Chapter Text
Patrick let out a sigh as he closed the front door behind him. Though the closing shift had been relatively easy today, he could still feel the exhaustion of many hours spent on his feet down to his bones and combined with the rest of the day he’d had it was all a bit too much. All Patrick wanted right now was to curl up in bed with his music on as loud as it would go to drown out his thoughts. And maybe also a cup of tea.
As Patrick made his way to the kitchen, he saw that the kitchen door had been left ajar and the light was on, meaning his dad was still up. Patrick opened the door further to find Clint sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of tea and today’s crossword in hand.
“Hey Pat,” his dad said, looking up from his puzzle, “have a good shift?”
“Uh it was okay, I guess. Mostly just far too long.”
“Get a lot of annoying customers again today?”
Patrick nodded. “Yes, always. Lucky for me, Jesse got stuck with most of them though. Anyway, I was just gonna get a cup of tea and then head straight up. Do you need anything else?”
“Nope, thanks, I’m all good here,” his dad smiled. As Patrick put the water on to boil, Clint continued with his crossword, letting the silence stretch between them, though clearly, Clint had something on his mind. Every so often, he’d stop what he was doing, look at Patrick, open his mouth to start saying something, but then he’d seemingly decide against it. After about a minute of this, Patrick had had enough.
“Come on Dad, use your big boy words,” Patrick teased, using the phrasing his parents had always used on him growing up.
“Mom told me you and Rachel broke up again?”
Of course she had. His mom had a habit of telling his dad absolutely everything; if he ever told her something, he could bank on her telling his dad all about it the second they were left alone. This mom-dad information pipeline was annoying most of the time, but at a moment like this, Patrick was grateful that he only had to break the news once.
Just then, the water came to a boil, and Patrick turned around to slowly pour his tea into his favourite mug. He didn’t think he could handle looking his father in the eyes right now.
“Yeah. She uh, she dumped me. Said there just wasn’t as much of a… connection as she would like.”
That wasn’t entirely true. There were several things that had led to their inevitable breakup, but their emotional connection had not been one of them. They’d been best friends since the first day of kindergarten when Rachel had marched up to Patrick during recess and all but demanded that he come play hide-and-seek with her. They knew everything about each other. No, the main reason for Rachel dumping him this time was because she was ready to start having sex, whereas Patrick decidedly was not. He didn’t know why, but something about the thought of having sex with Rachel just didn’t feel right to him. Not wanting his first time to be something he’d regret later, he’d decided to put it off, not so subtly changing the subject every time sex came up in conversation. He wasn’t about to tell his dad any of this, though.
His dad hummed sympathetically. “That sounds rough. How are you feeling about that?”
“Kinda weird,” Patrick admitted. “Mostly okay though. It sucks because she’s my best friend, but on the other hand, we’re in high school, you know? High school relationships just don’t tend to last very long, chances were we were gonna break up before college anyway.”
“Ever the pragmatist, I see,” his dad chuckled.
“Yeah, wonder where on earth I got that from,” Patrick said sarcastically, rolling his eyes, even though he was still facing the kitchen backsplash.
“Clearly you got your practicality from your mother’s side. No way you could have got that from me." Clint furrowed his brows. "In all seriousness though,” he continued, “just because you’re young, doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to fail. Your relationship with Rachel meant something to you, you’re allowed to feel a bit upset about it.”
Patrick turned around to look at his dad. His expression was carefully neutral. Patrick guessed that his dad knew that Patrick’s relationship with Rachel hadn’t actually been as good as it seemed, but was desperately trying not to communicate this to Patrick. Unfortunately for him, being a terrible liar also ran in the family.
“Yeah, I know, I’m really not upset about it though. This is probably what’s best for both of us. There was always something that wasn’t quite right, something that didn’t click the way it’s supposed to.”
In all honesty, Patrick was relieved that she’d broken up with him. Relieved that the pressure to have sex with her was off. Relieved that he would no longer have to constantly remind himself to kiss her, hold her hand, be affectionate with her. Relieved that he didn’t have to be the one to find a way to break up with her first. Maybe he could finally get a good night’s sleep now that he could stop picking apart his and Rachel’s relationship, in search of what could possibly be wrong with him.
“That makes sense. No reason to stay in a relationship if it doesn’t feel right, eh?”
Patrick took a long sip of his tea. “Yeah, for sure.”
“Though maybe she could have at least waited until after prom to do it, instead of leaving you dateless the week before. But hey, what do I know, maybe I’m just too old to get it.”
Patrick laughed half-heartedly at that. “It’s honestly fine dad. See, in this century, people can go to prom without a romantic date without causing a scandal.”
“So, are you just going to go with your baseball friends instead, then?”
“Nah. Unlike me, most of the guys on the team managed to hold on to their girlfriends, so if I went with them, I’d just be the sad, single guy of the group. My friend Jesse offered to go with me though, so at least I won’t be totally alone.”
Jesse was someone who Patrick had always known, having grown up in the same small town and all, but they weren’t close until Patrick got a job at Rose Video and Jesse took him under his wing. They quickly became good friends, having bonded over their shared taste in movies and music. When Jesse heard of Rachel and Patrick’s breakup through the grapevine, he had shyly asked Patrick if he’d like to go to prom with him, and Patrick had gladly accepted. Spending time with Jesse gave Patrick a weird, fluttery feeling that he couldn’t quite put a finger on, not that he planned on telling anyone about that. All Patrick knew for sure is that he was more excited at the prospect of platonically going to prom with Jesse than he had been when he still planned to go with Rachel.
