Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jake turned in his king-sized bed. His limbs felt heavy against the cold sheets that he'd just attempted to kick off himself in a restless fit.

He was thinking of Dirk.

Old news, but the longing had been getting so unbearable as of late that even his dreams were riddled with images of him. His nape, his strong shoulders, his narrow waist… His touch. He opened his eyes just to stop seeing him so vividly, but the feeling unsurprisingly persisted.

Who had even ended it this time? What had been the stressor, the last straw that neither of them could take? He realized that he couldn't remember. Not that it mattered, the only thing that truly did at that moment was the absence of his warmth. The bed was too big and cold without him, like a malicious void packed to the brim with his non-existence.

But… just when had their conversations been reduced to small talk about their mutual friends or work? Why couldn't he bring himself to ask the pressing questions that danced around his mind and bare his heart? Simply. For once, for real. Instead they were trapped in a poor mimicry of closeness. All fabricated, all empty and ultimately meaningless.

"I miss him…" he sighed.

"Tragic. Truly," a familiar voice answered from behind.

Jake didn't move at first. The sudden presence in the room hadn't startled him, after all; he knew exactly who it was.

"So we meet again," he breathed out, turning to see the vague shape of Dirk sitting beside him, flickering like a flame in the wind. "Brain Ghost Dirk."

He couldn't make out most of him in the darkness, but sure enough there he was: the smug, sentient and somewhat not fake ghost imprint of his ex-boyfriend's jakeified psyche. Entirely powered by hopelessness (as pathetic as that was).

"Dirk will do," the blond corrected. "You can stop the squinty villain eyes thing, by the way. You look ridiculous."

"Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm blind as a frigging bat without my glasses?"

"Shit, my bad. I thought you were trying to be dramatic."

"Oh, I'm being plenty dramatic, thanks for noticing. But this—most unfortunately—isn't about you. You, sir, are in fact—and I don't mean to be a rude host—sort of disrupting the miserable moment I was having here!" Jake scoffed. After all those years Dirk's splintery nature still frustrated him to no end.

"You literally summoned me to your bed, bro, but—by all means—be as hostile as your heart demands."

"T-there has been some sort of mishap, clearly!"

"The self awareness just isn't there, huh?"

"Sh—Shut your gob, will you!"

"Shutting my gob is not in my repertoire, sorry. What's up, anyway? Missing Dirk hours?" Ghost Dirk elbowed Jake softly, but all he got for an answer was a noncommittal shrug. The brunette did heedlessly wiggle a bit closer to him, desperate for any kind of touch. His traitor body would take what it could get. "So we're doing this the coy way. Alright. Cool."

"Don't—don't say anything. Please. I just need to—" he stopped mid sentence, he didn't really know what he expected from the ghostly presence beside him. "Argh! Why in the world are you even here!"

"Is that the question you should be asking yourself? We both know why I'm here. What we've yet to cover is what for."

"How should I know? I went ahead and did this whopping—No, this thumping great oopsie appearifying an old flame of mine by accident! I'm evidently not in my best faculties to be asking myself any questions right now!"

"Then I'll be the one doing the asking, if you don't mind. What do you miss about him?"

Jake was quiet for some time, divided between honesty and denial. A part of him was painfully aware of the game he was playing, but the other was reluctant to play into it. He knew it would be one hell of a can of worms, whatever his choice.

"... The way he would hold my hand," he finally answered, doubts be damned. "For openers."

"M-hm. Like this, you mean?" Ghost Dirk rested his—slightly more corporeal?—hand on Jake's, his fingers easily finding where they belonged: intertwined, flush against Jake's skin. Jake couldn't keep a soft gasp from escaping him. His heart didn't waste a second picking up the pace either.

"I, uh—That seems... correct. Oddly so."

"Well? What else is there, boss? Ask and you shall receive," Ghost Dirk smirked.

"What else…? Oh. Funnily enough, the only thing that comes to mind now is how he'd clasp me to his bosom..." Jake laughed sourly. He was almost relieved when a spectral arm wrapped around him, his hand still tightly secured between the ghost's. "...So tautly…" he was brave enough to add. The grip hardened to a Dirk-like, comfortable squeeze. "...Yet softly…"

And so, he found himself nestled up against the mass of nothingness that was starting to be too much of a somethingness to chalk its existence up to the delirium of a touch-deprived mind. In fairness, that was precisely what it was, but—for better or for worse—most people didn't have Hope powers to make their longing fantasies a reality.

He hated how accommodating the blond was being. No mocking remarks left him at all during their embrace. Instead, his fingers started wandering along his back, so reassuringly that Jake thought his heart sunken beyond salvation.

"What a pesky little thing it is to remember his God blasted cheek and ear pecks!" he broke the silence with a half-hearted complaint. "Let me tell you, the bloke has no business whatso-friggin'-ever being this tender. With a sphinx-like face like his… Go figure!"

"Oh, absolutely. Dude's straight up pharaonic," Ghost Dirk laughed.

"Alright, he might not always be clear as mud, but you have to admit he is hard to read."

"Is he now? I wouldn't know," he shrugged. Before Jake could say anything else, he leaned forward and kissed his ear and peppered the entirety of his face with light kisses. "Not that hard now, is it?" Ah, there it was at last, the mockery.

Jake didn't answer, too focused on making the burn in the tip of his ears stay put instead of spreading across his skin like a wildfire. It was unfair. It was unfair that even in the safety of his own brain he couldn't know peace.

"What about this?" The blond pinned Jake's lower lip down with his thumb, unsparing. "Do you miss it too?" Against his better judgment, the brunette nodded and allowed to be kissed, too high on adrenaline to really question whether what he was doing was morally reprehensible.

The ghostly lips on him were virtually indistinguishable from Dirk's. If Jake closed his eyes for a moment, even the flickering was no more. Yes, if he didn't look he could almost take delight in their fleshy warmth. A few heart beats later, a set of hands joined in with tangible caresses, the humanity in them so believable that Jake had to fight back a tear.

Ghost Dirk knew, of course he knew. He pressed his nose to Jake's eyelid. Or it would be more accurate to say he tried to; his ridiculous shades, even in their spectral form, had always had a knack for inopportunity.

Jake felt a surge of white energy flowing through his veins and realized, with a bit of a start, that he was channeling his powers just so that he could palpably hold onto the blond and guide his mouth back where he wanted it: worrying at his lips, making him forget about his predicament.

The magic weakened when the blond got bolder and deepened the kiss, but it was his tender mouthing at Jake's neck that really broke it.

"W-whoa, hey, hey, hey! Snuggling is one thing, but below the neck smackering is an entirely different one!" Jake put a placating hand against the ghost's chest, horrified to find a spiking pulse there.

"Fuck, we were getting to the good part."

"Frig, frig, frig…" Jake wasn't listening. The panic burned red hot in his cheeks. The image of Dirk trembled in response, threatening to crumble and fade into nothingness. But it didn't. "What in the unholy plonker have I done? Where is my reason?"

"Jake."

"You can't—You can't. You're not him," he whispered, his hands covering his face in shame.

"Ouch." The blond sat back, keeping some distance from Jake to make a point of his annoyance. "I thought we'd already settled my status of realness in relation to the 'official' Dirk Strider. He's not me, sure. But in a concrete measurable degree of (unfortunate) factualness… I am him."

"Eh? No, you're… No offense, chap, but my reluctance to do this kind of, uh, in-the-throes-of-passion-thingamabob with you is not really—It's not really about what you are. Or, erm, aren't, I suppose?"

"Bro, at least be honest about it. You don't see me as the real thing."

"Well, gee, that is blunt. But—I'll give it to you. I admit it: I do not." He let that one hang in the air. "... A betrayal of trust. That's what I see this as."

"Right. Let me get this straight: You think you're cheating on your ex by making out with me, who—according to you—am a mere product of your imagination. A talking wet dream who's getting on your tits just so that you can rejoice in your misery."

"Great Scott… I truly do not like the sound of that. The picture it's painting is that of a man at his wits' end."

"Why don't you go tell him that? That you miss him so bad you're really considering having a guilt ridden smooch fest with the imaginary version of him that lives rent free in your mind. That might get you a solid one hundred pity points."

"How could I ever! Even if what you say holds water (which it does not… really), I'd like to think I've still got some dignity to keep…"

"He wouldn't mind it," Ghost Dirk shrugged. "... Not terribly."

"Hmph. What would you know?" the brunette laughed bitterly.

"Again? I'm a splinter of the guy, of course I would know."

"That's—I'm sorry, but that is hokey-pokey. You're not—I won't police what you refer to yourself as, but… these splinters, these 'shards' of himself, they're all smithereens of the same glass, which you aren't!"

"Ugh, bro, you're like a broken record. Deluxe Lil Hal reprise or some shit," the ghost sighed. "Who are you to decide what shards are or aren't Dirk enough? A fucking glass inspector? What I'm saying is: leave the splinters to the splinter guy. Me… Him. Us. Whatever, not the point."

"See here. You say that. You say that, but you are a projection of my understanding of him, are you not? You're just the way I think he is supposed to be, ergo, say the things I wish he would say to me! You, dear imaginary friend, are simply he, who is really me, who is trying to be him… for the sake of, uh, me! Crap, I'm getting myself jumbled in this mumbo-jungle of pronouns and semantics and patterns, but it might as well be that it's my brain that's flat out in the bonkers!" Jake groaned into a pillow.

"You should record this as a gift for your therapist, man. Tie a ribbon around the box and attach a hand written note that reads 'Two hours of footage of me arguing about the realness of my brain… With my brain'. No, seriously. She would have a field day trying to unpack this shitshow. But I'll indulge your delusion, why the fuck not. If I'm simply a projection of your understanding of him… Do you really believe it's so distorted you ought to separate us?"

"I—Uh, I'm—"

"Let's keep that ball rolling, actually. Even if I'm really you, who's trying to be me, essentially being yourself… Where does that leave you? If I'm saying things you wish he'd told you, doesn't that mean you wish that Dirk himself would give you the green light to run back into his arms after having a nostalgic pseudo-carnal epiphany with his fake brain clone—I mean, me? Isn't my popping into existence fundamentally a call for intervention? Well, I'm really it, Jake. An outlet for your frustration, the entire motherfucking marriage bureau."

"You—Argh! Talking to you is always infuriating! You don't have an inkling how you make me feel! So naked, so confused, so—" Jake gestured about, as if the clarity would somehow come to him.

"Doesn't the real Strider make you feel that way too?"

"No!" he was a bit too fast to answer. "Well, yes, but he's… With him it's really more of a—Oh, hell no. I see what you're trying to do there, you sneaky bastard, you."

