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1. During a heart-to-heart
Let's face it, when you're friends with someone for a long time, you don't realize how comfortable you've gotten with them. You talk about everything and nothing— from today's cloudy weather to your deep and personal childhood trauma, even retelling the same stories. It's like when you truly care about each other, nothing is ever boring.
It's why on this god-awful date, the only thing that's keeping Buck grounded is the thought of going to Eddie's and ranting about it later, the conversation likely soon switching to all sorts of different subjects because that's just how it is with them.
As his date— Buck thinks his name is Jeff (he really doesn't know anymore)— continues to tell yet another story about himself in which he is the hero, Buck squeezes his wine glass so hard that the endless mental spiral that he's trying to pass off as genuine interest fleetingly leads him to wonder why it hasn't shattered into pieces yet.
Well, the night's still young.
He should have assumed it would turn out this way. He only really started dating again because his crush on Eddie is getting way out of control, and Eddie seems to be interested in Ana, who's just re-entered his life, so going on dates seemed like such a great idea.
In hindsight, dating just to distract himself from his other, more complicated feelings seems like a counter-productive strategy that would backfire in the long run. But then again, maybe he'll meet someone great and Eddie and Buck can stay the best friends that they are without some pesky feelings getting in the way, especially for Christopher's sake. He's young, and he's been through enough; does he really need more of that?
Clearly, Buck has decided that no, he does not, else he wouldn't be here.
"Isn't that just so crazy?" Jeff asks him through excessive laughter, palm slapping the table so hard that Buck can feel the gaze of other couples side-eying them in the restaurant. It's the first question he's asked Buck all night, but despite having not been listening for the past maybe half-hour, Buck assumes that from the other stories he's been told, it's not as crazy as this man thinks it is.
He's probably exaggerating, the man's not so bad. After all, there must have been some quality that attracted him. But whatever that quality is, Buck's forgotten because as far as he knows, Jeff's a highly-esteemed lawyer, and he needs him— and everyone else to know it.
"Hmm?" Buck responds, sipping his red wine gingerly and tapping his fingers on the table, maintaining the look of yes, I've definitely been listening to your boring stories this whole time. "Oh, yes, very."
He worries that he's been laying it on a little too thick, but if he is, Jeff doesn't seem to notice. When he launches into another story, Buck sneakily pulls out his phone, fighting the urge to send an SOS to everyone he knows.
Buck: send help.
Eddie: Haha. Bad date?
Buck: How'd you guess?
***
"He made a big show of ordering all this extravagant stuff, I guess to show off, but nobody really gave a crap," Buck says, leaning on the arm of Eddie's couch, holding himself up by his fisted hand against the side of his head.
"Why would they?" Eddie asks, looking puzzled at the thought.
"Exactly!" It's like Buck gets a burst of energy from Eddie's agreement because he bolts out of his exhaustion-influenced position on the couch and sits upright, a sigh of victory escaping his lips. "It's like he thought we were in a book or something; he's the main character. Everyone is just oh so curious to know what mundane thing he's going to do next."
Eddie rolls his eyes at that, and Buck lets out a chuckle. "Did I ever tell you about that guy who forgot we were in an Italian restaurant and tried to show off by ordering everything in French?"
Eddie's eyes widen before narrowing again, brow furrowing in surprise, confusion, or whatever weird feeling that is absolutely justified to have a reaction like that. "You're joking."
"I'm not!" Buck shouted, glad Christopher was with his grandparents for tonight so he didn't have to sleep through their loud discussion. "The server and I just stared at each other like 'Do you want to tell him or shall I?' And then afterward he tried to justify it by saying he goes to so many high-end French restaurants so he's just used to it." Buck rolls his eyes at the memory.
"Yuck. I don't understand the level of confidence someone has to have to be able to do that."
"You mean arrogance," Buck corrects, and after a brief pause, Eddie nods in agreement and takes a long sip of his beer.
They're quiet for a while after that. Buck's staring at the remainder of beer left in his bottle, watching the liquid swirl around inside it whenever he makes a simple movement. Eddie looks like he's thinking about something much deeper, however. His lip is caught between his teeth and his eyes are looking above him as if they're about to roll back in his head. His gaze doesn't stay there for long, though, because now he's staring ahead of him and gnawing at his lip this time. Buck tries his very hardest not to focus on that, now squeezing the life out of the bottle, almost like earlier tonight with the wine glass, but now it's for an entirely different reason.
It's like something is always shifting between them, and it's never when they're talking. It's when they're silent, pondering their recent topics, wondering whether they've said too much or too little. At least, that's what Buck thinks about; he can't speak for Eddie.
The silence is unbearable now, so Buck breaks it. "What's going on in that head of yours?" He keeps his tone light but internally, he's being serious. What changed in the last five to ten minutes?
