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Ritsu woke up in his bedroom, confused, — and of course, if he was supposed to be at Mao's apartment and spend the night there,— the light through the window was giving him a headache, making imposible to Ritsu go back to sleep, so he resigned to get up in order to search of his phone, which didn't take long to find, since it was around the sheets of the bed, completely dead. He clicked his tongue irritated, his head was spinning and he had no way of knowing what had happened the previous night; he plugged his phone and looked at the antique wall clock in his room "2:37". Why hadn't anyone woken him up? Again, that terrible headache; Ritsu was too lazy to go downstairs to get something for the pain and then going back to the second floor to take a shower, so he dropped his phone down on the nightstand next to the bed and headed to the bathroom, hoping the headache disappears in the bathtub.
His mind was fuzzy and the last thing he could— barely— remember was arriving at Mao's apartment at night. Could it be that he brought me home in the middle of the night? It didn't make sense, it wasn't the first time that he had stayed with Mao for a night or two, neither the first time they had gotten drunk in his apartment,— because that headache indicated that it was obvious they had drunk. How much did it have to be, so that he couldn't think without wanting to rip his own head off? Who knows, either way, knowing that didn't make the situation any better.4 The warm water started to relax him enough for the headache to ease a bit, taking now a nap in the bathtub didn't sound like a bad idea. He almost fell asleep, if it wasn't for his phone rining.
It took him a while to get out but at least dozing for a bit helped him to remember more clearly as he put on some clothes; when he touched the phone, some fragments of the previous night flashed through his mind, when he turned on the screen a chill ran through his body, there were missed calls and messages from the number of his boyfriend (or rather, his now ex-boyfriend) however the messages didn’t come from Mao, but from one of his friends; reading the last messages made him stop in his tracks.
"Ritsu-kun, this is Yuki. I managed to unlock Isara-kun's phone to contact you. As soon as you see this you should come to the hospital, we found Isara-kun unconscious in his house this morning. "
Without thinking, he took the first shirt he could find, a sweatshirt, and left his house as fast as he could, making his way to the hospital.
———
Ritsu and Mao hadn't seen each other for a while,— most of the time one of them had work to do when the other had some free time and it became impossible to find time for them, the popularity of Knights and Trickstar was growing more over time, and that was something that, as idols, they couldn't neglect,— so, that night was the only one where they could forget about work and the world around them to be alone for a long time.
Ritsu arrived enthusiastically at the redhead's place and, as soon as Mao opened the door, he threw himself directly into the other's arms, causing them almost falling to the ground, and giving him an intense but sweet kiss; after a few moments they separated to take a breath although they were still close enough to feel their breaths colliding.
“I missed you so much Maakun~.” He said in a whisper low enough for Mao and only Mao to hear, those few words made the green-eyed youngman feel that all his stress disappeared, he couldn't help but give Ritsu a short kiss on the forehead in response; only his Ritsu made him feel that way. Ritsu smiled, over time Mao had grown more affectionate towards Ritsu (even where anyone could see them) and that made him really happy.
“Let's go inside Ricchan, here it’s cold, and you can get sick.” The redhead said, separating himself a little from the contrary; inside the building the cold of the night still ran through the corridors and certainly inside of his apartment the temperature was more comfortable than there, but the one with crimson eyes refused to let him go from his embrace, he felt that if he left Mao alone he would disappear from his sight again. If only he hadn't done it.
After a few moments (and a few more kisses at the door) they finally entered the place, indeed, the temperature inside was a little warmer and much more comfortable than that of the corridor; Mao looked at his watch "7:19", Ritsu arrived much earlier than they agreed to (he supposed his boyfriend was too impatient to see him; it's not like Mao wasn't feeling the same, nor bothered by that). They didn’t need words to communicate, with just a couple of glances Ritsu understood he should wait for him on the sofa of the small living room while Mao went to the “kitchen” for some sodas to see a movie, — the apartment wasn’t very big. It was spacious enough for one or two people, with a short sofa, a little space for kitchen, a room and one bathroom; it was simple without many objects or very flashy colors, something quite typical of Mao, Ritsu thought — after all, so many years of knowing each other weren’t in vain.
They began the night by watching a randomly chosen horror movie, although the redhead wasn't a fan of that genre, it didn't bother him to see it if it was next to his lover. they would stop paying attention to the movie for moments anyway as they started a conversation about what they had recently done when the movie got boring. Whether it was Ritsu complaining about how busy Knights were that he didn't even have free time to take naps, or Mao releasing all the stress due to the new things they were starting to do at Trickstar. An hour passed and while they chatted they ordered pizza for dinner, they put on another movie while the order arrived, a comedy, more for Mao's taste.