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, mister! I won't admit you're him. Because you're not! He is him and you are… You are eerily similar, I'll concede. Like Lil Hal was very much him, but in an emancipatory Strider fashion. Transformative, not quite the same, if you follow."

"What you describe is the core nature of splinters, though. A fractured, entirely contextual, identity. Why are we even arguing about it? How does it help our case?"

"..."

"Look, I don't know what else to tell you. If I'm—in any capacity of the word—real it's because you made me real. I'm him because you want me to be him. It really doesn't have to be an issue."

"It is an issue because you're pressuring me into doing something I'm not sure I want to do in the first place!"

"Pressuring you…" the blond snorted. "Are you for real? Following your own logic up to this point: if I have no self awareness, it just means you're currently talking yourself into talking to him. That's right, you're sitting on your sorry ass, all alone, flipping your lid like it's the bottle cap challenge. That's the reality of it," he concluded, patting his thighs self-assuredly. Jake was so taken aback by the callout that his cheeks flared up.

"No… That's not all me... You might not be Dirk, not quite… but I'm most definitely not talking to myself! You're someone, or something and—and you might flicker, and you might exist partially inside of my nogging, but you're here with me!" The brunette brought a trembling finger up to the ghost's chest, for a moment afraid of finding no resistance. He sighed in relief at the corporeity of it. "See? Right here with me…"

"Bro, make up your mind. You're either talking to me, your brain ghost ex who's pretty much the real deal… or you're experiencing some kind of paraphilic awakening. So… which one is it?"

"... Alright. Very well, then. For the sake of my sanity, let's say you're a signed and sealed Dirk splinter. There's still something morally churning about dilly-dallying amorously with you while the original Dirk is out there somewhere, so… As damn pleasant as that was, I'm still gonna have to refuse your advances! Mucho desolado, good sir! As for your other proposition, which I believe was to make clean hooters of my feelings… I can't."

"That's a really—"

"—Let me finish, will you? As I was saying, I can't because it would be too presumptuous of me not to consider the possibility of him having moved on… Hell let loose, perhaps he's even got his affections set on another mister! Have you considered that?"

"Yeah. No. Totally not the case."

"How do you—Do I actually know this for certain in my mind? I mean, he is on Grindr!"

"So? You're on Grindr too. And as far as anyone can tell, you're not getting any action."

"Youch. You bring a fair point, but maybe it worked out better for him!"

"Nah."

"Fine. Even if he is single and ready to mingle… I'm probably the last person he wants to do that with. It's sort of complicated between us, if you hadn't noticed."

"Dude, seriously. Just go talk to him. You don't have to get in his pants right away, you know. You can just hangout. Spar. Whatever the fuck floats your boat." Ghost Dirk rested his head on Jake's shoulder, his expression contemplative. "If it's a failure, just knock and I'll be back from the deepest confines of your consciousness. Fuck it, if it's a success you can ring me up anyway. Fulfill that Dirk splinter harem fantasy we both know you've entertained at least once."

"W-what? No, I haven't?"

"No, you totally have. And… There it goes, flashing vividly before my eyes."

"Oh, Lord…" Jake couldn't even brace himself before the stream of inappropriate thoughts hit him. Try as he might, he couldn't deny the interest that the images he saw sparked in him.

Dirk's half naked figure towered over him; it was the real Dirk, he thought. His soft skin was burning up, especially in contrast with the cold metal digits that were—mechanically?—following the curve of his ribcage. Or the playful, fluttering lips that had just found his—

"Damn, man, that's… detailed." The blond's voice momentarily ripped Jake from the fantasy… but the pull was way stronger, the images vibrant even with wide open eyes. "Rated R for sexually charged daydrea—Shit, just how many Striders are there? Really? Even him?"

"I'm not sure that's—"

"What's up with the crazy ripped samurai looking motherfucker? … Oh. Goddamn spicy."

"S-stop that this instant! Don't make me—don't make me think the thought anymore!" Jake actually begged.

"I'm simply describing what I see, Jake. I'm not the one 'thinking the thought' (which is brilliantly articulate, by the way)."

"I'm not having such censurable thoughts. You're making me have them!"

"It's you who materializes things just hoping they'll begin existing, so… Nope. Don't look at me. The credit for this masterful erotica is all yours. Take it like a man," the blond was quick to cop out. "But, for the record, we all think you'd look hot in white lace linge—"

A ripple of white magic cackled like a clap of thunder. Jake lunged forward in an attempt to muffle Ghost Dirk before he could taunt him any more, the absolute bastard.

"You're not real and neither is what you're saying. You're not real, and neither is what you're saying! You're—" He closed his eyes and forced his thoughts shut, but the ghost remained beside him. Fully corporeal. Amused. Unbothered.

"No need to lie, Jake. Your brain and I? Same thing. I know you'd gladly hand it to us both if the occasion arised. Gotta tell you, man, the guy… The guy hates himself too much for that kind of overture. Not that I'm sold on the idea either, but he'd go downright manic and you know it," he affirmed. "But hey, you could still give it a try. Sound it out."

Jake took a deep, deep breath, his nostrils flaring twice their original size.

"Okay, I've had it with you! I'VE HAD IT! Leave me alone, I need to think!"

"About Dirk kajilionsomes or—"

"NO, DUMMY! About my feelings for you! Him. Whatever!" The static tickled Jake's fingers, the white seeping into his vision from all sides, almost blinding.

"Kay. Fair," Ghost Dirk agreed over the growing noise. "Hit me up when you're done." If he was aware of Jake's frayed nerves… he didn't perceive them as a threat to his person. On the contrary, he laid back with his arms crossed behind his head, keen on waiting it out.

That really maddened Jake. Maddened him so greatly, in fact, that he involuntarily released all the electricity that he was holding in his body at once. The expansive wave crawled across the floor, making the walls rattle and the ceiling lamp sway violently. Its light bulb flickered on and off a few times before bursting into a million pieces. The ghost was, for a moment, warped and shaken like a hologram, but his substantiality survived the blast.

"Hot damn," he whistled.

As it turned out… Jake didn't possess the resolve to melt him away.

"Why… Why are you still here? I said leave…" He still asked.

"I mean. I would, but you're not making me."

"You're seriously running me ragged now…" Jake curled his hands into tight fists and breathed slowly. "BE… GONE. BRAIN! GHOST! DIRK!" he shouted, focusing all of his attention on the incantation this time around. Again, a couple of frames fell off their walls, breaking when they hit the floor, but the specter remained unaffected. "That should have worked… Why didn't it work?"

"I don't know. How sure are we about you wanting me out of your face?" Ghost Dirk asked, his tone almost genuine.

"Very! Thank you so much for asking!" Jake scoffed.

"Then why aren't you vanishing me with your hopey powers? I'm not even resisting it, man."

The magic swiftly died down with those words and the brunette unclenched his fists, defeated. Whether there were greater powers of suggestion at play or not, it was true that he'd rather have a living memory to keep him company than brood all alone until the break of day.

"Sighs," he actually said out loud. "Right then. There is no point in denying it anymore, is there? So… From man to man, or, erm, brain to brain: Maybe you're right—like you always are—and I am that far past the end of my tether… Maybe I did need an external—whatsit, force? to light a fire under my buttocks because—because bollocks, I can't do this on my own!" he finally admitted it. "I can't keep up the facade that everything's fine and dandy when just seeing him makes my heart feel like it's walking the narrowest of ropes! And not knowing how to talk to him when we used to be thick as thieves is eating at me, Brain Ghost Dirk, outright eating at me!"

The ghost nodded thoughtfully, but didn't speak any words of wisdom.

"So…?" Jake pressed for an answer.

"So? Noted. I don't need to tell you that a guilty conscience doesn't need an accuser, so… now that the fire is lit and burning… What do you, in the real world, plan on doing about it?"

"What do I…?" Jake mumbled, thinking carefully about his answer. "...Now, don't call me that a hypocrite after all that's gone down tonight, but… Owing to the fact that you're the second closest thing to the real Dirk… If only for now… How about… Um, I mean. If you could just—"

"Yeah?"

"It's not that I don't plan on doing something more substantial about it sooner than later, don't get me wrong on that. But if you could—Son of a bitch, how hard can it be to ask this to myself! What I mean to say is! If you could come over here for a second and keep your gob shut, that'd really help me come to a conclusion, I think! … Possibly!"

The ghost laughed, a laugh that ringed clear and true. He dragged himself closer to Jake and plopped down between his legs.

"I'm all yours," he announced. "Fuck, I feel like a moe anime girl saying that… Wait, is that also something you want to hear from him?"

"Shut up. For Christ's sake…" Jake grumbled, nevertheless pulling the blond into a tight embrace. He was shocked to discover that he had become a full-fledged living thing in his arms, no quivering to atone for his irreality this time.

That thin waist of his was the perfect fit for Jake's hands. He closed his eyes, pressing his face to the back of the other man's nape and exhaled softly. He noticed that his muscles were slightly tensed up, his guarded stance a carbon copy of his fleshly counterpart. There was no detail of him that was underrepresented: his sharp, somewhat disobliging angles; the clean smell of his hair gel, the softened yet jagged texture of his neck scar under Jake's nose. It was all there.

"Jeepers, my memory must be spotless because you feel just like him…" Jake grimaced to himself. Ghost Dirk only breathed in response, faithful to Jake's request to keep quiet.

After some minutes—when the atmosphere felt familiar enough—the blond wrapped his arms around Jake and pulled him flat into the mattress, right into a hesitant snuggle. Seeing as that didn't seem to break any boundaries, he rested his head against Jake's chest.

"We good?" he spoke quietly.

"M-hm," the brunette breathed out. "This feels… nice. Very nice indeed…"

"How about getting some sleep? The sleep deprivation is starting to make you look downright insane."

"Wouldn't say no to a good ol' nap right now… Hm? Light's out already, what time is it?"

"Early enough not to get up," Ghost Dirk offered, noncommittally.

"Heh, I suppose," Jake agreed. "Say, is it strange if I ask you to stay?"

"Not any more than everything else going on between us."

"Guaranteed. Then…?"

"I'll stay."

Jake nodded gratefully against his hair. He didn't want to think about the significance of everything that'd just happened—of any of it—so he closed his eyes and directed all of his attention to the drowsiness in his body. Before long, he was sleeping soundly.

As promised, the morning caught the odd pair tangled together.

When Jake opened his eyes, Ghost Dirk was already awake. Or simply awake, Jake didn't know if a brain projection was physiologically capable of sleeping and he didn't want to find out in case not; what if he had been staring at him sleep throughout the last hours of the night? What could he possibly have been thinking about if Jake's brain was occupied with dreaming?

