Work Text:
The barrage of footsteps on the floor were absolutely deafening.
The sight of Dazai ignoring work to laze around on his designated couch was rather ordinary at this point. The man was known to be lazy, after all. But the sight of the man pacing in front of his couch, clearly in deep thought?
That was clearly one of the first signs of impending doom.
It was a day like any other. It was a weekday, which meant that Kunikida was rushing to ensure that everything went according to his schedule. The other Agency employees were busy doing their own work. All except Dazai. Which, as mentioned, was nothing new. But the fact he was pacing, looking so distressed; that was certainly a matter of serious concern.
The first one to approach the ticking time bomb- uh, the detective-, was the resident weretiger. Atsushi walked over to his mentor while the latter was in the midst of glaring at the window; his footsteps light, and his hands shaking just a little due to his nerves.
He cleared his throat, "Um, Dazai-san. Are you alright?"
His mentor paused in his step, considering that, "I'd suppose so. Thank you, Atsushi-kun."
That was all he said before he went right back to pacing across the office floor, his hands folded, his coat trailing behind him. He clearly didn't want to talk about it. Atsushi had no other choice but to leave him be, and go back to finishing his reports.
Over the next few minutes, this cycle continued. Dazai kept pacing, and the Agency members took turns in their attempts to intercept him, and maybe get answers as to what was wrong. As expected, the currently troubled detective just thanked them for his concern before going right back to eroding the floor with his heavy footsteps.
After quite a while, the steps stopped when the Agency's doctor burst out of the infirmary. Yosano stalked over to her co-worker, "God fucking hell, Dazai. Can you stop that?! It's like a freaking army march in here."
Dazai scrunched up his nose dramatically, clearly feeling easier around the woman, "I'm sorry my concerns are too noisy for you, Yosano-sensei."
Ranpo chose this moment to enter the office, arms overflowing with a variety of snacks, "Hm. What's going on?"
Yosano turned to face the genius, her hand pointing towards the idiotic genius, "Dazai won't stop pacing in here. Something about having concerns or whatever."
Ranpo looked over at the other, "Concerns, you say?" After considering the situation for a few seconds, he snapped his fingers, "Oh, I see! You're finally going to ask out Nakahara, isn't that it?"
Regular high school teachers would be very pleased with the pin-drop silence that enveloped the room. Considering Kunikida used to be a math teacher, did it make him happy as well?
Clearly not.
The former math teacher was rather quick to stand up from his desk, "Nakahara as in the Mafia Executive?"
Ranpo nodded as he put away his snacks, "Mr. Fancy Hat, yeah. It's obvious Dazai is in love with him or whatever, so he's been stressing out about finally asking him out. Isn't that correct?"
Dazai sighed as he finally, finally stopped pacing and slumped over his desk, "Absolutely right."
From the desk next to him, Atsushi peeked at his mentor, "Um. You intend to ask out your ex-partner on a date?"
Looking up at the boy, Dazai insisted, "I want to ask Chuuya on a date."
There was silence as his co-workers considered that. Sure, everybody knew of Dazai's previous affiliations with the Mafia. But it's been almost five years since he left that life behind. Everyone was also aware of his former partnership with the now Mafia Executive. But going back to him to be in a relationship? Wasn't such a thing unforeseen and hence disastrous!
Dazai could clearly pick up on the mixed feelings emanating from his wonderful colleagues. Deciding that they were clearly not of any help, he tried to stand up again, "Right, I'll just figure it out myself then."
Tried, because Yosano pushed him back down onto the couch immediately, "No. No more pacing. We'll help you figure out something."
Atsushi looked up at the doctor, "We... will?"
Kunikida started, "I don't think that's a g-"
Yosano cut him off, insisting, "We will. You don't want the floor to give away, do you? Because it seriously will, at this rate."
Dazai complained, "I'm not pacing that much. You're exaggerating, Sensei."
The doctor shot him a glare, "My surgical instruments were rattling in there, so I beg to differ. Anyway, we'll help you, so let's just make a plan already."
Kunikida sighed heavily, accepting his fate for today. Clearly, his schedule was going to be ignored; as everyone put their energy into helping out Dazai in this very important mission he had taken upon himself. Asking out the Executive and not getting crushed by gravity. Of course, it was a grave mission that required serious planning!