After dinner they put on some music while Mao suggested some card games,— they started playing UNO, then poker, war and so on for a long time,— meanwhile, Ritsu started making some drinks, because he liked to light things up, and on the way, play on Mao's reactions after several rounds. In one of the pauses they made, Mao went to the room for a blanket, it wasn't as cold as outside but it was beginning to feel cool as the night settled down more and more, when the redhead returned, Ritsu approached one side of his boyfriend to hold onto one of his arms as they continued to play; he couldn't help staring at him from time to time until he was lost in thought.
Some time ago, Mao had started to let loose his bangs giving him a more mature look, or attractive in Ritsu's words; although the slight blush on his cheeks from the effects of alcohol made him look tender. He realized that the black-haired guy was staring at him and tried to ask him if there was something wrong, but the words failed him when he noticed that Ritsu was looking at him with eyes full of desire, the only thing he could barely formulate was "Is something wrong...?" that came out in a clumsy whisper as his boyfriend approached to assault his lips with a fervent kiss, Ritsu began to fiddle with Mao's shirt without lifting it higher than his waist much to the redhead's annoyance. Ritsu's cold hands made him feel slight chills leaving him wanting for more, while he positioned himself on top of Mao, the redhead intertwined his fingers in the contrary's hair, ruffling it even more and making their kiss even deeper. They stayed like that for a while until they parted a bit to take a proper breath, keeping their gazes fixed on each other's eyes; when Mao was about to kiss Ritsu again, he moved his arms underneath the other's to hug him and rest his head on his shoulder, Mao lowered his hands towards the black-haired's waist as he leaned back a little to accommodate, Ritsu couldn't help but sigh into Mao's neck. How long has it been since they had a night like this, just the two of them doing anything together? Surely a lot, Ritsu couldn't help but cling to the opposite, he had missed everything about him, the way only he pronounced his name, his voice, the warmth of his body, the way that only Mao made him feel.
After a few moments Ritsu decided to cut the silence. “What do you say if we continue our game?” Mao sighed, he was still sober enough to realize it wasn't a double-meaning question, which perhaps, for a brief moment, he would have preferred it to be. They began to play again, starting all over because they had forgotten where they were before all of that.
———
As Ritsu approached the hospital, his tears accumulated more and more because he couldn't remember beyond starting the game again, the only thing he could barely remember after that were the screams from both of them, the fact that they broke up,— probably because of a stupid fight while they were drunk,— and the blurry fragment of his brother welcoming him home in the middle of the night. He couldn't go deeper into his memories of the previous night. He began to blame himself with every step he took, what if he had said something that made Mao feel bad? What would he say? How would he apologize if Mao had no idea why they broke up? What if Mao had tried something dangerous? Those kinds of thoughts began to fill his mind making him feel terribly anxious and forming a lump in his throat. Deep down he knew he shouldn't have left him alone, he wanted to go back in time to stay with him, whatever the cause of that fight; sadly, that was impossible for him now.
When arrived at the building, his legs gave out, making so much effort in the middle of the day was not his thing and adding the weakness from his barely sleep to that, his body was shaking from the force he had used when running towards the place. He felt that he was going to faint at any moment; as he caught his breath on the ground, Makoto started to get closer,— clearly worried not only about the situation he was in but also because Ritsu seemed like Ritsu would pass out on the ground at any moment.
“Ritsu-kun! Are you okay?!” The blonde held him by the shoulders for a few moments before handing him a bottle of water that he brought with him.
“Yeah... Yeah...” He answered between gasps for lack of air. His hand was shaking as he held the bottle. “Thank you... How is he...?” Makoto waited a few moments until Ritsu could breathe a little more calmly before speaking about the situation.
“He ... He seems to have lost his memory.” Makoto looked worried at the boy in front of him, who was now in shock trying to process that. "No, it can not be...". He felt the world collapse before him, his eyes watered. Ritsu looked up, searching the other's eyes with the hope that the blonde would tell him that it was a very, very bad joke, even a bad dream; but in response, the other guy tightened his grip on Ritsu's shoulders before he continued speaking. “He can't even remember Hokuto-kun or me...” His voice cracked, he couldn't believe that one of his best friends now didn't know they ever were best friends. The black-haired guy wanted to speak but the words wouldn't come out, he kept waiting to wake up and see that all this was just a bad dream, that in reality his beloved Mao was sleeping by his side.