"Yo," he greeted casually.

"Um, good morning. You're, uh, here!"

"So it seems. Are you implying I'm not a man of my word, Jake?"

"Not at all! I'm just a lot happier to see you than I thought I'd be!"

"Well, thank fuck," Ghost Dirk mumbled sarcastically.

"I do mean that! I feel refreshed after our—how shall I say, talk last night. And I've got you to thank for that, so… There! Thanks!"

"You're welcome." Ghost Dirk untangled himself from Jake to stretch and face the ceiling. His image was back to its usual wavering state. "... Have you thought about it? Talking to him?"

"I… have, actually. Can't say I know what I'm going to tell the old boy as of now, but I reckon I composed a hundred texts in my dream! … Which you probably already know about, what, being my brain and all, haha!"

"Yeah," the ghost admitted. "Can't have privacy in this house, sorry."

"Heh. I'm reconciling myself with that fact, I think."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I needed that. The ultimatum, I mean. The prying eyes… not so much?"

"Hm."

There was a pause.

"So." Jake couldn't handle the heavy silence, so he spoke. The truth was that he felt guilty about the you versus him treatment he'd been giving the ghost throughout the night. Brain Ghost Dirk this, the real Dirk that... He deserved to have his individuality officially recognized once and for all. "Haven't had the privilege of your company in… years, if I'm not mistaken! What have you been up to?"

"Me?" Ghost Dirk tilted his head, like the question had truly caught him by surprise. "Now you're interested in me?"

"Why, yes! I believe an apology is in order! You'll have to excuse my rudeness earlier, I was… not expecting you to pop into my bed so suddenly, out of nowhere!"

"As we've solidly established, that was all you. But don't sweat it, I'm pretty chill about a lot of things given that everything is relative to me. The stakes are pretty low when you're a guy inside another guy's mind."

"Then?"

"Then what?"

"What have you been up to?" Jake repeated.

"We don't really have to socialize, man. I'm cool with whatever."

"Oh noes, mister Brain Ghost! We're in it now and I'm not the type to shoot first and ask questions later, so spit it out!" the brunette insisted.

"Not the type, my ass. Shooting first is the default English way. You walk into the room like Rambo's got nothing on you. Pistols? Out. Ass? Also out."

"Yowza! Such are the ways of an adventurous man, I suppose. But see, I realize I might have been depersonalizing you all along like you're not an entity in your own right, but you really are a decent man, Brain Ghost D—Dirk, plain Dirk, is what I meant to say. If that's more to your liking."

"Right, sure…?"

"What I'm saying is that things got a little squirrely before I could interest myself in your whereabouts last night… Ahem, yes, that desperate snogging we enthralled ourselves in kind of fully swept my attention, but it is no lie that I'm curious about you!"

"Is that so," the ghost sighed softly. "My whereabouts, huh? I feel like this isn't going to be a fun conversation for either of us."

"Eh? And why is that?"

"Because my realness attribute is not so 'tangible' when I'm not chilling with you. If you ask me what I've been up to I can only define it as fucking around in the liminal space between your brain and reality."

"You mean to tell me that you live in some sort of spooky brain ghost limbo?"

"Hah, you wish it was that cool," he shook his head. "No. It would be more accurate to say that I simply don't exist outside of your mind."

"But that's…" Jake started.

"Impossible? Not if you think of it like a game."

"A game, you say?" he repeated, sitting up with interest.

"Yes. Video game characters are essentially bits, right? When you turn off the game their experiences and understanding of the world are put on hold; their consciousness goes kaput. Nothing. Nada," the blond explained. "Similarly, my existence is tied to your aspect (and Dirk's) in a tight ass constrictor knot, so I can't really say that I know myself to exist outside of it. My best guess is… I don't. Because if I did I would have my own memories to vouch for it, which, again, I do not."

"But then… how do you—How do you do it?"

"Do what, exist? It's obviously more complicated than that, but let's say that when I pop out like a Champagne cork on a Christmas dinner I sort of get an automatic update on your experiences up to that moment. I also 'synchronize' with the Dirk database inside of your head, which is what 'teaches' me how to be him."

"Hm…" Jake made a sad acknowledging sound, unsure of what to say.

"Bro, let me tell you, you're committed to getting the dude right. You do such a banger of a job, in fact, that it makes you look kind of really fucking insane. You must truly be obsessed with him."

"Uh…"

"It's okay, he doesn't know it. Not like I do, anyway. Part of your brain, remember?"

"Oh jee, thank God for that!"

"Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say on that. I don't have a thrilling brain ghost life that you don't know of… which is only natural for a dude that's some thoughts and a dash of nothingness in a trenchcoat."

"But Dirk, that is such a lonely existence!" Jake sank back into the pillows, his head turned to the specter.

"What can I say, such is the fate of imaginary exes brought to life with the powers of Hope," the ghost shrugged, pressing his shoulder to Jake's (in what the latter supposed was a reassuring gesture). "... And such is the price of being your personal comfort dakimakura," he added in a failed attempt to lift the mood.

Jake was quiet for some long seconds. His lips had curled down into an unconscious pout.

"But I'm here now and I got to make out with you in this narcissistic Schrödinger dirkjake situation we've got going inside your brain. That's not so bad, is it?" he gently nudged Jake.

"..." Jake couldn't even nod, his heart felt extremely heavy.

"Don't look so sad, man. I told you you wouldn't like to hear it."

"... I guess—I guess I had never really thought about it. Where you go when I'm not actively spawning you… I feel dreadful."

"I shouldn't have said anything, huh?"

"No… No, you are right to. And it's me who asked in the first place."

"Yeah, maybe, but I didn't mean to hit you with existentialism first thing in the morning."

"It's alright. This is one of those things that I'm really aware of, to some dormant cognitive extent of my powers, isn't it? One of those things that I must have locked away as not to think of them… because thinking of them would have made me responsible for your existence... and we both know that's not something I've ever gotten down to a fine art."

"It's fine. I'm really okay with it being like this."

"Well, I'm not! Dirk's dilemma with his blasted responder, this is just like it!"

"Yeah, not quite."

"Yes quite, Dirk! Whatever shall I do about it? Materialize you periodically?"

"What? No, you don't have to—"

"—Would it be fine with you if I did that? Or is it… Is it too deranged? Blast it, I really don't know how well that'd work if Dirk and I—if the original Dirk and I got back together, but… but there has to be a way around it! Like platonic canoodling and board game nights… Or friendly fisticuffs! … A tried and trusted dinner-party…? Just you name it and it's a date! Uh, a date as in, a day to hang out specified by a number, not a romantic fixture, which—all things considered—would be a little—Augh! I really am confused about the level of coquetry that is appropriate in a situation as sticky as—"

"Jake," Ghost Dirk cut Jake off by placing a firm hand on his arm. "It's all good. I know I gave you a hard time with my impasse of the self and shit, and I'll obviously be around if you need me around, but the moment you're back together will be the moment my job here is done. As it's meant to be; my wants overlap your needs to the millimeter."

"But—but you have emotions and conflicts of your own! How can I live knowing you'll be in a—in a ghost coma because of my neglect? Because of me."

"Dude, ghost comas aren't a thing, I'll just be—in stasis until the next 'reboot'. I'm a grown ass brain projection, I won't get separation anxiety or anything."

"It still doesn't feel right! Going about my day and forgetting all about you! After all you’ve done for me!"

"You’ll be fine, man. You can never be too disconnected from your own brain. Unless your head is severed, but that’s like, my shtick. Mainly."

"Yes, I never really—Doesn’t it strike you as a macabre motif to merrily involve other people in? Anyhow, since I’m the one in charge around these parts and I can do whatever I want, I reserve my right to summon you whenever I damn please. And that’s that! I won’t be hearing a no for an answer, so don’t even try it."

"Haha, aight. Fine by me. Call me, beep me," the ghost laughed.

Jake stared at him intently, as if he feared he’d vanish without so much as a goodbye. Seeing as he didn’t, he pressed their foreheads together. He didn’t know if it was normal to be so attached to the brain clone of a perfectly reachable person in the waking world, but the fact remained that he was.

He thought of their first encounter; of how confusing it’d been to find out that the meaning of comfort and safety had taken up the shape of Dirk in his mind, no questions asked. They’d broken up too, back then. Things had been too hectic in the wake of the game to really regret it, but now… Now that life had simmered down and they had had years of normality to rebuild the broken bridges between them, what was the excuse? How could he have let Dirk slip through his fingers yet again?

Ghost Dirk didn’t acknowledge Jake’s inner reflection, but he did ruffle his hair knowingly.

"So… What happens now? Do I just give you the bum’s rush back to the brainal realm? Text Dirk?"

"Hopefully both. One at a time," Ghost Dirk suggested. "I can stay for a bit longer, though. If you don’t feel up to the task."

"Hrghhh… Of course I don't…" Jake curled up against the ghostly presence, not so conflicted about it this time around.

"No rush." The ghost squeezed him against his chest just as naturally.

"You fiend, I would define every single thing you've done in the past six hours as rushing me!"

"Correction: rushing yourself. The sooner you talk to him… the faster you'll be in his arms instead of mine."

"That's assuming he'll have me. You know, I've been so avoidant these past few months that I might as well have been the one to wedge the final nail in the coffin of this, my great Strider reconquest…"

"But you don't know that for sure."

"But… I don't know that for sure," the brunette repeated. "Right! S-should I take the plunge then?"

"Like, right now?"

"Yessiree!"

"... With me around?"

"Yes… Siree…?

"I mean, doesn’t make a difference to me, but won’t my presence make things awkward?"

"He doesn’t need to know you’re here, does he?" Jake offered the ghost his least convincing smile. "You’ll just act as an emotional support dog… of sorts."

"That’s fucked up if you think too hard about it and plain out weird if you don’t, but let’s do it."

"R-really?"

"You heard me, man. Let’s get this fucking show on the road."

Chapter Text

…

"Well? You’ve been staring at your phone and sighing for a solid… half an hour? Sorry to break it to you, but that dick ain’t gonna suck itself. Metaphorically speaking."

"Shush, I’m thinking!" Jake defended.

The reality was that he’d been trying to bring his heartbeat down to a reasonable—if not non concerning—rate the entire time. He was so terrified of the blank screen in his hands that his fingers had gone cold.

He hadn’t dared to check his last pesterlog with Dirk. Even without looking, he knew it would be a wall of unanswered orange text… Just like the old days.