Everyone spent the next couple of minutes to gather around Dazai's desk. Kenji, who had been awoken by Kyouka, was there as well; the two of them sitting together in the back of the huddle. Yosano and Ranpo were up front, as expected. Kunikida and Atsushi were just next to them, albeit rather reluctantly. As for the Tanizaki siblings; they'd left a while ago, doing their own thing as usual.
Yosano started the 'meeting' with banging her palm on the desk, "Right! The meeting starts then. Our target is Nakahara Chuuya. Ranpo, lay out details about the target."
Atsushi murmured, "Oh, this is... An actual meeting, I guess." He received an impressed and exasperated look from his idealist co-worker; the blonde clearly over this whole situation already.
Meanwhile, Ranpo actually obliged, "Right. Mr. Fancy Hat. Twenty two years old, 160 centimetres, wears a hat to look taller, has great taste for expensive wine, is also a huge fan of hats, is known to dislike Dazai very much. That's all I have at the moment."
Dazai snorted next to him, "Don't let him hear you call him short. He flies into a rage like the dog he is."
Yosano pointed at Kunikida, "Don't you want to write this down? The fact that Nakahara Chuuya is a dog?"
Kunikida might not be resistant to the bullshit Dazai somehow got him to write, but he was clearly resistant to being duped by the doctor. He raised his hand and shook his head, "I'll pass, thank you very much."
Somewhere ahead of him, Dazai whispered to the doctor, unheard by anyone else, "You're totally trolling him, aren't you?"
Yosano whispered right back, a sly grin gracing her features, "Trolling is such an unfair word for my actions. I'm merely helping him learn more about the enemy like the good employee I am."
Ranpo was clearly in on the joke because he snickered under his breath, while the others just sat there and wondered what the trio were whispering about. A couple more laughs later, the three of them finally turned their attention back to the meeting.
Yosano clapped her hands, "Right, so we have a fair amount of information about the target. Dazai knows him quite well too. We should have no problem planning a date."
Kunikida was very over such a ridiculous meeting, and was already secretly doing his paperwork at the back of the group. Atsushi considered doing the same; he did have to do his mentor's reports too. Said mentor would probably be busy with his date in the near future, if it all goes well. But Atsushi had a feeling that'd he'd get caught and then chewed out if he attempted to do his work, so he decided to sit still for the time being.
On the other hand, the trio in the spotlight were already planning the date. Dazai suggested thoughtfully, "What if I ask him to a restaurant?"
The doctor shook her head, "No way that will work. To suit his tastes, you'll probably have to reserve a table at a fancy restaurant like six months in advance."
Ranpo clicked his tongue, "Exactly right. But no matter what you do, the wine is a must. You should greet him with a bottle of wine before the date."
Dazai sighed exaggeratedly, "Why must you guys support his tacky taste and wine addiction? Shouldn't you be on my side!"
Yosano snorted, "We're helping you ask out a man who I fought once. We are very clearly on your side, dimwit."
The bandaged detective frowned, "Are you sure you're not friends with Chuuya? You sound ridiculously like him sometimes."
Yosano merely shrugged with an amused smile, "You know what they say. Wine-addicted, Dazai-hating minds speak the same."
Dazai pouted, clutching at his wounded heart, "Mean. So unbelievably mean, Yosano-sensei!"
The doctor rolled her eyes before changing the topic, "Anyway. Ranpo is right. You should present him with a fancy wine bottle, but when you ask him out. That'll raise your chances of getting an affirmative answer."
Kyouka spoke up softly from behind them, "Get flowers too. Chuuya-san likes flower."
Dazai snapped his fingers as he swivelled his chair to face the other former mafioso, "That's a good idea! A bouquet of a dozen red camellias, and a bottle of overpriced wine. Got it."
Ranpo hummed, "With those, what would you say is the probability of you getting a yes?"
The other genius detective tilted his head, as if he was seriously calculating probabilities in his head. Less than fifty seconds later, he nodded seriously, "It's a 50-50 chance."