Unfortunately for him the reality was different, when he saw Hokuto approaching them with a distressed expression, he felt his hopes vanish instantly; Makoto just assumed that the doctors had asked him to leave so they could continue examining their friend. Moments later they helped Ritsu to get up from the floor and head to the designated chairs to wait for the patients. If he had finally stopped shaking from the overexertion, now he was shaking from the impression that everything was giving him, the headache had returned and he didn't understand what was happening at all. He put a hand to his head and his vision was starting to blur again, Ritsu was making a superhuman effort to stay conscious, because he knew that Mao was having a thousand times worse, and he was sure it was his fault.
An hour passed, maybe even less, but for Ritsu time seemed to go in slow motion, or almost stoped for him since he entered the building; he simply didn't want to believe what others were telling him, "Maakun is fine", "They are exaggerating", "It is impossible for Maakun to forget me", he kept repeating that like it was some kind of mantra in his head while the wait seemed eternal, until a doctor finally approached them to explain the situation of the Mao. The doctor began explaining that, due to the obvious blow to the youngman's head, he had lost consciousness, fortunately there was no damage that would put his life in danger and that after a few more exams he would be out of the hospital in a few hours; although he apparently suffered a type of retrograde amnesia due to the situation in the previous night, Makoto dared to ask if he had really lost all his memories, the doctor said it wasn't that exaggerated, however they still couldn't determine how serious his memory loss was, or if he could remember what he forgot or not. As he could, Ritsu asked if they could come in to see him (and of course, if it was prudent) to which the doctor answered yes, as long as they weren't brusque with the redhead, because there was no certainty that he remembered them. On the way to the room he kept repeating over and over again "It's impossible for Maakun to forget me" while his nerves consumed him with every step he took. When they finally reached the door, he felt for the thousandth time in the day that at any moment he would pass out.
“Maakun…” It was the only thing that managed to leave his lips as the tears began to run down his cheeks, he had his eyes fixed on the bandage that his beloved Mao was wearing on his forehead because of him.
“Mmm? Ritsu?” Mao turned a little to see the him, and when he heard his name come from the lips of the redhead he couldn't help crying even louder, on one side he was really happy and relieved that he remembered him, but on the other he felt kinda worried, Mao had not called him just Ritsu for a long time. That let him know that he might not remember what happened, and just thinking that he might have forgotten about the relationship they had for a while made him feel like something was stabbing his heart. “Ritsu why are you crying?!” The crimson-eyed one couldn't take it any more and approached to embrace his beloved.
“Why ... why do you care about me idiot?” Mao was still a bit confused but he returned the hug; of course, it is a bit illogical for someone on a stretcher to worry about a person who comes in perfect condition to see him.
“It's Okay~ I'm sorry Ritsu. Don't cry I'm fine.” After hearing that Ritsu could only bite his lip and contain his crying again, How can you say that...? he thought; then he separated from Mao to wipe his own tears as he continued talking to him. “I'm just a little... Confused I suppose, but calm, I'm fine, see?” Mao smiled to reassure him, thing which was kinda working.
After a few moments the doctor requested the three of them to ask Mao a few questions to determine how serious his amnesia was, since a few hours ago he didn't recognize Makoto or Hokuto at all, even if he said that they "seemed familiar". As the boys were asking questions, he was making pauses to see if he remembered it or not, and if not, try to recall something; although many things simply seemed that for him they had never happened. Ritsu didn't wanted to ask him if he remembered their relationship even though it was one of his biggest worries, and, even if Mao remembered it, what was he supposed to do? They have broke up, right? It didn’t seem correct to him that, in the case that he remembered their relationship but not what happened that night, take advantage of that and pretend that nothing had happened (even if one little part of him wanted to do it), not to mention that one of the other guys probably knew what happened. After a while the doctor told them that they could stop asking the redhead questions as to not stress him out and then retreated to look for the results of the latest exams for being able to realese him.