"Nothing," Eddie quickly responds, and Buck just gives him a look that causes him to sigh in defeat. "It's just... don't you know you deserve so much better than that?"
Like you? Buck wants to ask, but he keeps his mouth shut because it's weird and one-sided and so clearly not what he means.
"What do you mean?"
Eddie's the one giving him a look this time, like he's surprised or exasperated or bewildered, like he can't comprehend that question because in his mind it's such an easy concept to understand. "You go on all these terrible dates, it's like you think that's what you deserve. You've got to know, Buck, it's not." He whispers the last part, and Buck instantly feels some guilt stab him in the chest because he didn't realize how much this was hurting Eddie too. Eddie is someone who feels everything, yet refuses to admit it. It's why they're such a good pair.
Platonically, Buck. Platonically.
But does he really deserve more than what he allows for himself? Buck isn't so sure, but Eddie seems to be, and he can't stop himself from asking anymore.
"And what do you think I deserve?" He asks softly, surprised at how easily Eddie answers the question.
"Someone who makes you laugh harder than you ever thought you could have, but you can also share anything with them."
But you're all those things, Eddie.
"Got anyone in mind?" He asks, and really, Buck's so close to laying it all on the line, blurting everything out because something in him is prepared to shatter if he keeps this friendship-changing secret any longer.
Eddie looks back up at him, and their eyes lock, his gaze hard, detached, and every single reason in the whole world not to throw caution to the wind and tell him floods back into his mind.
He can't. He won't. They have their relationship at work to think about, their friendship to think about, and especially Christopher to think about. He can't lose more people.
It's now that Buck realizes Eddie never answered the question, but it doesn't matter. His heart is beating so hard he swears Eddie can hear it, and his breath catches in his throat, hand itching to grab his neck in panic. "I should probably go," Buck starts, not a single element of enthusiasm in his voice because he doesn't want to go, not in a million years, but he has to before he ruins everything.
He always ruins everything.
"You don't have to," Eddie whispers as Buck stands up, staring up at him, gaze not as stoic but still painful to look at.
"I think I do," he responds, and when he sees the hurt and confusion in Eddie's expression, he adds a lie to soften the blow. "Maddie wanted me home to help her with something."
He must have been convincing enough because Eddie's face now turns into one of understanding, like the last twenty minutes didn't just happen.
"I'll see you tomorrow." It sounds weirdly formal as it comes out of his mouth, like he's greeting someone he's just met instead of the years-long best friend he's fallen for.
Eddie nods and that's that. The moment is over.
2. On accident
It's been a few days since that strange incident at Eddie's house, and while things are back to normal, they haven't talked about it, and Eddie has zero plan to.
They're as normal as normal can be. Buck had pranked him with the plastic fly in the ice cube when Eddie foolishly asked him to bring him a glass of water, they're planning on having movie night this coming Friday with Christopher, and the rest of the firehouse exchanges their usual knowing looks with him anytime they're within 3 feet of each other.
So yeah, normal.
"I can hear you thinking," Chimney says from across the fire station, rubbing his temples dramatically as if he has a headache.
"Hmm?" Eddie stares at him blankly.
"It's really loud. Thinking about Buck?"
Oh, what Eddie wouldn't give to wipe that smug smile off his face. "Shut up," he finally says, rolling his eyes, but they're both fully aware that he neither confirmed nor denied it.
"Is that a yes?"
"It's a yes and no," he says, "Let's just leave it at that."
"Come on, you can't just give me nothing." Chimney sits down next to him on the couch, a beige mug in hand. He holds it carefully in his lap instead of setting it on the table, lifting it every few seconds without looking at it to take a long sip. They both stare straight ahead, not making eye contact.
"Do you really want to know?" Eddie asks him, a hint of disbelief in his voice. Why is everyone else so curious about his love life? Is it a means of caring or do they just not have anything better to do?
"Clearly."
"Wait, I wanna hear this too!" Hen bolts in from out of nowhere, sitting on the other side of Eddie, eyes lit up with excitement.
"Where did you come from?" He asks, his own expression one of paralyzing surprise, bewilderment, like a deer caught in headlights when she jumps in next to him.
"Not important. So?" They both look at him expectantly and gee, he knew they were invested but not this invested.
He rolls his eyes again, throwing caution to the wind and hoping he doesn't look too starry-eyed by the end of this.
"Sorry," he apologizes for the long silence, "Just making sure no one else was gonna show up."
Hen gives him an unamused look, and he sighs.
Nonchalance is the key, he thinks. Tell the story casually; it's no big deal. That way they won't make fun of him for looking too lovesick.
"He came over talking about this bad date he had, and by bad, I mean bad. Phenomenally bad. It's like he thinks that's what he deserves," Eddie tells them, repeating what he'd told Buck.