"What are you so scared of?" Ghost Dirk interrupted. "You don't have to drop the I-still-love-you bomb on him first thing in the message, you know. A ‘hey’ will do."

"I know that!" he clicked his tongue, annoyed. He took a deep breath and slapped his own cheeks in a pretty sad attempt at self motivation. "Okay… You’ve got this, tiger! You’re the man! You’re the master of seduction, Don Juan of Don Juanes. You’re a God, for God’s sake! Nothing but yourself stands in your way. Yes, you heard that right! You can do this. No, not only you can, but you will… With more conviction this time, English! You. Can. Do this!"

"Seriously, man? You don’t happen to have a sword lying around, do you? Because the idea of seppuku is looking mad inviting to me right about now."

"Shhh!"

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:08

GT: Hey dirk my good chap! Its been a while huh?
TT: Jake.
TT: What do you mean a while? Didn’t we see each other at Jane’s, when was it, a week ago?
GT: Two weeks and three days ago i believe!
TT: Well, there you have it.
TT: Are you counting the days or? It can’t be that you’re keeping tabs on me.
GT: Keeping tabs. Keeping tabs he says...
GT: Why would i dirk!!!

"I don’t think this is going too well," Jake sighed.

"So tell him the truth?"

"Holy Toledo, and sound as friggin’ desperate as I'm feeling? Not a chance! It should come naturally in the conversation. Naturally."

TT: Just kidding, man.
GT: Ahahaha. *loosens collar.* Of course i knew that!!!!!
GT: But we didnt really have the occasion to converse much. Did we?
GT: At janeys i mean.
TT: Didn’t we? You told me all about your restoration efforts with an expensive ass neo-antique cutlery set you bought at some shady auction online and how "exquisite" the red velvet chest it came in was. Then again, you had your nose deep in your eighth champagne glass, so maybe you didn’t even realize it was me you were talking to.

"Ouch, bro. Does that sound salty to you or what?" the ghost cringed.

"Nonsense! I can still save the situation."

GT: Oh. Haha! Yes! My silver plated cutlery set!
GT: I do remember that!
TT: Right.
TT: So.
GT: So...
TT: Did you actually want anything?
GT: Uh...
TT: Wait. Is this about the paper shredder offer?

"What the fuck is he saying about a paper shredder?" Ghost Dirk asked.

"Beats me…"

GT: Um... The paper whatsit?
TT: Shredder.
TT: You don’t remember that either, do you?
GT: Not so fast! I dont remember having discussed anything about a paper oojamaflip with you (or really much else at all) but i do recall some other stuff about that night!
GT: Like how there was this colossal punch bowl with flower petals in it but it was the peculariest shade of garnet which as you might imagine made me wonder if it was really only for decor!
GT: To be entirely frank with you i didnt want to look silly so i spent quite a bit of time waiting to see if anyone drank from it alas... No one did.
GT: Never got to ask jane about it so it will remain an unsolved mystery.
TT: Peculariest is not a real word.
GT: But funnily enough! Theres this other thing that comes to mind now that i think of it!
GT: And that is the easy on the eye troll fella.
GT: Remember him dirk? He was wearing a tuxedo. Blue blood if my mind isnt playing tricks on me.
GT: Anyway. Quirky guy if i do say so myself. Clueless about personal space sure but he had some rather... *enlightening* views on steamy pirate novels and um...
GT: Mortuary practices.

"Dude."

"What?"

"Are you sure you want to tell the source of your affections all about some rando you flirted with at a party while remembering jack squad about, possibly, the only interaction you’ve had with him in weeks?"

"Oh, fuck me! I really didn’t think—"

"Exactly. You didn’t think. You’re just speaking through your ass, trying to fill in every silence with your obnoxious anecdotes that no one—and specially not your butthurt ex—care about."

"Uh, no, see here… I’m just starting with some pleasantries to get our feet wet and rolling!"

"That’s disgusting and I can assure you he’s not appreciating your small talk. At all."

TT: Jake, honestly. I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve here, but I kinda don’t give a shit about the punch or the necrophilic rando that tried to get in your pants that night.

"That’s what I thought," the ghost groaned.

GT: Christ no! I dont think he was a necrophiliac dirk!
TT: Dude, if red flags were neon signs, that guy shone brighter than the whole history of Las Vegas.
TT: Not that who you kick it with is any of my business anymore.
GT: Wow okay.
GT: Okay why dont we...
GT: Why dont we rewind a smidgeon?
GT: I realize we might be getting off to a bad start so let me try again?
TT: Let’s just cut to the chase, then. What do you want from me, Jake?
GT: Why of course! Consider the chase positively cut!
GT: If said chase was an electric pole it is with a heavy heart that i must inform you that its fall has just caused the biggest power outage on american soil since the year friggin dot.
TT: Obviously an historic event we’re witnessing.
TT: Now. Can you tell me what the fuck is going on?
GT: No need to get defensive bro!
GT: I was just getting to it.

"I’m getting to it, alright… but how shall I put it? Any thoughts?" Jake turned to Ghost Dirk, who was looking all sorts of miserable at the moment.

"Why am I advising you, again?"

"In your own words? Because your wants overlap my needs to the millimeter."

"And they say I’m the manipulative one… Fine. Let’s start with the basics: what would you actually want to tell him if he was receptive?"

"Hmmm…"

"Tick-tock, bitch, this is a timed answer," the ghost insisted.

"Wh—Peanut butter on crackers! Obviously the most imperative would be telling him that I miss him a lot, but I can’t—for the life of me—bring myself to say it! What else is there…? Ah, of course! That I might have been yammering about the very nice troll who I flirted with out of spite at the party, but it didn’t mean anything to me! He has to know that… And that watching Thundercats has been a snoozer without his sarcastic commentary! And that I can’t stand seeing the tabloids because the gossip about us already died down and it feels so final that I can’t even breathe! I want to tell him that perhaps I was too hasty in saying ‘maybe we should’ when he told me we should just break it off and that I wish he hadn’t been so quick to agree with me that ‘yes, it might be for the best that we do’! Because I didn’t want that! Even then, at the peak of adversity, I didn't want to throttle what we had! What I did want was for him to stop with the blasted pretensions! To stop pussyfooting around me, like he was somehow dragging me down with him! To hell with that! How—how can he still be thinking that after all this time?" Jake buried his face in his hands, steaming with pent-up frustration by the end of his tirade.

"Well, fuck, it seems to me like you've already got a pretty solid idea, so why don't you work the conversation up to that point?"

"Absolutely not! Are you mental? These are all hypotheticals, nothing I would really say to him!"

"But didn't you just—"

"It's a completely futile line of thought, trust me. Too direct."

"I thought we were going for the honest, communicative approach."

"That's not how we operate! He and I, we don't—We don't do that!"

"And it's obviously worked fine in the past."

"... Argh. You raise a good point. Again."

TT: Still there?
GT: Yes. Yes sorry!
GT: Forgive me chum... I seem to be pouring with sweat trying to get this out of my pipe but it really is quite the simple matter.
GT: And that is simply put...
GT: That i was thinking that maybe we could reconnect!

"Smooth." The ghost offered Jake an approving thumbs up.

"You think so?"

"Yeah, man, you're a true Casanova. Now onto the justification."

TT: Reconnect.
GT: That would be my offer yes.
GT: Catching up over a drink.
GT: In a less multitudinous event...?
GT: Just the two of us if you catch my drift.
GT: Um...
GT: Needless to say that said drink can be 100% on the wagon!!!
GT: I know youre not partial to... Well. Anyone being drunk as a skunk.
GT: And truth be told im beginning to realize that neither am i!
TT: Hold on. You're cutting back on the boozing?
GT: Continuous present?
GT: No. Not really.
GT: I wish i could tell you different but addiction truly is a powerful thing dirk!
TT: But you admit that you have a problem.
GT: I wont beat around the boondoggle and deny that its become a bit of an issue for me and those around me! (as illustrated by the blanks in my memory regarding an alleged paper whats-its-name discussion!)
TT: I don't know what your beef with the word "shredder" is, but it's not alleged if it's only you who doesn't remember about it.
GT: Ouch.
GT: Luckily for you im all about admitting faults today so youre absolutely correct and id like to formally apologize for my unsavory behavior throughout that evening!

"Dude, you're seriously killing it with the honesty. Keep it up."

"Isn't he exposing me a bit too much, though? He gave me the run around about hanging out too…"

"He's pissed about many things, Jake. And you know he's right to." The ghost patted his back lightly, prompting him to continue.

"I don't know, Dirk, I'm not too positive about the outcome of this venture anymore!"

"Give him time."

GT: Dirk?
TT: I'm here.
GT: I couldnt possibly have offended you?
TT: Shit, no. You're good.
TT: I'm sorting out my thoughts before answering. I think you deserve at least that much after what you've told me.
GT: Oh!!!
GT: Phew...
GT: Take your time then!
TT: Alright.
GT: Alright!!!
TT: I'm going to be brutally honest here: I don't know if I'm completely off the mark in assuming you're trying to make amends, but if that's what's going on, I'm not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling about it.
TT: Don't get me wrong, I am proud of you for taking that first step in regards to your drinking problem and I'm not opposed to "catching up". In fact, why not? I could make room for you sometime this week.
TT: If it's that pressing.
TT: But the thing that rubs me the wrong way is,
TT: It's been months of radio silence and suddenly you're all about getting chummy with me?
TT: Something about that doesn't feel entirely disinterested on your part.

"Baloney, he's onto me!" Jake dropped his phone in shock.

"I don’t know, man. You could save face... or you could be upfront."

"... Are those my only two options?"

"If you consider ghosting him the third one… Yes, definitely A or B."

"Frig! … Fuck!"

GT: No it totally is!!!!! 100% disinterested! 100% a spontaneous thought that i had...
GT: Unprompted!!!
GT: No ulterior motives whatsoever!
GT: I SWEAR ON MISS CROFTS HOLSTERS!!!
TT: Damn. Those are sacred.
TT: Must be legit in that case.
GT: The numbers do not lie strider!
GT: And neither do i!

"Bro, seriously? You swore on Lara Croft’s holsters?"

"It’s not exactly a lie that I want to get chummy with him, is it!"

GT: See...
GT: I thought to myself gee Jake its been a minute why dont you go flap your tongue at dirk? Maybe you could propose to meet up like in the good ol’ days. Perhaps even engage in some brotherly rejoin rite such as "bro huddling" or an even bolder "bro fisting"...
GT: If we were feeling up to that.
TT: Something tells me "fisting" is not the word you were looking for.
TT: Unless it was that kind of solicitation.
GT: Um?
TT: Netflix and chill?
TT: The Urban Dictionary definition.
GT: Excuse me what?
GT: Oh. Ohhh. Netflix and chill as in...
GT: I would NEVER pull a wham bam thank you maam on you like that dirk!!!
TT: Right. So it’s a regular hangout, then. No Netflix, no chill.
GT: We can definitely keep the chill!!!
TT: Alright then. Sure.
GT: Yes???
TT: Yes.