Clint’s face lit up at that. “Ooohh Jessie, huh?” he teased. “Is that the same Jessie from work that you’re always telling us about?”
Patrick felt himself blush. “Yeah.”
“Well good for you, son! It sure seems like you two get along really well based on what you’ve told us about her.”
Wait. Her? “Um, dad, Jesse’s not a girl. He’s um… well, he’s a he.”
His dad’s pleased expression very quickly morphed into one of surprise. “Oh, I didn’t –,” he stammered, “well I mean of course, uh, your mom and I, we support you in whatever you want to do, and if that is to date Jesse then –“
“Wait, no, hold up,” Patrick said, confused as to what his father was getting at. “Date? We’re just friends!” Patrick didn’t understand why his dad had assumed that he would want to date Jesse. Patrick wasn’t gay. Was he? Of course, Patrick was a big supporter of gay rights, and sure, he could definitely appreciate the objective attractiveness of some other guys. And okay, maybe he spent a lot of time at work looking at Jesse’s lips, wondering what it might be like to kiss him. But that didn’t automatically mean he was gay, right?
“I’m so sorry Pat, I shouldn’t have assumed. I just…” his dad trailed off, clearly unsure of what to say in this situation.
“You just what?” Patrick urged.
“Well, you do bring him up a lot. And when you do, you just… I don’t know, you just light up, I guess. And you just said being with Rachel never really felt right, so I thought this could be why. But I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”
Patrick felt like suddenly a piece in the puzzle of the last few years had clicked into place, one he had previously never even considered as part of the puzzle at all. I thought this could be why, why loving Rachel had felt like a chore to him, why he couldn’t bring himself to have sex with her. This could be why he felt more whole at the accidental brush of Jesse’s hand against his than he did with his hand up Rachel’s shirt. Patrick had spent countless hours trying to figure out what was wrong with him for not feeling as excited about kissing girls as the other guys seemed to be, without somehow stopping to think that maybe, just maybe, he had only ever had feelings like that about guys. Somehow his brain had never connected the thoughts he had about other boys with the idea that he could or even should do something about it. Logically, he knew that people could be gay, he’d just never considered that he himself could be. But now, for the first time in his life, Patrick stopped to think about it. And suddenly it became a lot harder to ignore the truth that had been staring him in the face the whole time.
Fuck.
“Earth to Patrick, you still in there? His dad said, and Patrick realised that he’d completely zoned out during his epiphany. “Everything okay?”
Patrick nodded rather aggressively, desperately trying not to communicate that his entire worldview had just been flipped upside down. “Yeah, I’m fine. Was just thinking. You know, about uh. Stuff.”
His dad gave him a small smile, and Patrick could tell that his dad had guessed pretty much exactly where his train of thought had led him. So much for not making it obvious. “You know”, his dad said sympathetically, “if you wanted to tell me about something, I’d listen. You don’t have to, of course, but the option is uh, there. If you want.”
His father’s eyes met his own, and right then, Patrick knew he couldn’t keep this thing, this new fundamental truth about himself inside for another second.
“Dad, I think that I uh,” he stammered, trying his hardest to just get the words out. “I think I might be gay.” His voice broke on the last word as he burst into tears. His dad opened his arms and Patrick all but ran into them. They stood there for a while, Patrick in his father’s strong, reassuring arms while he sobbed into his dad’s sweater, just as though he were five years old with a scrape on his knee again.
Finally, his dad released him from his grip to look him in the eyes again. His face was blotchy and tear-streaked, though Patrick guessed that his own face looked exactly the same.
“So,” his dad said, “you’re gay, huh?”
Patrick laughed softly. “I guess so.”
Clint smiled, his eyes twinkling with mischief, and Patrick realised, then, that even coming out as gay – holy shit, that was going to take some getting used to – would not spare him from the roasting of a lifetime. If anything, he’d just given his dad more material.
“Now are you going to do something about it, or what?”
***
The next day Patrick came home, and he felt like he was floating on air. He entered the kitchen to find his mom frantically stirring whatever was in the pot on the stove.
“Hi honey,” Marcy said distractedly, “how was school?”
“It was good.” It had been really good, actually, but he wasn’t quite ready to go into specifics with her.
“Your dad said you two talked yesterday?” This surprised Patrick, normally the mom-dad information pipeline only went the one way. “He didn’t tell me what about, but are you okay?”
Patrick thought about how freeing it felt to finally have the answer he’d been looking for, how good it had felt to tell his dad and to have him not just understand, but totally accept him. He thought about Jesse, who shyly confirmed that prom was indeed meant to be a date when Patrick asked him about it, who had kissed him and who Patrick had happily kissed back. He thought about how, for the first time in his goddamn life, he didn’t feel broken anymore.
“Yeah, mom,” Patrick said. “I’m okay.”
***
“Um, dad, Jesse’s not a girl. He’s um… well, he’s a he.”
“Oh, sorry! Don’t know why I assumed it was a girl. In any case, it’ll be good for you and Jesse to go together. Have a nice guys’ night out and all that. Maybe Jesse can help you find another girl you like, hm?”