He relays the rest of the story, the weird silences, Buck deserving so much better than he thinks he does, that strange point in which he'd looked at him and asked if he had anyone in mind.
All of it. He's not a talker but this is nice.
So much for it not being a big deal. So much for in the beginning when he'd told himself it was a tiny, unrequited crush, one that with time, he'd get over. Spoiler alert, he never did.
"You should ask him out," Hen says bluntly once he finishes his story.
"What?"
"Show him that you're what he deserves," she says.
"I don't think that's what he meant when he said Buck deserves better," Chimney replies. What a knight in shining armor, he really couldn't have said it better.
"Yeah, but clearly Eddie's better."
"Well, duh."
"He's spent his whole life doing the chasing. He should get to be pursued by someone who truly cares for him."
It's like a debate at this point, as they argue from either side of him. Chimney and Hen lean in closer and closer to get their points across. Truly an attack on his personal space, he thinks. It's like he's not even there anymore, he thinks as they lean across him and switch between loud and soft whispers.
"Okay," he finally speaks up, deciding he's had enough. They both lean back and stare at him, and oh no, he didn't want this either.
"Ask him out," she advises, and by the tone of her voice, it's like a warning. As if bad things will happen to him if he doesn't. As if his battered body is going to be found facedown in a nearby river.
"Ask who out?" A familiar voice calls, louds footsteps emanating from behind him.
Buck.
Shit. Fuck. This is not good. His eyes widen, and his muscles tense. Jeez, is this what Buck does to him, or is he just anxious? It's been hard to separate the two lately.
"No one," Eddie says quickly. His hands rest on his thighs, anxiously pinching the fabric of his pants as they ball into fists. Buck furrows his eyebrow at the three of them, probably wondering what the big secret is.
Chimney, thank God, comes to his rescue. "We were just talking about this TV show," he tells Buck. "We think the two main characters should date."
That seems to convince him because his features relax and he doesn't ask any more questions.
That was close. If he's going to make an actual love confession, he'd rather it be on purpose. That way there's less embarrassment and less misunderstandings as well.
3. Too Late
He's going to do it. He's going to tell him. Today is the day.
After getting a huge pep talk from his sister, Buck's finally going to do it. He's finally going to tell Eddie how he feels because he's having this rare moment of clarity where all the signs point to his feelings being reciprocated, and he'd like to use this sudden burst of energy and courage to tell him the very thing that's been on the tip of his tongue for months before he comes down from this exhilarating high and decides to do his usual strategy of not saying a word.
"Don't be stupid, Buck," Maddie had joked. "Of course he loves you back!"
And he trusts Maddie's judgement because she's saved his ass many times before. Besides, they're way too similar, keeping secrets and pretending things don't matter, so if she's telling him he should actually talk about his feelings, then it probably is in his best interests.
This could either go really, really well, or crazy, catastrophically badly. For his sake, he hopes for the former, the butterflies in his gut telling him that, no, he isn't crazy, and yes, Eddie likes him back.
And it's silly to think of it as them "liking" each other because it sounds so elementary school, vaguely reminding him of when Christopher told him all the gossip going on at school.
Jack and Sarah are dating, and Sarah likes him, but she also likes Anna, and Anna likes her too, is what Chris had told him, and damn if he doesn't feel proud that he's the one Chris goes to to talk about these things, crushes and school drama and the like.
He tries to stay below the speed limit as he drives over to Eddie's house, a long and difficult battle to contain his excitement and adrenaline without making it go away completely and cause him to chicken out like he always does when it comes to this.
When he gets there, he practically jumps out of the car, jogging to the door and knocking rapidly on it because this can't wait one more second. Not if he can help it.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to wait long, which is good given the urgency of his mood. But when the door swings open, it doesn't reveal Eddie's brown eyes or the way his hair always seems to effortlessly fall into place. Instead, it reveals a shorter, curly-haired woman, and the adrenaline seems to dissipate all at once as recognition fills her gaze.
"Hey, Buck," Ana says, smiling warmly at him. The crazed light in his eyes fades, his features schooling into a polite smile.
Eddie never told him about her. Well, not in so many words. He knew she was around, that they'd run into each other but not that they were spending time together, going on dates, staying at his place.
It's not like he has to tell him, but something stirs within him at the fact that he didn't. Like he's hiding it. And why?
"Oh, hi, Ana," he tells her, returning her smile, chuckling nervously before taking a step back. "I'm sorry, for interrupting, I'm just gonna go."
"Did you want to talk to Edmundo?" She asks him, and he fights the urge to narrow his eyes at that. He's never heard anyone call Eddie that before; he's not used to it.
"No, it's okay. It wasn't important."
"Do you want me to tell him you were here?"