"Did he—Did he say yes?"

"So it seems," Ghost Dirk tilted his head.

"This is going a lot better than expected!" Jake exhaled in relief. "I think—I think I might be able to take it up from here?"

"You’re kicking me out?" Ghost Dirk straightened his posture, as if mentally preparing himself to be zapped. The sight filled Jake’s heart with remorse.

"Wait. No, no, no. Stay. I’d rather you stay, after all!"

"It’s your call."

"Stay with me. I might botch it up yet!"

GT: So... When are you free?
TT: Let me check.
TT: I’m knee deep in this automated sparring machine project, but I see an empty spot next Friday morning. That work for you?
GT: Works for me!
GT: Should i wait for you at the studio? If thats still where you spend all of your waking hours these days?
TT: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
TT: Be at the door at...
TT: What are we doing? Coffee?
GT: Affirmative!
TT: Then. How about eight?
TT: Too early?
GT: No eight is perfect!
GT: That being so...
GT: Its been nice dirk! Ill see you there!
TT: See you, Jake.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:55

"It looks like we live to see another day." The ghost slipped down into a comfortable position in the mattress, but Jake was still very much tense. "Bro, why the long face? This is more than you had last night."

"I know! I know. And I want to be grateful, I really do, but he’s—Isn’t he acting strange? His texts have been sort of—unemotional. Impersonal even! I don’t think he’s too happy to see me, Dirk!"

"Alright. He doesn’t sound ecstatic, but it could be he’s playing down his interest for aloof dude reasons. You know the guy."

"... Ay," the brunette sighed.

"Look, you ghosted him hard this time, right? Like months hard. You can’t expect him to trust you like no problem after that."

"I’m aware, but—"

"No, let me do the talking for a minute. Amends take time and uncomfortable conversations, which you just skipped like a pro. I know it’s not fun to hear it, but you couldn’t even tell him that you miss him. Three words, Jake, and instead you said a trillion others in what must have been the most roundabout—Actually, the most unsatisfying apology of all time. So, maybe try understanding how he must be feeling before you play the sighing princess card," the ghost spoke quietly. He looked exhausted, which Jake supposed was a reflection of his own mood.

"Hah… You really are him, aren’t you?"

"You wronged him. Just because you’re also hurting, it doesn’t mean that it’s his responsibility to put on a happy face and comfort you."

"I… understand. I can be wrapped in myself to the point of apathy sometimes, so it’s good to have you here as a reminder…" Jake let out a soft breath. "No, this won’t do at all, ghost friend! Yes… Yes indeed, I’ve been unfairly thinking that I could just wipe the slate clean with him and call it a day, but I must make things right without delay! Not tomorrow, not next Friday, but today. This instant." Jake grabbed his phone, resolution burning hot in his green eyes.

"Wait, what are you—" The blond sat up, distrust written all over his face. "What are you going to do?"

"Make a fool of myself and lose my remaining dignity… possibly. But it needs to be done and I shall see it done!"

"Well, shit."

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:01

GT: Actually.
GT: I was going to leave it there. Denationalize my vices so that i could own myself in private but the truth is... I havent been completely honest with you just now dirk and i would not feel at peace knowing that ive been deceitful!
TT: Bro, you swore on the holsters.
TT: You did it.
GT: Ughhhh... I shouldnt have.
GT: I really shouldnt have.
TT: Honestly? Agreed.
TT: I’m tired of playing mind games, Jake.
TT: And I sure as hell don’t enjoy being lied to.
GT: Oh no I havent lied to you! Not exactly...
GT: Lying to myself about you on the other hand... that i sure am guilty of!
TT: ...
GT: ... But enough of that!
GT: I know im asking for a lot but would you still give me a chance to try and vindicate myself?
GT: Please?
TT: The floor is all yours.
GT: Thank you...
GT: If truth be told... which for all my word is worth right now i promise it is...
GT: Ive admittedly been thinking about you lately.
TT: Okay...? Go on.
GT: There is no sugarcoating it so...
GT: What im saying is that i miss you dirk.
GT: A whole lot. Every single day.

"Oh, wow, I really said it…" Jake clutched his racing heart. His fingers were shaking.

"... You okay?" The ghost squeezed his neck lightly, with concern all over his fading image.

"M-hm… Or rather—obviously not! I didn’t think myself capable of blurting that out, what if he’s burdened by it? What if he—"

"Don’t. Just don’t do that."

TT: Shit, what?
TT: That’s not what I was expecting to read at all.
TT: This might be an idiotic question, but which sense of "missing" are we talking about here?
GT: Which sense you ask? Why. Every sense!
GT: I dont like us being complete strangers dirk!
GT: I dont like it one bit...
GT: And ive been meaning to do something about it for the longest time but how could i ever show you how regretful i am if i cant even bring myself to say a penny plain sorry!
GT: No. I keep making excuses and hoping youll be the one to make things right... But you dont.
GT: You simply dont.
GT: Mistake me not. Im aware ive given you plenty of reasons to tire of me. To be mad and distant and silent!
GT: I know its wrong to take you for granted. Its just...
GT: There must be something that i can say to make it better right?
GT: Right dirk?
TT: Fuck, that’s...
TT: That’s a lot to take in.
TT: So what you’re really saying, matter-of-factly, is that you’re sorry. Is that it?
GT: That is it!
GT: Pinky promise dirk. Im really really sorry i left you in the lurch and i veritably miss talking to you so very much!
GT: Well... Not only talking to you!
GT: Since were engrossed in this calling a spade a spade business...
GT: Its not only your friendship i miss...
GT: Which (blast it!!!) sounds shamelessly licentious, but its not.
GT: Not quite.
GT: ... Or not only.
GT: Not EXCLUSIVELY, ANYWAYS!!!
GT: Holy jesus on a stick! Interrupt me before i say something truly stupid. Im sweating bullets here!
TT: Just out of curiosity.
TT: What would you consider TRULY stupid to admit after this tirade of unapologetically saucy confessions?
GT: That im madly in love with you and that theres nothing id like more than the chance to win you back. Obviously!!!
TT: Shit.
GT: Shit!
GT: I think thats as much truth as im willing to spill for a day...
TT: Wow.
TT: Wow, okay, let me just
TT: Just.
TT: I hope you're not speaking with your dick because that'd be... So not cool of you.
TT: Are you being uncool with me, Jake?
GT: No!!! Im speaking with my heart and brains i swear!
TT: In that case...
TT: Thank fuck I don't have to pretend that I care about any of those Grindr mofos anymore.
GT: Grindr mofos? Plural?
GT: Take that ghost fiend! I know a successful grindr man when i see one!

"Did you—Did you mean to say that to me?" Ghost Dirk asked, dread seeping into his voice.

"... Confound it, I did!"

"Put me out of misery already. I literally transcend this realm in every way that matters, why do I have to take the brunt of your romantic incompetence…" the blond sighed, burying his face in a pillow (or attempting to smother himself with it. Hard to know).

TT: Wait. What's that supposed to mean?
GT: Uh... Nothing??? Go on please!!!
TT: I miss you too, Jake.

"Holy mackerel, h-he misses me! He misses me too!" Jake elbowed Ghost Dirk in the ribs, making him groan.

"Ouch… Called it," he answered between gritted teeth.

GT: Holy macaroni! Honest to skaia?
TT: Honest to the entirety of the Incipisphere. I kept my distance because I didn't want to get too overbearing if you were truly over me.
TT: Which I guess you weren’t.
GT: I wasnt!!!
GT: I mean im not!!! As of this instant!
TT: Hm.
GT: So you...
GT: Um... Am i amiss to come to the conclusion that what you feel for me is what i feel for you?
TT: No.
GT: I see... *leans on a figurative wall.*
GT: Getting back together is perhaps too premature all things considered...
GT: But would it be too bold to suggest making our friday hangout a proper date?
TT: Let us not be too abrupt.
GT: Oh drat...
GT: So i did jump the gun after all...
TT: I don’t know what to tell you, man. I’m relieved. Sorta.
TT: But we went from 0 to 100 real quick and I’m still...
TT: Processing.
GT: Processing.
TT: Yes, Jake, processing. I don’t want to make a decision solely based on the ugly ass slurry of self-conflicting emotions that is currently taking place in my brain (seriously, it’s a pandemonium up in this bitch).
TT: I sincerely believe there’s more to account for.
GT: What? What else is there to account for?
TT: Can I be honest with you?
GT: You know you can!
TT: As it happens, no. I don’t. That’s part of the problem, actually.
GT: Aw shucks! Ive been a real bum hole to you havent i?
TT: You have, but that’s beside the point.
TT: I miss you a lot, Jake. I would like to be all like "fuck it, let’s just jump back into our reiteratedly failed non-marital–yet-somewhat-marital affairs or whatever, it’ll be all sugar and rainbows this time around", but,
TT: As much as I appreciate the work you’re clearly putting into this...
TT: A sorry doesn’t magically take away how much you’ve hurt me.
GT: I hear you...
GT: I hear you! I just dont know how to fix that!
TT: Let me finish.

"Yeah, let him finish," Ghost Dirk agreed. His face had made its home at Jake’s shoulder at some point and he was avidly following the conversation now that the cards were finally laid out.

