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Dearest Padfoot,
You know how I am with secrets. You know how I like to keep them for myself, buried where I think no one will be able to find them. For the longest time, I had a backup: even if someone could find them, I knew no one wanted to. That no one cared enough to. And then you exploded into my life, and I've never been the same since. You could take one look into my eyes and know everything I wanted hidden. But you know what? I couldn't care. Not even if I tried, and I'm not. You are everything that I am now, for better or for worse. Everything I think, everything I say, everything I do, you are there. I can see you laughing when I hear or tell a joke. I see your mischievous grin whenever I see anything prankable. And that's all fine and dandy coming from a friend, I'm sure, but there's more. There's one secret you haven't been able to pry away from me, and that is this:
Whenever Frank and Alice kiss each other goodbye before class, I wish it was us. Whenever Lily and James fall asleep in each other's arms, I wish you would hold me like that. When Dorcas and Marlene buy each other flowers and look at each other like they're the only two people in the world, I wish you would look at me like that. Whenever you go off to Hogsmeade with another date, I wish more than anything it was me.
I love you, Sirius Black.
I am completely and utterly in love with you, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm not asking you to feel the same way about me, I know the chances are slim. But I need you to know, I need to try something. Because it was tearing me apart. I couldn't sit by and watch without at least being able to say I tried, because the knowledge that there was even a minuet possibility that you might give me a chance and I was sitting doing nothing was horrible.
If you feel the same, meet me at the astronomy tower tonight at eight. If not, we can pretend it never happened.
Please, I have to know.
Love,
Remus
Remus had pressed the letter into his hand only a few hours earlier, with shy eyes and a nervous smile. Since then, Sirius had read it so many times he had it memorised, his brain at first not comprehending the words. He only had ten minutes before he could escape and go find him. Ten minutes left of a class where he was, unfortunately, the only marauder. If James or Remus or Peter had been there, they would've seen what happened and known. But none of them knew. None of them heard McGonagall give him a detention, to be served directly after class. And to go on until nine.
The hour seemed to draw on much longer than it should, and Sirius was tortured with thoughts of Remus, sitting alone on the astronomy tower, maybe crying; thinking, somehow, that Sirius didn't love him. Which was completely absurd. As soon as he was dismissed he ran as fast as he could up the stairs and through the corridors. He burst through the door panting, but Remus wasn't there. He had figured he wouldn't be, but this was going to make it a lot harder to find him than it would've been. He went back to the common room to get the map- if he wasn't on there, he was in the Room of Requirement, and at that point, all he could do was wait for him to come out. He took the dorm stairs two at a time, going directly to James.
"Where's the map?" He asked, and James shrugged. Sirius groaned and turned around, ready to dig through all the trunks, when he heard the bathroom door open.
"It's on my desk, sorry. I was making some adjustments yesterday."
Sirius spun around to look at Remus, who was looking back at him through a very bad mask of calm. His eyes were very red, and if it weren't for that he might have tricked anyone else- but not Sirius. There was something broken deep inside them, and his voice very subtly wavered. The way he was standing was off too; he never stood that straight. Remus smiled at him, a very sad smile, and went to sit on his bed.
"Rem, wait. About tonight, I didn’t-"
Remus cut him off. "Sirius, it's fine. I already told you I didn't expect anything, and I didn't. Now I know, and that's what I wanted."
"But Rem-"
"Sirius, really. I've spent the entire time I've known you loving you. All those years I never thought you loved me back, and it was okay. I got used to it, at least. What's the rest of my life?"
They both knew it was a lie- at least the part about him getting used to it.
"Remus- no, let me talk." He sighed and chuckled, humourless. "Remus, I got detention. McGonagall kept me till just now. I would've been here sooner, but I ran up to the tower first, hoping you might still be there. I don't want to act like it never happened. Please, don't make me get used to it too."
Remus looked at him, wide-eyed, and then got up and was across the room in two steps. And then he was hugging him and Remus was laughing and kissing his cheeks, and Sirius realized he had been crying, and Remus was kissing the tears away. Sirius turned his head, catching Remus’s lips with his own. After a few seconds, Peter cleared his throat and Sirius flipped him off, not bothering to turn his head. However, when Sirius began to kiss down his jaw and neck, James actually stood up and separated them.
"Yeah yeah yeah, you're in love, hurrah hurrah. If you're gonna be doing that, go do it where I'm not watching." He lowered his voice to a fake whisper. "I think you traumatized poor Peter."
"Oi!" A pillow came flying at James, hitting him in the back of the head. As he spun around to return the favour, Sirius grinned and dragged Remus away to take some of James’s advice.