Yosano frowned, "Seriously, that low? Clearly, your best bet is to propose a very fun date and sound non-infuriating while doing so."
Dazai scoffed at the implications of him ever possibly being infuriating, "I have a pretty good idea for what I want for the date. So, I just have to get the wine and flowers and then ask him, right?"
Ranpo rapped on the desk, "Ask him to come here and ask him. We'd like to see the show."
Yosano nodded, "Definitely. While we're at it, wanna bet on his answer, Ranpo-san?"
Ranpo looked at her, head cocking to the side, "But we both agree that he'll say yes, do we not?"
The doctor sighed, "You have a point. Shall we bet on how long Nakahara will go along with this?"
Dazai gaped at his co-workers, "Are you guys actually betting on my love life. The fuck?"
Obviously, he was ignored by the genius detective, who smiled slyly at the doctor, "Betting on when they'll break up? I'm in. Thousand yen that they won't ever break up."
Yosano sounded rather sure of herself when she spoke, "I give it too weeks."
Ranpo shook her hand, "If they're still together by the end of two weeks, you owe me a thousand yen."
The doctor nodded, "Deal."
The spectators of their betting show, also known as the Armed Detective Agency members just sat there and watched. It's not like they could do anything else, really. They were quite used to seeing those two colleagues of theirs bet on anything and everything possible. Yosano lost quite a lot too; how was she still going with this?! (Kunikida's theory was that she had a betting problem.)
Dazai rolled his eyes, "You two are the definition of being a menace. Anyway, I already texted Chuuya to come meet me here in fifteen minutes. So, I'll be going to get the wine and flowers now."
Kunikida muttered from somewhere behind them, "You're inviting a Mafia Executive to our office?! Such a thing..." As usual, he was ignored completely.
Yosano glared at the bandaged detective, clearly back to being invested in this matter, "Fifteen minutes?! That's nowhere near enough to get you look even 50 percent presentable! Have you not seen your rat's nest of a hair?"
Dazai just scoffed and called her a mother hen before skipping away to make his purchases. As expected, nobody was more relieved that Kunikida, who immediately went back to his desk in order to properly work on his reports. Atsushi had mixed emotions about going back to work, but he realised that it was a good idea to get work done before the Executive actually shows up.
By the time fifteen minutes were over, Dazai was still not back from his quick shopping trip. Seriously, there's a wine and flower shop literally down the street. What was taking so long?! On the other hand, unlike him, his former partner seemed to be a rather punctual man.
Chuuya entered the office exactly on the dot. He successfully managed to keep the office door intact as well! Maybe Dazai asking out such a punctual and graceful man was not a bad idea. Maybe he could even learn some punctuality, if the two of them got together! ...Yeah, Kunikida was clearly finding ridiculous reasons to accept this situation.
The gravity manipulator looked around before sighing, "Where's the bandage asshole? I had to reschedule a very important meeting for this!"
Ranpo spoke lazily from his desk, "Ah, Mr. Fancy Hat! Your person of interest is out at the moment, but don't worry. He should be here soon."
Yosano nodded, "Yep, I just texted him."
Chuuya muttered, "What person of interest. A useless, stinky fish, more like."
He said so, but then he walked over to Dazai's desk and made himself comfortable. As if the fact that he knew exactly which desk was Dazai's wasn't enough, he proceeded to arrange all the paperwork just lying around there. He also organised the drawers while he was at it, before proceeding to file all the loose papers properly.
And hence, Kunikida found another reason to be accepting of Nakahara Chuuya. A mafioso so diligent and organised; wasn't it unthinkable! But maybe Dazai will take some tips and behave in such a wonderful manner as well. A Dazai who organizes his paperwork. Kunikida could only dream.
The idealist was snapped out of his daydreams by Dazai finally walking into the office. The man had clearly cleaned up a little. His hair was brushed for a change, and his usual work attire somehow looked fancier. Seriously, what magic did he use for this? Making regular clothes look fancy; that was truly every teenage girl's dream. Naomi would be screaming if she saw this.
Anyway. It appeared that Dazai was successfully able to gather a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers. His former partner, the mafia executive, noticed him as soon as he walked into the office.
Chuuya stood up from the desk, his eyes lingering on the big bouquet of flowers, "Uh. What's up with that?"