TT: I know I can be obsessive at times and that there’s nothing that weighs you down more than feeling trapped, but I can’t afford foregoing my dignity every time you’ve had it with me.
TT: And I sure as fuck can’t keep doing this hot and cold bullshit we do where we’re good one second and the next you’re out of my life. Gone for good without so much as a where to or a why.
TT: I’m not playing the victim here, I’m aware of my shortcomings. But what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t want this to be us getting stuck in a vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together until the end of time.
TT: We’re too immortal for that.
TT: So yes, it might be selfish of me, but if that’s what’s in store for us I don’t think I can do it.
TT: Fuck that noise, I don’t think I’d want to either.
TT: You know what I mean?
GT: Absolutely!
GT: Undisputedly even!
GT: Dont think im proud of how our last breakup went for a second dirk... Or how ive handled anything ever since!
TT: Yeah. That’s the crux of the matter.
TT: I know you’re not actively out to get me, but I’m done sweeping our issues under the rug every time you go "Oops! I did it again".
TT: Redecorating the entire house won’t change the fact that there’s a dead body in our living room. Under our rug.
GT: Ow...
TT: Shit’s bound to get ugly no matter what we do about it.
TT: Sell the house? Potential estate buyers don’t look kindly on the idea of finding dead bodies in their property.
TT: Leave it there and it’ll rot.
GT: No i understand that. Completely!
GT: But mayhaps we dont have to sell the house!
GT: We could get rid of the body and leave the furniture as is.
GT: Wait.
GT: Gosh darn... If the corpse is our problems we cant just ditch it methinks! So the other option would be...
GT: What would it be dirk?
GT: The english harley gene in me screams taxidermy but...
GT: Cant we just kiss it better?
TT: The corpse?
GT: No! The bad feelings between us!!!
TT: Right.
TT: The point is we’ve been Weekend-at-Bernie’s-ing this bastard for far too long. I think it’s time we bury him.
GT: What???
GT: Are you walking out on me???
TT: I’m not, dumbass. All I’m saying is,
TT: We either do something about our history or I don’t think we can make it work for a godzillionth time.
GT: Oh. So youre willing to give me another chance... is what im hearing?
TT: Completely ruling it out wouldn’t help my case at all, would it?
GT: Eh?
TT: I still like you, Jake. If there’s the tiniest possibility of us getting back together without originating The Third Impact... I’ll take it, no questions asked.
TT: But I need to know you’ll do your part because I legitimately can’t keep us afloat on my own.
GT: Oh golly!
GT: Um...
GT: I will! I will do my part!
GT: Cross my heart and hope to die!!!
GT: Ill do better if you just let me!
GT: Ill make it up to you!

"Ah, missed the chance to say I like him too! Would it be bizarre to say it now?" Jake bopped his head against the ghost’s, but all he got for an answer was a soft nudge. "Frig it, down the rabbit hole I go…"

GT: Because... Hoo boy! I like you too dirk! So very greatly.
GT: And it might sound desperate if not directly hypocritical to say this but ive been truly miserable without you!
GT: I admit i was hoping my wrongs would thaumaturgically undo themselves. I admit a significant part of me wished youd come flying back to my arms by the sole virtue of... reaching out first? Pretending everythings fine and dandy although its obviously not?
GT: Dont take this to mean i think of you as an easy man though!
GT: As i said earlier im as guilty as charged of taking you for granted in my life.
GT: And being avoidant.
GT: And indulging in some rather heavy drinking.
GT: And being generally unpleasant to be around if youve had the misfortune of being in my presence these past few months.
GT: But for once.
GT: And i hope youll believe at least this much...
GT: I think im ready to take responsibility.
TT: You are?
TT: I mean, not that I don’t fully support the motion. I do. I’m all about working out our shit and being transparent about it,
TT: But I feel like this is a conversation we should be having in person. Y’know, to be able to read each other.
GT: No!
GT: When you say read each other what you really mean is that you get to read me like a blasted picture book while i get NOTHING from you!
GT: Which is not only unfair but also not what i want!
TT: You don’t want me to understand you?
GT: I dont want you to send me into a tizzy with your mystifying cool guy spectacles!
TT: Hahaha.
TT: Sorry, what?
GT: Dont laugh at me dirk!!! You know damn well the goosey effect you have on a fella and i wouldnt want that to derail the topic at hand!!!
TT: Understandable. My bishie energy truly is unparalleled.
GT: I said dont laugh at me!!!
TT: Sorry, sorry. That caught me off guard, is all.
GT: Now that this is out of the way...
GT: Sit your ridiculously handsome caboose down for a second and let me say my piece to the end will you!!!
GT: Therell be plenty of time for rendezvouses so i say you humor me for a GODDAMN BIT!
TT: Alright, alright.
TT: What were you saying?
GT: I know my promises always seem empty on account of... You know! Me breaking them over and over again but when i say im ready to take responsibility this time... it rings true.
GT: Yes. For all my reputation says about me i can say for sure that i havent been twiddling my thumbs or kicking my heels during these months of solitude. No sir!
GT: I hope its not a confidentiality breach to confess that your daughter dearest kindly pointed me to an (i hear) acclaimed therapist in the carapace kingdom who is supposed to patch me up good!
TT: Hold up.
TT: You’re undergoing therapy.
GT: Why yes. Yes i am.
TT: And it was Rose’s idea.
GT: Why yes. Yes it was.
GT: See. She walked up to me at the inauguration of the peoples of the first earth memorial garden and handed me a mysterious blank card with a number on it.
GT: I naturally asked her what that was about and she simply said...
GT: She said i must be aware of the pain i was causing you with my actions and that perhaps it was time i did something about it. Im not sure if she meant it as a threat but she made sure to tell me it was for my own good.
TT: Damn.
TT: She is a puppeteer in her own right, isn’t she? I never even knew.
GT: Hehehe! I certainly see a lot of you in her.
GT: Not that im calling you a manipulator or anything!!!
TT: We can be cunning at times, I’ll admit.
TT: Anyhow.
TT: Please, continue.
GT: Righty ho! So she gave me that card and in a moment of uncertainty i decided to give it a try. Whats there to lose right?
TT: Right.
GT: I havent seen her much yet. My therapist i mean. But as it turns out all of my choices are guided by this thing she calls experiential avoidance which...
GT: Doesnt justify what i do...
GT: Not by a long shot...
TT: But it does explain it.
GT: Yeah.
GT: Ecce my achilles heel!
GT: These sessions im having are supposed to make me see my fears in a different light so that i can bludgeon them to death instead of performing my usual vanishing act.
GT: Or so im told!
TT: I see.
GT: Navigating this contraption has been sort of daedalian if im honest but i still wanted to tell you that i understand.
GT: And that despite just having tried the easy way back to you i really am trying to do my part to face you properly!
GT: In conclusion!!! If you miss me as much as i miss you...
GT: Could we perhaps take another stab at going steady?
GT: I cant promise itll be a rose garden but you wont have to shoulder all the burden by yourself!
TT: Okay. I hear you.
TT: I hear you loud and clear, but that will take time.
TT: Time and a fuck lot of baby steps to regain whatever trust we might have left for each other.
GT: I do trust you!
TT: Well, you shouldn’t.
TT: Not so easily at least.
TT: We’ve been talking smack about your ghosting tendencies, but I wasn’t there for you when the first warning signs of alcoholism arose.

"He has a point," Ghost Dirk suddenly broke the silence, startling Jake.

"Fucking shucks buster! I completely forgot you were here!" Jake turned to look at him, his eyes wide with surprise. "Forgive me, I felt like I would never be able to say all of that if I lost this window of opportunity…"

"I’m not even offended," the ghost shrugged. "Things sure are getting intense in this Chili’s tonight, though."

"For sure…"

TT: Even worse.
TT: I turned a blind eye to your struggle as if my anger somehow justified it and, since we’re apparently cracking that vault of vulnerability open, I’m really ashamed of it.
GT: Oh.
TT: Don’t say it’s fine because it really isn’t.
GT: I dont know what to say to that dirk!
GT: After the lalonde mother lalonde daughter situation i can see why you wouldnt want to entertain my yielding to temptation as well.
GT: God knows our little circle has had enough matters of contention concerning intoxicating substances in the past.
TT: Don’t. For real.
TT: I should have confronted you about it.
GT: Id rather you didnt!
GT: I dont know if anybodys ever told you this but letting you down is kind of massively gut-wrenching and i wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemies.
TT: What?
GT: Im exaggerating but it would have been humiliating all the same.
GT: Having you call me out on my bullcrap when im already consumed by guilt and shame all by my own lone self.
TT: Is that how unsupportive you think I’d been?
TT: If I had actually intervened, I mean.
TT: Genuine question, by the way.
GT: No no no!
GT: Not unsupportive dirk! Not at all!
GT: I just feel like were all always scrambling to look good in your eyes because you have that air to you...
TT: Not sure if I follow. I have an air to me.
GT: Yes. An air of
GT: Heavens!
GT: How should i describe it without making it sound like an affront to your person?
GT: You know how the mona lisa seems to be staring at you with judgment in her eyes from any angle from which you look back at her?
GT: That sort of omnipresent atmosphere she has?
GT: Well thats how overpowering your presence feels to me when i havent come up to the mark (or entirely missed it)!
GT: What im saying is that youre one intimidating fella dirk!
TT: Me? Intimidating?
TT: I intimidate you?
GT: Yes you do!
GT: Not all the time. But when i make a mistake i just
GT: I just dont want to be a disappointment to you!
GT: I dont want to become a person youd be ashamed of.
TT: If that’s your takeaway at all it means I have failed you harder than I thought.
TT: Which is to say, I’m not disappointed in you, Jake.
TT: Seriously.
TT: I might have been bitter enough at some point to take your problems personally, but that’s just petty behavior.
GT: Yeah?
TT: Yeah.
TT: In fact, the only thing I feel concerning this whole state of affairs is regret.
TT: Regret that I didn’t reach out sooner in some gratuitous and frankly ridiculous display of pride.
TT: And speaking of pride.
TT: What the fuck, man. I AM proud of you, I wasn’t just saying that for the sake of saying something earlier.
GT: You are?
GT: You werent?
TT: You sought help, you’re doing something to fix your shit and on top of it all you’re talking about it with me.
TT: Hell. You’re talking to me. Period.
TT: That’s more than we had a month ago. That’s more than I thought you were willing to acknowledge or do for yourself or us.
TT: How could I not be proud of that?
GT: *Sniffle.*

"‘Sniffle’? Really?" The ghost’s jeer died out as soon as he saw a tear warp the orange words on screen. Jake was crying. "Fuck. You’re actually crying… and I’m an asshole," he cringed. "Are those happy tears, at least, or…?"

Jake shook his head, then nodded frantically when the question really clicked. A knot in his throat kept him from expressing anything verbally, but the tears he was shedding were undoubtedly happy—euphoric ones. After months of emptiness; after having just spilled his heart out to Dirk (although not by design) he felt hopeful and seen.

The ghost wrapped a hesitant arm around him, possibly debating whether he should acknowledge Jake’s inner emotions or not. He decided not to and, in turn, the brunette curled up against him.

