better at something than him. He would sometimes spend nights memorizing the various characters, and one time his mother caught him almost obsessively scribbling their names over and over again on a piece of paper. When he saw Osamu the next day, he asked him how to write his name (“It’s not that hard. ‘Osamu’ is written with the kanji character for ‘reign’, and you’d write ‘Dazai’ with the characters for ‘thick’ and ‘rule’.”-“That’s funny, it doesn’t suit you at all!”-“Now what’s that supposed to mean?”-“Well, you’re neither sturdy nor a ruler!”) in order to learn how to write it perfectly as well.
Chuuya also soon found out that Osamu wasn’t good with playing in groups. When he tried to get his friends and Osamu to get along, to play together, it was a mess. Osamu completely shut down and his friends ended up going home early. After that, Chuuya hadn’t asked them to play together anymore, and he spent most of his time with Osamu. That was more fun for him anyway, though he couldn’t help but feel an unpleasant sting in his chest whenever he saw his old friends. He pretended not to care, though.
But they couldn’t be confined to the playground forever - especially not during the rainy season. That’s when they decided to hang out at one of their places. It was a lot of debating and arguing; Chuuya wasn’t allowed to bring friends home for now due to the last time his friends stayed overnight and they ended up desolating the living room, and Osamu said he wasn’t comfortable with taking someone home with him. But, in the end, he gave in.
And then, finally, Chuuya's first home visit to his new friend was due.