"No, that's alright," he replies. His tone is light as he awkwardly waves goodbye, turning around and walking back to his car dejectedly. He takes a risk and looks back, watching the door close behind Ana.
He should've known. He thought for one crazy moment that he could do it, that he could tell him, that it was reciprocated. And it never was. It's all in his head. He was projecting his own silly crush onto Eddie so he could feel less insane, and it didn't work. It just makes him feel worse, like he should have seen something like this coming.
Buckleys don't tend to get what they want. Maddie can confirm that for him.
On the drive back, he fights back tears. He's not going to cry about this. He can't. He shouldn't. He won't.
The repetitive can't, shouldn't, won't was supposed to make his eyes less damp, but instead, he can't control the tear that rolls down his cheek. He wipes it away angrily, continuing to drive as if it never happened.
He unlocks the door to find Maddie waiting in the living room. "Buck? You're back early," she says, turning around to look at him, her eyes softening as they lock with his. That perceptive big sister energy that always seems to know exactly what he's feeling from a single glance. He's not sure whether he loves it or hates it.
She guides him down to sit next to her on the couch after grabbing them both beers from the kitchen, both leaning back, heads slightly tilted toward the ceiling. "What happened?" She asks after several beats of silence, handing him the ice cold bottle.
He opens it without looking at it and lifts his head up to take a good, long sip. "Too late," he says, sighing. "I knocked on the door, and there was a woman there. Ana."
Vague recognition flares in her eyes, probably from him having mentioned her once or twice. "I still think he likes you," she says after an even longer noiseless but far from peaceful period.
"Maybe," is all Buck says because again, his sister is perceptive and maybe she sees something that he doesn't, but at the same time, he's with Ana now and they seem relatively cozy so whatever small chance he may have had with Eddie is long gone now.
It doesn't count as chickening out, not necessarily, he rationalizes because he had every intent to tell Eddie exactly how he feels but unforeseen circumstances got in the way of that. So he's respectfully bowed out to support Eddie's new relationship.
Yeah, that sounds right. Sounds noble, even. He relays this to Maddie, who lifts her own head up off the couch to look at him, bewilderment mixed with a little bit of amusement on her face.
"That's bullshit," she tells him flat-out, and coming from anyone else, he may have been offended, but from her, he doesn't even flinch or give it a second thought.
"Yeah, I know."
4. Playing a Dumb Game
This game has always gotten Eddie into trouble, why should today be any different? One time he played Truth or Dare as a teenager and he ended up having to streak up and down the block.
Some memories are better off left dead and buried, but the embarrassing ones really do come back years later and make you stop in your tracks and cringe.
"Okay, Chimney, I dare you to.... FaceTime a random person in your phone and do a chicken dance," Hen tells him.
The worst— and funniest part is that Chimney doesn't even complain, it's like a normal fucking Tuesday for him to be chicken dancing in front of all his coworkers.
He fiddles with his phone for a moment, refusing to show anyone just who it is he called. Eddie rolls his eyes at Chimney's drama, chuckling when Maddie's voice sounds from the speaker.
"Howie?" She asks confusedly. "What's going on?"
He ignores her question and stands up, hands settling on his hips and moving back and forth, Chimney spinning around in a circle as he makes chicken noises.
"Bock-Bock-Bock," he repeats over and over, continuing his dance for a while before he sits back down and takes the phone from where it's leaning against Hen's water bottle.
Eddie glances over at Buck, who's currently sprawled out on the floor, face-down on the ground as he laughs hysterically.
"It was a dare," Chimney finally explains to Maddie. Her lips twitch, trying to hide a smile while maintaining the unimpressed look on her face.
"I just have one question."
"Yeah, what's that?" Chimney smiles, and they're definitely going to be teasing him about the way he's looking at her later.
"Why?"
"Why not?"
She hangs up after that and they break into laughter again, Buck lifting himself off the floor and into an upright position.
"I hate that you made me do that," Chimney says to Hen.
"Shut up, you loved it."
He rolls his eyes and doesn't deny it. "Who is going next?"
"Uh, you," Eddie says.
"Oh, right. Buck, truth or dare?"
Buck's eyes move around the room for a moment as if he's in serious thought before he locks them with Chimney's again. "I don't feel like doing any crazy chicken dances right now, so I pick truth."
"Tell me about your latest crush," he says, Buck's eyes widening as Chimney's lips lift to form a cheeky grin. Eddie's eyes snap up when Chimney asks this because any answer Buck provides will prove very, very interesting to him. Almost embarrassingly interesting.
"Um, do I have to?" He chuckles awkwardly. Not uncomfortably, it seems, because if so, then they'd have all assured him he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to since it's just a silly game. And it's understandable that some people want to keep that kind of thing private.