TT: Jake?
TT: Are you actually crying?
GT: *Sniff.*
TT: ... Happy tears?
GT: *Nods.*
GT: Sorry!
GT: It would seem ive become a big old softie during this time... *Blows nose.*
TT: Who are you trying to fool, you’ve always been a softie and a goofball.
GT: Hehe.
GT: I guess so?
TT: Anything I can do, though?
TT: I didn’t think that’d make you cry, then again the bar is apparently pretty low.
GT: Im just so glad youre not sick of me.
TT: Look at that, the bar just rolled over into negatives. The market is downright collapsing.
GT: Im quite serious mind you!
GT: If you dont see me as a lost cause there might be hope for us yet!
TT: So. What now?
TT: You're over there crying your heart out, I'm over here dabbing my thumb at my eyes because shit just got more emotional than the entire Care Bears franchise...
TT: But where are we now?
TT: I think it'd be way too desperate of us to kick it off eating each other's face, in which case...
TT: Should we take it one step at a time?

"What is he on? The first step should definitely be face smashing. The fact that it's a 'don't' in every do's and don'ts of breaking up clickbait article automatically makes it a 'do' in my book."

"Don't you know it! What does a fellow have to do to get a little rumpy pumpy with his life-long paramour? He's on Grindr, for pity's sake!" Jake agreed.

GT: I wouldnt say no to a reasonable amount of post heart-to-heart smackering...
GT: ... But i wouldnt take issue with a slower approach either.
GT: Why! Its not like ive entertained the idea of canoodling down memory lane countless times before!
GT: Not like i almost relapsed with a psychosomatic permutation of your particular brand of quiddities and physical attributes just now either!!!

"Dude. Dude stop. What are you doing?" Ghost Dirk actually threw his hands in the air, despair filling every fiber of his being.

GT: WHICH I DIDN'T BECAUSE MORALITY IS VERY MUCH A THING I STILL ABIDE BY!!!
TT: Psychosomatic permutation?
TT: Jake, are you hooking up with Brain Ghost Dirk behind my back?
GT: No???????
TT: Is he with you right now?
GT: Uhhh...
TT: He's reading this, isn't he.
GT: Ehhh...
TT: Dude, you're unwell.

"We done fucked up. No damage control can save us now."

GT: No... You see. He and i might have trifled with the idea of uh consolation for a second there but heaven knows we nipped that in the bud before things could get naughty!!!
GT: Hes just
GT: Hes just here for emotional support!!! Honest to christ!!!
GT: Tell him mister ghost!
GT: Tell him that you're NOTHING to me!!!!
TT: Holy shit.

"Holy fucking shit," the ghost concured.

GT: Its not...
GT: Its really not what you think...
TT: I’m honestly trying not to think at all, Jake.
TT: This. Whatever this is, is more than I can take.
GT: Hoo mama...
GT: Why couldnt i keep my stupid blabbering mouth shut!
GT: Stupid stupid STUPID!!!
TT: Man, you just invented a whole ass new category of insane.
GT: HOLD YOUR HORSES!!!
GT: IF YOU CONSIDER THINGS RATIONALLY I HAVE NOT FALLEN TO DEBAUCHERY just YET! A PECK OR TWO ARE INNOCENT ENOUGH!
GT: HOLDING HANDS? AS CHASTE AS CHASTITY GOES!
GT: THIS IS MY OWN BRAIN WERE TALKING ABOUT HERE!
GT: WHAT CRIME IS IT TO FANTASIZE?
GT: HUH. DIRK???
GT: NAME THE CRIME!!!
TT: Bro, you do you, but if you could not make me take part in it, I’d really appreciate it.

"Chatty Cathy…" Jake murmured under his breath. He was so exasperated that his shield of hope started forming around him.

Whatever he was about to do, the ghost decided it was out of his hands.

golgothasTerror [GT] attempted calling timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:58

-- timaeusTestified [TT] purposefully missed the call ––

TT: Why are you calling me?
TT: Scratch that. How are you calling me? Since when can Pesterchum do that?
GT: HELL IF I KNOW!
GT: I THINK IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH HOPE.
GT: POSSIBLY???
GT: WILL YOU PICK UP THE BLASTED PHONE DIRK STRIDER!!!

golgothasTerror [GT] attempted calling timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:59

-- timaeusTestified [TT] purposefully missed the call (again) ––

TT: Absolutely not, bro.
GT: ANSWER IT!!!
TT: Not happening.
GT: FACE ME LIKE A MAN!!!
GT: ARE YOU NOT A MAN!!
TT: I’m not. I truly am not man enough to do it.
GT: YOU ARE A MAN.
GT: YOU ARE A MAN AND YOU WILL FACE ME OR SO HELP ME GOD!!!
TT: Nope.
TT: Seriously. Stop it.
TT: I’d rather run my sword through my neck than subject myself to the experience of seeing my ghost self standing in the background awkwardly while you lose your shit.
GT: IM LOSING MY SHIT ALRIGHT!
GT: IM LOSING IT BECAUSE YOU WONT LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF!!!
GT: DO YOU THINK I NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW PATHETIC MY LIFE IS CURRENTLY? DOES IT LOOK LIKE IM HAVING A JOLLY GOOD TIME TO YOU?
TT: Okay. First things first.
TT: Why don’t you take a deep breath, give up trying to call me and stop textually screaming at me?
TT: Then you can explain yourself all day long.
GT: REALLY?
GT: YOULL HEAR ME OUT???
TT: I’ll hear you out. Now drop the all caps.
GT: Alright...
GT: Um. Hold the line for a second.
TT: Brain Ghost break?
TT: That does explain a lot of things about today, actually.
GT: My bad. Genuinely. But i feel like i should be doing something about the *situation* over here before we uh proceed?
TT: So he’s a "situation" now.
GT: I feel dreadful asking you to wait but two striders make one more than i can handle right now.
TT: Not to add to the self deprecation, but I’m probably the last person you need to justify that to, bro.
GT: Hah...
GT: I really am talented at getting in peoples hairs and up their noses arent i...
GT: You must have had it up to here with me yet i keep giving you the pip! There must be something truly wrong with me!
GT: *Sighs.*
TT: You’re good, Jake. We’re good.
TT: I’m giving you a lot of shit about this because it’s making me feel some type of way about myself, but I know the "situation" is a lot more nuanced to you than it is to me.
TT: So, really. Do whatever you have to do.
TT: I’ll wait.
GT: Youre not... angry?
TT: What does being angry even cover at this point?
TT: Am I frustrated? Confused? Tired? Undoubtedly.
TT: Am I about to let that burn the progress we’ve been making to the ground? Absolutely not.
TT: Maybe my self preservation is that messed up, but I said I’d see this through to the end and I’m seeing this through to the end.
GT: You are incredible dirk and i probably dont say it as often as it occurs to me.
TT: ???
GT: Ill make it snappy.
GT: Ill try to...

Jake put his phone down and tried taking a deep breath in a way that didn’t give away how scared he was of doing what he had set himself to do.

"You’re really quiet… You’re making me nervous…" He side glanced over at the ghost, who was sitting very still, his posture no longer panic-stricken, but vacant. Knowing that he knew what was coming only made things more difficult.

"Me? Sorry, I thought it’d be best if I kept a low profile given the—Given the commotion my existence is causing," he contemplated somberly. "Seems like my time’s finally up, huh?"

"I… I couldn’t have done any of this without your encouragement…" Where to even start? Where to end it?

"Ha. I’m a made-up guy, Jake. I assure you you would have found the strength somewhere else," the blond laughed, but he was picking at his skin just like the original Dirk did when he was anxious. "Let’s get to it, you really don’t have to feel guilty about me."

"Don’t be silly, how could I not…?" Jake ran his fingers through his hair, clearly stalling for a bit more time. "You know I don’t want to do this, right?"

"Bro, whatever you do, don’t break down crying on me. Seriously. I’m very partial to English manbro tears."

"Ah… It might sound like absolute phoney coming from me, but boy, do I hate farewells…" he sighed, the sound more nasal than he would have liked. "Hey… Scoot closer."

"… Why?"

"Will you just—!" The brunette pulled at the ghost’s shirt insistently, urging him to do as told.

"Fine." The ghost nudged slightly closer, still not daring to reenter Jake’s space, which forced him to close the remaining distance between them himself.

"It won’t be years. I promise it won’t be that long."

"You already know where to find me..."

Before either of them could choke on their words, Jake mouthed a thank you against his lips. The kiss was barely corporeal, but it somehow conveyed everything that needed to be said. Yes, he poured himself into the goodbye, his power pulsating weakly as it grew stronger. And stronger. And without opening his eyes, he knew Brain Ghost Dirk had left him to fall back into a state of non-existence. A quiet death that wasn’t such, but felt the part.

He wasn’t ashamed to cry then. To hold himself tightly, trying to fill the negative space with his own substantiality.

"I’ll miss you…"