Dazai looked nervous even to the on-lookers, when he held out the wine and the flowers to the shorter man in front of him, "Chuuya! I have something very important to ask you."
The mafioso raised his eyebrows questioningly as he accepted the gifts. His first instinct was to bury his nose in the flowers and inhale in the scent. Next, he inspected the label of the wine bottle before turning to his rival, "This is good wine right here. I approve. The flowers are adorable as well."
Ignoring the fact that a supposedly scary mafia executive just referred to flowers as 'adorable', everyone continued to watch on as Dazai cleared his throat, his face flushed, "Right. I'm glad."
Chuuya stepped forward, grinning as he raised his hand to rest it on top of his rival's head, "Uh huh. What's that you wanted to ask me?"
Everyone chose to ignore two rather weird things. For one, Dazai's supposed rival and ex-partner was willingly touching him, his other hand still wrapped around the bouquet of flowers. Secondly, was Dazai actually blushing a little?! Oh my god, he really was.
Dazai was clearly blushing (just a little, okay) as he tried to form his sentences, "That, right. Chibi, if you're free, uh, this Sunday. Would you like to go ice skating with me?"
Somewhere behind them, Yosano incredulously spoke of the date plan. Ice skating, really? What were they, a sixteen year old heterosexual couple on Christmas? Absolutely preposterous. Waiting six months for a reservation at an expensive restaurant almost sounded more acceptable.
Her words were completely ignored as everyone focused on Chuuya, who tilted his head, "Is that a date? You asking me out on a date, Mackerel?"
Dazai scrunched up his nose, "Yes...?"
Chuuya sighed, stepping back, "In that case, no I can't."
The only thing that disrupted the silence in the room was everyone's sharp intake of breaths. Chuuya was going to say no this proposal?! Oh no. Now this was a sure sign of impending doom. A rejected Dazai, pacing around and moping about this every single day for who knows how long? Going back to warring with Port Mafia almost sounded better.
The former Mafia executive pouted at his former partner, "But! Chuuya, isn't this mean of you! How can you say no to me, this is-"
The mafioso cut him off with a concerned frown, "It's because I've already made reservations for us on Sunday, oi! I wasn't going to tell you now, but look what you made me do! Ruining your own surprise is so much like you."
Dazai's lips parted of their own accord, "You have a reservation for us?"
Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Obviously, idiot. I booked it a year in advance. Did you think I wouldn't do anything for this Sunday? It's a special day, isn't it?"
Dazai looked so clearly touched, even to a blind person. He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his partner, "Chuuya~! That is so nice of you."
The mafioso chuckled as he rubbed the other's back, holding him with his other arm, "Yeah, yeah. Let's go ice skating on Saturday, alright?"
Dazai pressed a kiss to the top of his partner's head, after removing the hat, of course. He murmured, "Let's do that then."
Before Chuuya could say anything, however, they were interrupted by the scary doctor looking scarier than usual. She walked up to them and pointed her finger at the mafioso, "You. What is the meaning of this! We spent ages on planning this date, you know."
The redhead waved his hands in response, "And I appreciate it. We'll just go on Saturday instead of Sunday."
Dazai grinned next to him, "It looks like we have special dinner plans for Sunday, so it's alright~'
Yosano hummed thoughtfully, "Oh yeah. Nakahara, did you say you booked the reservation a year in advance?"
In the back, Atsushi whispered to his roommate, "Does that mean Chuuya-san has been thinking about asking Dazai-san out for a year now?"
Kyouka shook her head, "It's not like that. They're actually..."
Chuuya explained her line of thought without hearing her sentence at all. He nodded at the doctor, "Oh that. Yeah! This Sunday is a very special day, so I had to, of course."
Kunikida finally joined in the conversation, something he would regret in the next minute tops. He cleared his throat in question, "You keep talking about a special day. What exactly is it?"
Dazai tilted his head at that, "Oh that? It's our five year wedding anniversary. Didn't I say that already?"
Chuuya scoffed under his breath, "Of course you didn't, you social misfit. You'd take any chance to give your co-workers trust issues for life."
This was said as everyone else in the room choked in disbelief, minus Kyouka and Ranpo.