"Well," he says, "I've liked him for a while but I don't think he has any idea. I almost told him the other day, got really close to, but now I don't think I can."
"Why's that?" Hen asks softly.
"I think he's dating someone else."
Eddie's eyebrow quirks up at that. While he did want to hear Buck's answer, he wasn't expecting that. Didn't expect some kind of unrequited love thing going on with him.
And why is it that they're all looking at Buck as if they know what's going on? Is he the only one out of the loop?
Why wouldn't he tell him?
This isn't about you, Eddie. Comfort him.
"That really sucks," he breathes, "Do you know that for a fact?"
Buck's tongue pokes the side of his cheek as his eyes trail in toward the ceiling as if in thought. "No, but given what happened, I can't really see any other explanation."
After he says that, the discussion ends, and it soon leads to Eddie stupidly picking dare and ending up taking a shot of hot sauce.
He supposes he did it to himself; taking a dare from Buck should have already had alarm bells ringing in his head to run far, far away.
Speaking of alarm bells, the bell rings, and the game is over, but that doesn't mean the whole incident is off his mind.
***
Why didn't he tell him?
The question rolls around in Eddie's head, emptying it of any other thought so it can bounce of the walls of his skull and ultimately drive him crazy.
They're close, right? Eddie used to talk to him about Shannon when she was back in the picture, and their friendship had only just begun at that point.
There's no reason for Buck not to tell him about this.
Unless... maybe it's him.
Ana had told him about Buck's presence the other night, that stricken look on his face when they'd locked eyes, telling him not to ask Buck about it because she'd agreed not to say anything, but really thought Eddie should know.
There was this... craze in his eyes that quickly faded, according to her, like whatever he was there for was of the utmost importance, but then he got spooked when it became clear that Eddie wasn't alone.
"I think he likes you," Ana had said. She'd recently started dating someone and Eddie couldn't be happier for her because they were really starting to become great friends.
It would explain a lot, though. The leaning in and then pulling away, both literally and figuratively. The way he's the only one who seemed not to know about his feelings for a certain someone.
But ultimately, Eddie has never been one to get his hopes up about anything, and he isn't about to start now.
"Buck?" He calls out to him once they're alone.
"Yeah?"
"You know you can come to me about anything, right?"
Eddie hears him mutter something under his breath that he can't quite make out, choosing not to ask, assuming that if he didn't say it loud enough for him to hear, then he probably doesn't want him too.
"Yeah," Buck says, sighing, "Why?"
"You just seem so... closed off lately." He chooses his words carefully, sifting them through an imaginary filter, knowing that if he says the wrong thing, Buck will flee in the opposite direction, and clearly that isn't something he wants, because all he seems to want lately is to get closer to him.
Is that pathetic? Probably, he thinks.
"Is this because I didn't tell you about him?" The word him hangs in the air so awkwardly, begging Eddie to play dumb and ask what he's talking about. Eddie shakes his head, fighting the urge to act like that. It won't get him anywhere.
"Maybe?" It's like he's asking even himself even though he knows the answer.
"It's hard to explain," Buck says, fidgeting with his hands in his lap, trying to justify himself, which isn't what Eddie wanted at all.
"You don't have to," he responds quickly, and the urge to rest his hand on Buck's and word vomit all of his feelings comes so naturally that he almost does it before those familiar alarm bells go off in his head.
Buck just turns his head rapidly, staring at him, eyes so deeply blue and his mouth falling open ever-so-slightly, like he's dying inside. Like he wants to explain it to him to please him like he tries so hard to do with everyone else in his life, but he can't for the sake of his own preservation. Eddie says nothing, instead basking in the silence and returning Buck's gaze, hoping that he'll realize his comfort comes first.
After some time, Buck finally breaks their eye contact, staring at a spot on the ground. Eddie can't help but be glad because the longer they'd stared at each other, the more that tightness in his chest began to build, not from panic but from so many words that continue to be left unsaid.
From both of them, it seems.
5. Out Drinking
Buck and Maddie aren't ones to drink too much, but Taylor seems to have a wild kind of influence on them. They've arrived at the bar just recently to meet her so they could all unwind, and it appears she's already downed a couple of shots, judging by the craze in her eyes you can really only get from liquid courage.
"Taylor, slow down a little bit," Buck tells her, his eyes narrowed slightly with an air of concern, his own alcohol tolerance not being so hot.
That becomes evident as the night goes on, Buck wincing at the strong taste of the tequila shots as they slide down his throat, loosening him up a little bit, his inhibitions slowly but surely lowering until they become nothing more than a distant memory. Something to deal with in the wee hours of the morning when regret inevitably starts to set in.
But that's the future. This is the present. In the present, the shining rainbow lights of the otherwise dimly-lit club travel across the area and illuminate different parts of their faces every time, the tantalizing colors having clearly tempted all of them to let loose their inner psychos.
