Chapter Text
It was an average day in Mondstadt-- as average as a day could be if the Good Hunter had been bought and replaced by the successful restaurant chain of KFC, owned by the one and only Colonel Sanders (don’t ask what Vision he has, it’s none of your business).
Although the handsome devil with the snow-white mustache with an equally bright smile was not at KFC. It was a disappointment compared to him: Diluc.
He hated this job, someone please save this poor man. This was a cry for help.
If he hadn’t been dying inside already due to the fact that he already had a job at the tavern, the worst thing that could happen happened. It was a Karen.
No, it was actually Noelle but the plot called for a Karen and Noelle was the closest to a Karen haircut that I could play. But she was a Karen now. A hahaha Karen for Reddit stories.
Anyway, Diluc wanted to die inside.
“Excuse me, young man do you have gluten-free chicken?” Noelle/Karen said. Her voice could make babies cry. Diluc wanted to cry.
“No.”
“Make it gluten-free.”
“No.”
“Why is there raw chicken just sitting around, isn’t that completely unsanitary?”
“Ma’am if you don’t get out of here, I’m going to slap you in the face with a big mf sword. I don’t get paid enough to give a crap.”
“I have the people’s best interests on my side, I’m going to shut you down and put you out of a job!”
“I own a tavern. I’m only here because I lost a bet.”
“So they’re hiring incompetent people?!” Karen shrieked.
“If I had another job, I wouldn’t be incompetent.”
“Whatever, minimum wage worker, I know my rights, we live in a free country!”
Diluc glared like really glared bloody murder at her. So much that he actually did try murdering her because he hopped onto the counter and tried to set her ablaze with that dog’s tomb weapon. Whoever named it should know that swords should not be used as headstones.
Noelle shrieked for the manager as she got out of arm’s reach of the flaming slab of iron.
Probably thankfully for the both of them, someone did hear and that someone was short, tiny, with a temper bigger than Diluc’s. He came out from behind the KFC like an oompa loompa and stood there.
“Miss gtfo,” said the leprechaun himself, Xiao.
What was he doing at the KFC in Mondstadt? Good question, that’s for politics to decide. Maybe the guy got fired as an adeptus or something no one is keeping track.
“No! Your employee attacked me!” shouted Noelle.
Diluc wanted to die inside. Maybe he should just quit.
“And I will too if you don’t leave my sight.” It isn’t a long shot that Xiao was actually reaching for the mask that meant that he was going to destroy something. This something being Noelle and sending her to wherever annoying people went.
“How dare you? Let me speak to your supervisor, you kid! Are you even old enough to work here?!”
As if on cue, someone appeared behind Noelle, a dark shadow with growing red eyes with a huge spear in her hand.
“If you don’t leave you’re gonna be on the menu next.”
The Noelle/Karen screeched and whipped around to be faced with Hu Tao. Why is Hu Tao here? Gal has to support her business somewhat so why not now?
Anyways, Noelle had the daylights scared out of her and she ran off with the crackhead following behind her with her polearm ablaze. This was really disturbing the peace. But what peace was there when people let Karens run around being Karens?
Like five minutes later because this is such a small town with a supposed population of hundreds, it didn’t take long for the cops to become involved. Hu Tao and Xiao left because they thought Karens were easily frightened creatures.
The man, the myth, the legend, the sus man who has only 2 braincells that don’t work, fricken mf Kaeya. He’s a cop. That actually does this stuff. Look he isn’t at the tavern he’s doing his job.
But like Noelle called him over because Karens love complaining to the police and he’s like the only guy who would deal with a case like this. It’s not that he respected the Karen, he just needed the reddit karma.
“hey diluc whats up?” he said, coming to a stop in front of the counter.
Diluc died inside knowing that this day is only getting worse. But he’s cool with Kaeya though, they somehow made up and are having the best bro time ever. Quality bros.
“Some Karen caused a ruckus,” he replied.