The four remained talking while they waited, although the only ones speaking were the members of Trickstar and occasionally there was some random comment from Ritsu because he felt that the other two should talk more with Mao; it seemed as if they were getting to know each other again, even if they spoke quite normally as they usually do, if it weren't for the situation, it would be like a common talk between them. Anyway Ritsu,– who was sitting on the floor next to Mao, – was immersed in his thoughts, he felt a little relieved because his partner of practically all his life was fine, but he couldn't stop blaming himself for everything, if only he could remember well what had happened, if only he had thought things better at that moment and if only he hadn't separated from Mao that night, none of this would've happened and probably they'd be together at this time of day still in Mao's bed, watching a movie in the living room or even in a cafeteria having lunch. The urge to cry was coming back along with the same pressure on his chest that hit him when he found out what happened. But even with all those thoughts at least his body had relaxed and it didn't take him long to fall asleep hugging Mao halfway.
–––
From that day on, Ritsu stays at Mao's house for as long as he can because, Trickstar has suspended several of his jobs due to the redhead's accident, but Ritsu still has his job as part of Knights, so the barely free time he has left, he dedicates it to Mao instead of spending it sleeping as usual, he felt that this was his only way to compensate Mao for what he had done,– and Ritsu thought that nothing he did would be enough to make the redhead forgive him, even if Mao told him that he had nothing to forgive him for. A few weeks had passed from that and the black-haired one still didn't dare to bring up the topic of his past relationship, whether he was going to see how Mao was doing every night or spending the days at his house; while the Mao didn't dare to ask about the old messages between them because, for him Ritsu's messages were those of "his usual Ritsu", however, when he saw his own responses to these he thought they seemed kinda out of place, as if someone else had written them for him, he couldn't recall at all those feelings for his best friend, the idea that perhaps they had something didn't seem very crazy though.
Just as Ritsu spent his free moments with Mao, he spent most of his time with the others at Trickstar (whom he managed to remember almost completely after a couple of days) in small practices or simply going out to various places to help Mao get stimulated, although he was kinda worried about not remembering things like choreographies or their songs, bit by bit he unconsciously ended up humming them and even dancing as if he had never forgot them.
One day Ritsu got quite late after one of his unit jobs, so he expected to go straight to Mao's departmet and sleep, but when he entered the place there were still lights on, which seemed unusual to him. Was he still awake despite how late it was? He thought that maybe he had just forgotten to turn off the lights (something that happened many times the first few days after the incident) but decided to go see the redhead's room to make sure he was asleep. He found him looking out at the window of the room silently sobbing, he remained static, the first thing that occurred to him was to approach him slowly to be able to hug him, and as he got closer to Mao he could see his phone to one side with the gallery open, he realized that Mao was looking a couple of pictures about the two of them.
“Maa~kun, is something wrong? Why are you crying?” He spoke with a soft voice trying to calm the boy so that he could respond. Mao took a deep breath before he could speak.
“I'm sorry, it's just ... I'm scared.” Mao's voice started to break but he still continued speaking. “What if ... What if I forget even more things? What if I can't remember what happened? There are... There are so many things that everyone says we did together but ... I can't remember what it was, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many things they show me, there are some things that I just can't remember... I want to make them come back to me, but...” He began to cry more than before; Ritsu felt like his heart was being squeezed with each word that Mao released. “Ritsu, what if... If one day I forget everything instead of remembering? What if one day i forget you? I don't want that happens...” That took the aforementioned by surprise, Ritsu didn't expect him to say something like that, so he positioned himself in front of Mao to gently take him by the cheeks and wipe away his tears. Looking at his beloved Maakun crying like that just made him feel he hasn't the right to stay by his side, but he couldn't, much less wanted, just stay there staring at Mao while he was crying so scared right now; Ritsu swore that he would never make Mao cry like that again and that he was going to do everything to make him the happiest person in the world from now on.
“Maakun, it's okay if you don't remember, even if you forget, it isn't your fault and you don't do it on purpose, they won't hate you if you forget some things because you're still you.” He paused for Mao to look at him. “You don't have to worry for me because I will never let you forget me, I'll be by your side to always take care of you, 'kay? It's a promise, and would die before breaking one.” After those words, he raised the contrary's bangs a little to provide him with a short kiss on his forehead, close to the scar left by that blow and then hugged him to comfort him, to let Mao know that he was there for him and that he won't let him feel scared ever again; Mao sobbed until he managed to calm himself down and fall asleep in Ritsu's arms. He stared at the boy who was sleeping in his embrace, still leaning on his shoulder; even if he really didn't deserve to be next to someone like Mao, he had promised to stay by his side, even if Mao no longer remembered how he once felt for Ritsu. He tought he was being selfish now, but Ritsu was willing to make Mao fall in love with him again, to make him happier than he was before.