Maddie downs some shots of her own and starts playing with her phone, taking terrible pictures of all of them together, even taking the one where she sticks two fingers behind Buck's head to resemble bunny ears and the pout that came with it shortly after when he realized what she was doing.
"Hey, Buck?" Taylor calls out to him, and if not for the increasing slurring of her words, he wouldn't be aware of how quickly the night is passing.
"Yes?" He responds, his voice not as far gone as Taylor's.
"You know what you should do?"
"What?"
"You should... call Eddie. No, text him. No, wait, call him?" Her face scrunches up questioningly as he looks at him until Maddie pipes up from between them.
"Buck, that's a great idea!" Maddie says, gasping as if it truly were the most wonderful idea ever thought of, before she descends into infectious giggles that quickly spread through all three of them before dying off.
"Yes!" Taylor agrees as if it weren't her own thought. She and Maddie high-five in triumph.
"This is the idea of the century!" Buck screeches, eyes lit up at the thought of Eddie, pulling out his phone to frantically text Eddie as Taylor signals the bartender to bring them more tequila.
Buck: rusu3udhsb
Buck: eds
Buck: I have something to whfywixhru3
Buck passes the phone around for his sister and friend to see. "Guys, he's typing!"
"Yes!" Taylor says, quickly throwing back one the shots that had just been set down at the table.
"What's he saying?" Maddie's eyes are wide with curiosity, a trait that is pure Buckley genetics.
Eddie: ?
Eddie: Are you okay?
Buck: everything's greet
Buck: *grat
Buck: wait that's not it
Buck: grot
Buck: graet
Eddie: do you mean great?
Buck: YEAH
Buck: that's it!
"Let's send him a voice message," Maddie yells, smiling when both Taylor and Buck smile in the affirmative.
"Another great idea!"
When Buck turns on the microphone, they all start screaming into it, going on different tangents at the same time.
"Hi, Eddie!" Taylor yells as Maddie throws back her abandoned shot and screams over the loud club music "This tequila is amazing!"
Everyone else at the club doesn't even notice their erratic behavior, too busy with their own antics.
"I have a secret to tell you!"
"Yes, he does!" Maddie and Taylor reply simultaneously as if Buck were singing live on a huge stage and they were his backup singers.
He ends the recording and sends it to him, handing the phone to Maddie, as she's the one sitting in the middle so they can all see what Eddie says.
Eddie: this is... a lot.
Eddie: What's your secret??
Buck: i has secret
Eddie: I know that. What is the secret? (No pressure)
Buck: u tell me a secret first.
Eddie: what kind of secret?
Maddie squeals at Eddie's responses, handing the phone back to Buck every time he does. He says his replies out loud for them to hear so they can also screech about that even though in the sober light of day, they'd probably be way more confused.
Buck: any secret.
Eddie: uh okay
Eddie: well
Eddie: i used to hide chocolate in vegetable bags in the freezer so Chris wouldn't find it
Buck: woah
Buck: that's like
Buck: whoa.
Eddie: lmao yeah.
Eddie: is everything okay over there
Buck: YEP
Buck: ALL GOOD.
"Wait, I got a question," Maddie says, her voice low as if she had a deep and personal secret to share.
"Yeah?"
"What's the secret?"
"The chocolate thing?" Taylor says confusedly.
"No, I mean, what's Buck's? The one he told Eddie he has?"
"That he's in love with him, duh!"
"Oh, right. Wait. Maybe this is a bad idea," Maddie says softly, like this small, fleeting moment of clarity has allowed her to come to this conclusion.
Eddie: so what's your secret?
Buck: ily.
Eddie: i love you too, but what's the secret?
Buck: that's the secret
Eddie: that's not a secret, Buck.
"He said he loves you! Let's go!" Taylor says, fist-bumping the air.
"No, I think he said that pla—plac—platonically." Maddie hiccups, making her stumble over her words.
"Doesn't matter!"
The rest of the night goes by hilariously, going through a couple more shots before they all decide to head out together, calling an Uber so they can all stay at Taylor's place, and they all leave the poor man who picks them up an extra big tip for the amount of times they broke into hysterical laughter and made nonsensical statements during the ride back.
***
"Why does my head feel like it's full of rocks?" Buck groans, one eye opening to reveal bright sunlight that makes him wince and close his eyes again as he tries to lift himself from his position.
"Probably because it is," Maddie quips, lifting her head off the pillow she's mysteriously obtained, but her voice sounds strained and painful, not full of the lighthearted sass a retort like that should have.
"Did we all fall asleep on the floor?" Buck asks her as Taylor lifts herself from the sideways position she's in.
"Oh, God," she says finally, "How much did we have to drink?"
