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“Liam?”
Liam turned, surprised to see Scott McCall behind him on the bridge. He hadn’t seen Scott in awhile, a few months at least. Scott had big things to do, going all over the place, to make sure that the world was safe, while Liam kept an eye on Beacon Hills.
“Hi.” Scott smiled at his beta, though there was something sad in it.
“How…” Liam reached up, wiping a stray tear from his eye. “What’s happening? Is something wrong?”
“Nothing new,” Scott assured him. “I just…had a feeling you’d be here.”
“Yeah.” Liam nodded, looking away from Scott, and down at the water below them. “It’s been five years.”
“I know.” Scott reached out, putting a tentative hand on Liam’s shoulder.
“How did you know I would be here?”
“I had a hunch.”
“This is the guy that he was,” Liam whispered, leaning back into Scott’s arms. “The guy who left flowers for his sister. That part of him pushed through, even when he was being controlled by monsters. This is the guy that he was. I…” Liam gulped.
“I know.” Scott nodded. “We all know. He had some bad moments, but at the end of the day, the person he was, the man you loved?”
“Love,” Liam corrected.
“The man that you love,” Scott altered. “That was who he really was.”
“I know.” Liam squeezed his eyes shut, as though it would help keep the tears from coming, but it did little to keep them at bay.
“How are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” Liam admitted. “Everyone’s…everyone’s moving forward. Corey and Mason have kids, all my other friends are either gone, or they’re settled down, and I’m just still here, teaching at the high school, keeping an eye on the town, and missing him.”
“Healing, moving forward, it’s different for everyone,” Scott said softly.
“I just…five years,” Liam said softly. “It really hit me today, that he’s been gone for five years. Soon…soon he’s going to have been gone longer than we were ever together, and a little while after that, he’ll have been gone longer than I ever knew him. And that…that’s a lot of life to live without him.”
Scott just nodded, pulling Liam into his chest, holding him tightly as Liam began to cry without even trying to stop himself.
“I just miss him so much. Every day. I don’t know what to do. Like most days are fine, but then it just hits. I was in an Uber the other day, and a song he liked came on the radio, and I just…” Liam trailed off, because he didn’t know how to explain it, how weak he felt, being brought to his knees by a single song. “It hurts.”
“I know.” Scott rubbed his back. “I know it does.”
“Is it going to be like this forever for me?” Liam asked. “I…I don’t know how you do it, how you get up every day and fight like you do, you’re so strong, Scott.”
“I miss her every day, Liam,” Scott whispered. “And everyone…everyone handles these things differently. My grief, you’re grief, they’re different, even though we’re grieving similar things.”
“I don’t want to be alone,” Liam whispered. “But no one…no one is right for me, because they’re not him. I believe so wholly that he was my person, and no one else ever will be.”
“You will never be alone,” Scott said. “Maybe finding another partner isn’t in the cards for you right now, maybe it never will be,” he admitted. “But you will always have us. Your friends, your pack, your family.”
“But it’s different for you,” Liam whispered. “You have Isaac.”
“I do.” Scott nodded. “And a part of that affection, that bond between me and Isaac are because we both loved Allison, and we love each other, we do, but it’s also a way for us to stay connected to her. Together.”
“No one else loved Theo,” Liam said softly, his heart aching just at the thought.
“It may not matter anyways, this…what I have with Isaac, that’s not for everyone. It doesn’t mean I miss her any less, it just means I got lucky, and I had a second person that I could turn to. Not everyone gets that.”
“Sometimes, it’s just that one person,” Liam said slowly. “For me, it was Theo.”
“I can’t say that for you,” Scott said. “And life is always changing, you may not feel that way forever, but I understand completely that you are feeling it right now. He’s always going to be with you, though, Liam.”
“What, in my heart? In my dreams? In my memories?” Liam snapped, pushing back away from Scott. “That’s not
good
enough, Scott! He should be right here! Right
here!
” He gestured at the empty space next to him. “He’s supposed to be here with me, we’re supposed to be…I don’t know, married, or at least together, in a home with stuff we both like on the walls, and pictures of us getting older together.”
“Liam,” Scott whispered. “It’s okay to feel that way. To feel broken. Five years is a big one.”
Liam didn’t know what to say. He wanted to scream at Scott that he didn’t understand, that he didn’t know what Liam was feeling, or going through, because in some ways he didn’t, but in a lot of ways, Scott knew better than anyone else what he was dealing with.