GT: Im back...
TT: Everything okay?
GT: ...
GT: Hes gone.
TT: I’ll take that as a no.
GT: What can i say... Its been... intense...
GT: Not THAT kind of intense...
GT: But... intense... still...
TT: Man, I feel like a fucking marriage wrecker right now.
TT: For all that’s worth, I’m sorry.
GT: It wasnt you who sent him off to the...
GT: To wherever i sent him off to...
TT: Dude really pulled up the splintered existence pity card, didn’t he?
GT: Dont say that...
GT: Not existing must be scary.
TT: Yeah. Heard that one.
TT: Been there, done that, remember? Felt like a monster all the way.
GT: Ah.
GT: That wasnt supposed to be an accusation!
TT: I know.
GT: Im so sorry.
TT: Don’t be.
TT: Want to talk about it?
GT: No offense but ive had enough dual strider banter for a century... Really appreciate it though!
TT: Then. My turn now?
GT: What?
TT: I’m talking about our grand finale.
TT: Closure. Excuses. Explanations. Whatever you need to get out.
GT: Oh. Where to begin...
GT: Might as well go all out i suppose.
TT: Spare no expense on my account.
GT: I wholly understand how youd be distraught by me manifesting bgd despite the fact that i was avoiding you in real life but would you believe me if i said i couldnt see any other escape?
TT: Hm.
GT: Would you?
TT: Yes.
TT: Judging by his history of apparitions, the only conclusion I could rationally draw is that you must have really been at the end of the rope to turn to him.
TT: Which is not a great feeling, but doesn’t mean I don’t believe you. I know you don’t fuck around with your power when you don’t need-NEED it.
GT: And if i say we didnt cross any hard lines. Would you believe that too?
TT: Sure? It’s not like you weren’t right when you said it’s no different from fantasizing, anyway.
TT: You don’t owe me your dream exclusivity.
TT: God, that’s one surreal sentence you just made me say. Look at me, I’m such an understanding ex boyfriend, I even let you whack off to other partially sentient self-supporting versions of myself.
GT: Hahaha... It really is a strange life we lead where that makes perfect sense...
GT: But if you do believe those two truths. You must also know that the touch starvation is gobbling me up whole every day im not with you! You must know i wouldnt have been able to talk to you at all if he hadnt been beside me.
GT: It probably sounds like a cheap excuse. Hell! Maybe it is!
GT: But i truly dont have it in me to be brave and hes been the reminder i needed. The courage i lacked to do what i felt i needed to do all along... Talk to you!
GT: And if for a second ive given you the impression that hes been some sort of carnal escort to me... Id like you to dispel the idea entirely!!!
TT: M-hm.
TT: The more I think about it...
TT: I’m not even that weirded out by you looking for solace in him, you know? I could even say I’m flattered to some fucked up narcissistic degree of my awareness.
GT: Goodness gracious how scandalous!
TT: Shut up.
TT: You’re still fucking crazy for surrounding yourself with me even when I’m not there, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
TT: Or so the saying goes.
TT: "Then where’s the problem?" you might ask.
TT: Ain’t that the million dollar question. I just have this warped image of myself and the role I’m supposed to be playing in your life and every single time you challenge it you make the very foundation of my identity shake.
TT: So when you tell me you’ve been making out with ghost me because you miss me bad? What the fuck, man. It validates my self-righteousness and my delusions of some grand design, but it also feeds my self-loathing in ways that I didn’t think were possible.
TT: Heart shenanigans, I know.
TT: It just sucks that it’s come to this.
TT: Because, don’t take my word on it, but I think normal couples would probably just talk things out instead of launching themselves into a series of Machiavellian maneuvers. Us, on the other hand? We bottle up until our shit’s become a molotov cocktail and we’ve caught fire.
GT: I for one am sick of fires!
TT: Yeah, me too.
GT: But this has got to count for something...
GT: The fact that weve been more honest in the span of two hours than weve been in over a decade...
GT: Its not that i dont see the many manners in which were messed up in the head dirk. Its not that i cant see where weve failed!
TT: You just want to start over fresh.
GT: Who said anything about freshness!!! I simply dont want to live a life of regret because of what i did or didnt do!
GT: Isnt that exactly how that song went?
GT: The world isnt over yet. Weve still got a chance to place our bets...
TT: What was it? "We both made a little mess, nothing our two hearts can’t put back"?
GT: Precisamente!!!
GT: I dont give a monkeys if we have to take it slow or not.
GT: If you miss me too thats all i need to know!
GT: Its all that matters!
TT: You make it sound so uncomplicated.
GT: Maybe it is that uncomplicated.
GT: Didnt you say it yourself only a minute ago? That normal people arent so machiavellian? Well!!! I say we could learn a thing or two from them!!!
TT: Yeah. Okay. So, what? You’re trying to convince me to make our date a date? Is that where this is headed?
GT: Thatd be the best possible outcome. But if it cant be done ill be content to chew the rag and take a gander at your pretty face bambino!
TT: That’s unfair play.
GT: ?
TT: Your honeybro talk. Literally uncalled for.
GT: So???
GT: What about it baby cakes?
TT: Stop.
GT: Doodlekins?
TT: To think I wanted to tap that at some point. Unreal.
GT: All i hear are lies. You know you want a piece of me still!
TT: I’m not so sure anymore.
GT: :(.
TT: Let’s see how that goes. Next Friday.
TT: Okay?
GT: Okay. Whatever you need!
TT: Yeah? Seems fair to you?
GT: Fairer than not talking at all!
TT: See, that’s the spirit. Slow but steady rebuilding.
GT: Can i just reiterate how sorry i am and how much you are the sun and moon to me?
TT: You can. But you’re also on thin fucking ice.
GT: I really love you dirk. I say that in earnest.
TT: And you had to go and make it a whole ordeal...
TT: Fine.
TT: I love you too, Jake. You already know that.
GT: Aw you do???
GT: Great kiskadee! My heart is getting a serious case of the zoomies.
TT: Dork.
TT: If that’s all.
TT: I’ll see you soon.
GT: Looking forward to it!
GT: I hope its not too daring if i do...
TT: Do what?
GT: <3.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:05

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:05

TT: Sighs.
TT: You’re relentless.
TT: <3.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:06

Jake fell back on his bed with a racing heart and teary eyes. He tried smiling—possibly even succeeded—but the highs and lows of the last twenty-four hours had been so great that he couldn’t settle on a single emotion to feel. His head was a mess, his bedroom was a mess.

He scrunched his nose at the scattered bedsheets, at the emerald bottles that filled the room and himself with shame. At the shattered glass and fallen frames from earlier, which inevitably reminded him of the ghostly company he’d just lost to reality. He fought the urge to bring him back, instead focusing his thoughts on the triumph that had been his heart-to-heart with Dirk. He hoped that the elation would somehow float up to that liminal space of existence that the ghost had described as his home. He hoped he would know, somehow.

He rolled over, shielding his eyes from the light that seeped through the drawn curtains like an aggressive reminder of the time that had already gone by. Dirk loved him still. It probably was pitiable that this knowledge alone was enough for him to want to get back on his feet, but the fact remained that it did.

Slow but steady steps towards recovery, he supposed.

Chapter Text

The awaited Friday morning came and, with it, Jake’s anxiousness.

He stood at Dirk’s door, his stance so upright that he almost had trouble breathing normally. He’d prettied up in a way that he hoped Dirk wouldn’t deem too much for a casual—platonic?—hangout, which was, realistically speaking, highly unlikely, but he wouldn’t make the impression of a drunkard with a broken heart if he could help it.

He’d chosen a pair of tight-fitted khaki pants and light brown brogues to go with a striped shirt, its stripes deliberately green, white and orange (but again, he prayed that wouldn’t be too obvious of a choice). He hadn’t overdone it with the accessories; an undetailed watch enclosed his wrist and a gold medallion with a thin chain rested on his half exposed chest… Okay, that, he’d done on purpose. He wasn’t oblivious to his charm, nor the effect it seemed to have on Dirk. A little cheekiness never hurt anybody, did it?

His thoughts (and heartbeats) came to a halt when the blond finally showed up. He—unlike Jake—did actually look laid-back. He was wearing skinny, distressed black pants, white sneakers and a loose black hoodie with an orange pixel font that simply said "player 1". An unengraved dog tag underlined his neck scar, which Jake had come to find unfairly enticing.

He had obviously not foregone his shades or his poker face, but Jake swore his whole posture changed when he spotted him. The awkwardness that followed was inevitable.

"Um… Hi, Dirk! How goes it?" Jake extended both of his arms without thinking.

"... Sup." Dirk reached out with only one. "—Shit. We hugging or…?"

"Oh! You were going in for a—"

"—Shit, no. I—" Their hands were momentarily frozen in time and space, unsure how to proceed (or even whether they should proceed at all).

"—A handshake…" Jake couldn’t conceal his disappointment, but he still tried to. "Nothing against a good old handshake, of course! I wouldn’t want to make things… compromising between us. So! As gentlemanly and bromantically as humanly possible…" He flashed one of his best socialite smiles, knowing damn well that Dirk could see right through him. And he firmly shook his hand.

"We can still make that a bro hug… if you want," Dirk offered, unable to hold back a wince.

"What? No, no, no. It’s, uh, so good to see you! Really good to see you…" He squeezed Dirk’s hand softly, his voice breaking. The blond sighed in response, then pulled him into a hug that couldn't be described as anything other than discommodious.

Jake was seemingly not mentally stable enough to handle such a simple gesture. He didn’t dare to hug Dirk back, God forbid, but he did look for shelter in the crook of his neck when his eyes unexpectedly welled up with tears. Before Dirk could even react, he began sobbing messily in his arms.

"Come on, bro. That’s—at the very least, front page" Dirk snorted.

"So—sorry… I’m so sorry, Dirk…" Jake could only sniffle, his voice barely a mumble.

"I was really restraining myself there, but why the fuck not, snuggle fest in public sure sounds like a better plan." He tightened his hold all around the brunette, patting his back reassuringly. "There, there."

"I know it was me who pushed you away, but I-I’ve really missed this—so much… So much that I don’t even—" A sob interrupted his confession, so he held onto Dirk like he was a life-line, closed fists pulling at his hoodie like he feared he would vanish into thin air.

"Got you. I’ve got you, Jake." Dirk held him patiently. Despite how exposed he felt just standing there, despite his own doubts and insecurities… Letting go had long stopped being an option.

"I’m sorry about your—"

"—It’s okay. I don’t mind."

"I really thought I’d—" Jake tried again. "I hoped it would be different. I hoped—"

"Take it easy, buddy. You don’t need to say everything at once."

"But—But there are many things I want to tell you, Dirk… and gadzooks, this is truly not how I pictured saying any of them at all! Definitely not how this was supposed to kick off in my mind either!"

"Yeah, you and me both, man. For starters I thought we’d be keeping our hands to ourselves, but it’s not every day you get to star in an emotional airport scene, so it’s like, whatever." He said that, but his hands didn’t move an inch.

"My bad. My bad, completely," Jake laughed, pulling away ever so slightly to take a good look at Dirk. "We really are one irredeemable pair."

"You think?" Dirk’s eyes followed Jake’s behind his shades, inquisitive but tenderhearted. He opened his mouth as if to say something conclusive, but instead he said: "By the way, you ever wonder how much is too much cologne for a casual hangout?"

"T-that’s—Can’t a man smell good for the sake of smelling good?" Jake defended himself. "What’s more, didn’t you pluck your eyebrows for this…? I think you must have! Look at those shapes, they’re decidedly unnatural!"

"Yeah, unnaturally flawless. Now let’s bounce, we’re starting to attract media attention." Dirk signaled at an assemble of consorts that had gathered at a prudent distance from them, recognition clear in their glossy amphibian eyes. The clicking cameras in their tiny hands didn’t go unnoticed either.

"Aw, for frigs flipping sake! These guys…! Don’t get me wrong, I love them with all my might, but they can be an invasive bunch, as it were!" Jake let go of Dirk entirely, although they both knew it was too late to avoid making news worldwide.

"Wanna come up to the studio instead? Might be calmer than a coffee shop."

"My! Wouldn’t that give them even more ammunition?"

"They can have a little food for scandal, for all I care," Dirk shrugged. "You in?"

"Why, absolutely! If we go down, we go down big!" Jake hooked his arm around Dirk’s and they gracefully gave the bystanders the runaround.

Their reunion had been off to a weird start, but as they made their way to Dirk’s place—arm in arm and laughing—Jake realized that there was still hope for them. The familiarity between them hadn’t gone anywhere and that already covered a significant part of the problem.

There would be time for grave talks, apologies, more tears and professions of love and longing, but starting with an awkward coffee didn’t seem too bad. Not bad at all, actually.