"Too much," Maddie replies, setting her head back down.
"Maddie, where did you get a pillow?"
"I vaguely remember Taylor giving it to me; don't ask me why. Thank you, by the way."
"You're welcome."
"Do any of us have work today?" Maddie says.
"Buck?" Taylor turns to him.
"Damn. I have a shift today."
"I have one too, but it's not until later," Maddie replies to her own question, letting out a painful groan. "I'm pretty sure you have work too, Taylor, let's get up and at it."
***
After a lot of questioning himself about how much ibuprofen is too much ibuprofen and vomiting into Taylor's trashcan, Buck shows up at the fire station a few hours later, his head pounding.
"Nobody ask me questions," he whispers, "I am incredibly hungover."
Bobby seems to get the message, and Chimney has a knowing look on his face. Maybe Maddie told him something.
"Wait, I do have one question. Did I send anyone anything weird last night?"
Hen shrugs, and Bobby's already left. Eddie, however, snorts.
Buck's blood runs cold at the sound. Not in the way it would if he'd found out he was dying, but a feeling of dread. Not to mention embarrassment.
"Oh, God," he says after a moment of self-reflection into why he is the way that he is, "What did I do? I was, uh, too scared to check my phone." He lets out a self-depreciating chuckle.
"Just a lot of random text messages and going on about some secret. Also a voice message." He grins, a teeth-flashing one like this is something he'll never live down.
Buck groans, hiding his head in his hands when Eddie walks closer to him, shrinking the distance between them. "I am never drinking again." He knows he's being dramatic, but he probably won't be touching alcohol for a while.
Eddie snorts again at that, and Buck is too hungover and tired to ask why.
"Just one question," Eddie says, a glint in his eyes that assures him it's not anything bad but definitely not something good. He's got a trick up his sleeve, and that's never a good thing.
"What?"
"What's this secret you were talking about?"
"Huh?" Buck looks at him like he's grown a second head, flashes from last night reappearing in his mind. Maddie giggling. Taylor downing shots. Buck texting Eddie.
Oh, God. That secret. The one that starts with "I have a hopeless crush," and ends with "on you."
That's a can of worms that does not need to be opened on this not-so-fine day, thank you very much. Not with Buck wanting to chop his head off as if that would relieve him of the lingering migraine. But, damn, he really did come close to just spilling it all, didn't he?
"What did I tell you it was?" Buck asks him, but does he really want to know?
Eddie opens his phone to the text messages between him and Buck last night, and Buck simultaneously has the urges to look away from the embarrassment or lean into his curiosity.
"You just wrote 'ily,'" Eddie explains, and Buck runs his tongue across his teeth thoughtfully.
So technically he did confess. Not exactly. Not in a way that would be taken seriously. It sounded affectionate, but platonic. That's okay, better than okay, even.
Platonic. That's all it would ever be, it seems. Whether Buck's crush is reciprocated or not, they always seem to get stuck in this weird limbo. They're friends but could maybe be more, maybe not.
He's supposed to be happy he didn't say anything revealing, but something rests in the pit of his stomach that doesn't reflect that. It's gnawing at him.
This secret is going to eat him alive if he doesn't do something about it soon.
+1. Almost Dying (again)
Part of the job of a firefighter is taking risks. Everyone knows that. The 118 knows that. Eddie knows that. But every time one of their friends— nay, family, rush into a burning building and they don't reply instantly when called over the radio, it happens. Blood rushing to their heads, hands growing clammy, hearts pounding in their ears, and what-ifs swirling around in their minds while trying to maintain a calm demeanor, which is another part of the job, it seems. Look calm when you're actually freaking the fuck out. It doesn't always work, though.
Eddie knows this because it happens to him too. It's the thing they almost never talk about, other than sharing knowing looks and comforting hugs when it's all over. But there's no verbal acknowledgement and Eddie's more than okay with that.
And he means almost. The exception is the time he was trapped in that well, drowning in the mud, almost dying and when it'd been over and he was admitted into the hospital, Hen had a moment alone with him and let him know Buck panicked when he thought Eddie wasn't coming back, and Eddie knew in that same moment if the roles were reversed, he'd have acted the exact same way.
And they're all freaking out now. But it's not so hidden now, not nearly as maintained because most of the time, despite the fear, there's hope. A gut feeling that says maybe everything's going to be fine.
There's no gut feeling now, only heart-wrenching questions because Bobby ordered Buck and Eddie to get out of the burning building, but Buck, of course, didn't listen. That's him for you.
Eddie had turned around to see that Buck wasn't there behind him, now inspiring this freak-out.
"Buckley!" Bobby calls, just as what's left of the top floor collapses, and his legs start to wobble as it comes crashing down, and not in the way they usually weaken when Chris or Buck smile at him. Smiles are the light at the end of the tunnel. This right here is the tunnel, and there's no light in sight.