Kyouka turned to her roommate, "Like I was saying, they are actually together."
Ranpo's reaction was to turn to Chuuya, "You don't plan on divorcing him within two weeks, right?"
The mafioso looked confused but he answered positively anyway, "As much as I would like to, I would never."
Ranpo nodded at him before turning to Yosano, "You heard him. I win the bet. Pay up."
Yosano complained, "No!! Dazai, you bitch." Moving over to her co-worker, she punched him in the arm, "I ought to skin you alive for letting me make the bet!"
Dazai yelped, "But it's not my fault! I never said I was asking Chibi to go out with me!"
The doctor seethed at her genius co-workers, "I loathe both of you. When were you gonna tell me that Dazai is married to Nakahara already! I was seriously rooting for them, you know?!"
Chuuya blinked in confusion, "Um, thank you...?"
Yosano huffed, her arms folded against her chest, "Split half of that wine with me as a thank you, damn it!"
Chuuya gasped dramatically, clearly taking a page from his husband's book, "No way! Keep your eyes and hands off my precious wine. You can have my husband, but my wine is off-limits!"
Dazai gasped dramatically as well, "Chuuya! How mean!"
Kunikida, who was paler than a werewolf's moon by now, asked monotonously, "Is nobody going to question the fact that Dazai has been married to a mafioso all this time?"
Atsushi whispered in agreement, "And his rival, no less..."
Dazai nodded sagely, "You know what they say. Marry somebody who wants to kill you."
Chuuya finished the quote for him, "That way, they'll protect you for the rest of your life and then kill you. With old age, after a long and happy life."
Yosano snorted, "You guys are disgusting. Get out of here. I'm down a thousand yen because of you."
Dazai muttered some more about how that wasn't his fault at all, whilst being dragged out of the room by his husband. Kunikida and Atsushi were still having a tough time with their attempts at trying to process this new information. But it'd be okay soon. They were Armed Detective Agency members after all! They surely wouldn't sully their Agency's name by remaining in shock for the rest of their lives, right? Right!
Outside, the Agency building, Double Black were making their way home, arms intertwined.
Dazai declared, "I told them there was a 50-50 chance that you'd say yes."
Chuuya snorted, "And you lied to them on purpose, darling. I'm amazing at ice skating."
The brunet scoffed, "That's because you use your ability to cheat!"
His partner rolled his eyes, "Uh huh. Your sorry ass has to be dragged around the rink by me, and I use my ability to cheat, because I can totally do that while I'm touching you, right?"
Dazai hummed as they kept walking, "Don't be mean, Chuuya."
The mafioso declared passively, "I'd sell you for a bottle of the cheapest wine out there."
The other whined, "Chuuya!! This is no way to treat your wonderful husband! How rude!"
Chuuya grinned at him before tightening his arm around his partner, "Alright, alright. I love you very much and would like to kill you right away. Is that better?"
Dazai huffed, "I guess. I love you as well, even though you're just a little slug with tacky hats."
As expected, that riled up the mafioso immediately, "My hats are not tacky! You know what, I'm cancelling the reservation right now. You can sleep on the streets on our anniversary."
Laughter could be heard as the detective followed his partner into a warm café, his shoes leaving footprints in the snow outside, "Chuuya, no!!"
A fond huff as the café door bell tingled on their entry, "Chuuya yes."
-
As for their weekend date, the duo had a very successful ice skating session. Chuuya was still a flawless ice skater even without his ability. As mentioned, Dazai couldn't keep himself standing even for three seconds without his partner's hands intertwined with his, supporting him up. Said partner was pretty sure that this was just a ruse for them to hold hands, but he was more than happy to go along with it anyway.
On Sunday, they found themselves in a fancy restaurant, their table graced with a three course meal. Lots of crab and a shared bottle of wine later, a very drunk Chuuya proceeded to ramble on about how he was so in love with his husband for no reason at all.
As for his husband, he was ready to pass out from the rush of hearing such a cute confession. Even though this situation was completely within his predictions.
But well, it had been a 50-50 chance that Chuuya would get drunk and lose his filter. He clearly chose the better fifty, much to Dazai's delight.