“lmAO knew she was one could tell by the hair its cut like a mf Karen”
“Yeah, that’s her alright. So what did she complain about?” Diluc said, crossing his arms like he’s some cool guy. He probably is, maybe Donna told him but Donna’s weird so that doesn’t count.
“tf mf you attacked her.”
“Yeah so? She was annoying,” he shrugged.
Kaeya couldn’t find an argument so he nodded and went, “yeah cool makes sense tbh i almost ignored her entirely lmao”
“If only you did,” sighed Diluc.
“well i might next time but for now ig i gotta tell you to stop attacking the locals, you might be wanted by the state
“btw on the topic of being wanted by the state, im gonna have to check in with your boss’ boss like the big head honcho of kfc. not sand man ders like the gal”
“Oh, Hu Tao?”
Hu Tao, as creepy as she was with scaring the living bejesus out of anyone and everyone, was a rare sight in Mondstadt so not everyone knew she was in the city. Good on her, like imagine the questions she would get because she’s not in Liyue like the responsible adult she is?
“ye her y’know shes a wanted war criminal right?” Kaeya leaned against the counter, being his usual kind of out there self. The guy’s strange.
“yeah like that mf has an entire file cabinet dedicated to her crimes back at hq,” explained Kaeya because Diluc does not like the fact that she can ruin his reputation with that. She won’t thank Barbatos. Or Archons. Or god. Which is the true god here, Klee? Or was it like some obscure four star character built as support but then someone made them a nuke?
“Huh I guess you’re right.” Diluc did know, kinda. He was a former knight so he might have looked at it before he thought that it was tedious. Like why not arrest her?
Well, he wasn’t one to talk now given his part time job had him being employed by her. Still, a dare was a dare. He will atone for his sins later.
“so like yeah shes bad news and im probably gonna have to arrest her so yeah”
“Good luck with that, inefficient mf,” sighed Diluc. He wasn’t about to fight Hu Tao though. Kinda stupid but Kaeya was stupid and he couldn’t put it past him.
They stood there for a few moments, staring awkwardly at each other. Diluc raised an eyebrow at Kaeya’s expectant expression. It was quite unnerving to say the least.
“well?”
“‘Well’ what?”
Kaeya rolled his eye and knocked on the counter. “are you going to get her for me lmao id rather not cause a scene with this”
With a sigh and a nod, Diluc turned on his heel and walked towards the back (which was pretty much going around the building because it was funny for scene play), leaving his brother to stare after him.
After what could only be thirty seconds, he came back with a very crackheaded woman who gave one look at Kaeya before screeching. “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”
The madwoman lit up her polearm and started booking it to god knows where in the city. A bid for freedom but everyone knows that the city of freedom isn’t actually freedom if there are cops stopping someone with war crimes from running a KFC branch.
Actually, it’s probably the smartest they do.
“wait wHAT HOL UP THERE!”
Kaeya started running after her and he pretty much bolted like this man was the Usian Bolt of Mondstadt, probably even in the whole of Teyvat. He was like Connor from that one David Cage game about robots chasing after the lord of pigeons. Good for him, he needed to be good at something.
Also when he left, Mona and Venti went to KFC to rob the place because they're broke and hungry. Someone solve the homelessness crisis in Mondstadt. Just ninety-nine cents a day will feed weird astrologists and bards all over the city.
Anyways Hu Tao did not listen because why would she? She has no boss and also she’s just crazy.
So Kaeya was really peeved by that because usually people flock to him and not away from him so he starts running after her in some elaborate police chase scene but on foot because Varka snapped his fingers and every horse in Teyvat vanished.
Finally, after chasing each other in circles for about ten minutes, Kaeya did the unspeakable and slapped her face with the side of the sword. Instant K.O. No really, this mf is dead. Like she isn't breathing or anything. Gal just couldn't handle the cold of steel hitting her head.
Kaeya did 1 mil get them views, all physical build got a level 69 aquila favonia.