"Buck!" Eddie screams before he can stop himself.
Seconds pass, and it's quiet. Too quiet for a literal fire.
More seconds. No sound.
"Wait!" Hen calls, squinting. "Do you see that?" She says this to no one in particular, and Eddie copies her narrowed gaze, watching as Buck appears from the rubble, face soot-stained while carrying a kitten in his arms.
"I heard meowing," is all he says to justify it, a cheeky smile on his lips as if he hadn't been close to staring death in the face.
"You're an idiot," Eddie says in reply, rolling his eyes at him and sniffing loudly, nose clogged from unshed tears.
He can feel the gazes of the crew when they finish up business and walk back to the truck, the knowing stares, and he can't comment on it because Buck's right there.
It's like they're trying to tell him something, and he either can't hear it or is trying his best not to.
***
"What the hell is going on with you?" Buck asks, continuing to follow him like he has for a while. They're in the locker room, and Eddie doesn't think he has any way out now.
He's not mad at him, not exactly. But he acts like he's expendable, risking his life so easily as if everyone wouldn't simply die if Buck were gone.
He can't be upset, he tells himself. It's part of the job; it's what everyone everyone signed up for.
"Nothing, Buck," he sighs as he says it for what's now probably the millionth time. "Can't you just drop it?" He mutters more to himself than to anyone else, but it doesn't stop Buck from replying.
"No, Eddie. I can't." There's a desperation in his voice now, barely hidden in his whisper.
"You risked your life out there," Eddie finally says, "For a cat."
"All life is precious, Eddie." He chuckles a little at the platitude as if he's trying to lighten the moment, but the attempt falls flat when Eddie doesn't smile or roll his eyes in return as he would in any other circumstance.
"I know, but... a cat."
Buck remains silent, and Eddie can't blame him. How do you respond to that?
Eddie sighs again, a longer and louder one, the air making a soothing sound as it escapes his lips. "If you... leave one day, and don't come back... Chris would be heartbroken."
He regrets the way it comes out, using his child to mask his own feelings.
Buck quirks an eyebrow amusedly, like he just knows. "Just Chris?"
"Maddie too. And the 118. All of us," he tries to correct himself but it just feels like filler, prolonging the moment so he doesn't end up word vomiting all of his feelings.
"You included?"
"Of course."
"Hmm."
"Hmm?" He repeats Buck questioningly.
"In what way?"
"Huh?"
Buck is the one who sighs this time, but it comes out as more of a huff, like he really didn't want to have to explain himself but now he had to because Eddie's not quite getting the message.
"As a co-worker, as a friend, or something else maybe?" There's an air of hope at the "something else" and God, does Eddie feel like an idiot for waiting so long to do something.
Eddie leans in closer and gives him a thoughtful, yet soft look. "What do you think?"
They both lean in, meeting halfway. If it was supposed to be a simple peck, that option is no longer on the table as the kiss becomes more intense, Eddie's hands running through Buck's blond hair while Buck's wrap around Eddie's lower back.
They smile into each other's mouths right before they separate, teeth bumping together haphazardly. When they finally do, Buck, despite looking absolutely wrecked, doesn't break his tight hold on Eddie and neither does he.
"I think... that we're both idiots for fighting this."
Eddie chuckles.
"Agreed!" Chimney calls from the other room, and Eddie doesn't have to strain too much to hear Hen's cackles follow shortly after.
Buck goes bright red, and Eddie's aware he probably looks the same. "How long have you guys been listening?" Buck calls, resting his forehead on Eddie's shoulder in embarrassment, staring down at the floor.
"You don't want to know the answer to that!" Bobby says, and they finally leave the locker room to go confront them.
"Oh God, you too?"
"No comment."
"Ah crap, I gotta call Maddie and tell her she won the bet," Chimney says, fiddling with his phone disappearing into the locker room where Buck and Eddie just were with his phone pressed against his ear.
"Maddie won?" Buck asks, raising an eyebrow. "Thanks, guys, she's gonna hold this over my head for decades."
"You're welcome!" Chimney calls, and Buck rolls his eyes.
After answering dozens of messages from both Maddie and Taylor congratulating them on finally getting their heads out of their asses, their shift finally ends, and Buck and Eddie drive home together, comfortably silent after such an eventful day.
"How do you think Chris would feel about this?"
Eddie chuckles as he stops at a red light. "Don't worry, he's been hinting that he wants this to happen for a while."
"I wasn't worried," Buck defends himself, and Eddie side-eyes him, unconvinced.
"Sure you weren't."
"Shut up."
"I love you too," he tells Buck, and they fall into a comfortable silence again, perfectly ready to take this next step together.
And every step after that, too.