Chapter Text
nando’s senior year of high school
phoenix, az
i.
january 2nd, 2018
Probably the thing that Sebastián is most unprepared for about going back to school after winter break is just how awkward it feels.
He doesn’t know why. There really isn’t any reason for it to feel awkward. After all, he was only away for two weeks, just long enough for Christmas and New Year’s. It’s normally one of his favorite times of year, too— holiday festivities and traditions, going to church a lot, his family all in one place. And it’s not even that he had a bad winter break, at least when talking about the holidays. Things were a little different than usual this year, for sure, what with Papa being sick, but even then, they all made the best of it, and most of the usual traditions still happened.
So he can’t even say that winter break was all terrible, at least when talking about the holidays themselves. Even still, he knows why he feels so awkward, as he walks down the halls on the day after New Year’s. It’s not awkward because of winter break itself. It’s awkward because the last time he was at school, in this building, he wasn’t single, and now he is.
Which, honestly, is stupid. Because it wasn’t even like having a boyfriend was something that people knew about him, at school. Being out at school was always going to be impossible, because as long as he was in the closet at home, he never could have come out at school without causing a chain reaction that led back to his family. And that wasn’t an option. So with the exception of a handful of very trusted people, like Raf, no one at school ever even knew anything about him and Nate. Nobody ever even knew Nate existed , because he went to Tempe Prep.
So Sebastián shouldn’t feel awkward, when he walks down the halls. After all, it’s senior spring now— this is supposed to be the most fun part of high school. He shouldn’t be worrying about heartbreaks that are already over. But the breakup with Nate hurt— of course it hurt, especially because it was right before Christmas, and because of everything going on with Papa, and because he’d never been through a breakup before. He knows he was better for it— because who would ever want to be with someone who cheats, even if he’s your first boyfriend?— but breaking up still hurt. It was always going to hurt.
So going back to school… is weird. Because school means routine, and Nate used to be part of his routine. It starts to hit him for real when he pulls open his locker before first period, and sees the picture of the two of them that he stuck in there. It was taken over the summer, and they both look happy; it gives him a twisty feeling in his stomach.
He pulls the picture out of his locker, tears it in half, and tosses it in the bathroom trash can on his way to Senior English.
He doesn’t think it will really hit him until he sees Nate, which he’s bound to at some point, because even though they don’t go to the same school, they were always running into each other at the ice arena between his hockey practices and Nate’s figure skating. It’s the whole reason they met in the first place. He isn’t really looking forward to that encounter at all.
What Sebastián doesn’t expect is for the Nate thing to hit him today. It isn’t even his fault. It happens when he’s called to guidance, in the middle of fifth period study hall. “Sebastián Hernandez to the office, please,” says the school secretary over the loudspeaker, and he feels a bunch of pairs of eyes turn to him— including Raf, who’s sitting next to him.
“Ooooh, someone’s in trouble,” Raf sings, and Sebastián finds it in him to laugh. Ever since Papa got sick, getting called to the office puts this instinctual pit in his stomach, like it’s going to be because of bad news. He finds comfort in the fact that, today, it’s only him being called— if it were something with Papa, the secretary would have called Luisa and Maribel, too, since they’re freshmen.
Even still, it isn’t really a big deal. People get called to the office all the time, especially seniors, who are working on college stuff. He shoves Raf’s shoulder as he gets out of his seat. “Don’t miss me.”
“I already do,” Raf replies, as he mimes wiping away tears. “They’re trying to separate us—”
“Mr. Torres.” At the front of the room, the study hall instructor is not amused.
“ Sorry , sorry,” Raf calls, and ducks his head to hide his laugh, as he goes back to getting a jump start on his Econ homework. Sebastián pulls his backpack over his shoulder, still kind of grinning despite the instructor’s warning, as he pushes in his chair. Getting called out of study hall is kind of annoying, because what with hockey practice tonight, he won’t have much time later to get his homework done, but whatever. Hopefully it’ll be quick.
“Have fun,” he mutters, to Raf, as he’s leaving, and Raf fist-bumps him. Then, before they can get yelled at for stirring the pot anymore, Sebastián leaves the room, and starts down the hallway for the guidance office.
Mrs. Lorenzo, his guidance counselor, looks like she got a serious sun-tan over winter break. Sebastián wonders if she went to the beach in California or something, or maybe just spent a lot of time outside. “Happy New Year, Sebastián,” she says, when he reaches her office door. He didn’t even knock; it’s like she has a sixth sense. “Come on in and have a seat.”
He does as he’s told, and drops his backpack by the end of the comfy green couch in her office. Once he’s planted himself on it, he’s pretty sure he could fall asleep right here, and spend the rest of the first day back to school napping. Four classes into the day, and he wishes it were still winter break. “How was your holiday?”
“Oh, it was good.” He pauses, and shrugs. What he’s said is technically true— because, again, the Christmas season may have been a little weird this year, but that doesn’t mean it was all bad . And besides, Papa is feeling better than he was a couple of weeks ago. “I had a fun time with my family.”
“That’s good to hear.” Mrs. Lorenzo has cat-eye glasses, and always wears boot-cut jeans, like it’s the seventies. Except she isn’t that old. She’s, like, younger than his parents. “Are you happy to be back?”
Sebastián shrugs. “Mostly?” he replies, which is the truth.
Mrs. Lorenzo laughs.
“Um…” He trails off before his sentence really begins. He isn’t sure how to ask why did you pull me out of study hall on the first day back without being rude, and he doesn’t want to be rude. Luckily for him— maybe because she’s a guidance counselor, and it’s her job to pay attention to students— she seems to realize that he’s confused.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you in,” she says.