–––
A couple of months passed and Mao had finally been able to perform normally again on stage, so much so that, after a long time and a lot of effort, Trickstar would be touring the country in a few weeks; Mao kept asking Ritsu if he really didn't want to accompany him, since thanks to a certain chestnut-haired girl, they had obtained permission to take an extra guest with them, and of course, the redhead only came up with one person in mind, but that person could only answer over and over again "no", that he should go alone with his friends (even if Ritsu wouldn't have a job at Knights for a little while,) and that he'd support him even from afar. For Mao this seemed quite strange, surely the Ritsu of several months ago would have instantly said yes.
How the things change, huh? Mao never imagined himself waiting for his best friend in a cafe with a rose in his hand to declare his feelings for Ritsu, if someone told him that to the "he" from a year or two ago, he wouldn't believe it, but there he was, more nervous than he had been in a while; he had so many things to say to him, to thank him for having stayed by his side despite having forgotten things that were more important to Ritsu than his own life,– because even if Ritsu didn't tell him, Mao knew that whatever he had forgotten was too important to the other,– for having helped him no matter what, and for having encouraged him all the times when he felt he would give up. He wanted to tell him that even if he forgot the important things his feelings were always there although it took him a little to realize them (for the second time), he wanted to give him his heart once more and promise him that, no matter what would happen again, this time he wouldn't forget everything he had experienced at his side. And as if they had both agreed, a certain crimson-eyed guy was making his way to the cafe with a rose in his hand where his precious Mao was waiting for him with the same idea as the other, and even he decided that he was going to tell him about everything he was afraid to mention him for a long time. Unfortunately, Ritsu will never be able to say all those things to Mao.
Hours later Mao found out the reason why Ritsu hadn't come to meet him: he received a call from the eldest of the 'Sakuma' brothers to tell him how he urgently needed to see him and that if they could see each other somewhere, which made Mao began to worry. Rei was trying to gather the necessary strength to be able to face the redhead, but all his efforts to stay "firm" went to the pipe when he saw Mao approaching from the sidewalk. When he was finally face to face with Mao he couldn't hold back his tears, the one in front of him simply made him remember his little brother smiling with a happiness that he hadn't seen on his face for a long time and now he could never see it again; Mao didn't like the way things looked, having his best friend's older brother crying in front of him and the fact that Ritsu didn't answer started to make him terribly anxious and more worried.
The eldest told him that Ritsu was unlucky to be in a bad place at the wrong time, because unfortunately he was an innocent victim of a car accident that hit him full and ended with his life almost instantly.
Mao froze.
What Rei had just said to him was impossible; he didn't realize at what moment he began to cry too, he was trying to process it. The dearest person to him had left in just a matter of seconds and he had no idea about it until now, this time he had no way to get him back or to speak again with him.
"No... it's impossible... Ricchan you... You promised you'd be by my side...". Mao lowered his head to see his phone with a photo of both in the locked screen, that photo was recent from a few days ago, the more he looked at the smile of that black-haired guy,– the love of his life,– his heart broke more. After that moment he couldn't hear anything else, the last thing on his mind was that Rei saying that the only thing that had been "saved" was the Ritsu's phone, and the fact that, even after all, Ritsu had clung to the rose in his hands, "I'm sure that until his last breath, Ritsu was thinking about you ..."; life again took something from him that he wanted so badly to treasure with his life in the blink of an eye.
Now, the only thing he had left of Ritsu were his own memories and his phone, which Rei insisted that he should keep, since he didn't know the password of the device and Mao was the best person to keep it anyway, surely Ritsu would've wanted it that way Rei thought. Days passed and Mao decided to see if there were photos, videos or something like that in the phone; he was still really depressed and he knew that doing that would just make him even sadder.
Even if he tried to avoid it, he ended up thinking about Ritsu.
inadvertently started sharing now felt too empty. He found a video where the two of them appeared playing inside the little department, he remember clearly that day,— Ritsu arrived from a meeting with Knights and he seemed to have more energy than usual, he started messing with Mao and somehow they ended having a pillowfight,— Ritsu seemed so happy in that fragment of video, looking at that little bright smile of him just made Mao started cry hard again.
Rei's words were still echoing in his head, "I'm sure that until his last breath, Ritsu was thinking about you”. Sure Ritsu thought about Mao until the last second but that only made him feel worse; knowing that the most important person in his whole life had left this world without being able to even tell him what he really felt made him feel miserable, he wanted to feel the warmth of his Ricchan even if it was just one more time.