Scott had come back to Beacon Hills to be here for him, and that wasn’t something that he wanted to turn away. He didn’t want to push everyone away and wind up alone, even though sometimes, getting angry, yelling, projecting his pain onto someone else through rage was the easiest thing for him.
“I just keep saying the same things again, and again, and again. How I’m sad, how I miss him, and it just…I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, but I can’t stop feeling this way.”
“So don’t,” Scott said softly. “Feel how you feel, Liam. You won’t get anywhere by trying to repress any part of yourself.”
“I guess. I just wish I could shut it all away, and never feel like this again.”
“Is…” Scott took a deep breath. “Maybe Beacon Hills isn’t good for you, Liam.”
“I can’t leave.” Liam shook his head. “This is my home, and it’s…it’s where he is always going to be most alive to me. Maybe they fucking tore down the diner we used to go to and turned into god damn apartment buildings, but it’s still…where he was. With me. Where we were together, and I need those places, those memories. I…” he took a deep, but shaky breath. “I don’t
want
to let him go, Scott.”
“I’m not telling you to, I would never tell you that. I will never let Allison go,” he admitted. “Come on.” He reached for Liam again. “Come with me.”
“Where?”
“To my mom’s. Isaac is there, Mason and Corey are there…we want you to come be with us.”
“The kids? I don’t want them to see me like this.”
“Are with Mason’s parents. Come on. You said you didn’t want to be alone. We won’t let you be.”
Liam was out of things to say, and he just nodded, letting Scott take him by the arm and gently guide him back through the woods to his waiting car.
The drive back to the McCall house was silent. Liam looked out the window, not even thinking about the fact that his own car was still in the lot as Scott drove them back. He hated being a burden to his friends like this, especially after so much time had passed. He didn’t know why he couldn’t shake it, or move forward with his life completely.
Sure, in some ways he had. He was working, he owned his small house, but it never felt quite like a home, because his entire life felt like one big piece was missing.
The future that he was supposed to have with Theo Raeken.
“There’s food,” Scott said as he parked, getting out of the car. “But you don’t have to eat it, okay? You don’t have to do, or say, or think anything you don’t want to. We’re all here for you.”
Liam just nodded, getting out of the car and wiping his eyes again. He knew these were his friends, people that loved him, that cared about him, but showing up, a puffy, red, snotty mess was still slightly embarrassing to him.
He wanted to be okay. He didn’t want to be the mess that he was right now, even five years later, but he didn’t know how to shake it, and he felt like he had tried everything.
The door opened, and almost instantly, Mason launched himself at Liam, pulling him close.
“I was going to come myself, but Scott said he wanted to, I…I love you so much, Liam.” Mason hugged him tight. “We all do.”
Liam hugged Mason back, a part of him grateful for the hug, for the warmth, the love from his best friend, and a part of him hating that he was still causing everyone problems because of this, that he was still taking everyone out of their own lives to grieve with him because he couldn’t figure out how to move on.
He let Mason pull him over to the sofa and sank into it, barely nodding at everyone else around them.
He hadn’t wanted to be alone, and he wasn’t, but a part of his grief still felt very much his, that it wasn’t something that anyone would ever be able to understand, even if they had been through similar things. He wasn’t just mourning the man that he loved, he was mourning the life they were supposed to have had together.
As far as he knew, there was no salve for that, no way to patch it up.
His heart wasn’t broken, it belonged to Theo, and when the other man had died, it felt like he had taken that huge, important piece of Liam with him.
Liam rested his head on his best friend’s shoulder, and Mason put his arm around him.
“I miss him,” Liam whispered.
“I know.” Mason gently squeezed his shoulder.
“I’m always going to.”
“I know,” Mason said again. “It’s okay.”
“It’s never going to be okay.”
“No,” Mason whispered. “I mean it’s okay to miss him. You’re right. It will never be okay that he’s gone.”
Liam let those words wash over him. Hearing someone else say it, someone that wasn’t him, or his own mind felt different, and he buried his face in Mason’s neck as Scott put his hand on Liam’s shoulder, offering his own support as Liam cried.
Mason was right. It was never going to be okay that Theo was gone, and Liam was pretty sure that it would take him a lifetime to learn to deal with that, but at least he wouldn’t be doing it by himself.