“Uh— yeah, I kinda was.” He laughs a little, which hopefully makes it seem less rude that he’s asking. It’s not that he’s actively opposed to the guidance office; he just would kind of rather be in study hall with Raf getting ahead on homework so they can have practice in peace tonight. “But also, I figured I’d probably find out.”
Mrs. Lorenzo smiles. “Well, you’re right on that,” she replies, and then she crosses one leg over the other, so she can rest her elbow on her knee. “I’m not sure if you remember, but we were supposed to have a college check-in right before Christmas, and we wound up missing it.”
Sebastián does remember— and even though Mrs. Lorenzo says this in a very matter-of-fact way, it still makes his stomach twist up, for not even the first time today. He missed that meeting because he was pulled out of school that day; he along with Luisa and Maribel, and Gabi and Rosa from the elementary school, too. Papa had taken a turn for the worse. It was a terrible, scary day.
But, Sebastián reminds himself, they got through it. His whole family did. Papa most of all. And Papa is feeling better now.
Things will be okay. He knows it. They have to be.
So he nods to Mrs. Lorenzo, and says, “Yeah, I remember.” He pauses, and takes a guess. “So this is a make-up meeting?”
“Exactly.” Mrs. Lorenzo is still smiling. She’s always been a nice lady, and Sebastián decides that he’ll forgive her for pulling him out of study hall. “So… did you give any more thought to college over the break?”
“Uh… well.” Herein lies the problem. It’s not that Sebastián hasn’t thought about college— in fact, he feels like he’s been ‘thinking about college’ for longer than most of his fellow seniors, ever since that ASU scout approached him after a playoff win sophomore year and asked him if he had ever thought about playing college hockey. Sebastián remembers that, clear as day— Papa and Tio Geraldo had been so excited that they let him do a shot of dark rum behind the restaurant bar. Ángel , Mama had cautioned, with a chiding tone of voice but a smile in her eyes. Don’t you think he’s a little young for that?
Nonsense! Papa had replied, toasting his glass against Sebastián’s. This is a time to celebrate. My boy is going to college!
It was one of the best nights of his life.
So, thinking about college? Yeah. Obviously. It’s just that, well… this winter break, college wasn’t really the first thing on his mind. He settles for, “A little.”
“A little,” Mrs. Lorenzo echoes. Sebastián can tell that she’s trying to go about this whole thing carefully. After all, she knows that Papa is sick. But he knows that as the school guidance counselor, it’s her job not only to support students personally but also to nudge them along in the college process.
Hence, this meeting. So he doesn’t blame her for asking. He tries to be useful. “I have the offer from ASU,” he says— and then, because she already knows, he adds, “and Kiersey.”
“Right.” Mrs. Lorenzo nods, like she’s remembering. “But those are both hockey offers.”
“Yeah,” Sebastián replies. “But I did get into ASU. And I sent in my application to Kiersey, so I’ll probably hear soon.”
Her smile is approving. “That’s great, Sebastián!”
It is great— he knows it’s great. But this whole conversation kind of reminds him of the conversation that he had with Nate, right before Christmas. I sent my application in to Kiersey , he’d told him, while driving in his truck, on the way to get Starbucks.
What? Nate had looked like he’d seen a ghost.
Well… I mean, I have an offer from their team , he’d replied, but Nate had already known that.
Even so, Nate had, well— he’d freaked out a little. You can’t go to Kiersey.
Why not?
Because I’m not doing long distance.
You don’t think we could do long distance?
It’s not a matter of what I think we can do. I don’t want to do long distance.
In hindsight, Sebastián should have seen the fight they had in the car that day as the beginning of the end. But he was such a dumbass, he didn’t. Instead, when Nate hadn’t responded to his texts a day and a half later, he showed up at his house unannounced with his favorite snacks to try to make amends. They could talk about college, he’d thought. They could figure things out.
Instead, he’d caught Nate spending some quality time with fellow Phoenix Skating Club member Ray Callahan, and, well. The rest is history.
So in the spirit of leaving that fiasco in the past, where it belongs, he adds, “The coach from Kiersey told me he’d talk to the admissions people.”
“Well, that’s good.” Mrs. Lorenzo fixes her glasses, and pauses, like she’s trying to be extra thoughtful, before she continues. “I remember you liked it a lot when you visited.”
“I did,” he replies, because his visit to Kiersey was probably the highlight of last summer. The campus looks straight off of a poster for quintessential college, and it’s probably one of his favorite rinks he’s ever been in. The thought of playing there gave him the good kind of jitters.
Imagine, he remembers Papa saying, my own boy, playing on this ice. He’d clapped him on the shoulder, as they stood along the boards. I’d be the proudest dad in the world.
But the memory stings, just a little— only because Papa wasn’t sick back then, and he’s sick now. The thought of leaving home for Kiersey, which is all the way in New Hampshire, with hours of flying time separating him from his family— that’s a lot to think about, right now. Even if it’s the best school. Even if it’s his and Papa’s dream come true.
So he shrugs, and tells Mrs. Lorenzo, “I probably can’t go there, though.”
She fixes her glasses again, and leans forward, like she’s inspecting him or something. “What makes you say that?”
“Well…” He trails off, and frowns a little. “I mean— leaving my family like that?” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t do that to them.”
Mrs. Lorenzo looks sympathetic, now, which is kind of a relief, because at least it means she understands. “I know what you mean,” she replies. “But I don’t think you should close that door before you know for sure that it isn’t what you want.”
Sebastián decides, in an optimistic sort of way, that he’d like to take her advice. For now, the decision about college can wait until another day.