"Are you kidding me?" Diluc said, staring out from behind the counter with Sara, still trying to tell Venti and Mona that their so-called "coupons" are actually napkins. "You're going to scare away customers by killing my supervisor in front of the KFC."
"im sorry i hit a crit and yeeted her into the fourth dimension," Kaeya said. He poked Hu Tao's body with the sword because she's obviously not yeeted into the sun, she's just dead.
"I don't care, I'm gonna get sued from this."
"ok fine lemme just get her out of here" He turned back to the body but it was gone. Like poofed into blue sparks. As if dead people in a video game left leave bodies imagine if they did, these mfs just vanish.
"i don't need to get her out of here anymore"
"Just go," groaned Diluc. Already, he could imagine the potential lawsuits that he was going to get. A good reason to quit his job and call the bet off.
Murder did not weigh down Kaeya's consciousness because this is still a crack fic and he's free from consequence. Everyone is like imagine death being a bad thing in a fic like this lmao.
Anyways there was a crime syndicate because of course the war criminal was in charge of a KFC and we all know they could peddle who knows what into the food. Actually, that's a very dangerous business practice and not money friendly.
So obviously Kaeya had to go investigate the other managers. This guy knows Diluc's fine because why would Diluc work for a crime complex when the dude dresses up like a chicken every night to ruin his sleep schedule and beat up people who put milk in before cereal.
Xiao was a manager, he was like the only other one there. So he had to know something or was just there like Diluc was. So might as well check it out.
But where was that guy who was supposed to be in Liyue? Maybe the bard knows because that guy made googly eyes at him when Kaeya was last at KFC.
Nah the bard shouldn't be bothered. Looking back at the restaurant chain, all Kaeya could see was Yoda fleeing for his life with his cape on fire with a furious looking Diluc on the counter. It smelled like burnt fabric.
Okay no, don't bother the bard fleeing from the gigantic Phoenix, what a wonderful idea. So Kaeya did the next best thing and go to one of the most remote places in the entire city to get his intel: the reputation gal. She saw everything the mf stands there all day.
The RNG gods were in his favor because the gremlin himself with the long pointy spear was chatting with her. Kaeya's 50/50 had been blessed and he got a C6 good feeling.
The plot gods were also in Kaeya's favor because he got there as soon as Xiao started talking and to further his blessed nature in the plot, him standing there granted him as unseen. But just in case his luck ran out or Xiao started metagaming, he hid behind a wall.
10/10 perfect disguise.
"Hey so there were some packages that were supposed to come in," Xiao said. The mf sounded like he ate gravel for breakfast, lunch, and dinner without anything to wash it down with. Smh did he not know how to eat gravel right?
"Mf I'm a reputation lady not a mailwoman," said Hertha. Her smile was wide but the woman looked like she wanted to cry. Intimidation.
"Bruh you have them or not?"
"No tf you don't see anything near me."
"Okay fine but Albedo wants them," grumbled Xiao. The fricker even crossed his arms like he's getting impatient with her.
"They'll be here soon," Hertha promised.
"Don't let them be late."
The conversation was boom over and Xiao sprinked pixie dust around himself and the guy either flew off so fast Kaeya couldn't see or the guy straight up vanished and died like Hu Tao.
Did that mean all Liyue people could just vanish in a cloud of smoke? Wizards.
So Albedo? What did Albedo even have to do with this, the guy doesn't even go to eat at KFC cause the guy eats snow and pinecones. Probably. So why's he in cahoots with a level 100 crime boss? Was he a level 1 thug?
The only thing that was apparent was that Kaeya needed to get to Dragonspine and deal with that mf Albedo before the guy went up another level in the mobile game ad heirachy. What if he reached pink level?
There was no time to lose, Kaeya fricken booked it up the stairs anime run style, no, not the Naruto one but the one where it shows the character's backs and they run all weird. Seriously, what is that run cycle, their arms are halfway to airplane mode. What are they gonna do, fly to their destination?
Yeah, so Kaeya just ran to Dragonspine.