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How Frank Castle became somewhat liked by the interent (and gained friends in the process)

Summary:

farah MET THE PUNISHER @catgirlfarah
i was walking with my dog today and the FREAKING PUNISHER asked me if he can pet him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

mike @donewithyourbs
r/thathappened

Daredevil @daredevil
That's nothing comma once he gave up a couple million dollars to save a dog period
 
farah MET THE PUNISHER @catgirlfarah
WHAT

Frank Castle @thepunisher
shut your trap, Red, before I'll do it for you

***

Frank gets Twitter. It goes different than he expected.

Chapter 1: Dogs and priests

Notes:

set after Daredevil s3 and the Punisher s2. when it comes to MCU, it's somewhere between Homecoming and Infinity War

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

farah MET THE PUNISHER @catgirlfarah

I was walking with my dog today and the FREAKING PUNISHER asked me if he could pet him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK



mike @donewithyourbs

r/thathappened



Daredevil @daredevil

That's nothing comma once he gave up a few million dollars to save a dog from the Irish period 



farah MET THE PUNISHER @catgirlfarah

WHAT

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

shut your trap Red before I'll do it for you

 

Daredevil @daredevil

I’d like to see you try comma but we both know that I won’t period

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

you think you’re so clever don’t ya. fucking smartass

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

just for your information, he started giggling to himself like a schoolgirl with a crush.

 

Daredevil @daredevil

That's not true period

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

lying is a sin Red

 

Daredevil @daredevil

So is killing people comma but I don't lecture you about it comma don't I question mark

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

you do though, you lecture him about it all the time.

 

Frank Castle @thepunshier

listen to your friend Red unlike you she has some brain cells left

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

some?

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

she has lots of brain cells left

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

that’s better.

 

Daredevil @daredevil

You were supposed to be on my side comma K period we were friends first period

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

I wish I could, but Frank is right. lying is a sin.

 

Daredevil @daredevil

You are not religious period

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

go back to work before I'll fire you

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

aren't you partners?

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

you too, Frank, back to whatever that is you're doing

 

Frank Castle @myfriendsaredumbasses

yes ma'am sorry ma'am

 

farah MET THE PUNISHER @catgirlfarah

@myfriendsaredumbasses teach me your ways mysterious friend of Daredevil and the Punisher

 

I love cookies @cookiesarethebest

“yes ma'am sorry ma'am” pls 😭😭 never thought i'd see the punisher simping

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

it's not “simping” if it can get you killed kid

 

Daredevil @daredevil

Can't believe that I’m writing this comma but Frank is right period

 

----

 

jay is gay @mmmmboobs

@therealspiderman are the punisher and daredevil accounts legit?

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

@mmmmboobs they are! I even helped DD create his :DDD

 

jay is gay @mmmmboobs

what about the punisher? you helped him too?

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

nope, that was totally me

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

yep, that was totally her. I tried to convince him, but he wouldn't listen, so we had to bring out the big guns

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

big guns, get it? because the punisher? anyways, Frank will do almost anything Amy asks him to, so it wasn't that hard to convince him after we teamed up

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

it's true. hey @thepunisher

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

what is it kid

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

can you bring me pizza on your way back?

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

have a gang to take care of first but alright i'll be home in an hour or two

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

thanks :)

 

jay is gay @mmmmboobs

don't know if that was impressive or terrifying. is he your boyfriend or smth?

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

LMAO that's the funniest shit i've ever read 

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA @micropenis READ THIS READ THIS

 

Micro @micro

How many times am I supposed to tell you? It's Micro, not Micropenis.

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

sorry, it's loud here, I can't hear you

 

Micro @micro

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

@mmmmboobs to answer your question: no. he's DEFINITELY not my boyfriend

 

jay is gay @mmmmboobs

so he just does everything you want without any reason?

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

there's a reason. I’m awesome

 

----

Frank Castle @thepunisher

these motherfuckers never learn do they

 

Daredevil @daredevil

They don't have a chance to comma because you kill them instead of making them atone for their sins period

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

you're really scary sometimes, Mr. Daredevil

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

you turning into a priest now altar boy?

 

Daredevil @daredevil

You have no reason to fear me comma Spider Child period and you can just admit that you're wrong comma Frank period

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

sure i'll throw my guns away and become a priest now that you've enlightened me

 

Micro @micro

But wasn't that the plan since the beginning @thepunisher? Becoming a priest. A little bird told me you wanted to join a seminary when you were younger. 

 

emily (taylor’s version) @emilyisnotinparis

are you… are you trying to tell me that the punisher wanted to be a priest?

 

Micro @micro

Yes. 

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

fuck you and whoever told you that I will find them and skin them alive

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

would you really do that if it was me? because it was

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

I knew saving your life in that bar would bring me nothing but trouble

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

but at least it's better than that not-priest guy trying to kill us right? 

 

Daredevil @daredevil

What

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

none of your business Red 

 

Daredevil @daredevil

What if you were killed comma Frank question mark would it be my business then question mark

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

knowing you you would throw a fucking party huh

 

Daredevil @daredevil

Fuck you period

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

we can arrange that if you insist 

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

 

Tony Stark @iamironman

No swearing, kiddo 

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, but this is a special occasion. my two favourite vigilantes/superheroes are having a beef online and it turned weird 

 

Tony Stark @iamironman

I can see that. And what is it about your two “favourite” superheroes? Should I disown you?

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're my favourite too, but I just know you too well to count you, you know? like that would be unfair I think

 

Tony Stark @iamironman

I've heard you've helped Daredevil set up his account, don't you know him too well too?

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

hmmm, I haven't thought about it that way. brb, gonna update my favourite superhero board

 

emily (taylor’s version) @emilyisnotinparis

stark and spider-man acting all parent/child like is cool and all but can we focus on the fact that THE PUNISHER just offered to have SEX with DAREDEVIL on TWITTER?

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

I've kinda expected it in this point, with all the sexual tension. although I didn't think it would happen on this god forsaken app

 

Foggy Man @ilovefog

@myfriendsaredumbasses What do you mean you EXPECTED it? Did someone kidnap you and is writing from your account? Are you being tortured into writing this? Are you alright, K?

 

K @myfriendsaredumbasses

come on, Fogs, don't tell me you haven't seen it coming. Frank gave him a nickname! and fixed all the broken stuff in his apartment!

 

Foggy Man @ilovefog

Yeah, after he broke in, bled all over the place and stole his bloody clothes! There are still blood stains on the couch

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

I didn't like the squeaking when I was coming in through the window also Micro you shit i told you to not break into my social media accounts 

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

what if Red had a heart attack after your little stunt how would you feel then

 

Micro @micro

Proud, guilty and terrified of your revenge?

 

Spider Guy @therealspiderman

so it wasn't you who wrote that?

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

obviously not there are children here

 

Daredevil @daredevil

Besides comma Frank wouldn't have the guts to write something like that online period

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

you call it “guts” I call it common sense Red you should get some

 

Rachel @mynamesamy

and here we go again, back to fighting. i preferred the sex jokes honestly, no matter how disgusting it was to imagine them having sex

 

Frank Castle @thepunisher

you better shut your mouth or i'll stop cookin for a month and make you eat the shit takeaway on the corner for dinner

Notes:

I have no idea what this is, but I had lot of fun writing this first chapter, so I'm probably gonna continue. Stay safe, wear a mask, wear a scarf and get some rest because you probably need it!